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Thursday night, under pressure from the House Intelligence Committee, the Department of Justice released the famous “Comey Memos”. And without taking their lips off Trump’s ass for even a breath of air the republican’s on the committee were leaking faster than a Russian hooker.  The memos were heavily redacted and left out some “juicy” details to the imagination. Let’s just say they whet your appetite. Well, imagine no more because the Clown Car Update team has obtained the unredacted versions of the memos and they are real pissers. I would like to caution our readers that these memos are not office or child appropriate, so take appropriate measures and put on your golden shower caps!

Memo #1:

January 6, 2017

I executed the meeting just as I had planned. I told him I wanted to speak to him about a report written by Christopher Steele and paid for by [Mike Pence] and that the report was [uploaded by mistake to a popular porn site]. In the report, Mr. Steele claimed that the Russians had a videotape of him in a Moscow hotel room with five hookers.  On the tape, [the hookers peed on his mattress while Stormy Daniels spanked him in his underwear.]  I told him there were a lot of other allegations, but he seemed most interested in the tape. He asked me if [you could see him clearly or was there wiggle room for him to deny this to Melania].  I told him that I hadn’t seen the tape myself but the entire Intelligence Community and Sen. John McCain have [been using it at office parties since last July]. I told him I wasn’t saying that the tapes were authentic but he seemed obsessed with one aspect of them asking several times [did my penis look like I had shrinkage?]. We agreed to discuss this further in [Scott Pruitt’s soundproof booth]

Memo #2

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with the president in [Pruitt’s soundproof booth] at 6:30 PM. There were two servers who I had a chance to chat with. They were retired Navy submariners and we had a fun discussion about [Trump’s tiny hands].  The president talked non-stop about a number of topics then brought up the dossier. He said he wanted me to investigate the peepee tape because there was a [99%] chance Melania would absolutely believe he would do such a thing. Also, he asked me if I could investigate the incident and  [remove any DNA evidence from bedsheets].  I said that would not be a good idea so he asked if I would at least consider [taking a look at the sheets and give him any stain removal tips]. I declined and we finished dinner. He suggested that my family come for dinner sometime. He thought maybe then [he might ask my wife how to get the stains out]. We shook hands and I used hand sanitizer when I got into my car.

Memo #3

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House for a 4 PM “meet and greet” with Reince Priebus. As I sat there waiting in the West Wing lobby, Mike Flynn stopped by and sat down and we chatted about [how an orange clown like Trump could ever get elected]. There was no mention by either of us about [the time we watched the peepee tape together]. Then Rience’s assistant took me into the Chief of Staff’s office.  We discussed a variety of subjects including how the [hell a nitwit like Trump] ended up in the [White House]. He then asked me if I could assure him that [he could maybe get a copy of the peepee tape] so he could [have some job security]. I said that would have to go through proper channels, specifically the [Kremlin]. Before I left Reince took me in to say hello to the president. He was speaking with Sean Spicer who was introduced as the White House [Easter Bunny].  The president then brought up the “golden shower” thing and once again asked if I could find out [how to get pee stains out of a bedsheet]. I said I could not and departed.

*Publication of these memos has been cleared by our legal department using the Sean Hannity method which is throwing ten bucks at a lawyer we met in a bar so all this is covered by attorney-client privilege.

 

 

 

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Knock, knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souprise, motherfucker! That’s the greeting Trump’s personal lawyer and prime ass-pimple, Michael Cohen received on Monday morning as he began his work week of paying off porn stars and burning underwear. As the news unfolded, panic spread in the West Wing and the Oval Office itself. What was in the piles of documents, cell phones, computers, and empty Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets that may produce evidence of a crime? As always, the Office of Special Prosecutor was silent about the raid, but the Clown Car Update was able to obtain a partial list of items taken from Mr. Cohen’s office. The items include:

