Like an outbreak of shingles, Matt Gaetz just refuses to go away quietly. He’s a painful rash that keeps you up at night itching and burning. This week, new reporting from CNN detailed the parties that the congressman attended that included cocaine, ecstasy, and worst of all, sex with Matt Gaetz. The parties would often occur after an official Republican event with the attendees still wearing their formal wear. Yes, these parties had everything except Russian hookers pissing on Matt’s cummerbund (sorry Donald). According to the report, “the first thing some of the women were asked to do when they got to the house was to put away their cellphones.” After all, even for money, who wants to be recorded having sex with Matt Gaetz? But previously undiscovered recordings from these parties were leaked exclusively to the Clown Car Update. Thankfully they were not video recordings so no one on our staff was injured in reporting this event. What the recording does reveal is the pick-up lines Matt Gaetz used when trolling the women at these mini-orgies. According to the women, he loved to talk about politics! So here is a sample from the recordings:

I always get the swinger vote.

You know what they say, big forehead, big…

You’re quite a pretty little filly. would you like to see my filly-buster?

My seat in Congress expires in two years but your seat won’t quit!

I surveyed the room and you won my “pole!”

I pass bills in Congress. Can I pass you an STD?

I’m open to anything, babes. I’m bicameral!

No, that’s not my pocket Constitution. I’m just glad to see you!

Believe me, I’m no lame duck!

No need for birth control with me, baby. I have a great exit “pole.”

I’d love to tickle your cloture.

I’d love to stuff your ballot box!

Just wait until you see my discharge petition!

Come over to my place and I’ll show you my Majority Whip!

So are you into backbenchers?

This is just a sample of the hundreds of lines that were on the recording. Some of them are not work-friendly. But the one pickup line we would love to hear is someone saying, “you have the right to remain silent!”

GaetzGate! It’s in the news and in your nose because like Matt Gaetz himself, it stinks. For those who may have not been paying attention, Matt Gaetz, the congressman voted People Magazine’s most slap-able face on the planet, has been accused of sex trafficking. And yes of course, he is a Republican, the party of family values. Or should we say, the family of partying values? In any event, Matt has been exploring new employment ideas one of which is an advice column. Now here at the Clown Car Update we believe in due process even in the case of rat-fuckers like old Matty boy. So to give the guy a chance, here are some samples of his “Advice for Dating” column now running on your local 4Chan network:

Dear Matt,
Recently I was elected to Congress from Georgia’s 14th Congressional District. Before that, I was a gym rat who would have sex with anything that walked, crawled, or slithered into the gym. Now that I’m in Congress, no one seems to want to have sex with me. Even Kevin McCarthy made me take a shower just to shake his hand at my swearing-in. I’m getting desperate enough that I have thought of gunning someone down with my AR-15 just to jump his dead bones! HELP!
Majorie Taylor Blue in DC

Dear Blue in DC,
I, too, have had trouble getting dates in DC since my election. It’s all the fault of Antifa and the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s called “cancel culture” and these radicals are trying to cancel our sex lives. The good news is that, for a price, I have a guy in Florida who can arrange for a hook-up. Send me your information about your age preference and I will see what he can do. Allow four to six weeks for a response as he is in federal prison awaiting trial.

Matty

Dear Matt,
I really need your help. Recently I was filmed in a hotel room lying on a bed fixing my junk. It was a frame-up since I was really looking for the hair dye I accidentally dropped down my pants. Also, my lower plate is loose from all the screaming I did about Dominion voting machines. Should I sue?
Leaking in Philadelphia

Dear Leaking,
Maybe you should check your inbox or a newspaper before suing Dominion. Also, I have to check my junk every day for FBI bugs, so I know the feeling.
Matty

Dear Matt,
I am a white, white, male approaching 60. My wife insists on nothing but the missionary position. Plus, she insists I call her “mother!” And forget oral sex, the closest we ever come is when she gargles before bed. I heard you have some contacts in the local high schools. Can you fix me up?
No BJ’s in Indiana

Dear No BJ’s,
Hey, have you ever heard of Marjorie Taylor Green?

