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Well, Spring is here and along with Spring comes some annual traditions. Whether it’s the Jewish commemoration of Passover, the Christian observance of Easter, or just the joy of Tulips blooming in the garden, Spring is a time of renewal. And one of the enduring traditions of the season is the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. But this year the event has been placed in the hands of presidential advisor and “Man Without a Reich,” Stephen Miller. This year, Mr. Miller has decided on a theme of “Kids from Norway” and sent invitations to only blond, blue-eyed descendants of Norweigan immigrants.  That’s right, no kids from shit-hole countries this year! Just the refreshing glow of blond white children on the green White House lawn.

This year Mr. Miller has scheduled three egg rolling events for the children to enjoy. Here are the scheduled events for White House Easter Egg Roll 2019:

The Mueller Report Redaction Egg Roll: In this contest, two teams of children are each given a basket of color-coded eggs. In front of them is a copy of the Mueller Report laid out on the lawn. The object of the game is to roll the eggs over anything that may implicate the president in a crime or make him look bad. When only the words “and” and “the” remain the team wins! The winning team gets appointed the head of the Criminal Division of the Department of Justice. Well, just acting.

The Build the Wall Egg Roll Competition: In this event, two teams of Norweigan kids are each given a pallet of bricks at the bottom of a big hill. On top of the hill are staffers with barrels full of brown colored eggs. The staffers represent the three Mexican countries sending caravans to the border to kill everyone in the United States. As the barrels are emptied, the children must quickly use the bricks to build a wall before the caravan of eggs reach the bottom of the hill. The kids who manage to stop the greatest number of brown eggs win a scholarship to a Betsy DeVos white-only charter school.

The Sanctuary City Migrant Egg Roll: This is Stephen Miller’s favorite event of the year. Two teams of Norweigan children are given a pile of eggs representing asylum seekers. In front of the kids are three holes marked San Fransisco, Chicago, and New York. The object of the game is to load the eggs into wheelbarrows and transport them to one of the sanctuary city holes. The team to transport the most asylum seeking eggs into the holes win the contest. Extra credit is given for eggs deposited in San Francisco. The winning team receives a Nancy Pelosi piñata,  a DVD of “Birth of a Nation”, and a White House dinner of junk food and cigars. Good luck kids!

Yes, this year the annual Easter Egg Roll will really live up to its name: A White House Easter Egg Roll. And the best part is that it was all organized by Stephen Miller, the most rotten egg of them all!

 

 

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Are you planning to join the beautiful and exclusive club at Donald J. Trump’s Mar-A-Lago? Are you new to the wealthy-ass class and unsure of what to take on your first visit to the swamp people of Trump’s universe? Well, relax because the Clown Car Update has made your first-visit planning easy with a stress-reducing solution: The MAGA Swag Bag. With the Mag-Bag Swag Bag, you will never be caught unprepared like a Chinese spy.  Here’s what our Mag Bag Swag Bag includes:

  • Orange tanning cream – Don’t just visit the president, look just as ridiculous as he does with the glow of a person with a severe case of hepatitis. Eyecups included!
  • A black light – You’ve heard the rumors, you’ve read the Steele Dossier so you can never be too careful. This black light will reveal any stains on your bedding and is essential if you are in the presidential suite.
  • Rubber sheets – Just in case the black light shows something awful!
  • Baby wipes – Yep, kissing Trump’s ass is mandatory, so keep your brown nose fresh, clean, and shart-free!
  • Golf scoring card – Of course, with you as the loser.
  • Don Jr. Super Hold Hair Gel – Whether you are killing innocent wildlife or just lying around being a big jerk, you want to be sure your hair looks just like you just left the Jiffy-Lube!
  • Oranges – Because you never want to forget where you came from, you know, your oringes!
  • Non-stick toilet paper – There are few things more embarrassing than boarding Air Force One with the remnants of your last deuce on your shoe.
  • Self-folding umbrellas – They’re complicated, let us do it for you.
  • Rolled up Forbes magazine – You were a naughty one, now you get a spanking!
  • DVD of Shark Week – Always a must when you are getting a good spanking.
  • $10,000 in cash for hush money – With all the spanking going on, it’s always handy to have the hush money ready and at hand!
  • Eric Trump bobblehead – This one is a bit scary because it is indistinguishable from the real Eric.
  • Big Mac air freshener – For the Presidential Suite experience.
  • Pre-printed NDA’s – What happens at Mar-A-Lago stays at Mar-A-Lago!

