What a busy week of news! We had disturbing new revelations on a new book on the last days of the Trump-o-potamus by Woodward and Costa detailing how close we were to a total Constitutional meltdown. There was an exciting SpaceX launch that for the first time put a team of civilians into orbit. Gavin Newsom crushed a challenge by the American Taliban Larry Elder to keep the governorship of California away from a bunch of escapees from an asylum. And the climate kept warning us that it isn’t nice to fool with Mother Nature by burning down half the planet and flooding the other half.

But the biggest controversy came from rapper and noted research scientist Nicki Minaj who added one more turd of misinformation to the dung pile already stinking up social media. In a Tweet she said, “They want you to get vaccinated for the Met. if I get vaccinated it won’t be for the Met. It’ll be once I feel I’ve done enough research. I’m working on that now.” Yes, she is hard at work in her lab with all those Bunsen Burners and rap lyrics trying to figure out the difference between mRNA and WTF?  

But why, you ask? Why does poor Ms. Minaj have to spend so much time away from the recording studio to save mankind from a poorly researched vaccine? We’ll let her Tweet explain: “My cousin in Trinidad won’t get the vaccine cuz his friend got it & became impotent. His testicles became swollen. His friend was weeks away from getting married, now the girl called off the wedding.” There you have it, Trump-ass-sized balls! (Hint to Nicki’s cousin’s friend: The vaccine goes in your ARM!).

Enter the vaccinated anti-vaxxer Tucker Carlson who is so concerned for Nicki’s cousin’s friend that he wants him to come on the show and tell his swollen tale of woe. In fact, Tucker is willing to go to Trinidad to do the interview! Why? Because Tucker himself has been shitting disinformation all over America and this just fits into some of the cases he’s found. Like:

  • Rudy Giuliani’s son’s best friend’s cousin’s brother who got the vaccine and began leaking oil from his sideburns. Oh wait, that WAS Rudy Giuliani.
  • Donald Trump Jr.’s cocaine supplier’s third customer from last Wednesday got the vaccine and developed swollen nostrils the size of airplane hangars. DTJ immediately wanted to know where they got that particular vaccine because, hey, BIG NOSTRILS!
  • Marjorie Taylor Greene’s third cousin twice removed (from a yoga class for disorderly conduct) got the vaccine and is now as dumb as a bag of dildos. Welcome to the Taylor family, cousin!
  • Matt Gaetz’ wife’s cousin’s third wife’s step son grew another penis after receiving the Moderna vaccine. Poor guy was only one week from his wedding and his fiance called it off. The good news is that his eHarmony app has exploded! “Wow, think of Prom night!” Matt said.
  • Finally, Kevin McCarthy heard of a guy who got the vaccine and now his lips pucker every time he is near a picture of Donald Trump’s ass. “That’s a problem?” asked McCarthy.

Now the controversy over Mr. Big Scrotum prompted the health minister of Trinidad and Tobago to waste time trying to track down the case, but found “absolutely no reported such side effect or adverse effect of testicular swelling in Trinidad.” So, Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend, if you do go on Tucker Carlson’s show you would be lying and THAT would take a LOT of balls!

Are you tired of science? Are you tired of scientists? Are you tired of medical advice from so-called experts who want you to wear masks with government microphones and get a computer chip injected into your arm? Well the MAGA/Fox Labs they want you to know that they are constantly working on solutions that will protect you from COVID and at the same time preserve your freedoms. So the medical school janitors who brought you Clorox injections and Ivermectin Flintstone chewables have gone back to their labs and developed an even newer treatment for the virus. Introducing Compound Q.

What’s is Compound Q? Well, it’s all the rage on TikTok so it must be the real deal! They took ground up shoe inserts from Dr. Scholl’s and added some self-stick corn removers. Then, they mixed it all up in an old tube of Compound W wart remover with some ground flea and tick collars to bring you the ultimate COVID-19 cure, Compound Q. Don’t be fooled by other so-called cures like the Pfizer or Moderna vaccine. Those vaccines depend on mRNA to give immunity to the virus. And chances are, you don’t even know what that means. Well at the MAGA/Fox labs, we don’t either. What we do know is that TikTok users all agree that vaccines are a liberal plot to turn real Americans into gay abortion doctors and take away your guns. But Compound Q protects your second amendment rights as well as your body by offering the latest ingredients featured in all the popular internet conspiracy sites. Our formula is based on dumbRNA. We threw the kitchen sink at covid and yes, Compound Q has little bits of metal from old kitchen sinks.

