Yes, the Secret Service may have thought they deleted their text messages from January 6. But The Clown Car Update forensic IT lab has recovered Secret Service Texts from the morning of January 6, 2020 and here they are exclusively on the Tim Corrimal Show. Warning to listeners: Some of the language may contain “gallows humor!”:

From USSS Director James M. Murray:

6:00 A.M.: “All agents should be aware of today’s itinerary for POTUS and Vice-POTUS, Tangerine Jesus, and Milk Dud. LOL! Anyway, the Orange Bozo wants strict radio silence all day, so we will communicate exclusively by text message or through QAnon. Remember that the POTUS will speak on the Ellipse at noon so plan for the riot to begin about one o’clock. For you agents assigned to drive The Albino and Mother Teresa to the Capitol, make sure to take the long way so he doesn’t see the platform being constructed. We don’t want to tip him off! Tell him there is a gay pride parade taking place on the regular route. I will text further instructions after Prima Donald finishes his morning dump and the air quality returns to normal.

7:30 A.M.: “Attention: All agents assigned to VP LGBBQ. Orange Julius wants his vice-poodle turned over to the rioters as soon as the vote count starts. You are to tell him they just want to have a group prayer meeting for his safety and that the rope is not for him. If Mother protests, flash the Chippendale calendar at her to knock her out. Further instructions to follow after the Bronze Burrito finishes licking the hash-browns from his little fingers.

From the agent assigned to Mike Pence to USSS Director:

10:00 A.M.: “White House, we have a problem. Milk Dud is getting very suspicious after hearing the hammering and nailing through his bedroom window. Also, he thinks he heard someone say ‘hang Mike Pence!’ We told him they were building a grandstand for Donnie Bratso’s speech, but he still was curious why there was a trap door and a cross beam.” Please advise.

10:05 A.M.: From USSS Director: “Just tell him they are planning to hang Hilary Clinton in effigy or it’s the door to hell for all those PRIDE marchers.”

10:10 P.M.: From Pence Detail: “OK. He bought it. We’re leaving for the Capitol.

2:0O P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Status check. Did you lure Trump’s Poodle into the carrier?

2:07 P.M.: Pence detail: “Negative. He didn’t go after the jar of mayo. Now he’s really suspicious. Please advise.

2:08 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Get him into the limo! POTUS wants him out of there, now!”

2:09 P.M.: Pence detail: “No go with the limo either!

2:10 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Throw a bible into the back seat and see if he follows.

2:11 P.M.: Pence detail: “He’s holding the door to the limo open with a bible of his own! He actually has a bigger bible!”

2:12 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Abort! Oops! Do NOT say abort! I mean abandon the plan!”

2:20 P.M.:  “OK. The Stepford Veep is in the safe room!”

2:30 P.M.: From USSS director to Trump detail: “Get the Tweet Creep home. No hanging today.

2:31 P.M.: From Trump detail: “He’s pissed! He’s yelling and screaming and, OMG! He just shit himself!” “Code Red!” Baby Fingers has his hands around the driver’s neck. He’s not really hurting him but those tiny fingers pinch. He keeps grabbing the wheel. Lord Lard wants us to take him to the hanging. Please advise!”

2:32 P.M.: From USSS director to Trump detail: “Throw him a chicken leg and diet Coke.”

2:35 P.M.: From Trump detail: “OK. That worked! Returning to Casa Loco!”

Upon returning to the White House, There was rumored to be one more text sent that day from someone “in the room where it happened.” Yes, Alexander Hamilton himself, texting from the grave asked Americans, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?”

This week Liz Cheney dropped a bombshell at the very end of the January 6 Committee hearing claiming that since the last hearing, Trump called a yet unknown witness in an attempt to intimidate them. Well, The Clown Car Update has obtained the message left on the witnesses answering machine:

“This is Vinnie “The Middle Finger” Gambino. I’m callin’ for Don Trumpano about that deposition you got comin’ up down in Washington. See, the thing is, Don really likes you even though he don’t remember who you are and never seen you but he wants you to know that before you go talk to those bozo clowns with all the questions, there is a few things you should know before you go up there and spill your guts like you just ate some bad calamari. He knows where you live, and he knows that you will do the right thing next week and that you have some nice furniture and a beautiful rug and stuff. It would be a shame if, say for instance, Rudy “Oil Can” Giuliani showed up to your house one night and leaked all over your nice new couch. Or if Steve “The Tick” Bannon came over and did a Big Lebowski and pissed all over your plush carpeting like a Russian hooker. Or you wake up with a burning bag of dog poop in your bed. But Don Trumpano knows that won’t happen because he asked me to call with some advice before you went to that committee like a subway rat draggin’ a moldy calzone down the steps. If you’re thinkin’ of squeelin’ like a pigeon I just threw into the Sunday sauce here’s some advice: FORGETTABOUDIT!”

