The Clown Car Update for June 18, 2017

Matthew 26: 17-30

The Last Cabinet Meeting 

On the one hundred and forty-second day of the Festival of Alternative Facts, the disciples came to Trump and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the truth?”

He replied, “Go into the Cabinet Room to a certain man named Kushner and tell him, ‘The Orange Oracle says: The appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the how great I am with my disciples in the White House’” So the disciples did as Babygod had directed them and prepared the spectacle.

When the time came, Trump was reclining at the table with the Fifteen. And while they were tripping over themselves trying to be the first to kiss his ample ass, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord Trump?”

Trump replied, “The one who has dipped his lips into my ass will leak stuff.² The Son of Fred lies just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who leaks bad things about the Son of Fred! It would be better for him if he had not been born, BIGLY”

While they were eating, Trump pulled down his pants and bent over saying, “Come and kiss this, this is my ass!” 

Then he pulled up his pants, and when he had given thanks, said, “Sing hymns of praise of me!”

And they sang, one by one, as parrots in a nut house.

Apostle Pence sang: “It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to lie for you with a straight face and serve as the chief ass-kisser to the Great Leader who has assembled a team of the most pathetic self-serving sycophants. With you, I will finally have the opportunity to completely destroy what is left of reality and democracy which I so miserably failed to do alone as a congressman or governor.  

Apostle Sessions sang: “We are receiving, as you know — I’m not sure the rest of these lesser apostles understand — the support of sleazebags,  all over America. They have been very frustrated having to hide under rocks and damp cracks in the basement. They are so thrilled that, due to your greatness, they can now walk in the light of day and openly hate anyone not white, straight, or male. You have blessed me with the opportunity to do what I do best, pretend to be a decent human being while stonewalling every effort to expose you or me for what we are, a miserable nail fungus on the toes of America. Oh, and you are not under investigation!”

Apostle Mulvaney sang: “Oh Lord Trump, thank you for a budget that allows us to starve worthless people who need starving. At the same time, with your holy blessing, we have been able to focus on the forgotten man and woman, who labor under the burden of having billions of dollars and the indignity of having to pay taxes. Trump be praised!”

Apostle Chao: Oh holy and blessed Trump, it was infrastructure week and you came to the Department of Transportation and thrilled hundreds and hundreds of people hanging out watching you walking on water. Who needs new bridges, right? And the buffet you arranged with just one fish and one loaf was a miracle, BIGLY!

Apostle Perry: “You found me wondering in the wilderness of Texas and brought me into the light of your greatness. When I couldn’t remember the third thing, you not only made me remember but also put me in charge of it. You have taught me that the Department of Energy is the Department of high-energy not low energy like Jeb Bush. Because of you, we are no longer held hostage to facts but can now claim that climate change is a Chinese hoax, just like those Chinese finger traps I was stuck in last night in my hotel room.”

Apostle Carson: “Like Lazarus, you have raised me from the dead sleep of unconsciousness to help me serve you and not to help any American. Praise you for Popeye Organizations and big belt buckles. I pray you keep me in perpetual slumber, amen.”

When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olive Garden for lunch.

This is the word of the Lord.

The Clown Car Update for June 11, 2017

There are a lot of things you should refrain from doing when you reach the age of 80. Never try out for the Olympic Gymnastic team. Don’t try to “hold it” until the next rest stop. And never, I mean never, be the last Senator to interview James Comey during a three-hour hearing. And although John McCain never tried a triple backflip and always has a pee bottle handy, he did violate the third rule when the elder statesman and cranky old man from Arizona, apparently had a stroke on live television while questioning the witness.

It was a historic day, to say the least. It was the first time in history that you had the former FBI director, who was fired by the current president, testifying to potential obstruction of justice. Second, it was the first day in that Donald Trump didn’t tweet a word. Sources tell us this was accomplished by distracting him with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and various artist conceptions of what his inauguration would have looked like if anyone attended.