Just order online and for the less of the cost of porn-star hush money, you can go on your first Mar-A-Lago adventure stress-free! And if you order in the next thirty days, we will include the Willam Barr Cover-Up Kit absolutely free. The kit comes with color-coded redaction pens, black sharpies, and ass kissing gel. So order your MAGA Swag Bag today because just like our President, it’s full of shit!

*Thanks to Kenny Pick for the initial idea for this Clown Car* 

 

 

509.1

MAGAphobia! Yea, it’s a thing. Apparently, all the “snowflakes” are not liberals. According to “The Daily Beast” delicate Trumpers have found it necessary to find safe spaces where they can crap all over democracy with a bright red MAGA hat and a gun at their side. So, they have developed a “Green Book” for bigots called “63rd Safe” and it is a guide to safe places for Trumpers to patronize. So the Clown Car has reviewed the app and here are some of the businesses you may want to avoid if you have an allergic reaction to Golden Showers:

Hotel Triple-K:  Just look for the twirling hood with the bright red MAGA hat on top. And don’t let that “No Vacancy” sign fool you. That’s just to keep those “undesirable” people from ruining your stay. Always come in and check. If you’re not black or gay, you’re OK! Conveniently located across the street from the field used by the Klan for its monthly meetings, our all-individual cabins are designed to make you feel at home. Each unit is mounted on four Firestone tires and is landscaped with spare car parts strewn about the walkway. Inside, a well-appointed room complete with Elvis paintings, shag rug, and a bible signed by the President of the United States himself. Oh, and free TV with Fox News on every channel. We offer complimentary white sheets with pre-punched eyeholes and a shooting range out back. “Stop by. We’ll keep a cross burning’ for you!”

The Red Hat Restaurant: Dine like you are a sports champion visiting the White House. We don’t have a kitchen of our own, so we stock the best of your favorite fast food fantasies. Feast on our buffet table of Big Macs, Whoppers, Dominoes Pizzas, French Fries, and Kentucky Fried Chicken all in an exact replica of the White House dining room. Strap on your AK-47 and bring the kids for a family meal wearing your favorite MAGA outfit. Three-point hat? No problem! Sidearm? No problem! We welcome all forms of firearms and military-style attire. And don’t worry about that red MAGA hat! They are not only welcome here, but they are also mandatory! In fact, if you don’t have one, we will give you one just like a tie and jacket at one of those fancy liberal New York restaurants. And don’t worry about the kids. Our game room has been converted to a shooting range. So while you and your wife enjoy your grits and pork butts, the kids can fire away at an assortment of targets picturing federal judges and Hillary Clinton. So bring extra ammo clips and get ready for an evening of guns and grits!

Rudy’s Dental Depot: We know you’re busy. Yelling the TV watching Fox News, painting “Finish the Wall” signs for the next Trump rally, and smoking crack. Who has time to floss and brush? Well, here at Donnie’s Dental Depot, we care about those last two teeth just like they were our own. Our most dedicated and nearly professionally trained staff will ensure a pleasant experience while we scrape the pork rind off those yellow monsters and polish them up like two white lights in an empty tunnel. And don’t worry if you lost your last two pearly whites because here at Donnie’s Dental Depot we have implants made of the finest mercury and asbestos amalgams. And with our easy payment plans, you can have up to four teeth implanted for the low price of two-hundred dollars per tooth. Or better yet, implant them yourself with our drill and hammer kit and easy step by step instructions and save twenty percent! As Rudy says, “my teeth are the window to my soul!”