The Clown Car Update was unable to verify the authenticity of this recording.

Planning a coup can be very complicated, with a lot of moving parts to coordinate. And in some case, a good flushing toilet. So how does the average coup planner master the complexities of a coup? Well Sedition Clearing House is proud to present the latest in its “For Dummies” series, “Coup Planning for Dummies.”

Just what are the ingredients of a successful coup? What is the secret to bribing state election officials? And how do you get slates of fake electors to the vice-president? How do you execute the plan and, if necessary, your vice-president?  If you’ve ever asked any of these questions, then this book is for you!

These days, strong coup planning skills provide a vital foundation for insurrection success, and Coup Planning for Dummies offers a clear and unintimidating introduction to what can otherwise turn into a pretty messy criminal investigation. Inside, you’ll get hands-on, lively, and fun exercises designed by experts like Rudy Giuliani that you can put to work like:

  • Organizing rallies at Philadelphia strip malls
  • Working without a law license
  • How to finance your coup by selling personal messages on “Cameo”

With this accessible and friendly guide, you’ll get plain-English instruction on how to identify weak-minded election officials and work without evidence. You’ll also find tips and guidance on how to make legally dubious phone calls to state election officials, insuring no one is recording those phone calls, and avoiding subpoenas to appear in front of a grand jury. You will also learn how to assess shaky legal theories presented by a lawyer who never read the Constitution.

Written by well-known coup planner John Eastman, “Coup Planning for Dummies” helps you plan a successful insurrection and avoid the embarrassment of being indicted for defrauding the United States and obstructing Congress. Remember, planning a coup is hard and you’re a dummy!

It always happens to you at the most awkward moments. Your day as a useful idiot for Vladimir Putin is going swimmingly and then this happens: The January 6 Committee outs you as a seditious co-conspirator. You are trapped in the Capitol Building and have to get to your car somehow, but snoopy leftist radical media reporters are waiting outside to ask stupid questions like, “Senator, how did you come to have a slate of fake electors in your pocket on January 6?” And, “Why did you pay your mortgage off in Rubles?” What do you do? How do you get to your car? I guess you can take out your iPhone, put it up to your ear, pretend you are on a call, and walk as fast as you can toward your car. One problem! That iPhone is way too small to hide the fact that the screen is blank and the phone is off. And those beady-eyed communist reporters call you on it.

Well fret no more because Apple researchers have come to the rescue. Introducing the

“iPhone 13 Sedition Edition.” This iPhone has a huge three by six foot screen that you can easily walk behind and those snoopy socialist sympathizers can’t even see you, let alone know if you are really on a call. The phone comes with a set of retractable wheels and a sturdy handle-grip so you can easily saunter from the Capitol to your car. And the iPhone Sedition Edition is foldable so you can easily slip it into your car and drive away without answering a single question. And with our economical co-conspirator plan, you can add up to ten other senators or congressmen on your account for a minimal hush-money payment.

The iPhone Sedition Edition has the same reliable network that is used by Russian spies so you can have your handler on the phone the whole time and never have to worry about dropping the call. And the iPhone Sedition Edition comes with the exclusive delivery service app, “Document Dash.” Just download the app and have forged documents delivered anywhere in the world at the push of a button. It’s a discreet service that would never divulge your identity to any snooping congressional committee. And with the iPhone Sedition Edition and “Document Dash” your first delivery of fake presidential electors is absolutely free!

The iPhone Sedition Edition: The only phone that can block calls and you at the same time!

