The Clown Car Update for June 13, 2021

Has this ever happened to you? You show up at an important political speech and your pants look like an airbag went off in your crotch. Or worse yet, all over the internet people are Tweeting that you put your pants on backwards. Well, fret no more because here at the Clown Car Update we have opened a new clothing outlet that will solve this problem for men and women of all tastes and sizes. Welcome to the MAGA Warehouse, where fashion sense left the station years ago. Our entire clothing line is manufactured using the finest fabrics from around the world and manufactured in some county you never heard about except in U.N. relief ads. And they are all guaranteed wrinkle resistant so it never looks like you look like you dropped an accordion down your pants.

Let’s look at some of the lines we offer at the MAGA Warehouse:

• The Donald Trump Line: This line is made for the the extra large businessman on the move, or not moving much as the case may be. We feature a much roomier fit than our regular line adding yards and yards of extra fabric so you feel like you’re walking in a circus tent. And speaking of tents, the pants have hidden, reinforced eyelets so they can double as a lean-to in case of inclement weather. And check out our Trump sports line while you’re at it featuring tennis shorts with a spacious trunk for that “extra cargo!”
  

• The Matt Gaetz Line: You never want to show up at middle-school looking like a creepy middle aged man looking for a hookup with a fourteen-year-old. And here at the MAGA Warehouse we never will let that happen to you. Our saggy pants and hoodie sets are designed to tell the security guards at the door “Thirty-eight? Are you kidding? Look at my clothes!” And while you are here at the MAGA Warehouse, visit our formal wear department and show up at the prom looking spiffy with a corsage in your hands and a boner in your pants.

• The Marjorie Taylor Greene Line: That’s right ladies, we haven’t forgotten you here at the MAGA Warehouse. We have a full line of clothes for women on the assault! Our white linen collection is just perfect for that Klan meet-up or just relaxing in your office cleaning your assault rifle. And you will love our cargo pants and shorts so wherever you go you are sure to be full of shit! And check out our full line of accessories like brass knuckles, bull horns, and periscopes for leering into your fellow congresswoman’s mail slot.

These are just a small sample of our wide range of clothing options for the fashion unconscious. Like the Rudy Giuliani pants with a special front pouch to make it easy to check your junk. Or the Joe Manchin bi-partisan line for those times you just are going nowhere fast. So come to the MAGA Warehouse where we make it simple to put your pants on one impeachment at a time!

The Clown Car Update for June 6, 2021

It’s been five months since the attack on the Capitol on January 6 and some of you insurrectionists are understandably depressed. Some of you have been arrested, others have just been rejected on their dating apps. But for some of you, the loss of Trump and the false hopes of QAnon have left you, well, sexually challenged. There is a medical name for it. It’s called Lost Insurrection Major Penis Erectile Dysfunction or LIMPD.

If you have been LIMPD since January 6, you are not alone. Over one-thousand men have reported a lack of insurrection erections since returning home or to a federal holding facility. In fact, just this past Memorial Day weekend, at a conference of LIMPD QAnon true believers, a question was asked of Michael Flynn,  “I want to know why what happened in Minamar [sic] can’t happen here?” (Of course the questioner meant “Myanmar” but no one really expects QAnon to know anything about real countries.) Well, we know that the question was just code for “What if you can’t get it up anymore since Trump stopped torturing children at the border! I’m asking for a friend!”

Well, boys, there is hope! Here at the Clown Car Labs we have teamed up with Antifa/BLM Pharmaceuticals to bring back that just-committed-a-federal-crime feeling to your penis with INS-ERECTION, the blue pill for that LIMPD dick. INS-ERECTION is specially formulated to work fast so when your sister says, “I’m READY!” you are ready to go before mom and dad get home! Our formula is a combination of bear spray, pepper spray, and fibers taken from insurrection-used Trump flags to offer quick flashbacks of the day you showed the world you were a very SPECIAL asshat. Now you can have a Capitol riot in your pants anytime the time is right.

