
Like an outbreak of shingles, Matt Gaetz just refuses to go away quietly. He’s a painful rash that keeps you up at night itching and burning. This week, new reporting from CNN detailed the parties that the congressman attended that included cocaine, ecstasy, and worst of all, sex with Matt Gaetz. The parties would often occur after an official Republican event with the attendees still wearing their formal wear. Yes, these parties had everything except Russian hookers pissing on Matt’s cummerbund (sorry Donald). According to the report, “the first thing some of the women were asked to do when they got to the house was to put away their cellphones.” After all, even for money, who wants to be recorded having sex with Matt Gaetz? But previously undiscovered recordings from these parties were leaked exclusively to the Clown Car Update. Thankfully they were not video recordings so no one on our staff was injured in reporting this event. What the recording does reveal is the pick-up lines Matt Gaetz used when trolling the women at these mini-orgies. According to the women, he loved to talk about politics! So here is a sample from the recordings:
I always get the swinger vote.
You know what they say, big forehead, big…
You’re quite a pretty little filly. would you like to see my filly-buster?
My seat in Congress expires in two years but your seat won’t quit!
I surveyed the room and you won my “pole!”
I pass bills in Congress. Can I pass you an STD?
I’m open to anything, babes. I’m bicameral!
No, that’s not my pocket Constitution. I’m just glad to see you!
Believe me, I’m no lame duck!
No need for birth control with me, baby. I have a great exit “pole.”
I’d love to tickle your cloture.
I’d love to stuff your ballot box!
Just wait until you see my discharge petition!
Come over to my place and I’ll show you my Majority Whip!
So are you into backbenchers?
This is just a sample of the hundreds of lines that were on the recording. Some of them are not work-friendly. But the one pickup line we would love to hear is someone saying, “you have the right to remain silent!”