The Clown Car Update for November 15, 2020

There was big news this week. No, not that Joe Biden finally ended our national nightmare. Not that they delivered a truckload of depends to the White House. The big news was the premiere this week of PlayStation Five! But that was not even the biggest news. PlayStation Five has a new game that is raging all over the gammer world: “Stop the Trump.”

“Stop the Trump” follows the presidency of Donald Trump and the goal is to save the United States from total destruction. As the players move up the levels they are given various weapons to try to save the republic.

Level One: As Donald Trump descends the golden escalator, the players have to try to stop him from announcing that he is running for president. The players must help Mexican drug lords jump over the Mexican border who will try to trip him and make him fall down the steps. If a player collects five drug lords, they get to control Melania and she will happily push Trump herself. If a player succeeds in having Melania push Trump down the steps, that player proceeds to Level Two.

Level Two: Trump has survived the fall and is in the Republican primaries. The players use Trump’s opponents to try to stop him from getting the nomination. Each time Trump sticks a stupid nickname on an opponent they are eliminated. L’il Marco, boom! Low Energy Jed, boom! Lyin’ Ted, boom. Once all his opponents are humiliated, Lindsey Graham attaches himself to Trump’s ass and forces the game to Level Three.

Level Three: Trump has the nomination and the only one who can stop him from becoming president is Hillary Clinton. She is very strong, but watch out! Trump calls her Crooked Hillary and she is weakened. As the summer and fall proceed, Hillary gets stronger mostly because Trump cannot use the English language or form complete sentences. Hillary gets stronger and stronger with the debates and Access Hollywood tapes. But watch out! Vladimir Putin hits Hillary in the head with a brick of emails just as The Comey Letter falls on Hillary crushing her. Trump wins and we proceed to Level Four.

Level Four: The world is in chaos. Trump is banning Muslims and pissing on allies like a Russian hooker. Try to slow him down with lawsuits and finally try to crunch him with The Mueller Report. But watch out for Bill Barr! He BLOCKS the report and Trump gets stronger. Nancy Pelosi steps in and impeaches his ass but fifty-two senators attach their lips to his ass and drag him past the finish line to acquittal! BUT WAIT! What is that coughing and sneezing we hear? It’s a PANDEMIC. Trump is on the run and begins throwing bleach at the players who have to follow the ultraviolet light and get to Level Five and Election Day!

Level Five: It’s Donald Trump versus Joe Biden. And don’t get caught in the crossfire because the insults are flying. But watch out Donald, there’s a virus with your name on it and you got it! Boom! In the hospital with you while Joe just rolls along. But Donald comes back and tries to win the election by killing his own followers. As election night progresses it looks like a red mirage but hold on! Here comes the blue shift! More and more states turn blue, and Joe is declared the winner! Trump refuses to concede but the writing is on Steve Kornacki’s magic wall and it flashes in bright blue letters…

GAME OVER!

The Clown Car Update for November 8, 2020

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today, November 8, 2020, is the anniversary of your hiring and marks marks the end of your probationary period. The people of the United States have reviewed your job performance over that time and has considered you for retention as an employee of our organization. Attached is a copy of that review. The rating scale for each category is Excellent (10 points), Good (6 points), Needs improvement (1 point), and Holy Shit What the Fuck Were We Thinking When We Hired You? (0 points). Attached is a copy of that review:

• Job Knowledge: During the past four years, you have not demonstrated the slightest hint that you know anything about why you were hired. You have the I.Q. of a table lamp and not nearly as bright. You have resisted every attempt to train you in the most basic functions of the job and on many occasions had to be told to stop using Twitter during training sessions. You have demonstrated the attention span of a common housefly and the intellectual curiosity of an empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Incidentally, we have repeatedly asked you to remove your empty buckets from the break room. And did we mention the fucking Tweeting? (0) points.
• Work Quality: When we hired you, you took an oath to help make our organization great. Over the last four years, your dismal work habits have caused the organization to go into record debt and insulted our most valued customers. In addition, you have often been caught giving organization secrets to our competitors. In fact, some of your fellow employees have suspected that you actually work for our competitors. During your interim evaluation, you were warned that bringing your children to work and allowing them to play with company equipment has caused billions of dollars in damage. Eric alone caused this company four million dollars in repair bills when he stuck his tongue into one of our computer servers. (0) points.
• Work Relations: During your last four years we have provided you with staff in an effort to assist you in your job. As a result, the organization has experienced the largest turnover of employees ever experienced during a four year period. Some of them have even shown up on milk cartons. One described you as “the most flawed person I have ever met in my life.” Most just said you sucked. (0) points.
• Attendance: You have been employed for 1,385 days. In that time you have spent 283 days golfing and cost the organization $142,000,000 in green fees. That leaves 1102 days during which you were caught a total of 1100 days watching Fox News on your computer. Basically, you were never really here. (0) points
• Overall Rating: Congratulations! You are the first employee to occupy this job to earn zero points on an employee evaluation. The closest to you was Richard Nixon who at least scored a point for quitting voluntarily.
  
