398-1

This week on Episode 398 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Hindenburg of political campaigns known as the Trump campaign burst into flames and came crashing to the ground. The first sign of trouble was when Trump realized that his floating bag of gas was losing altitude and his poll numbers were on fire. So he threw a life line to Steve Bannon of Breitbart News and pollster Kellyanne Conway. Just when everything seemed under control, Paul Manafort, a Russian spy, was discovered playing with matches in the engine room. Needing to lose ballast, Trump threw him off the ship on Friday. This all ended with the skeleton of the ship burning on the ground and cable news analysts crying over the devastation to their TV ratings. Trump later expressed regret, not for destroying all those lives, but that the fire had burned his poll numbers to a crisp. Oh, the humanity!

You would think that all this news earlier in the week would be dominating the headlines. But then the biggest surprise this week came Friday when archeologists in five cities made a fantastic discovery.  Simultaneously, in San Francisco, New York City, Cleveland, Seattle, and Los Angeles, evidence of an unknown branch of human evolution was discovered. Perfectly preserved specimens were found in all five cities, including one in Union Square in New York. Resembling an overweight and penis challenged Donald Trump, scientists quickly dubbed it Trumpus Micropenis, an extinct offshoot of Homo Non-Erectus.

The distinguishing characteristics of this new species is a large, protruding mid-section nearly obscuring a tiny and underdeveloped genitalia. The cranium seems to be rather out-sized for what is believed to have been vary small brain. Renee Costa, an archeologist with the Smithsonian Institute said, “He had a much bigger head than his brain size required, indicating that some physiological process caused his head to swell.” Other archaeologists pointed out that head swelling, often accompanied by abnormally tiny hands, is often is associated with the inability to grasp things. In addition, the outer cranium was totally devoid of hair, which the Micropenis apparently covered with primitive moss or animal pelts.

Additional features of the new humans ancestors included an orange tint to the skin, indicating some form of primitive camouflage. The skin was also particularly slimy, probably to enable the species to slip out of the grip of other bipeds when they were caught trying to steal things. Since there are only five known specimens, it is theorized that this branch became extinct almost as soon as it arose. Some scientists speculate that the small genitalia, along with the large stomach folds obscuring them, made it difficult for them to mate. Others disagree, pointing out that this creature was simply  repulsive, even to Neanderthal females.

The specimen found in Cleveland seems to have been the last of its kind and was apparently killed in a landslide caused by opposing tribes who felt threatened by its warlike tendencies. “It’s a good thing too,” Jeremy Cook, a psychological paleontologist from Columbia University pointed out. “It would have been a much uglier world if such a creature became the dominant species. I wouldn’t want to even think about it. To put it in layman’s terms, it would be like living in a world run by Donald Trumps!”

 

397

Are you sick and tired of hearing something Donald Trump said, only to learn the next day that what you heard wasn’t what he said? Are you the kind of person that takes things literally when someone says he means it, literally? Do you have a difficult time detecting sarcasm? Is Donald Trump’s dog whistle humor too high in pitch for your ears to detect? Well, on Episode 397 of The Tim Corrimal Show we have a solution to all your interpretation difficulties that will save you time as well the embarrassment of sounding like Katrina Pierson. For this election cycle only, we are offering you Trumptionary, the all inclusive dictionary of Donald Trump’s words and phrases. Originally developed for the scholars at Trump University, this book is the definitive guide to what Donald Trump really means. Just look up a word or phrase when Trump speaks and you will really know what he meant to say. But don’t take our word for it, listen to these testimonials from actual users of this handy guide.

“I thought I heard Donald promise that my instructors at Trump University were hand picked by him personally. But when I looked up ‘picked personally’ in the Trumptionary, there it was in plain English that it means hired off the street with no qualifications whatsoever to teach real estate. Boy, was I fooled!” – Gene, White Plains, NY

“I was attending a Trump rally, and I thought I heard Donald say to punch the protestor next to me in the face. Good thing I checked my Trumptionary first. Turns out that ‘punch in the face’ really means to love and respect that person’s First Amendment rights!”  – Mike, Topeka, KS

“Talk about embarrassed. I was loading my Smith and Wesson to go out and shoot a politician when my neighbor asked me what I was doing. I told her what Donald Trump said about ‘Second Amendment remedies’ when she started to laugh and showed me her Trumptionary. There right on page 143 was the explanation. ‘Second Amendment remedies’ really means to get out and vote on election day. I saved a lot of good ammo that day!” – Elaine, Portland, OR

