I know that each week here on the Clown Car Update we make fun and jokes about the antics of the right-wing lunatics that are the infamous Trump base. But this week, what happened in Washington in the halls of congress, in the people’s house, had very little to do with humor. While our allies watched in horror, and our enemies reveled in mockery, a group of traitors and insurrectionists launched a bloody coup trying to destroy the delicate experiment that has been for over 200 years our imperfect union. These traitors took two forms, those who wear business suits and pledge loyalty to a Constitution they use as a rag to wave at their political ambition, and a rabid mob of Trump cultists who wear MAGA hats and pledge loyalty to a deranged narcissist and wave the racist flag of the Confederacy.

But we always knew this was coming. In fact, Hillary Clinton, in a speech to a fundraiser September 9, 2016, was prescient as she described what would become the river of human vomit that gushed into the halls of Congress on Wednesday:

You know, to just be grossly generalistic, you could put half of Trump’s supporters into what I call the basket of deplorables. Right? They’re racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamophobic – you name it. And unfortunately, there are people like that. And he has lifted them up. He has given voice to their websites that used to only have 11,000 people – now have 11 million. He tweets and retweets their offensive hateful mean-spirited rhetoric. Now, some of those folks – they are irredeemable, but thankfully, they are not America.

No. They are not “America.” But they were in Washington this week, solely because a deeply disturbed lunatic acting as POTUS and his Republican bootlickers have for the last two months supported his baseless delusion that he won the 2020 election and somehow it was stolen. So on Wednesday, as his congressional sycophants prepared to use the Constitution as kindling to burn down the last vestiges of democracy, Trump stood in front of a mob of freaks dressed like vikings, three-pointed hat knuckleheads, and dentally-challenged bar flies and told them to storm the Capitol Building. As reported in the New York Times,

Mr. Trump concluded his 70-minute exhortation by encouraging everyone to walk down Pennsylvania Avenue to give Republicans at the Capitol “the kind of pride and boldness that they need to take back our country.” Then the president of the United States returned to the White House, at safe distance from the mayhem to unfold.

Published in The New York Times Jan. 6, 2021

Yes, of course, Trump, after promising to walk with them, retreated to the safety of his limo and returned to the White House to do what he does best, let other people get hurt to provide sustenance for his ego. Not surprising the rotten fruit of his fat saggy loins, Don, Jr. and the gum-clapping zombie formerly known as Rudy Giuliani hopped into the safety of their private jets and flew away.

So the Clown Car would like to give a Hillary Clinton Deplorable Award to just a few of the soulless lumps of flesh who made Wednesday’s coup attempt as well as the last four years possible:

  • “Moscow” Mitch McConnell – for selling whatever you passed off as a soul to the devil, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Lindsey “Pearl Clutcher” Graham – for trading whatever you thought was integrity so you could at least have ONE friend in Donald Trump, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, OANN, Newsmax, and all the entire right-wing cesspool for fanning the fires of hate for all these years, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE
  • The Republican Party – All the Clorox in the universe will never remove the indelible stain and stench of Donald Trump from your legacy. Maybe if you inject it! YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Josh Hawley – Really, even the trash bin of history rejected your application, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Ted Cruz – You’re Lyin’ Ted, your wife is ugly, your father is a filthy assassin and YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Mo Brooks – Moe Howard was way smarter than you and way funnier, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Bill Barr – Was it worth it? Oh, by the way, where do you want the ashes of what was left of your integrity to be scattered? I know, how about Lafayette Square? YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • Mike Pompeo – So how’s the transition to the second Trump administration going? YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!
  • The Fucking Trump Base – We are SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU and no, we don’t want to listen to what you have to say, we are not interested in your concerns, we really don’t care if you can’t cope with changes in the world, because in the end you are just a bunch of racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, Islamaphobic, and Dental-phobic fecal matter. In Hillary’s words, YOU’RE DEPLORABLE!

I know we didn’t even scratch the surface with these awards, but feel free to nominate any of the scabs that fell off the Trump leprosy and we will be happy to include them in the next round of Hillary Clinton Deplorable Awards. And I promise, next week, we will have jokes. Oh, and we will be one more week closer to the Biden/Harris Administration!

