The Clown Car Update for August 12, 2018

Space Force: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Robert S. Mueller. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new cults, to seek out low-life and uncivilized creatures, to boldly indict those who have never been indicted before!

Captains log, Stardate 8645, Captain Obama reporting. Our orders are to visit the prison planet Manafort 10 where Star Fleet has reported a prison break. The crew has been placed on high alert because of the danger of being hit with the enemy’s deadly piss-Ray. Manafort 10 orbits the star Cheeto, an exceptionally orange star in the Trumpian galaxy. This is the most feared of all the penal planets in the United Federation of Planets. It is here the infamous Trumpoids, the creation of a genetic experiment by the Twentieth Century madman Vladimir Putin.  After they were captured and convicted they were put into suspended animation and made to watch reruns of the Rosie O’Donnell Show. That was until a few solar days ago when some hackers from the planet Vlad cut the power to Manafort 10 and released the prisoners. Our mission: capture the prisoners and return them to Manafort 10.

As the crew of the Starship Mueller enters the orbit of Manafort 10, they are hailed by another ship. First Officer Biden alerts Obama, “Captain, we are being hailed by a rogue vessel claiming to be the Starship Collusion.” The captain knew that could not be true because the Collusion was captured centuries ago along with the entire Trump base which was finally destroyed after being forced to eat all their own soybeans and clean coal. “On the screen,” Captain Obama ordered as the fuzzy orange image in front of him came into focus. As the captain leaned forward to look closer, he was shocked as he whispered: “It can’t be! A grown man with such tiny hands!”  But there, at the helm of the Collusion was the master grifter himself, the man who conned a thousand voters, Donald J. Trump. And right at his side, standing there with the same stupid grin that was frozen on his face for a thousand years was his second-in-command the evil Lt. Pence.

At first, the glare blinded the crew, but Lt. Biden quickly put up the orange filter on the screen. “We just want you to come over for a talk, Captain Obama said to Trump. But Trump fired back,  “I will not talk to you on advice from my legal officer Ensign Giuliani!”

Just then, out of nowhere, the Collusion was joined by its allied ships, the Hannity and the Nunes. They had been using their fact-cloaking device. Outflanked, Capt. Obama gave the order, “Mr. Biden, fire the phasers, full facts!” “Direct hit,” Biden bellowed as the Hannity and Nunes retreated. But the Collusion was still there, as defiant as ever.  “Will you talk to us now?” Obama demanded, but Ensign Guiliani just laughed as his eyes bugged out and he spits at the captain, “NO COLLUSION! ZERO!” Since the view screen was now covered in spittle, Capt. Obama had only one choice. “Mr. Biden, windshield wipers on and load subpoena torpedos!”  “Subpoena torpedos ready, captain,” Biden bellowed back. “FIRE!” The subpoenas hit the Collusion totally disabling the ship. With that, the Trump cult surrendered and was beamed over to the Mueller. “Take them all to the brig,’ Capt. Obama commanded the security detail, “All but Mr. Pence. I want him to remain in the custody of Lt. Takei!” “MOTHER!”, Pence screamed and Lt. Takei just muttered: “Oh, my!”

After the captain informed Star Fleet that the Trumpoids were in custody, they were ordered to return them to Manafort 10, “I think we let that orange monster off too easy,” Mr. Biden complained. “Oh, I don’t think so, Mr. Biden. This time we left him in a cell alone with Melania and some Trump University graduates! GO PRICKS!”

And tune in next week for the next exciting adventure of “Space Force” entitled Do Green Orion Women Still Pee Yellow? 

The Clown Car Update for August 5, 2018

Everyone has had it happen to them. You spend an hour at the supermarket, going up and down the isles and carefully filling your cart with items from your shopping list. Then you stand in line for what seems forever waiting to check out. The cashier scans all your items, bags all your stuff, and that’s when you remember: You forgot your ID at home. On comes the flashing light and here comes the grocery enforcement officer to confiscate your cart and haul you off for questioning. And even if you are cleared, you have wasted hours of your time only to return home without your groceries and have to repeat the entire exercise all over again. Not to mention the fine! Bummer! Well, here at the Clown Car Update we have the solution for you. Avoid the embarrassment of a lost grocery ID, unnecessary arrests, and cavity searches by the same creep collecting carts in the parking lot.  Introducing Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse, the new ID-free grocery delivery service.

