427

Sources close to the White House have told the Clown Car that the president of the United States has defected to Russia. Apparently thinking around the president’s legal team is that after the appointment of a special counsel on Thursday, this was his only move left. Last night, on his first foreign tour of his presidency, Trump tweeted one word that left the world baffled.It was “Rosebud.” Moments later, our sources tell us, Trump ordered Air Force One to be prepared for an unscheduled stop in Moscow, Russia.  A few hours later, Trump’s entourage landed at Domodedovo International Airport where they were greeted by Trump’s closest friend and advisor, Vladimir Putin.

On the flight to Moscow, Trump’s new press secretary, Sean Spicelov told reporters that Trump felt underappreciated by friends and enemies alike and decided to spend the rest of his life among the only source of support he had left, the Russians. The scene on Air Force One was surreal as Spicelov, who bore a striking resemblance to Sean Spicer except for a pair of glasses with a big nose and mustache attached, told reporters the plan. Apparently, weeks ago, when the president met with Sergey Lavrov and Sergey Kislyak in the Oval Office, a note was passed from Trump to Lavrov asking to get him out of this mess. Apparently, all the laughing that was seen on the photos of the meeting was Lavrov’s reaction when Trump lamented that he should have never left those pissers in Moscow. Trump said everything trickled out of control since then. The Russians at the time assured him that if he ever needed to get away, the girls in Moscow were still there, ready to shower him with praise.

The appointment of the special counsel was the last straw, according to Spicelov, and the plan was set in motion. Trump contacted Putin’s office and, in exchange for the nuclear codes, Putin agreed to give Trump asylum. When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC News about the wisdom of giving such sensitive information to Putin, Spicelov abruptly turned the press briefing over to Sarah Sanderlosky, who, except for a blond wig and a large mole on her nose, resembled Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She dismissed Mitchell’s question, explaining that the nuclear codes were the property of the American people, not the fake news press. Asked if she Trump was concerned Putin would use the codes against the United States, she replied, “well, that would solve the problem of that special counsel then, wouldn’t it?”

When we contacted Melania Trump at Trump Tower, she dismissed the entire incident as her husband just acting out. Melania Trump told The Clown Car that her husband was engaged in “boy talk, and he was led on – like, egg on – from Lavrov to say dirty and bad stuff” in the Oval Office. “He’ll be back!” When asked how she was so sure, Melania responded, “he forgot his golf clubs!”

 

 

426

Episode 426 of The Tim Corrimal Show

Has this ever happened to you? Your boss just fired the FBI director and never gave you a heads-up? The White House press pool is yelling for you outside your door but you don’t want to come out? Your bunny suit is at the dry cleaners so there is nowhere you can hide? Well, this doesn’t have to happen anymore.  Now from the makers of Chia Donald Trump and Chia Kelly Anne Conway comes Instant Shrubbery. With Instant Shrubbery just a few sprays and you are instantly covered from head to toe in plush greenery. And you know the saying, if you can’t see the press then the press can’t see you.

So turn out all the lights and slip into obscurity so no one can see you or hear your answers. You’re not hiding in the bushes, you are just among the bushes but reporters questions go right over the plush greens. And the best thing is that they cannot hear your answers. There are no more worries about your inability to pronounce even the simplest of English words because the shrubs muffle your answers anyway! The trouble with Russian names like Lavrov and Kislyak are lasterday’s problem with Instant Shrubbery. And Instant Shrubbery comes with an adjustable nozzle so you can match the strength of the shrubs to the difficulty of the press conference. Set it on light for questions from Newsmax or InfoWars, turn it up to Fox News medium, or pump the strength all the way up to Glenn Trush emergency or CNN heavy duty. Whatever the job, Instant Shrubbery has the right setting for the right questions.

With Instant Shrubbery you get the peace of mind of knowing that whatever you tell them you can deny tomorrow and blame it on the muffled sound caused by the rustling leaves. In fact, you can claim it wasn’t even you giving the answers because you were hidden by so much brush that they can’t prove you were even there. Think of all the trips to that empty parking garage Deep Throat had to make to uncover Watergate. If he had Instant Shrubbery, he could have tipped off Woodward and Burnstein in the comfort of his own backyard.