Look, you have the right to say what you do with your own body, unless you’re a woman in Texas. So don’t fall for all that scientific mumbo jumbo and take Compound Q. Throw away that mask, refuse the vaccines, and as we say at MAGA/Fox Labs, forget the “Fauci Ouchie” and take a “Foxie Toxie!” It’s got horse dewormer in it and really, isn’t all of MAGA world just one big horse’s ass?

The speed with which the takeover happened is breathtaking. The scene on the ground has been absolute chaos. As the government is moving against its own citizens, people are frantically trying to get out. The streets are full of people who want to escape the oppression of their government. The highways are jammed. And the mobs at the airport are heartbreaking as at-risk families try desperately to get the next flight out. The children are fearful for their lives as the deadline for getting to safety approaches. And the pleas to Washington to do more to help these refugees are getting more frantic. Yes, this is the situation in Florida as the new school year approaches under the rule of Ron DeSantis, the Emperor Nero of the Sunshine State.

Governor DeSantis, or as the resistance movement in Florida calls him, Gov. DeathSentence, doubled and tripled down this week on his executive orders as his state reached the highest infection rates than at any time during the pandemic began. And while all this is happening, he is fiddling away to his knuckle dragging base as the world watches Florida burn to the ground. But the Clown Car Update has learned that Gov. DeathSentence is not stopping there. Leaked documents that were thoroughly sanitized with Purell before we touched them indicate further restrictions on safety mandates are planned. Here are some of the school safety protocols he is planning to roll back in the name of freedumb!

  • Schools will no longer be able to require fire extinguishers. The governor wants every parent to decide if they want a fire extinguished if it breaks out in a school facility. In a draft statement, the governor will say, “We want the parents to be free to assess the situation and decide for themselves what, if any, measures are to be taken for the safety of their children.”
  • Crossing guards will no longer be able to tell students when it is or is not safe to cross the street. It is imperative that freedom of parents to let their children cross whenever they want, preserving individual choice. In addition, it will be an important life lesson for how to dodge traffic as adults, if they get that far.
  • In line with the elimination of crossing guards, school districts will be banned from imposing speed limits in school zones. Drivers will be free of excessive restrictions on their time from government interference so they can speed to their destination without local officials telling them how fast they can drive past crossing students.
  • Food standards in school cafeterias will be eliminated, allowing parents to decide what their child can and cannot eat or drink. In line with this executive order, fast food, sugary drinks, candy, cigarettes and alcoholic beverages will be offered as a freedom alternative.
  • State inspection of school buses will be eliminated as well as mandatorly background checks for drivers so that parents can decide on the safety standards of the vehicles their children ride on. The governor is expected to encourage parents to “go kick the tires yourself, or take it for a spin with your kids and fifty of their friends!”

If all these proposed executive actions have you concerned about the fate of the people of Florida, you can do your part by sponsoring a refugee fleeing from the American Taliban. Or simply donate to clowncarrefugeefund.what? Or if you can’t do anything, don’t worry because according to the latest climate data, the entire state will be underwater before the school year is over!

It’s been a rough couple of weeks for the “My Pillow” guy. Despite all the pillow hugging in the world, Mike Lindell couldn’t prevent the “implosion” of his fantastical conspiracy theory that the 2020 election was stolen from Donald Trump by Gay Chinese Italian Taliban Mexican Antifa infiltrators with super lasers from space. But when the data was analysed by the very experts he hired to present his case, they said, “we were handed a turd!” Undaunted, poor Mike tried to continue with his “symposium” only to be interrupted with more bad news, that federal Judge Carl Nichols ruled that the defamation suit by Dominion Voting systems against Three Stooges of Election Fraud, Sidney Powell, Rudy Giuliani and Mike Lindell, coud move forward. Then, just as Mike was going back to his hotel room, he claimed he was “agressively poked” by a man holding an orange object, possibly a Donald Trump action figure?