  • Exhibit 1:  A rolled up magazine used by Stormy Daniels to spank Donald Trump along with a pair of spanking-worn underwear in size 52.
  • Exhibit 2:  Stained sheets and blankets from the Moscow Ritz Carleton Hotel along with a videotape marked “Donald Takes a Shower”.
  • Exhibit 3:  An audio recording of Stormy Daniels describing Donald Trump’s penis as “a dead slug in a saucer of beer.”
  • Exhibit 4:  Trump wigs made of pubic hairs
  • Exhibit 5: Paul Ryan’s spine which forensic experts estimate the was removed sometime after November 8, 2016.
  • Exhibit 6: Fred Trump’s hood and sheet collection.
  • Exhibit 7: Thousands of unsold “Trump University” pennants saying “Trump University, Go Pricks!”
  • Exhibit 8:  A shoebox filled with love letters marked “Poody Porn”.
  • Exhibit 9:  A case of Billy Bush “Tic Tacs” from the Access Holywood bus used for inappropriate and unwanted kissing.
  • Exhibit 10: DNA evidence proving that Sean Hannity was cloned from a polyp removed from Donal Trump’s colon in 1961.
  • Exhibit 11: A video by this year’s Easter Bunny claiming that Trump was fondled his cottontail at the annual Easter Egg Roll. An NDA and a 130,000 carrot payout were included.
  • Exhibit 12: The Stormy Daniels DVD Box Set featuring a patriotic dedication by David Dennison.

This is just a small sample of the voluminous material taken from Cohen’s office that included documents, tapes, cell phones, and sex toys.  Needless to say, Michael Cohen’s lawyer Stephen Ryan, called the raids “inappropriate and unnecessary” and complained that investigators seized privileged records, to which Robert Mueller replied, “SAYS WHO?!?!”

 

 

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The Trump Administration has ordered two thousand National Guard troops to the Delaware border to stop a caravan of Amazon.com shoppers from getting their orders free of sales tax. Responding to a segment he saw on “Fox and Friends” Sunday morning, Trump tweeted “Delaware is doing very little, if not NOTHING, at stopping people from ordering stuff through their Amazon Prime accounts and having them shipped to their homes in by using the US Postal System. They laugh at our dumb postal laws that use the Post Office like it was a delivery service. They must stop the big merchandise and book flows, or I will stop their cash cow, NAFTA. NEED WALL AROUND AMAZON.”  In a later tweet, Trump emphasized his frustration with the situation tweeting “These large “caravans” of people are taking advantage of Amazon Prime Days sales and want into the act. MUST STOP JEFF BEZOS!”

Trump’s tweetstorm and National Guard order can be traced to a commercial that aired between “Fox and Friends” segments and enraged the president according to two sources who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have Amazon Prime accounts. According to the sources, the president awoke to his usual breakfast of McDonalds Sausage Burritos and hashbrowns and became so upset that he never finished his Sausage McGriddle Meal. He immediately called Director of Homeland Security Kirstjen M. Nielsen who held a press conference on Monday.

At her press conference, Secretary Nielsen said that Jeff Bezos is causing a crisis at the Delaware border by offering free shipping until April 30.  She indicated that the threat will be meet with the full force of the United States military. We asked her how much having boots on the ground will cost. “That depends on Amazon. We are insisting that they pay for the boots. I ordered them from Amazon to take advantage of the free shipping.”

Jeff Bezos, founder, and CEO of Amazon fired back. “This is an attack on democracy and free enterprise and we intend to respond in kind. We have ordered our distribution centers that effective immediately we will start delivery by drone!”  After Bezos’ comments, Trump swiftly tweeted, “I have drones and my drones are bigger than Little Amazon Jeff’s!”

And the conflict has rattled the markets. Fear of a drone war and loss of free shipping has caused panic buying on Amazon. “The orders are coming in faster than Trump can down a KFC family bucket,” Bezos told us,  “and orders are up for everything except Ivanka’s shoes.” Public reaction to the president’s attacks on the “caravan” and Amazon has been harsh and swift.  Of two hundred million customer reviews on Trump’s presidency, he has earned an average rating of one-half a star. When asked if they would recommend Trump to a friend, 99% of customers said “NO!” One customer commented, “I voted for Trump but when he arrived I was disappointed. The packaging was shabby and he had a strange urine odor about him. I will be returning him in November.”

