The Clown Car Update for September 25, 2016

 

This week on Episode 402 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we preview the the debate showdown on Monday  between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. To help you understand the debates and prepare you for the unexpected, here are some things t watch tomorrow night.

What to watch:

• Will Donald Trump invite his BFF Vladimir Putin to sit in the front row with Gennifer Flowers?
• Watch for any sign that Donald Trump is starting to crack under pressure, for example, if he starts telling the truth.
• Trump may use a familiar tactic if he feels he is losing the debate and tell Lester Holt he’s fired.
• It is a sign of trouble for Trump if at any time he requests a lifeline to Meatloaf.
• It may be a sign the Trump is tiring if he  leaves the stage and sends in Gary Busey  to finish.
• Will Trump wear a tie made in China or Mexico.
• Will Trump ban Muslims from attending the debate.
• Will Trump follow though on his threat to have Hillary Clinton stopped and frisked?

We also have some suggestions for Secretary Clinton to improve her performance. To that end, we have prepared a proposed opening statement, some one line zingers, and a closing statement.

Opening Statement:

Good evening. The man to my right is orange. That alone should make you pause before voting for him, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. Tonight, as we discuss the most important issues facing our country, his penis will shrink to the size of an acorn. He will pound his tiny fists in the podium and tell you this election is rigged. But at the end of the day, this man is nothing but a Big Mac with Ebola.

As I stand here tonight, our country faces many threats. Russia is determined to expand its influence, ISIS is determined to expand its terror, and domestic violence threatens our cities. But there is no threat greater than to have a man in the oval office who would give away the Ukraine for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We must not give the nuclear codes to a loser who would accidentally push the button because his hands were greasy from eating french fries. The man is a liar, a cheat, and from what Marla tells me, like an egg noodle in bed. In addition, despite his boasting, he is a girly man. In fact, Dr. Bornstein has not been able to find his testicles since that man attacked him  on the stage. He talks a big game, but in reality he is a big stiff, except where it counts.

Zingers:

“So where did Kellyanne Conway put your balls after she cut them off?”

“Don’t look now, but that thing on your head just endorsed me”

“So when will Melania be giving Michelle Obama’s next speech?”

“I hear you once lost your balls in a box of raisins”

“Is it true that Putin’s wife found your lipstick on his ass”

“Is that shrinkage or did I scare you?”

“Your doctor called. Science rejected your body”

“Are those your hands or Q-tips?”

Closing Statement

My fellow Americans. As we go to the polls on November 8, we must not forget what this man has told you. He said that he thought the nuclear triad was an Olympic event. He said that Brexit was good with gravy and mashed potatoes. He promises that the Mexican president will not only pay for a wall but also will attend Trump University. He has failed to allow us to see his tax returns or those pictures of him and Ivana in a hot tub. He has rejected our allies, embraced despots, and grabbed his daughter’s ass on national TV. And tonight, I can disclose, he crapped his pants here on stage at about the one hour mark. So when you go to the polls, remember, if you think things stinks now, wait ’till you get a whiff of this guy!

Of course, Hillary will never use any of this advice, and she would be wise to ignore it. All we here at the Clown Car can do is wish her the best of luck. I would tell her to “break a leg”, but with her luck, she would. Instead, one more word of advise: If all else failed, offer Trump a bowl of Skittles and, as Trump said, lets see what happens.

 

 

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for September 18, 2016

This week on Episode 401 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we take a look at the results of Donald Trump’s alleged physical exam. Spoiler alert: it is the best physical ever in the history of physicals. It was presumably conducted by Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Dr. Harold N. Bornstein

If you have forgotten, that is the same Dr. Bornstein who reported the results of Trump’s last physical with all the excitement of an adolescent boy discovering his penis. He stated in that letter that “If elected, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” I presume this comparison was based on an autopsy Dr. Bornstein did  on the cadaver of Grover Cleveland. Now if you have never seen Dr. Bornstein, he looks like a cross between Woody Allen and Charles Manson.

So this week,  in response to criticism of Dr. Bornstein’s first letter, Donald Trump released the results of a physical performed last week. Of course, in typical Trump fashion, he did not release the information in a press release or a press conference. He did it as any con man would, on

Donald Trump on the Dr. Oz comedy hour.

the reality show of another con man, Dr. Mehmet Oz who has promoted African mango seed  as “weight-loss marvel.” He obviously didn’t share this secret with the 267 pound Oompa Loompa seated next to him. That Trump would choose the Oz show is rather fitting, since the spectacle more resembled a fantasy that ends at the end of a yellow brick road. But ignore the man behind that curtain, because The Clown Car will now reveal the actual results, found in a dumpster behind Dr. Bornstein’s office.