(iPhone Sedition Edition also available for “Perp Walks”)

The Gospel of the Lord according to Boebert:

“On the day of January 6, Jesus assembled his men in a large white house borrowed from some people who paid taxes to Rome. The men were loyal to Jesus but one of them he no longer trusted. Jesus told his men, “today there will be a counting of the charges against me and the Romans will come for me and declare victory. We must prevent this. One by one his men said “of course, Lord, we will arm ourselves as you instructed us at the Sermon on the Second Amendment when you said ‘Blessed are those who bear arms for theirs is a holy militia of very proud boys’.” Jesus smiled and approved of their enthusiasm but then he warned, “However, one among you will betray me today and will go along with this Roman plot to steal my kingdom from me.” One by one they vowed “not me, Lord,” then Jesus said, “The Son of Fred goes, even as it is written of him, but woe to that man through whom the Son of Fred is betrayed! It would be better for that man if he had been hanged.” Penseus asked, “It isn’t me, is it?” Jesus said to him: “You said it. You said you will count the Roman votes against me and told my enemies ‘you will know it’s him as the man whose ass I kiss’. “

Then Jesus left the big white house followed by multitudes of people. Jesus addressed the multitudes with his remaining apostles alongside and said, “I will be betrayed by Penseus today and we must not let this happen. So arm yourselves with the Holy AR-15’s that my father gave you and march on the Roman senate before Penseus helps them dethrone me!” As Jesus was leaving, one of his disciples said to him, “Look, Master! What massive stones! What a magnificent building!” “Do you see all these great buildings?” replied Jesus. “Not one stone here will be left on another; every one will be thrown down. And the Roman Podium of Pelosius will be stolen and smeared with the feces of believers!”

So the multitude destroyed the Roman senate and broke in to look for Penseus crying “Hang Penseus! Hang Penseus!” And Jesus watched as his multitude destroyed the building and he said to them “Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but my Holy Tweets!”

But that day Penseus got away and the Romans, as predicted by Jesus, took his throne away. And again he took his co-conspirators aside and began to tell them what was going to happen to him, saying, “Behold, we are going to Mar-A-Lago, and the Son of Fred will be delivered to the January 6 Committee; and they will condemn him to and will hand him over to the Justice Department. They will mock him and call his claims ‘bullshit’ but keep your AR-15’s close at hand and four years later he will rise again.”

This is the Word of the Lard Ass.

The January 6 Committee hearings finally got underway this past Thursday and they did it in prime time. All the major news networks covered the proceedings live as evidence of how the seditious plot against the United States by Jabba the Butt unfolded. It was revealed how the coup was designed to steal the election and help Mike Pence finally meet Jesus in person. However, Fox, a network that is primarily a masturbation aid to fat old slugs with penis envy, did not show the hearings. Instead, they covered hot topics that would keep their drooling audience soaking their bib overalls. Here, then, was their lineup of “special reports” for Thursday evening:

8:00 PM: Tucker Carlson Just Asking Questions

This week, Tucker revisits the Vince Foster murder and asks the questions:

  • Why would a white man commit suicide?
  • Where was Chelsea Clinton that night?
  • Did Critical Race Theory play a role in the Foster death?
  • Why is Nancy Pelosi suddenly silent on the murder?
  • And what about Hunter Biden’s laptop?

These and other probing questions will be discussed with Tucker’s legal analysts Judge Jeanine Pirro and Rudy Giuliani.

9:00 PM: Fox Special Report: White Supremacy, The Myth of the Radical Left

Antisemitic conspiracy theorist, far-right politician, a convicted felon, and former Grand Wizard of the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan David Duke reveals the truth of how radical left operatives like AOC have turned Christianity into a conspiratorial lie. Duke explains how burning a cross on someone’s lawn was meant to spread the gospel of Jesus. Jesus wore robes, so why can’t the Klan wear them too? And co-host Pat Buchanan offers his insight about the misunderstood Nazi movement of the mid-twentieth Century and shows off his Hitler memorabilia.

10:00 PM:  The Great Covid Hoax  

Densa International member and recent GED dropout Lauren Boebert discusses how the Clintons, the Chinese Government, Antifa, and the LGBTQ community created the COVID scare to trick us into getting “woke” RNA injected into our bodies. Boebert’s co-host Marjorie Taylor Greene gives us a behind-the-scenes tour of the abandoned lab and demonstrates how the RNA was developed using special Microsoft peach tree dishes. Fake meat is also discussed.