All this misfortune has affected Mike’s pillow business to the extent that he is now getting desperate. As a result, Mike is expanding his multi-million dollar empire with a new breakfast product. Introducing Consperios the My Pillow of cereal! And the Clown Car Update has obtained a copy of the first commercial Mike Lindell has taped to premier on Fox News:

HI, Mike Lindell here with a new product I just know you’re going to love. After a restful night’s sleep on one of my world class pillows, you just want to have a hearty breakfast. But none of the commercially available cereals can satisfy the craving you have to see Donald Trump reinstated as president. Ordinary cereals just offer nutrition, but Consperios add your daily requirement of real nutty conspiracy updates RIGHT IN THE BOX! That’s right, just pour Consperios into your bowl, add your Jack Daniels, and the letters spell out a secret message. Maybe it’s the latest update of Donald Trump’s reinstatement! Maybe it’s the position of Italian satellites! Maybe it’s the date of my next psych eval! Whatever the message, you will be able to easily decipher it with the enclosed Mike Lindell decoder ring inside every box. Impress your co-workers with your inside knowledge of Antifa training camp locations, which of the teachers in your school are Taliban, how masks are really microphones to the government, and many, many more. Consperios is not available in any store, mainly because of a ban by the FDA. But you can get it by phoning the number on your screen in the next five minutes because we have to keep changing the number. (Not responsible for physical damage due to swallowing the decoder ring. Not a real food product.) Consperios, the breakfast of chumpions!

Now the Clown Car update does not endorse this product and the claims made in the commercial are solely the claims of a deranged lunatic. In fact, we would not ingest anything Mike Lindell is selling. To quote his experts, “we were handed a turd!”

What are the eight most terrifying words in the English language? Answer: “Hi. It’s Rudy Giuliani and I’m on Cameo.” That’s right, the embattled attorney for the former president and man from Fantasy Island Adult Bookstore is hawking his face on Cameo! He goes on to say: “If there is an issue you want to discuss or a story you’d like to hear or share with me or a greeting that I can bring to someone that would bring happiness to their day, I would be delighted to do it. It can be arranged. We can talk through the magic of Cameo.”

You heard that right. For the small sum of $275.00 US you can have Rudy send surprise greetings to any of your soon-to-be former friends and relatives. Why, you ask, is Rudy doing this? Well, maybe it’s because he is facing mounting legal bills from a $1.3 billion dollar lawsuit from Dominion Voting Systems. Or maybe it’s because he lost his licence to practice law in New York and D.C. Or maybe he is under the delusion that under President Biden’s new infrastructure bill he can finally get his lower bridge fixed. Whatever the reason, here he is pimping his leaky face to the public. And, of course, here at the Clown Car Update we have obtained some sample greetings that Rudy would be happy to spit all over a camera for you:

For a Bris: “HI, this is Rudy Giuliani wishing the (insert family name) family a beautiful Bris and hoping the mohel doesn’t cut your child’s penis off the way Donald Trump did with my legal bills!”

For a wedding: “Hi, Rudy Giuliani here to wish (insert couple’s names) a wonderful wedding day for the you and both your families, which in my case were all the same family.”

Birthday: “Hi, Rudy Giuliani here to wish (insert name) a very happy birthday. And take it from a man with experience and use a sneeze screen over your cake before blowing out the candles.”

Answering machine message: “Hi, you have reached the phone of the (insert family name) family. This is Rudy Giuliani and I’m here answering their phone in exchange for a place to hide from a subpoena.

Congratulations: “Congratulations from Rudy Giuliani on passing your bar exams. May you enjoy a long and successful career which can start by some pro-bono work on my behalf. You can reach me at 212-222-2222. Ask for “Cheech.”

New Home: “Hi, Rudy Giuliani here wishing the (insert family name) family good luck in your new home. And if you happen to have a basement outside the jurisdiction of the Manhattan DA’s office call me at 212-222-2222. Ask for “Morty.”

Retirement: “Rudy Giuliani here to say you’re as free as a bird now, which is something I may not be able to say in a few months.”

Engagement: “Rudy Giuliani here to offer congratulations on your engagement. Family reunions are wonderful!”

And finally,

Missing You: “Hi, its Rudy Giuliani here. Come on, Donny, you fat orange fuck! And don’t hang up again or I spill the beans on the pee-pee tape!”