  The attached employee performance review was forwarded to our board of directors on November 3, 2020. The board carefully considered your evaluation and the comments from your supervisors. After three days of careful consideration, the board has reached a conclusion: YOU’RE FIRED!

The Clown Car Update for November 1, 2020

The next exciting Trump rally is over one hundred miles away and you don’t have a car, possibly missing your last chance to inhale the infected droplets from a fat old man screaming “lock her up!” How will you get there, you wonder, pacing up and down like a Russian hooker with a full bladder. Well, just relieve yourself on that Trump poster and relax because MAGA Coach Lines in partnership with One Way Ticket Solutions has a solution. We are now offering bus trips to all the Trump super-spreader events in a recently fumigated motorcoach for the low, low price of seven hundred and fifty dollars. That’s right, for the price of Trump’s tax bill you can be on your way to a MAGA rally with all your deplorable friends. Here’s what you get to make your super-spreader experience the best ever:

• A ticket for a ride to the event in an enclosed bus with most of its windows intact. If you are sensitive to drafts, we will try to seat you on the aisle. If aisle space is not available, we will provide plastic sheeting but you must provide your own duct tape.
• Discount rental of folding chairs. Unfortunately, our motor coaches have had their original seats removed due to a recent bedbug infestation. Please reserve your folding chair when you call for your tickets as supplies are limited.
• Individualized urine collection bottles for trips of more than two hours. Our restrooms have recently been ordered closed by the Department of Health and the Department of Transportation pending an investigation of a still unidentified rash experienced by several of our passengers.
• A boxed lunch. We don’t know when it was boxed or if it is actually lunch, but it does have something that was once edible in a probably never opened container. Bon appétit!
• A discount coupon for 10% off an intubation and Clorox treatment.

Hurry and make your reservations now because there are only two days left to experience the spray of COVID-19 shouted by your favorite cult leader. And remember, as with everything with Donald Trump, this trip only goes one way!

The Clown Car Update for October 25, 2020

Are you a Trump staffer looking at that dumpster fire outside that is the Trump campaign? Are you wondering where you will get a paycheck next year? Are you a Trump family member wondering if you can make a living on eBay selling the silverware and china you have stolen over the last four years? Are you a Russian hooker wondering whose sheets you will be wetting in 2021? Well, fret no more because the Clown Car Update has been looking out for business opportunities for former Trump associates to make the transition from government-paid grifter to private-sector ex-felon as easy as we can. Introducing the Re-employment Agency for Trump Survivors or R.A.T.S. Explore some of the fabulous employment opportunities waiting for you as soon as you are deloused. Here is what R.A.T.S. has to offer.

For those closest to Donald Trump (no, we are not talking to you, Eric or Tiffany) R.A.T.S. has family opportunities to fit your experience in the White House. For daughters and sons-in-law, we have job openings in retail door-to-door vacuum cleaner sales. No experience in vacuum sales you say? Well, don’t worry because you have been sucking at your job for four years! And if Hoover sales are not your thing, Duluth Trading Company is looking for test subjects for their no-stink underwear. We are looking at you, Jared, because no one stinks in that White House more than you!

And let’s not forget the rest of the kids while we are at it. For Tiffany, R.A.T.S. thinks you would be perfect for the re-boot of the hit series “Lost.” And for Don Jr. and Eric, there is entertainment in your future too anytime a movie set is in need of lamp posts. Finally, Melania and Barron can be starring in the upcoming series “Divorce Court: First Family Edition.”

