Polls released on Thursday suggest Trump is in serious trouble. Yes, he is losing to Joe Biden and in a BIGLY way! If the election were held today, he would lose in a landslide. The polls, conducted by The New York Times and Siena College, show Trump trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by double digits in Michigan (Biden +11), Wisconsin (Biden +11) and Pennsylvania (Biden+ 10) and by mid-single digits in North Carolina (Biden +9), Arizona (Biden +7) and Florida (Biden +6).

But here at the Clown Car Update we always look for the story behind the polls and when we did, we found some good news for Donnie. When you drill down into the numbers in the surveys, he does have some significant advantages with some demographics. So let’s look at the numbers behind the numbers. Here are the main categories where Trump has a sizable lead and Joe Biden has a lot of catching up to do.

White non-college-educated alien abductees: Trump leads this group by a whopping 80-15 percent, with the remaining five percent are unsure if the aliens have really been returned them to their home planet since they can’t believe that Trump would ever be elected on the real Earth.

Male Suburban stalkers: This group is especially dedicated to Trump as reflected in the polling data. By a 98-2 percent margin, sexual creeps, flashers, peeping-toms, and general perverts are supporting Trump. The two percent who are not supporting Trump will be writing in Rudy Guiliani.

The COVID-19 virus: By a whopping 100-0 percent, the novel coronavirus is for Trump mostly because of his no-mask policy which has given it the freedom to spread as guaranteed in the Constitution. Also, this group hopes to infect Trump someday.

Russian Hookers: By a 99-1 percent margin, this group is willing to piss away their vote for Trump. The one percent claims he gave her a urinary tract infection.

Eunuchs: They have a hard time finding thier penis too!

White males with less than five teeth: By a 95-5 margin, these groups will climb over the mountain of tire rims in their front yard to give Trump a big “ten-four” for a second term. Five percent plan to lose their remaining teeth by election day.

Despite all the good news for Joe Biden in the latest polls, these demographics present a real challenge for him in November. So let’s not take anything for granted because if you don’t vote, you’re going to feel like Louie Gohmert at a Mensa convention.

It’s the tell-all book that everyone has been anticipating for months. The book reveals the secrets of the most powerful man in the world written by the only one who had a birds-eye view for it all. From a front-row seat that witnessed the most memorable events of our time comes “The Head Where It Happened: A Hairpiece’s Memoir,” by the wig that sits on the president’s head. While this book is currently the subject of a lawsuit filed by Trump and his Hairdresser General. several copies have been leaked to the press and of course to the Clown Car Update. And the revelations are, well, hair-raising!

While the White House barbers went over this transcript with a fine-tooth comb to remove the greasiest parts, the author still managed to shock us with no hair-splitting. So put aside your political biases because whether you part your hair on the left, right, or right down the center, this book spills all the dandruff of truth all over Trump’s dark blue suit of lies. Here are some of the excerpts to tease your curiosity:

April 30, 2011: It was a packed room at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner and the lump of orange flesh under me was so hot I thought I might start curling. You might call it a bad hair night. From the podium, President Obama was having his way with Donald like a Russian hooker with a full bladder. From my vantage point atop his bulbous head, I could smell his spray tan melting. After the dinner, he left in such a rush that he left me behind. Luckily I caught a ride with Rand Paul’s hair.

November 9, 2013: Here we were at the Miss Universe Pagent and what a day. Bad enough I got seasick from Donald’s head bouncing up and down looking through the peepholes he had drilled into the wall of the contestants’ dressing room. But that night the floodgates opened, literally. Just when I thought we would be leaving, these Russian girls walked into fat man’s room and began to piss all over me. He seemed to like it and worked me into a lather. I heard them saying in Russian lather, rinse, spank, repeat.

Singapore, June 12, 2018: It was the biggest photo-op of the century. I was combed and sprayed so that even a North Korean nuclear test couldn’t make me move. All went well until we got to the private meeting between Kim and Donald. After some cordial banter, Trump asked through the interpreter if Kim wanted to swap wigs. JESUS! Luckily, Kim declined because he heard of the Moscow incident. Lucky for me because I heard rumors that he had his last hairdo executed by anti-aircraft missiles. Oh, and there are the lice.