Order now and we will send you a can of Instant Shrubbery with the handy adjustable spray nozzle for the unbelievable price or $19.95 plus shipping and money laundering fees. And if you order withing the next 30 minutes, we will include a second can of Instant Shrubbery absolutely free! Just pay extra extortion fees. And if you act now we will include a can of Instant Sarah Huckabee Sanders for the days you just don’t want to do that press briefing at all. Just spray her out to the podium and she will lie just like a republican selling a health care bill. And remember, Instant Shrubbery comes with an iron-clad satisfaction guarantee. If you are not completely satisfied just return the unused portion and we will refund your money, no questions asked. And after all, that’s the point because you really don’t want anyone asking questions.

425

On Episode 425 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it was another crazy week in the White house briefing room. This week Mick Mulvaney and Sean Spicer tried to convince us that tax breaks for billionaires are really health care, republicans care about the poor, and chain link fences are really walls.  And in watching that Alice-In-Wonderland extravaganza, I was reminded of one of my favorite Sesame Street exercises, One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other. So I thought it would be fun to play that game with ten questions from this week in Trumpland. Keep your score on the honor system and we will give you the results at the end.

Let’s play “One Of These Things Is Not Like the Other: Trump Edition”

Question #1:

  1. Viagra
  2. Cialis
  3. Levitra
  4. Paul Ryan

Three are drugs to make your dick hard. One is a big prick.

Question #2:

  1. Abraham Lincoln
  2. Franklin Roosevelt
  3. John F. Kennedy
  4. Donald Trump

Three were presidents who led America through a crisis. One is a crisis.

Question #3:

  1. Medicare
  2. Medicaid
  3. Obamacare
  4. American Health Care Act

Three are health care plans for the old, sick, and poor, one is a plan for fat old men to have a beer party in the Rose Garden.

Question #4:

  1. Bird shit
  2. Elephant shit
  3. Cow shit
  4. Donald Trump

This was a trick question. They are exactly the same thing.

Question #5

  1. Bachelor of Science
  2. Master of Science
  3. PhD
  4. First grade

Three are college earned degrees. The other is the speech level of the current president of the United States.

Question #6

  1. The Russian President
  2. The Russian Prime Minister
  3. The Russian Ambassador
  4. The President of the United States

Three are Russian officials working out of the Kremlin. One is a Russian official working out of the White House.

Question #7

  1. Brad Pitt
  2. Jennifer Lawrence
  3. Anne Hathaway
  4. Michael Flynn

Three have vanity license plates. One will soon be making license plates.

Question #8

  1. A urinal
  2. A toilet bowl
  3. The men’s room floor
  4. Donald Trump

Another trick question. All four get pissed on.

Question #9

  1. John Wilkes Booth
  2. Lee Harvey Oswald
  3. Mark David Chapman
  4. Steve Bannon

Three are assassins. One is an ass.

Question #10

  1. A snake
  2. A cat
  3. A Opossum
  4. Kelly Ann Conway

Three are hissing, one is a missing!.

So, let’s see how you did. If you kept your score at home, here are the results:

0 – 2 Comatose. You really do think a fence is a wall and that your hubcap collection is worth a fortune.

3 – 5 Barely awake. A brain scan would probably reveal cat litter.

6 – 8 Good, but still wondering how you could have missed between two and four of these. Maybe it’s just Trump fatigue.

9 – 10 Excellent. You probably voted for Hillary and are now realizing that we are all screwed!

I hope you all did well, and remember, one of these is better not be like the other: 2010, 2014. 2016. and 2018. Why? Because unlike the first three, in 2018, we take back our country!

 

 

424

This week, the White House made news when all 100 senators were invited to attend a briefing on the North Korean crisis. It was an unusual move to hold such a briefing at the White House instead of at the Capitol, where such briefings are normally held. But our reporting now reveals that there may have been a more nefarious motive behind the invitation, and the details are disturbing.