Well, the holidays are over and it’s time to take down the decorations and make New Year resolutions. It’s also the time when we get rid of all the unwanted things we got for Christmas and have no use for like fruit cake and COVID-19. So we thought that we would take a look at the Clown Car Bargain Bin to see what interesting returned items we might find and who might have returned them and why.

  • One Useful Idiot: Donald Trump, returned by none other than Vladimir Putin. Reason: Well, he turned out to be a useless idiot. His complaint, among other things, is that it only worked intermittently and when it did it kept tripping over itself. It was exchanged for Mo Brooks and Josh Hawley.
  • One Golden Shower Head: Returned by Donald Trump. Reason: Very low flow, unlike the generous spray he got from old fashion Russian hookers. In lieu of a refund, he was given a porn star gift card worth thirty thousand dollars.
  • One Jigsaw Puzzle: Returned by Eric Trump. Reason: According to his complaint, unlike the picture on the box someone smashed the pretty picture inside into tiny pieces. It was exchanged for a coloring book with only big circles to fill in.
  • Unused Christmas Decorations: Returned by Melania Trump. Reason: “Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff!” Exchanged for any speech by Michelle Obama.
  • One Legal Career: Returned by Rudy Giuliani. Reason: No longer has a use for one. Exchanged for a gift certificate to Clear Choice Dental Implants.
  • Thousands of Face Masks: Returned by every Trump deplorable sycophant. Reason: Do not believe in COVID-19. Exchanged for one free intubation at a hospital of their choice. Availability may be limited.
  • One Election Loss: Sorry, Donald, no returns on this item. You own it! However, as a goodwill gesture, we can offer you one free lawn-care treatment compliments of Four Seasons Total Landscaping.

And there was one item that was too bulky and smelly to put into our bargain bin, so it is in the large dumpster behind the Clown Car Garage. It was one Trump Administration, returned by one-hundred eighty one million American voters. Reason: It just stunk up the place. It was exchanged for a Biden-Harris Administration. Happy New Year!

It happens to all lousy one-term presidents. You just lost an election and your time as president is over. As the holidays fade and Inauguration Day approaches for the new president, where to send the ex-president becomes a sad but necessary consideration. Sure, the ex-president doesn’t want to leave and will most likely resist attempts to make him leave the White House he came to cherish the last four years. Hell, he may even get violent and demand to stay even though the Constitution says it’s time to move on. The family and his party realize he can no longer live in the White House. Why he never really should have been allowed into the White House in the first place. As his former enablers, the task falls on you to convince him to leave. But where should he go? Where is the best place for your beloved ex-president? You want a place where you know you will never have to think about him again. It’s a tough job, but the Clown Car is here to help with a new program to help convince him that he’s all fucked up and really has to move. Just call “A Place for Don,” a service that will assist you in choosing the best living situation for your whiny loser ex-president.

Just look at the amenities “A Place for Don” has to offer the broken, demented old fart:

  • Memory Care Facilities: Just think, you want the ex-president to feel like it’s home so we have a full replica of the Oval Office where he can spend his twilight years still convinced that he got a second term and can still terrorize the entire country. His suite comes completely furnished with a Resolute Dest and a button to order Diet Coke, just like the real thing. And for a small extra fee, our friendly staff will call him several time a day pretending to be Kim jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, or any tyrant he has grown to love.
  • Activities: Our activities department has a schedule to fit the needs of your ex-president and keep him occupied while the rest of the world recovers from his time in office. We offer activities such as Executive Order Signing, Lego border wall building, obstructing justice, staff firing, and caging realistic baby dolls. And don’t forget our “Tweeting Hour” every day from 2AM to 3AM. And if a flu epidemic breaks out in our facility, he can wander freely around the facility playing “Super Spreader!”
  • Dietary Needs: We offer cuisine that fits the lifestyle that your ex-president is used to enjoying. Our food court is packed with comfort food offerings like McDonald’s, Domino’s Pizza, KFC, and the best chocolate cake ever! Your loved one can feast like the slob he was during his term and we also offer a bedtime snack of a Whopper with large fried and an hot apple pie. Yes, your ex-president will never go to bed hungry like all those families did last Christmas when he vetoed the Covid Relief Bill.
  • Hygiene: We take care of all of your ex-president’s daily hygiene needs starting with hair combing-over and spray-on tanning. And we also take care of all his shower needs, conducted by our experienced Russian hookers. And as an extra touch, our Lindsey Graham look-alike will top off his morning routine with a thorough ass-kissing.