And that’s only a small sample of the shocking revelations that will make your hair stand on end. Stories of porn stars using Trump’s wig to spank him to Putin hiding a camera in the fluffy Buffon. But the book does end on a note of hope. Trump’s wig does not believe he will win re-election and that is what we can all agree is a great split-end!

I know there are five months before the 2020 Presidential election and way too early to predict who will win. But no matter who wins, it’s not too early to start planning the Trump Presidential Library. Whether in one year or four, there will have to be a place to commemorate the Trump years and what most unlikely place as a library. But in the view of the secret panel that is planning the library, it will be more of a museum than a library owing to the lack of documents due to the shredding of evidence during the last four years. But in a Clown Car exclusive, the secret plans have been leaked and we can now give you a virtual tour of the facility that is tentatively named “Trump’s Alternative Facts Presidential Library.” Here then is a preview of the exhibits planned for the museum:

The Russian Room: Here you are greeted by an android Vladimir Putin who will guide you through the experience of rigging the 2016 presidential election. See an animated reenactment of Russian Troll Farms in action, the Kremlin’s celebration on election night, and for an extra fee, you can have a special viewing of the Pee-Pee Tape. Afterward, you will be provided a barf bag and twenty minutes to recover.

The Golden Shower Room: Here you can experience a simulated presidential Golden Shower as experienced by Donald J. Trump at the 2013 Miss Universe Pagent. Immerse yourself in a spray of yellow with the provided raincoat and shower cap. And don’t worry, it’s not real pee, it’s lemonade, so drink up! And if you wish, one of Trump’s original Russian hookers will personally autograph your complimentary souvenir bedsheet.

The Hall of Porn Stars: Greeted by Stormy Daniels herself, you will be able to view all the original checks signed by Trump himself to pay off his hookers before the 2016 election. Also on display is the actual Trump Magazine that Stormy used to spank his fat ass. As you leave the Hall of Porn Stars, Stormy will distribute sterling silver mushrooms commemorating her memories of Donnie’s anatomy.

The Hall of Scams: Trump Steaks, Trump Airline, Trump Casinos, Trump Wine. They are all here. Just walk up through the replica Sharper Image store and relax in one of the massage chairs and enjoy a steak, some wine, and a Chapter Eleven filing. And before you leave, for an extra fee, be sure to sign up for Trump University 2.0. Just don’t forget to sign the non-disclosure agreement before leaving.

The Hall of Whiteness: Yes, here visitors can bask in their white privilege while viewing the glory days of the confederacy. And a special favorite of President Trump’s is the life story of one of his confederate heroes Braxton Bragg, the general who spent the entire Civil War running away from the Union Army. Considered the worst general in the confederacy, he was later honored by having a fort named after him. As a reminder, this is one of the most popular exhibits in the Trump Alternative Facts Presidential Library so, please observe proper social distancing and keep your hoods on at all times.

And what would be a museum if there wasn’t a wonderful gift shop? And the Trump Alternative Facts Presidential Library does not disappoint. From authentic cages used to imprison immigrant children, actual tear gas canisters used in the Lafayette Park riot, to replica confederate monuments to adorn your next Klan meeting, this gift shop has it all. And don’t leave without your complimentary bottle of hydroxychloroquine just in case that Clorox cure didn’t help.

And remember, presidential libraries are the best way to remember ex-presidents and that sooner we put an “ex” in front of Trump’s name the better!

We know it’s hard to be president of the United States. During these days of raging pandemics, economic collapse, and racial tensions, you need a source of comfort and solace. As you grow depressed by self-isolation, missing the comfort of friends, loved ones, and raw-dogging porn stars, you long for a word of hope, the touch of Republican Senators’ lips on your ass, or just the soothing relief of a warm golden shower. Well, don’t just turn off the White House lights and hide (oops, sorry, inspect) your bunker. The Clown Car Update wants you to find the comfort you need. So, from the people who brought you “The Bible Pillow” and “The MAGA Motorist Red Book” comes “Ivanka Trump’s Gucci Bible.”

