This week on Episode 398 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Hindenburg of political campaigns known as the Trump campaign burst into flames and came crashing to the ground. The first sign of trouble was when Trump realized that his floating bag of gas was losing altitude and his poll numbers were on fire. So he threw a life line to Steve Bannon of Breitbart News and pollster Kellyanne Conway. Just when everything seemed under control, Paul Manafort, a Russian spy, was discovered playing with matches in the engine room. Needing to lose ballast, Trump threw him off the ship on Friday. This all ended with the skeleton of the ship burning on the ground and cable news analysts crying over the devastation to their TV ratings. Trump later expressed regret, not for destroying all those lives, but that the fire had burned his poll numbers to a crisp. Oh, the humanity!
You would think that all this news earlier in the week would be dominating the headlines. But then the biggest surprise this week came Friday when archeologists in five cities made a fantastic discovery. Simultaneously, in San Francisco, New York City, Cleveland, Seattle, and Los Angeles, evidence of an unknown branch of human evolution was discovered. Perfectly preserved specimens were found in all five cities, including one in Union Square in New York. Resembling an overweight and penis challenged Donald Trump, scientists quickly dubbed it Trumpus Micropenis, an extinct offshoot of Homo Non-Erectus.
The distinguishing characteristics of this new species is a large, protruding mid-section nearly obscuring a tiny and underdeveloped genitalia. The cranium seems to be rather out-sized for what is believed to have been vary small brain. Renee Costa, an archeologist with the Smithsonian Institute said, “He had a much bigger head than his brain size required, indicating that some physiological process caused his head to swell.” Other archaeologists pointed out that head swelling, often accompanied by abnormally tiny hands, is often is associated with the inability to grasp things. In addition, the outer cranium was totally devoid of hair, which the Micropenis apparently covered with primitive moss or animal pelts.
Additional features of the new humans ancestors included an orange tint to the skin, indicating some form of primitive camouflage. The skin was also particularly slimy, probably to enable the species to slip out of the grip of other bipeds when they were caught trying to steal things. Since there are only five known specimens, it is theorized that this branch became extinct almost as soon as it arose. Some scientists speculate that the small genitalia, along with the large stomach folds obscuring them, made it difficult for them to mate. Others disagree, pointing out that this creature was simply repulsive, even to Neanderthal females.
The specimen found in Cleveland seems to have been the last of its kind and was apparently killed in a landslide caused by opposing tribes who felt threatened by its warlike tendencies. “It’s a good thing too,” Jeremy Cook, a psychological paleontologist from Columbia University pointed out. “It would have been a much uglier world if such a creature became the dominant species. I wouldn’t want to even think about it. To put it in layman’s terms, it would be like living in a world run by Donald Trumps!”