“After I heard Donald say that Barack Hussein Obama founded that filthy organization ISIS, I was so mad I stayed up all night writing a letter to my congressman demanding that he be impeached and tried for treason. Good thing I didn’t mail that letter. When my daughter asked my why I was up all night, I was stunned to find that ‘founded ISIS’ was sarcasm. If I only looked at my daughter’s copy of Trumptionary, I could have saved myself a sleepless night, not to mention the postage stamp!” – Coleen, Philadelphia, PA

First Trump signed the pledge. Then, when he got the nomination he promised he would become more ‘presidential’. Then a staffer gave me her copy of Trumptionary, and I nearly fell off my high horse! ‘Presidential’ means ‘buffoon’ and the word ‘pledge’ isn’t even in the Trumptionary!” – Reince, Kenosha, WI

If you act now, we will include our “Trumptionary” for PC or Mac. Just load it into your computer, put on your headphones, and never get fooled by a Trump rally speech again. With the software’s handy rewind feature, you can listen to the speech over and over and always get the latest interpretation in the actual voice of Rudy Giuliani. Don’t miss this fantastic offer by the people who brought you the Republican thesaurus,”Word Twister”. Operators are standing by and don’t forget to say the code words “Just Kidding” and get an extra 20% off the purchase price. Actually, we don’t really discount anything. You heard that wrong. After all, who you gonna believe, your own ears or Trumptionary?”

 

 

3961

This week on Episode 396 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it’s abandon ship for the GOP! Since his disastrous post convention meltdown, Trump has seen his ship, along with his poll numbers, sink faster than Paul Ryan’s career. While Speaker Ryan is stubbornly standing with Captain Cheeto, other GOP rats, sensing their imminent drowning, are leaving the ship to seek the safety of the Democratic Party. This mass GOP defection, which this week included Meg Whitman, Bush aide Sally Bradshaw, and New York congressman Richard Hanna, has presented the D.N.C. with some unexpected challenges. As brilliantly outlined by Andy Borowitz in this week’s New Yorker magazine, the exodus is causing a refugee crisis never before experienced by D.N.C. staff. In an effort to thoroughly vet the incoming asylum seekers, the D.N.C. has developed a psychological profiling questionnaire to help screen the applicants in order to place them in the proper deprogramming level. Here at the Clown Car we have obtained a copy of the questionnaire.


Thank you for seeking asylum at the D.N.C. We are aware that transitioning  from the fact free environment of the GOP to a data filled world can cause serious mental distress. As a result, we have employed professional deprogrammers who are prepared to bring you back to the world of reality. This questionnaire will help our staff evaluate you mental state in order make your return to sanity as fast as possible, so please answer all questions honestly.

  1. When did you become a republican?
    1. Less than one year ago
    2. 1-5 years ago
    3. After a massive head injury
  2. As a member of the republican party, have you ever:
    1. Worn a three pointed hat
    2. Worn a foam Lady Liberty crown
    3. Seen Jesus on a piece of toast
  3. Have you ever been treated for the following:
    1. Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS)
    2. Minority aversion
    3. Meka Brezinski virus
    4. David Vitter Dermatitis ( commonly known as Diaper Rash)
    5. Clinton Derangement Syndrome (CDS)
    6. Afluenza
    7. Benghazi Fever
  4. Have you ever endorsed Donald Trump?
    1. If your answer is yes, please attach proof that you have rescinded your endorsement and have been treated by medical professionals.
  5. How often do you watch Fox News?
    1. Once a week
    2. Three times a week
    3. My retina has been permanently damaged.
  6. Do you believe any of the following:
    1. Obama was born in Kenya
    2. Hilary Clinton killed Vince Foster and buried him in the Rose Garden
    3. Hilary Clinton organized and led the attack on our outpost in Benghazi
    4. Trump is a good businessman
    5. Michelle Obama is a man
    6. The Obama dogs are Muslim sympathizers
    7. Vaccines causes homosexuality
    8. Earth was created in 1980 by Ronald Reagan
  7. Climate change is:
    1. Backed up by scientific evidence
    2. A result of too many trees
    3. A liberal plot to take away my guns
  8. Upon seeing a homeless person, you would:
    1. Search your pockets for empty change
    2. Offer to take them for a meal
    3. Kick them and tell them it’s their own fault for not having a 401(k) like youn
  9. Have you ever been the GOP candidate for president?
  10. Are you or have you ever been the Speaker of the House?
  11. Are you capable of conversation that does not include:
    1. Defecit
    2. Less government
    3. Less regulation
    4. Tax cuts
    5. States rights
    6. The second amendment
    7. Liberty
    8. Any reference to Alex Jones
  12. Have you ever plagiarized a Michelle Obama speech?
  13. List highest level of education
    1. High school
    2. College
    3. Post graduate
    4. Trump University
  14. If you were in a public place where there was a crying baby, you would:
    1. Be tolerant and tell the parent it’s no problem
    2. Offer to hold the baby
    3. Punch the parent and tell them to get the baby out of here