Dear Matt,
It seems the more I try, the more everyone hates me. My wife hates me because I let the president call her ugly. My father hates me because I let the president call him an assassin. My kids hate me because I blamed them for leaving Texas during the power outage. How can I get people to like me?
Despised in Cancun

Dear Despised,
Truth is, even I hate you! The best advice I can give you is to go to the nearest Metro station and lay on the tracks.
Matt
y

Dear Matt,
I’m seventeen years old and would like to go to the Bahamas this weekend. Where can I find a date?
Waiting in Homeroom

Dear Homeroom,
First, I told you never to use this column to contact me. Give me a minute to get plane tickets and I’ll meet you at the
airport. Do you still take Apple Pay?
Matty

Unfortunately, right after that last letter Mr. Gaetz was taken into custody. at Reagan International Airport. But not to worry, Matt expects to be back writing his column as soon as he raises bail with a fundraiser. Because as Matt’s girlfriends say, “with a face like his, you need all the money you can get!”

Admit it! We all miss him. The misogyny, the crudeness, the crass hubris, and the constant lying filled our days with absolute fear of waking up every morning during the Trump Regime. And that’s to say nothing of his fun filled adventures under the streaming glory of Russian hookers. Yea, you miss them too! Well we all got really good news this week when Donald J. Trump blessed the world with a brand new website dedicated to memorializing his four years in office. It’s called 45office.com and no, it is not a new Microsoft program. It is chuck full of our favorite moments in Trump history like kissing Kim jong-un’s ass on both cheeks across the thirty-eighth parallel. And who can forget the tree peelers of the famous Melania “Be Best” campaign!

But if as if walking down the memory lane of Trump’s imaginary accomplishments was not enough, the website has a special section where us common folk can schedule Trump or the Trump couple to attend our next big event. Imagine having Mr. 45 giving a toast at your wedding! Or better yet. being the guest Mohel at your next Bris! OUCH! Well, if that’s not in your budget, 45office.com offers a less expensive way to say “Hey, I’m an asshole and want to drive home the point with a message from another asshole!” Yes, for a small fee, the 45th president of the United States will record a message for any occasion you have scheduled. There are eleven categories ranging from birthdays to Eagle Scout Award. Here are some of the greetings you can have for your very own:

How about a birthday greeting for that veteran…

Happy birthday to Army Sergeant Major McCormick! Glad to hear a sucker like you made it to your 40th birthday. So in addition to being a loser, now you’re old. Enjoy your day!

Or how about that new arrival…

Congratulations on your new baby! I hope you’re not undocumented or we’ll just have to take that little bundle and keep him in detention.

Or a condolence message for the loss of a loved one…

Sorry to hear of the passing of your grandmother. But to be honest, she was getting a little long in the tooth and really nobody has been hitting on her for a long time. From what I hear her last couple of years were a complete disaster!

Or what could beat a toast at your wedding…

Take it from me, your first marriage can really be bad, especially if you forget to get a pre-nup. And having kids with that first wife can be a real disaster. Think Don Jr and Eric. But if you can have a hot daughter like Ivanka, it can be fun. Anyway, here’s to a quick and clean divorce settlement!

Or how about that new Eagle Scout in your family…

Wow! Eagle Scout. Do they have a merit badge for grifting? How about bankruptcy or tax fraud? No? Oh well, I guess I wouldn’t have done very well in the scouts. But let me tell you about the sex parties we used to have on my friend’s yacht…

So if you’ve been missing old Trumpty-Dumpty here’s your chance to have him back in your life for a small fee and a large bucket of self-loathing. Go to 45office.com and please allow six weeks for processing your order since it takes time to settle the lawsuits from previous requests. If you’re a fan of Trump’s, 45office.com will take you back to the bad old days. For the the rest of us, in the words of President Joe Biden, “Just shut up, man!”