11:00 PM: January 6 Committee Hearing Wrap-up

Sean Hannity, Steve Bannon, and Peter Navarro discuss the lies that were perpetrated on the American public at this evening’s session and how transgender instigators and abortionists instigated the riot on January 6 to discredit a peaceful, patriotic expression of protest. Donald Trump Jr. takes a break from his booger sugar to offer his take on the hearings and show off the latest wild game he shot at the zoo.

The Clown Car Update reached out to Fox to ask why they decided on alternate programming instead of covering a historic news event. The only replay we received was an email with their motto, “Fox, where the truth goes to die!”

This week, in an historic speech on her podcast “MJT Live”, Marjorie Taylor Green warned the citizens of the United States about the impending intrusion of the deep state government on our most private choices. And these government snoops will stop at nothing, according to Greene, whose speech got over one-million views. According to Greene, these spies want to know when you eat, what you eat, and what comes out when you have a bowel movement. That’s right, the government wants to know when the hell did you eat that corn! And if you eat a cheeseburger, these fiends will know and zap you with an electric shock, probably through the chip they installed when you were tricked into getting a COVID vaccine. What will they insist you eat instead? Fake meat, grown in a Peach Tree Dish by Bill Gates.

To mark the occasion of these shocking and groundbreaking revelations from one of the foremost thinkers of our generation, the Clown Car Update, in association with the Franklin Mint, is offering a once-in-a-lifetime limited edition commemorative “Peach Tree Dish” to be proudly displayed in your home. Each dish is exquisitely designed and crafted with the newest Jewish Space-Laser technology and are numbered one through ten since that’s about how high MJT’s followers can usually count without taking off their shoes and socks. But don’t worry, no matter what the number says on the dish, we will mint as many of these “Peach Tree Dish” memorial displays as there are suckers to buy them.

Your commemorative “Peach Tree Dish” arrives in a beautifully hand-crafted cardboard display box and is expertly struck in layers of 24 karats gold-colored metal. Included are white gloves so you can touch the history and a magnifying glass so you can see MJT’s IQ. And if you order now, we will include a leatherette-bound copy of Marjorie Taylor Green’s most memorable quotes, like “The gazpacho police are spying on members of Congress”, or “If it were not for electricity we’d all be watching TV by candlelight!”

When you display these “Peach Tree Dishes” in your home or office, you are telling the world that you are dumb as a stump. And what better gift to give to your grandchildren as a reminder that you were there when the dumbing-down of America all began. So order today for the limited sale price of $499.99 plus other fees we can’t specify and tell the world “Yes, I stand with STUPID!”

Elon Musk, whose purchase of Twitter is now on hold, announced this week that he intends to purchase the Republican party and take it private. Why you may be wondering would he be interested in a buyout or the GOP?  According to Musk, the Democrats are now the party of  “division and hate.” This means that the Democrats have divided themselves from Musk and he hates it!

According to SEC filings obtained by the Clown Car Update Musk has already purchased a 19% share of the GOP including Tucker Carlson’s Tiki Torches the Matt Goetz’s Venmo account. Just like when Musk announced his plans to buy out Twitter, the right wing-a-doodles were elated. Lauren Boebert, best known for leaving afterbirth on the front seat of her pickup truck at a Wendy’s drive-thru, Tweeted her joy. “Welcome to the White side, Elon!” she posted with a burning cross emoji.

Elon Musk said that given the GOP’s full commitment to the cause of White supremacy, who better to run the party than a white deluded half-wit who grew up in apartheid South Africa.

But there are still problems to be resolved before the purchase could be complete. For one thing, the current owner of the party, Donald J. Trump seems lukewarm to the idea of selling his company. People familiar with Trump’s thinking say he would be hesitant to sell portions of the Republicans as part of the deal.  One insider told us he would like to retain Ted Cruz, Kevin McCarthy, and Lindsey Graham. “Having those three licking my ass the last five years have almost been as much fun as a Russian hooker after a Big Slurpee,” he is quoted as saying. Experts in such deals do not see that as a problem as Musk would have his ass kissed daily by the entire Fox News team. And in a side deal, Musk is pretty sure the Democrats would be willing to part with Joe Manchin and Kirsten Sinema. Of course, Trump would not be able to commit to a deal unless it was approved by his parent company, The Kremlin.

