The Clown Car Update for January 16, 2022

As if this pandemic was not dangerous enough, Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has discovered a new and more deadly variant than either Omicron or Delta. As he testified to the Senate on Tuesday, he declared that the new virus infecting our country is Multiple Obnoxious Repulsive & Obstructive Nitwit Syndrome or M.O.R.O.N.S. The shocking revelation came just after Dr. Fauci was questioned about his federal finance disclosures by Sen. Roger Marshall of Kansas. As Dr. Fauci was concluding his response to the senator he could be heard telling a colleague about these M.O.R.O.N.S.

After the hearing, Dr. Fauci told reporters M.O.R.O.N.S. have already infiltrated the population to a degree he never anticipated. “Just this morning at the hearing I was exposed to two cases of M.O.R.O.N.S. right here in the Senate.” According to the famed immunologist, he positively identified two cases of M.O.R.O.N.S., Sen. Paul and Sen. Marshall. However, according to the doctor, this has spread far beyond those two examples. The Clown Car Update reached out to the Center For Disease Control and Prevention for more information. Here is what we were told by a spokesperson for the CDC:

“We have determined that M.O.R.O.N.S. can be encountered anywhere and is more prevalent than any variant discovered so far. The public should be aware that they can encounter M.O.R.O.N.S. anywhere. We have seen cases of M.O.R.O.N.S. at school board meetings, town halls, Trump rallies, and most recently, as Dr. Fauci indicated, in Congress. The CDC recommends avoiding contact with M.O.R.O.N.S. if at all possible. However, if you absolutely have to go somewhere where there may be M.O.R.O.N.S., take precautions like wearing protective ear-coverings, preferably noise-canceling earplugs if available.”

The CDC spokesperson told the Clown Car Update that M.O.R.O.N.S. is most prevalent in some southern states like Florida and Texas where M.O.R.O.N.S. has even infected the governors’ offices. But there are other states like South Dakota that also have high-ranking M.O.R.O.N.S. Symptoms include Rand’s Palsy, Marjorie Taylor Gangrene, and Mitch Itch.

The CDC expects to have a rapid M.O.R.O.N.S. test available in the next few weeks and encourage the most vulnerable to get tested. Among the most susceptible are members of the Republican party and anyone who has an underlying problem like being a Fox News personality. The test will be an easy swab inserted far into your ear canal to see if any grey matter is present. If grey matter is absent, you have run into M.O.R.O.N.S.

If you do run into M.O.R.O.N.S., especially in your family or with any of your friends or co-workers, it is best to avoid all social contact. The CDC recommends unfriending any Facebook M.O.R.O.N.S. you may have following you. Unfortunately, the major pharmaceutical companies do not expect to be able to develop a vaccine for this particular variant. As we were told by a spokesperson for Pfizer, “there is just no cure because in the Republican party there will always be M.O.R.O.N.S.!”

The Clown Car Update for January 9, 2022

Do you want to run for Congress but cannot spell “Congress?” Have you ever had a DUI, or been charged with sex trafficking, domestic abuse, disorderly conduct, weapons violations, or rioting at the Capitol Building? Have you ever given birth in a pickup truck? Are you about to be evicted from your trailer park because of that meth lab explosion? Well, just hitch that home of yours to your F-150 and drive right down to Washington, D.C. because the Republican party wants you to run for office!

That’s right, the GOP (Gross Old Pricks) are currently recruiting lowlifes like you to run for important offices at the local, state, and federal level in 2022 so we can take back our country and run it like that ID theft scam that landed you a ten-year prison sentence.

“Why,” you may ask, “would you want me to run for office?” Simple. The Gross Old Pricks are looking for candidates who have no moral principles, complete disregard for the law, and most importantly, are willing to repeat everything Donald Trump says word for word. And don’t worry, we will help you every step of the way from expunging your criminal record to providing dark money funding and cocaine from Don Jr’s private stash! All we require is that you do or say anything that Trump asks and have your parole end before election day. That’s it!