And for the rest of the crew, don’t despair because R.A.T.S. has opportunities for even the lowliest of the ex-Trumpers. For example, arthritis pain relief medications are looking for spokespersons for their empty jar guarantee. And no one is more of an empty jar than you, Kaleigh McEnany! And Scott Atlas, your herd immunity theory may have made you the perfect subject for Big Pharma’s Leper colony blind study.

So don’t despair ex-Trumpers, R.A.T.S. is here for you making your transition back to legitimate employment as pain-free as possible. So act now because the ship is sinking fast and November 3 is right around the corner. Just jump off the ship and say “I’m with R.A.T.S.!”

The Clown Car Update for October 18, 2020

With the presidential election only days away, and the Super-Spreader-in-Chief is holding rallies every day, demanding that his followers drink the Flavor Aid du jour, COVID-19. If you are one of his followers, there is a danger besides the virus that you should be aware of before attending one of these super-spreader events. That is, the very real danger that a member of the fake news will ask you a reasonable question, like “why the hell would you risk your health and that of your family just to see a two-bit huckster throw bullshit at you faster than a Russian hooker can wet a bedsheet?”

Let’s face it. At best you end up blathering about your “freedoms” or “America” or just how Trump “just tells it like it is!” But most of the time you either whistle some nonsense through the two teeth you have left or just stand there making unintelligible grunting sounds. All the Wild Turkey in the world can never take the embarrassment away. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore. Just download the Clown Car Update’s new app, Algorithm for Rallygoers to Sound Educated or A.R.S.E.

Just download our A.R.S.E. app and start sounding like you finished fourth grade before your sixteenth birthday. For example, when a reporter asks if you believe in the COVID-19 virus, instead of answering “I don’t see no virus, do you?” just talk through your A.R.S.E. and it comes out “I follow the Science!” Or, if a reporter asks you why you love Trump so much instead of “‘murica!” just talk through your A.R.S.E. and it comes out “I like some of his tax policies.”

So go to that next MAGA rally and answer those fake news reporters without having to wear a bib. Don’t drool your way through the interview, just turn on your phone, download the app and do what all the MAGA people are doing and just talk straight out of your A.R.S.E.!

The Clown Car Update for October 11, 2020

Now more than ever, with a global pandemic reaching all the way into the White House and a pending Supreme Court case that may finally rid America of the scourge of Obamacare you need the best coverage ever. That is why during open enrollment time the Trump Administration, in conjunction with the former medical department at Trump University has a special offer for you. It is President Trump’s long awaited medical plan called Supplemental Coverage for Retired Executives and Workers or S.C.R.E.W.

This is no ordinary health care plan. This plan was designed after the exceptional care standards that President Trump himself received when he recently dominated the COVID-19 virus. Now, not everyone can have the physical stamina of President Trump. But you now can have a health care plan that guarantees that when you catch COVID-19, and you will, you will have almost the same treatment given to the Super Spreader-in-Chief. Here’s what S.C.R.E.W. offers:

• Access to the most advanced treatments known to eradicate COVID-19. These drugs include Clorox bleach therapy, Lysol injections, and ultraviolet enemas. And remember, we have access to the largest stockpile of hydroxychloroquine and oleander in the world!
• Access to the finest medical staff still pending trial in the world. All our in-network doctors have pleaded not guilty or have settled out of court so you can be assured of the same medical treatment given to asylum seekers awaiting trial in Texas. And our in-network medical staff will lie to your relatives about your prognosis and give the rosiest spin during your final hours.
• Free rides to your medical appointments or in case of emergency. Although we can’t land Marine-1 in your back yard, S.C.R.E.W. offers free ride-sharing if you drive to the hospital with at least one other suspected COVID-19 patient. And of course, face masks are always optional.
• Free home delivery of meals including McDonald’s, Burger King, Taco Bell, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Unfortunately, we can no longer offer delivery of Godfather’s Pizza due to the expiration of our contract and the CEO.
• Free nursing visits through our newly negotiated contract with the Mildred Ratched Nursing Service.

So act now because the window is closing fast on the enrollment period. Also, if President Trump has his way, the enrollment period on Obamacare will close forever. President Trump wants everyone to benefit from this remarkable health care plan and as he has told America many times when it comes to health care, he wants to S.C.R.E.W. you!