So stop fretting about what to do with this used-up loser and leave the details to us. At “A Place for Don” we will take all of the worries out of getting rid of a reluctant loser. And you and the country could rest easy knowing that he is safely tucked away and will never occupy the real White House again!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and through Trump’s White House
Not a creature was left there, except the fat louse;
The lawsuits were filed by his lawyers with care,
In hopes that a recount soon would be theirs;
Ivanka and Jared were snug in their beds,
While visions of pardons danced in their heads;
With some super-size French fries and Big Macs to eat,
Donnie just settled down as he started to Tweet,
When on Fox TV he saw Hannity frown,
So he got out of bed and turned up the sound.
Away to the recliner he sailed like a ship,
Tore open Doritos and fresh garlic dip.
The color on the face of a crest fallen Sean,
Looked like day-old tortillas left out in the sun,
When what to Trump’s wondering eyes should appear,
But a bunch of reporters with camera gear,
When a limo pulled up to the very front row
Trump knew in a moment it was Prez-Elect Joe.
Much faster than vote counts his footsteps they grew,
And he stepped up to the mic to name his cabinet crew:
‘Now, Justice! now, Commerce! Now Anthony Fauci!
That last one made Donnie particularly grouchy!
Take charge of the government and tear down Trump’s wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!’
So off to transition Joe’s minions they flew,
With progressive ideas – and Kamala too.
And then in between “My Pillow” commercials
Came the knocking and yelling of federal marshals.
As he slapped on his wig and jumped up from his chair
Down came the door and Joe Biden was there.
“Your just a one-termer,” Joe said with a scowl
As his trusty dog Major just stood there and growled;
It’s a note of eviction he said with a grin,
And he walked right past Donnie and let himself in.


Trump’s eyes how they squinted with bags that were saggy!
His cheeks hung like lemons, his neck like a baggy;
His droll little mouth was forming a smirk,
As the last bit of ice cream dripped on his shirt  
The grease on his hands he wiped on his ass,
And the room almost emptied when he let out some gas;
He had an orangey face and a massive large girth
Like a big mother rhino about to give birth .
He was massive and huge; like an overweight elf
And Joe laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself.
So Trump threw up his arms and went back to his seat,
Grabbed a bucket of chicken and continued to eat;


Trump spoke not a word while Joe did his work
And Lysol-ed the Oval; then turned to the jerk,
And throwing his middle-finger up from his fist,
He motioned the Marshalls to cuff fat Trump’s wrist
Then he sprang to his car, to his team gave a wave,
And away they all drove with our country to save;
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove back to Dover,
‘You can sleep well this Christmas, the Trump nightmare is over!’

It’s the time of year when all the little children who have not yet been totally disillusioned by life yet are writing their letters to Santa Clause and flooding the already overwhelmed United States Postal System with un-needed junk mail. So we intercepted some from the White House mailroom:

Dear Santa,
Fuck your naughty list! I know I was on it but the joke is on you because I just pardoned myself and now I’m on the nice list and you will have to take me to court. So, send me a second term. Also, some Russian hookers. Oh, my stocking is the tiny one. And remember your non-disclosure agreement.

Always winning,
DJT

Dear Santa,
Hi, it’s Eric, but please don’t throw this letter away like my dad does every time I write to him. My dad is in a really bad mood this year and my stepmother said that I can’t come home this year because the guest room is being used by Rudy Giuliani and Borat’s daughter. They also said that they really can’t afford to buy me a gift because dad lost his job and all the money they are getting from the fake fundraisers is going to support my brother Don, Jr.’s cocaine habit. Even my wife Lara won’t spend Christmas with me because she says she got COVID and the new CDC guidelines say she has to stay away from me for seven months. That seems a long time but why would she lie to me? Anyway, since I have to spend Christmas alone, can you bring me a blow-up family and maybe even a girlfriend to go with them? One that looks like Maria Bartiromo would be good. Jeanine Pirro would not work though.

