It is the greatest scourge of our generation. It came out of nowhere and now affects the lives of every citizen if the Unites States. Our efforts to control it have met with only limited success as the threat grows larger by the day. As a result, we have been forced to stay in our homes most of the time and literally risk our lives every time we have to go out for basic necessities. Yes, I am speaking of the spreading menace His Excellency Donald J. Trump warned us about this week of exploding trees.

We’ve all seen the disturbing reports in the media. Peaceful people going about their daily lives suddenly stricken by the violent blast of a blue spruce or the sudden ignition of a mighty oak. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Experts at the FDA, the Forest Detonation Administration, tell us here at the Clown Car that there are steps we can take to mitigate the risk and bend the curve of self-immolating vegetation. These simple steps can save lives and keep us safe until science can find a safe and effective fire-retardant to rid us of this menace. According to Dr. Ima Redwood, the director of the FDA, simple steps taken now can save lives. Here are some simple steps to keep you and your loved ones safe:

  • Shelter in place when possible. If you have any small trees in your home, remove them immediately by first using a fire extinguisher or some other flame retardant to reduce exposure. If none is available, pissing on the tree like a Russian hooker can be effective.
  • If you must go out, wear a mask or face covering of some kind. According to Dr. Redwood, mask-wearing is the most effective way to avoid the sudden rush of smoke and ash you experience when your neighbor’s acorns explode into deadly firey projectiles.
  • If you must go out into situations where you will potentially come in contact with an exploding conifer, make sure you maintain a distance of at least six feet from shrubbery of any kind. Studies have shown that heat and ash quickly dissipate the farther you are from the offending timber.
  • If you must go near a tree, take it’s temperature first. If it is more than four-hundred fifty degrees Fahrenheit, isolate the tree and make sure you trace any contact that tree had with any other trees or shrubbery. This will reduce community forest spread.
  • Although little saplings seem immune from combusting like their adult counterparts, they can be carriers of the accelerant. So when these little ones come home from the nursery, be sure to keep them away from older trees, especially trees that are over sixty-five years old or have a pre-existing condition like powdery mildew or leaf spots.

And as fall approaches, the tree explosion threat will naturally increase as we spend more time raking leaves and then coming indoors. Also, maintain common sense hygiene practices like spraying rakes with flame retardant and washing your feet for at least the time it takes to recite Joyce Kilmer’s poem “Trees.” So until science can develop a widely available flame-retardant, follow Forest Detonation Administration guidelines for risk mitigation. Remember, when it comes to tree explosions, their bite is much worse than their bark.

Who is pulling Joe Biden’s strings? That was the big question when Laura “Eva Braun” Ingraham interviewed a dementia-ravaged lunatic also known as the Conspirator-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump. And this interview was epic for Donald because he has uncovered so many plots against him launched from the “shadows” that Willam Barr had to put the full force of the Justice Department in search of black-cloaked men “fully geared up!” on a certain flight from a certain city!

Needless to say, all this attention on the Antifa squad is making travel very difficult for anarchists and trouble-makers of all stripes to move around the country to deliver their lethal fusillade of soup bags on unsuspecting MAGAs. So, as always, the Clown Car to the rescue. Announcing the brand new airline, Antifa Air, the way to get to your protest destination with all your soup cans and Improvised Epicurian Delights or IED’s. So gear up and come aboard because we will fly you there.

We offer flexible ticket pricing so we can fit any anarchist budget:

First Class: Our first-class seating includes soup can holders for each passenger as well as internet connectivity. So stretch out in our luxurious reclining seats and don’t miss a single manifesto. Stay in touch with George Soros, Hillary Clinton, AOC, other Antifa leaders. And First Class seating includes in-flight meals prepared by our world-famous satanic chefs. Bon appetite!

