Archive for October, 2021

It’s the scariest time of year again, the time for headless creatures, ghouls, witches, and freaks. In other words, the Republican party. But it is also time for Halloween and taking the kids out at night dressed as their favorite characters to see which of your neighbors are potential serial killers. There are bound to be many pirates, princesses, Mandalorians, and Black Panthers. But if supply chain issues have left you costume challenged this year, fear not because the Clown Car Update has good news. Our special Halloween store is open until dark tonight and we have the most trending costumes of 2021. Welcome to our MAGA store, that’s Make America Ghastly Again with your favorite Republican characters. And sorry to say, all these characters were made in America! Here are some of the scariest characters made popular this year and have been in your nightmares almost every night:

  • It comes with a big plastic mouth, a megaphone, and the wretched stench of a gym rat. That’s right, it’s the Marjorie Taylor Greene Halloween costume guaranteed to scare off any left-leaning kids on the block who may be tempted to dress as AOC. This costume comes with a large megaphone and a Jewish Space Laser, so watch out! No treats and you’ll find your shrubs burning like a California wildfire. Best of all, there is no mask with this costume!
  • What Halloweener gives out candy? Well wonder no more if you’re wearing the Matt Gaetz prom night costume. Yes, you can have fun all night luring underage girls into your included Van parked across from the local middle school. The kit comes with a wild wig made from the finest rat fur available in the New York subway system and comes with an optional Joel Greenberg dummy companion. Sorry, we do not accept Venmo.
  • Even on Halloween you may need a good lawyer. Well, we don’t have one but this Rudy Giuliani costume will scare off lawsuits just by its looks. It has no neck and comes with a denture insert that squirts spittle when you say “Trick or Treat!” And the spittle reservoir has enough capacity so you are guaranteed to spray the entire neighborhood with spittle to spare!. And the pants come with a convenient front pouch just like you see in the latest Borat movie, enough room for extra candy or to fix your junk between houses. Sorry, the Abraham Lincoln filters are out of stock.
  • What has a big red nose and is always flying as high as a Blue Origin penis missile? No, no it’s not Rudolph. It’s our Donald Trump, Jr. costume complete with a wagon full of stuffed dead animals and a large bag of cocaine. And if your little man has a sister you will definitely want to add the Kimberly Guilfoyle with a head that screams “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!” Fox interviewer sold separately.
  • What smells like a municipal sewage treatment plant, has hair like a troll with a syphilitic infection, and has a pocket full of Congressional subpoenas? It’s our Steve Bannon Halloween costume complete with fake lice and realistic ticks and fleas. Here’s a warning, though. Other buyers of this costume report they were offered more soap and shampoo than candy. Flea collars available in Halloween colors.
  • And what Halloween would be complete without a Werewolf in sheep’s clothing or disguised as a Democrat. Introducing our Joe Manchin Halloween costume and it comes packaged in the back pocket of a fat lobbyist. And you better give this kid a treat or you’ll end up having your Social Security benefits taken away. Don’t get into a long conversation if he comes knocking because he loves to filibuster. And don’t make the mistake that Santa Claus made with this kid and threaten him with coal. He loves it more than his yacht!

Order your MAGA costume right now and this Halloween turn your neighborhood into the same hellscape these characters have made our country. At MAGA, we have the FREAKS!

Move over Netflix, Hulu, Paramount+, and Amazon Prime! Step aside Twitter, Facebook, and Tic-Toc! There’s a new kid on the block! He’s orange, he’s fat, and he is going to devour you like a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and spit you out like he accidentally ate a carrot! That’s right. From the man who brought you Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump Airlines, Trump Insurrection, and horse dewormer comes a social network and streaming service worthy of a Russian hooker with a full bladder. Introducing TRUTH Social and TMTG+, Donald Trump’s answer to big tech. According to a press release, the streaming service promises “‘non-woke’ entertainment programming, news, podcasts, and more.” That’s right, “non-woke” which probably means you can sleep through it and not miss anything.

Oh, I know what your saying. He tried this before and it landed like a Trump turd after a breakfast burrito. But this time The Great Pumpkin promises his new venture will “soon begin sharing [his] thoughts on TRUTH Social and to fight back against Big Tech.” By “thoughts” he means whatever falls out of his mouth while munching on a bag of pork rinds. You can preview the app in the Apple Store which cautions, “This content may change without notice and the final product may be different.” In other words, it might end with his pile of disbarred lawyers. But remaining optimistic, here is some of the original content you can look forward to on TMTG+:

  • Hitler: From Beer Hall Putsch to My Big Tush – The story of how the Hitler inspired Trump’s January 6 insurrection.
  • The Ku Klux Klan: We Want to Help – An in-depth look under the hoods of these sensitive and caring Christian men. After all, they leave a cross!
  • QAnon: Knuckle-Heads or Ahead of Their Time? – Alex Jones narrates a documentary which asks the question “Is it a conspiracy theory if you really believe it?”
  • January 6th: My Day With Patriots – Kevin McCarthy explains the meaning of Stockholm Syndrome.
  • Beauty Tips for Puckered Lips – Sen. Lindsey Graham shares his tips on what lipstick goes with an orange butt.
  • Job Fair for the Disbarred – Rudy Giuliani shares job opportunities for disbarred lawyers available on Cameo. Includes “how to use the Abraham Lincoln filter!”
  • Ask the Quack – Renowned Fox News contributor and demon sperm expert Dr. Stella Immanuel gives healthful advise on how to have safe sex with your “demon” husband.
  • Hygiene or High Treason? – Steve Bannon exposes the truth of how the deep state is using soap, water, and shampoo to turn you into a sweet smelling socialist. Also, Steve gives tips on the best flea and tick collars for men as well as introducing his own personal scent he calls Bannon’s Obsession or BO.
  • Trump Pilates – Donald Trump himself walks you through his daily regimen of Big Mac presses, ass sit downs and toilet squats. You should consult Dr. Oz before attempting these exercises.
  • The 700 Club – Donald Trump recounts the number of times he’s cheated on his wives.