Urine Sample:
A random collection reveals that Trump’s kidneys have been stressed by excessive urination on the press. The medical recommendation is that the patient cut back on pissing on the press and go back to his normal routine of pissing on his employees.

Semen Sample:
This is not a routine test, but was conducted at the request of the patient to demonstrate his superior sperm quality. The sample was collected by letting Trump look at pictures of his daughter in a bathing suit. The results were abnormal, with 98% of his sperm consisting of tails with no heads, which also describes his offspring.

Prostate Gland:
Which in a normal human male, is about the size of a walnut. As men age, the prostate tends to enlarge. To screen for prostate problems, the doctor performed a PSA blood test which revealed a low number, which Donald wanted annotated as a golf score. A digital rectal was also performed, in which the doctor inserts a finger in the patients rectum and feels around. This is normally uncomfortable for the patient, but Trump is used people crawling up his ass.

Testosterone:
This test is not done routinely but again was done on the request of the patient, mainly to demonstrate his virility. Trump’s testosterone levels were normal, a surprising result because the doctor noted that he had abnormally tiny balls. In fact, the doctor was “surprised this man had enough balls to run for president.”

Colonoscopy:
This test is performed to screen for colon cancer. To prepare for the test, the patient normally has to drink a liquid that cleans out the colon. It was noted by Dr. Bornstein that during this procedure it was the only time Donald Trump was not full of shit. A tube with a camera is inserted into the patient’s rectum temporarily replacing the cameras from Fox News. The patient is given an anesthetic, which Kellyanne Conway was hoping would last until November 9th. The results of this test were normal, except for one polyp. A biopsy determined that the polyp was not a polyp at all, but actually Rudy Giuliani’s lower plate.

Body Mass Index (BMI):
BMI is a measure of body fat based on height and weight. At six feet and two inches, a normal body mass is 18.5-24.9. Trump’s BMI measured 34.3 which is considered obese. To make the number appear normal, Dr. Bornstein listed Trump’s height as seven feet and one inch.

Blood Count:
Trump’s red cell count was high, attributed to his love of red meat and Vladimir Putin. Not surprising,  he had a ton of white blood cells. A blood smear was performed which under a microscope revealed that his white blood cells were oddly shaped like hoods.

While shocking, the report we found in the doctor’s trash revealed a Donald Trump that was not nearly as healthy as his trip to the Emerald City of Oz would suggest. Dr. Bornstein’s noted that Trump’s only complaints were that his his clothes were tight and he had chronic constipation which confirms what we knew all along, that Donald Trump is nothing but suit filled with crap.

 

 

 

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From Tennis to Terror

I spent yesterday in New York City at the U S Open Tennis Tournament. It was a lovely late summer day doing what I love, being around people who share a common passion for the game. It was an international gathering, full of interesting people from many different cultures and backgrounds both on and off the court. It was extremely crowded, but whether walking around, standing in line, or in the cramped grandstands watching a match, everyone I met was polite and accommodating. Smiles and comradely overcame any cultural or language differences. We moved over so others could sit, stepped aside for others to pass, and shared high fives when our favorite player made a great shot. Some waved the flag of their country, some wore hijabs, some wore yarmulkes, some like me wore ball caps. We were all united, enjoying the sport.

And then last night I came home. I turned on the television, which was tuned to MSNBC, and was treated to the rantings of an orange monster projecting a vomit of fear and hate all over an audience that seemingly enjoyed the spray. It was the opposite of what I had just experienced in New York, a crowd of angry, hateful bigots cheering on their grand wizard spewing a litany of lies. The America he described was unrecognizable as he painted a picture of a nation on fire that will burn to the ground unless they put him in charge. Follow him, he said, and famine would end, disease would vanish, and their lives would no longer be threatened by the “other”. And by the “other” he meant anyone who was not of white European heritage. It was a speech that could have been given in Germany or Italy in the 1930s. It was sickening.