When you order your groceries from Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse, we never ask for ID, we never ask for your name or address, and we never know who you are. How do you get your groceries then? Simple. Just call our toll free number, give our operators your complete food order, and we will leave your groceries the at a pre-determined drop off point of your choice. It’s that simple. And with each order, we provide a burner phone so you can securely call us without having to worry that your next grocery order will be traced by a Grocery Enforcement Agent. Simply choose one of our convenient food packages from our large menu:

The G-7: This package includes food from all our favorite trading partners around the world. Italian bread, French dressing, German chocolate cake, Canadian bacon, Japanese sushi, and English muffins. And no matter what Trump says, there will never be any Russian dressing in the G-7!

The Steve Bannon: This package includes all the personal care items that are never used by the real Steve Bannon. Soap, shampoo, deodorant, and flea powder, and a lice comb.

The Basket of Deplorables: All the items Trump supporters have never seen. Toothpaste, mouthwash, and dental floss all wrapped up in a basket made to resemble a tooth, a nostalgic reminder of the time they had one.

The Melania: This is our frozen food section delivered as cold as Melania’s bed. And speaking of Donald, this package includes frozen orange juice and pees (oops, PEAS).

The Cohen: You’ll flip over this package of flapjacks and eggs over easy. But eat these quickly, because they will turn on you!

The Scaramucci: This is for quick orders only. If you need an item really fast, we deliver your order in a “Scaramucci”!

And for a limited time, if you order during the Manafort trial, we will deliver your groceries in bags made or your choice of python or ostrich. This is an eighteen-thousand dollar value absolutely free! And for your convenience, we accept foreign wire transfers.

So forget the hassle of grocery IDs’. Stop worrying about Grocery Enforcement Agents. Forget embarrassing patdowns at the checkout counter. Get your next order from Fat Donnie’s Supermarket Warehouse and enjoy ID-free grocery shopping, because if Fat Donnie knows anything, it’s how to avoid the law!

The Clown Car Update for July 29, 2018

Lordy! There are tapes! That was the news this week as we all were treated to the first installment of the taped conversations between super-attorney Michael Cohen and the President of the United States and last man you want next to you at the restroom urinals, Donald J. Trump. On the tape, you can hear Mike and Donnie plotting to literally cover up his ass. As ugly an image as that is, it was also delicious to listen to two idiots making a bomb that would eventually blow up right in Donnie’s pants. Ouch! But there’s more! The Clown Car Update has been able to obtain some of the over one-hundred tapes still undisclosed. And now, we have put together a boxed set of the Trump-Cohen duets greatest hits available to all our listeners who pledge to vote on November 6, 2018.

Here are a few of the titles you will treasure for years to come:

• I Left My Pants in Downtown Moscow
• Tiny Balls of Fire
• You Can’t Always Piss When You Want
• Good Golly Miss Stormy
• I Heard It Through the Indictment
• Ring of Fired FBI Agents
• Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag of Money
• The Yellow Pee of Texas
• Whiter Shade of Yellow
• Stairway to Prison
• I Walk the Lineup
• Georgia Federal Prison On My Mind
• The Teen Contestants, They Are A-changin!
• (I Can’t Get No) Pardon!

And from the world of great movie themes, we have added:

• Pee-drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head
• Wind Beneath My Pants
• Singin’ In The Golden Rain
• Ding Ding My Dong Is Dead
• Hakuna Your TaTa’s
• Beauty and the Orange Beast
• Up Where It Belongs
• Everybody Does It Better (Melania’s Theme)
• Let’s Call the Whole Investigation Off
• As Prison Time Goes By
• Zipper A-Do-Da
• Thanks for the Mammaries
• The Whizzer of Oz

And if you pledge now, we will send your Trump-Cohen Boxed Set in an authentic replica of the paper bag used in the Watergate payoffs. And that’s not all! If you pledge to take one person with you to vote on November 6, we will include a director’s cut DVD of the Pee-Pee Tape with commentary narrated by producer Vladimir Putin.  Don’t miss this rare opportunity to own the tapes that brought old Donnie Down. And with this perfect keepsake, you will be able to answer your grandchildren when they ask, “What the fuck were you all thinking?!”

