Archive for February, 2017

416

This week on Episode 416 of The Tim Corrimal Show we are introduced to a new character in the bizarre world of freaks and clowns known as the Trump Regime. His name was Gene Huber and he was yet another reminder of the through-the-looking-glass world we now live in. For those of you who may have missed his act, Gene was invited onstage by Herr Trump because he saw this lost soul on TV standing in line from 4 AM the day of the rally just to get a glimpse of the Orange Oligarch. From that moment, things spiraled into a surreal adventure in the fantasy world of Mr. Huber and his cardboard god.

While trying to conceal his erection, Mr. Huber stood onstage with the man that, until that moment, was only accessible to him in his nightly wet dreams. But here he was, right in front of him, the Lemon Lout himself, in full color and shaking his hand. To say the least, Gene Huber was stunned. Herr Trump actually hugged him and whispered in his ear that, as soon as this stunt was over, he better get right off the stage or he would be shot. It was a moment of magic. And then, just as Huber thought life could not get any better, Trump asked him to speak to the crowd. He proudly wiped away the tanning spray that rubbed off on him and stepped up to the mic. As a huge wet spot spread over his pants, he declared to the world how proud he was of the man Russia has code-named “Agent Wet Sheets”.

Later, during a CNN interview, Huber confessed to having a cardboard replica of Trump in his home that he prayed to every day. In an attempt to keep our listeners apprised of the deteriorating mental health the Trump Cult, the Clown Car caught with Mr. Huber at his home in Neverneverland. What we found was nothing less than shocking. Not only does he have a cardboard cutout of Trump, it turns out, the rest of his family is a fantasy too!

Huber’s home is actually a series of refrigerator boxes glued together into a three bedroom cardboard mansion. It was very roomy with the familiar smell of a FedEx warehouse. As we sat down on some wooden crates to talk politics, Huber became extremely animated. “I love the president!”, he blurted out, “so much that sometimes I want to jump out of my skin, which is white, by the way,” as if that was a question. He was sporting his Trump tee shirt, the same one he had on during his CNN interview. “I haven’t taken this shirt off since election day. Do you believe it! Even after it started to stick to me, I kept it on. I figure if the president can do all that sacrifice for me, the least I can do is suffer from a few bed sores to show my support.” We did believe it since Mr. Huber smelled like an old sock you find in a gym bag fifty years after you graduated high school.

So we asked what Mr. Huber’s family thought about all the notoriety he was receiving after his encounter with Trump last Saturday. “Would you like to meet them?”  Of course, and he ran into the adjacent room (I’m sorry, box) to get his wife.  “I’ll just be a moment,” he yelled, “she takes a while to get blown up.” A few minutes later, Huber sat a five-foot blow-up doll next to him that looked remarkably like Melania Trump. “Ain’t she a beauty,” his eyes were gleeming, “we’ve been married for ten years.” When I pointed out that it was a blow-up doll he got that look in his eye that alarmed the Secret Service. We quickly moved on.

“Get the kids in here, honey.” But that doll just stared straight ahead with a blank look, just like the real Melania. “Never mind, dear, you look tired. I’ll get them.” Off to another box (I mean room), and returned with Barbie and Ken dolls. “Look just like their beautiful Mom. This one’s Ivanka, this one is Tiffany, and the boy is Barron.” What about the two larger dolls laying in the corner of the living room? “Oh, that’s Donald, Jr., and Eric. They’re dummies.”

As we wrapped up the interview, the time came to meet the reason we came, the cardboard cutout Mr. Huber calls his president. We entered a room lined with lit candles, which in a home of cardboard boxes seemed a bit problematic. But there it was, in all its glory, a six-foot replica of the Tangerine Tyrant. In the background, audio was playing of Trump’s inaugural address, now known as the “I Had a Nightmare” speech.Huber dropped to his knees, said a few prayers, and we quietly left to the sounds of “grab ’em by the p***y.”

As we drove away smoke seemed to be coming from Mr. Huber’s house of cardboard. We later found out that one of the candles started a fire and burned it to the ground. All that was left was a cardboard Trump standing in the middle of a smoldering mess. You know, just like in real life.

 

 

 

shady-bunch

Here’s the story of a Slovenian lady
Who was brought up to be beautiful and bold
She was just the age that Donald likes them,
No more than twelve years old.

Here’s the story, of a man who’s Shady,
Who was busy conning people from their bucks
He had four kids who were just like him,
Yes, they were cheating f**ks.

Till the one day, Don got rid of Marla Maples
And Melania was purchased over lunch,
And he took her home just like his other trophies,
That’s the way they all became the Shady Bunch.

This week Episode 415 of The Tim Corrimal Show opens with a crisis in the Shady’s big white house. It seems that Ivanka Shady, Don’s little daughter,  wants to follow in her daddy’s footsteps and cheat people out of millions of dollars. She decided one day that she will set up a little shop on the sidewalk outside her home and sell shoes. While all the kids were selling lemonade, Ivanka wanted to bring jobs back to her neighborhood by selling cheaply made shoes made in China. Fearing that her step-mother would not approve, she set up a secret supply chain from a Chinese sweat-shop to her home and stored her inventory in her father’s wig closet. To make room for her inventory, she threw all of her daddy’s wigs into an empty room where her father stored a curious yellow liquid that he collected on trips to Russia. In her haste, little Ivanka accidentally spilled a fifty-five-gallon drum of the liquid all over her dad’s wigs. She was in bigly trouble.

Little Ivanka had to replace the urine soaked wigs before her father found out. If she sold all her shoes, she would be able to replace the wigs and still have a little profit. But it all had to be done before the next week when her father was going to run for president of the neighborhood association.  She would need help!