 

 

 

 

 

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You can’t possibly handle your life as president of the United States and all the other things that come with being Donald J. Trump. Dealing with special prosecutors, Playboy Bunnies, porn stars, and women you sexually assaulted can clutter up your day. And let’s face it, you have more to worry about like North Korea, Iran, and whether your urine sample is sitting in Vladimir Putin’s vault. That’s where we come in. We are LegalSleeze.com and we will take care of all that messy legal stuff.

Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have a full range of legal services that are tailored for the president with an active sex life.  Don’t piss your time away on legal worries when we can piss it away for you. Here are some of the legal services we can provide:

  • Non-disclosure agreements: Whether you are screwing a porn star or just grabbing women by their genitals, you are going to want their silence and non-disclosure agreements are the way to go. Don’t let your sexual conquests come back to bite you on your orange ass. Our NDA’s are easy to fill out and don’t even require you to sign them or use your real name.
  • Clandestine payouts: Your non-disclosure agreement is no good without a hefty hush money payout, and at LegalSleeze.com we have the experts to guide you through the process. Whether it’s Rubles, Dollars, or simply a physical threat, we make this as easy as when you laundered all that money.  And the best part, your lawyer won’t have to get a home equity loan!
  • Shell Corporation Setup: You can make a secret payout as quietly as a hooker pissing on a mattress by setting up the payment with a shell corporation.  Paying hush-money without setting up a shell corporation is like having unprotected sex. It may feel easier at the time, but the burning sensation may come later.
  • Conspiracy Theories: Sometimes a good legal strategy isn’t what you need. That’s where a great conspiracy theory comes in. Move over Joe diGenova! “deep state” and “secret FBI cabals” have nothing on us. Try our templates for “aliens forced me to have sex”  and “the Russian hookers were FBI agents”. And they are easy to fill out. Even an illiterate who can’t spell “counsel” can complete the forms.
  • Aliases: If you absolutely have to put your name on a document, you certainly don’t want it to be your real name. John Barron, John Miller, and David Dennison are really getting old. Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have the largest inventory of fake names in the world, like Mike Littoris, Dick Hurtz, and Redd P. Ness just to name a few.

So before you spend a pile of cash on some white shoe legal firm, try our shitty boot firm first. And if things don’t work out, try our sister website, PrisonLife.com. We can prepare you for your new life working in the prison laundry with Pauly “Walnuts”. And remember, at LegalSleeze.com we are just like you, Mr. President. We’re sleezy!

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How often has this happened to you? You’ve been indicted in Virginia and you have to wear an ankle bracelet.  Then, you get a call from your local Special Prosecutor that he has thirty-two more counts to charge you with. No problem,  you think,  because I already have my ankle bracelet. And then he drops the bomb on you.  The new charges ARE IN ANOTHER JURISDICTION! What do you do now? D.C. has one ankle bracelet and Virginia has another and neither one matches those new yellow jumpsuits. With two ankle bracelets, you will never match accessories. What color socks, what color shoes, what color cuffs? The list goes on until you don’t want to leave your house anymore even though you are not allowed to anyway.  Well, the Clown Shopping Network has great news. For the next hour, we are offering the newest fashion trend from Ivanka Trump, the Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelet Collection.

Now is your chance to serve your house arrest in style and not have to worry about accessorizing.  Each pair of Paul Manafort Ankle Bracelets is made of eighteen karat gold with only the most perfect war diamonds sold on the Russian black market. But that’s not all. These handsome matching bracelets are smart and Wi-Fi ready so you can receive all your phone, email, and text messages directly from your Russian handlers or whoever may be trying to reach you from Ukraine. And don’t worry about your cellular carrier, because these ankle bracelets are already JAILBROKEN!