The analysis that followed, however, further advanced the false legitimacy of the would be dictator. Treating his incendiary provocation as if it were a real policy speech, Steve Kornacki and a panel of experts tried to explain what we just heard. On the panel was Hugh Hewitt, MSNBC’s latest effort in it’s right wing nut-job outreach program. It was a great speech, Hewitt told us, and a great day for the dictator-in-waiting and all real Americans. Moderate republicans, who were appalled his candidacy, could now vote for him because he stood next to Mexico’s president without shooting him on live television. In addition, the dictator-in-waiting will be humane as he tears apart eleven million families and exiles his opponent, Hillary Clinton, along with them. Hewitt was not alone, as his enthusiasm for the racist rhetoric was shared by the likes of grand wizard David Duke and other white supremacists. This is what now passes as legitimate political discussion, the rantings of a bigot and his support among a blood thirsty mob of racists. Only Maria Teresa Kumar of Voto Latino expressed the horror of was just smeared across the television screens of America and the world.

There are many questions I have been pondering after last night’s chilling reminder that our democracy is on the eve of destruction. Where is the so called liberal media? Where are the voices like Edward R. Murrow? Have they been replaced by the likes of Hugh Hewitt? And how could such a lovely late summer day in New York end with a chilling reminder that a dictator-in-waiting is determined we never enjoy a day like it again?

 

 

 

The Clown Car Update for August 28, 2016

On Episode 399 the Tim Corrimal Show we know that if you are an undocumented resident in the United States and have been listening to Donald Trump this week,  you have packed, unpacked, and packed your belongings repeatedly. On any given day, at any given hour, Trump would simultaneously give you amnesty and throw you back to Mexico over his big, beautiful wall. You might say he was the Trump version of Schrodinger’s cat, with his mass deportation program alive and dead all at the same time. But unlike Schrodinger’s cat, Trump is never one to get put in a box with a bottle of cyanide. The only poison in his campaign comes from the candidate himself and the alt-right bigots who run it. With his poll numbers shrinking faster than his penis in a cold shower, Donald and his new team of skin-heads decided to float the idea that perhaps he would soften his position and let some of the “good ones” stay, with the condition that they pay back taxes and sign a contract to attend Trump University.

The most bizarre moment came during a Sean Hannity Town Hall when Trump decided to leave the fate of eleven million souls in the hands of the mouth-foaming knuckle-draggers in the Hannity audience. He asked them to voice their approval for choice number one, throw them all out, or choice number two, let them stay.  It was a fascinating  glimpse into what the decision making process would be in the White House during a national crisis. So let’s travel into the future, where President Trump is fast asleep, dreaming of shopping the maternity ward for the next Mrs. Trump.

It’s 3:00AM and the White House hot-line rings. The president’s Chief of Staff, Ivanka Trump, answers and hears the panicked voice of Secretary of Defense, Rudy Giuliani.  Trying to compensate for the loss of his lower teeth, he spits out the news, “The Ruthians have invaded Florida peninthula!” Ivanka clarified, “You mean Russians?” “Yeth,” Giuliani replies. Immediately Ivanka springs into action, rifling through her closet, frantically trying to decided on a casual look, a white a camisole and a blue blouse with jeans or an off-white business suit, better for the press conference. Given the urgency of the moment, she decides to go casual and grabs a Prada clutch as a smart accessory. With the gait of a runway model, Ivanka enters the president’s bedroom and gently wakes the commander-in-chief. “Mr. President Dad, Secretary Rudy is on the phone and it’s urgent.” President Trump shakes her off, “I already told him his health plan will cover the Viagra. Now tell him to go away!” “No, no, that’s not it. The Ruthians, I mean Russians, have invaded Florida,” Ivanka explained.

Bolting up in the bed he was suddenly fully awake. “We have a golf course down there. I hope they didn’t walk all over the greens!” President Trump was frantic. He grabbed his smart phone and started to tweet, “The Russians are bad, pathetic dogs, and so corrupt that I will now start calling Putin Crooked Vladimir.” Ivanka informed him that the Joint Chief’s of Staff had already been notified, but that just annoyed the president. “The Joint Chief’s! To hell with the Joint Chief’s! What about the Hannity?!” “Already waiting in the bunker,” Ivanka assured him.

Down in the Situation Room, a large map was displayed showing the position of Russian troops. “Which one is Florida?” Trump is confused. “The one that looks like a large sock”, points Sarah Palin, secretary of the newly formed Geography Advisory Board. “I know because I’ve been studying maps all my life. Did you know I can see Alaska from my house?” she added. “That’s Florida?! I thought that was Scotland!” Trump grumbled. “Well, never mind, lets get to work!”