Business Class: Our business class seating affords you the flexibility to change destinations mid-flight in case you need to attend an emergency meeting with your soup suppliers at an undisclosed pizza shop somewhere in a radical left city. Antifa Air knows how important it is to keep your soup supply lines flowing. You never want to depend on throwing bricks because as President Trump has indicated, you can’t throw a brick. It’s too heavy but a can of soup, you can really put some power into that!

Coach: With COVID-19 we are all on a tight budget and Atifa Air is sensitive to your need to get to your protest on time to deliver your barrage of soup. Coach is the way to go. We offer unlimited destinations for Coach because we never land for coach customers. Instead, we drop you from our cargo bay with world-class parachutes for both you and up to five bags of soup. So take advantage of our Coach Class and rain in on your next protest like a Russian hooker!

So put on your black-ops tees, pack your soup slingshots, and slip on your ski masks because Antifa Air will get you there. And we take all major credit cards and will cash George Soros checks. And remember our motto: At Antifa Air, we deliver the soup!”

Like it or not, there was a Republican convention this week. And just like the splash when you flush a toilet, no matter how hard you tried, it was almost impossible to avoid. It was sprinkled all over the cable news outlets like a Russian hooker on Donald Trump’s mattress. So what do you about the stench of Republican all over your body? If you put an ultraviolet light on yourself you will see orange stains all over. But don’t despair, the Clown Car Update has a solution that will fix you up in no time and have you feeling fresh and clean as if the entire shit-show was flushed down the Potomac River. Introducing GOPOFF, the soap that will clean off the stains of Republicans no matter how ground-in they may be from watching too much C-Span. GOPOFF works on hair, skin, eyes, clothing, upholstery, and of course mattresses and bedding. It is effective on:

  • Guilfoyle mites
  • Pence pimples
  • Kushner crabs
  • Hood rash
  • Jungle Jim Jordon rot
  • Eric scale
  • Marcia black burn
  • Tom Cottonmouth
  • Matt Gaetz crotch
  • Graham crust

GOPOFF works on rug stains from throwing up at the sight of Don Jr. and upholstery stains from shitting your pants when Kimberly Guilfoyle scared the shit out of you. And GOPOFF comes in bars, body wash, aerosol cans, and handy wipes for cleaning up those smaller spots left by Rudy Guiliani spittle. And after your shower or bath, roll or spray on our GOPOFF antiperspirant and keep the stench of the GOP off all day. It’s like saying “I ain’t been near one of those fuckers!”

So stock up on our GOPOFF family of hygiene products before the election rush because, with all the crap you’ll be exposed to, you will need to be prepared. And remember, the only way to be permanently rid of GOP stench is to wash them away on November 3.

Remember a few weeks ago the Clown Car Update featured a Trump Kool-aid drinker and pillow aficionado by the name of Mike Lindell. You may know him by his snake-oil sleazebag name “My Pillow Guy.” Well, you may remember his memorable remarks about how bigly awsome Donald Trump was and how God and the bible sent him here to save us all from pissing Russian hookers. At that time we offered a limited-time-only edition of his “My Biblical Pillow,” the talking pillow that reads you biblical passages as you fall asleep.

Well, thanks to providence and a friend of Mike’s, named “Cheech,” he is back and this time with a divine revelation and a cure for COVID-19. Lindell and HUD Secretary Ben Carson, the only man in history who lobotomized himself, sold Trump on an extract from the plant oleander, which is highly toxic. Despite all those left-wing radical scientists warning that oleander will kill, Lindell insists that this supplement is “the real deal” and will absolutely cure anyone of COVID-19. It will not, however, cure stupid. But everyone in Trumpistan is all-in on the product and damn if Anderson Cooper didn’t have a hell of a pillow fight with pillow man!