“Ivanka Trump’s Gucci Bible” fits easily in your daughter Ivanka’s designer bag so as you stroll toward your place of photo-op, you never need to carry that heavy word-of-god thing in your hands. Besides, just touching that thing burns your finger tips. So just keep that Gucci bible in her handbag until just the right moment and then reach for it and whip it out just like your mushroom with Stormy Daniels. And don’t worry about grabbing at Ivanka. She’s been used to you grabbing at her since she was twelve.

So move over Gutenberg because Gucci is here to take away the sting of missing your hookers and having to spend every fucking night with your family. Just read a passage from the flash-bang grenade that is the word of God. Just listen to some of these comforting passages:

The Fourth Book of Kings, Ch.2: And [Elijah] went up from thence to Bethel: and as he was going up, little boys came out of the city and mocked him, saying: Go up, thou bald head; go up thou bald head. And looking back, he saw them, and cursed them in the name of the Lord: and there came forth two bears out of the forest, and tore of them two and forty boys. 

That’s right, those kids made fun of Elijah’s bald head just like those protesters in Lafayette Park are making fun of your comb-over. They would really learn a lesson if a couple of bears came out from behind the White House fence and mauled them to pieces! But wait! You have some military police to maul those motherfuckers with batons and pepper spray. That’s right, beat them to a pulp and move them out of the way in the name of God!

Exodus, Ch. 33: And again [God] said: Behold there is a place with me, and thou shalt stand upon the rock. And when my glory shall pass, I will set thee in a hole of the rock, and protect thee with my right hand, till I pass:  And I will take away my hand, and thou shalt see my back parts: but my face thou canst not see.

The lesson here, Mr. President, is that, like God’s hand, Bill Barr’s thugs will protect you while you walk to St. John’s Church for a photo-op. And then when it’s all over, Barr will take away the thugs so everyone can kiss your ass.

The Gospel According to St. Matthew, Ch.21: And in the morning, returning into the city, he was hungry. And seeing a certain fig tree by the wayside, he came to it, and found nothing on it but leaves only, and he saith to it: May no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And immediately the fig tree withered away. 

You see Mr. President, when Jesus was hungry and that fig tree had no figs to give, like most people in this country have no more fucks to give, he just killed it. Oh, and let that be a lesson to that Uber Eats delivery boy who got your breakfast order wrong!

So, Mr. President, take that stroll to St. John’s Church amid the sweet smell of tear gas and pepper spray. And when the time is right, grab for Ivanka’s handbag and hold that thing up high for everyone to see. No, not her vibrator, the “Ivanka Trump’s Gucci Bible.” It’s the dictator’s thing to do. How do we know, “Ivanka Trump’s Gucci Bible,” tells us so!

There is trouble in paradise. Yes, as was bound to happen even to the most blissful of couples, the conflict has erupted. And as it stands now, this divorce looks like it will get ugly. I refer to the now rocky marriage between Donald Trump and Larry the Twitter Bird. Apparently, Larry has had enough and this week decided to start fact-checking Donnie, something Lord Cheeto hates worse than a Russian hooker with a urinary tract infection. So to escalate the situation, Donnie filed for divorce in the form of an executive order against Larry. That really pissed off Larry, who contacted the Clown Car Update to set the record straight on the many Tweets he let go by over the years. Here are some of the most outrageous Tweets Larry wished he had commented on:

“I would like to extend my best wishes to all, even the haters and losers, on this special date, September 11th.”…September 11, 2013
Larry’s comment: That’s right, he always looked fondly on that day in 2001 when he bragged that after the fall of the Twin Towers, he had the tallest building in Manhatten. Newsflash: nothing else on him is very big!

“It makes me feel so good to hit “sleazebags” back — much better than seeing a psychiatrist (which I never have!)”November 19, 2012
Larry’s Comment: Truth be told, he was turned down by every doctor in the American Psychiatric Association. Their official diagnosis was “Are you fucking kidding!?”

“The electoral college is a disaster for a democracy.”November 6, 2012
Larry’s comment: He’s absolutely right!

An ‘extremely credible source’ has called my office and told me that @BarackObama‘s birth certificate is a fraud.“…August 6, 2012
Larry’s Comment: Donnie claimed that when he held an empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken up to his ear he could hear an “extremely credible source.”