The Manifort Ankle Bracelet supports all your favorite apps like Twitter so you don’t have to miss a single tweet from Donald as he describes you as a low-level coffee boy in two hundred and eighty characters. And such a comfortable fit, you will hardly know you have them on. With the easy slip-on clasp, you are buttoned up and ready for an entire day of hoping for a pardon from the president.

If you don’t believe these are the greatest ankle bracelets you will ever own, just listen to this testimonial from “Pharm Bro” Martin Shkreli who purchased these fabulous bracelets for the full retail price:

These ankle bracelets are worth every penny. if I owned this company, I would be charging you fifty times the price just like I did with life saving drugs!

If you call the Clown Shopping Network within the next fifteen minutes, we can offer these fashionable, perfectly matched ankle bracelets for the unbelievable low price of $149.95 plus court costs. And if you call now, we will throw in an additional gift, a Tiffany Trump sterling silver frame to perfectly display your indictment for all your family and friends to see. And all our Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelets come with our “Plea for Free Guarantee”.  If for any reason you decide to enter into a plea agreement you can return your bracelets for a full refund.  Just flip it back as easily as when you flipped when facing life in prison.

So call now. Our friendly FBI agents are standing by to take your sworn statements.  And be sure to stay tuned for our next hour when the Clown Shopping Network will be offering special savings on prison-themed accessories because as Robert Mueller says, we’re just getting started!

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The past few weeks have seen some high profile departures from the White House including Gary Cohn, Rob Porter, and possibly Melania. Reports have indicated that they are having problems filling positions, a rumor that Trump denies. But the Clown Car has learned that the White House has turned to a professional staffing company that is tailored to the president’s tastes. So welcome to Donald Trump’s “Zipper Recruiter” offering opportunities to work with the president, mostly under the table. Here are some opportunities you may be interested in:

Chief-of-the-Staff:
Primary Purpose:  To coördinate the usage of the President’s staff.
Nature of the Work: Reporting directly to the Assistant to the President for Affairs. You and will ensure that the president’s staff is ready at a moments notice in case of Stormy day. Although the president’s staff is very small, it requires constant stroking to keep it up and running.
Job Requirements: Extensive experience in using magnifying equipment and use of tweezers is essential. A degree in microbiology is helpful, but not necessary. Must have soft hands.
Salary: Tips only.

Assistant to the President for Affairs:
Primary Purpose: Arrange and supervise the president’s affairs.
Nature of the Work: Works directly with the Chief-of-the-Staff to coördinate Mr. Trump’s affairs. The job requires driving a golf cart and ensuring that no DNA evidence is left behind on the bed after the president’s visit. Must be willing to tell “white lies” to Melania and hide details of affairs from the special prosecutor.
Job Requirements: Must possess a passport for possible travel to Russia or Slovenia in the event the president requires a new wife.
Salary:  Fifty thousand Rubles per year and one case of Trump Vodka.

Ultraviolet Wand Intern
Primary Purpose:  This is a temporary one year position learning the use of an ultraviolet wand to search for DNA evidence.  Works directly with the Assistant to the President for Affairs in cleanup operations.
Job Requirements:  Must supply your own rubber gloves and breathing filters.
Salary: There is no remuneration for this position but think of the book deals!

Porn Star
Primary Purpose:  To provide sexual favors to Mr. Trump in the event the president’s wife has another child or turns forty.
Job Requirements:  Must have a large bladder and be a self-starter. Will work directly under the president in many positions, but mainly as a missionary.  May be asked to take pictures of his junk and must be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Salary:  Compensation is on a job by job basis along with a tiny tip.

Non-Disclosure Strategist
Primary Purpose:  To come up with fake names to put in non-disclosure agreements between the president and porn stars.  Past names have been Dick Redd, P.P. TIny, and Dick Hurtz.
Job Requirements:  Must be creative and be able to pay out of pocket expenses such as hush money and setting up fake shell companies. Speaking of shells, you must be a shell of a human being to work in this job.
Salary:  In-kind reimbursement, but don’t count on it.