If you are a Republican, the election of 2020 has been a real downer. That orange block of rotting Egg McMuffin stuffed into a suit lost the presidential race bigly! And with a fake pandemic, storming the Capitol, and all those QAnon clues to figure out, you just need a break. Well relief is on the way with the new video game from Hasbeen Toys, Stop-the-Vote. Here how it is played:

  • Level One: You are the Republican warriors who have to protect the sacred Ballot Box at the top of the hill. Your opponents, voters, mostly Democrats of color, charge up the hill. As they advance, the object of the game is to stop the Democrats from reaching the voting booth where the Ballot Box is hidden. Your first weapon is a voter ID cannon that knocks the Democrats off the voting hill thus disqualifying them. For every Democrat you prevent from getting to the Ballot Box you are awarded one Trump endorsement. When you collect ten Trump endorsements you advance to Level Two.
  • Level Two: A more powerful opponent, Stacy Abrams, is now threatening to charge up the hill with a larger mob of newly registered voters. You will need more than the Voter ID Cannon and Trump Steak Catapult to stop her. At Level Two you can add an ally to help, so you add Postmaster Louis DeJoy to your team. As the new voters try to mail their ballots to the Ballot Box at the top of the hill, you use DeJoy to blow up as many mail boxes as you can. For every mail box destroyed, you get one Golden Trump Statue. Once you collect 100 Trump Statues, you proceed to Level Three.
  • Level Three: This is the top level and it’s Armageddon! Your enemies are more powerful than ever as they are armed with a Democratic doomsday machine called the HR1! Armed with the HR1, Democrats can expand the number of voters to overwhelm Republican defenses. In addition, the HR1 prevents your Republican friends from drawing squiggly lines all over the state to insure no one but you can win there. So at Level Three your defenses add the Bullshit Armada. Made up of all the Republicans of the House and Senate, the Bullshit Armada will shoot bullshit all over the place to prevent the use of the HR1. The Armada is headed by Admiral McConnell nicknamed “Dr. No Chin!” He can spray bullshit all over the place and if that doesn’t work, he will launch the Filibuster torpedo! But wait! The Democrats surprise McConnell with the Filibuster Buster Anti-Filibuster Torpedo and after a huge explosion, millions of voters armed with the HR1 reach the Ballot Box while the Republican forces are showered in their own bullshit! GAME OVER!

    The moral of this game is this: If the Republicans think they can win by preventing people from voting, eventually most voters will realize they are just a stinking bullshit party!



The Mitch in the Ditch by NOT Dr. Seuss

It was a sunny new day when the new prez came in
He gave us new stimulus checks to begin
He gave us vaccines, he gave us our schools
He gave us our jobs back, he gave us the tools

But the Mitch in the Ditch, he did not like this at all
The Mitch in the Ditch he came straight from hell
The Mitch slid around in a filthy old ditch
The Mitch in the Ditch smelled like dead, dead, old fish!

“I will stop this new prez!” Mitch declared with a scowl
“I will scream bloody murder and howl and howl,
“I will stop all the bills, I will rumble and bluster,”
Then Mitch In the Ditch, who was an old old ball buster
Said, “I’ll stop you with this, my trusty Fill-Buster!”

The young dems in D.C. did not know what to think
They asked the new prez, “Why all the Mitch stink!”
“Why all the kick-kicking, why all the flus-fluster?”
“And what is this odd thing he calls a ‘Fill-Buster!?”

The new prez told them, “He’s just cranky and old!”
“He’s been let go from his job and left out in the cold!”
“And his wife lost her job, too. So she’s so sad and so blue,”
“‘Cause she spends much more time in the ditch with Mitch too!”

But the prez had a plan to get his bills passed,
And give Mitch in the Ditch a kick in the ass!
“We’ll just play along with his game for a while,”
“We’ll just play along,” prez said with a smile.

“Then when Mitch and his crew think they blocked all the bills,
When the Mitch in the Ditch thinks he’s king of the Hill,”
“We’ll sneak into his office and go to his desk,
“We’ll unlock the drawers of this Ditchy ditch pest,”
“And we’ll take back control, and steal back his luster,”
“Why, we’ll leave his dark office with his stupid Fill-Buster!”

The prez looked at the young Dems with a little sly smile.
They liked what they saw, they liked his sly style!
“Then what will you do with it?”, they all asked on the edge of their seats!
“Why we’ll take that Fill-Buster and make it ground meat!”