Don’t take INS-ERECTION if you are in jail or expect to be in jail. Stop using INS-ERECTION if you develop an allergic reaction to democracy or if you have a family history of Nazis. People using INS-ERECTION have reported having thoughts of Jewish Space Lasers and ballot eating chickens. If you have such thoughts, seek medical attention. If you have an erection lasting more than four hours, call Matt Gaetz to get hooked up with a high school freshman.

So when at your next family reunion your cousin says “meet me out in the barn” or that Marjorie Taylor Greene blow-up doll is looking tempting, be ready with INS-ERECTION. INS-ERECTION: Helping Trump thumpers stand up for America!

The Clown Car Update for May 30, 2021

This week, President Biden called on the intelligence community to issue a definitive report on whether or not the plague that has disrupted life in America for months originated in a secret lab. Biden has asked his Director of National Intelligence for a more rigorous effort to uncover the plagues origin. At the same time, the G.O.P. is facing mounting criticism for early denials that the virus escaped from one of its labs in Florida. In a statement, the president said, “we want the world to know definitively where Marjorie Taylor Greene came from.”

It has been suspected for years that the G.O.P. have been conducting experiments at its research lab in Mar-A-Lago to develop a biological weapon capable of irritating everyone it comes in contact with. It is believed that former experiments have resulted in the development of such past pestilence as Marco Rubio, Rick Scott, Ron DeSantis, and prom king Matt Gaetz. However, the seriousness of the what has become known as the MTG-21 out-break has prompted demands from all corners of the world for answers as to her origins.

It was first speculated that MTG-21 was the product of a Georgia wet market or small farm barn manure, thus causing an animal to human transfer. Many scientist believe that a so-called spillover event, like occurred daily in Donald Trump’s toilet remains the most plausible explanation for her development. But the cause is still uncertain.

One of the earliest victims of the MTG-21 was David Hogg, a gun control advocate and survivor of the Parkland shooting. “She came out of nowhere, like that green slime you see in some of the Si-Fi movies. The thing is that ones it gloms onto you, it’s hard to shake. She followed me around like stink on a turd.” Hogg, fortunately, has fully recovered from his experience, although he says he still he has nightmares of that voice he described like “a dying pterodactyl!”

U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was a victim of this latest G.O.P. virus and she says, “it is a hot mess!” According to AOC, she believes she contracted the bug through the mail slot on her office door. “After that, I couldn’t shake it! Everywhere I went MTG-21 was just everywhere.” “The worst of it,” AOC continued “was the constant ringing in my ears. The sound of her voice was like listening to a rabid Hyena!”

No matter what the origin of Marjorie Taylor Greene, this much we know: You do not want to catch this one anywhere near you or your loved-ones. Humans should avoid contact with her at all cost. The CDC recommends a social distance of a ten-foot pole from her, wearing ear protection, and above all, if you do contract MTG-19, seek the help of a professional, preferably an exorcist.

The Clown Car Update for May 23, 2021

This week it was revealed that Joe Biden uses VENMO, the same app Matt Gaetz used to pay underage girls for sex. OH NOES! But before you get your wig in a knot, Joe was not using it for sex. He was sending money to his grandchildren. However, what was soon revealed was how easily one can access the private messages of anyone using VENMO, as Buzzfeed reported. Which started us at the Clown Car Update to thinking, maybe we can access a few accounts of some of the Trump Cult and see what they were up to. And VOILA! We found some and here they are:

Marjorie Taylor Green:

• $50.00 to “Witch’s Brew” for “Crazy Potion.” An additional $10.00 for the Extra-Crazy.
• $100.00 for special scope to see into AOC’s mail slot.
• $300.00 for gym membership in the “Polyamorous Fitness Club” for group sex classes.
• $85.00 for a Nancy Pelosi doll with extra long needles.
• $25.00 for a Donald Trump dildo with note “redundant.”

Matt Gaetz:

• $32.50 for “Gorilla Glue Hair Gel.”
• $36.00 for a copy of a “High School Class of 2030” with a note “future hook-ups”
• $50,000 to a “house painter” with the notation “Joel Greenberg hit.”
• $25.00 for a “fake Middle School I.D.”
• $135.00 for a tuxedo rental and corsage with a note “prom night.”