But it all built to the most dramatic moment at the very end of the hearing when Sen. John McCain, the man who made Sarah Palin and Depends Breathable undergarments famous. As he proceeded,  his line of questioning sounded a drunk asking how his pants got pulled over his head. “Why,” he asked Comey, “did you end the Clinton email investigation and not the Trump/Russia investigation?” This was like asking Franklin Roosevelt why he was fighting the Second World War and not the Civil War. Comey explained that one investigation was finished and one was ongoing. McCain just was totally confused and looked like the time your grandfather wandered into the panty department in Target.

As McCain persisted in asking the same question over and over again and you could see his staff behind him frantically dialing 911 on their cellphones. They were looking on like family members watching Grampa remove all his clothes and jump into his birthday cake. Just shield the kid’s eyes and grab a big towel. But in this case, there was no towel, just Sen. Gramps flailing through papers, which didn’t help because all that was in front of him was his lunch order from the day before. Realizing McCain’s dilemma, Comey explained again that the Clinton investigation had reached a conclusion and the Trump/Russian investigation had not. This seemed to make him angrier, and I swear he mumbled something like “get off my lawn” or “build the dang fence.” He blurted out, “there just seems to be a double standard here.” Yes, John, you are right, there is a double standard. One for when investigations end, and one for when they are ongoing.

Now I know that McCain must have a professional staff who probably took him aside, explained that he had just crapped his pants in front of millions of viewers, and then quickly medicated him. Thankfully, he was the last questioner and was never elected president. But there is a lesson for us all here which is, when you reach the age of eighty, stop hitting on twenty-year-olds, stay close to a bathroom, and never, never go last at a Senate hearing.

 

 

The Clown Car Update for June 4, 2017

This week, Donald Trump posted an early morning tweet that to the majority of people not on crack made absolutely no sense. It went like this: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” When he was asked about the  “covfefe” tweet during a press conference, Spicy told our reporters, “The President and a small group of people know exactly what he meant”. Right. Which means that the president has completely lost his mind and fell asleep on the toilet. Well, our Clown Car reporters dug deeper into the mystery of “covfefe” and found that this is not the only code word Trump’s staff has had to explain. We found a partial list of other words that Trump invented to express his delusions. Here is a partial list:

Peememe: This means “I’m ready for you to piss on me” It was used between Trump and his Russian contacts as a signal to send in the peeing hookers. Used in a Tweet it would be “This was such a stressful day and I’m horney peememe”

Putdada: This means “Putin is my daddy”. It is how Vladimir Putin demands Donald Trump to start any conversation with himself or a Russian official. On Twitter, it would look like “Obama tapped my wires Putindada”

Scooptutu: This means “Since I’m the president, everyone gets one scoop of ice cream and I get two” This is obviously a really big deal to Trump, along with the fact that he gets the extra chicken sauce and the largest diet Coke.  On Twitter, it would be “I just had a great dinner. Nuked Syria, then had the best chocolate cake scooptutu”

Combama: This is a vision Trump has in his most dreaded nightmare. In it, he is chased by a man with Jim Comey’s body and Barack Obama’s head. This explains his tweet “Bad man, sick man, Combama!”

Obamtap: This is used when the voices inside Donald’s head start telling him someone is watching him and leaking information.  He hallucinates that Obama is under his desk listening to his phone conversations. He tweets “Funny noises in my head, obamatap!”

Inteloopse: Sometimes, when meeting with Russian spies, Trump has been known to blurt out top secret information like the name of American spies working in the Kremlin. Trump then tweets “Inteloops!”

Endhaphape: This is a code word known only to Trump’s most trusted advisors. It is used when he is bragging about his sexual exploits in Russia. It means “happy ending”.  In a tweet, it would be “The girls just gave me a golden shower and endhaphap.”

Hoodwinke: This word is a nod of appreciation to the KKK and white supremacists. As we all know, Trump loves his supporters, especially those white ones, who sometimes wear hoods.  on Twitter it looks like this, “I don’t even know David Duke hoodwink”

Popepoope: A code word for “the Pope’s evil and full of shit” in a tweet, it would look like “The Pope just handed me his encyclical on climate change popepoop.”

Now, the Clown Car reporters were only able to obtain a partial list of these code words. Our sources tell us that some code words are only known to Donald himself. For example, tinypeepee, badshrinkage, poopedpants, and wigglue. For now, we will leave those interpretations to you!