Sean Hannity, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Focus Groups, opens a secure video link to the Breitbart.com comments section. “Well, here it is, people, our first crisis. So, my question to you is, number one, do we let them stay in Florida?” The audience grumbled, obviously not liking that choice. “OK, number two, do we nuke the hell out of Florida?” Cheers and whoops and chants of USA! USA! filled the room. President Trump gravely asks for the football. Surgeon General Ben Carson hands him an autographed NFL football. “No that one, you idiot, the one with the codes. It’s not like this is brain surgery!” Trump was irritated, anxious to nuke his first target since being elected. He punched in the codes to launch the missiles.  “Bye-buy, little Marco, nice debating  you!” He seemed to relish the thought of Marco Rubio vaporized like a boiling bottle of Perrier. But no time for that now, the Russians and Florida were destroyed by the Alt-right focus group. After a few celebratory moments, Hannity turned to Trump and asked,  “What would you have done if they didn’t take choice number two?” Trump smiled, “That would never happen, Sean, because everything I do is number two!”

 

The Clown Car Update for August 21, 2016

This week on Episode 398 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Hindenburg of political campaigns known as the Trump campaign burst into flames and came crashing to the ground. The first sign of trouble was when Trump realized that his floating bag of gas was losing altitude and his poll numbers were on fire. So he threw a life line to Steve Bannon of Breitbart News and pollster Kellyanne Conway. Just when everything seemed under control, Paul Manafort, a Russian spy, was discovered playing with matches in the engine room. Needing to lose ballast, Trump threw him off the ship on Friday. This all ended with the skeleton of the ship burning on the ground and cable news analysts crying over the devastation to their TV ratings. Trump later expressed regret, not for destroying all those lives, but that the fire had burned his poll numbers to a crisp. Oh, the humanity!

You would think that all this news earlier in the week would be dominating the headlines. But then the biggest surprise this week came Friday when archeologists in five cities made a fantastic discovery.  Simultaneously, in San Francisco, New York City, Cleveland, Seattle, and Los Angeles, evidence of an unknown branch of human evolution was discovered. Perfectly preserved specimens were found in all five cities, including one in Union Square in New York. Resembling an overweight and penis challenged Donald Trump, scientists quickly dubbed it Trumpus Micropenis, an extinct offshoot of Homo Non-Erectus.

The distinguishing characteristics of this new species is a large, protruding mid-section nearly obscuring a tiny and underdeveloped genitalia. The cranium seems to be rather out-sized for what is believed to have been vary small brain. Renee Costa, an archeologist with the Smithsonian Institute said, “He had a much bigger head than his brain size required, indicating that some physiological process caused his head to swell.” Other archaeologists pointed out that head swelling, often accompanied by abnormally tiny hands, is often is associated with the inability to grasp things. In addition, the outer cranium was totally devoid of hair, which the Micropenis apparently covered with primitive moss or animal pelts.

Additional features of the new humans ancestors included an orange tint to the skin, indicating some form of primitive camouflage. The skin was also particularly slimy, probably to enable the species to slip out of the grip of other bipeds when they were caught trying to steal things. Since there are only five known specimens, it is theorized that this branch became extinct almost as soon as it arose. Some scientists speculate that the small genitalia, along with the large stomach folds obscuring them, made it difficult for them to mate. Others disagree, pointing out that this creature was simply  repulsive, even to Neanderthal females.

The specimen found in Cleveland seems to have been the last of its kind and was apparently killed in a landslide caused by opposing tribes who felt threatened by its warlike tendencies. “It’s a good thing too,” Jeremy Cook, a psychological paleontologist from Columbia University pointed out. “It would have been a much uglier world if such a creature became the dominant species. I wouldn’t want to even think about it. To put it in layman’s terms, it would be like living in a world run by Donald Trumps!”

 

The Clown Car Update for August 14, 2016

Are you sick and tired of hearing something Donald Trump said, only to learn the next day that what you heard wasn’t what he said? Are you the kind of person that takes things literally when someone says he means it, literally? Do you have a difficult time detecting sarcasm? Is Donald Trump’s dog whistle humor too high in pitch for your ears to detect? Well, on Episode 397 of The Tim Corrimal Show we have a solution to all your interpretation difficulties that will save you time as well the embarrassment of sounding like Katrina Pierson. For this election cycle only, we are offering you Trumptionary, the all inclusive dictionary of Donald Trump’s words and phrases. Originally developed for the scholars at Trump University, this book is the definitive guide to what Donald Trump really means. Just look up a word or phrase when Trump speaks and you will really know what he meant to say. But don’t take our word for it, listen to these testimonials from actual users of this handy guide.

