Archive for September, 2015

This week on Episode 354 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we investigate the case of: Shep Smith is missing.  The Fox News anchor has not been seen since Friday.  The FBI is investigating the disappearance and is interviewing several “persons of interest”.  Agent John Kerber, while refusing to give details, told reporters that several people associated with Fox News and its viewership may have knowledge of the events leading to Mr. Smith’s disappearance.  “The network is teeming with suspects”,  Agent Kerber said,  “and right now we are trying to sort them out so we can get to the interviews”.  Some have speculated that Bill O’Reilly and Eric Bolling are targets of the investigation.  Insiders have been reporting that both men have been acting strangely lately, but given their normal behavior, that is hard to determine.

Shep Smith first came under attack last month for criticizing Kentucky county clerk and noted adulterous bigot Kim Davis.  Covering her release from jail, Smith noted  “They set this up as a religious play again.  This is the same crowd that says, ‘We don’t want Sharia law, don’t let them tell us what to do, keep their religion out of our lives and out of our government,’ “.  Smith added,  “This is not unprecedented. They did it when they said black and white people couldn’t marry,  haters are gonna hate.”

And hate they did.  Christians all over the Fox Nation called for his crucifixion.  Reports that Shep was called in to the office of Roger Ailes spread across the gossip columns. Sources who talked to us on condition of anonymity tell us that he was threatened at that meeting. “If he didn’t fall back in line with the Fox News narrative, he would have to answer to the man himself, Bill O’Reilly.”  After that meeting Mr. Smith was reportedly disciplined by making him watch Sean Hannity interview Clyde Bundy over and over again.

But on Thursday, Shep Smith violated his parole when covering Pope Francis’ speech to Congress. Giving his thoughts on the partisan reaction to the Pope’s speech, Shep had this to say: ” These are the five things that were on his and our president’s agenda. Caring for the marginalized and the poor — that’s now political. Advancing economic opportunity for all. Political? Serving as good stewards of the environment. Protecting religious minorities and promoting religious freedom globally. Welcoming [and] integrating immigrants and refugees globally. And that’s political?”  He concluded “I think these were the teachings in the Bible of Jesus,” Smith said. “They’re the words of the pope, they’re the feelings of the president. And people who find themselves on the other side of that message should consult a mirror, “.

Really, Shep stepped in it this time. Implying that Jesus would care about the poor and the environment is just not the Jesus the people at Fox News know and love.  That is the kind of heresy that can get you…well, make you go away.  And go he did.   According to witnesses, Shep was ushered out of the studio and into a black SUV driven by Steve Doocy.  One of the men escorting Shep out was described as “someone who lies on Fox News all the time”.  The FBI is currently trying to narrow that down.

The FBI asks anyone who may have seen Shep Smith or anyone fitting the description of his abductors, to contact them immediately.  You are warned not to approach the suspects, as they are armed with talking points and may totally confuse you.  The FBI has pleaded with Shep’s captors to release him unharmed, promising no questions will be asked.  After all, this is Fox News, and no one there any curiosity about the truth.

 

 

 

There was good news and bad news in the second GOP presidential debate.  If you missed it,  on Episode 353 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we gave you a summary of what we learned at the latest GOP liefest.

Marco Rubio thinks droughts make a great joke. No one wants to follow a better comedian, so Marco decided to crack the first joke of the night.  Producing a bottle from under the podium, he quipped,  “I heard there was a drought in California, so I brought my own water”.  He was as pleased with himself as a boy who just discovered his own genitalia. Except no one laughed, except the bottled water company.

Carly Fiorina is a science fiction writer.  Move over Gene Roddenberry,  Mrs. Fiorina can invent fiction faster than Ensign Chekov can launch a photon torpedo.  She dared Hillary Clinton and President Obama to watch that horrible film where a fully formed fetus is sold for body parts. Except she made the whole scene up, maybe on one of those HP computers she illegally sold to Iran?  And she never took Iran off her speed dial either because she promised on her first day in office she would call the Supreme Leader and tell him to piss off,  then call here good friend Bibi Netanyahu and tell him how much she loves him,  then move nukes into Poland and start a war with Russia.  I guess she’s not planning a day two.

Donald Trump thinks Carly Fiorina is a beautiful woman.  He should know, he’s running beauty pageants all the time. The best, tremendous beauty pageants.  He has a beautiful daughter too who,  if he wasn’t her father, he would probably be dating.  What the hell, if Woody Allen can do it… Oh, and the Donald is a research doctor also. He has discovered that you should spread your children’s vaccines over a long period. He did, and look how hot his daughter is!

Ben Carson thinks Donald Trump is a good doctor. He also thinks God has the best tax plan.  Ben Carson is obviously more skilled at separating Siamese twins than fact from fiction.