Home alone,
Eric

Dear Santa,

My name is Rudy and forgive the “Don’s Adult Toy and Dildo Shoppe” letterhead but it’s the only shop in this strip mall that would lend me some paper. Now, I understand that I am on your naughty list but I must appeal that decision since I believe it was based on fraud. I have thousands of affidavits from elf watchers that they observed your elves flipping votes for me on the nice list to votes for me on the naughty list. I’m prepared to take this to the Supreme Court if necessary but if you are reasonable then we can settle this right now. All I want for Christmas is some Fix-O-Dent, a case of hair dye, and a truckload of Gas-X for the loud farting I’ve had since I ate that sushi at the gas station across the street. I hope we can settle this so I don’t have to send that drunk blonde chick from Michigan to your house to scream at you!

Litigiously yours,
Rudy G,

Dear Santa,
My name is Ivanka. Things are not good at my house. My father recently lost his job but keeps telling everyone that he really got a four-year contract extension. My stepmother is very mean and told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about Christmas stuff. I have been a good girl this year and have sat on my daddy’s lap every time he asked me to, which is just about every day. He says it helps his golf game and makes his putter stand up. Anyway, this year I even carried a bible in my Prada purse so my daddy could hold it up in front of a church after he gassed peaceful protesters. So if you can, will you bring me a husband who can grow a beard and has a man’s voice? Thanks. And by the way, don’t use our chimney this year because my daddy is burning documents non-stop until January 20.

Yours truly,
Vankie

Dear Santa,
My name is Melania. I Be Best all year. In fact, all I ever do is that “Be Best” shit. But since everyone else is asking for stuff, why not me, right? So, first, a set of augmented reality glasses so that when I look at my fat loser husband I see Idris Elba instead of an orange slushy. Also, a handsome tennis pro for the new White House Tennis Pavilion. I was thinking, like, Rafael Nadal. And I really don’t care about all this fucking Christmas stuff, do you?

P.S. Don’t land in the Rose Garden. There is a major drainage problem!

Be best,
M.

Dear Santa,
My name is Don Jr. and I have only one request. SNOW! Lots and lots of SNOW! I really need lots of SNOW!

Highly yours,
DTJ

And of course, Christmas would not be complete without a letter from the staff and friends of The Tim Corrimal Show:

Dear Santa,
This year you brought us our Christmas gift early. We just want to thank you for stuffing our stockings on November 3rd with a brand new President and Vice-President!

P.S. Of course, if you want some ideas for extra stocking stuffers, we can always use two Democratic senators from Georgia!

Gratefully yours,
The staff and friends of The Tim Corrimal Show

Nothing gets you into the Christmas spirit like a good old holiday television special. And this year, the cast of the outgoing administration has provided some of the best selections for 2020. Here is the Clown Car Update’s guide to the Trump Christmas specials:

“A Very Rudy Christmas” Old lawyer Rudy is stranded on Christmas Eve in a small Pennsylvania town after he develops a leak in the side of his head. While his wig is at the salon getting an oil change he wanders into a garden center where he meets Donna the proprietor who is busy preparing her store for the annual town Christmas decoration contest. They realize they are in love but tragedy strikes when Donna loses the contest. Rudy vows to sue the town judges and demands that all the decorations except Donna’s are torn down. It all ends with a big town gathering where Rudy leads the town in song by farting Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Premiers December 7 on OANN

“Christmas With a Dick-ens” The president of the United States has lost the election and is brooding alone in the White House on Christmas Eve. As he is planning his revenge on the people who voted against him, he is visited by three ghosts who show him the real meaning of a Christmas after you lose re-election. He learns a valuable lesson from the ghosts of Prosecutions Past, Prosecutions Present, and Prosecutions Yet to Be whose boney finger points to a future prison cell with his name on it. Premiers on December 10 on Newsmax

“You Call This a Wonderful Life?” Eric has always dreamed of blowing his little town and having a career of building big skyscrapers with his Legos. But when his father has a stroke after losing re-election and his brother Don Jr. develops a raging cocaine habit he is forced to marry his high school guidance counselor Lara and run his father’s bankrupt businesses. When the Manhattan bank examiners indict him for bank and wire fraud, he tries to commit suicide by jumping out of his ground-floor window when he meets Clarence the Devil who needs to finally earn his horns by showing Eric how his life really was worthless and had no effect whatsoever on anything. Premiers on Breitbart Streaming Channel December 12.