The Accounting Firm of Stonewall and Hyde, CPA’s: Whether you’re running a small pyramid scheme or a large international crime syndicate, we can make it all look legal here at Stonewall and Hyde. How do we do it, you ask? Simple. Two sets of books and an elaborate offshore banking scheme that even Bob Mueller couldn’t figure out. Money laundering, bribery, extortion, or simple kidnap ransom is easily handled and hidden somewhere only you will know. And here is the best part: At Stonewall and Hyde, we can never be subpoenaed because we don’t have a permanent office. We run our operation in a 2005 Chevy Van parked in different locations daily. If the DA is coming, we just fire her up and drive away! So look for our vans with the “Free Roger Stone” logo at an empty parking lot near you. And with each new account, we will give you a free “Lock Her Up” tee shirt. Remember, our name is our promise. We Stonewall and Hyde!

True Value Voters Hardware Store: Building a wall? Congress won’t give you enough money to do it? Come to True Value Voters Hardware where we will set you up with all the material you need at a price you can afford. We have cinder blocks, Quikrete, trowels, and rebar that will make your wall project a work of art to last a lifetime. And here at True Value Voters Hardware, we welcome bigots and white supremacists like they are family because, well, that IS our family! Just look for the “Don’t Tread On Me” flag the next time you want to wall off your brown neighbors!

And remember MAGA snowflakes, if these apps don’t help you stay in your MAGA safe space and you get into trouble, just call the apps in-house fixer Michael Cohen. He has cleared his calendar for the next three years to help you with legal problems. You can find him at 1-800-SAYS WHO?

 

 

 

Well, it’s that time of year again, when Hollywood gathers its best for the annual Academy Awards. There are some great nominees and good luck to your favorites. And as an annual tradition, we here at the Clown Car Update have our own award to give to the special people who gave us fun, laughter, and some tears in the past year. So here from the Clown Car Academy of Farts and Nonsense are the Chuckles Awards for 2019:

Worst Misspelled Tweet by a Sitting President:

  • “We Served Hamberders”, a White House production, Donald J. Trump, producer.
  • “Covfeve, the Magic Word”, an Oval Office production, Donald J. Trump, producer
  • “The Smocking Gun”, a Delusional Films production, Donald J. Trump, producer

Best Humiliation of a Sitting President:

  • “Not One Dollar for Your Stupid Wall”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a #MeToo production
  • “The Sarcastic Applause”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a Mid-Terms 2018 production
  • “I Just Dog-Walked Donald Trump”, Nancy Pelosi, director, a Sunglasses and Red Coat production

Best Picture:

  • “The New Three Stooges: The Stone, Corsi, Nunberg Story”, Mueller productions, Bob Mueller director
  • “The Pee-Pee Tape”, Vladimir Putin, director, A Golden Shower Films production
  • “Pardon Me!”, Paul Manafort, director, Oleg Deripaska, producer

Best Horror Film:

  • “The Trump Witch Project”, Rudolph Giuliani director, an FBI production
  •  “The Extortionist”, David Pecker, director, an Amazon Prime Original
  • “Snakes On a Plane: The Air Force One Story”, Sarah Huckabee Sanders director, a Trump Administration production

Best Short Subject:

  • “Michael Flynn, Twenty-Seven Days in Hell”, Sergey Lavrov director, a Kremlin Films production
  • “Gone in a Scaramucci”, John Kelly, director, a Your Gone production
  • “The Price is Right: The Tom Price Story”, A Fly First Class production

Best Hair Design:

  • Kim Jung-un, for “The Singapore Summit”
  • Donald J. Trump, for “The Great Coverup”
  • Trey Gowdy, for “Benghazi, the Lost Years”

Best Supporting Role:

  • Michael Cohen, “The Rat”, A Stormy Daniels production
  • Carter Page, “Hats, Eyebrows, and Stupid Grins”, A Dodgy Dossier production
  • Matt Whitaker, “Big Dicks, Big Foot, Big Toilets”, a Time Travel production

Best Original Story:

  • “It was About Russian Adoption”, co-writers Donald Trump, Jr and Donald Trump, Sr., Hope Hicks producer
  • “Walls Work”, Stephen Miller director, a Twelfth Century production
  • “Two-Hundred Thirty-Nine Pounds of Great Genes”, Dr. Ronnie Jackson, medical director, a Medical Miracle production.

And this year, the Clown Car Academy of Farts and Nonsense would like to award its annual Lifetime Achievement Award to Steve King for a lifetime of unwavering dedication to being a total asshole.  