“I thought I heard Donald promise that my instructors at Trump University were hand picked by him personally. But when I looked up ‘picked personally’ in the Trumptionary, there it was in plain English that it means hired off the street with no qualifications whatsoever to teach real estate. Boy, was I fooled!” – Gene, White Plains, NY

“I was attending a Trump rally, and I thought I heard Donald say to punch the protestor next to me in the face. Good thing I checked my Trumptionary first. Turns out that ‘punch in the face’ really means to love and respect that person’s First Amendment rights!”  – Mike, Topeka, KS

“Talk about embarrassed. I was loading my Smith and Wesson to go out and shoot a politician when my neighbor asked me what I was doing. I told her what Donald Trump said about ‘Second Amendment remedies’ when she started to laugh and showed me her Trumptionary. There right on page 143 was the explanation. ‘Second Amendment remedies’ really means to get out and vote on election day. I saved a lot of good ammo that day!” – Elaine, Portland, OR

“After I heard Donald say that Barack Hussein Obama founded that filthy organization ISIS, I was so mad I stayed up all night writing a letter to my congressman demanding that he be impeached and tried for treason. Good thing I didn’t mail that letter. When my daughter asked my why I was up all night, I was stunned to find that ‘founded ISIS’ was sarcasm. If I only looked at my daughter’s copy of Trumptionary, I could have saved myself a sleepless night, not to mention the postage stamp!” – Coleen, Philadelphia, PA

First Trump signed the pledge. Then, when he got the nomination he promised he would become more ‘presidential’. Then a staffer gave me her copy of Trumptionary, and I nearly fell off my high horse! ‘Presidential’ means ‘buffoon’ and the word ‘pledge’ isn’t even in the Trumptionary!” – Reince, Kenosha, WI

If you act now, we will include our “Trumptionary” for PC or Mac. Just load it into your computer, put on your headphones, and never get fooled by a Trump rally speech again. With the software’s handy rewind feature, you can listen to the speech over and over and always get the latest interpretation in the actual voice of Rudy Giuliani. Don’t miss this fantastic offer by the people who brought you the Republican thesaurus,”Word Twister”. Operators are standing by and don’t forget to say the code words “Just Kidding” and get an extra 20% off the purchase price. Actually, we don’t really discount anything. You heard that wrong. After all, who you gonna believe, your own ears or Trumptionary?”

 

 

The Clown Car Update for August 7, 2016

This week on Episode 396 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it’s abandon ship for the GOP! Since his disastrous post convention meltdown, Trump has seen his ship, along with his poll numbers, sink faster than Paul Ryan’s career. While Speaker Ryan is stubbornly standing with Captain Cheeto, other GOP rats, sensing their imminent drowning, are leaving the ship to seek the safety of the Democratic Party. This mass GOP defection, which this week included Meg Whitman, Bush aide Sally Bradshaw, and New York congressman Richard Hanna, has presented the D.N.C. with some unexpected challenges. As brilliantly outlined by Andy Borowitz in this week’s New Yorker magazine, the exodus is causing a refugee crisis never before experienced by D.N.C. staff. In an effort to thoroughly vet the incoming asylum seekers, the D.N.C. has developed a psychological profiling questionnaire to help screen the applicants in order to place them in the proper deprogramming level. Here at the Clown Car we have obtained a copy of the questionnaire.

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Thank you for seeking asylum at the D.N.C. We are aware that transitioning  from the fact free environment of the GOP to a data filled world can cause serious mental distress. As a result, we have employed professional deprogrammers who are prepared to bring you back to the world of reality. This questionnaire will help our staff evaluate you mental state in order make your return to sanity as fast as possible, so please answer all questions honestly.