Our party provides benefits that you will never find with any other organization. Perks like:

• A fake GED
• Free office space in the very building you ransacked last year
• A great dental plan you probably desperately need
• Regular appearances on OAN, Newsmax, and Fox News
• A choice of any of Jim Jordan’s unused suit jackets
• Free gerrymandering of your congressional district
• Plausible deniability
• You own personal bail bondsman
• Hush money and NDA’s
• The best criminal lawyers politics has to offer
• Up to ten personal days for arraignments
• And much, much more!

And if a Federal level office is not an option for you because the judge ordered you to not leave your state, there are plenty of ankle-bracelet-ready offices at the state and local level. Run as a Prick for school director and vote to burn history books. Or run as a Prick for state legislator and turn your congressional district map into a Rorschach test. The Gross Old Pricks have plenty of opportunities for you and your friends to actually put into law the ideas you came up with while you were retching into a bucket at the “Sit On It and Spin Bar & Grill!”

So let 2022 be the year you stop taking dead-end jobs through your work release program and use your recidivistic talents to destroy what is left of our democracy. This year, stop being sentenced by judges and start appointing them. Make 2022 the year you come to the Republican party and become a Gross Old Prick!

The Clown Car Update for January 2, 2022

t’s 2022 and the new year brings new opportunities for Donald Trump’s minions to provide us with endless entertainment. We at the Clown Car can hardly wait to hear the latest dates for Trump’s reinstatement with Vice President John F. Kennedy, Jr. But there is no need to wait around Dealey Plaza to see what adventures await us in the predictions of Q.  Move over Nostradamus because here at the Clown Car Update we have our own crystal ball and it is telling us that 2022 looks to be a Q-tastic year! Here are a few of many predictions it has revealed:

Marjorie Taylor Greene will have a thought and have to be rushed to Walter Reed to be treated for shock. Doctors in attendance will assure her fans that from time to time, even thoughtless people will have a random thought enter their head and it is nothing to worry about. Doctors will release her, confident that she will never have another thought in her head.

Steve Bannon will go missing for several days before investigators discover his rancid corpse rolled up in a heap in a field a few miles from his home. From the forensic evidence, it will be concluded that he was rolled there by a swarm of dung beetles and abandoned as inedible.

Donald Trump Jr. will have to have nose reconstruction surgery after inhaling what he thought to be a pile of cocaine left on a bench in a park near his home but turned out to be a bag of Draino left there by a plumber working nearby. His surgeon will have to delay surgery until they clean up all the crap the Draino loosened from his head.

Lauren Boebert will team up with the WeatherTech car mat company to endorse a new line of birthing seat covers and floor mats for pickup trucks. They will come with blue and pink road flares to announce the sex of your newborn.

Matt Gaetz’s recent marriage will come to an abrupt end when his wife comes home and finds him in bed with a naked girl scout and fifty boxes of Thin Mints.

Ron Johnson will claim that COVID can be cured by swallowing Mahjong tiles dipped in Listerine. His claim will be based on the fact that both Mahjong and COVID started in China.  

Rand Paul will be forced to close his medical practice after it is revealed that his medical license was actually cut out from the back of a cereal box. He will first deny the reports and later blame Anthony Fauci for the error and demand his resignation.

Eric Trump will confuse Dr. Oz with the Wizard of Oz and ask for a brain.

Rudy Giuliani will write a tell-all book about Donald Trump’s attempts to overturn the election. The book, entitled “A Golden Shower of Lies,” will be available exclusively at Fantasy Island Adult Book Store next to Four Seasons Landscaping in downtown Philadelphia. Rudy himself will be there for a book signing and a free gift of “Just for Men” hair coloring.

Scientists, in an effort to offset the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, will announce the beginning of research on Artificial Stupidity modeled after the brain synapses of Louie Gohmert.

Fox News will fire Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Laura Ingraham for lying to its viewers. Just kidding!