“We should be focusing on beautiful, clean air & not on wasteful & very expensive GLOBAL WARMING bullshit! China & others are hurting our air”…December 15, 2013
Larry’s Comments: Speaking of hurting the air, every day after Donnie’s breakfast burrito the Oval Office was designated a Superfund site.

“The polls have shown that DEAD PEOPLE voted for President Obama overwhelmingly and without hesitation – he must be doing something right!”November 18, 2013
Larry’s Comment: Dead people are not to be confused with the zombies who show up at his rallies.

I can’t believe Apple isn’t moving faster to create a larger iPhone screen. Bring back Steve Jobs!“...July 24, 2014
Larry’s Comment: Trump always complained that he could never enjoy PornHub.com when the iPhone screen kept cutting off the good parts. Also, he meant to say “Bring back Steve Apple!”

Despite the bitter breakup, Larry the Twitter Bird is not demanding a huge settlement. And he certainly had made it clear that Donald can retain custody of Eric. The only thing Larry is asking for is what every bird in every park in the world would want: A statue of Donald Trump. Splat!

This week, Donald J. Trump, stable genius and Professor Emeritus of Medicine at Trump University School of Alchemy, announced that he has self-prescribed hydroxychloroquine to ward off COVID-19 and mail-in voting by Democrats. The reason, he said, was a letter he received from a person claiming to be a doctor from Westchester, New York who claimed to have hundreds of patients on the drug. Well, we here at the Clown Car are not without the fake, half-baked medical knowledge and are very happy to share it. So we asked our resident physicians Drs. Youshud Panic and Deborah Gulpit to pen an open letter to the president with their recommendations based on their experience with suspect remedies for COVID-19 prevention. Here then is their letter:

Dear Supreme Potentate,

We know you are a very busy man trying to find people to blame for the pandemic while keeping up with your cable news viewing and blame Tweeting, but please take a minute to read our letter. Recently we have noticed that you have not been completely lucid and have been hallucinating about things like Obamagate and being a healthy weight. Knowing that you have recently been exposed to the COVID-19 virus by your personal valet and maybe a Russian hooker or two, we want to be assured that you are safe and protected. Our concern is not only for the security of our great country but also out of concern for the late-night comedy shows. You may not realize it but there is an entire cottage industry built around you and the really freaky things you say and Tweet. And with the economy tanking faster than you write checks to porn stars, we really don’t need unemployed comedians. So since we know you are willing to take medical advice from doctors you don’t even know, here are some things that you may want to add to your daily routine we have found useful in protecting our patients:

  • Always double up on the dose of any medication you are taking, like hydroxychloroquine or household bleach. Our motto here is “if it’s good, twice as much is better!”
  • Every day, preferably before a news conference or pubic appearance, mix a little Ex-lax or a laxative of your choosing with some ipecac syrup to clear your sinuses. It will resolve some of that sniffling you seem to have and may shorten those nasty press briefings with rude reporters.
  • And finally, as a night-cap to your daily routine, bathe in a warm tub for at least an hour to open your pores. To complete your sanitation process before bed, while you are soaking in the tub, plug in an ultraviolet lamp, and submerge it in the bathwater. As your pores open, the light will penetrate and sanitize your entire insides.

If you have any questions or need further instruction, please feel free to call our presidential hotline at 1-800-ITSAHOAX or leave an email at http://www.itwilldisappearlikemagic.com.

Respectfully.

Drs. Youshud Panic and Gulpit

America is opening up again and it is beautiful. According to our fearless leader, all is right again and we can now ignore that nasty little bug that is going around and finally get a haircut or take that long-desired golden shower. That’s right, even Russian hookers can go back to work! And without those annoying immunologists and epidemiologists like Dr. Fauci filling our heads with science and facts, we can run down to a Georgia massage parlor and get a happy ending. And rest assured, the president guarantees that it will be a very powerful re-opening and also very safe, some say the safest re-opening in the history of the universe. Why? Because anyone who wants a COVID-19 test can get one, that is if you work in the White House.