But here at the Clown Car we just don’t want to fight. All we endeavor to do is offer the Trump Cult the latest in Trump lunacy and miracle cures. So we are proud to present the Mike Lindell family of medicines and supplements. Here are some of the life-altering remedies and products Mike and his Holy Snake Oil Crusaders have to offer you:

  • My Hemlock cough drops: If you have ever had that terrible scratchy sore throat that comes with the onset of COVID-19 or any flu or cold, this is the cough drop for you. Just pop a hemlock cough drop in your mouth and feel your sore throat slip away along with your breathing and pulse. Soon you will feel like you are floating above your own body and seeing long-dead relatives and friends. When this happens, just follow the instructions on the package and go toward the light. Sold in packages of one only.
  • My Ricin Sprinkles: Mike’s only mission in life has been to guarantee you a great night’s sleep with his pillows and sheets. But he also knows that if you have COVID-19, even his pillows may not get you the night’s rest you need. So brew some tea and then sprinkle just a touch of Mike’s ricin crystals in your cup and out go the lights. It will be the longest and deepest sleep you will ever have. And don’t set that alarm because believe Mike, you won’t be needing it. Night, night!
  • My Nasal Cyanide Wash: Can’t sleep because COVID-19 has left your nose all stuffy? Well, suffer no more! Just fill Mike’s nasal wash with his FDA approved cyanide packets and inhale the almond-smelling mist until your nose is clear and you feel yourself drifting into such a deep sleep that you will think you are in a coma. And remember to save the receipt in case your next-of-kin want to return the unused portion after your estate is settled.

Also, Mike wants you to know that from now on, all his pillow and sheet products will be infused with oleander to give you that extra kick-start to heaven. And to all the Trump cultists, don’t despair if these wonderful COVID-19 cures never make it to the market because someone at the FDA recognizes you are all a bunch of raving loons. Just do us all a favor and purchase one of his pillows and have someone hold it over your face. Night, night!

It was the longest pandemic in history! Well, at least by the telling of one Donald J. Trump. This week, at his daily propaganda session this past Monday, Donald incorrectly claimed that the Spanish Flu Pandemic started in 1917 (it actually began in the spring of 1918) and probably ended World War II (It actually ended in 1919 overlapping the end of WWI). WWII, by the way, started in 1939 and ended in August of 1945. But facts in this administration last as long as Donnie’s last Value Meal he just flushed down the toilet. But is this the only historical fantasy he believes? Not by a long shot. Interviews with at least a dozen current and former White House aides have uncovered many inaccurate historical facts the president actually believes. Here are some of his beliefs he has told his inner circle:

  • Abraham Lincoln was shot by Benedict Arnold at a Beyonce concert. After shooting Lincoln, Arnold jumped onto the stage and yelled “Kanye West for President!”
  • Aaron Burr was President George Jefferson’s vice-president and later went on to star in the hit television series “Ironside” which got great ratings. President Jefferson also had a hit show, “The Jeffersons” but I didn’t like that one too much.
  • World War I was started by the assassination of Archduke Ellington at the Cotton Club in Sarajevo.
  • The Civil War started because Abraham Lincoln was soft on Antifa and Black Life Matters rioters who tore down statues of Robert E. Lee. Lincoln was a loser who got lucky when Crooked Ulysius Grant tricked Lee into surrendering thinking he was signing for a Visa credit card.
  • Democrat Gen. George Washington crossed the Delaware River on Christmas Day as part of the war on Christmas.
  • A lot of people don’t know this but Hannibal was a great Republican general who crossed the Alps with elephants that after his victories became the symbol of the GOP.

In other misguided beliefs, Donnie believes that Russian hooker piss is sterile, all penises are the size of mushrooms, and he took his own SAT’s. But there is one historical fact that no one can get wrong, that is in 2016 the country elected a clown.

Recently, a group of who we can loosely call “physicians” and calling themselves America’s Frontline Doctors held a gathering on the steps of the Supreme Court at the “White Coat Summit,” the purpose of which was to dispute the medical consensus on the novel coronavirus. The event was organized by the right-wing group Tea Party Patriots, which is backed by wealthy Republican donors. The highlighted speaker, Stella Immanuel, an alleged pediatrician, declared that wearing a mask is not necessary and that Hydroxychloroquine was a miracle cure for COVID-19. Needless to say, Stella soon replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci as Donald Trump’s go-to doctor. The problem, however, is that Stella has some other, shall we say, odd beliefs that would make you think twice before letting her poke your kid with a syringe.