Kevin McCarthy:

• 50 cents received from a user named Serpent with notation “for my soul.”
• $12.00 for a tube of Preparation H Lip Balm with notation “for Donnie’s hemorrhoid days.”
• $80.00 for a box of kevlar face masks with note “Liz Cheney protection.”

Rudy Giuliani:

• $35,000 to Sacha Baron Cohen note “unseen hotel footage.”
• $125.00 to Jiffy Lube note “head oil change.”
• $25.00 for a rental of the movie”Kissin’ Cousins.”
• $10.00 for a spittoon.

Liz Cheney:

• $300.00 for “buckshot.”
• $10.00 for practice targets with note, “Kevin McCarthy face.”
• $25.00 movie rental for “V for Vendetta!”

Lindsey Graham:

• $1000.00 for pearls, note “for clutching.”
• $150 to re-upholster “fainting couch.”
• $10.50 for a copy of “Gone with the Wind.”
• $50.00 for blow-up doll of Donald Trump note “for those lonely nights.”

Mitch McConnell:

• $10.00 for a “chin strap.”
• $25.00 for a copy of the book “The Shell Game.”

Ted Cruz:

• $14.00 for can of beard flea powder.
• $1500.00 for a “Cancun getaway!”

Rand Paul:

• $1.50 for Chia Wig Seeds.
• $3000.00 for fake medical license.
• $4678.50 for medical treatment for cracked ribs note “why do all my neighbors hate me?”

And there was one more account with a user name StillPresident45becausethe2020electionwasstolenfromme. It was such an odd user name we decided to investigate and found a payment in Rubles to Vladimir for “PPE.” At first this confused us as to why someone would have to go to Russia for personal protection equipment. It was not until after we identified the user as Donald J. Trump that we understood the note meant… PeePeeExtortion!

The Clown Car Update for May 16, 2021

A Capitol Hill maintenance crew was shocked to discover a rarely-seen school of Moderate Republicans hidden in a supply closet in the Rayburn Office Building on the Capitol Hill campus. Capitol police quickly responded to calls from the maintenance staff and turned over the specimens to the National Park Service for authentication. The specimens were well preserved and appeared to date back to the Pre-Trump Era.

The Moderate Republicans (MR’s) were thought be have been driven to extinction by the modern political party known as the Trumpublicans. The Moderate Republicans differ from their modern counterparts as they possess vertebrae. Researchers at the Institute for Historical Accuracy believe that the Moderates were overtaken by the Trumpublicans who have much larger mouths and teeth like shards of glass. They would lure the Moderate Republicans into their lair at Mar-A-Lago and were thought to be able to swallow prey twice the size of their bodies, especially the Marjorie Taylor Greene variety.

How this particular school of Moderate Republicans survived the Trumpublicans’ massacre remains a mystery for now. Jim Letterman, a research historian at the Institute for Historical Accuracy, theorizes that they were initially hidden in the closet years ago by friendly Democratic staffers and camouflaged themselves wearing Trump 2024 campaign buttons. “Unlike the leech-like Trumpublicans, these ancient oddities are quite resilient and are able to walk and stand upright,” said Mr. Letterman. “In addition to having strong spines, these Moderates can survive without attaching themselves to Donald Trump’s ass,” he added. “They also do not leave slime trails.”

Among the specimens are thought to be various sub-groups of MR’s including Romneys, Cheneys, Kinzingers, and Flakes. Of the four sub-groups discovered this week, the Cheney one is believed to be the most vicious, partially explaining how this particular group survived. The Cheneys are thought to have the ability to disable other predators by shooting them in the face with buckshot, a trait handed down through generations of natural selection.

What will become of these newly discovered species is yet undetermined. Researchers are hopeful that they can be released back into Congress at some point. When asked for a comment on this discovery, a spokesman for the Trumpublicans had no comment beyond telling the Clown Car Update that their lips were busy elsewhere.