So watch your local listings or favorite app store for these upcoming shows exclusively on TMTG+. We wish Donald Trump the best of luck with these new services and as we say in show biz, break a leg Donnie, hopefully in six or seven places!

A few weeks ago, Jeff Bezos, the man who gave us Amazon.com and was the first man to ride a penis into space, unveiled Astro, the company’s first personal robot. Astro will set you back $999.99, and comes with the ability to map and travel around your home, deliver drinks and recognize your face. While that sounds pretty impressive, it does seem a bit limited given the hefty price tag. And really, what does Astro do for your ego? Does it make you feel better about yourself? No. Does it shower you with compliments like a Russian hooker? No. Does it make you feel you are the center of the universe? Absolutely not! Which got us at the Clown Car Research Labs to thinking, what would be the perfect robotic companion that would bring you food, clean your house, but in addition, kiss your narcissistic ass all day long? The product would have to be the ultimate sycophant. After much deliberation, our crack researchers came up with the perfect model: A robot that would be a cross between a faithful canine and Mike Pence. Because nothing says “bring me a diet Coke and lick that dingleberry off my ass” like the lapdog Mike Pence. So introducing The Clown Car’s newest robotic companion, The Pence-a-Doodle.

Now the first models are a bit pricey, about the amount you would spend, say, to hush up a porn star you just porked. But just listen to the features the Pence-a-Doodle will bring into your miserable, self-absorbed little life:

  • A rugged aluminum and fiberglass outer shell so you can take Pence-a-Doodle to all your Russian hooker adventures without fear of corrosion. And don’t be afraid to let your insurrectionist followers chase Pence-a-Doodle around the house and try to beat him to a pulp because he can take it and still love you and say things like “January 6 was just another day!’ We’re best of buds!”
  • An extra large beverage and food container specifically designed to hold up to three buckets of chicken, five breakfast burritos, six Big Macs and three disbarred lawyers.
  • A screen with interchangeable faces to suit your mood. Choose from a lip-puckering Lindsey Graham, the creepy man outside the school in a van Matt Gaetz, or the ever-popular Mike Pence with a noose around his neck.
  • Teach him funny phrases like “I love being in your fox-hole,” “Hang Mike Pence!,” or “I called Dan Quayle for advice.”
  • Comes in a variety of colors from pure white, super white, supremacist white, and the David Duke collection.

And for an additional fee, you can have the companion robot, the Mother-a-Doodle, the Pence-a-Doodle’s lifelong companion. But don’t try to mate these two because Mother-a-Doodle will not do it doggie style! And Pence-a-Doodle comes with an unlimited guarantee because nothing can possibly break it because inside there are no guts!

So pre -order your Pence-a-Doodle today and avoid the rush before the 2024 elections. And remember our motto: “Pence-a-Doodle put the “sick” in sycophant!”

Well, well, well. Another week, and another tell-all book on the former Commode-Buster-In-Chief. And this one is a doozy! It is from Stephanie Grisham, the Creampickle’s former press secretary and personal advisor to Melania. If you don’t remember Ms. Grisham we don’t blame you because as press secretary, she never met the press. Not once. Although, to her credit, she did last longer than a Scaramucci. Anyway, the book entitled “I’ll Take Your Questions Now” has some really startling revelations about her ex-boss, the Russian Hookers’ Urinal. In fact, in the book, she claims that her first encounter with Plumputin was near a toilet.

Of the many revelations in the memoir, Grisham tells of the terrible temper that then President Bloato had and how the staff had to calm him down. According to her, “Mr Trump’s handlers designated an unnamed White House official known as the “Music Man” to play Mr Trump’s favorite show tunes, including Memory from the musical Cats, to improve his mood.” Of course it had to be “Cats” with all those pussies. But the most interesting reveal was about that mystery trip to Walter Reed in 2019 during which Trumplestiltskin had a routine colonoscopy. He hid the fact of the procedure because he didn’t want to be the “butt” of jokes on late night TV. And believe me, that would have been a big target!

Now, all of this got us at the Clown Car Update to wondering, what would the playlist be to keep Mustardlini calm during his ass reaming? Of course our reporter was able to obtain that list from a former nurse at Walter Reed who had a nervous breakdown and quit after what she saw come out of the Oval Orifice. Here are the songs that kept Colon Jowls calm when they spread his cheeks:

  • The End – The Doors
  • The Long And Winding Road – Beatles
  • My Ding-A-Ling – Chuck Berry
  • Big Bottom – Spinal Tap
  • U Can’t Touch This – MC Hammer
  • Blowing in the Wind – Bob Dylan
  • Uptown Funk – Bruno Mars
  • Pump It – The Black Eyed Peas
  • Don’t Stop Me Now – Queen
  • Islands In the Stream – Dolly Parton
  • Brown Sugar – The Rolling Stones
  • Classical Gas – Mason Williams
  • Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart – Johnny Cash
  • My Humps – The Black Eyed Peas
  • Big Ole Butt – LL Cool J
  • I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2

And of course, the last song they used to wake up Dorkenstein to go home was the Beatles’ “I’m a Loser!” But there is one question that went unanswered in Grisham’s book: How did the doctors get the scope around Lindsey Graham’s lips?