The Clown Car Update for July 22, 2018

This week, Donald Trump was summoned by his handler, Vladimir Putin, to Helsinki for his eighteen-month performance review. The review was held in private as required by the Amalgamated Society of Sedition (ASS), Union Local 1600, Moscow. Members of the union are commonly referred to as “ASSes”. During each rating period, an ASS is required to meet with their handler and go over how perfect an ASS they have been. This particular performance review attracted a lot of media attention because it involved Donald Trump, the biggest ASS in the world and his handler, Vladimir Putin. There has been rampant speculation as to what happened in the meeting since the only people in the room were Putin, two interpreters, and the Trump the ASS. But the Clown Car Update was able to acquire a copy of the ASS’s performance review after one of the interpreters left a copy in a bathroom after getting sick listening to the ASS for two hours. So here are some excerpts from Donald Trump’s ASS performance review:

Attendance: Not Satisfactory: Despite the Russian Federation providing you with a big White House and top security, you are hardly ever there. Every time I call to talk about a new policy I want you to try, you are inevitably on a golf course. For example, when I had the idea of building gulags for children crossing the border, much as my hero Joe Stalin did, you were making a fool of yourself swinging a golf club and showing how fat your ass is. As a result, I was forced to give the order directly to that other ASS you have running your justice department. Truthfully, I can’t understand a thing he is saying. Is that English? Anyway, you must make an effort to work more. Try pretending that those hookers I gave you are waiting in your office to pee on your putter.

Communication: Good: You have done a good job convincing your followers that you are a genius. I would have given you an “excellent” in this category except those followers are dumber than you are. Also, you never make complete sentences and sniffle a lot. Keep in mind, the cocaine is for the hookers, not you. You have achieved a good rating because you lie so fast and often that your fake news press can’t keep up. And I will never forget when you told Melania that you were all alone in that hotel room and the dripping sound was a leak in the plumbing. I still laugh every time I watch that video!

Creativity: Needs improvement: You have a hard time thinking “outside the box.” And you know what box I am talking about. Sometimes I think you think with your little Donald instead of that little brain you have. For example, that Stormy Daniels thing has everyone at the Kremlin worried. Why the hell would you give her that much money just to shut her up? You realize there are more effective ways to shut people up? And now she has that lawyer Avenatti. Truthfully, he even scares me. You must try to challenge yourself. As a suggestion, during the next year, try getting Melania to have sex with you.

Managerial Style: Not good: You do not have a managerial style. What you have is the self-control of a four-year-old with diarrhea. Your statements and tweets are causing moral problems with your staff and they are leaving faster than those four Happy Meals are leaving your colon. We know you are the biggest ASS in the White House, but you really don’t need to flaunt it so often.

Technical Skills: Poor: We gave you a smartphone to keep in touch with us, not to spend your time sending tweets that make no sense. For the first year that you worked for us, we actually had our decoders working twenty-four hours a day.  And “covfefe?” That one cost of weeks of work! Get a grip, Donald. Remember we made you president, but above all, you are an ASS.

In summary, your performance to date has been marginal at best, with very few satisfactory moments. You can make a start in improving your performance later today at the press conference by telling the world what a great guy I am. If you can’t improve your performance, we may have to let you go. However, we will let you pass because honestly, you are the biggest ASS we could find right now.

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for July 15, 2018

Donald J. Trump is currently on a historic European trip. He has already attended a NATO conference, met with the Prime Minister and Queen of Great Britain, and on Monday of this week will have a summit with Vladimir Putin. To commemorate this historic occasion,  the Clown Car along with The Franklin Mint is proud to offer for a limited time the Trump European Tour Bobblehead Collection. Each bobblehead is artfully crafted to be a realistic representation of the people and events that occurred as Trump shit over everybody from Brussels to Helsinki. The collection includes:

The Trump Bobblehead: Hand painted in realistic orange tint, this bobblehead is perfectly proportioned and anatomically correct. Each detail was carefully researched to capture the essence of Trump from the urine stains to the tiny hands and penis. Wig glue and depends sold separately.

The Melania Trump Bobblehead: The perfect companion to the Trump bobblehead, this perfect representation of the First Lady complete with her Zara “I really don’t care. Do U?” jacket.  Just don’t get her hand too close to the Trump’s bobblehead tiny hand or she will slap it away like a fly on a horse’s ass. And Melania comes with her own private bedroom, just like at the White House.