Sources close to one democratic senator have told the Clown Car Network (CCN) that fifty Democratic senators have been kidnapped by a person or persons unknown. Our source, speaking on condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the situation, claim that the buses that were supposed to take the senators to the White House for a briefing on North Korea were actually used to take them to another location, or worse.  Eyewitnesses who were at the Capitol Building for a tour said that they saw the senators boarding the bus, but they all seemed at first to be in a jovial mood.  “No one seemed to be coerced into getting on the bus”, Carly Deitrick, a tourist from Wilmington Delaware, told us. “We were all taking photos with our iPhones and they were smiling and waving,” she said.

But then, something happened that made one of the tourists suspicious. They seemed to start separating the group, putting the Republican senators on one bus, and all the Democrats on another.  Gene Harlow of Omaha, Nebraska told us, “In fact, they were quite rough with the democrats and at one point Elizabeth Warren refused to get on the bus and was tasered by Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell.  According to Mr. Harlow, McConnell was heard to say “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”

At first, both buses proceed down Pennsylvania Avenue but only the one carrying the republicans stopped at the White House. The other bus with the democratic senators kept moving and eventually got on to the D.C. beltway. FBI director James Comey said at a press conference that the bus with the markings “Last Tours” was last seen at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport. Comey said he believes that from there a plane took the democratic senators to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

On senate staffer told us that early last week the senators were told that there was to be a briefing at the White House on the North Korean crisis. Each of the senators was given top secret classified documents to review ahead of time. Since the documents were encrypted, it took some time for staff to translate them and have them printed in time for the democratic senators to review.  Unfortunately, they were not quite ready by the time the buses arrived. As the senators were separated and the democrats headed into their bus, a senate staffer ran down the steps of the Capitol screaming and waving a document. This seemed to be the point when things got rough at the democrats’ bus as they panicked when they heard the staffer screaming, “IT”S A COOKBOOK!”

 

423

Well, it’s been one-hundred days since the Orange Menace took office but it seems like one hundred years! In the last few days, he has boasted that he has accomplished more in that time than any other president before him. So, in the tradition of most news organizations, the Clown Car decided to fact-check his claim. To do this, we compared his record with the president who set the standard for the first one-hundred days of the presidency, Franklin D. Roosevelt. Then rated his claim on the Joe Wilson Scale of You Lie. Here’s what we found.

  • Between March 8 and June 16, Congress followed Roosevelt’s lead by passing an incredible fifteen separate bills and several of the programs are still around in the federal government today. Between January 20 and April 28, Trump passed so much gas that most of the odor is still around in the federal government today.
  • In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt declared a bank holiday to prevent the banking system from collapsing. In his first hundred days, Trump declared a Big Mac holiday to prevent his belly from collapsing.
  • To prevent deflation, Roosevelt ended the Gold Standard. To deflate his stomach, Trump took a dump on a gold toilet.
  • Roosevelt signed the Glass-Steagall Act, preventing investment banks from using deposits for investment. Trump declared alternate facts, preventing anyone from using facts to check his tweets.
  • In his first hundred days, Franklin Roosevelt initiated massive government spending to “prime the pump” of the economy. Trump had to have his stomach pumped to flush out the remains of a well-done steak with ketchup.
  • Roosevelt established the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation to back up deposits against loss up to twenty-five hundred dollars. Trump got backed up big time after eating a bowl of nachos with Cheese Whiz.
  • Roosevelt signed the Federal Securities Act into law, which regulated what Wall Street bankers could do with the stock market. Trump nominated Wall Street bankers to all his cabinet positions to ensure their federal security.
  • Roosevelt signed the Agriculture Adjustment Act, that helped reduce crop surpluses and increase prices for crops. Trump reduced ethics standards for the presidency to increase profits from his businesses.
  • Roosevelt started the Civilian Conservation Corps: putting  250,000 young men to work in rural conservation projects in national parks and forests. Trump started the Civilian Survivor Corps, putting everyone on notice that they may have to live in parks and forests.
  • Roosevelt started the Tennessee Valley Authority providing electrification and other basic improvements to the impoverished interior of the South. Trump signed an executive order to allow the coal industry to provide polluted water and unbreathable air to the impoverished interior of the south.
  • Roosevelt signed the National Industrial Recovery Act created new agencies and regulations that tightened the relationship between government and business. Trump initiated the Trump Foundation Recovery Act, tightening the flow of money between government and his businesses.
  • Roosevelt signed the Federal Emergency Relief Act, providing direct relief, training and work for unemployed Americans. Trump started the Trump Family Relief Project, providing direct profits, sweet deals, and branding opportunities for his unemployed family members.