When I asked our crystal ball if the Trump Cult will finally see the light in 2022, it laughed so hard it cracked. Oh well, Happy New Year!

The Clown Car Update for December 19, 2021

On Tuesday the House Special Committee gave us all an early Christmas surprise wrapped up in a Fox News gift bag when it announced it would seek criminal contempt charges against former Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows for defying their subpoena. In doing so, Liz Cheney read some frantic text messages sent to Meadows while the assault was going on. Surprisingly, they came from some of Trump’s most prominent ass-pimples including Fox News personalities and the man whose stupid gene was so powerful it broke through a condom, Don Jr. While these revelations set the news cycle on fire like a Fox News Christmas tree, there were messages that only the Clown Car Update was able to obtain. So here are some of the texts we uncovered that Liz Cheney never mentioned:

Rand Paul: “I think my neighbor is in that crowd! Can you please convince Mr. Trump to stop the assault? I just shit my pants and all my spare underwear are in my office!”

Laura Ingraham: “It’s going to take eleven months to convince my audience this never really happened!”

Matt Gaetz: “This is really great but can you have the president stop the assault by three o’clock? I have to pick up my date at school.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “This is great, just like at the gym back home but can you tell the prez I can only have sex with one of these guys at a time!”

Tucker Carlson: “I hope someone is in there collecting names and email addresses for our next Klan fundraiser!”

Don Jr.: “Please tell my Dad to stop this attack. My dealer is in there and left my next batch of cocaine in Pelosi’s office!”

Louie Gohmert: “Hey I’m more confused than usual. Are these people here for my asparagus recipes?”

Mitch McConnell: “Send someone here quick! I flipped on my shell and I can’t run!”

Ted Cruz: “Goddammit! I’m going to miss my flight to Cancun!”

Paul Gosar: “I don’t see why everyone is getting excited. This gang is a lot friendlier than my family!”

Ron Johnson: “They are smearing feces all over the walls. Starting to smell like Steve Bannon. No worries, I have some Listerine.”

Steve Bannon: “I love the smell of feces! It smells like victory! Also, my bathroom.”

Of course, Liz Cheney didn’t read all the messages she had for Trump. There is one, in particular, she is saving for when the committee’s investigation is concluded. It reads, “You are all going to prison. Merry Christmas!”

The Clown Car Update for December 12, 2021

It’s that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we all are asking ourselves. “Do we really have to buy a gift for that fart-producing, Trump-ass-kissing, pile of QAnon monkey-shit brother-in-law just because my sister forgot the condoms on prom night?!” Well, the answer is sadly “yes,” but it doesn’t have to be that hard. Surprise you’re favorite racist uncle with how much you know about right-wing whacko culture with these fine stocking stuffers you would rather stuff up their ass:

Covid-19 Research for Dummies: The is an easy-to-follow instruction book for all your personal Covid virus research. Noted virologist and world-class ass wipe Joe Rogan guides you through the steps you should take to find the cure that preserves your freedom. It is a book, so if you have trouble with reading books, get our companion guide, “Reading Books for Dummies.”

Capitol Riot Legos Set: Build your own insurrection with this one-thousand-piece Lego extravaganza! The kit includes enough pieces for a Capitol Building, one set of gallows for Mike Pence, a desk with Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy under it, and an authentic Federal prison for all the Lego Proud Boys. Bear spray is sold separately.

Q-Shaman on a Shelf: Forget the “Elf on a Shelf,” this guy will “horn” his way into your heart with his authentic-looking face paint and buffalo headdress. And Q-Shaman on a Shelf is posable. He can just sit there on your mantle, stand up screaming at the sky, or kneel with his mommy in front of a federal judge begging for organic food. Mommy and Judge sold separately.

Middle-School Barbie and Matt: This is the newest Barbie sensation compete with thirteen-year-old Barbie and a replica middle-school with a Matt Gaetz’ doll in a van outside. Matt’s outfits come with a prom tuxedo, bathing suit, and a set of handcuffs. The set includes two tickets to Barbados and a Venmo account. 