The Angela Merkel Bobblehead: She’s tough, she’s German, and she’s ready to stare down the Orange American.  Crafted in a leaning position staring across a table from a sitting Donald, this Angela Bobblehead comes with a Russian pipeline and millions of vehicles she intends to export to the United States. If you wiggle Angela’s finger at Trump, he comically folds his hands, his eyes light up and he shits his pants into a refillable depends. Fake shit sold separately.

The Emmanuel Macron Bobblehead: Emmanuel comes with his own guillotine and military parade. Look out, the Trump bobblehead is going to be jealous! But think twice before you put him on the guillotine, Emmanuel. Just remember what happened to Kathy Griffin! WARNING: If you have the Macron bobblehead shake hands with the Trump bobblehead, it will leave a permanent thumb mark!

The Queen Elizabeth II Bobblehead: This Queen Elizabeth II is exquisitely crafted to depict the Queen of England reacting to meeting Donald Trump for the first time as the Queen kneels in front of her “throne” and throws up. Just fill the Queen’s crown with the provided fake vomit and touch her bum with the Trump bobblehead and she hurls chunks! Buckingham Castle and overactive bladder Prince Phillip sold separately.

The Putin/Trump Meeting Bobbleheads: This is a two bobblehead set and depicts the historic meeting between Donald J. Trump and his Russian handler, Vladimir Putin. Both are depicted shirtless with realistic man-boobs and fat folds. And these bobbleheads double as a clock! Just twist Trump’s wig and he bends over and kisses Putin’s ass repeatedly to count the time of day. At midnight and noon, Trump’s kiss makes a realistic sucking sound.  Accessories include a pee-pee tape, peeing hookers, and a happy meal.

If you order today, the Clown Car and the Franklin Mint will include a replica of the Trump Baby Baloon flown over London during the president’s visit. This is a life-size reproduction and can be flown at family picnics, county fairs, or at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Prade. They can be filled with helium but are best flown with hot gas from a sick colon. These are limited to the first ten million people who order the complete set of bobbleheads. And remember when you think bobblehead, think Trump!

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for July 8, 2018

As predicted by the half-man half-fish prognosticator and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Alex Jones, the Second Civil War broke out on the Fourth of July. It is possible you missed the outbreak of hostilities because you were busy grilling burgers and watching fireworks displays. That is exactly what the liberal left wanted you to be doing while they launched a brutal attack on Trump supporters while they were eating dinner at their favorite restaurants. Reports of cruel stares, lousy service, and deliberately late appetizers were rampant. In one extreme case, there were reports of Trump supporters being served food with gluten. Others had their cheese plates taken from the table early and denied Perrier, Geneva Conventions be damned!

After the outbreak of hostilities, there were floods of heartbreaking letters from the front. Here is just one of them provided to us by Adam Herbert at Mic Check Radio:

To General Pendleton, Supreme Commander of the United Patriot Forces:

Sir. Our campaign to wage psychological warfare on the Red Hat army is going smoothly. Our first attempt involving the airdropping of article clippings from the New York Times and copies of the Constitution met with mixed results, largely due to the lack of reading ability above the first grade level among the enemy. However, our second attempt where we cut off their access to Fox News and other right wing outlets and replaced it with a 24/7 stream of CNN, MSNBC, PBS, and the BBC has met with great success and we expect them to accept our demands for unconditional surrender by week’s end, as their feeble traitor minds can’t handle truth and culture. Once that happens, we will resupply and rendezvous with the rest of our forces for the siege on DC so that we might remove the Orange Traitor.

Colonel Baker, 42nd Battalion, UPF

After reading hundreds of heartbreaking letters like these, we at the Clown Car Update don’t want you marching off to battle ill-equipped.  So we are introducing The Civil War II Outfitters Emporium for all your battlefield needs. There is no reason to have to fight this war and not stay in the style you are used to. Just look at our line of Civil War II equipment designed by our experts just for the modern Blue Wave Union Army. They include:

• Scott Pruitt tactical pants: You wouldn’t want to be in Scott Pruitt’s shoes, but how about his pants? Well, maybe that’s the wrong way to put it, but his tactical pants are the perfect start to the new Blue Wave Union uniform. It has compartments in the compartments, and they are all totally secured like Scott’s old phone booth. Keep your iPhone, iPad, or laptop right with you as you troll the enemy on Twitter!
• MRE’s: That’s right, our Blue Wave Union Army needs food, and what better way to fill a soldiers belly that with a Civil War II Outfitters Emporium MRE (McDonald’s ready to eat). Happy meals, fish fillets, chicken nuggets all included. And even after fifty years, they still taste just like they do at your local McDonald’s. Just ask the president of the Confederates.
• Avocado slicer and peelers: There is no way you want to start your morning of hostilities without a good breakfast that includes toast and a good avocado spread. And our avocado knives come in three brilliant colors so you look great confronting right-wingers at the hotel’s free breakfast buffet.
• Military-grade Jamba Juice holders: As you march into battle, whether to tweet at a Trump troll or just changing your Facebook profile to “wounded in action”, you want to know your Jamba Juice will be safe and secure. Available in jumbo size too!
• Comfort hypoallergenic pillows: After a grueling day of trolling on Breitbart comments section, a Blue Wave Union soldier needs a good night’s sleep. But running all over the country to demonstrations and marches, all you get are hard hotel pillows. But our hotel comfort hypoallergenic bamboo shredded memory foam pillow relieves snoring, insomnia, asthma, neck pain, and migraines caused by MAGA exposure. Sleep like the snowflake you are and wake fresh the next morning to hand out leaflets or just throw things at the chyron on Fox News.
• Hipster man-bun net: This is military-grade for those days on the battlefield when you have no time to re-groom. Keep that man-bun perfectly secure knowing that even the enemy will admire your hipster class!

And if you order now, we will include a wartime supply of Deplorable Repellant Spray available in aerosol cans or pump spray for the times you just can’t get away from the enemy, like at a family wedding or Thanksgiving dinner. And after you get to the battle use our Civil War II Outfitters Emporium app for quick purchase and free delivery.  Our motto is “During Civil War II, we are all blue!”

 

 

The Clown Car Update for June 24, 2018

This week Donald Trump addressed the National Federation of Independent Business, an ultra-conservative group whose mission is to make America Somalia again.  He took the opportunity to make a bunch of outrageous claims, the most curious being that Canadians are coming to America and “[buying] shoes and they wear ‘em. They scuff ‘em up to make ‘em sound old, or look old.”  Well, that seems like an extreme solution to high import tariffs. So after the president made us aware of the problem, our entrepreneurs at the Clown Car Update came up with the perfect solution, Scuff and Smuggle Imported American Shoes.

Are you a Canadian citizen? Have enormous tariffs on shoes made in the United States made American footwear an expensive luxury? Do you think the tax on American made Crocks are a crock? Well, you can now afford to buy shoes made in the USA for a fraction of what it would cost if you tried to import them yourself. How you ask? With the newest service for American-footwear-loving Canadians, Scuff and Smuggle Imported American Shoes. At S&S Shoes we are making American shoes affordable once again for our neighbors to the north by wearing your new footwear across the border squeaking and scuffing all the way.

So how does Scuff and Smuggle work? First, you go to any shoe store in the United States or online and pick out the footwear of your dreams from any retailer. Second, have the shoes shipped to our address in the United States.  We will take it from there. Our highly trained professional shoe smuggling technicians will carefully unpack your shoes, put them on, scuff them up, and make them look and sound as old as Wilbur Ross.  Then we walk from one of our three location in Spokane, Duluth, or Cleveland.  On the way, your shoes will be scuffed and pounded until they are squealing like Michael Cohen making a plea deal. By the time we reach the Canadian border, your shoes will be as worn and smelly as Steve Bannon’s sneakers.  No border agent will want to give them a second sniff.

From boots, slippers, sneakers, or golf cleats we will put them on, scuff them up, and smuggle them right to your door. All the famous brands, Puma, Prada, Nunn Bush and Naturalizer, we have smuggled them all (Sorry, but we cannot smuggle Ivanka Trump brand shoes, as they fall apart before we leave the warehouse).  So stop paying Trump’s huge import tariffs by calling 1-888-SMUGGLE and we will walk around the tariffs and into your Canadian home.   And remember, at Scuff and Smuggle Imported American Shoes our mission is to put American shoes in your home and a boot up Trump’s fat ass!