Now that is just a sampling of the many openings now available in the Trump White House. If you don’t see anything you like, keep in mind that openings are developing every day as more and more staff are indicted. Go to Zipperrecruiter.com/PP and if you work at this White House for six months or more, you will receive guaranteed federal housing for between ten and thirty years underwritten by the Office of the Special Council. So whether you are an out of work stripper or just enjoy a golden shower now and then, do what hundreds of porn stars and Playboy Bunnies have done and check out Trump’s “Zipper”!

 

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On Monday, the Bone-Spur-In-Chief boldly proclaimed that if he were at the Parkland school he would have ended the incident himself.  “I really believe I’d run in, even if I didn’t have a weapon,” he said, safely behind a podium a thousand miles and twelve days from the tragedy. But if we go by his history, anything from an American Eagle to a very loud Coke can have him clinging like stink to a turd. So the Clown Car submitted some questions to Captain Courageous asking what he would have done in certain famous battles in history. Here are his responses:

The Barbary Wars (1801 – 1815)

Somebody just told me that this was a war with Muslims, which I would love to have but at first I read this wrong. I thought it was Bribery Wars, which I am an expert at. Believe me! Believe me!

Battle of the Alamo (February 23 – March 6, 1836)

If I was there this battle would have never happened because I never use Alamo rental cars anyway.  I have my own limo and it’s the biggest limo ever. Also, the Mexicans would never have won if my wall was there so Congress should do the right thing and build the wall. Also, Commander David Bowie would still be alive making hit records.

Battle of Hampton Roads (March 8–9, 1862)

If the roads in the Hamptons are that bad, they should pass my infrastructure bill right away.

Battle of Little Big Horn (June 25–26, 1876)

The same Indians who ambushed Gen. Custer ambushed me in 1993 when they pushed into my casino business. I lost like Custer and now everywhere you go there is a Mohegan Sun and they call me Little Tiny Horn. Ask Melania, that is not true and I think I will sue them as soon as I settle this Russian hoax.

Wounded Knee Massacre (December 29, 1890)

A wounded knee prevented me from serving in Vietnam…oh, and a bone spur! But If I went, I would have won the war all by myself and would never have been captured like John You-Know-Who who took away your great health care.

Battle of San Juan Hill (1 July 1898)

This was in the Spanish American War and that would have never happened if I was president because I would have kicked out all the Spanish before they started trouble. Build the wall!

Dolittle Raid (April 18, 1942)

Everyone knows that this was an air raid on Tokyo, but if I was there I would have followed orders and like the name says I would do little, just like I did in Vietnam.

Invasion of Normandy (June 6, 1944)

If I was there, I would have been the first to land, believe me! While everyone was going to Utah Beach or Omaha Beach I would have been in Miami Beach avoiding syphilis and gonorrhea like a brave soldier. I would have won all the medals and ribbons and got laid a lot.

Battle of the Buldge (16 December 1944 – 25 January 1945)

I would have been the best general in this battle because it was on the Western Front and honestly, I fight this battle every day because of my front. But my doctor says I am the fittest president ever and I have the biggest bulge where it counts. Believe me! Believe me!

Tet Offensive (January 30, 1968)

I love big tets and I would have been all over them them. If you don’t believe me, ask Stormy Daniels!

Battle of Hamburger Hill (May 10–20, 1969)

I eat a hamburger hill with large fries every night while I watch Fox News so this one I could handle alone!  And when I was finished it would be renamed it Big Mac Hill after the great American Gen. Ronald Macarthur.

It should be noted that for his imaginary bravery in the face of fake danger, Andy Borowitz reported in The New Yorker on Monday’s “The Borowitz Report” that,

Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.

Also, Trump has been awarded The Russian Federation Golden Shower of Valor, The Extra-Marital Affairs Award, The Purple Penis, and very soon will be given the Robert Mueller Major Indictment Recommendation. That one is for real!

