Archive for October, 2020

Are you a Trump staffer looking at that dumpster fire outside that is the Trump campaign? Are you wondering where you will get a paycheck next year? Are you a Trump family member wondering if you can make a living on eBay selling the silverware and china you have stolen over the last four years? Are you a Russian hooker wondering whose sheets you will be wetting in 2021? Well, fret no more because the Clown Car Update has been looking out for business opportunities for former Trump associates to make the transition from government-paid grifter to private-sector ex-felon as easy as we can. Introducing the Re-employment Agency for Trump Survivors or R.A.T.S. Explore some of the fabulous employment opportunities waiting for you as soon as you are deloused. Here is what R.A.T.S. has to offer.

For those closest to Donald Trump (no, we are not talking to you, Eric or Tiffany) R.A.T.S. has family opportunities to fit your experience in the White House. For daughters and sons-in-law, we have job openings in retail door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales. No experience in vacuum sales you say? Well, don’t worry because you have been sucking at your job for four years! And if Hoover sales are not your thing, Duluth Trading Company is looking for test subjects for their no-stink underwear. We are looking at you, Jared, because no one stinks in that White House more than you!

And let’s not forget the rest of the kids while we are at it. For Tiffany, R.A.T.S. thinks you would be perfect for the re-boot of the hit series “Lost.” And for Don Jr. and Eric, there is entertainment in your future too anytime a movie set is in need of lamp posts. Finally, Melania and Barron can be starring in the upcoming series “Divorce Court: First Family Edition.”

And for the rest of the crew, don’t despair because R.A.T.S. has opportunities for even the lowliest of the ex-Trumpers. For example, arthritis pain relief medications are looking for spokespersons for their empty jar guarantee. And no one is more of an empty jar than you, Kaleigh McEnany! And Scott Atlas, your herd immunity theory may have made you the perfect subject for Big Pharma’s Leper colony blind study.

So don’t despair ex-Trumpers, R.A.T.S. is here for you making your transition back to legitimate employment as pain-free as possible. So act now because the ship is sinking fast and November 3 is right around the corner. Just jump off the ship and say “I’m with R.A.T.S.!”

With the presidential election only days away, and the Super-Spreader-in-Chief is holding rallies every day, demanding that his followers drink the Flavor Aid du jour, COVID-19. If you are one of his followers, there is a danger besides the virus that you should be aware of before attending one of these super-spreader events. That is, the very real danger that a member of the fake news will ask you a reasonable question, like “why the hell would you risk your health and that of your family just to see a two-bit huckster throw bullshit at you faster than a Russian hooker can wet a bedsheet?”

Let’s face it. At best you end up blathering about your “freedoms” or “America” or just how Trump “just tells it like it is!” But most of the time you either whistle some nonsense through the two teeth you have left or just stand there making unintelligible grunting sounds. All the Wild Turkey in the world can never take the embarrassment away. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Just download the Clown Car Update’s new app, Algorithm for Rallygoers to Sound Educated or A.R.S.E.

Just download our A.R.S.E. app and start sounding like you finished fourth grade before your sixteenth birthday. For example, when a reporter asks if you believe in the COVID-19 virus, instead of answering “I don’t see no virus, do you?” just talk through your A.R.S.E. and it comes out “I follow the Science!” Or, if a reporter asks you why you love Trump so much instead of “‘murica!” just talk through your A.R.S.E. and it comes out “I like some of his tax policies.”

So go to that next MAGA rally and answer those fake news reporters without having to wear a bib. Don’t drool your way through the interview, just turn on your phone, download the app and do what all the MAGA people are doing and just talk straight out of your A.R.S.E.!

Now more than ever, with a global pandemic reaching all the way into the White House and a pending Supreme Court case that may finally rid America of the scourge of Obamacare you need the best coverage ever. That is why during open enrollment time the Trump Administration, in conjunction with the former medical department at Trump University has a special offer for you. It is President Trump’s long awaited medical plan called Supplemental Coverage for Retired Executives and Workers or S.C.R.E.W.

This is no ordinary health care plan. This plan was designed after the exceptional care standards that President Trump himself received when he recently dominated the COVID-19 virus. Now, not everyone can have the physical stamina of President Trump. But you now can have a health care plan that guarantees that when you catch COVID-19, and you will, you will have almost the same treatment given to the Super Spreader-in-Chief. Here’s what S.C.R.E.W. offers:

  • Access to the most advanced treatments known to eradicate COVID-19. These drugs include Clorox bleach therapy, Lysol injections, and ultraviolet enemas. And remember, we have access to the largest stockpile of hydroxychloroquine and oleander in the world!
  • Access to the finest medical staff still pending trial in the world. All our in-network doctors have pleaded not guilty or have settled out of court so you can be assured of the same medical treatment given to asylum seekers awaiting trial in Texas. And our in-network medical staff will lie to your relatives about your prognosis and give the rosiest spin during your final hours.
  • Free rides to your medical appointments or in case of emergency. Although we can’t land Marine-1 in your back yard, S.C.R.E.W. offers free ride-sharing if you drive to the hospital with at least one other suspected COVID-19 patient. And of course, face masks are always optional.
  • Free home delivery of meals including McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Unfortunately, we can no longer offer delivery of Godfather’s Pizza due to the expiration of our contract and the CEO.
  • Free nursing visits through our newly negotiated contract with the Mildred Ratched Nursing Service.

So act now because the window is closing fast on the enrollment period. Also, if President Trump has his way, the enrollment period on Obamacare will close forever. President Trump wants everyone to benefit from this remarkable health care plan and as he has told America many times when it comes to health care, he wants to S.C.R.E.W. you!

Does the IRS have you under audit for the last ten years? Do you owe them hundreds of millions of dollars in back taxes you can never pay? Worse yet, is paying hush money to Vladimir Putin draining your fast-food budget faster than a Russian hooker’s bladder? Well, you don’t have to spend your life soiling your Depends every time someone brings you a copy of the New York Times. Relief is here. Come over to the accounting firm of Steele, Cash, and Hyde and we will take care of all your tax avoidance needs.

Don’t spend any more sleepless nights tossing and turning worrying about which newspaper or disgruntled relative will expose you for the broken failure you really are. Instead, stay awake Tweeting insults to all your imaginary enemies, and let us stay up cooking your books like a McDonald’s deep fryer. At Steele, Cash, and Hyde we specialize in all aspects of tax evasion and wire fraud. A few of our services include:

  • Federal tax avoidance
  • State and local tax avoidance
  • Money laundering
  • Secret porn star payoffs
  • Non-disclosure agreement payoffs
  • Double and triple bookkeeping
  • Employee payroll avoidance
  • Bank fraud

And if you are audited by the IRS or worse yet, asked to release your tax returns when running for president, our staff of professional Republican excuse-generators will lie for you and quickly duck into an elevator pretending to be late for a meeting. Plus, our legal staff is packed with disbarred attorneys and convicted former Trump advisors ready to avoid subpoenas and tie up your case in endless legal appeals.

So visit one of our convenient mobile locations at abandoned parking lots in most major cities. Our vans are constantly moving to keep your secrets safe and avoid being served pesky subpoenas. Just give us a twenty-four-hour notice and we will arrange to be somewhere for a free consultation. And while you’re there, we will treat you to a free hair cut, a $70,000 value absolutely free!

So throw your tax cares to the wind like you did your COVID-19 response and let Steele, Cash, and Hyde take care of all your tax avoidance needs. Because like you, Mr. President, at Steele, Cash, and Hyde cheating is a way of life!