After your initial screening, you will be assigned a counselor who will reacquaint you with science, math, and reading. If you are a former member of the Tea Party, personal hygiene will be added to your sessions.  Upon completion of your seminars, you will be given a certificate of completion with the full text of Ted Cruz’s 2016 GOP convention speech not endorsing Donald Trump.


So for all the disaffected republicans seeking to flee the scourge of Donald of Orange, there is hope. The D.N.C has opened it hearts and doors to the poor wandering souls escaping the smoldering ruins of their party. And for those like Paul Ryan and John McCain, who  are still trying to save the ship, a warning: Abandon ship because Captain Don left you a long time ago.

 

3951

This week on Episode 395 of the Tim Corrimal Show, as history was being made at the Democratic National Convention, disturbing revelations of Russian interference in our national elections surfaced and in the middle of the messy story was a huge ball of orange hair. When asked about it, he weapons-grade plumb denied any involvement then asked his friends at the Kremlin to hack into government computers to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton. This set off a firestorm of questioning to which The Steaming Pile of Orange Dung  told an female NBC reporter to “Shut up!”. But the investigative reporters in the Clown Car garage did some hacking of our own and what we found was shocking. We uncovered  disturbing links between the Russians and The Evil Cheeto and they explain a lot about some of his political tactics.  Here are some highlights as reported by our whistleblowers at ClownLeaks:

  • Trump keeps an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush at Putin’s apartment.
  • Putin has been seen leaving the Kremlin with orange residue on his fingers.
  • Every time Trump says “Believe me” it is a coded message to Putin meaning”I love you”
  • The code name given to Trump by Russian security forces is “Tiny Orange Hands”
  • On one trip to Russia, Donald Trump visited a Moscow tattoo parlor and had “Glad To Be Vlad’s” placed on his ass.
  • Kremlin doctors have repeatedly treated Trump for what they described as “shrinkage”.
  • Vladimir Putin often meets with Trump disguised as Scott Baio.
  • Donald’s hairpiece was made from Putin’s chest hair.
  • Putin’s favorite pet name for Donald is “Cheetos Butt”.
  • Due to his bladder condition, Putin often teases Trump as “Wikileaks”.
  • Trump is often smuggled into the Kremlin as a large tangerine ballbag.
  • Putin’s named his horse “John Barron”
  • Trump’s Kremlin email account is fucktrumpet@comradeputin.ru

Besides these examples, it was discovered that Trump has been given extensive access to Kremlin office equipment and used Putin’s private copy machine to prepare Melania’s convention address. In addition, large shipments of cash have flowed from the Trump campaign to the Kremlin in crates marked “Trump Steaks”. Also, members of the Russian Federal Assembly have been intimidated and coerced into signing up for Trump University and forced to pay with their own credit cards.

Folks, the menace is real and it must be stopped now. We here at ClownLeaks are working diligently to release to you the very latest in the ongoing conspiracy to turn our country into the United States of Russia. So be wary and be sure to vote for Hillary Clinton on November 8. If you don’t, the next time someone flips your state to red, you may be speaking Russian.

394 This week on Episode 394 of the Tim Corrimal Show,  we look back at the GOP convention, which to me more resembled an episode of the Sopranos.  So much so that in addition to all the national news outlets, the convention attracted some foreign news outlets, like Aljazeera America and a little known network run by the mob, Alcapona America. You may not have  heard much about Alcapona because they mostly cover the big mafia meetings which, of course, the GOP convention was. I thought it would be interesting to hear how they covered the convention, so here is a transcript of the Alcapona Network’s summery of the Republican National Convention. A word of caution, the transcript contains psychopathic references, violence to hogs, and Scott Baio.