“We’ll drag it around on that big Senate floor,
“Then we’ll sweep up the bits and ‘swoosh’ out the door!”
“Well what,” the Dems wondered, “would Mitch in the Ditch do?”
“Oh he’ll trumpet and kick, he’ll jump up and pout,’
“He’ll take to the floor of the Senate and shout'”
“He’ll shout, shout, shout, shout “till he’s all shouted out,”

“He’ll threaten the villages, he’ll threaten the towns,”
“He’ll threaten to burn the whole Senate down!”
“Mitch in the Ditch will scream ‘phooey” and ‘heck'”
“He’ll threaten my dogs and a one-hundred car wreck!”

“But in the end, he’ll do what all Trumpets do,”
“Just slink back into his ditch with his whole motley crew!”
The Dems, all excited, asked prez, “Then what’s next?”
“We’ll pass bills for voting, we’ll pass bills for bridges,”
“We’ll pass bills for people to make living wages!”

“We’ll pass bills for Dreamers who want to stay,”
“We’ll pass bills that make life much better that way!”
And the Mitch in the Ditch, what happened to him is no mystery,
He forever will slink in the slime ditch of history!

It was an ugly week in journalism as the media relentlessly attacked one of the most loyal and trustworthy members of the new administration. We speak of course of Major Biden. Let’s not beat around the bush but rather lift our legs and piss right on it. The allegations leveled at Major were the ugliest example of speciesism ever experienced in the history of the presidency. What is speciesism? Well the dictionary defines it as “the assumption of human superiority leading to the exploitation of animals.” Human superiority? Huh! That’s a joke. Just who is scooping up whose shit? But we digress. This week, accused without any evidence, Major Biden was exiled to Delaware for alleged aggressive behavior at the White House. This is pure and simple species paw-secution! So as a paw-blic service, and to set the record straight we have agreed to issue the following statement from Major Biden:

This week, it was reported that I, Major Biden, displayed “aggressive” behavior in the White House. Further, it was alleged that there was a biting incident involving me and a member of the security staff. This is fake news. Ever since I arrived at the White House, me and my brother Champ have been the subject of biting criticism. This latest hoax is just an example of how desperate the Republican party has become to smear the pup-putations of President Biden’s closest allies. Let me set the record straight. I am a dog. Someone forgot to send me the memo that when I move into the White House there would be guys in suits with guns around Joe. And it would have been nice if the guy had his security badge where I could chew it! Enough said. And about the aggression, there was this guy was constantly knocking over my feeding bowl. Hell, the last guy who lived here would bite somebody if his McDonald’s order was late! Gimme a break!

And about the “disheveled” comments thrown at my brother Champ. Well, a note to Newsmax: Have you taken a look at the orange guy you call your leader? His hair looks like a sick badger crawled up the ass of a dead skunk then threw up a dead mouse. And that was on a good day! My brother Champ has been through a lot and is very old. To quote Maria Barkaromo, give him a break! And by the way, the latest ABC-ASPCA Poll says that Champ has a 90% approval rating which is 89% higher than Mitch McConnell. And Champ definitely smells a lot better.

Look, Major and Champ never put children in cages. We never grabbed pussycats. We never colluded with Russians. We never obstructed justice, even when we were hauled from the White House in crates. And we never were part of one single super-spreader event. So throw us a bone here, OK? If there is any fairness, both Champ and I will be allowed back into our rightful position for which we were In-dog-urated on January 20th. This miscarriage of justice must be overturned so we can return to the Rose Garden and dig up the stuff we buried there. I would like to thank our fans for all the cards, letters, and Milkbones we have received. And a special thanks to Sarah McLachlan and Eric McCormick for your continued sad commercials. We hope to see you back at the White House soon. I have to go now and take this call from Oprah!

It’s been a long year of quarantine, masks, social distancing, and Zoom calls. And the second most prevalent condition next to COVID-19 is becoming Cabin Fever. We all know the symptoms. That look in your dog’s eye like he wants to eat you. The fear that the couch is starting to suck you into another dimension. The way your spouse holds that kitchen knife with that look in their eye. And yes, we are all getting tired of sourdough bread and Netflix. But help is on the way because TEXAS IS OPEN!