Among Stella’s beliefs are that our medicine is made from alien DNA, and gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches.  But Old Trumpy just fell in love with Stella and declared, “I thought she was very impressive,” and “I thought her voice was an important voice, but I know nothing about her.” Of course, he said the same thing about Stormy Daniels.

But here at the Clown Car we always endeavor to cater to even the most exotic tastes and do not want any of our readers, much less those that are part of the Trump Family Cult, to miss out on important information. Therefore, together with Dr. Stella Immnuel, we are proud to offer our own alien DNA testing service for Trumpers, 23Aliensandme.com. Now for a limited time, you can have Dr. Stella examine your saliva and see what planet you came from and what your tendencies may be. We offer three packages depending on how detailed you would like your report. For example:

Basic Ancestry with Traits: For example, for a low, low price of $99 we offer to trace your DNA all the way back to the planet you came from. For example, if your ancestors are from Planet Gohmert Minor we will find your ancestry and give you the common traits for Planet Gohmert such as genetic disposition to excessive drooling, non-critical thinking, and mind-twisting stupidity. Incidentally, in case you are related to Louis Gohmert, we offer specific instructions on where to find your mouth.

Health Plus Ancestry Service: For $199 this package includes everything in the basic package plus health tendencies. This includes your genetic probability of producing genetically deficient offspring (think Eric) or developing serious chronic conditions such as orange skin syndrome, Whopper Gut, and Penguin Posture.

VIP Health plus Ancestry Service: With this service at $499 you get two kits and a trip back to whatever alien world Trump cultists come from. Also included is an extra kit so you can test another deplorable along with you! Yes, now you can share the DNA with a family member, friend, or a member of your Klan. Hell, get a bunch of these kits and take the entire basket of deplorables back to wherever you came from. You can then enjoy the very swamp world where your defective DNA was sprouted.

And remember, while 23Aliensandme.com offers the finest quality control and backs up the results with a 100% guarantee, we caution everyone that your results may be disappointing but as Trump says, it is what it is!

If you are newly single and are not sure how to get back into the demon dating game, then Dr. Stella Immanuel has a solution for you. Who is she? Well, Stella is Donald Trump’s new go-to COVID-19 expert, claiming to have cured hundreds of her patients with Donnie’s favorite drug, Hydroxychloroquine. Among Stella’s beliefs are that our medicine is made from alien DNA, and gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches. 

Well, Stella doesn’t want you to be left out of the wonderful world of demon dream sex just because you are shy or just haven’t been in the demon dating game for a while. So she has developed the first dating site for that special demon connection, Our Demon Time. Just download the app and enter your demon preferences and you will be dreaming of sex with attractive demons in your area. Don’t spend your nights alone, bang a demon while you sleep, and start enjoying bedtime again.

At Our Demon Time, you are only connected to the demons that most fit your specific personality and personal profile. Whether you like demons with horns, tails, or just a pair of scary wings, Our Demon Time will find the perfect match for you made in hell. And you can meet your dream demon knowing that all your information is kept in strict confidence and only used to assure you a devil of a partner.

So quit hanging out in the woods being part of the coven scene, spending the night with boring devil worshipers hoping for a one-night stand with some creepy demon wannabe or, worse yet, a pissing Russian hooker. Join Our Demon Time and we guarantee you will not only find a mate for your soul, but you may also find a demon to sell it to. And don’t believe us, just ask the Republican party. They sold theirs years ago!