From the Alcapona Network:

“Hello, Consiglieres and Capos, this is Paulie Gatto reporting from a safe house somewhere in Cleveland. This week, there was a big meeting called by the head of the Trumpano family, Don Trumpano. I’m not kidding, his parents named him Don, like they knew he was a baby, he was going to head one of the families or something. Stupid, right? Why would you name a kid Don? It’s stupid, like naming a kid Barron. First, let me say, that Johnny Kasici, head of the Kasici family in Ohio, was not amused that Trumpano was muscling in on his territory and refused to go. Anyway, it was supposed to be peaceful, no guns allowed in the meeting. As we went in, there was a sign next to a table piled with Italian pastries. It said, “Leave the gun, take a Cannoli”.

On Monday, Don Trumpano comes out and promises a big night of speakers to present his plan to take over. Instead, we get some punk ass guy called “Chachi”. He sounds like the kid who walks my Uncle Dominick’s German Shepard, Reince. Anyway, this Chachi punk starts with the “C” word and right away my wife has to leave upset. Women don’t care for that kind of language, you know. Then the Don’s wife, Melania Trumpano, starts talking and it’s like deja vu all over again. I realize that I heard this speech at another meeting a few years ago run by the Obama Family. This Trumpano woman ripped it off! She seemed like a nice lady, though, and had nice pair of  getaway sticks. Then, everyone starts to walk out and they bring on Joni “The Blade” Ernst. Now I thought Joni loved Chachi, but right away she starts threatening to cut everybody’s balls off. Then, she’s talking about putting bread bags on our feet. I don’t know what she’s taking about, but the only time we use bread bags is to put over some creeps head just before we dump his body in the river. Bad night.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. They brought in a guy named Chris “The Traffic Cone” Christie from New Jersey operation. He seemed like a tough guy, asking everybody if they were guilty or not guilty. Every made guy knows you say “not guilty” in front of the judge. Unless, of course you are paid off to take the rap for somebody, like that McIver woman who ended up taking the rap for Mrs. Trumpano’s speech on Monday.  The night ended when the Trumpano family doctor came in to talk about some Saul Alinsky who I think he said came from Hell’s Kitchen, but I fell asleep.

Wednesday started out kind of boring. The Don introduced his under boss, Mike “Whitie” Penceangelo, then he kissed him which means the next time we see him he will be floating in the middle of Lake Tahoe like Fredo Corleone.  Then there was real excitement, when some Cruz guy from the Texas syndicate came in and tried to assassinate Don Trumpano. Trumpano’s consigliere, Pauly Manaforte, had to drag him and his wife screaming to the back ally where Joni “The Blade” tried to put a bread bag over his head. He got away, I think.

It all ended Thursday when we finally found out why Don Trumpano called the meeting. His daughter warmed up the meeting for him. She seemed like a nice girl, but my wife didn’t think it was nice the way the Don put his hand’s on his daughter’s ass, though. As it turns out, this was one big protection shakedown. He told everyone what a shame it would be if some thugs or terrorists killed our families and our nice country burned down. But there was nothing to worry about because he would make sure no wise guys would come into our place. All we had to do is give him complete control of the operation. Everyone seemed to buy it, and started putting on stupid hats and dancing.

That wraps it up here. This was one of the worst meetings I ever went to, and a lot of the other families are really worried. It looks like this guy Trumpano is real dangerous and we will have to go to the mattress, which some women who knew Trumpano said he liked to do a lot. That’s it from the safe house, and remember, keep your friends close, and take a Cannoli”

 

393

On Episode 393 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the circus is in town and Cleveland is being penetrated like the “P” in the Trump/Pence logo. Don’t let the big tent fool you, there are no Muslims here. No sir, this is a real American tent holding real American people eager to return to a real America where white women stay home and bake cookies while their white husbands freely grope their secretaries then ride home on all the front seats of the bus. Yes folks, under this tent Americans are free to tell ethnic jokes, make fun of people in wheel chairs, and pray to Jesus that gay people will choke on their wedding cake.  And don’t worry about that black guy in the crowd. He’s just Donald’s African-American. This is America’s tent where you are free to hate anyone not like you and never brush your teeth.

There are clowns, acrobats, and freaks just like the circuses of old. And there are elephants, of course. Not only are they the mascot of the GOP, but a symbol that political correctness and animal rights have no place here. No vegetarians either, just red meat eaters who enjoy their meals served on a pitch fork.