The Clown Car Update for October 4, 2020

Does the IRS have you under audit for the last ten years? Do you owe them hundreds of millions of dollars in back taxes you can never pay? Worse yet, is paying hush money to Vladimir Putin draining your fast-food budget faster than a Russian hooker’s bladder? Well, you don’t have to spend your life soiling your Depends every time someone brings you a copy of the New York Times. Relief is here. Come over to the accounting firm of Steele, Cash, and Hyde and we will take care of all your tax avoidance needs.

Don’t spend any more sleepless nights tossing and turning worrying about which newspaper or disgruntled relative will expose you for the broken failure you really are. Instead, stay awake Tweeting insults to all your imaginary enemies, and let us stay up cooking your books like a McDonald’s deep fryer. At Steele, Cash, and Hyde we specialize in all aspects of tax evasion and wire fraud. A few of our services include:

• Federal tax avoidance
• State and local tax avoidance
• Money laundering
• Secret porn star payoffs
• Non-disclosure agreement payoffs
• Double and triple bookkeeping
• Employee payroll avoidance
• Bank fraud

And if you are audited by the IRS or worse yet, asked to release your tax returns when running for president, our staff of professional Republican excuse-generators will lie for you and quickly duck into an elevator pretending to be late for a meeting. Plus, our legal staff is packed with disbarred attorneys and convicted former Trump advisors ready to avoid subpoenas and tie up your case in endless legal appeals.

So visit one of our convenient mobile locations at abandoned parking lots in most major cities. Our vans are constantly moving to keep your secrets safe and avoid being served pesky subpoenas. Just give us a twenty-four-hour notice and we will arrange to be somewhere for a free consultation. And while you’re there, we will treat you to a free hair cut, a $70,000 value absolutely free!

So throw your tax cares to the wind like you did your COVID-19 response and let Steele, Cash, and Hyde take care of all your tax avoidance needs. Because like you, Mr. President, at Steele, Cash, and Hyde cheating is a way of life!

The Clown Car Update for September 27, 2020

To hear Donald Trump tell it, Armageddon has begun and only he stands between the American Dream and total annihilation. And as the “mobs” and “thugs” of Donald’s hellscape come for you and your White Privilege, they have no limits on the methods they will use to destroy our beautiful white country. They will come at you with water bottles, soup cans, or any other projectile they can carry (except a brick, which Donald has declared too heavy to throw). But this week, Trump identified the newest and most deadly of all weapons ever devised by the rioters in your city, namely cans of tuna. At a COVID-19 Super Spreader event this week, Trump came up with this news:

Cans of tuna fish. They go out and buy tuna fish and soup. You know that, right?…Because they throw it. It’s the perfect weight, tuna fish, they can really rip it, right? And that hits you. No, it’s true. Bumble Bee brand tuna.

So not to be undone by Bumble Bee, the Clown Car Update introduces its own brand of weaponized tuna, “AnarKist.” That’s right, why buy Bumble Bee tuna when for the same price you can get weaponized tuna ready to throw (or eat) at your next attempted takeover of a white American neighborhood. We pack our tuna cans with the freshest catch and ship it to you free faster than a Russian hooker can wet a bedsheet. Don’t be caught defenseless with a can of tuna that can slip out of your grip just as you try to throw it at a MAGA hat. Our cans have an ergonomic design with finger grips ready made for a riot or just making your grandmother’s delicious casserole recipe. Either way, you can depend on the quality of “AnarKist” tuna whether on your dinner table or at your next attempted coup. And remember as our mascot Chuck the Tuna says:

If you’re not chucking “AnarKist”, your a Chicken of the Sea!

The Clown Car Update for September 20, 2020

It is the greatest scourge of our generation. It came out of nowhere and now affects the lives of every citizen if the Unites States. Our efforts to control it have met with only limited success as the threat grows larger by the day. As a result, we have been forced to stay in our homes most of the time and literally risk our lives every time we have to go out for basic necessities. Yes, I am speaking of the spreading menace His Excellency Donald J. Trump warned us about this week of exploding trees.