According to a report by Right Wing Watch, Sarah Palin is praying. She is praying that America is not taken away from God as the founders intended. She is praying that America stops its shift to the left. And most of all, she is praying to God to see if he wants her to run for the Senate seat in Alaska. Well, the Clown Car Update took the liberty to text God on this latest threat from the Killa’ from Wasilla, and he sent us a copy of a letter he wrote to Sarah in response to her prayers:

Dear Ms. Palin,

Admittedly I have been distracted lately and many important details have slipped through my omnipotence. After Barack Obama was elected in 2010, I sort of relaxed and took my eye off your little blue ball for a bit and it ended up costing me. For one thing, I messed up on that Tea Party nonsense in 2010 and then I was side-swiped by seeing John Boehner become the Speaker of the House. At the urging of the Archangel Caucus here, I woke up long enough to prevent a Mormon from becoming president. THAT was a close one. First, I created eels to be slippery, but not Mitt Romney. He became that all on his own. Oh, and by the way, you might tell the the world I really don’t care about Mormon underwear or that My Pillow Guy either. Spoiler Alert: He’s headed to the other place!

After 2012 I admittedly took a few years off and sure enough, that Trump slime-ball slipped past my robe and beard. So forgive me, but I really have had my hands full undoing that divine mishap from the last four years. I did everything I could to get rid of that asswipe but my son warned me that Mueller was never going to pan out. So crucify me, already! I briefly thought of hitting that pile of dinosaur dung with a bolt of lightning when he held up that bible, but everyone thought it would be too flashy so I took the traditional route and sent a plague. So sorry about all the inconvenience and all, but, hey, give me credit, it worked and Netflix stock went through the roof!

Well, just as my man Joe Biden is president and all is going great with the Universe again – (I still have to deal with that Greene and Gaetz duo but a few well placed herpes viruses should take care of them) – I get this text message that you are waiting for me to tell you to run for the Senate?!? Let me be divinely clear: I never wanted you to exist in the first place, let alone run for anything! My best hope for you was that you would be trampled on by a moose after slugging a fifth of Jack Daniels and passing out in a wildlife preserve. But NO! After all I did for John McCain he double crossed me and put you on the ticket! That was the biggest breach of my instructions since Lot’s wife just HAD to look back at Sodom one more time. Pass the salt, please. So then I had to destroy the entire economy to get rid of you. That’s right, I crashed the housing market to prevent you from ever running again. And to make sure your political career was dead forever, I got you a gig on the closest thing to Hell that is on earth, Fox News.

So my message to your should be clear. NO! I do not want you to run for Senate. What I WANT is for one of the Robertson clan to mistake you for a duck! And just to make myself clear, be warned: If you do, I will see to it that Bristol ends up on Dancing With the Stars with Sean Spicer who gets her pregnant during rehearsal, may I be my witness! Stick that up your gotcha and smoke it!

May I Bless You,
God

P.S. Suck it up, cupcake!

The summer and fall tour season is here and concerts are selling out like crazy. Not so much the political carnival tours headlining the sewer rats of the right. According to news sources, the America First Tour containing the twin floating turds Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz have actually cost them more than they raised. And disgraced pussy-grabbing tag team of Donald Trump and Bill O’Reilly have seen ticket sales of their America Uncanceled 2021 tour as dry as a Russian hookers bladder after a night with Donald. As reported in Politico one box office employee was quoted as saying, “We have concerts that are doing a lot better than this.” In fact, Home Depot’s “Grouting Your Own TIle” demo sold more tickets. So to bolster ticket sales these two traveling freak shows are now considering at-the-gate giveaways. And as always the Clown Car Update has been able to obtain an advanced copy of some of their ideas:

Marjorie Taylor Greene Tees: The first five thousand incels will receive an MTG tee shirt with the message “I had sex with MTG and all I got was this lousy tee shirt and the clap!” For incels only. Don’t worry, we’ll know!

Matt Gaetz School Calendar: The first two thousand predators at the door will receive this handy magnetic middle-school calendar chock-full of useful information about all the prom dates, recess times, and girls gym classes. Just attach this handy calendar to the fridge and be a creep just like Matt and never miss another chance to meet the under-age girl of your dreams.

Life-Size Trump Cardboard Cutout: Gene Huber has one, and he prays to it every day! Now the first thousand people at the door can have this life-size cutout of the former fuhrer that is anatomically correct right down to his tiny mushroom. These are so realistic that even Lindsey Graham could not tell if he was kissing the cardboard or Trump’s real ass!

