Archive for December, 2018

How Pelosi Stole (Trump’s) Christmas

Every Trumper in Trumpville liked walls a lot
But Pelosi, who lived just left of Trumpville did not!
Pelosi hated Trumper, and all of his treason
Now, please don’t ask why,
The FBI knows the reason

It could be Pelosi knew Trump was an ass
It could be she just couldn’t let treason pass
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that Trump’s manhood was
Two sizes too small

But, whatever the reason, his ass or his junk
Pelosi just sat there just hating this lunk.
Staring out from the couch at this big orange boar
And his pale white VP looking down at the floor
For she knew that the Trumpers who were gathered around
Were busy now spinning the lies of this clown

“And they’re spinning his lies!” she snarled with a sneer
“They think that for Christmas his wall will be here!”
Then she said to the Trump with a smile very cunning
“We can find some way to stop all your funding!”

For Pelosi, she knew all the Trump girls and boys
Were used to demanding their money and toys
Or they’d screech and they’d scream and make terrible noise!
All the noise, all the noise, all the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

And the Trump, fat and sloppy would sit down and eat
‘til the cheeks of his ass would droop down to his feet
And he’d eat and he’d eat and he’d eat, eat, eat, eat!

Trump would feast on fried chicken,
‘til his cheeks swelled like yeast
Which was something Pelosi
couldn’t stand in the least!

And then there was something
she liked least of all
Every Trump in the West Wing
Would slither and crawl
And clump close together
And lie to us all
They’d lie! And they’d lie!
And they’d Lie! Lie! Lie! Lie!
The more Nancy heard these Cuckoo birds sing
The more Nancy thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for twenty four months I’ve put up with this now
“I must stop Trump’s Christmas from coming
…But HOW?

Then she got an idea, a terrific idea
The Speaker got a wonderful, brilliant idea!
“I know just what to do!”, she said to herself
And she pulled her old gavel down from the shelf

“All I need is an Uber…”
Nancy looked around
But here Ubers are scarce,
there are none to be found
So instead she called Chuck
And said “Chuck, pick me up!”
“We’re going to fix that fat orange fuck!”

Down to the White House
Their car rambled fast
To the home where the Trumper
Lay on his fat ass.

So they entered the house
With some bags in their hands
And searched all the rooms
For Trump’s evil plans

Around the whole room they
found every plan
His wall, all the blueprints,
ICE agents, and scams
Trump University, Trump steaks and Trump wine
Cover-ups, bribes, money laundering crimes

They stuffed all the bags, Chuck and Nancy,
Very nimbly
Then stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney

Then they went to the ice box
And took all of his snacks
All his McMuffins, all his Big Macs
The Kentucky Fried Chicken,
the iced donuts too
All the Trump cakes all the Trump pies
All the Trump pudding, all the French fries

As she stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee
“AND NOW!” Nancy grinned “We will take the VP!”

As Nancy grabbed the VP and started to leave
She felt a small tug on her overcoat sleeve
She turned around fast and saw a small Trump
Little Eric-Lou Trump, who was dumb as a stump.

He stared at Pelosi and said, Nancy, why?”
“Why are you taking Mike Pence? WHY?”
But you know Nancy that Speaker is so smart
And so slick
That she thought up a theory
And she thought it up quick

“Why, my little dumb snot,” Nancy said to the lad
“All the lights have gone out on one side of his head!”
“So I’m taking him home for Obamacare there,”
“Then I’ll give him a brain and some real human hair!”

And the fib fooled the child. Then she patted his head
And gave him a whiskey and sent him to bed
And when Eric-Lou Trump went to bed with his cup
Nancy went to the chimney and stuffed Mike Pence up!

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Trumps were still sleeping
Except for Big Donald, who was constantly Tweeting
Chuck and Nancy pulled out back to Capitol Hill
And to add to the insult, they left Trump a bill!