The Clown Car Update for May 28, 2017

Ryad, Saudi Arabia: Dear Diary, I just landed in Saudi Arabia and I love this place! Everywhere you look, there is a big picture of me just like in my bedroom. So many people come up to me and tell me how better looking I am than Obama because he’s bad or sick. It really feels like home here because all the men are wearing white robes. It’s like one big Trump rally! Later, those guys took out swords and started to dance. It scared the shit out of me and I dropped a load in my pants. They must have really liked my dancing because later the king gave me a medal. The fake news said I curtseyed but like the dishonest media they are, they got the story wrong. I had to dip because my Depends started to shift. On our last night, I gave a speech about how much I love all the Muslims there but that I really don’t want them coming to my country. They seemed OK with that because I sold them lots of guns to help them kill other Muslims. Then we all touched a big glowing ball and it told me I was the best-looking president ever, I had bigger crowds than Obama, and I really won the popular vote. I must remember to fire Sean Spicer and get one of these balls.

Tel Aviv, Israel:  Dear Diary, we finally landed in Israel and believe me, it is good to be out of the Middle East. There are too many Muslims with swords.  My son-in-law Jared is here too and he’s a Jew, so that makes Bibi happy. Bibi has a wall like I want and I got to go there with a guy with a beard and a beanie on his head. They gave me a beanie to wear too, but mine had a helicopter on it.  I touched the wall and everyone thought I was praying but I closed my eyes and wished that Jim Comey would drop dead. Just in case, I hid the tape of me trying to bribe him in a hole in the wall. Later at a news conference, I assured Bibi that I never told the Russians what he told me about ISIS. He looked surprised.

Rome: Dear Diary, Today we landed in Rome. After this, they said we will go to Italy. I can’t wait for Italy because there you get to grab anything you want and get away with it. It’s like all the Italian men are Donald Trump. I tried to grab Melania’s hand on the tarmac but she slapped my hand away. I think she’s still mad about that pissing thing in Moscow or maybe that pussy thing. Whatever, she won’t even hold my hand. She says she doesn’t know where it’s been. Sad. She is such a loser because I have the biggest, best hands to hold. Even those guys in the sheets in Ryad held my hand. I never kissed them like Bush though, because that’s gay and I am not gay. Also, my penis is really big.  I met the pope today. Sean Spicer wanted to come along to confess to lying so much. I sent him home. The pope wore a beanie and a robe. I guess he’s half Muslim and half Jewish. I gave him a set of books from Martin Luthor King, Jr. and told him how much the blacks loved me at home. Then I asked him if he would go on CNN and tell everyone that I am not under investigation by the FBI. He said no and instead gave Ivana a rosary and told her to pray for America. He’s really something. Such a kidder! As we left, all the Cardinals waved goodbye with the special Cardinal Salute holding up their middle fingers in my honor.

Brussels, Belgium: We arrived in Belgium which is a nice break from my European trip. Here I will attend a NATO meeting. To be honest, I have no idea what NATO stands for, but Bannon tells me they owe me a lot of money. I told them to pay up or I might have to send some Russians to mess up their beautiful city. Then we took pictures and some guy from Montenegro tried to get his mug in front of me. I gave him the Montana Body Slam and got in front of him. Note: Add Montenegro to my travel ban. Tomorrow we go to Sicily and I’m looking forward to seeing some old mob buddies hiding there. I guess I’ll be meeting with the seven Giamatti families because they call it the G-7. They helped me with a lot of real estate deals so maybe they can help with Comey. Tomorrow we fly back to Washington where I can finally have some KFC and a decent bowel movement. Traveling really blocks me up and I’m having a Movantik moment. And after I get back, Kellyanne promised me THREE scoops of ice cream and I will be giving the commencement address to the 2017 class of Trump University. “Go Pricks!”

 

The Clown Car Update for May 21, 2017

Sources close to the White House have told the Clown Car that the president of the United States has defected to Russia. Apparently thinking around the president’s legal team is that after the appointment of a special counsel on Thursday, this was his only move left. Last night, on his first foreign tour of his presidency, Trump tweeted one word that left the world baffled.It was “Rosebud.” Moments later, our sources tell us, Trump ordered Air Force One to be prepared for an unscheduled stop in Moscow, Russia.  A few hours later, Trump’s entourage landed at Domodedovo International Airport where they were greeted by Trump’s closest friend and advisor, Vladimir Putin.