The Clown Car Update for June 10, 2018

Scott  Pruitt was busy this week draining the swamp into his personal bank account. Using his position as director of the Environmental Protection Agency, he took aim at one particular area of the swamp that must have been on his mind ever since he heard of the pee tape. That’s right. This week Scott decided to do his own draining operation by asking one of his aides to look into purchasing a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel in Washington.  This request raised eyebrows in the Washington press, as well as Capitol Hill investigators. Just what would you want with a used Trump mattress?  Even Melania refuses to sleep on a mattress that Donald sleeps on!

As a result, the Clown Car investigative reporters took a trip over to the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C. to snoop around and see what other used goodies one might purchase from the hundreds of used items for sale. What we found might surprise you. Apparently, all sorts of used items from the hotel rooms are available for purchase at very reasonable prices. So we asked the head of housekeeping to take us on a tour of the used items warehouse and compiled a list of items you may want to purchase.

Trump’s Fabulous Used Mattresses: These are certified pre-owned Serta Perfect Pee-proof Mattresses offered at a fraction of the cost that you would expect to pay, say, in a hotel in Moscow. These are perfect for the family with a lot of bed-wetters, or just the occasional golden shower. Each of these wonderful mattresses has been thoroughly inspected and guaranteed free of bed bugs, fleas, crabs, and all bodily fluids. In addition, if you ever contract a sexually transmitted disease from one of their mattresses, Trump International will provide a complete denial to your spouse and a non-disclosure agreement crafted by Michael Cohen, depending on his availability.

Trump Bedsheets:  Made of the sleekest polyurethane, these plastic sheets are the perfect companion to your Trump Mattress. These unbelievably soft sheets have been tested to be 100% moisture proof by having Rudy Giuliani yell into them for ten hours, the equivalent of forty professional fire hoses. And yes, they can even match the stains on your Trump Mattress.

Trump Pillow Cases:  These are guaranteed sleep-used pillowcases which had held some of the most famous heads in America. The varieties are endless and range from Wilbur Ross drool to Don Jr’s hair grease. And now for a limited time, you can buy a Steve Bannon Mystery stain pillowcase at an unbelievably exorbantant price. These pillowcases are the perfect way to complete your Tump Hotel used bedding collection.

Trump International Used Soap:  These bars of soap come stuck together in a six-pack ready for an impromptu trip or a quick shower after shaking hands with Steve Bannon. These used bars of soap are loaded with phosphates so they are guaranteed by Scott Pruitt’s EPA to pollute even the cleanest drinking water. So wash your body part with soap that has already washed a thousand other body parts. Rub-a-dub-dub!

Trump International Towels and Wash Cloths:  Sold exclusively as is, these unlaundered towels and washcloths have washed the private parts of some of the most distinguished bodies in the world. As you clean your own cracks and crevasses you can let your mind run wild imagining the famous crevasses these towels and washcloths have already scoured.  Bibi Netanyahu, Tayyip Erdogan, Rodrigo Duterte. You can never know who used these before you. The possibilities are endless. Then after you are all nicely scoured, dry off with the plush bath-used Roseanne Barr towel collection. It’s an experience you can never get out of your head.

Used Bath Robes: Wrap yourself in the plush and luxurious odors of the famous guests that visited Trump International. Each used bathrobe has been pre-worn and is sold unlaundered to preserve the essence of its previous wearer. And check out the paisley Ted Cruz robes, available while supplies last.

And while you are at it, check out the Trump Internationals huge supply of used toiletries.  You can have a used bottle of Polident used by Rudy, or a partial roll of toilet paper used by Rex Tillerson the very moment he was fired. Combs. brushes, and head lice of cabinet members past and present. And they even have an annual white sale, no not the bedding, it’s a sale just for white people.  So get down to the Trump International Hotels used-items sale because as Scott Pruitt says, “everything in the Trump administration is always for sale.”

 

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for June 3, 2018

This year, four in ten Americans will be diagnosed with a hideous disease no one in the Republican party is willing to talk about.  It strikes all levels of society, young and old, rich and poor, male and female.  In its most severe form, its victims lose all self-control, tweeting racist slurs, misogynist rants, homophobic vitriol, and xenophobic hate. They often show up at Trump rallies with misspelled signs and poor dental hygiene. Commonly known as Trumpism, this is an offshoot of Epstein-Barr Syndrome called Rosanne-Barr Syndrome.  It can tear apart families and turn a pleasant evening into an embarrassing display of public stupidity.  But now for the first time, there is hope. From Sonofi Pasteur, the makers of Ambien, relief has come in its newest drug, Roseannebien.