Congratulations to this year’s winners and thank you to the Academy of Farts and Nonsense for its hard work nominating some of the biggest gas bags of 2018. We look forward to a great 2019 assured that the Trump organization will provide another long list of convicted felons. And with that, we say goodnight and GO PRICKS!

On Tuesday it was reported by Rachel Maddow that Donald Trump is planning a new event to celebrate Trump’s America. It would take place in Washington, D.C. on July Fourth and feature a parade and a gathering on the Mall for a great fireworks display. Of course, you say, they already do that and have been doing that for forty years. But the big difference is that Trump is selling this as his idea and that makes it so much bigger than just Independence Day. Maybe he’ll call it Trumpendence Day!

Well, we at the Clown Car Update have some ideas of our ownfor new traditions perhaps celebrated on the same day every year. Here are someideas we came up with for new National Holidays:https://tinyurl.com/y4a663oc

  • Every year, the President of the United Statesgoes to Walter Reed and has an annual physical. With the current pretender inthe White House, this also involves the attending physician lying aboutDonnie’s weight. Let’s call this holiday FatDonnie Tuesday.
  • We all remember that Wednesday after election day 2016. It was the day we all woke up to hear the three words that produced mass projectile vomiting: President-Elect Trump! To ensure that we remember the day we spent with our heads in a toilet bowl, the first Wednesday in November will be commemorated as Ass Wednesday.
  • June 16, 2015. He rolled down the escalator inTrump Tower like a ball of dung being pushed by a beetle. That ball of dung isnow rolling around the White House getting bigger and slinkier every day. Andwho was that beetle pushing the ball of dung down the escalator? None otherthan Vladimir Putin. So it is fitting that June 16 be remembered as Russian Christmas.
  • They do it in the United Kingdom on December 26.  But we want to celebrate January 20, 2021, as the day Kellyanne Conway back into one of Trump’s hemorrhoids and has to pack and leave. We call it Boxing Day.
  • We already have April Fool’s Day. But onNovember 6, 2018, the Democrats won back the House of Representatives and NancyPelosi began to dog-walk Donald Trump. So give us your best sarcastic applausefor Nancy’s Fool Day.  
  • April 25, 2019, is Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day. But for the Trump family, it may have a different meaning so let’s start Take Your Sons and Daughter to Prison Day.
  • It may be a pre-dawn FBI raid on a former TrumpCampaign official or the announcement that one of Donnie’s children are finallygoing to jail. It always seems to happen on the same day, and we call that daya Good Friday.

And of course there are many days yet to come that we cannoteven imagine yet. One that we are all hoping for is the day they escort DonaldTrump from the White House to the Big House. We already have a holiday forthat. We call it Thanksgiving Day!


Just in time for spring, and Mueller indictments, the Clown Car Update is proud to announce its first annual spring clothing line. The theme this spring follows the headlines of Trump campaign advisors steadily going to jail. Since our catalog is not quite complete, today we will present a preview of the fashions everyone will want to be wearing this Spring. So move over J. Peterman, here is our Spring 2019 offering, The Roger Stone Collusion Collection:

The You’re-A-Sucker Seersucker Freedom Shirt: Evil minds are always working, and that means you don’t always have time to attend to ironing your shirts. I once met a dirty trickster on the subway. He had a very high hairline that ended on a very pointy head. I asked him why he looked so disheveled. He responded, “Running from arraignments to interviews there is no time to iron!” Great words from a master liar. But in a seersucker shirt, rumpled looks fashionable whether conducting a presser outside the courthouse or just dodging the FBI at the next subway stop. Available in Prison Stripe and Inmate Orange sizes small to XXXTrump.

The Silk Gangster Robe: It’s 6:00 AM and you were just dreaming of that wonderful dinner at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London with Julian Assange. Hacked emails and plans of election rigging filled the air. Suddenly, you are awakened from your dream by a loud banging on your door. “FBI, open up!” Are you frightened? Do you run? Why absolutely not! You do what Al Capone did when Elliot Ness was at his door. You slip on your luxurious silk gangster robe and cover your junk and that Nixon tattoo. Now you are cuffed and hauled off for booking in style. Available in white, very white, KKK white, and Ted Cruz Paisley.