“White, White, Extremely White Christmas” The mayonnaise factory is having a contest because White Willie Pence is being forced to retire because he lost the election. So the week before Christmas Pence sends out White Tickets to all the Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish kids in the town. He is summoning all the blond, blue-eyed children to see which one will win the Whites only mayonnaise factory for their very own. But a glitch happens because the mail was screwed up by the postmaster in town, Louis DeJoy. It seems all the White Tickets accidentally went to a minority neighborhood and black and brown kids show up. Hilarity ensues when Pence turns purple, has a stroke, and due to hospital bed shortages caused by the pandemic, he has to share a room with a gay couple. Premiers on Fox News Channel December 14.

“A First Lady Last Christmas” First lady Melania Trump takes us on a tour of the hellscape that is her life as expressed by her choice of Christmas decorations for the White House. Whether it’s the creepy icy branches that want to grab you and pull off your limbs or blood-red Christmas trees that say “used tampons,” her view of Christmas would even scare Stephen Miller. For 2020, Mrs. Trump has added some unique artistic ornaments to the decor made by child laborers doing eighteen-hour shifts in Peking. Ornaments that say “Help me, I am being held against my will” fit right in with the First Lady’s theme of “Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff!” So join the First Lady this Christmas Eve for a “Be Best” holiday special. Premiers December 24, 2020, on Sinclair Broadcasting.

So enjoy these holiday specials and as Saint Nicholas said, “Happy Christmas to all and to Trump a good riddance!”

I am not Tom Selleck. But this is not my first rodeo. And let me tell you something. I wouldn’t be here if I thought that an election was a way to take advantage of any American president or worse, that it was some way to get you out of The White House. It’s just an election, designed for a democracy and it’s helped over forty-four presidents. An election isn’t some kind of trick to take your White House. It’s an election, like the ones in Russia, Turkey, or Iran. The big difference is the elections in the United States are real and how you react to losing.

Find out how American elections work with American Democracy’s free, no-obligation election information guide. Eliminate daily intelligence briefings, watch cable TV non-stop, or just use your leisure time to pretend you will run in 2024 and keep fleecing those knuckleheads who voted for you. Call now and get your free information kit. Call 1-800-ILOSTBIGLY. Former White House staffers between jobs are standing by to take your call.

With elections that you win you get to stay in the White House for four more years. But when you lose an election, you can either concede defeat right away or wait until January 20, 2021, when you are escorted out of the White House by federal marshals. Discover the option that’s best for you! Call today for American Democracy’s no-obligation losing an election guide.

You’ve been fleecing the American people for four years, raking in foreign money through illegal emoluments, doing all the wrong things and the White House has become your crime family’s heart and soul. Now you can take those bribes and retire to Mar-A-Lago and enjoy the money you grifted. Listen, losing elections aren’t for everyone. After all, Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and even Barack Hussein Obama all were re-elected. Look, I’ve been around long enough to know what’s what. I’m proud of the voters that chose Joe Biden. I trust them. I think you can too!

Call American Democracy now for the best way to make a graceful exit. Call 1-800-ILOSTBIGLY so you can…

GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

This is it! The sales event you’ve all been waiting for. That’s right, it’s the Donald J. Trump seventh bankruptcy and going-out-of-business sale and it’s just in time for Black Friday. Even though Donnie prefers White sales we are putting everything on sale and everything must go. MAGA hats, MAGA tees, MAGA scarves, MAGA face masks (never worn), MAGA flags, yard signs, pins, and more! All at up to ninety percent discount. Here are some of the MAGA-nificent holiday deals you can get right now!