The best part of the GOP circus are the acts right out of American Horror Story. Here are a few you will get to see for the admission price of five-hundred thousand dollars:

  • Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will walk a tightrope suspended high in the air over the jagged ruins of his career and the jaws of Donald Trump. No safety net for this daredevil, he just does not believe in them.
  • House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy, a master magician, will perform his famous disappearing act just as he did right before the election for Speaker of the House. Watch as he picks up the microphone and tells the truth about the Benghazi committee and vanishes into thin air like evidence in a Clinton investigation.
  • Sen. Tom “Cotton Mouth” Cotton and his snake act. Cotton will hiss and crackle as he plays with his fellow congressional serpents. In the finale, he leads them over to an effigy of President Obama and they bite him until he drops the Iran Nuclear Deal from his hands.
  • Rudy Giuliani and his famous balloon act. With an uncanny ability to produce incredible amounts of hot air, he will blow up giant balloons, twist them to form the numbers 9/11, and tell how he saved New York. One word of caution. If you are seated in the first five rows, wear rain gear as he has a tendency to spit through his teeth.
  • Gov. Mike Huckabee’s juggling act. This incredible act features the Reverend Huck folding gay marriage licenses into figures of Jesus while keeping thirty gay pizzas spinning in the air. His act ends with everything crashing down, just like his presidential campaign.
  • Sen. Joni Ernst and her famous pig act. “Ball Buster” Joni as she is billed will cut the testicles off ten hogs while sewing bread bags into size ten shoes. As a treat for her audience, she ends the act by serving biscuits to everyone.
  • Gov. Scott Walker and the Koch brothers. This is simply a puppet act.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz, one of our two freak shows, features Ted covered in a full body paisley tattoo pleasuring himself to a Dr. Seuss story. Sorry, but this one is for adults only.
  • Sen. Mitch McConnell, the second freak, is the incredible turtle man. Half man and half turtle, this act really doesn’t do anything. He mainly just stays in his shell, occasionally sticking out his head when he hears President Obama talking.

So enjoy the circus, Cleveland, and remember to get your tickets early. They are selling out faster than  a GOP senator. Remember, prohibited items include air rifles, paint ball guns, blasting caps, switch blades. knives with a blade longer than two and a half inches, billy clubs, swords, hatchets, axes, sling shots, BB or pellet guns, metal knuckles, nun chucks, mace, pepper spray, shovels, fireworks, rockets, sound application equipment, drones, aerosol cans, umbrellas with metal tips, water guns, water cannons, rope, chains, cables, wire longer than six feet, glass bottles, ornaments, light bulbs, padlocks, gas masks, tents, sleeping bags, mattresses, stoves, coolers, ice chests, lasers, non-plastic containers, bottles, cans, hammers, crowbars. canned goods, and finally tennis balls. But fell free to bring your assault rifle, because Ohio is proudly an open carry state.

***NO ANIMALS WERE HURT IN WRITING THIS BLOG***

 MPAA_NC-17

 

 

 

 

3921

For the past few weeks, the Clown Car was down for emergency repairs.  In preparation for Episode 392 of The Tim Corrimal Show we inspected the breaks, the lights, the tires, and downloaded the diagnostics to our computer to see what kind of driving the GOP has been inflicting on the vehicle.  The Clown Car, as you know, is a very special vehicle, designed for very erratic drivers.  They pretty much aim the car in random directions and drive it into things.  Let’s see what the Clown Car computer diagnostics told us about what has been happening while we were away.

Apparently the Clown Car was driven down a dead end road called Benghazi Street.  Ever since the attacks on the embassy there, the GOP repeatedly drove up and down looking in every trash can and dumpster for garbage they could use to smear all over Hilary Clinton’s house.  All they managed to do was to shred the tires when they backed into a corner and tried to get out by relentlessly spinning their wheels. When they finally got free, they decided to leave Benghazi Street but on the way out passed Hilary’s house one more time. That’s when they got the idea of setting a bag of shit on fire and putting in her mailbox.

The mailbox idea must have backfired, because the diagnostics show that the GOP drivers made a 911 call with the on-board Bluetooth.  They notified the  Department of Justice and claimed that Hilary set the fire herself.  She was a secret agent, they claimed, trying to burn the evidence of her treachery that was in her mail. The FBI showed up, and after they spoke with Mrs. Clinton, tried to leave only to find the driveway blocked by the Clown Car. The occupants demanded to know what she said.  When the FBI told them there was no evidence to support their claim, they repeatedly rammed the FBI vehicle. The result was a large dent in the Clown Car’s doors, as the FBI vehicle smashed into it as it left the scene.  They continued to threaten the FBI and Hilary with more burning shit bags, but all they really did was  wreck the car.