The Bad Ass Basque Beret: You are out on the town after a long day of violating your gag order. Diner with friends and perhaps a crank call to the special prosecutor’s office pretending to flip on Trump. Just as they begin to take your information you yell, “fake news” and hang up. And nothing makes this evening of fun and pranks feel better that wearing a fine velvet beret. It says, “yes, this man is a total asshole!”  Available in MAGA Red in sizes small, medium, and pointy head.  

The Bullet Proof Tweed Vest: There is one item that is a must in the closet of any well-dressed indicted conspirator and that is a sharp, well-fitting vest. Pre-trial hearings, hours of questioning, and then a trial means you will be in and out of courthouses more often than Trump raw dogging a porn star. Our all wool tweed vests are lined with the finest Kevlar to keep you looking sharp and at the same time prevent you from becoming the next Jack Ruby. Comes in Grey and is imported from Ukraine.

The Paul Manafort Ostridge Skin Overnight Bag: Today’s the day. The judge gave you twenty years and they start today, so you pack your things in the bag you have loved since all those sleepovers with Paul, Jerome Corsi, and Sam Nunberg. Made of the same quality Ostridge as Paul’s jackets, you can take your memories to prison with you. Pack light though, they have a dress code where you’re going. Colors vary.

That is just a small sample of our soon to be released spring collection. Our catalog will be coming soon. And we are already at work with our fall collection when all the leaves turn orange and so does your wardrobe. And remember our motto at The Roger Stone Collusion Collection, “Everything we sell is a story, and it is mostly perjury.”

Well, the Tell-All book industry is thriving better than a mushroom growing on an old dead stump! (Insert Trump penis joke here). There is Omarosa Manigault Newman’s “Unhinged”, Chris Christie’s new book “Let Me Finish”, (which incidentally is what every woman who ever had sex with Trump told him), and the latest entry, Cliff Sims “Team of Vipers”. All of these books have caused a stir but nothing like what the investigative reporters at the Clown Car Update have uncovered. And as a result of our expert sleuthing, we are proud to announce the soon-to-be-published ultimate Trump Tell-All book by the person who knew him most intimately. No, not wives or porn stars. We are talking about Trump’s personal Grub Hub delivery boy, Sal Manella. In this book, of which excerpts were published in Proctology Monthly,  what the author reveals is more explosive than a Trump bowel movement! The book is entitled “The Art of the Meal: Holy Shit, He Ate That?”. Here are some of the shocking revelations in this blockbuster book:

  • Trump had threesomes with a Big Mac and Kentucky Fried Chicken breast.
  • Trump used the code “Golden Shower Special” to order lemonade trickled over his hamburger bun.
  • Trump’s frequent sniffling during speeches is due to inadvertently inhaling the sesame seeds.
  • The “nuclear football” now contains the password to Trump’s Grub Hub account and an emergency chocolate cake.
  • When Trump ordered a “Stormy Daniels” he wanted a pizza with mushrooms on top.
  • Whenever he ordered Taco Bell, he would have me build a wall around his order with empty Big Mac boxes then tell me to send the bill to Mexico.
  • Trump once let out gas in the White House SCIF destroying sensitive intel documents.
  • Trump would make prank calls to Mitch McConnell and disguise his voice by talking into empty KFC buckets.
  • Trump would stand Chicken McNuggets on end and pretend they were his Inaugural crowd.
  • He was disappointed when he learned that FDA didn’t stand for Food Delivery Agency.

These are only a small sample of what we can expect in Mr. Manella’s red hot book. Other questions that the answers are: Did Trump give the recipe for our Navy’s Bean Soup to Putin? Did Trump really give Kim Jung Un a gift certificate to White Castle? Did trump really faint at the sight of a  salad bar? You will have to buy the book to find the answers but one thing this book assures us when you eat as much as Trump, you can’t help to be full of shit.