First, she asked her step-brother, Steve Shady, for help. But Steve was a nasty bastard!  He was too busy running for president of his fraternity, Phi Amma Nazi, to bother helping his step-sister. He just laughed at her and said, “Honey badger don’t give a shit!” Desperate, she continued on to her other step-brother, Reince Shady, who said he had to go on Meet the Press and he only took orders from big brother Steve. What could Ivanka do? She had to sell these shoes fast, but she needed help. Then it came to her! She could always turn to the dependable and but dizzy housekeeper, Kellyanne.  She was always dizzy because of all the spinning she did. Though Kellyanne was a maid, she was considered just as Shady as the rest of the family. She came up with a plan.

First, take all the shoes to Nordstrom’s and tell them that Shady shoes are the best and greatest shoes ever, hand made in Italy by artful craftsmen using fine leather. This was a lie, of course, since the shoes were made of plastic and cardboard, just like her father’s career. But lying was part of business, just like her daddy always taught her. So it was all good and as soon as the money started rolling in from Nordstrom’s, Ivanka could replace the wigs.

The plan seemed to be perfect until complaints started pouring in. Nordstrom’s was extremely upset because customers complained that as soon as the shoes got wet, the cardboard disintegrated and left them wearing nothing but plastic bags. Kellyanne tried to convince the department store that they were the Joni Ernst collection. Nordstrom’s did not buy it and dropped the entire line. When they announced they would no longer carry Shady shoes, word got back to Donald Shady. He confronted the maid, Kellyanne, who confessed what she was doing with Ivanka. Fearful that Donald would fire her, she threw Ivanka under the bus and told him about the wigs. She was surprised when Donald started to laugh and laugh. He explained that the wigs were already soaked in urine. Why did she think they were all yellow!

A big family meeting was called and Ivanka told her story to the entire family. Steven Shady said for the first time that he was proud of his little sister and awarded her the Order of the German Cross. The show ends with the entire Shady family sitting on the huge wall Donald built in the back yard to keep their Mexican neighbors out. As the episode ends, Donald takes the nuclear biscuit out of his pocket and, to the delight of his kids, he launches a warhead toward Australia.

Tune in next week for another hilarious episode when Donald Shady accuses his neighbor’s Chihuahua of delivering their morning paper and taking away American dog’s jobs.

414-1

This week on Episode 414 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we bring you highlights of Trump’s speech at the annual prayer breakfast on Thursday, one day after his meeting with black leaders to honor the beginning of Black History Month. Here is a recap of Mr. Trump’s remarks:

Thank you, everyone, for coming out today to pray to me and have this wonderful breakfast that was one of the best prayer breakfast ever. The steaks were huge and the eggs were scrambled, just like my executive orders.  I’m impressed with the turnout today. I’m looking over the crowd and it looks to me like a million or a million and a half people jammed in here. Of course, the dishonest press won’t report that they are so dishonest. Really, it’s a good thing Jesus and God are here as my special guests to witness the size of the crowd. And if the media doesn’t report the right numbers this time, God has promised to turn Wolf Blitzer into a lump of salt and send locusts to infest Chuck Todd’s goatee. People are coming up to me and saying “Mr. President, this is going to be the most watched episode of “Celebrity  Prayer Breakfast” ever. Through the roof! Anyway, we are not here to talk about ratings but prayer.

Before I start, I want to thank God and his son Jesus for coming here today. I know they are almost as busy as I am, so thank you. They have had a remarkable run and have done a terrific job, so let’s give them a round of applause! I plan to appoint them God and Savior for another year, so guys, your job is secure. I’m just joking, we’ll have to see.

Anyway, let me mention my meeting with the blacks yesterday. We were there to celebrate Black History Month. I am happy my administration decided to give blacks a whole month, not just Black Friday like under Obama. And it was a disaster with people pushing and shoving to buy cheap tvs for their black friends.  Actually, I don’t have any black friends because for some reason my father never had any black tenants in our building. Luckily Omarosa and Ben Carson brought a bunch of their black friends to the meeting and we talked about Frederick Douglass who is a terrific guy. Fred are you here? I don’t see him. Stand up Fred so we can give you a big hand! What…Oh…he is?! Anyway, I loved Douglass family, although My Three Sons, never had the ratings I had, but then who did? Certainly not Arnold Schwarzenegger, who’s ratings are going down the tubes. So, since we have to pray, let’s pray for Arnold.

But first, I want to talk about Bowling Green and the massacre there. It seems that there was a terrible massacre there that the dishonest press refused to cover, but my advisor Kellyanne Conway was able to slip it by Chris Matthews.  Over three million people were killed there by Hillary Clinton’s mobs. Now, the dishonest press (and they are so dishonest) say that not that many people live in Bowling Green. But this is the same press that falsely reported that Inauguration Day was January 21 so all those people showed up to support me a day late.  Anyway, let us have a moment of silence for all the people who were not killed in Bowling Green.

And now, from The Two Corinthians,  Trump’s Prayer:

Donald Trump, who art from heaven, hallowed be my name, since it has been on the cover of Time magazine more times than Tom Brady. My kingdom come, because I won a tremendous victory in the electoral college and would have won the popular vote if it wasn’t for all those illegal votes in California. My will be done, because I will issue execitive orders, on Earth as it is in Trump Tower. Give us this day our daily briefings, and forgive the press their trespasses, as they are dishonest, and lead us not into temptation to hire Russian hookers, but deliver us from NAFTA and so called Federal judges. Amen