Supreme Court Action Figures: This is the conservative edition with your favorite right-wingers fresh from the Federalist Society Mint. The set includes:

• Drunk Brett Kavanaugh sitting on a beer keg
• Clarence Thomas holding a Coke can with a pubic hair on it
• Amy Coney Barrett holding a gun to the head of a woman reluctantly giving birth
• Samuel A. Alito wiping his ass with the Constitution
• Neil M. Gorsuch lying to Congress at his confirmation hearing
• John G. Roberts holding his hands over his eyes pretending this is a real court

LED Tiki Torches: Don’t go to your next White Supremacist demonstration unprepared. Light up your white shiny face and those tan khakis with these energy-efficient LED Tiki torches as seen in The Nazi Daily Caller. Run on three KKK batteries, not included.

Lauren Boebert fake afterbirth: Have fun all year round with this pure latex afterbirth that looks like the real thing! Just plop it in the front seat of your friend’s pick-up truck when they’re not looking and watch the fun! For extra fun, buy the optional Lauren Boebert blow-up doll holding a newborn and enhance the action!

Covid-19 Chemistry Set: This is the perfect companion to the “Covid-19 Research for Dummies” book. Everything you need to experiment with homemade Covid cures is in this kit. Bleach, Ivermectin, ultra-violet lights, Hydroxychloroquine, oleandrin, and much, much more! Test tubes, Bunsen burners, syringes, and needles are included. So start experimenting on your family this holiday season. What do you have to lose except stinky old grandpa!

Rudy Giuliani Oil Can: Thrill your drunk uncle with this oil can in the shape of Rudy Giuliani’s head. The next time he needs lubrication, your uncle will have fun squeezing the side of Rudy’s head and watching the oil spill out. Comes in a vibrator model for auntie too! (Oil can made by Four Season’s Landscaping. Vibrator courtesy of Fantasy Island Adult Book Store.)  

These are just a few of the wonderful gift ideas for that Right-Wing nut on your family Christmas list. Don’t let supply chain issues get in the way of a happy giving season with the family you’re stuck with. Here at the Clown Car, if there’s a war on Christmas, we have the ammo!

The Clown Car Update for December 5, 2021

It’s December and that can only mean one thing: We are all about to go into debt we will not be able to pay off until June. That’s right, the War on Christmas is raging on Fox News and we are all busy trying to beat the supply chain crisis while avoiding anti-vaxxer shoppers at Wal-Mart. Sometimes you have got to take a break and The Hallmark Channel is offering forty-one new Christmas movies to help you unwind and watch how they make forty-one different movies from the same script. But did you know that for every movie that makes it to the Hallmark Channel, over one hundred scripts are rejected? Hard to believe any are rejected but here ath the Clown Car Update we have found some of the Christmas Movies you will never see:

A Boebert Christmas: Laura Boebert, caught in a snowstorm, is forced to deliver her baby in the front seat of her Ford 150 and is forced to take shelter in a small village of idiots. She fools them into thinking she is the Virgin Mary and just gave birth to the Messiah after her husband Joseph was killed a way back changing a flat tire. They are so excited that they elect her to Congress on Christmas Eve.

Snow for Christmas: Donald Trump Jr. has just one wish this Christmas and that is for Santa to bring him a pile of cocaine. Santa leaves a ton of cocaine in the driveway on Christmas Eve but hilarity ensues when Kimberly Guilfoyle mistakes it for snow and blows it into the neighbor’s yard.

Melania’s F**king Christmas Stuff: Melania hates Christmas so on Christmas Eve she is visited by the ghost of Christmas future who shows her a hallway full of Christmas trees dipped in blood. Instead of frightening her, she decides to decorate the White House just like that.

An Anti-Vaccer Christmas: The residents of Nucklehead, Maine do not believe in the Coronavirus or vaccines. So on Christmas Eve, the Omicron strain visits the little town and kills everyone in it.