  • The entire Rudy Giuliani legal team. This is a complete set of sorry-ass attorneys who are almost unused in a courtroom. In fact, they have not won a case in thirty-two tries, so they are virtual legal virgins. Included in the package is a lifetime supply of Giuliani hair care products including the same motor oil you saw running down Rudy’s face at news conferences. Comes in regular or synthetic.
  • Prop Bibles for use in fake religious events, swearings-in ceremonies, or to hold up in front of any church to make you look like a religious moron. Use these props to impress prospective in-laws, employers, or right-wing Christian bigots who will all say, “Hey, this person knows their Two Corinthians!” Or just use the handy hollowed-out interior to hide your weed.
  • MAGA union suits with a built-in iPhone pocket for that midnight tweeting rant. The front has a tiny hole for your tiny mushroom and an extra-large back-panel for those extra-large cheeks. Stay warm while you flush ten, fifteen, or twenty times! Comes in sizes L, XL, XXL, XXXL, and XXXXXDONNIE.
  • For the women, we have MAGA yoga pants, most were never worn. All MAGA pants come with “Grab here!” embroidered right on the crotch. For an extra ten-dollar fee we will engrave your favorite Trump word on your ass. Choose from Covfefe, Yosemite, Thighland, Hamburders, or Oranges.
  • One thousand cases of unused hydroxychloroquine for general use or to cure still undiscovered viruses. Each case comes with a free pre-lubricated ultraviolet anal prob to get to those hard-to-reach viruses. And don’t forget the bleach. We have Clorox in five, ten, and twenty-gallon sizes. Or for the larger families, try our fifty-five-gallon size to drink away the COVID! Works on laundry too!
  • Presidential linen sheets with authentic pee stains from Russian hookers. These come with a pee-pee tape of authenticity and are numbered one through forty-five. Supplies are limited so don’t piss away this opportunity to own a drop of history.
  • Framed replicas of love letters from Kim jong-un to Donnie himself expressing his love and admiration for our mentally deranged dotard. These bear the signature of Rocketman himself and are a limited edition.
  • Kimberly Guilfoyle megaphones emblazoned with “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!” on the side. Scream like a banshee with an electric prod up her ass with a voice that says, “I should have left that last line of cocaine on the table!”
  • Super-extra long ties for that super-extra big belly. If you have that beer-belly short-tie problem, we have the solution. Donald J. Trump is offering a clearance sale of all his fifty-foot ties for eighty-percent off retail. That’s right, and we are offering free shipping directly to your door from our factory in Wuhan. Use the code-word “COVID-19” for an extra five percent off.
  • Unused canisters of tear gas and pepper spray for those hard to clean- out crowds hanging around your house. These are also useful to clear out lingering guests during the holidays. Also, we have riot shields, batons, riot helmets, and fake police uniforms to complete your crowd-control wardrobe.
  • Life-size cutouts of Ivanka and Jared Kushner. Helpful in scaring spiders, cockroaches, rats, and assorted vermin out of your home. Also, you can spread these around your yard to keep unwanted visitors away. Also available in punching bags.

So get a head start on your holiday shopping while the Trump family gets a head start out of Washington ahead of the arrest warrants. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a piece of the history of the last four years so you can show your grandchildren what a fucking nightmare you lived through. And with every order we will send you a “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Hillary!” tee-shirt absolutely free.

Call now, former Trump staffers who are between jobs are standing by to take your orders. And remember, this sale is final and everything must go. And yes, Donald, that includes YOU!

There was big news this week. No, not that Joe Biden finally ended our national nightmare. Not that they delivered a truckload of depends to the White House. The big news was the premiere this week of PlayStation Five! But that was not even the biggest news. PlayStation Five has a new game that is raging all over the gammer world: “Stop the Trump.”

“Stop the Trump” follows the presidency of Donald Trump and the goal is to save the United States from total destruction. As the players move up the levels they are given various weapons to try to save the republic.

Level One: As Donald Trump descends the golden escalator, the players have to try to stop him from announcing that he is running for president. The players must help Mexican drug lords jump over the Mexican border who will try to trip him and make him fall down the steps. If a player collects five drug lords, they get to control Melania and she will happily push Trump herself. If a player succeeds in having Melania push Trump down the steps, that player proceeds to Level Two.

Level Two: Trump has survived the fall and is in the Republican primaries. The players use Trump’s opponents to try to stop him from getting the nomination. Each time Trump sticks a stupid nickname on an opponent they are eliminated. L’il Marco, boom! Low Energy Jed, boom! Lyin’ Ted, boom. Once all his opponents are humiliated, Lindsey Graham attaches himself to Trump’s ass and forces the game to Level Three.