This week, Donald Trump has repeatedly made the point that he aced a cognitive test that is designed to screen for dementia. He, however, treated the test as some sort of IQ test that proves that he belongs in MENSA. He claimed he aced it because he has such a great memory. The problem is, he couldn’t even remember the name of the test. It was the Montreal Cognitive Assessment or MoCA. That said, the Clown Car Update has devised a test of its own to test Trump’s cognitive abilities that are designed specifically for his situation. Here, then, are the questions on Donald’s Unscientific Mind and Brain Assessment or DUMBAss.

  1. Repeat the following five words: Hoax, Hydroxychloroquine, Russian, Hooker, Peetape. (3 points if he repeats all the words correctly, 0 points if he can’t say “peetape”)
  2. Identify the pictures below: A Big Mac, A Whopper with Cheese, A Papa’s Pizza, and his daughter Tiffany. (5 points for all, 0 points if he fails to identify Tiffany.)
  3. Draw a line from you to all the ruthless dictators that you admire: Kim Jong-un, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Rodrigo Duterte, Vladimir Putin, Jair Bolsonaro. (5 points if you choose them all, 0 points if he leaves out one!)
  4. Draw a fat man with a bad wig grabbing a vagina. (10 points if he draws himself, 0 points if he doesn’t know the word “vagina.”
  5. Connect the person to the correct numbers: Melania, Marla, Ivana, a girl that is currently fourteen years old; Wife 1, Wife 2, Wife 3, Wife 4. (10 points)
  6. Complete the following sentence: I would like an Egg McMuffin, Hash Browns, a hot apple pie, and a large diet Coke, and _________. (10 points if he finishes the sentence with “And Supersize it!”)
  7. Ask Donald to put on a face mask. (5 points if he does it correctly, 0 points if he tries to put the loops around his ankles.)
  8. Repeat the words from question number one. (6 points if he repeats them all in the correct order, 3 points if he repeats them all in a different order, 0 points if all he remembers is Russian and Hooker.)
  9. Choose the one that does not fit: Brilliant, Genius, Smart, Eric, Intellectual. (10 points if he chooses Eric.)
  10. Count from 1 backward by ones: (5 points if he gets to 0 in less than an hour.)

Now, as with any cognitive test, the resuts can be interpreted many different ways. But one thing is certain about this test: Any way you score it, Donald Trump is a DUMBAss!

Once upon a time, there was a fat, lazy, orange man named Trump living in the magic world of makebelieve. He lived in a fairytale land of wonderful poll numbers and whites-only country clubs. His entire world was filled with loyal servents who would praise him all day and kiss his ass like human bidets. One day, a man named Mr. Goya visited Trump at his house to offer him great praise and told him what a blessing it was to have such a wonderful man leading our country. Ass a gift to Trump, Mr. Goya offered him a secret deal. If Trump would sling his products from the Oval Office, he would give Trump a can of magic beans. “WOW,” thought Trump, “Magic beans! I wonder if they are fartless so I could eat all I wanted and not clear out a room an hour later!”

But after Mr. Goya left, he read the instructions on the can. Instead of eating the beans, he had to plant them in the Rose Garden. That night, after he bored Melania to sleep, Trump snuck out to the Rose Garden and planted the beans. To make sure that the beans grew fast and healthy, he had one of his Russian hookers piss on the newly planted legumes.

The next morning, Trump woke up and looked out the window. He was shocked to see a giant stalk rising all the way up beyond the clouds. He quickly grabbed his iPhone and tweeted to all his followers, “My stalk is the biggest ever, bigger than anyone has ever seen! It’s a powerful stalk, a perfect stalk, the best stalk in history!” Of course, no one believed him because Stormy Daniels already told us that his stalk was very tiny. But this was a different stalk, a magic beanstalk and Trump ran into the Rose Garden to have a look.

Standing next to the stalk Trump looked up and could not even see to the top as the stalk went straight through the clouds. “WOW,” said Trump, “That stalk is longer than a night with Mike Pence!” Then, looking down, he saw a note left for him signed “Mr. Goya.” The note said, “Mr. Trump, I know you are very sad about your poll numbers so from my gift of beans grew this magic stalk. If you climb all the way up to the top you will find a Golden Goose that will lay golden poll numbers like you wouldn’t believe!”