As they unpacked the car with Trump’s plans and schemes
Nancy opened a window to hear Trumper’s screams
“Up Yours, to the Trumps” Nancy was Humming.
“He’s finding out now there’s no Christmas wall coming!

“Trump’s waking up now, I know he’ll be bitter!
He’ll pick up his phone and go right to Twitter!
That’s a sight I simply must see!”
And Nancy ran to her desk and turned on her PC.

And she did see the tweets and he was mad as hell
They were angry and mean and mostly misspelled!
“NO COLLUSION, A WITCH HUNT!”
Trump tweeted his rage
“AND THERE WILL BE A WALL!”
“AND MEXICO PAYS!”

And as she stared down on Trumpville
Nancy popped her eyes
Then she shook
What she saw was a shocking surprise!

Every GOP member,
the near and the far
Were abandoning ship
like the rats that they are

“Why,” Nancy said talking to Chuck
“They are talking impeachment,
I think we’re in luck!”

“It came without trying, no effort at all
It came without Graham, McConnell, or Paul!”
It came without Goodlatte, Ryan, or Brat
It came from Bob Mueller, and it fell with a splat!

And what happened then…?
Well…in Trumpville they say
That Trump’s tiny manhood
Shrunk ten sizes that day!

Then Nancy thought of something she
Hadn’t before!
“Maybe the American people
aren’t fooled anymore!”
“Maybe Trumpism…perhaps…was a
Large oozing sore!”

Then she saw on her TV,
a beautiful vision
As four US Marshalls took Trump to prison
Then she laughed to herself and shot Chuck a glance
“Hey, look at that dark spot, Don just wet his pants!”

‘Twas the night before Christmas and in the White House
Just one creature was stirring, a big orange louse.
Steven Miller was nestled all safe in his bed
While visions of ICE agents danced in his head

And Don with a donut so sticky and sweet
Just picked up his smartphone and started to tweet
When down in the West Wing there arose such a clatter
He jumped on his bone spurs to see what was the matter

Away to the Oval, he waddled his mass
Slipped on a Big Mac and fell on his ass
The glow of his skin which was bright as the moon
Gave a luster of pumpkins to things in the room

When he saw, not a thief or common-born looters
But a limousine filled with eight prosecutors
With a driver so focused, it made Donnie shutter
For he knew in a moment it must be Bob Mueller

More relentless than hurricanes, the charges they flew
And he shouted them all so that everyone knew:
“Now, Collusion, now Obstruction, Money laundering too,
Deflections and lies, oh, and WikiLeaks too!

Away with this grifter and his Mexican Wall
He’s going to jail with his family and all!”
As subpoenas are issued before the plea bargains fly
When they meet with a target and he starts to cry
So, up to the White House, the limousine drew
With a trunk full of charges and Bob Mueller too.

And then in a twinkling, he heard like a roar
The knocking and banging on Donald’s front door
As Don rose to his feet and was turning around
Up Bob Mueller sprang with a bound

He was dressed in a suit with a nice bright red tie
And a look on his face that just knew if you lied
A large leather briefcase he held like a lance
And it made Don so frightened he soiled his pants

His eyes how they pierced you!
His teeth how they clinched
His look was so stern that it made Donnie wince.
And his mouth was curled upside down in a frown
As he stared at this fat, grifting blob of a clown

A big stack of warrants he held tight in his teeth
As his prosecutors encircled their boss like a wreath
He had a very stern face, and he looked very svelt
Unlike fat Donnie’s size fifty-four belt

He looked fit and trim as he presented himself
And Donnie pissed in his pants in spite of himself
But a squint of his eyes and a shake of his head
Let Donnie know he was deader than dead

He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And issued the warrants then turned on the jerk
And clamping some handcuffs on fat Donnie’s wrist
He warned the fat grifter that he shouldn’t resist

Then he sprang to his limo, to his team gave a wail
And away they all drove taking Donnie to jail
We heard Mueller tell Donnie as he drove through the gate
You’ll spend Christmas in prison ‘til you turn ninety-eight!