So after reviewing Trump’s first hundred days to that of the Roosevelt administration, we give Trump’s claim, that he has accomplished more in his first hundred days that any other president, five Joe Wilsons!

Joe Wilsons

*Roosevelt accomplishments as reported on www.shmoop.com.

422

Faster than a speeding Tomahawk Missile. More powerful than the Mother of All Bombs. Able to leap Sean Spicer in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a man! It’s a real estate agent. No, it’s SuperJared! Yes, it’s SuperJared, strange visitor from another family who came to Trumpopolis with money and real estate holdings far beyond those of mortal men. SuperJared, who can change the course of legislation, bend his father-in-law with his bare hands. And who, disguised as Ivanka’s husband, mild-mannered heir to a great metropolitan branding mogul, fights a never-ending battle for revenge, money and the Trumpian way. And now on Episode 422 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we feature the adventures of SuperJared.

In today’s adventure, SuperJared’s arch-enemy, the hygiene-challenged madman, Lex Bannon, is scheming to take over the world. His newest plan involves the madman’s latest dastardly invention, the Shrink-O-Ray. Bannon, along with his loyal and equally greasy assistant, Typhoid Conway,  plans to use the ray to shrink the president down to the size of his own penis and put him into a condom containing an exact replica of the Oval Office. Conway is skeptical of the plan and wonders aloud if it has a chance of working. “Of course it will work,” Lex Bannon says with a sinister laugh, “just look at what it did to his hands!” Conway and Bannon start howling together with the image of little Donald stuffed in a condom.

Meanwhile, in another part of the White House, Ivanka Trump and her husband, Jared, are meeting with Russian and Chinese bankers to finance her newest idea for child care for poor working families, a chain of daycare centers run by undocumented aliens forced to wear uniforms from her line of clothing. Suddenly they hear the clanking of a large piece of equipment being rolled past the conference room. Ivanka peeks out and tells Jared that Bannon and Conway moving something that looks like a food cart toward her father’s office. Becoming suspicious, Jared excuses himself from the meeting with the excuse that “you can only rent coffee!” Everyone chuckles unaware of his real intention.

Quietly, in a stall in the executive bathroom, Jared Kushner removes his sweater vest to reveal his true identity, SuperJared! On his chest was emblazoned the letter “K”, the seal of the Family of K. SuperJared’s real name, Jar-K was from his native planet, Shiftyon. He was sent to earth just before his father, Chuck-K was sent to prison for tampering with Shiftyon’s orbit. On earth, Jar-K had super-powers due the gold found everywhere in Trumpopolis. His only vulnerability was felonite,  a radioactive material left over after his father’s trial and conviction.

Now, in his real identity of SuperJared, he streaked to the Oval Office with super-speed where Lex Bannon and Typhoid Conway were just about to turn President Trump into condom size pee-pee. Disguised as a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken, original recipe, they already had the barrel of the Shrink-O-Ray aimed right at the president’s stomach, the easiest target to hit. Just then, SuperJared crashed the door of the Oval Office causing the taxpayers of Trumpopolis four-million dollars in repair costs. “Stop!” he yelled and grabbed Conway’s hair, trying to pull her away from the weapon. But SuperJared was unable to hang on since Conway’s hair was greasy with the residue of felonite and not being washed for a month. This gave Lex Bannon just enough time to complete the firing sequence on the Shrink-O-Ray and smacked Donald right in the breadbasket! He immediately shrunk and was vacuumed into the orange condom attached to the weapon. SuperJared was too late, and the president could not be saved. Just then, Ivanka, hearing the commotion, ran into the Oval Office. She was shocked to find her father stuffed into a condom and SuperJared holding Conway and Bannon for the Secret Service to arrest them. Just then, Ivanka noticed that SuperJared has toilet paper trailing from his tights. “Why, Jared! You were SuperJared all along!” His secret identity revealed, Jared kissed Ivanka and admitted the truth.