 

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We have all seen Sarah Huckabee Sanders at White House press briefings.  Do you wonder why she never tells the truth?  Do you wonder if anything can be done for the chronic constipation of facts? Can anything relieve the bloating she feels by holding in the real answer to a question? Well relief may be just a sopository away with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax is proven to give gentile, overnight relief to chronic constipation of the facts and it comes in many forms.

Look, we all have a hard time passing the truth at times. Our lives are busy and the boss is often a big jerk. He does stupid things, he says stupid things, and before you know it you are out there at the podium and you are blocked. And boy, that can be painful! No matter how hard you strain, the truth just won’t come out. Well now you can get fast relief with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax works in several ways to soften the truth so you can pass it easily and get on with your lying. And Ex-fax comes in three easy applications.

For gentile, overnight relief, there is Ex-fax gelcaps. Just take two jellcaps twenty-four hours before your press conference and leave the truth in your toilet. For hard facts, try Ex-fax fact softener to make facts easier to pass. And for immediate relief, there are Ex-fax supositories that are handy when there are only minutes before you have to lie your ass off. Don’t let chronic fact constipation get in the way of your life. Get those facts out of your system and out of your way so you can lie without those facts blocking your system.

Don’t take Ex-fax if you are pregnant or may become pregnant as Ex-fax may turn you child into a liar just like you. Tell you medical professional if you develop sypmtoms such as a guilty conscience or thoughts of telling the truth. Seek immediate attention if you start blurting out that “everything he says is a big fat lie!” as this may be a sign of a job threatening reaction. And remember, keep Ex-fax handy because just because Trump is full of it, doesn’t mean you have to be.

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This week the Trump administration introduced its new budget which included a revision to the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) program. The new proposal is to replace the current food stamp program with a pre-packaged food distribution system sent directly to the recipients. Rick Mulvaney, the Marie Osmond of the White House budget office says it would work like Blue Apron, but you may even lose a little weight! You would receive a box with all the ingredients for a gourmet government meal. No more need to go to the supermarket and choose the food you want to eat. Instead, our experts at the Food and Drug Administration will scour the dumpsters of the best restaurants in the country to bring you what they think you deserve. So move over Blue Apron, here comes the new food supplement program. They call it “The Orange Middle Finger”.

The Clown Car has obtained an exclusive look at the preliminary menu for The Orange Middle Finger program:

The Breakfast Box: The kit includes,

  • One Egg (Whites only, of course)
  • A  Joni Ernst biscuit bag with some biscuit crumbs
  • Something that may have once been a slice of cheese
  • A secret sauce
  • Coffee grounds used maybe once

Directions: Beat the egg whites with the provided splinter of wood, cook over a medium trash can fire for two minutes, and melt the cheese slice over the egg. Don’t worry if the cheese slice does not melt right away because we don’t really know if it is cheese. Add the sauce, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin. If you do, seek medical attention immediately. If there is an actual biscuit in the bag, put the sandwich on it with the plastic gloves provided. If there was no biscuit, save the bag. It may come in handy a few minutes after the meal. The coffee may be brewed in the old filter the grounds are stuck to, or you may provide your own.

The Lunch Box: The kit includes,

  • Something meat
  • Beef or chicken gravy stuck to a paper plate
  • Instant potato powder with some black specks
  • A green and black vegetable
  • A juice box

Directions: Cook the meat thoroughly until everything that should not be on it burns off. Scrape the gravy off the plate and onto the meat after the meat is no longer moving. Mix the powdered potatoes with whatever liquid is available. TIP: You may use whatever is in the juice box. Heat the vegetables on the plate that had the gravy stuck to it and serve before it coagulates. If you didn’t use the juice box for the potatoes, drink with the non-corrosive straw only.