The Clown Car Update for May 9, 2021

This week, vaccine hesitancy was stalling President Biden’s efforts to get to herd immunity by July 4th of this year. In a recent PBS/Marist poll almost half of registered Republicans say they will not get vaccinated. There have been many attempts to get these knuckleheads to get the “Fauci Ouchie” from bars offering free beer to the governor of West Virginia offering a $100 savings bond for a shot! So this week, President Biden is taking the shaman by the horns and offering free giveaways to Republicans who agree to get vaccinated. Here is the schedule for the upcoming week for special giveaway incentives:

Shaman Headdress Sunday: Any Republican taking a COVID vaccine on Sunday will receive an authentic QAnon Shaman Headdress Kit just like the one Jacob Chansley wore while farting on the floor of the Senate. This headdress is made of genuine faux raccoon and buffalo fur with realistic styrofoam horns. Included in the giveaway is a full makeup kit with all the colors you need to paint your body like the real Jacob Chansley. You also will receive a boxed lunch of pure organic food personally selected by Mr. Chansley’s mother courtesy of Chick-Fil-A .

Magnetic QAnon Calendar Monday: Republican vaccine volunteers on Monday will receive a beautifully designed magnetic calendar with all the QAnon holidays brightly marked. You will never forget to send a holiday card to your fellow Q’s on “Storm the Capitol Remembrance Day” or “That Time Q Predicted the Liberals Would All Be Executed But It Never Happened Day.” You will be proud to display this calendar on your refrigerator or on the bumper of your pickup truck just above your Bulls Balls Truck Nuts.

Tucker Tuesday: This Tuesday, all Republican recipients of the COVID vaccine will receive a talking doll of Tucker Carson himself. Molded in Tucker’s infamous frozen surprise face, just smack him in the head and he will say things like “Immigrants will not replace White Americans!” or “Pull that mask off that kid or I’ll call the police!” Your choice of regular necktie or his retro-bowtie look! Includes Tiki Torch.

White Supremacist Wednesday: Any Republican receiving the COVID vaccine in Wednesday will receive a hood and robe set with the Trump 2024 logo embroidered on the back of every robe. Get vaccinated and proudly display your allegiance to Obergroupenburger Trump at the next Klan meeting. Comes in sizes large, extra-large, and bloated-old-white-guy!

Thirsty Thursday: For this giveaway, Joe Biden has pulled out all the stops and suspended his ban on meat to offer all-you-can-drink meat-based beer for just taking a COVID vaccine. Get the shot then join your Republican friends at an all day open bar featuring Lamb Lager, Porterhouse Porter, and Cream of Chicken Cream Ale. Also, get your Johnson & Johnsons all-a-flutter when you meet and greet Larry Kudlow who will be signing autographs all day!

Firearms Friday: Nothing gets a Republican excited more than a shot and then a shot! So on Firearms Friday every Republican over the age of 12 (or in the case of Alabama, age 5) will receive a genuine MJT-45 Demwhacker assault rifle designed exclusively for the COVID vaccine Republican rollout. Made to the exact specifications of its namesake Marjorie Taylor Green, the MJT-45 is the perfect assault rifle whether you are making a pandering campaign commercial or just having fun with friends destroying Democracy at the Capitol!

Sleepy Saturday: This is the last day for Republicans to take advantage of vaccine giveaway week and we have made it extra special. To celebrate the end of a hard week of fact-avoidance and conspiracy theory spreading, every Republican agreeing to get the COVID vaccine will receive a My Pillow bed set directly from the My Pillow Guy himself, Mike Lindell. Mike has designed this set with the Proud Boys in mind with camouflage print so you can sleep, confident that that murderous mob of Antifa and BLM radicals can’t see you while you count white sheep and catch some Z’s!

So, Republicans, what are you waiting for? This week Joe is offering you some of the finest incentives a Republican can dream of just for doing what you crave the most: Bearing your arms!

The Clown Car Update for May 2, 2021

What I am about to tell you is a matter of human record. Explain it, we cannot. Disprove it, we cannot. We simply invite you to explore with us the amazing world of right-wing lunacy. To take that one step beyond! This story may surprise you. It may terrify you. It’s the story of Larry Kudlow.