How Joe Manchin Stole Christmas: Joe Manchin hates Christmas so plots to take it away from the old and the poor by stealing their Social Security checks and food stamps on Christmas Eve and leaving them dirty piles of coal instead. But on Christmas Day he is surprised to find that Christmas came anyway because they all had direct deposit.

A Slammer of a Christmas: They stormed the Capitol and all they got was a lousy prison sentence but the QAnon guys have their Christmas hopes rising as rumors circulate that JFK, Jr. is going to appear on Cristmas Day as the new warden.

A White Trash Christmas: It’s Christmas in Georgia’s 14th Congressional District and Marjorie Taylor Greene has a plan to win the annual trailer decorating contest. Her plan goes awry when her husband comes home drunk and drives his truck into her Used Tire Christmas tree display.

Matt’s Gaetz Middle School Christmas: His van is decorated for the holidays and he’s parked outside the schoolyard. What lucky fourteen-year-old girls will get to see Matt’s Yule log this yearA Very Bannon Christmas: The Bannon family’s Christmas is threatened by an outbreak of head lice but is saved by an Orkin pest control man stuck in the snow outside the house. He de-louses the entire family and is invited to pick fleas off Steve at Christmas dinner.

A White, White, White Christmas: Host Tucker Carlson joins a cast of White supremacists singing the favorite Christmas carols of the New Confederacy including his favorites, “There’s a Reason Snow is White,” “Of Course Santa Clause Is White,” and “Adolph the Nazi Reindeer.”

And after Christmas join the gang at Fox News for their New Year’s Eve extravaganza and watch the new Tiffany Corona Virus ball drop to reveal what variant will ruin 2022!

The Clown Car Update for November 21, 2021

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, the time of year we stop to celebrate the first feast of fall when the Native Americans brought corn and other harvests to the Pilgrims in exchange for anthrax. This past Friday President Biden pardoned a turkey (no, not Steve Bannon). This Friday, in the spirit of the season, people will line up at dawn in the parking lot of their local Wal-Mart ready to trample to death anyone who gets between them and that Black Friday special. But here at the Clown Car Update, we think it’s a time for us to reflect on the things we all should be thankful for and also some things we are not so thankful for. Here is our list:

Thankful: That we have a vaccine for our kids so they can return back to school safely.
Not Thankful: Matt Gaetz will be returning back to school in an unmarked van.

Thankful: If Marjorie Taylor Greene is not YOUR congressperson.
Not Thankful: That Marjorie Taylor Greene IS a congressperson.

Thankful: World leaders have agreed on a proposal to save the planet.
Not Thankful: Part of the planet is Florida.

Thankful: For the Thanksgiving turkey with stuffing.
Not Thankful: That Kyrsten Sinema insisted that before getting stuffing your turkey be means-tested.

Thankful: This year, thanks to vaccines, we can have Thanksgiving with our families.
Not Thankful: Thanks to vaccines, we have no excuse not to have Thanksgiving with our families.

Thankful: President Biden signed a 1.2 trillion dollar infrastructure bill.
Not Thankful: Half of that will be spent on delousing Steve Bannon.

Thankful: This year you will be allowed to stand for hours in Times Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve.
Not Thankful: Because of supply chain issues there is a shortage of adult diapers.

Thankful: Trump is no longer president.
Not Thankful: Trump was ever president.

Thankful: This year Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will allow spectators.
Not Thankful: The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will debut a Chris Christy balloon.

Thankful: Santa Clause will soon be stuffing all the stockings.
Not Thankful: For his support, Joe Manchin insisted that Santa stuff the stockings with coal.

Thankful: For Big Bird.
Not Thankful: For Ted Cruz.

And if all else fails, remember you should be thankful that you are not Joe Rogan, you are not Elon Musk, and you are not Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend!