That’s right, Governor Abbott and the Texas Travel Bureau want you to know that Texas is 100% open for business and there no restrictions on the fun you can have in the Lone Star State! Come to Texas where hospitality and Coronavirus abounds. That right, we are full of it, just like our governor. Our bars are full, our restaurants are packed, and our masks are off! You can cough, sneeze, and spittle to your heart’s content while enjoying a mask-free experience free of regulation and safe drinking water.

Come to completely unregulated Texas where anything goes, including the power grid. But don’t let negativity hold you back from the vacation of a lifetime, or maybe your final vacation. Here in Texas, we honor the spirit of the Alamo every day where every single man died. And as our former governor Rick Perry says, Texans rather die than be without indoor dining or have government-regulated running water. Texas may not have a dependable power grid or the greatest indoor plumbing, but one thing is for sure, we will always be first in hospitality and the newest wave of Coronavirus. Texas is 268,820 square miles of chock -full of COVID protein spikes. It’s bigger than England. It’s bigger than Germany. It’s bigger than France. And it’s killed more people with the virus than all those countries combined!

So come to Texas where we went from the Lone Star to the Death Star! As our friend Tom Bodett says, “We’ll leave the light on for ya (unless the power grid fails and then you’ll need a flashlight and maybe your own bottled water).”

Disclaimer: Texas is not responsible for deaths due to contracting COVID-19, hypothermia, or dehydration. While traveling in Texas you may be asked to report any companions who may have died during the trip. You should not come to Texas if you require constant access to electricity, water, ICUs, or a government that gives a fuck. Do not enter Texas if you are pregnant or may become pregnant because our hospitals are full. Texas isn’t for everyone, especially those who like heat in cold weather. If you cannot afford a trip to Texas, sorry, we can’t help you. Piss off.

How time flies when you are dreading something and there is nothing more dreadful than the annual QPAC gathering. It seems like only yesterday that this band of right-wing loons gathered somewhere else other than at Marjorie Taylor Green’s office. But here we are, ready for the 2021 Matt Schlapp-in-the-face. Now, for those listening to this podcast who may not be familiar with QPAC it is an acronym for Qanon Pricks, Assholes, and Criminals. Yes, they are all there and ready to share with America their vision for ’21. That’s 1821. And, since it is highly unlikely that you have ever been to one of these hate-fests, here is a sample of the itinerary for this year’s event:

Nazi Salute Workshop: To be held in the “Pat Buchanan Auditorium.” Instructors Laura Ingraham and Josh Hawley demonstrate the proper way to salute the former president when he enters the building. Ms. Ingraham re-lives her famous Nazi salute from the RNC and Josh Hawley instructs how to incorporate a fist to the Nazi salute to encourage an insurrection.

Conspiracy Theory 101: To be held in Ballroom Q. Qanon Shaman Jacob Chansley presents a beginner’s course on how to develop conspiracy theories. Lesson One illustrates how the names of certain historical figures foretold the coming liberal takeover of our country and how to recognize the clues. FDR was code for For Death to Republicans, JFK was code for Jail For the Klan, and MLK was code for Most Likely a Killer. Mr. Chansley will enlighten you on how to recognize conspiracy in names and properly wear a buffalo headdress. An organic food buffet will follow.

Religious Freedom and the Gay Agenda’s Wedding Cake Tyranny: To be held in the newly renamed “Marjorie Taylor Green” room (Formerly the “Mike Pence” room). Bakers from around the country teach how to turn down gay couples seeking wedding cakes with lame excuses like “Sorry, we just ran out of flour,” or “All we have left is sourdough,” or “Our cake guy just came down with COVID.” These and other valuable excuses will help you avoid expensive litigation and confronting the fact that you are a raging homophobe.

White Supremacy Fashion Do’s and Don’ts: To be held in Ballroom 3-K. Avoid the fashion faux pas that can turn your next attempted insurrection into a Facebook fashion embarrassment. Subjects include “Can you wear camo white after Labor Day?” and “Proper Headdress Horn Care.” Also, how to get urine and feces stains out of your hood and robe. Don’t get caught in this year’s Capitol riot in carrying last year’s zip ties. And check out our new Mother and Son matching combat gear for those special Mother’s Day gift ideas.