1. When did you become a republican?
   1. Less than one year ago
   2. 1-5 years ago
   3. After a massive head injury
2. As a member of the republican party, have you ever:
   1. Worn a three pointed hat
   2. Worn a foam Lady Liberty crown
   3. Seen Jesus on a piece of toast
3. Have you ever been treated for the following:
   1. Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS)
   2. Minority aversion
   3. Meka Brezinski virus
   4. David Vitter Dermatitis ( commonly known as Diaper Rash)
   5. Clinton Derangement Syndrome (CDS)
   6. Afluenza
   7. Benghazi Fever
4. Have you ever endorsed Donald Trump?
   1. If your answer is yes, please attach proof that you have rescinded your endorsement and have been treated by medical professionals.
5. How often do you watch Fox News?
   1. Once a week
   2. Three times a week
   3. My retina has been permanently damaged.
6. Do you believe any of the following:
   1. Obama was born in Kenya
   2. Hilary Clinton killed Vince Foster and buried him in the Rose Garden
   3. Hilary Clinton organized and led the attack on our outpost in Benghazi
   4. Trump is a good businessman
   5. Michelle Obama is a man
   6. The Obama dogs are Muslim sympathizers
   7. Vaccines causes homosexuality
   8. Earth was created in 1980 by Ronald Reagan
7. Climate change is:
   1. Backed up by scientific evidence
   2. A result of too many trees
   3. A liberal plot to take away my guns
8. Upon seeing a homeless person, you would:
   1. Search your pockets for empty change
   2. Offer to take them for a meal
   3. Kick them and tell them it’s their own fault for not having a 401(k) like youn
9. Have you ever been the GOP candidate for president?
   
10. Are you or have you ever been the Speaker of the House?
11. Are you capable of conversation that does not include:
    1. Defecit
    2. Less government
    3. Less regulation
    4. Tax cuts
    5. States rights
    6. The second amendment
    7. Liberty
    8. Any reference to Alex Jones
12. Have you ever plagiarized a Michelle Obama speech?
13. List highest level of education
    1. High school
    2. College
    3. Post graduate
    4. Trump University
14. If you were in a public place where there was a crying baby, you would:
    1. Be tolerant and tell the parent it’s no problem
    2. Offer to hold the baby
    3. Punch the parent and tell them to get the baby out of here

After your initial screening, you will be assigned a counselor who will reacquaint you with science, math, and reading. If you are a former member of the Tea Party, personal hygiene will be added to your sessions.  Upon completion of your seminars, you will be given a certificate of completion with the full text of Ted Cruz’s 2016 GOP convention speech not endorsing Donald Trump.

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So for all the disaffected republicans seeking to flee the scourge of Donald of Orange, there is hope. The D.N.C has opened it hearts and doors to the poor wandering souls escaping the smoldering ruins of their party. And for those like Paul Ryan and John McCain, who  are still trying to save the ship, a warning: Abandon ship because Captain Don left you a long time ago.

 

The Clown Car Update for July 31, 2016

This week on Episode 395 of the Tim Corrimal Show, as history was being made at the Democratic National Convention, disturbing revelations of Russian interference in our national elections surfaced and in the middle of the messy story was a huge ball of orange hair. When asked about it, he weapons-grade plumb denied any involvement then asked his friends at the Kremlin to hack into government computers to dig up dirt on Hillary Clinton. This set off a firestorm of questioning to which The Steaming Pile of Orange Dung  told an female NBC reporter to “Shut up!”. But the investigative reporters in the Clown Car garage did some hacking of our own and what we found was shocking. We uncovered  disturbing links between the Russians and The Evil Cheeto and they explain a lot about some of his political tactics.  Here are some highlights as reported by our whistleblowers at ClownLeaks:

• Trump keeps an extra pair of underwear and a toothbrush at Putin’s apartment.
• Putin has been seen leaving the Kremlin with orange residue on his fingers.
• Every time Trump says “Believe me” it is a coded message to Putin meaning”I love you”
• The code name given to Trump by Russian security forces is “Tiny Orange Hands”
• On one trip to Russia, Donald Trump visited a Moscow tattoo parlor and had “Glad To Be Vlad’s” placed on his ass.
• Kremlin doctors have repeatedly treated Trump for what they described as “shrinkage”.
• Vladimir Putin often meets with Trump disguised as Scott Baio.
• Donald’s hairpiece was made from Putin’s chest hair.
• Putin’s favorite pet name for Donald is “Cheetos Butt”.
• Due to his bladder condition, Putin often teases Trump as “Wikileaks”.
• Trump is often smuggled into the Kremlin as a large tangerine ballbag.
• Putin’s named his horse “John Barron”
• Trump’s Kremlin email account is fucktrumpet@comradeputin.ru

Besides these examples, it was discovered that Trump has been given extensive access to Kremlin office equipment and used Putin’s private copy machine to prepare Melania’s convention address. In addition, large shipments of cash have flowed from the Trump campaign to the Kremlin in crates marked “Trump Steaks”. Also, members of the Russian Federal Assembly have been intimidated and coerced into signing up for Trump University and forced to pay with their own credit cards.