The Clown Car Update for November 14, 2021

Has this ever happened to you? There you are, waiting on Dealey Plaza for Donald Trump’s 2024 running mate to appear. Everyone is having fun chanting “We never landed on the moon!” and hanging on tight so they don’t fall off the edge of the earth. The clock strikes 12:29 PM and then…..NO JFK JR.! Not even a “J”, “F”, or “K”! NADA!

As a QAnon activist, you have so much to do in your workday. Tracking lizard aliens, keeping track of the covens of child-eating, blood-sucking Democrats, and predicting the date Donald Trump will return in in a yellow stream of glory. And when you have to keep revising your predictions when they never came true, recruiting dead people to reveal the latest master plan can be time-consuming and when they don’t show, extremely frustrating. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore with Q-Recruiter, the recruiting specialist with the perfect dead person for any occasion.

At Q-Recruiter, we match the perfect QAnon zombie with your specifications to the special occasion you have in mind. We attend seances all over the world and meet the most qualified spirits and upload their resumes into our vast database. Then, all you have to do is post the event at which you need a dead person to appear and we send the perfect ghoul. Choose from our many categories:

• Dead Presidents
• Dead Comedians
• Dead Serial Killers
• Dead Nazis
• Dead Confederate Generals
• Dead Kennedys (No, not the band, REAL dead Kennedys)
• Dead Scientists
• Dead Rock Stars
• Dead Lawyers (But really, aren’t they all dead inside?)

Need someone to lead your next Civil War? How about Robert E. Lee! Need to find those flesh-eating Democrats? Who better than Jeffrey Dahmer? And how great would Trump’s reinstatement inaugural be with the ghost of Richard Nixon to swear him in holding the Pee-Pee Tapes? And the best part is that you can use Q-Recruiter absolutely free for your first event. Just type in the coupon code ELVIS and enjoy your first dead person on us.

Don’t get caught in Dealey Plaza without a dead running mate for Donald Trump in 2024. Make sure he has a corpse just like the one he had his first four years. How about Heinrich Himmler or Joseph Goebbels. And don’t forget a new first lady! Eva Braun anyone? Save time, save embarrassment, and save money by recruiting your next dead person on Q-Recruiter. At Q-Recruiter our candidates are just like your next prediction: Dead on arrival!

The Clown Car Update for November 7, 2021

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert opposes President Joe Biden’s plan to offer family leave time to anyone having a child. Why? Because Rep. Boebert knows that real American women don’t have time for family leave. Unlike the current Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, she knows that a Republican Transportation Secretary would have remained on the job making sure our roads and bridges continue to crumble before our eyes. And she just doesn’t understand how a man had a baby anyway!

And congresswoman Boebert doesn’t just blab the blab, she struts her stuff! She quit high school in her senior year to pursue her dream of a career as a professional pole dancer. To pay the bills, she took a job as a third-assistant manager at the Rifle, Colorado McDonalds. There she learned that government assistance wasn’t necessary when you could pick yourself up by your ammunition belt and become a pistol-packin’ drive-thru window attendant.

After obtaining her GED, she used her newfound skill at writing her name to sign a petition to run for the U.S. Congress. And like all American women’s dreams, she finally got to Washington and got to see all the wonderful things her former classmates enjoyed on their senior trip. And she went right to work fomenting an insurrection against her new employer and advocating for everyone’s right to open-carry at your local Hooters. That is why she is now introducing a bill that would be a QAnon alternative to President Biden’s family leave bill. This bill is designed for the American woman on the go with no time to spare, just like Rep. Boebert. Do you know she once gave birth to one of her demon seeds in the1 front seat of a pickup truck, tied up the umbilical cord around the stick shift, and went right back to work slinging Egg McMuffins and hash browns! Well, she wants you to have the same freedom from health care and hospitals as she had, that is before she became a member of congress. The bill is F-150 named after the pickup truck she herself gave birth in. Here’s what’s in her bill:

• Your choice of paid-in-full birthing pickup trucks. Choose from her favorite F-150, the ever-popular Dodge Ram, or the heavy duty Chevy Silverado with a trailer hitch in case you want to bring your home along.
• Free afterbirth cleaning of your truck at Ren and Stimpy’s dollar car wash and pet grooming center. For an additional fee, get yourself cleaned up there too!
• A free baby carrier harness so you can drive directly to your job at Burger King holding your newborn in one hand while flipping burgers with the other.
• A coupon from Red Robin for a free appetizer with the purchase of an entree at the regular price. Offer not valid near Texas abortion clinics.
• A $50 bail-bond for one occasion of public drunkenness.

