Archive for June, 2017

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Maybe you’re an FBI director between opportunities. Maybe your just a normal person looking for a great opportunity. You answer an ad in the Washington Post for a self-starter who wants the career of a lifetime to work in a high-profile position as a “person-of-interest.” However, when you arrive you are blindfolded and led into a dark room and attached to a microwave oven. When your blindfold is removed, you are sitting in a blinding light and across from you sits a man dressed as the Easter Bunny. He begins the conversation by screaming at you that Trump’s inauguration had the biggest crowds and to shut up and listen. Is this a setup? Was that newspaper ad a trap to get you to join a cult? Are you going to be found in pieces in a garbage bag floating in the Potomac? The Bunnyman tells you “you are hired!” And then it hits you. This is far, far worse. You begin to suspect you have been hired to work on the White House staff! How can you be sure? Here are the top ten ways to know you are working in the Trump White House:

10. Your employee handbook has a section on how to plead the Fifth.

9.   Your benefit package includes a criminal defense lawyer.

8.   At your orientation, you are shown the first three seasons of “Orange Is the New Black”

7.   Your screen saver is a subpoena

6.   Your Secret Service codename is “Suspect 432”

5.    You have a reserved seat in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee

4.    On your first day of work you are offered a plea deal

3.    You are given training on the proper way to be handcuffed

2.    At your job interview, you are read your Miranda Rights

1.    Repeat after me, “I don’t remember!”

If you recognize any of these signs, it’s already too late. You have joined the Trump White House and you’re probably looking at five to ten in a federal penitentiary. That’s right, you have been left to twist slowly, slowly in the wind and that view you have is the underside of a bus.

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Matthew 26: 17-30

The Last Cabinet Meeting 

On the one hundred and forty-second day of the Festival of Alternative Facts, the disciples came to Trump and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the truth?”

He replied, “Go into the Cabinet Room to a certain man named Kushner and tell him, ‘The Orange Oracle says: The appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the how great I am with my disciples in the White House’” So the disciples did as Babygod had directed them and prepared the spectacle.

When the time came, Trump was reclining at the table with the Fifteen. And while they were tripping over themselves trying to be the first to kiss his ample ass, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord Trump?”

Trump replied, “The one who has dipped his lips into my ass will leak stuff.The Son of Fred lies just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who leaks bad things about the Son of Fred! It would be better for him if he had not been born, BIGLY”

While they were eating, Trump pulled down his pants and bent over saying, “Come and kiss this, this is my ass!” 

Then he pulled up his pants, and when he had given thanks, said, “Sing hymns of praise of me!”

And they sang, one by one, as parrots in a nut house.

Apostle Pence sang“It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to lie for you with a straight face and serve as the chief ass-kisser to the Great Leader who has assembled a team of the most pathetic self-serving sycophants. With you, I will finally have the opportunity to completely destroy what is left of reality and democracy which I so miserably failed to do alone as a congressman or governor.  

Apostle Sessions sang: “We are receiving, as you know — I’m not sure the rest of these lesser apostles understand — the support of sleazebags,  all over America. They have been very frustrated having to hide under rocks and damp cracks in the basement. They are so thrilled that, due to your greatness, they can now walk in the light of day and openly hate anyone not white, straight, or male. You have blessed me with the opportunity to do what I do best, pretend to be a decent human being while stonewalling every effort to expose you or me for what we are, a miserable nail fungus on the toes of America. Oh, and you are not under investigation!”

Apostle Mulvaney sang:Oh Lord Trump, thank you for a budget that allows us to starve worthless people who need starving. At the same time, with your holy blessing, we have been able to focus on the forgotten man and woman, who labor under the burden of having billions of dollars and the indignity of having to pay taxes. Trump be praised!”

Apostle Chao: Oh holy and blessed Trump, it was infrastructure week and you came to the Department of Transportation and thrilled hundreds and hundreds of people hanging out watching you walking on water. Who needs new bridges, right? And the buffet you arranged with just one fish and one loaf was a miracle, BIGLY!

Apostle Perry: “You found me wondering in the wilderness of Texas and brought me into the light of your greatness. When I couldn’t remember the third thing, you not only made me remember but also put me in charge of it. You have taught me that the Department of Energy is the Department of high-energy not low energy like Jeb Bush. Because of you, we are no longer held hostage to facts but can now claim that climate change is a Chinese hoax, just like those Chinese finger traps I was stuck in last night in my hotel room.”

Apostle Carson: “Like Lazarus, you have raised me from the dead sleep of unconsciousness to help me serve you and not to help any American. Praise you for Popeye Organizations and big belt buckles. I pray you keep me in perpetual slumber, amen.”

When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olive Garden for lunch.

This is the word of the Lord.

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There are a lot of things you should refrain from doing when you reach the age of 80. Never try out for the Olympic Gymnastic team. Don’t try to “hold it” until the next rest stop. And never, I mean never, be the last Senator to interview James Comey during a three-hour hearing. And although John McCain never tried a triple backflip and always has a pee bottle handy, he did violate the third rule when the elder statesman and cranky old man from Arizona, apparently had a stroke on live television while questioning the witness.

It was a historic day, to say the least. It was the first time in history that you had the former FBI director, who was fired by the current president, testifying to potential obstruction of justice. Second, it was the first day in that Donald Trump didn’t tweet a word. Sources tell us this was accomplished by distracting him with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and various artist conceptions of what his inauguration would have looked like if anyone attended.

But it all built to the most dramatic moment at the very end of the hearing when Sen. John McCain, the man who made Sarah Palin and Depends Breathable undergarments famous. As he proceeded,  his line of questioning sounded a drunk asking how his pants got pulled over his head. “Why,” he asked Comey, “did you end the Clinton email investigation and not the Trump/Russia investigation?” This was like asking Franklin Roosevelt why he was fighting the Second World War and not the Civil War. Comey explained that one investigation was finished and one was ongoing. McCain just was totally confused and looked like the time your grandfather wandered into the panty department in Target.

As McCain persisted in asking the same question over and over again and you could see his staff behind him frantically dialing 911 on their cellphones. They were looking on like family members watching Grampa remove all his clothes and jump into his birthday cake. Just shield the kid’s eyes and grab a big towel. But in this case, there was no towel, just Sen. Gramps flailing through papers, which didn’t help because all that was in front of him was his lunch order from the day before. Realizing McCain’s dilemma, Comey explained again that the Clinton investigation had reached a conclusion and the Trump/Russian investigation had not. This seemed to make him angrier, and I swear he mumbled something like “get off my lawn” or “build the dang fence.” He blurted out, “there just seems to be a double standard here.” Yes, John, you are right, there is a double standard. One for when investigations end, and one for when they are ongoing.

Now I know that McCain must have a professional staff who probably took him aside, explained that he had just crapped his pants in front of millions of viewers, and then quickly medicated him. Thankfully, he was the last questioner and was never elected president. But there is a lesson for us all here which is, when you reach the age of eighty, stop hitting on twenty-year-olds, stay close to a bathroom, and never, never go last at a Senate hearing.