On the flight to Moscow, Trump’s new press secretary, Sean Spicelov told reporters that Trump felt underappreciated by friends and enemies alike and decided to spend the rest of his life among the only source of support he had left, the Russians. The scene on Air Force One was surreal as Spicelov, who bore a striking resemblance to Sean Spicer except for a pair of glasses with a big nose and mustache attached, told reporters the plan. Apparently, weeks ago, when the president met with Sergey Lavrov and Sergey Kislyak in the Oval Office, a note was passed from Trump to Lavrov asking to get him out of this mess. Apparently, all the laughing that was seen on the photos of the meeting was Lavrov’s reaction when Trump lamented that he should have never left those pissers in Moscow. Trump said everything trickled out of control since then. The Russians at the time assured him that if he ever needed to get away, the girls in Moscow were still there, ready to shower him with praise.

The appointment of the special counsel was the last straw, according to Spicelov, and the plan was set in motion. Trump contacted Putin’s office and, in exchange for the nuclear codes, Putin agreed to give Trump asylum. When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC News about the wisdom of giving such sensitive information to Putin, Spicelov abruptly turned the press briefing over to Sarah Sanderlosky, who, except for a blond wig and a large mole on her nose, resembled Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She dismissed Mitchell’s question, explaining that the nuclear codes were the property of the American people, not the fake news press. Asked if she Trump was concerned Putin would use the codes against the United States, she replied, “well, that would solve the problem of that special counsel then, wouldn’t it?”

When we contacted Melania Trump at Trump Tower, she dismissed the entire incident as her husband just acting out. Melania Trump told The Clown Car that her husband was engaged in “boy talk, and he was led on – like, egg on – from Lavrov to say dirty and bad stuff” in the Oval Office. “He’ll be back!” When asked how she was so sure, Melania responded, “he forgot his golf clubs!”

 

 

The Clown Car Update for May 14, 2017

Episode 426 of The Tim Corrimal Show

Has this ever happened to you? Your boss just fired the FBI director and never gave you a heads-up? The White House press pool is yelling for you outside your door but you don’t want to come out? Your bunny suit is at the dry cleaners so there is nowhere you can hide? Well, this doesn’t have to happen anymore.  Now from the makers of Chia Donald Trump and Chia Kelly Anne Conway comes Instant Shrubbery. With Instant Shrubbery just a few sprays and you are instantly covered from head to toe in plush greenery. And you know the saying, if you can’t see the press then the press can’t see you.

So turn out all the lights and slip into obscurity so no one can see you or hear your answers. You’re not hiding in the bushes, you are just among the bushes but reporters questions go right over the plush greens. And the best thing is that they cannot hear your answers. There are no more worries about your inability to pronounce even the simplest of English words because the shrubs muffle your answers anyway! The trouble with Russian names like Lavrov and Kislyak are lasterday’s problem with Instant Shrubbery. And Instant Shrubbery comes with an adjustable nozzle so you can match the strength of the shrubs to the difficulty of the press conference. Set it on light for questions from Newsmax or InfoWars, turn it up to Fox News medium, or pump the strength all the way up to Glenn Trush emergency or CNN heavy duty. Whatever the job, Instant Shrubbery has the right setting for the right questions.

With Instant Shrubbery you get the peace of mind of knowing that whatever you tell them you can deny tomorrow and blame it on the muffled sound caused by the rustling leaves. In fact, you can claim it wasn’t even you giving the answers because you were hidden by so much brush that they can’t prove you were even there. Think of all the trips to that empty parking garage Deep Throat had to make to uncover Watergate. If he had Instant Shrubbery, he could have tipped off Woodward and Burnstein in the comfort of his own backyard.