“Well quick, SuperJared,” Ivanka said, “fly fast around the word and turn daddy back!” “No,” SuperJared said with a smile, “let’s just keep him like this for the rest of his term. After all, he has been screwing things up pretty bad the first hundred days.” “But who will run everything?” Ivanka wondered aloud. “Well, I will,” boasted SuperJared, “I will run EVERYTHING!” “But what about dad in that orange condom?” “Don’t worry, dear, to him it is like nothing ever changed. To him, he is still one big prick!”

 

421

Breaking news on Episode 421 of the Tim Corrimal Show!

President Trump today signed an executive order banning the use of certain salad dressing from being used in the country until further notice. The ban targets specific types of dressing including French, Greek, Italian, Ceasar, Thousand Island, Ranch, and Catalina. The ban is to go into effect immediately. Trump’s order states that use of these six dressings will be banned until, as the president stated, “we can find out what the hell is in them!” Further, the executive order directs the TSA, and ICE personnel to give preference to the entry of Russian dressing, which the president identified as being unjustly persecuted.

In the wake of the signing of the executive order, chaos has broken out at the nation’s restaurants and fast food chains. There was total confusion on what to do about salad dressings that have already been ordered by customers or have been stored in restaurant refrigerators. Reports have surfaced of salads and salad bars being detained in the kitchens of restaurants until the dressings on them could be thoroughly vetted. In many cases, customers have had to go straight to their appetizers or in extreme cases, right to the entree without having their salads served. Pro-salad dressing groups and salad dressing attorneys are reportedly on the scene trying to get these salad dressings admitted and sent to their destination tables.

“We are here to offer free legal advice to any salad dressing that has been illegally detained as a result of this unconstitutional ban issued by the president,” said Amy Smith of the Legal Center for Free Dressing Choice. “Whether you have ordered your dressing on your salad or on the side, this is a miscarriage of justice. People expecting to have their salads have been delayed here for hours until details of the ban are clarified,” Ms. Smith, who was working at a table in the Brooklyn Pizza Hut, told us that by her count, at least fifty salad orders were being detained at this location alone. “It is causing total chaos and the customers have been waiting hours to see what awaits their salads,” she told us.

Within hours of the ban’s announcement, spontaneous demonstrations of support have broken out all over the country. At the food court in LAX airport, police say at least ten-thousand pro-salad dressing supporters gathered outside to protest the president’s executive order. Signs saying “Free Our Fat-Free” and “Don’t Serve Our Constitution On The Side” were seen as protesters blocked the “Pick-Up” line.  One protestor told me she drove all the way from Catalina when she learned of the ban. “I live in Catalina,” Myra Donnally told me, as she waved a sign that declared “Catalina Dressing Just Wants To Be Part Of America!” “We have decent, law abiding dressings where I come from, and this ban hurts”, she told me while tears filled her eyes.

At least three legal challenges to the ban have already been filed in Federal Courts around the country.  Ellen Rosenblum, Oregon’s Attorney General, was the first to file for a stay of the order. In a statement issued with the filing, Ms. Rosenblum said:

It has always been the constitutional right of our people to have whatever salad dressing they want on their salads, regardless of their origins. In our state, in particular, we have many ranchers who look to the United States as a free and open market for Ranch dressing. To favor Russian dressing over Ranch is not only discriminatory, it is absolutely un-American!

For the administration’s part, it is fiercely pushing back at any suggestion that the executive order is outside the president’s authority. At an impromptu press briefing, press secretary Sean Spicer, in a contentious exchange with American Urban Radio Networks’ April Ryan, began screaming:

If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s Russian dressing favoritism! At some point April, you’re going to have to take no for an answer to ‘can I have Asian Balsamic on my spinach”

As he angrily stalked off from the press briefing, a reporter shouted out a question to which Spicer furiously responded, “No, that stain on my tie is not Russian dressing, it’s mustard!”