Building a wall shouldn’t suck. You should never lose sleep fighting with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer over financing for your wall. Building a wall should be fun, like building Trump Tower with undocumented Polish workers that you never pay. Well, here at the Clown Car Update we have taken the stress of wall building away with our newest service, WallVana. WallVana is an online shopping service that takes the stress out of building a wall. There is no Congress, there is no Speaker of the House, there is no government shutdown. All there is between you and a brand new beautiful wall is your short little fingers and your sticky keyboard. How does it work, you ask. Well just listen!

All our wall purchases are done online, so all you need are your thumbs and the same internet connected device you use to obstruct justice and intimidate witnesses. Just sit back with a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken and your most comfortable pair of depends and click away. We have a wide variety of walls from solid concrete to beautiful steel slats. And all our walls have gone through a strict one-hundred and fifty point test including:

  • Drug tossing
  • Body squeezing
  • Prayer rug passing
  • Olympic pole vaulting
  • Mary Poppins umbrella floating
  • Toilet tissue adhesion

And we offer a seven-month test drive guarantee. That’s right, put up any of our walls on your southern border and if Ann Coulter is not 100% satisfied you can return it for a full refund.

No overhead, no tedious negotiations with Nancy, and no waiting. WallVana cuts out the middlemen and women and delivers a quality barrier that any xenophobe would be proud of. Our metal walls are made of the finest materials in the world like pure Canadian steel and Russian aluminum.  Our concrete walls are freshly poured and give you the opportunity to hide incriminating documents before it sets.

And don’t let financing get in your way to a total wall experience. Maybe Mexico won’t fund your wall but we will finance it with all the cash you can launder from Deutsche Bank. Or better yet, let our Russian friends lend you the money through an easy NRA membership.

And picking up your wall is easier than ever. You can either have it delivered to the site you wish to seal off or pick up your wall at one of our WallVana vending machines conveniently located throughout the Southwest. Just insert the replica Mexican Peso into the slot and out jumps a big beautiful wall that would make China blush! 

So the next time you want to make a racist statement or just blow smoke up your followers’ asses take the easy way out and buy your next wall at WallVana. WallVana, because like the Trump administration, we are all bricks and pricks!

Sometimes in times of crisis, the best opportunities emerge. For example, this week, amidst the confusion and hardship of the government shutdown, Donald Trump found a new excuse to have a mountain of fast food delivered to the White House.  Having to entertain the Clemson Football championship team, Trump, found himself without a kitchen staff. The answer? Order out. Big Macs, fries, White Castle burgers, and pizza were pile as high as congressional subpoenas on the tables of the East Room. It was a great success and according to Trump, the food was gone in an hour.

Well, never to let an opportunity to make a quick buck on the presidency, Trump thought of a way to turn his fast food buffet into his newest scam. So move over “Johnny Rockets” here comes “Donnie’s Pockets” a new fast food catering service brought to you by the same people that brought you “Trump University”, “Trump Steaks”, and Golden Showers Cologne.  Here are a few of the menu packages available to you at “Donnie’s Pockets”:

Donnie’s All American Economy Package ($.99 per person): This package consists leftovers from Trump’s midnight meals, recycled and repackaged to look and taste almost freshly made. All this food is guaranteed to look good as new and never been chewed. Every burger and fry has been inspected by our out-of-work FDA food inspectors to be as close to bacteria free as a disgruntled ex-federal employee can guarantee. Add partially used packets of ketchup and mustard for an additional five cents per person.

Melania’s Sushi Bar ($4.99 per person): Yes, the first (or more accurately, the THIRD) Lady put on her finest “I Don’t Really Care” ensemble and took the unemployed EPA inspectors to every gas station in America to find the best almost fresh sushi to bring to your event. From recently rolled rice and to questionable but edible tuna we guarantee our sushi menu to be no more than three days past the sell-date and probably never touched by the same guy who did oil changes. And included in the price, is a quart of what we believe to be Wasabi sauce.

The Putin Hooker Pee-Pee Party ($8.99 per person): Don’t let ordinary food piss on your event! This package has all the best of Russian cuisine. We offer Okroshka, a soup served as cold as a knife in the back of your enemies. Or if you prefer your soup served hot, try Putin’s award winning borscht, served with or without red meat. And if you have some enemies coming to your event, add a side of our polonium-120. It’s to die for!