Larry, you see, used to occupy the highest levels of our government but through a cruel twist of fate, he was swept out of office and is now condemned to walk in the shadows between life and death, a dimension of delusions known as Fox News. This week Mr. Kudlow woke up to an ordinary world, put on his ordinary tie, and went to his ordinary kitchen. As he reached for his normal breakfast of cereal and Boars Head Beer brewed from real boars’ heads he noticed something strange about the beer can. Instead of a picture of a boar’s head there was instead a picture of barley, hops, and yeast. Was the world gone mad? What demon’s trick put a plant-based beer in his refrigerator? Larry threw away his beer in a panic and hurriedly headed to work in the Fox studios. Surely there would be an explanation there.

As Mr. Kudlow entered the studio he sensed the panic that had taken over the world. Joe Biden, in a mad power grab, had banned all meat from the world. No ham, no sausages, no cheeseburgers, no pork rind. This could not stand. Larry had to warn the world what had just happened. So he went on the air to warn of an evil president’s plan to ban meat. “No burger on July 4′” he screamed into the cameras! “No steaks on the barbecue. I’m sure Middle America is just going to love that. Can you grill those Brussels sprouts?” And just before he was cut off the air he screamed, “”You can throw back a plant-based beer with your grilled Brussels sprouts and wave your American flag. Call it July 4th Green. “Well,” he screamed out of his studio window, “we’re not going to take it anymore!”

Larry ran from the studio and into the street to find an upside-down world. The hot dog vendor was now selling hot carrots. He ran to a Subway sandwich shop to find only mushroom and kale hoagies. Then in desperation, he ran to a nearby Texas Roadhouse and in a breathless panic asked the waiter if they had steak! “Of course,” the waiter said. Larry began to breath a little easier until the waiter asked, “Would you like that made of avocado or hummus?”

Larry ran into the street again, bumping into strangers munching on celery sticks and watercress sandwiches. He passed an Italian restaurant serving spaghetti squash and granola meatballs. And then, in absolute horror, he saw children licking lollypops made of broccoli flowerets! The buildings began to spin. The ground beneath him began to move. His body shook uncontrollably. Shaking, shaking, shaking until a voice from far away became louder and louder. “Larry!” his wife yelled as she shook him awake. “Larry, are you having that nightmare again?” He rose up from the bed, looked at his wife and asked, “What’s for breakfast?” She said, “why cereal and Boars Head beer of course made from real boars’ heads.” It was true. The refrigerator was filled with Brown Gravy Beer, Lamb Chop Lager, Cream of Chicken Cream Ale, and Porter House Steak Porter. There was even a six-pack of Coors Cows.

Larry sat down at the table still shaken by the night’s terror. Was that a dream or was it a warning? Were the liberals going to take my meat beer away forever? He only knew for now, he was back, if only temporarily, in the land of meat beer. Mr. Kudlow finished his breakfast, walked to his car with his world restored. But as he pulled out from his driveway, he saw a little girl with an evil looking smile munching on an asparagus tip.

Mr. Larry Kudlow. A man caught in the shadows between life and death. A dimension between grilled burgers and grilled broccoli. A dimension where your only crime is to have the head on your beer be a real head. Mr. Larry Kudlow, caught between reality and madness in a far right-wing region of the Alt-right Zone!

The Clown Car Update for April 25, 2021

Well it was a week of Looney Tunes! We had Marjorie Taylor Greene starting the KKK Caucus in the United States House of Representatives. That’s right, although she called it the “America First” caucus, what she meant was the “Nutty White People” caucus. Her plans were scrapped however due to intense media backlash and more importantly a severe shortage of white hoods and robes due to COVID.

Also this week, the My Pillow guy, Mike Lindell, was back shouting in the news at the launch of his new social media platform “FRANK.” To celebrate his launch, Lindell stayed on the air for forty-eight hours straight yelling and screaming about everything from goose-down to Jimmy Kimmel. Of course the site crashed immediately upon launch so Lindell, ever the conspiracy theorist, blamed the website’s problems to a “massive attack!” Of course it was never made clear who the attackers were, lizard people or Jewish satellite lasers.