Folks, the menace is real and it must be stopped now. We here at ClownLeaks are working diligently to release to you the very latest in the ongoing conspiracy to turn our country into the United States of Russia. So be wary and be sure to vote for Hillary Clinton on November 8. If you don’t, the next time someone flips your state to red, you may be speaking Russian.

The Clown Car Update for July 24, 2016

 This week on Episode 394 of the Tim Corrimal Show,  we look back at the GOP convention, which to me more resembled an episode of the Sopranos.  So much so that in addition to all the national news outlets, the convention attracted some foreign news outlets, like Aljazeera America and a little known network run by the mob, Alcapona America. You may not have  heard much about Alcapona because they mostly cover the big mafia meetings which, of course, the GOP convention was. I thought it would be interesting to hear how they covered the convention, so here is a transcript of the Alcapona Network’s summery of the Republican National Convention. A word of caution, the transcript contains psychopathic references, violence to hogs, and Scott Baio.

From the Alcapona Network:

“Hello, Consiglieres and Capos, this is Paulie Gatto reporting from a safe house somewhere in Cleveland. This week, there was a big meeting called by the head of the Trumpano family, Don Trumpano. I’m not kidding, his parents named him Don, like they knew he was a baby, he was going to head one of the families or something. Stupid, right? Why would you name a kid Don? It’s stupid, like naming a kid Barron. First, let me say, that Johnny Kasici, head of the Kasici family in Ohio, was not amused that Trumpano was muscling in on his territory and refused to go. Anyway, it was supposed to be peaceful, no guns allowed in the meeting. As we went in, there was a sign next to a table piled with Italian pastries. It said, “Leave the gun, take a Cannoli”.

On Monday, Don Trumpano comes out and promises a big night of speakers to present his plan to take over. Instead, we get some punk ass guy called “Chachi”. He sounds like the kid who walks my Uncle Dominick’s German Shepard, Reince. Anyway, this Chachi punk starts with the “C” word and right away my wife has to leave upset. Women don’t care for that kind of language, you know. Then the Don’s wife, Melania Trumpano, starts talking and it’s like deja vu all over again. I realize that I heard this speech at another meeting a few years ago run by the Obama Family. This Trumpano woman ripped it off! She seemed like a nice lady, though, and had nice pair of  getaway sticks. Then, everyone starts to walk out and they bring on Joni “The Blade” Ernst. Now I thought Joni loved Chachi, but right away she starts threatening to cut everybody’s balls off. Then, she’s talking about putting bread bags on our feet. I don’t know what she’s taking about, but the only time we use bread bags is to put over some creeps head just before we dump his body in the river. Bad night.

Tuesday wasn’t much better. They brought in a guy named Chris “The Traffic Cone” Christie from New Jersey operation. He seemed like a tough guy, asking everybody if they were guilty or not guilty. Every made guy knows you say “not guilty” in front of the judge. Unless, of course you are paid off to take the rap for somebody, like that McIver woman who ended up taking the rap for Mrs. Trumpano’s speech on Monday.  The night ended when the Trumpano family doctor came in to talk about some Saul Alinsky who I think he said came from Hell’s Kitchen, but I fell asleep.

Wednesday started out kind of boring. The Don introduced his under boss, Mike “Whitie” Penceangelo, then he kissed him which means the next time we see him he will be floating in the middle of Lake Tahoe like Fredo Corleone.  Then there was real excitement, when some Cruz guy from the Texas syndicate came in and tried to assassinate Don Trumpano. Trumpano’s consigliere, Pauly Manaforte, had to drag him and his wife screaming to the back ally where Joni “The Blade” tried to put a bread bag over his head. He got away, I think.

It all ended Thursday when we finally found out why Don Trumpano called the meeting. His daughter warmed up the meeting for him. She seemed like a nice girl, but my wife didn’t think it was nice the way the Don put his hand’s on his daughter’s ass, though. As it turns out, this was one big protection shakedown. He told everyone what a shame it would be if some thugs or terrorists killed our families and our nice country burned down. But there was nothing to worry about because he would make sure no wise guys would come into our place. All we had to do is give him complete control of the operation. Everyone seemed to buy it, and started putting on stupid hats and dancing.