No more do you have to worry about waking up to find that you sent out a bunch of racist Tweets in the middle of the night.  Or worse, that you grabbed your crotch and spit during the National Anthem live on television.  Save your family, friends, and co-workers the stress of not knowing if your show is canceled and if they will have jobs next week. In clinical trials, Roseannebien has been proven to offer relief from even the most severe racist impulses.  This is because Roseannebien works two ways to relieve symptoms. First, Roseannebien contains a powerful nerve agent that prevents you from picking up your arms and using your thumbs to post on Twitter or grab your crotch. Second, Roseannebien works on the speech centers of your brain to prevent you from making a complete ass of yourself by actually saying the things you are thinking. And better yet, when Roseannebien is taken daily, you will never be able to sing the Star Spangled Banner out loud.

Be aware of the side effects of Roseannebien. Don’t take Roseannebien if you are thinking of becoming pregnant since it is not safe to pass along your defective genes. Do not consume alcohol while taking Roseannebien as it can neutralize its effects and turn you into a drunken racist. Stop taking Roseannebien and call your medical professional if you have intelligent thoughts or feelings as this may cause you discomfort.  Seek emergency treatment if you actually act like a decent human being or Tweet something that is considered actually funny as this may be a sign of a serious condition called humanity.

Ask your doctor if Roseannebien can be part of your treatment for being a disgusting human being. Roseanne-Barr Syndrome does not have to mean a life of public rejection because you are a raging racist asshole. There is help.  If you cannot afford Roseannebien, Sanofi Pasteur would normally be able to help, but since Trump gutted Obamacare you are on your own. Rosannebien, when you just can’t shut the fuck up!

 

The Clown Car Update for May 26, 2018

On Thursday morning the world was shocked, SHOCKED that the planned summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un was cancelled.  Naturally, the world was disappointed, but as Stormy Daniels told reporters “with Donald, everything is over before it starts!”.  No one was disappointed as much as the people at the Franklin Mint who found themselves stuck with thousands of Singapore Summit Commemorative coins. But some quick thinking on the part of the Franklin Mint’s staff and the problem was over faster than Trump having sex.  As a result, the Franklin Mint is proud to offer for the first time ever, “The Donald Trump – Robert S. Mueller III Deposition Commemorative Coin” freshly salvaged from the Singapore summit scraps.  Each of these rare collectables has been hand cut, removing the image of Kim Jong Un and inserting the image of Robert Mueller handing the president a subpoena.

This coin, representing what could be the last interview of the Trump presidency, is accompanied by a certificate of authenticity and the original letter from President Trump to Kim Jong Un telling him that they were no longer going steady and he wanted to see other people:

Dear Kim,

I heard in the second period homeroom from my best friend Johnny Bolton that he saw you behind the stadium bleachers on Friday with Xi Jinping.  Also, my other best friend Rudy further told me that you actually kissed XI and slipped him the tongue.  Sadly, based on the tremendous anger this has caused me and open hostility displayed in your groping Moon Jae-in in the chemistry lab,  I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to go to the movies as planned Friday night.  Therefore, please let this letter serve to as notice that I will not be taking you to the prom.  You talk about your big penis, but mine is so massive and powerful that I pray to God I never hurt a virgin.

If you change your mind about Xi or Moon, please do not hesitate to call me or write. You have lost a great opportunity to go to the prom with the Makeout King and a lot of people were (I would never say it) but everyone thinks we were shoe-ins to get the Best Couple at the Prom Award. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment, since I don’t have another prom date because of Stormy now going with Michael Avenatti.  So call me if you miss me.

Sincerely yours, a very, very sad,

Donald J. Trump

Hurry, because, at $130,000 each, these coins will not last longer than a Michael Cohen non-disclosure agreement.  Each of these rare coins is numbered one through infinity and come with a very limited money back guarantee.  This coin is the perfect addition to your Franklin Mint MAGA collection.  And watch for new coin offerings soon including the “Trump University Graduate Commemorative Coin” emblazoned on the back with their motto “Go Pricks”.  And also coming soon, the “Moscow Golden Shower 2013 Commemorative Coin” wrapped in a piece of authentic Moscow hotel bedsheet.  And remember at The Franklin Mint we believe like Stormy that even though Trump pulled out we can still make money!