But the biggest trend this week was the annual Spring release of new books ready for your Summer beach reading. This year was a particularly good year for former Republican officeholders and Trump officials trying to make a quick buck on their crimes while at the same time trying to clean up their reputations. We had books from John Boehner, Bill Barr, and Sean Spicer to name a few. In fact, Sean Spicer claimed his book-signings drew the biggest crowds, PERIOD!

But some of the lesser stars of the Trump Crime Family had some ideas for books of their own. These lesser names you may have missed, so here are some of the tell-all books coming out this summer:

• “A Clockwork Orange”: Jim “Bubba” Kubrick, least known son of Stanley Kubrick, reveals that he is the makeup artist behind Donald Trump’s daily orange glow. In the book he shares his secrets of how he kept that big, ugly puss looking just like he fell out of a pumpkin truck. “It was always a challenge, but the jowls were what I was most proud of,” Jim says in this memoir. Glamour Magazine gives this fascinating book Five Tangerines!
  
• “Revenge of the Nerd”: Stephen Miller chronicles his rise from a Hitler Youth stuffed in a locker by some high school jocks to the man who was the architect of the Trump’s immigration policies and chief spokesman for Toppik Hair Thickening spray. “It’s the Mein Kampf of a new generation,” says the Reich Ministry for Propaganda and Hair Restoration.
  
• “Islands in the Stream”: Marina Urineallova, a Russian hooker, tells the story of the time she passed a kidney stone while pissing on the future president of the United States, Donald J. Trump. The New York Times book review says it’s “easy flowing and full of rock solid surprises!”
  
• “Snakes on a Plane”: John “Snoopy” Fliebouy, the former pilot of Trump’s Air Force One, tells what it was like shuttling the Trump family and staff all over the world while not once giving in to nausea. Along with his co-pilot, John tells some harrowing stories of flying with the first family that Newsweek Magazine calls “hisssssssssstorically significant!”
  
• “The Room Where it Happened”: This is the fascinating story of Trump’s private bathroom where some of the biggest dumps in presidential history took place. Told by Trump’s former plumber, Tom “Plunger” Flushman, he details the horrors of the Trump toilet after a breakfast of burritos and Cholula hot sauce. Time Magazine calls it “a real dump of information and one stinker of a book!”
  
• “Brokeback Whitehouse”: Mike Pence recounts his four year journey from presidential lap dog to one lap ahead of a lynch mob in this heartfelt account of unrequited love. The New York Times calls this “The Brokeback Mountain of Vice-Presidential history!”
  
  So this summer get your vaccination, go to the beach, rent an umbrella and curl up with a book written by an old Trump staffer. Remember what they say about a book by an ex-Trumper: A good Trump book is like a nice walk in the park. It sounded like a good idea at the time until you realize that someone just picked your pocket!
  
  

The Clown Car Update for April 18, 2021

Like an outbreak of shingles, Matt Gaetz just refuses to go away quietly. He’s a painful rash that keeps you up at night itching and burning. This week, new reporting from CNN detailed the parties that the congressman attended that included cocaine, ecstasy, and worst of all, sex with Matt Gaetz. The parties would often occur after an official Republican event with the attendees still wearing their formal wear. Yes, these parties had everything except Russian hookers pissing on Matt’s cummerbund (sorry Donald). According to the report, “the first thing some of the women were asked to do when they got to the house was to put away their cellphones.” After all, even for money, who wants to be recorded having sex with Matt Gaetz? But previously undiscovered recordings from these parties were leaked exclusively to the Clown Car Update. Thankfully they were not video recordings so no one on our staff was injured in reporting this event. What the recording does reveal is the pick-up lines Matt Gaetz used when trolling the women at these mini-orgies. According to the women, he loved to talk about politics! So here is a sample from the recordings:

I always get the swinger vote.

You know what they say, big forehead, big…

You’re quite a pretty little filly. would you like to see my filly-buster?