But just to hedge his bets a little, Donald would like to offer to his followers a new Trump product just in case things go slightly off the rails. From the man who brought you such scams as Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump Airlines, and Trump University (GO PRICKS!), and five casino bankruptcies come Trump Funeral Services. That’s right, the Trump Organization wants you and your family to know that as warriors in the battle to re-elect Trump you catch COVID-19, your funeral will be as classy as Melania’s nude photos. Here’s what you get in the Trump Funeral Services package:

  • Exclusively from the Franklin Mint, genuine gold leaf casket with the American flag painted on top and Keep America Great emblazoned on the sides. As an extra bonus, the first ten-thousand patriots who die for his re-election, Donald Trump will personally autograph your death certificate of authenticity.
  • Inside the casket, you will be displayed in a full camouflage outfit and MAGA hat just like the one you wore at every Trump rally and quarantine protest. The casket will be lined with a Gadsdon flag with the words “Don’t Tread On Me” embroidered across the top. And rest assured, no one will tread on you six feet under.
  • A casket shell made of the same impenetrable concrete that his famous border wall is made of. That’s right, no Mexicans will ever be robbing the grave of our brave patriots who breathe in the Virus Droplets of Freedom to save Donald from a certain indictment in 2021.
  • A full military graveside service which will include a twenty-one sneeze salute, a full honor guard of the same medical personnel who intubated you in those final days, and as they lower you into your final resting place, the PA system will play “Live and Let Die.”
  • At each Trump funeral, the one and only Gene Huber will attend with his cardboard cutout of Donald Trump standing with your family as they proudly watch their freedom-loving family member lowered into a mass COVID-19 grave.
  • And as a timeless reminder of the asshole you were all your life, a granite grave marker engraved with your date of birth, date of death, and the words “Live Free or Intubate Me!”

And as a special tribute to the citizens of Wisconsin whose brave Supreme Court offered your lives in the interest of freedom and Donald Trump’s fat ass, we are offering a free funeral for every tenth member of your family to die of COVID-19. That’s right, we will punch your card every time a family member has their ticket punched. Just present proof of ten death certificates and test validating that you died of the virus and not an overdose of Wild Turkey.

So go ahead patriots, get out and enjoy the summer mask free and huddled together in large crowds because you are breathing in the air of freedom and showing you are as dumb as a brick and proud to die showing it, because in the end, the ass you’re saving is Donald Trump’s!

If you’ve been to the grocery store, hardware store, or home improvement center you will notice one item in very short supply if you see them at all. They are Clorox disinfecting wipes. This is not surprising since they claim to wipe out viruses in less time than it takes Trump to have sex with a porn star. So it comes as no surprise that these handy little germ killers flew off the shelves faster than a Russin hooker can wet a bedsheet. So now what do you do? Well, Donnie Trump has an answer, and, like it or not, it may eliminate the need for disinfecting wipes altogether.

Introducing Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways. That’s right, Trump now offers you the chance to completely eliminate the need for self-isolation, social distancing, and wearing a mask. With Trump Pandemic Wipe-Away cloths you will eliminate ninety-nine percent of all memory that COVID-19 ever existed. Pandemic Task Force? Wiped away! Dr. Fauci? Wiped away! Your grandparents? Wiped away! That’s right, just forget there ever was a COVID-19 virus and all your problems are wiped away!

Developed by the same stable genius that brought you Lysol intravenous therapy, Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways is the perfect solution to opening up this great country. Get back to the beaches, dine at your favorite restaurant, cheer on your favorite sports team without the guilt that your activities just sent Nana to the ICU. But what’s more important, Nana, or your stock portfolio?

And Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways come in convenient travel pouches so you can wipe away any thoughts of the coronavirus while you wipe away everyone in the supermarket. They fit easily in your purse or pocket so anytime someone tries to shame you for not wearing a mask, just whip out a Wipe-Away and sneeze in their face.

So listen to Donald Trump and get on with the business of the country and forget about the pandemic hoax. Get Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways today and eat, drink, and party like there’s no tomorrow because, for most of you, there really isn’t!

Are you worried that hospital overcrowding may prevent you from getting emergency care? Has your face lift been canceled as “non-essential” surgery? Can’t get that Botox injection to keep your upper lip up? Is your bladder backed up like a Russian hooker with chlamydia? Or do you just want the good old fashioned feeling of being able to walk around a hospital without feeling guilty that you may have just killed that person you met in the elevator because you sneezed? Well, then we have great news for you because this week Vice-President and Jesus’ Petri dish Mike Pence invites you to visit the Pence Freedom Clinic.