The Dinner Box: The kit includes,

  • Our choice meats collected only on American highways. Your choice of opossum, skunk, squirrel. Raccoon a dollar extra.
  • What we think is hollandaise sauce because it’s yellow
  • A lump of Au Gratin potatoes stuck to a piece of plastic
  • Asparagus (if it’s not wiggling)
  • A cigarette

Directions: Pre-heat an oven, if you have one, to 350°. Remove fur or tire fragments from the roast and bake until the internal temperature reaches 1000°.  While the roadkill is resting, heat the yellow sauce until all the lumps melt away. While the sauce is heating, pull the potatoes away from the plastic and heat along with the asparagus. Pour the yellow sauce over everything and enjoy! We recommend you smoke the cigarette within an hour of ingesting this meal.

So there’s a preview of what the Trump administration thinks our supplemental food program should look like in the future. No more food stamps, no more debit cards, and no more unnecessary trips to the supermarket. Instead, you can sit home on what John Kelly likes to call your lazy asses and get your boxed food delivered right to your door. And remember, Trump is always happy to give the poor “The Orange Middle Finger!”

Today I read that Marty Allen, one half of the 1960s comedy team of Allen and Rossi, passed away on Tuesday at the age of 95. I am sure that most who read this blog – assuming ANYONE reads this blog – would be too young to know of Mr Allen.  But in the 60s, the team of Allen and Rossi graced the stages of many variety shows, not the least of which was The Ed Sullivan Show. Their humour was very popular if not as sophisticated as Seinfeld or SNL, but they made us laugh, and that is always a good thing. But the purpose of my writing today is not to rehash the career of long-forgotten comedians. You can Google their names if you are interested in TV trivia. You see, Marty Allen and his partner, Steve Rossi occupy a special memory from my childhood.

First, some background. Growing up my parents had a special connection the Congregation of the Passion order of Catholic priests. My uncle belonged to the order, as did my mother’s high school classmate, Fr. Joseph Guzinski.  Fr. Guzinski remained very close to my mom through the years and became a missionary on the small island of Jamaica. There, he laboured among the poor and struggled to build a church and bring food and medical care to the forgotten people in the mountains of that resort island. There was desperate poverty but Fr. Dunstan brought hope everywhere he went. My parents supported him with fund drives, medical supplies, and sponsorships. One was a Chinese-Jamaican exchange student who lived with my family when she attended Marywood College here in Scranton.  Fr. Dunstan was very good at spotting talent and Violet received his first scholarship and my first childhood crush. Alas, at 11 years old, the best I could hope for was to be her little brother.

 

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Fr. Dunstan and me

 

 

Fr. Dunstan was also good at promoting his causes and two of his most faithful partners in his missionary work was the comedy team of Marty Allen and Steve Rossi.  Through their popularity and generosity, they helped fund father’s many projects to alleviate the poverty in the mountains of Jamaica. Fr. Dunstan had an ear for music as well as academic excellence, and two of his children from the mission had talent that he insisted needed a boost. Regretfully, I no longer remember their names, but one played the concert piano and the other had the voice of an angel.

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Fr. Dunstan and his talented proteges

So Fr. Dunstan asked Allen and Rossi to help them out any way they could. What they came up with was better than anyone could have hoped for: A spot on the Ed Sullivan Show, the same studio where the greatest acts of their age appeared. Through their contacts in the industry, Allen and Rossi made these two poor Jamaican young men’s dream come true. They appeared on American TV on the biggest variety show at the time. I only met the young men briefly at my home as they were on the way to New York for the show, accompanied by my parents and Fr. Dunstan. That Sunday night, they met Allen and Rossi at the theatre and I watched at home as our “hometown” talent became stars for the night.  And all this was made possible through the kindness of two celebrities who shared their good fortune with the less fortunate.

Fr. Dunstan passed away in 2016. My parents have also left me with only their memories. So today, when I read Marty Allen’s obituary in the New York Times, I shed a few tears. Some for my lost childhood, and some for the kindness of this wonderful stranger.

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Allen and Rossi