My seat in Congress expires in two years but your seat won’t quit!

I surveyed the room and you won my “pole!”

I pass bills in Congress. Can I pass you an STD?

I’m open to anything, babes. I’m bicameral!

No, that’s not my pocket Constitution. I’m just glad to see you!

Believe me, I’m no lame duck!

No need for birth control with me, baby. I have a great exit “pole.”

I’d love to tickle your cloture.

I’d love to stuff your ballot box!

Just wait until you see my discharge petition!

Come over to my place and I’ll show you my Majority Whip!

So are you into backbenchers?

This is just a sample of the hundreds of lines that were on the recording. Some of them are not work-friendly. But the one pickup line we would love to hear is someone saying, “you have the right to remain silent!”

The Clown Car Update for April 11, 2021

GaetzGate! It’s in the news and in your nose because like Matt Gaetz himself, it stinks. For those who may have not been paying attention, Matt Gaetz, the congressman voted People Magazine’s most slap-able face on the planet, has been accused of sex trafficking. And yes of course, he is a Republican, the party of family values. Or should we say, the family of partying values? In any event, Matt has been exploring new employment ideas one of which is an advice column. Now here at the Clown Car Update we believe in due process even in the case of rat-fuckers like old Matty boy. So to give the guy a chance, here are some samples of his “Advice for Dating” column now running on your local 4Chan network:

Dear Matt,
Recently I was elected to Congress from Georgia’s 14th Congressional District. Before that, I was a gym rat who would have sex with anything that walked, crawled, or slithered into the gym. Now that I’m in Congress, no one seems to want to have sex with me. Even Kevin McCarthy made me take a shower just to shake his hand at my swearing-in. I’m getting desperate enough that I have thought of gunning someone down with my AR-15 just to jump his dead bones! HELP!
Majorie Taylor Blue in DC

Dear Blue in DC,
I, too, have had trouble getting dates in DC since my election. It’s all the fault of Antifa and the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s called “cancel culture” and these radicals are trying to cancel our sex lives. The good news is that, for a price, I have a guy in Florida who can arrange for a hook-up. Send me your information about your age preference and I will see what he can do. Allow four to six weeks for a response as he is in federal prison awaiting trial.
Matty

Dear Matt,
I really need your help. Recently I was filmed in a hotel room lying on a bed fixing my junk. It was a frame-up since I was really looking for the hair dye I accidentally dropped down my pants. Also, my lower plate is loose from all the screaming I did about Dominion voting machines. Should I sue?
Leaking in Philadelphia

Dear Leaking,
Maybe you should check your inbox or a newspaper before suing Dominion. Also, I have to check my junk every day for FBI bugs, so I know the feeling.
Matty

Dear Matt,
I am a white, white, male approaching 60. My wife insists on nothing but the missionary position. Plus, she insists I call her “mother!” And forget oral sex, the closest we ever come is when she gargles before bed. I heard you have some contacts in the local high schools. Can you fix me up?
No BJ’s in Indiana

Dear No BJ’s,
Hey, have you ever heard of Marjorie Taylor Green?

Dear Matt,
It seems the more I try, the more everyone hates me. My wife hates me because I let the president call her ugly. My father hates me because I let the president call him an assassin. My kids hate me because I blamed them for leaving Texas during the power outage. How can I get people to like me?
Despised in Cancun

Dear Despised,
Truth is, even I hate you! The best advice I can give you is to go to the nearest Metro station and lay on the tracks.
Matty

Dear Matt,
I’m seventeen years old and would like to go to the Bahamas this weekend. Where can I find a date?
Waiting in Homeroom

Dear Homeroom,
First, I told you never to use this column to contact me. Give me a minute to get plane tickets and I’ll meet you at the airport. Do you still take Apple Pay?
Matty

Unfortunately, right after that last letter Mr. Gaetz was taken into custody. at Reagan International Airport. But not to worry, Matt expects to be back writing his column as soon as he raises bail with a fundraiser. Because as Matt’s girlfriends say, “with a face like his, you need all the money you can get!”