Order now and we will send you a can of Instant Shrubbery with the handy adjustable spray nozzle for the unbelievable price or $19.95 plus shipping and money laundering fees. And if you order withing the next 30 minutes, we will include a second can of Instant Shrubbery absolutely free! Just pay extra extortion fees. And if you act now we will include a can of Instant Sarah Huckabee Sanders for the days you just don’t want to do that press briefing at all. Just spray her out to the podium and she will lie just like a republican selling a health care bill. And remember, Instant Shrubbery comes with an iron-clad satisfaction guarantee. If you are not completely satisfied just return the unused portion and we will refund your money, no questions asked. And after all, that’s the point because you really don’t want anyone asking questions.

The Clown Car Update for May 7, 2017

On Episode 425 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it was another crazy week in the White house briefing room. This week Mick Mulvaney and Sean Spicer tried to convince us that tax breaks for billionaires are really health care, republicans care about the poor, and chain link fences are really walls.  And in watching that Alice-In-Wonderland extravaganza, I was reminded of one of my favorite Sesame Street exercises, One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other. So I thought it would be fun to play that game with ten questions from this week in Trumpland. Keep your score on the honor system and we will give you the results at the end.

Let’s play “One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other: Trump Edition”

Question #1:

1. Viagra
2. Cialis
3. Levitra
4. Paul Ryan

Three are drugs to make your dick hard. One is a big prick.

Question #2:

1. Abraham Lincoln
2. Franklin Roosevelt
3. John F. Kennedy
4. Donald Trump

Three were presidents who led America through a crisis. One is a crisis.

Question #3:

1. Medicare
2. Medicaid
3. Obamacare
4. American Health Care Act

Three are health care plans for the old, sick, and poor, one is a plan for fat old men to have a beer party in the Rose Garden.

Question #4:

1. Bird shit
2. Elephant shit
3. Cow shit
4. Donald Trump

This was a trick question. They are exactly the same thing.

Question #5

1. Bachelor of Science
2. Master of Science
3. PhD
4. First grade

Three are college earned degrees. The other is the speech level of the current president of the United States.

Question #6

1. The Russian President
2. The Russian Prime Minister
3. The Russian Ambassador
4. The President of the United States

Three are Russian officials working out of the Kremlin. One is a Russian official working out of the White House.

Question #7

1. Brad Pitt
2. Jennifer Lawrence
3. Anne Hathaway
4. Michael Flynn

Three have vanity license plates. One will soon be making license plates.

Question #8

1. A urinal
2. A toilet bowl
3. The men’s room floor
4. Donald Trump

Another trick question. All four get pissed on.

Question #9

1. John Wilkes Booth
2. Lee Harvey Oswald
3. Mark David Chapman
4. Steve Bannon

Three are assassins. One is an ass.

Question #10

1. A snake
2. A cat
3. A Opossum
4. Kelly Ann Conway

Three are hissing, one is a missing!.

So, let’s see how you did. If you kept your score at home, here are the results:

0 – 2 Comatose. You really do think a fence is a wall and that your hubcap collection is worth a fortune.

3 – 5 Barely awake. A brain scan would probably reveal cat litter.

6 – 8 Good, but still wondering how you could have missed between two and four of these. Maybe it’s just Trump fatigue.

9 – 10 Excellent. You probably voted for Hillary and are now realizing that we are all screwed!

I hope you all did well, and remember, one of these is better not be like the other: 2010, 2014. 2016. and 2018. Why? Because unlike the first three, in 2018, we take back our country!

 

 

The Clown Car Update for April 30, 2017

This week, the White House made news when all 100 senators were invited to attend a briefing on the North Korean crisis. It was an unusual move to hold such a briefing at the White House instead of at the Capitol, where such briefings are normally held. But our reporting now reveals that there may have been a more nefarious motive behind the invitation, and the details are disturbing.

Sources close to one democratic senator have told the Clown Car Network (CCN) that fifty Democratic senators have been kidnapped by a person or persons unknown. Our source, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, claim that the buses that were supposed to take the senators to the White House for a briefing on North Korea were actually used to take them to another location, or worse.  Eyewitnesses who were at the Capitol Building for a tour said that they saw the senators boarding the bus, but they all seemed at first to be in a jovial mood.  “No one seemed to be coerced into getting on the bus”, Carly Deitrick, a tourist from Wilmington Delaware, told us. “We were all taking photos with our iPhones and they were smiling and waving,” she said.