The Brexit Breakfast (£10.00 per person): That’s right, Brits, we have a breakfast menu for your Brexit parties. While Theresa May’s Brexit plans may have let you down, we never will with our Brexit Breakfast feast including our Tuna Brexit Meltdown and Egg-on-your-face Omelet. And for you Brexit fans who like meat with your breakfast, a good helping of crow! Our British chef Nigel Farage will feed you the same crap that he did to get you into this mess in the first place! Be sure before you buy this package because, like the Brexit vote, there is no going back.

The Steve King Supreme (Regional Prices):  This package features traditional Western Cultural cuisine with mounds of white meat, white bread, and blanched vegetables. Top it all off with some white cake with your choice of vanilla ice cream or vanilla pudding. And don’t worry about those “other” people. Our catering staff will provide a big, beautiful wall complete with an electric fence on top. No cantaloupe calves at this party!

And don’t forget to plan your party for the big event in February we have been waiting for all season. No, not the Super Bowl. We’re talking about Michael Cohen’s testimony in front of Congress. And remember, all of “Donnie’s Pockets” food is slow cooked before it is served to you because as with everything Donnie does, it is all a crock!

For generations, couples have looked to the wisdom and knowledge of Dr. Benjamin Spock to guide them through the trials and tribulations of parenting. His many books and essays on child rearing have proven an invaluable guide to one of life’s unimaginable challenges. But what Dr. Spock never imagined was that someday, a seventy-two-year-old baby would one day live in the White House and make the life of one couple almost unbearable. So just in time for Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and inspired by the legendary Dr. Spock’s books and essays comes “The First Two Years, The Emotional and Physical Needs of Infantile Presidents from Election to Impeachment.”

In the Clown Car’s “First Two Years”, our experts cover some of the most pressing and frustrating situations Nancy and Chuck are facing trying to handle a two-year-old seventy-two-year-old. We cover such topics as:

  • Understanding your baby’s different cries: Yes, believe it or not, when a baby president is in distress, different cries mean different things. For example, when a baby POTUS yells “No Collusion”, that means that he just wet his pants when he heard the name, Robert Mueller. Our best advice is to keep baby POTUS dry by changing his depends often and limiting the amount of Fox News he consumes before bedtime.
  • Helping your little one cope with separation anxiety: Being baby POTUS means sometimes you have to be alone all day in the big Oval Playpen. And being a prick of a husband means you have to spend your nights alone in your bedroom. This can lead to many bad behaviors like sucking his thumbs or using them to tweet insults in the middle of the night. To avoid separation anxiety, we suggest a comforting toy, like a porn star or a Russian hooker. If all else fails, the smell of Kentucky Fried Chicken will often calm the fat little shit.
  • Communicating with your baby: As Chuck and Nancy have experienced, baby POTUS does not like reading or really big words with more than two syllables. To avoid tantrums and unnecessary stress, communicate with baby using simple words like “bigly” or “huge.” And if you are using visual cues, keep them short and use a lot of pictures. Images of Little Rocket Man and Vladimir Putin will always get your baby POTUS to pay attention and learn important things like how to read a subpoena.
  • Teaching your child about giving and sharing: This may be the most important developmental skill a baby POTUS must learn. Don’t let your POTUS build walls between him and others with non-orange skin. As Chuck and Nancy have learned, baby POTUS wants the world all to himself and building walls is the first sign that your kid is on the path to psychosis. He may, for example, start to believe in imaginary creatures like Mike Pence. The best way to handle these situations is to do what Nancy does, and slap him down with a firm “NO WALL!”
  • An easy way to toilet-train: Baby POTUS learn by observing adult behavior, so when toilet training, first show him that bodily functions are normal. Start by peeing on his bed to show him how unsanitary that is. The danger here is that he might like it. Also, make sure that he learns how to use toilet paper so it does not stick to his shoe.

These are just a few of the many topics we cover in “The First Two Years, The Emotional and Physical Needs of Infantile Presidents from Election to Impeachment.”  And if you find that after reading this handy guidebook your baby POTUS is still out of control, may we suggest our next publication coming out soon: “The Mueller Report”.