When we were cleaning the interior, we found evidence of what must have been an enormous struggle. It looked like the occupants of the Clown Car tried repeatedly to eject someone from the vehicle while it was moving. The scary thing is that it appears they were trying to eject the driver. The on-board dash-cam was kind of grainy, but it appears that the driver was a blonde-haired, orange-skinned man who, at some point, hijacked the Clown Car. He must have been very sick because he seemed to vomit all over them and the car’s interior. The struggle must have ended near the Quicken Arena in Cleveland where we found the car abandoned. Witnesses say they say they saw the occupants fleeing the scene while the orange driver laughed at them and then took hostages into the arena.

The weirdest thing we found was a trunk full of lawn signs in the shape of the Star of David.  I don’t know what they were going to do with them, but there was a note with them that read “Say it’s a sheriff’s badge”.

The good news is that it is now completely restored and ready for the GOP convention, except for the alignment, which for some odd reason keeps pulling the car to the right. We did consider installing an auto-pilot system to avoid future injury to the occupants, but we thought it would be more fun to just let the ludicrous tangerine ballbag drive it wherever he want. Who knows, he may run into a really big wall!

391

This week on Episode 391 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it was an exciting week for all of us political nerds.  It was the week that the primary season came to an end (sorry D.C. but we love you anyway). It was also a week in which the GOP went into a bi-polar dysphoria when they simultaneously embraced and denounced the racist at the top of their ticket, Donald Trump after making disgusting comments about a distinguished federal judge and his Mexican heritage.   It was also a week for YUUUUGE endorsements from major political players like Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Elizabeth Warren.  But the biggest endorsement, the one that flushes all others down the drain, the one that plumbs the depths of the political world came from the drain snake himself,  Joe the Plumber.  His pick went to the human hair clog, Donald Trump.

Joe burst on the scene like a leaking sewer pipe when he confronted candidate Obama about his plan to increase taxes on people earning more than 250K.  Well, this would hurt Joe’s plumbing business severely and he let the candidate know it!  Taxing, he said, was a slippery slope, just like a backed up sewer line.  Oh, and he hated the bailout and trade unions.

Well, John McCain and Sarah Palin thought he represented the typical republican voter, a mindless troll with crap flowing out of his mouth. So they put him on the campaign trail. Unfortunately like everything republican,  Joe wasn’t quite what he said he was.  First, his name wasn’t Joe, but Sam.  Oh, and he didn’t have a plumbing business, he just worked for one.  And he didn’t have a license to be a plumber, so according to Ohio regulations, he wasn’t even a plumber.  Oh, and Sam never made 250K so the tax increase would never affect him.  So, it turned out, Sam or Joe was a fraud, just like McCain’s running mate.

So this week, Sam, or Joe,  plunged into the political arena once again to make the most valuable endorsement of the political season.  He said he had been thinking about it for quite some time, and found the answer at the bottom of a septic tank. It was Donald Trump.

Joe broke down his reasons for the endorsement like bacteria breaking down solid waste. He thinks Donald will bring sanity and clarity to the country,  just like Liquid Plumber brings clarity to your drain.  Then, says Joe, Trump will make America great again, like a  shining toilet upon a hill of Porta Potties. And, Joe warns, don’t listen to the pundits that say he will never beat Hillary Clinton.  He reminded us that Donald went through a pack of GOP contenders like Draino through a grease trap.  So put your toilet seat down and vote  for Donald Trump because he rose to the top of the heap like a floating turd in a swimming pool.  And speaking of swimming pools, Joe likes that Trump has no filters.  He just says what’s on his mind, which is what is most likely blocking your toilet right now!