At the Pence Freedom Clinic, we have taken all those CDC rules on safety and thrown them into the dumpster behind our building like all the other hazardous medical waste. That’s right, now you can have that knee replaced, that chin lifted, or even have a manicure all in the mask free environment of the Pence Freedom Clinic. Our waiting rooms are filled with fellow freedom loving Americans who never ran from a virus like a cowering liberal. Here we cough and sneeze like our grandparents did right out into the air. You won’t find any of those politically correct mouth coverings here! No sir, at the Pence Freedom Clinic we share the comradery of plagues just like the people in the Good Book did because we know that Jesus is our vaccine.

Whether you have the sniffles, a cough, or a fever, we don’t care because our motto here at the clinic is “let the bug fly!” We don’t waste beds in a separate COVID-19 unit because the whole damn place is a COVID-19 unit! And beds are never a problem because of our huge patient turnover. So there is no waiting for a room and no ventilator or personal protection equipment shortages. We simply don’t use any of that. The average patient is out of here in less that two days. And their grieving families need not worry about funeral arrangements with our final services package included with all admissions.

The quality of our staff is getting better every day as the lawsuits slowly have been settled. Most of our physicians have graduated from a medical school somewhere and have either been completely cleared of charges or have plea-bargains pending.  And our nurses are required to have at least three years of high school or equivalent in mandatory community service.

So when you have an urgent medical need please consider the Pence Freedom Clinic where regulations have been thrown out the window with all the medical waste. And remember, leave the mask behind because the life you save is probably someone else’s anyway.  

Yes, it’s been a long, long time since we all sat down in our favorite restaurant and enjoyed the camaraderie of sharing our bacteria and viruses with the strangers at the next table. Or had the pleasure of getting our hair trimmed while the stylist’s breath shares the tacos and onions they just had for lunch. And finally the pure pleasure of taking our seat in a movie and realize that you just sat on some unidentified liquid left by the last occupant. Well if your state is still stuck in the mud of social distancing Georgia has news for you: We are open for business! That’s right, Governor Brian Kemp invites you to come to the Peach State and throw off the yoke of government oppression and breath in the fresh COVID-19 droplets of freedom!

First, check into one of our luxurious hotels where our accomodating staff are free of the cumbersome masks and gloves you have to endure in government oppressed states. That’s right you are greeted with a nice sweaty hand-shake and the spray of a hearty “hello” as you enter our lobbies. And after those freedom droplets settle on your mucus membranes enjoy our suites that are free of all the smells of disinfectant and cleaning products that make you feel you are a prisoner of a left-wing hoax.

Now, for your dining pleasure, visit one of Georgia’s fine dining establishments ready to spread joy and disease on your fun getaway. For example, go to “The SARS Bar” where our buffets are legendary. Turned over every night so the fresh side is up our food is prepared to peak perfection every other Tuesday. And to give that at-home experience all freedom-loving Americans love, we have removed all the sneeze guards so everyone can just feel free to reach in and sample your favorite entrees. And don’t worry, there are no freedom-hating tongs to fiddle with. At “The SARS Bar” feel free to grab what you want with your fingers of liberty!

And after dinner, what is better than a great movie. Our theaters are now featuring such classic hits as “Contagion,” “World War Z,” and “The Andromeda Strain.” And don’t worry about visiting the refreshment stand because you share with everyone our community tub of popcorn and our community pool of Coca-Cola. Just dip in your straw or rent one from our disinfesting station. And with our bench seating, you can snuggle up next to that stranger with the matted orange beard. Enjoy the show!

And while you’re in Georgia you can have peace of mind if you need medical attention, which you have a 98% probability. Our medical teams are up on the latest treatment for infectious diseases which are President Trump approved like Hydochloroquin, Isopropyl alcohol injections, and ultraviolet light enemas. Just put on this gown and the doctor will be in shortly!

So if you’re sick of being cooped up in your little apartment or having to live in freedom-hating states like New York or Pennsylvania, then come to Georgia. “Our hospitality is infectious!”