So call your Senator and congressperson today and tell them to support Bill F-150 and free American women from unnecessary interaction with their families. Because Rep. Boebert knows that your life is not as empty as her head!

The Clown Car Update for October 31, 2021

It’s the scariest time of year again, the time for headless creatures, ghouls, witches, and freaks. In other words, the Republican party. But it is also time for Halloween and taking the kids out at night dressed as their favorite characters to see which of your neighbors are potential serial killers. There are bound to be many pirates, princesses, Mandalorians, and Black Panthers. But if supply chain issues have left you costume challenged this year, fear not because the Clown Car Update has good news. Our special Halloween store is open until dark tonight and we have the most trending costumes of 2021. Welcome to our MAGA store, that’s Make America Ghastly Again with your favorite Republican characters. And sorry to say, all these characters were made in America! Here are some of the scariest characters made popular this year and have been in your nightmares almost every night:

• It comes with a big plastic mouth, a megaphone, and the wretched stench of a gym rat. That’s right, it’s the Marjorie Taylor Greene Halloween costume guaranteed to scare off any left-leaning kids on the block who may be tempted to dress as AOC. This costume comes with a large megaphone and a Jewish Space Laser, so watch out! No treats and you’ll find your shrubs burning like a California wildfire. Best of all, there is no mask with this costume!

• What Halloweener gives out candy? Well wonder no more if you’re wearing the Matt Gaetz prom night costume. Yes, you can have fun all night luring underage girls into your included Van parked across from the local middle school. The kit comes with a wild wig made from the finest rat fur available in the New York subway system and comes with an optional Joel Greenberg dummy companion. Sorry, we do not accept Venmo.

• Even on Halloween you may need a good lawyer. Well, we don’t have one but this Rudy Giuliani costume will scare off lawsuits just by its looks. It has no neck and comes with a denture insert that squirts spittle when you say “Trick or Treat!” And the spittle reservoir has enough capacity so you are guaranteed to spray the entire neighborhood with spittle to spare!. And the pants come with a convenient front pouch just like you see in the latest Borat movie, enough room for extra candy or to fix your junk between houses. Sorry, the Abraham Lincoln filters are out of stock.

• What has a big red nose and is always flying as high as a Blue Origin penis missile? No, no it’s not Rudolph. It’s our Donald Trump, Jr. costume complete with a wagon full of stuffed dead animals and a large bag of cocaine. And if your little man has a sister you will definitely want to add the Kimberly Guilfoyle with a head that screams “THE BEST IS YET TO COME!” Fox interviewer sold separately.

• What smells like a municipal sewage treatment plant, has hair like a troll with a syphilitic infection, and has a pocket full of Congressional subpoenas? It’s our Steve Bannon Halloween costume complete with fake lice and realistic ticks and fleas. Here’s a warning, though. Other buyers of this costume report they were offered more soap and shampoo than candy. Flea collars available in Halloween colors.

• And what Halloween would be complete without a Werewolf in sheep’s clothing or disguised as a Democrat. Introducing our Joe Manchin Halloween costume and it comes packaged in the back pocket of a fat lobbyist. And you better give this kid a treat or you’ll end up having your Social Security benefits taken away. Don’t get into a long conversation if he comes knocking because he loves to filibuster. And don’t make the mistake that Santa Claus made with this kid and threaten him with coal. He loves it more than his yacht!

Order your MAGA costume right now and this Halloween turn your neighborhood into the same hellscape these characters have made our country. At MAGA, we have the FREAKS!