That wraps it up here. This was one of the worst meetings I ever went to, and a lot of the other families are really worried. It looks like this guy Trumpano is real dangerous and we will have to go to the mattress, which some women who knew Trumpano said he liked to do a lot. That’s it from the safe house, and remember, keep your friends close, and take a Cannoli”

 

The Clown Car Update: Republican National Convention Edition

On Episode 393 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the circus is in town and Cleveland is being penetrated like the “P” in the Trump/Pence logo. Don’t let the big tent fool you, there are no Muslims here. No sir, this is a real American tent holding real American people eager to return to a real America where white women stay home and bake cookies while their white husbands freely grope their secretaries then ride home on all the front seats of the bus. Yes folks, under this tent Americans are free to tell ethnic jokes, make fun of people in wheel chairs, and pray to Jesus that gay people will choke on their wedding cake.  And don’t worry about that black guy in the crowd. He’s just Donald’s African-American. This is America’s tent where you are free to hate anyone not like you and never brush your teeth.

There are clowns, acrobats, and freaks just like the circuses of old. And there are elephants, of course. Not only are they the mascot of the GOP, but a symbol that political correctness and animal rights have no place here. No vegetarians either, just red meat eaters who enjoy their meals served on a pitch fork.

The best part of the GOP circus are the acts right out of American Horror Story. Here are a few you will get to see for the admission price of five-hundred thousand dollars:

• Speaker of the House Paul Ryan will walk a tightrope suspended high in the air over the jagged ruins of his career and the jaws of Donald Trump. No safety net for this daredevil, he just does not believe in them.
• House Majority Leader Rep. Kevin McCarthy, a master magician, will perform his famous disappearing act just as he did right before the election for Speaker of the House. Watch as he picks up the microphone and tells the truth about the Benghazi committee and vanishes into thin air like evidence in a Clinton investigation.
• Sen. Tom “Cotton Mouth” Cotton and his snake act. Cotton will hiss and crackle as he plays with his fellow congressional serpents. In the finale, he leads them over to an effigy of President Obama and they bite him until he drops the Iran Nuclear Deal from his hands.
• Rudy Giuliani and his famous balloon act. With an uncanny ability to produce incredible amounts of hot air, he will blow up giant balloons, twist them to form the numbers 9/11, and tell how he saved New York. One word of caution. If you are seated in the first five rows, wear rain gear as he has a tendency to spit through his teeth.
• Gov. Mike Huckabee’s juggling act. This incredible act features the Reverend Huck folding gay marriage licenses into figures of Jesus while keeping thirty gay pizzas spinning in the air. His act ends with everything crashing down, just like his presidential campaign.
• Sen. Joni Ernst and her famous pig act. “Ball Buster” Joni as she is billed will cut the testicles off ten hogs while sewing bread bags into size ten shoes. As a treat for her audience, she ends the act by serving biscuits to everyone.
• Gov. Scott Walker and the Koch brothers. This is simply a puppet act.
• Sen. Ted Cruz, one of our two freak shows, features Ted covered in a full body paisley tattoo pleasuring himself to a Dr. Seuss story. Sorry, but this one is for adults only.
• Sen. Mitch McConnell, the second freak, is the incredible turtle man. Half man and half turtle, this act really doesn’t do anything. He mainly just stays in his shell, occasionally sticking out his head when he hears President Obama talking.

So enjoy the circus, Cleveland, and remember to get your tickets early. They are selling out faster than  a GOP senator. Remember, prohibited items include air rifles, paint ball guns, blasting caps, switch blades. knives with a blade longer than two and a half inches, billy clubs, swords, hatchets, axes, sling shots, BB or pellet guns, metal knuckles, nun chucks, mace, pepper spray, shovels, fireworks, rockets, sound application equipment, drones, aerosol cans, umbrellas with metal tips, water guns, water cannons, rope, chains, cables, wire longer than six feet, glass bottles, ornaments, light bulbs, padlocks, gas masks, tents, sleeping bags, mattresses, stoves, coolers, ice chests, lasers, non-plastic containers, bottles, cans, hammers, crowbars. canned goods, and finally tennis balls. But fell free to bring your assault rifle, because Ohio is proudly an open carry state.

***NO ANIMALS WERE HURT IN WRITING THIS BLOG***