Now Trump was bigly out of shape and could hardly walk down a ramp let alone climb a stalk this tall. Then he had a brilliant idea. “I’ll have Pence carry me to the top, grab the Golden Goose, and leave him up there. I guess that would be killing two birds with one stone!” Trump laughed at his little joke. Then Trump summoned Pence, who was busy spreading the Corona Virus all over veterans’ hospitals, to the Rose Garden. “OK Mike, up we go!” And Pence, who was used to being on this end of Trump’s fat ass pushed and pushed and pushed until they both reached the top.

And there it was! The Golden Goose laying only poll numbers showing him winning the election by a landslide. He shoved Pence aside so fast in an effort to grab the goose that Pence fell from the stalk and landed in the Rose Garden leaving nothing but a puddle of Mayonnaise. “Oh, too bad, Mike. I guess David Duke will be my running mate after all!” But as Trump started to descend the beanstalk, he looked down to see Joe Biden standing at the bottom with an ax. “Hey, Sleepy Joe, how did you get into my Rose Garden?” Trump thundered. “Well, you forgot to change the locks,” Joe laughed and started to hack at the beanstalk. “Hey, what are you doing, Sleepy Joe. I have to get down with my golden poll numbers!” Joe just laughed and said, “I wrote that note and that goose is a fake!” Just then, Trump felt the beanstalk sway beneath his little feet and he came down faster than his campaign rally attendance.

As Trump looked up he saw Joe Biden with a grin wider than his lead in the polls. Trump whimpered, “Does this mean my campaign is over?” Joe just smiled and replied, “My friend, your campaign was never more than a hill of beans!”

Polls released on Thursday suggest Trump is in serious trouble. Yes, he is losing to Joe Biden and in a BIGLY way! If the election were held today, he would lose in a landslide. The polls, conducted by The New York Times and Siena College, show Trump trailing former Vice President Joe Biden by double digits in Michigan (Biden +11), Wisconsin (Biden +11) and Pennsylvania (Biden+ 10) and by mid-single digits in North Carolina (Biden +9), Arizona (Biden +7) and Florida (Biden +6).

But here at the Clown Car Update we always look for the story behind the polls and when we did, we found some good news for Donnie. When you drill down into the numbers in the surveys, he does have some significant advantages with some demographics. So let’s look at the numbers behind the numbers. Here are the main categories where Trump has a sizable lead and Joe Biden has a lot of catching up to do.

White non-college-educated alien abductees: Trump leads this group by a whopping 80-15 percent, with the remaining five percent are unsure if the aliens have really been returned them to their home planet since they can’t believe that Trump would ever be elected on the real Earth.

Male Suburban stalkers: This group is especially dedicated to Trump as reflected in the polling data. By a 98-2 percent margin, sexual creeps, flashers, peeping-toms, and general perverts are supporting Trump. The two percent who are not supporting Trump will be writing in Rudy Guiliani.

The COVID-19 virus: By a whopping 100-0 percent, the novel coronavirus is for Trump mostly because of his no-mask policy which has given it the freedom to spread as guaranteed in the Constitution. Also, this group hopes to infect Trump someday.

Russian Hookers: By a 99-1 percent margin, this group is willing to piss away their vote for Trump. The one percent claims he gave her a urinary tract infection.

Eunuchs: They have a hard time finding thier penis too!

White males with less than five teeth: By a 95-5 margin, these groups will climb over the mountain of tire rims in their front yard to give Trump a big “ten-four” for a second term. Five percent plan to lose their remaining teeth by election day.

Despite all the good news for Joe Biden in the latest polls, these demographics present a real challenge for him in November. So let’s not take anything for granted because if you don’t vote, you’re going to feel like Louie Gohmert at a Mensa convention.