But then, something happened that made one of the tourists suspicious. They seemed to start separating the group, putting the Republican senators on one bus, and all the Democrats on another.  Gene Harlow of Omaha, Nebraska told us, “In fact, they were quite rough with the democrats and at one point Elizabeth Warren refused to get on the bus and was tasered by Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.  According to Mr. Harlow, McConnell was heard to say “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”

At first, both buses proceed down Pennsylvania Avenue but only the one carrying the republicans stopped at the White House. The other bus with the democratic senators kept moving and eventually got on to the D.C. beltway. FBI director James Comey said at a press conference that the bus with the markings “Last Tours” was last seen at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Comey said he believes that from there a plane took the democratic senators to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

On senate staffer told us that early last week the senators were told that there was to be a briefing at the White House on the North Korean crisis. Each of the senators was given top secret classified documents to review ahead of time. Since the documents were encrypted, it took some time for staff to translate them and have them printed in time for the democratic senators to review.  Unfortunately, they were not quite ready by the time the buses arrived. As the senators were separated and the democrats headed into their bus, a senate staffer ran down the steps of the Capitol screaming and waving a document. This seemed to be the point when things got rough at the democrats’ bus as they panicked when they heard the staffer screaming, “IT”S A COOKBOOK!”

 

The Clown Car Update for April 23, 2017

Well, it’s been one-hundred days since the Orange Menace took office but it seems like one hundred years! In the last few days, he has boasted that he has accomplished more in that time than any other president before him. So, in the tradition of most news organizations, the Clown Car decided to fact-check his claim. To do this, we compared his record with the president who set the standard for the first one-hundred days of the presidency, Franklin D. Roosevelt. Then rated his claim on the Joe Wilson Scale of You Lie. Here’s what we found.

• Between March 8 and June 16, Congress followed Roosevelt’s lead by passing an incredible fifteen separate bills and several of the programs are still around in the federal government today. Between January 20 and April 28, Trump passed so much gas that most of the odor is still around in the federal government today.
• In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt declared a bank holiday to prevent the banking system from collapsing. In his first hundred days, Trump declared a Big Mac holiday to prevent his belly from collapsing.
• To prevent deflation, Roosevelt ended the Gold Standard. To deflate his stomach, Trump took a dump on a gold toilet.
• Roosevelt signed the Glass-Steagall Act, preventing investment banks from using deposits for investment. Trump declared alternate facts, preventing anyone from using facts to check his tweets.
• In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt initiated massive government spending to “prime the pump” of the economy. Trump had to have his stomach pumped to flush out the remains of a well-done steak with ketchup.
• Roosevelt established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to back up deposits against loss up to twenty-five hundred dollars. Trump got backed up big time after eating a bowl of nachos with Cheese Whiz.
• Roosevelt signed the Federal Securities Act into law, which regulated what Wall Street bankers could do with the stock market. Trump nominated Wall Street bankers to all his cabinet positions to ensure their federal security.
• Roosevelt signed the Agriculture Adjustment Act, that helped reduce crop surpluses and increase prices for crops. Trump reduced ethics standards for the presidency to increase profits from his businesses.
• Roosevelt started the Civilian Conservation Corps: putting  250,000 young men to work in rural conservation projects in national parks and forests. Trump started the Civilian Survivor Corps, putting everyone on notice that they may have to live in parks and forests.
• Roosevelt started the Tennessee Valley Authority providing electrification and other basic improvements to the impoverished interior of the South. Trump signed an executive order to allow the coal industry to provide polluted water and unbreathable air to the impoverished interior of the south.
• Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act created new agencies and regulations that tightened the relationship between government and business. Trump initiated the Trump Foundation Recovery Act, tightening the flow of money between government and his businesses.
• Roosevelt signed the Federal Emergency Relief Act, providing direct relief, training and work for unemployed Americans. Trump started the Trump Family Relief Project, providing direct profits, sweet deals, and branding opportunities for his unemployed family members.

So after reviewing Trump’s first hundred days to that of the Roosevelt administration, we give Trump’s claim, that he has accomplished more in his first hundred days that any other president, five Joe Wilsons!