2021 QAnon Daily Planner: Anyone appearing at the door dressed as a shaman will receive this handsome daily planner handy for keeping details of the latest rumors from Trump’s reinstatement date to the next Capitol riot. This is sized perfectly to fit into your tactical belt right next to your bear spray. Just whip it out and record all the crimes you commit at the next insurrection to impress your friends and give the FBI a great exhibit for your trial. Sorry, white covers only.

Bill O’Reilly Talking Doll: The first thousand attendees will receive this realistic talking Bill O’Reilly complete with a sexual harassment lawsuit settlement and an NDA. Just pull the string and hear him recreate his famous on-air meltdown screaming, “Just fuck it, we’ll do it live!”

So get your tickets now to see the biggest douchebags show you how they earned their reputations. And remember, even if you don’t get there early enough for the giveaways, we’ll always give you COVID!

This week it was reported in The Tennessean that “the Tennessee Department of Health will halt all adolescent vaccine outreach – not just for coronavirus, but all diseases – amid pressure from Republican state lawmakers.” Yes, that’s right, the Tennessee Republican party want you to know that your health is secondary to the political agenda of the Trump Cult. And more than that, they want to share the experience of long eradicated diseases with the entire country. As a result, the Tennessee Travel Bureau has re-written its travel guide to reflect the new freedoms you can enjoy in their vaccine-free state. Luckily, the Clown Car Update has been able to obtain an advanced copy and here is an excerpt from the new guide:

“It’s an honor to share our home with you through the pages of the 2021 Tennessee Vacation Guide. Whether you come for our warmed over sushi, seven strains of gonorrhea, unparalleled emergency room experiences or breathtaking ventilators, we know you’ll agree there’s no place to experience long eradicated diseases quite like Tennessee. This year’s guide offers a glimpse into Tennessee’s locally grown Covid-19 Delta variants, inspired by our state Republican Party from the January 6th insurrection right to the to the Delta itself! Our food, totally uninspected and free of FDA regulation, our breweries of god-knows-what, and our world-renowned whiskey, wine and moonshine are as contaminated as our ever-changing election laws, with a surprise in store for you around every sneeze and cough. Begin your road trip in one of our many refurbished emergency vehicles and visit our vibrant medical centers or charming small urgent care clinics. Tennessee is steeped in the history, storytelling and traditions of diseases only your great-great-great grandparents could tell you about, like diphtheria, Whooping Cough, and polio! Walk in the footsteps of freedom fighting lepers at the 12 Tennessee stops on the Tennessee My Body My Choice Trail. Follow the pandemics of legends on the Tennessee Pandemic Pathways. Uncover the stories and strategies of plague planning along the Plagues of the Past Trails. Get lost in our medical bureaucracy and discover something unexpected like mumps and congenital rubella on the Discover Tennessee Freedom From Vaccine Trails & Byways. Whether you’re just passing on, or sticking around for a while to see if your wife survived the cholera she caught at one of our water parks, we welcome you to share our unparalleled love for Tennessee. We’re sure you’ll agree – there is truly no better place to get infected, pass out and die. Tennessee, the last stop on your kick-the-bucket list!”

They’re wacky and funny and are lots of fun to watch. It’s like the Three Stooges without the intellectual content. That’s right, we’re talking about the Moe-Larry-Curly-and-sometimes-Shemp of the right wing, Marjorie Taylor Greene, Matt Gaetz, and Lyin’ Ted Cruz! Of course, the sometimes-Shemp role goes to Rudy Giuliani. These creatures have been entertaining us ever since America realized there was money to be made from selling stupidity and now they have a store! It’s the Right Wing Nuttery Shop! That’s right, besides far-out stories about Italian satellites and bamboo ballots, they now have merchandise to sell to their knucklehead followers. Here is a sample of some of the wonderfully bonkers items that you can buy to show your friends that you’re a bigger sucker than they ever gave you credit for:

  • Marjorie Taylor Greene Coffee Mugs: You thought her voice was enough to make your hair stand straight up, just think of having your first brew of the morning with HER mug staring back at you from YOUR mug. And these mugs come in three bright colors. Choose from Conspiracy Zone Red, Supremacist White, or Bamboo Ballot Tan. $14.99.
  • Matt Gaetz Action Figure: These action figures are poseable and come with a variety of accessories such as “Prom Night Tuxedo,” “Flight to the Bahamas Carry-on,” or the ever popular “Flasher Trench Coat.” And with the built-to-scale middle school building, you can pose Matt picking up chicks between classes or just chillin’ before flashin’! $24.99. Middle-School sold separately.
  • Ted Cruz Fake Beard: The face you love to hate can now be your look too. Admit it. You’ve watched Lyin’ Ted on T.V. and said to yourself, “How can I get my face to look like a corn field was just ravaged by a swarm of locusts?” Well here is your chance with the Ted Cruz Fake Beard made from authentic mange-eaten dead opossum fur. Comes with Gorilla Face Adhesive. $49.99.
  • Authentic Rudy Giuliani Business Cards: These are the real thing! Actual business cards autographed by Rudy himself just before New York and D.C. suspended his law licence. These one-of-a-kind items are a limited edition and are numbered one through whatever number will sell. These cards are the same ones Rudy passed out at the Four Seasons Landscaping news conference and come with a $5.00 off coupon to Fantasy Island Adult Book Store. $5.99/10 cards.
  • MJT Hoodies: Declare to the world that “I’m white-supremacist proud!” with the Marjorie Taylor Greene hoodie. Yes, this is a hooded sweatshirt made from the same material the grand wizards use on their robes with the letters M.J.T forming a burning cross. Comes in Small, Medium, Large, XL, XXl, XXXL, and Trump-L. White only. $79.99.
  • Replica Jewish Space Laser Cigarette Lighter: This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance to own a true collector’s item. This built-to-scale replica of the actual Jewish Space Lasers used to to set wildfires in California is an actual functioning lighter. Just press the Star of David and light up a stogie or start a wildfire of your own. And if you order now, we will include a replica Italian Spy Satellite that changes Trump votes to Biden votes on its bright LED display. $99.99.

So come to the RIght Wing Nuttery Shop and stock up on the unique and exclusive merchandise they are selling along with all their other bullshit. Don’t miss out. These are just a few of the hundreds of items available at the RIght Wing Nuttery Shop. There are many, many more because when it comes to what the right wing is selling, they’re full of it!

Is there trouble in Trumpington? Well, if you believe the reporting from CNN this week, Ivanka, the Daphne Trumpington of the story, and Jared, her Simon Bassetthound, Duke of Hastyexits, are trying to distance themselves from the now deposed monarch of the realm, King Donald Duck Trumpington the XLV. All the Kushners want is to return to the center of the social life they once had and rid themselves of the stench of the four years her father spent in the White House pissing all over America like a Russian hooker with a leaky bladder. According to CNN, the even though they live close by to Mar-A-Lago, their visits have become as infrequent as Donald Trump’s bowel movements. So how do you know when your own spawn can’t stand the smell of a loser-father? Well, here are the top ten signs your kids don’t want you to call anymore:

10. Last week, Jared and Ivanka were seen shopping for a Father’s Day gift at the “Ten Foot Pole Store.”

9. Ivanka’s Father’s Day card included an Ancetry.com paternity test.

8. Jared and Ivanka’s children stopped referring to Donald as Pop-Pop and now refer to him as Pop-Off.

7. Jared and Ivanka sent Donald a note saying “It’s not you, it’s US!”

6. During his last days in office Ivanka cut out all lap-dances.

5. When speaking to Donald, Ivanka and Jared use untraceable burner phones.

4. Ivanka asked Donald to treat her any differently than Eric or Tiffany.

3. While vacation in Cancun, Jared and Ivanka requested asylum.

2. The Kushner’s new return address is the Manhattan District Attorney’s Office

1. “Donald Trump? I think he was the coffee boy?”

Of course, we all should take this reporting with a healthy dose of hydroxychloroquine and a side of bleach because here at the Clown Car Update we find it hard to believe that Kushvanka would ever completely separate themselves from that big ass of a cash machine, even if they have to smell of the gas. So I think the best case scenario is that the Manhattan DA’s office will soon help the Trumpingtons have a second season as one big happy family sharing a cellblock somewhere in Git-Mo-Lago.