We’ve all seen the disturbing reports in the media. Peaceful people going about their daily lives suddenly stricken by the violent blast of a blue spruce or the sudden ignition of a mighty oak. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Experts at the FDA, the Forest Detonation Administration, tell us here at the Clown Car that there are steps we can take to mitigate the risk and bend the curve of self-immolating vegetation. These simple steps can save lives and keep us safe until science can find a safe and effective fire-retardant to rid us of this menace. According to Dr. Ima Redwood, the director of the FDA, simple steps taken now can save lives. Here are some simple steps to keep you and your loved ones safe:

• Shelter in place when possible. If you have any small trees in your home, remove them immediately by first using a fire extinguisher or some other flame retardant to reduce exposure. If none is available, pissing on the tree like a Russian hooker can be effective.
• If you must go out, wear a mask or face covering of some kind. According to Dr. Redwood, mask-wearing is the most effective way to avoid the sudden rush of smoke and ash you experience when your neighbor’s acorns explode into deadly firey projectiles.
• If you must go out into situations where you will potentially come in contact with an exploding conifer, make sure you maintain a distance of at least six feet from shrubbery of any kind. Studies have shown that heat and ash quickly dissipate the farther you are from the offending timber.
• If you must go near a tree, take it’s temperature first. If it is more than four-hundred fifty degrees Fahrenheit, isolate the tree and make sure you trace any contact that tree had with any other trees or shrubbery. This will reduce community forest spread.
• Although little saplings seem immune from combusting like their adult counterparts, they can be carriers of the accelerant. So when these little ones come home from the nursery, be sure to keep them away from older trees, especially trees that are over sixty-five years old or have a pre-existing condition like powdery mildew or leaf spots.

And as fall approaches, the tree explosion threat will naturally increase as we spend more time raking leaves and then coming indoors. Also, maintain common sense hygiene practices like spraying rakes with flame retardant and washing your feet for at least the time it takes to recite Joyce Kilmer’s poem “Trees.” So until science can develop a widely available flame-retardant, follow Forest Detonation Administration guidelines for risk mitigation. Remember, when it comes to tree explosions, their bite is much worse than their bark.

The Clown Car Update for September 13, 2020

Who is pulling Joe Biden’s strings? That was the big question when Laura “Eva Braun” Ingraham interviewed a dementia-ravaged lunatic also known as the Conspirator-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump. And this interview was epic for Donald because he has uncovered so many plots against him launched from the “shadows” that Willam Barr had to put the full force of the Justice Department in search of black-cloaked men “fully geared up!” on a certain flight from a certain city!

Needless to say, all this attention on the Antifa squad is making travel very difficult for anarchists and trouble-makers of all stripes to move around the country to deliver their lethal fusillade of soup bags on unsuspecting MAGAs. So, as always, the Clown Car to the rescue. Announcing the brand new airline, Antifa Air, the way to get to your protest destination with all your soup cans and Improvised Epicurian Delights or IED’s. So gear up and come aboard because we will fly you there.

We offer flexible ticket pricing so we can fit any anarchist budget:

First Class: Our first-class seating includes soup can holders for each passenger as well as internet connectivity. So stretch out in our luxurious reclining seats and don’t miss a single manifesto. Stay in touch with George Soros, Hillary Clinton, AOC, other Antifa leaders. And First Class seating includes in-flight meals prepared by our world-famous satanic chefs. Bon appetite!

Business Class: Our business class seating affords you the flexibility to change destinations mid-flight in case you need to attend an emergency meeting with your soup suppliers at an undisclosed pizza shop somewhere in a radical left city. Antifa Air knows how important it is to keep your soup supply lines flowing. You never want to depend on throwing bricks because as President Trump has indicated, you can’t throw a brick. It’s too heavy but a can of soup, you can really put some power into that!

Coach: With COVID-19 we are all on a tight budget and Atifa Air is sensitive to your need to get to your protest on time to deliver your barrage of soup. Coach is the way to go. We offer unlimited destinations for Coach because we never land for coach customers. Instead, we drop you from our cargo bay with world-class parachutes for both you and up to five bags of soup. So take advantage of our Coach Class and rain in on your next protest like a Russian hooker!

So put on your black-ops tees, pack your soup slingshots, and slip on your ski masks because Antifa Air will get you there. And we take all major credit cards and will cash George Soros checks. And remember our motto: At Antifa Air, we deliver the soup!”