Oh, and if you are wondering what the anti-union, anti-bailout plumber activist is doing now? He is a proud employee of the bailed out Chrysler Corporation making Jeeps as a proud member of the UAW union! I guess what they say about dogs is true of plumbers: They never smell their own crap!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

390

This week Judge Gonzalo Curiel who is overseeing the lawsuits filed against the Trump University scam released document relative to the case. Included were depositions from former employees of Trump’s who painted a picture of the operation that was uglier than Trump in tights.  But here on Episode 390 of Tim Corrimal Show, our reporters at the  have obtained copies of the actual itinerary from one of the actual sessions:

7:00 – 8:00 AM  Registration ($1500, plus processing and special fees)

Attendees will register at the tables marked “This Is Where You Register”.  If you are uneducated, and we love the uneducated, someone will be available to assist you in finding the table. A nominal five hundred dollar assistance fee will apply. Also, if you are uneducated, don’t attempt to read the registration forms or contracts yourself. A member of our staff will show you where to sign.  Please have a cash or a valid credit card available with a minimum limit of thirty-five thousand dollar.  Sorry, we can no longer accept checks due to the large volume of “stop payments” received after past seminars.

8:00 – 8:45 AM  Breakfast

Breakfast will be served in the main cafeteria. Please be advised that there is a four hundred dollar cover for seating in the cafeteria.  If you are a Muslim, a reporter, or a Mexican judge who is biased against Mr. Trump, please indicate that on your registration form so meals can be specially prepared.  We are not responsible for deaths due to food borne illness.

8:45 –  10:00 AM  Break

There will be a one hour and fifteen minute break so our staff can count your money and verify that your credit cards have cleared. Attendees are encouraged to use this time to call their relatives and friends to borrow money for a possible upgrade to our more exclusive packages.  If you wish, you can provide us with a list of these people and we can call them for you during the break and tell them you have been kidnapped.

10:00 AM – 12:00 PM Seminar 1: The Futility of Suing

One of Mr. Trump’s hand picked lecturers, Joey “The Stump” Bagarella,  will give you the best legal advise about why suing Donald Trump or accusing him of running a scam could get you or a loved one hurt.  You may as well kill yourself if you’re thinking about it, because Mr. Trump will come after you with a counter suit and very nasty Tweets about you and he has millions of followers. And remember, your address and phone number are on your registration forms and you have agreed that we can publish them and the names of your wife and children with the caption “Enemies of Trump”.

12:00 PM – 1:00 PM  Lunch

There will be a one hour lunch break however no lunch will be served on site. Of course you are welcome to bring a bag lunch, however Mexican and Chinese food are prohibited. We will never beat the Mexicans or Chinese if we keep eating their food.  You may leave the building for lunch but an exit deposit of five hundred dollars will be required. You will be provided with ankle bracelets to insure that you do not visit the office of the Attorney General during this time.  Upon your return, assuming you did not contact the Better Business Bureau or the AG, your deposit will be returned less four hundred and fifty dollars for the rental of the ankle bracelet.  Evidence of tampering with the bracelet will result in forfeiture of the remaining fifty dollars.

1:00 PM – 3:00 PM Seminar 2: Hair Care and Tanning

World famous tanning expert and former Speaker of the House John Boehner will present the first half of this session focused on good tanning skills.  This is very important in the real estate business since people want to make tremendous deals with orange moguls. Trust us. The Second half of the session will be taken over by Ann Coulter who will review the various ways to use hair to cover up bald spots and large Adams apples.

3:00 PM – 4:00 PM Seminar 3: Meet Donald Trump

You will practice meeting the real Donald Trump with a life size cardboard cutout of the billionaire.  At this time you will be afforded the opportunity to take pictures with the cardboard cutout which will be available for purchase after the presentation for $300 per print, suitable for framing.  Also, you will be given the opportunity to sign up for the next level of the Trump University curriculum for a discounted fifteen thousand dollars.

4:00 PM – 5:00 PM Evaluations and Debriefing

The final hour will be dedicated to filling out the 100 page Satisfaction Questionnaire praising Trump University’s courses and signing a legal deposition  swearing you loved the course and that it was everything you paid for.  If you have difficulty with this form, our friendly assistant Luca Brasi will keep you focused on completing the forms. After the debriefing you will be shown video of your family taken moments earlier to prove they have not been harmed. Yet.