As for the leaders of the Republican party, most have remained silent on the speculation of a takeover by Musk. A spokesman for Mitch McConnell said he is unfazed by the takeover as he’s been on the market since the Edsel. One senate aide told us that the GOP partnering with Musk could be a good fit. “Just like those self-driving Tesla’s,” she said, “we’re the perfect vehicle to drive off a cliff!”

In case you missed the news this week there were two significant weather events that can change your perspective of how forecasts are made. First was the new Fox News Weather Channel promising fair and balanced weather forecasts for The Mother Land. This means all weather moves to the right for red states and the left for blue states.

Second, it was revealed that former President Donald Trump repeatedly asked national security officials whether China had produced technology to spawn hurricanes and fire them at the United States during his first year in office, according to Rolling Stone. That’s right, a hurricane gun! Of course, this gave the officials at the new Fox News Weather Channel a great idea. Why not hire the Sharpie Storm Chaser-in-Chief as their chief meteorologist. A perfect fit!

And as fate would have it, just that time of year for the annual hurricane season forecast, Fox News had its Orange Oracle peer into the bottom of his empty KFC bucket and give us the forecast for the upcoming season. And here are his predicted named storms in order from A to Z for 2022:

Antifa”

Big Beautiful Wall”

Covfefe”

Dominion Voting Machine”

Election Fraud”

Fund Raising Scam”

Giuliani”

Hang Mike Pence”

Ivermectin”

Just Shoot Them in the Leg ”

KKK”

Loser”

My African-American”

NDA”

Orange”

Pocahontas”

QAnon”

Rudy”

Stormy Daniels”

Total Witch Hunt

UV Light”

Voter Fraud”

Wikileaks”

Xenophobia”

YMCA

Zelenskyy Perfect Phone Call”

Weatherman Trump predicts that this year’s hurricane season will be especially dangerous because China has upgraded its hurricane guns to be twice as powerful as last year’s. Of course, this would never had happened if there wasn’t a rigged election in 2020 and Mike Pence wasn’t such a soft pasty imitation of a real man. He warns anyone in a hurricane’s path to listen to local authorities and heed mandatory evacuation orders unless you live in Florida, Texas, or any red state where your freedom from government oppression is more important than safety. And remember, if all else fails, we can stop the Chinese hurricanes with a nuke!

Emergency medical teams were summoned to the United States Capitol Building on Monday when Maine Sen. Susan Collins collapsed in her office. She apparently became ill upon learning that both Brett Kavanaugh and Neil Gorsuch reportedly lied to her when they were being considered for the Supreme Court. Politico reported on Monday that both voted to turn over Roe v. Wade according to a leaked draft of the decision. “Sen. Collins became very disoriented when she heard the report,” an aide to Collins said, “that is, more disoriented than usual.” EMTs at the scene attempted to calm the senator by showing her pictures of unicorns. “She always responded to unicorns,” a person close to Collins said, “but she seems to be losing faith in them recently.”

People with close ties to Sen. Collins, who wished to remain anonymous because they promised her they would never speak to reporters, told us that there were signs she was faltering even before Monday’s revelations on abortion rights. “She was becoming concerned that people were lying to her just to get her vote,” one close associate told the Clown Car Update. “After Donald Trump was impeached a second time she began to suspect that Donald Trump may have not learned his lesson after his first impeachment,” the source told us.

And as late as this past Christmas, sources told us, she began to have a crisis of faith. She reportedly told close associates that she suspected that the presents under her Christmas tree were put there by her husband and not Santa Clause. “This past Christmas was a tough one for her,” a friend told us, “and she even stopped leaving cookies and milk for Santa. It was so sad.”

In April, Sen. Collins had another setback when she attend the annual Easter Egg Roll on the White House grounds. A witness explained, “She was in shock after she saw what she claimed to be a person inside the Easter Bunny. Thankfully we got her back to her office and she recovered after we re-played the scene in Peter Pan when Tinker Bell came back to life.”

In a statement released by a spokesperson for Walter Reed Hospital, Sen. Collins is in stable condition after doctors told her that Roe v. Wade was not really dead but living on a farm in upstate New York.