*Roosevelt accomplishments as reported on www.shmoop.com.

The Clown Car Update for April 16, 2017

Faster than a speeding Tomahawk Missile. More powerful than the Mother of All Bombs. Able to leap Sean Spicer in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a man! It’s a real estate agent. No, it’s SuperJared! Yes, it’s SuperJared, strange visitor from another family who came to Trumpopolis with money and real estate holdings far beyond those of mortal men. SuperJared, who can change the course of legislation, bend his father-in-law with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Ivanka’s husband, mild-mannered heir to a great metropolitan branding mogul, fights a never-ending battle for revenge, money and the Trumpian way. And now on Episode 422 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we feature the adventures of SuperJared.

In today’s adventure, SuperJared’s arch-enemy, the hygiene-challenged madman, Lex Bannon, is scheming to take over the world. His newest plan involves the madman’s latest dastardly invention, the Shrink-O-Ray. Bannon, along with his loyal and equally greasy assistant, Typhoid Conway,  plans to use the ray to shrink the president down to the size of his own penis and put him into a condom containing an exact replica of the Oval Office. Conway is skeptical of the plan and wonders aloud if it has a chance of working. “Of course it will work,” Lex Bannon says with a sinister laugh, “just look at what it did to his hands!” Conway and Bannon start howling together with the image of little Donald stuffed in a condom.

Meanwhile, in another part of the White House, Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared, are meeting with Russian and Chinese bankers to finance her newest idea for child care for poor working families, a chain of daycare centers run by undocumented aliens forced to wear uniforms from her line of clothing. Suddenly they hear the clanking of a large piece of equipment being rolled past the conference room. Ivanka peeks out and tells Jared that Bannon and Conway moving something that looks like a food cart toward her father’s office. Becoming suspicious, Jared excuses himself from the meeting with the excuse that “you can only rent coffee!” Everyone chuckles unaware of his real intention.

Quietly, in a stall in the executive bathroom, Jared Kushner removes his sweater vest to reveal his true identity, SuperJared! On his chest was emblazoned the letter “K”, the seal of the Family of K. SuperJared’s real name, Jar-K was from his native planet, Shiftyon. He was sent to earth just before his father, Chuck-K was sent to prison for tampering with Shiftyon’s orbit. On earth, Jar-K had super-powers due the gold found everywhere in Trumpopolis. His only vulnerability was felonite,  a radioactive material left over after his father’s trial and conviction.

Now, in his real identity of SuperJared, he streaked to the Oval Office with super-speed where Lex Bannon and Typhoid Conway were just about to turn President Trump into condom size pee-pee. Disguised as a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, original recipe, they already had the barrel of the Shrink-O-Ray aimed right at the president’s stomach, the easiest target to hit. Just then, SuperJared crashed the door of the Oval Office causing the taxpayers of Trumpopolis four-million dollars in repair costs. “Stop!” he yelled and grabbed Conway’s hair, trying to pull her away from the weapon. But SuperJared was unable to hang on since Conway’s hair was greasy with the residue of felonite and not being washed for a month. This gave Lex Bannon just enough time to complete the firing sequence on the Shrink-O-Ray and smacked Donald right in the breadbasket! He immediately shrunk and was vacuumed into the orange condom attached to the weapon. SuperJared was too late, and the president could not be saved. Just then, Ivanka, hearing the commotion, ran into the Oval Office. She was shocked to find her father stuffed into a condom and SuperJared holding Conway and Bannon for the Secret Service to arrest them. Just then, Ivanka noticed that SuperJared has toilet paper trailing from his tights. “Why, Jared! You were SuperJared all along!” His secret identity revealed, Jared kissed Ivanka and admitted the truth.

“Well quick, SuperJared,” Ivanka said, “fly fast around the word and turn daddy back!” “No,” SuperJared said with a smile, “let’s just keep him like this for the rest of his term. After all, he has been screwing things up pretty bad the first hundred days.” “But who will run everything?” Ivanka wondered aloud. “Well, I will,” boasted SuperJared, “I will run EVERYTHING!” “But what about dad in that orange condom?” “Don’t worry, dear, to him it is like nothing ever changed. To him, he is still one big prick!”