Attempts to reach Donald Trump for comment on the validity of this agenda were unsuccessful, however in a statement issued shortly after our investigation, Trump spokesman John Miller had this to say: “Trump University has been a huge success believe me.  If that Mexican judge didn’t have it in for Mr. Trump, the best lawyers tell him this lawsuit would be thrown out, of at the very least, thrown over that big, beautiful wall he is building. And if you don’t believe me, I mean HIM,  just ask his African-American!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This week the presumptive nominee of the Republican party and part time carrot issued a list of potential appointments he would make to the Supreme Court.  The names on the list made Antonin Scalia look like Mother Teresa. The list was full of right wing lunatics and fringe judges who would have no trouble waterboarding suspects to force them to confess to being Mexican Muslim transgender abortion doctors performing gay weddings in the wrong bathroom. But this list was only the beginning and the investigative reporters at the Tim Corrimal Show have obtained a more onerous list of appointments Mr. Trump intends to make with his personal comments attached. Here are just a few:

Vice President: Meat Loaf

“The VP is supposed to attack my enemies and give supporters red meat. This guy is gonna be beautiful because his name has ‘meat’ IN IT!  And he has a hit song about getting laid in a car!” I did that lots of times, believe me. Just look at my hands!”

Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE): Vladimir Putin

“A terrific leader and he has his own horse and gun. I saw him without a shirt and he’s got way better pecs than Obama. He will be in charge of building the wall on the Mexican border and we all know how terrific Russians are building walls! I could just hear those sad Mexicans yelling “Mr. Putin, tear down that wall! Ha, ha, ha!  Watch out Mexico or you will end up being part of Crimea!”

Department of Transportation, Safety Division: Gary Busey

“The guy is tremendous! We need to cut down on safety regulations so our economy can grow, and who better than a guy who cracked his head open to prove you can survive a crash on a motorcycle without wearing a helmet. He’s not asking anyone to do anything he wouldn’t do. Just ask him, just not in front of a microwave”

Chief of Staff: Sarah Palin

“This woman is tremendous with words.  She is an artist with words, like that elephant who just throws paint on the wall. And it doesn’t matter to her what the words mean or if they are really words at all! She is the best with words. And she’s not politically correct with words and he will say any words in any order,  and without verbs. Really, anyone will be making a mistake if they misunderestimated her because she is great in a squirmish!”

 White House Press Secretary: Kim Jong-un

“The guy is beautiful, just like a Korean Donald Trump! He got rich and powerful at a young age, and then he killed his own family to avoid a hostile takeover. We could be brothers! Who better to watch for bad journalists and make them go away.  Between him and Putin,  the next White House Correspondent’s Diner might be held in a gulag!”

Secretary of War on Christmas: Bill O’Reilly

“This guy is tremendous and he knows zones. War zones, no spin zones, you name it, he’s zoned!.  He fought at the Falkland Islands and I hear he got shot several times in the head.  You’d never know it, though. Then he bandaged up his own wounds and walked 4,581 miles to a Holiday Inn in Mexico  City to file his report. On the way he saved some Catholic nuns from being killed and made them breakfast. He’s no liar and a real American hero because he told me many times. Under his leadership we will plant the new American flag with a nativity scene instead of stars and the Ten Commandments for stripes in every country we invade to take their oil.

Personal Secretary: Megyn Kelly

“Since this girl had her lobotomy she has been tremendous. Did you see that wonderful interview I wrote for her the other night? She read all the lines like she was told and really has no problem with me calling her a bimbo. Actually, she really likes it and laughs when I say ‘Hey, bimbo, get me a cup of coffee!’. She stares into space a lot now, but she’s a sweet girl and a tremendous typist”

Special Prosecutor: Alex Jones

“This guy knows things no one else in the media knows.  He’s tremendous and he will be in charge of the biggest investigation in American history.  People have actually told me that. They come up to me and ask ‘Mr. Trump, how can you let that transgender Michele Obama get away with murdering Joan Rivers?’ Well here’s my answer. She’s going to jail, folks! Alex Jones will have unlimited authority to find the evidence and put Mrs., Ms., or Mr. Obama or whoever she is behind bars!”

White House Mascot: Ronald Reagan’s Corpse

“Hey, honestly, I’m a huge conservative.  I’m a Reagan conservative and he inspired me tremendously with the great stuff he did.  And speaking of stuff, that’s what I had them do to his body so it can sit here and inspire me every time I have to make a decision or have to push one of those buttons in that brief case which I find very interesting and may push some day just to see what happens. Ronnie is right here looking as new as a box of Twenty Mule Teem Borax! And I gotta say, next to me, he had the best hair for a president”

This is just the beginning. As the GOP congeals around Trump like a blood clot the Donald will no doubt get bolder, issuing new lists of appointees to his make-believe Trump White House.  We will have continuous updates on this series of reports we call “The Swindler’s List”.