Creating Alternate Realities: To be held off-site in Disney World’s Fantasyland. Guide Ron Johnson takes us on a ride of unbelievable 3D adventure where leftist provocateurs dressed as Trump supporters attack our Capitol as innocent white supremacists look on with horror. Tucker Carlson narrates the action. Buckle in for a ride with Antifa thugs dressed as Oathkeepers smashing Capitol Police with fake Trump flag poles while Black Lives Matter hoodlums parade Confederate flags under the Capitol dome. After the ride, Ron Johnson pretends to be Peter Pan and flies away as Gym Jordon yells “I saw NOTHING!”

So tune in this weekend for Qanon Pricks, Assholes, and Criminals. Don’t miss one minute of the action so you can stay informed with the latest misinformation and lunacy the right has to offer. Don’t be Q-less because when it comes to the 2021 right-wing lunacy, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!

As we enjoy the beauty of the new Biden Administration and the last four years fade away, something else happens. This February, as temperatures drop, so do the chances of survival of Republicans who voted to convict Trump. These poor souls are trapped without protection. The unlucky ones have about as much chance of making it to the 2022 primaries as Ted Cruz has of having a soul. These abused officeholders, abandoned even by their own families, are desperate to be loved. But for many of them, time is running out and that’s why we need your help today.

Republicans like Liz Cheney, a mixed breed of Pitbull and bats, now chained outside of the Fox News studios in the frigid cold shot in the face like one of her father’s hunting partners. Or Adam Kinzinger, turned out by his family with a note attached to is neck disowning him. Ironically, it was signed by his cousin named “Karen!”

Please, please take action to save a Republican this winter and help the American Society for Republicans In Need of Shelter by visiting http://www.joinrinos.org today or calling 1-800-imnotq right now. Just sixty-three cents a day and you can help rescue and save a censured Republican from a life of isolation and twitter attacks. Call now, or in the next ten minutes and you will receive our free membership kit which includes:

  • A subscription to RINOS Magazine with articles of outcast republicans and the Democratic families that took them in.
  • A picture of a rescued Republican whose life was saved by your generous gift. Sorry, Mutt Romney’s pix are sold out.
  • A limited-edition tee-shirt that says “Censured Republican Champion.”
  • A pair of Mormon Magic underwear.

Please, in the next few minutes we ask you to go online and donate what you can to save these lost Republicans from a winter without a caucus. We won’t stop until these Republicans are given shelter from vicious Twitter attacks and the feeling of warmth and love or in other words, become Democrats.

Are you in huge legal trouble? Are you facing impeachment again? Has your original legal team walked out on you because even lawyers can only stretch ethics so far? Then we may have the help you need. Attorneys David Weir, John Knott, and James Goode are ready to plea your case. Yes, at the Weir-Knott-Goode law firm, your case is almost over before it begins. That’s because at Weir-Knott-Goode, we have a combined three months’ experience in law stuff. Our part-time semi-professional staff will afford you the best legal representation that anyone with no other alternatives can get.

How do we do it? Simple. We have very low overhead. We share our offices with Four Seasons Total Landscaping in the same strip mall used by high-profile lawyers like Rudy Guiliani and Sydney Powell. And we have no student debt to pay off because none of our staff have ever attended a Law School in the United States. That’s right, we obtained our legal training in the most prestigious law school in all the third world, the University of Kazakhstan’s online law school. We have passed over 40% of the bar exam and are very close to winning our appeal after our law licenses were suspended. And our para-legal staff assures you of the best research we can find on Google. Yes, although we do not have a vast legal library, we do share a mostly secure WiFi network with our strip mall neighbors, Fantasy Island Adult Book Store.

And we are proud to announce that we have recently added two of the most wanted attorneys in the United States, according to FBI sources. David Schoen, Michael Van der Veen, and Bruce Castor add needed warm bodies to our already prestigious legal staff. They have a long history, but we will not go into that right now. Just rest assured that if you are impeached, they will show up on time and say stuff to the Senate. Guaranteed!

Like our other neighbors The Delaware Valley Crematorium Center say, “Don’t let your dreams go up in smoke. Let us do it for you!” Attorneys David Weir, John Knott, and James Goode along with Schoen, Vander Veen, and Castor will see your case to its brutal end. So, if you are impeached and need legal advice, just remember Weir-Knott-Goode!