420

This week on Episode 420 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have obtained a letter sent from the Kremlin to Donald Trump separating him from their employment. Following is the letter our agents intercepted:

Dearest Donald,

It is my sad but necessary duty to inform you that the Kremlin, specifically President Putin, has concluded that your services are no longer needed. It was not easy to reach this conclusion since he had placed so much hope and resources into making you appear to be a rational human being. This was obviously a mistake given your propensity to act like a complete oaf.

This action is sad, given the wonderful hopes we had for you and how promising our relationship seemed to be. Starting when you came to Mr. Putin to borrow money for a cab back to your hotel, we thought we had a solid relationship. We provided you with all the aid you needed to succeed. We gave you funds, we gave you support, and we gave you our finest urinating prostitutes. We cleaned those sheets and even had your hotel maid killed afterward. And to prove our loyalty to you, we filmed the whole thing and have safely hidden copies all over the world. All this was done because we thought you were a talented conman who was able to pull off a swindle of the American people without them realizing what we had done. We were obviously mistaken.

First, we never expected that Access Holywood tape and really, you should have tipped us off. While we fully appreciate your sexual proclivities as demonstrated on the many videos we all have enjoyed over the years, we never suspected that you would actually admit such things in public. Don’t take this the wrong way. Those videos have certainly been a big hit at Mr. Putin’s office parties.  But really, Mr. Trump, grabbing pussy? Please, Mr. Trump, a little public decorum would have helped.

Then, there is your constant tweeting. Please, Mr. Trump, unlike your taste in women, you are not thirteen. Your fingers are better used for other purposes, like that weird twirly thing you did with your penis. It really gets a lot of laughs every time we watch it at happy hour. But we digress because you really have to stop tweeting about Obama. Forget Obama, it wasn’t him that bugged you at Trump Tower, you idiot, that was us! How do you think we ensure you are living up to your part of the bargain?

And that brings us to our main point. We thought you would be smart enough to keep everyone in your country distracted while we annexed a few more countries like Ukraine and maybe Poland, Belarus, Hungary, and Romania if everything went exactly right. But your fumbling little fingers just proved to your people what we know all along. You have the self-control of a teenager sitting in the bathroom with his father’s porn collection. By the way, does Melania let you do that thing you do on tape with your hair and belly buttons? That is hilarious!

In closing, we along with President Putin would like to thank you for your service to Mother Russia and our prostitution industry. We also have our sincere promise that those videos will never, ever be given to WikiLeaks if you default on your loans. That was a joke, of course. They already have them. So President Putin extends his best wishes for your future endeavors. But from the way we saw you handle the repeal of Obamacare, we have concluded that it is time to repeal and replace you.  We ask that you return the keys to the hotel room, the rubber sheets, and the penis extender we loaned you. In short, Mr. Trump, you’re fired!

 

 

 

419

On Episode 419 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we reported that presidential press secretary Sean Spicer is resting quietly tonight at the convent of Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points after a night-long ordeal. D.C. police were summoned on Saturday night when neighbors heard what they thought was a disturbance coming from Mr. Spicer’s apartment.

When police arrived, they found Mr. Spicer levitating and frothing at the mouth. He was covered in what appeared to be an Easter Bunny costume. “His big bunny head was turning three hundred sixty degrees,” reported Officer J.D.Tippit of the D.C.P.D.  “Mr. Spicer’s head kept banging on the ceiling and he kept moaning the words ‘microwave ovens’ over and over”, said Tippit.

EMT’s quickly shot Mr. Spicer with tranquilizer darts to calm him down. He was only slightly bruised when he fell on his bunny head. He was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center where he was given an MRI and some carrots. Doctors at Walter Reed determined that the secretary was not in control of his actions and his speech were actually coming from a demonic possession. This is what Hospital personnel, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of HIPPA rules, told us:

It was clear to all the doctors that Mr. Spicer was possessed. All that was left was the shell of the man and the voice of a demon screaming ‘fake news’. He was chewing bubble gum as huge bubbles would explode and shake the room. We called for a Catholic priest!