Jeb Bush thinks that Inauguration Day is every four years, on September 12.   So don’t talk trash about his brother.  He kept us safe.  After he became president, on September 12, 2001.

Chris Christie has a time machine. That’s right,  just like Dr. Who.  On Wednesday night, he went back in time and appointed himself U S Attorney three months before he actually was.  The bloviating blowhard from New Jersey told how really, really frightened he was on 9/11.  After all, the day before he was appointed U S Attorney by Bush and would have to deal with these maniacs.  Except he wasn’t.  His actual nomination came three months later, but hey, why be picky, right.  It’s a great story,  and if you believe that one, here’s one about  bridge!

Rand Paul is cool.  He’s for peace and legal marijuana.  But before you get too high and vote for him, remember his budget eliminates the Department of Commerce,  Department of Education, Department for Housing and Urban Development, Department of Energy and cuts the State Department by more than 50 percent. Meanwhile, it increases spending on defense by $126 billion. So put down the bong and back away from the senator.

Scott Walker is the invisible man.  It’s the only explanation for no one noticing he was in the Reagan Library on Wednesday night.  After the debate he called the Koch brothers, and received the “no longer in service” message.

Ted Cruz and Mike Huckabee both think our founding father was Jesus. They also think Kim Davis is his disciple.  They both should be evaluated for mental health services.

John Kasich is reasonable. Who knew? And when John Kasich is the voice of reason, be very afraid.

So the good news is that the second GOP presidential debate is over.  The bad news is that next summer, one of those sociopaths will be the GOP nominee for president.  Scared yet?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With all the nonsense happening in Kentucky this past week,  the media completely missed the most important press conference of the week.  On Thursday,  Jesus held a press conference of his own to clarify his position on Kim Davis and the carnival barker, Mike Huckabee and I was there to cover it.  So here is the transcript,  prepared exclusively for Episode 352 of the Tim Corrimal Show:

The Jesus Press Conference:

Good afternoon, and thank you for coming.  Despite what you have been told by Pat Robertson, I haven’t spoken to anyone in this part of the universe in a few thousand years. My father asked me to meet with you this afternoon to discuss recent events in Rowen County, Kentucky.  I decided to do this in the press conference format since the last time dad asked me to come here you people just crucified me.  Literally.  And, since I do not wish to spend another 33 years here trying to convince you morons to hating each other, I will make this brief.

Now normally, my father and I don’t like to get involved in the day to day matters of creation. We’re create and let live sort of guys. But this thing with Kim Davis is causing us big problems.  There are much more advanced civilizations in the universe and they are starting to talk. They have even gone so far as to accuse me and my father of losing our grip. So, let me set the record straight. We do not hate gay people, on the contrary, we created them.  We created straight people too, but judging from Kim Davis and her husband, that may have been a mistake. We assumed you would all get along, but we never anticipated the republican party or Mike Huckabee. Our bad.   I know, you all think that we anticipate everything, but truth be told,  some things in the universe just happen, like black holes and Chuck Todd.  My father and I get a bit distracted at times and, BOOM, Donald Trump happens.

Now to the subject at hand, my father never said marriage is between one man and one woman, or in Kim Davis’ case, four men and one woman.  The fact is , you people invented marriage, so it can be anything anyone wants.  This is not a problem to me or my father.  What is concerning was to see that Louie Gohmert is a congressman, since we originally planned to have him be a species of plant.  I think we were going to call it asparagus?

So Kim Davis, shut the fuck up. Please. And please stop using my name as the reason you hate people.  That’s on you and that Huckabee character you glommed onto.  If you really want to do something to please me, wash your hair.  I can smell it from up here.  Maybe if you were friendlier to gay people, they could recommend a good hair stylist. Oh, and it wouldn’t hurt to throw a bar of soap in your husband’s direction either.  Really, people wandering in the desert smell better than you. And stop praising me and using my name.  If I hear “praise Jesus” from you one more time, I will turn your tongue into a spatula

And another thing, that bible you keep quoting is a work of fiction. Bad fiction at that. We give you great science fiction writers like Isaac Asimov and Ray Bradbury and instead you fixate on a story about a burning, talking bush?  Who do you think my father is,  Mr. Ed? And why in dad’s universe would he speak to Charleton Heston?

So, Kim, sign the damn marriage licenses, grab a piece of gay wedding cake, and get to a Planned Parenthood for contraceptives. We really don’t want you procreating.

In closing I would like to thank you all for coming here on such short notice. The next time I see you it will probably be Armageddon. Just kidding! Just thought I would tease some of those rapture nutters.  But seriously, the end of the world will come if you don’t start paying attention to climate scientists.   If you have any questions about that, ask Neil deGrasse Tyson.  That’s why we put him here.

Thanks again and Dad bless America.