Level Three: Trump has the nomination and the only one who can stop him from becoming president is Hillary Clinton. She is very strong, but watch out! Trump calls her Crooked Hillary and she is weakened. As the summer and fall proceed, Hillary gets stronger mostly because Trump cannot use the English language or form complete sentences. Hillary gets stronger and stronger with the debates and Access Hollywood tapes. But watch out! Vladimir Putin hits Hillary in the head with a brick of emails just as The Comey Letter falls on Hillary crushing her. Trump wins and we proceed to Level Four.

Level Four: The world is in chaos. Trump is banning Muslims and pissing on allies like a Russian hooker. Try to slow him down with lawsuits and finally try to crunch him with The Mueller Report. But watch out for Bill Barr! He BLOCKS the report and Trump gets stronger. Nancy Pelosi steps in and impeaches his ass but fifty-two senators attach their lips to his ass and drag him past the finish line to acquittal! BUT WAIT! What is that coughing and sneezing we hear? It’s a PANDEMIC. Trump is on the run and begins throwing bleach at the players who have to follow the ultraviolet light and get to Level Five and Election Day!

Level Five: It’s Donald Trump versus Joe Biden. And don’t get caught in the crossfire because the insults are flying. But watch out Donald, there’s a virus with your name on it and you got it! Boom! In the hospital with you while Joe just rolls along. But Donald comes back and tries to win the election by killing his own followers. As election night progresses it looks like a red mirage but hold on! Here comes the blue shift! More and more states turn blue, and Joe is declared the winner! Trump refuses to concede but the writing is on Steve Kornacki’s magic wall and it flashes in bright blue letters…

GAME OVER!

Dear Mr. Trump,

Today, November 8, 2020, is the anniversary of your hiring and marks marks the end of your probationary period. The people of the United States have reviewed your job performance over that time and has considered you for retention as an employee of our organization. Attached is a copy of that review. The rating scale for each category is Excellent (10 points), Good (6 points), Needs improvement (1 point), and Holy Shit What the Fuck Were We Thinking When We Hired You? (0 points). Attached is a copy of that review:

  • Job Knowledge: During the past four years, you have not demonstrated the slightest hint that you know anything about why you were hired. You have the I.Q. of a table lamp and not nearly as bright. You have resisted every attempt to train you in the most basic functions of the job and on many occasions had to be told to stop using Twitter during training sessions. You have demonstrated the attention span of a common housefly and the intellectual curiosity of an empty bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Incidentally, we have repeatedly asked you to remove your empty buckets from the break room. And did we mention the fucking Tweeting? (0) points.
  • Work Quality: When we hired you, you took an oath to help make our organization great. Over the last four years, your dismal work habits have caused the organization to go into record debt and insulted our most valued customers. In addition, you have often been caught giving organization secrets to our competitors. In fact, some of your fellow employees have suspected that you actually work for our competitors. During your interim evaluation, you were warned that bringing your children to work and allowing them to play with company equipment has caused billions of dollars in damage. Eric alone caused this company four million dollars in repair bills when he stuck his tongue into one of our computer servers. (0) points.
  • Work Relations: During your last four years we have provided you with staff in an effort to assist you in your job. As a result, the organization has experienced the largest turnover of employees ever experienced during a four year period. Some of them have even shown up on milk cartons. One described you as “the most flawed person I have ever met in my life.” Most just said you sucked. (0) points.
  • Attendance: You have been employed for 1,385 days. In that time you have spent 283 days golfing and cost the organization $142,000,000 in green fees. That leaves 1102 days during which you were caught a total of 1100 days watching Fox News on your computer. Basically, you were never really here. (0) points
  • Overall Rating: Congratulations! You are the first employee to occupy this job to earn zero points on an employee evaluation. The closest to you was Richard Nixon who at least scored a point for quitting voluntarily.

    The attached employee performance review was forwarded to our board of directors on November 3, 2020. The board carefully considered your evaluation and the comments from your supervisors. After three days of careful consideration, the board has reached a conclusion: YOU’RE FIRED!