The priest,  Father Joseph Dyer from Georgetown, arrived on the scene and recognized the demon immediately. “It’s the Trumpzuzu. I have vanquished him before, and this is his revenge.” He quickly went to work, again described by medical staff:

Fr. Dyer found Sean lying on the bed where he had ny now lost control of his bowels. . The stench was unbearable. He was screaming something about Sean Hannity and Judge Napolitano and began to rise from his bed. Fr. Dyer yelled, “I cast you out, orange spirit, in Jesus name, boggidy, boggidy, boggidy, amen!”  Spicer moaned, “You are fake. You are so dishonest!” At that point, Fr. Dyer pulled out President Obama’s birth certificate and shouted, “It is Obama who commands you!” With that the specter of a huge blond wig jumped from Sean’s body and flew out the window! Mr. Spicer crashed back onto his bed and went silent. We all thought he was dead but Fr. Dyer assured us he would be OK now that he was free of Trumpzuzu.

And the Clown Car is pleased to report that after the exorcism Mr. Spicer was moved here to a convent where he will be rehabilitated. Here at Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points, the Passionist nuns will have to re-teach him to eat, walk, and put on a lapel pin right side up. And the nuns are hopeful that Mr. Spicer may even be able to deal with facts again some day. Fingers crossed. Needless to say, our hopes and best wishes go out to Secretary Spicer and his bunny family.

 

 

418

On Episode 418 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we dive into the crazy world of Trumpcare and the iPhones for healthcare world of Donald Trump. Yes, this week Jason “I Can’t Look My Daughter In The Eye” Chaffetz explained Trumpcare this way: Give up your iPhone and by health care instead. They have even started running a TV ad campaign!

Welcome to Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium!

Here at Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium, you can pawn for procedures. Lost your Obamacare? No worries, we have you covered here at Crazy Donnie’s. That’s right, we have a complete line of medical procedures designed just for you and your family! No money, no problem! Our pawn-for-procedures shop is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days week. Just come in and choose from the largest menu of medical procedures in the world and our friendly staff will arrange for an almost-doctor to evaluate your condition. Headphones for hernias, phlebotomies for flat screens, iPhones for eye surgery, we have it all. And we won’t be undersold!

Need a kidney, don’t piss away your money. Need a lung, breath easy with our generous trade-in plans. Have a nasty cut, we have cut our prices on all stitches and bandages so low you will never faint from blood loss again! And now, for the upcoming Easter and Passover observances, we have cut our prices even lower. Just listen to these health care bargains.

  • Mole removal, regularly two iPhones and now reduced to a Blackberry.
  • Liver transplants, regularly going for a smart TV, for this limited time only, reduced to a one-thousand-watts microwave.
  • Colonoscopies, now at a low, low price of one surround-sound system! And if we remove a polyp, ITS ON US!
  • Prostate cancer screening, normally costing a cable box and a Roku, for a limited time available for one XM radio (one-year subscription required).

And that’s not all! Browse our March blow-out flyer for extra savings. And speaking of blow-outs, if you blew out an appendix, our surgeons are ready to cut it out for the low, low trade-in of an electric dryer. Other March specials include heart stints, new or refurbished. New stints starting at a toaster oven. Refurbished for an iPhone5.

Speaking of the Ides of March, look into our Eyes of March Special! Lasix surgery, cataract removal, detached retina repair and more! Trade in your Kindle and we will have you seeing so good you will almost be able to read our malpractice release form. With over a century of eye surgery under their belts, our vision doctors Ron and Rand Paul will cut your corneas without cutting corners. And if you can’t see after they’re finished, we offer a full refund and a coupon for five dollars off a pair of dark glasses.

It’s March Madness at Crazy Donnie’s! Do you have erectile dysfunction, we’ll have you popping up for a pop-up toaster! Need a heart bypass?  Our staff physician Dr. Ben Carson will take a stab at it, and he is a stabbing expert! Oh, sure he’s a brain surgeon, but hearts are just brains in your chest, just like slaves are just involuntary immigrants. Push, pull, or drag in your old vehicle for new heart valves or up to four bypasses.

Transplants, broken arms, broken legs, broken toes, broken promises, we have them all at Crazy Donnie’s! And remember, if we can’t treat it, you shouldn’t have it! Crazy Donnie! His health care plan is INSANE!