407-1

Thanksgiving Day, millions of Americans excitedly watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with its fabulous balloons, wonderful floats, marching bands, and Broadway talent.  This Thanksgiving, the first of the post-PC era, has seen a new tradition in honor of the new Bigot-in-Chief, Donald Trump. It was the first annual Trump All White Meat Turkey Day Parade held around the block that holds Trump Tower.

For Episode 407 of the Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car Update was there to bring you all the excitement that thrilled the crowd of young and not-so-young white supremacists. They stood for hours in the early dawn hours of frigid New York, their flannel hoods and robes their only source of warmth. But it was all worth it as a parade of their favorite KKK superheroes and Nazi cartoon characters excited the little ones with visions of what promises to be a very, very white Christmas. So, let’s join the parade’s official MC, David Duke, as he describes the festivities!

First up is the Rudy Giuliani balloon. Its enormous head is inflated with over one million cubic feet of laughing gas and held down by one hundred volunteers from the psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital. The balloon has a mouth that is constantly moving and spitting on the crowds below, just like the real Rudy. The kids seem to love it, as the rude balloon yells over and over “lock her up”, just like the real Rudy did every day on Fox News. It is sure to become a favorite here for years to come as America’s Mayor becomes America’s Buffoon Balloon!

The next balloon is something special, a reminder of America’s nostalgic past when every building had a ‘whites only’ entrance. That’s right, it’s the Jeff Sessions balloon, with a life-size Beauregard in flowing white robes and holding his famous KKK hood in his hand. But watch out, his eyes are moving back and forth, searching for non-white faces in the crowd. The music blares “Dixie’s Land,” as balloon Jeff’s confederate flag waves in the wind. And as a special touch, stuck to the bottom of Jeff’s shoe is the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Hear that sound? Yes, it’s the White Supremacist Marching Band conducted by Richard Spencer, president of the National Policy Institute. But don’t let that fancy name fool you, this is the same group that hates anyone who is not white and of European decent. The theme of this rollicking band is “Heil to the Chief” as each member is sporting a Hitler moustache.  Let’s listen, shall we, as the band plays “Das Lied der Deutschen” or “The Song of the Germans”. On second thought, let’s not.

Oh, oh! What’s that commotion you hear in the distance? Why it’s the General Michael Flynn float. No Muslims are allowed on this float, as Gen. Flynn runs around and around chasing a woman in a Burqa. This float was put together by Islamophobs around the country who took time from their busy militia duties to lovingly build a tribute to the general. The float is covered with shredded copies of the Quran, and just above the animation is a reenactment of a suspect being water boarded as the crowd cheers U-S-A, U-S-A.

As the parade nears its finale with the appearance of the big guy of the day, the last balloon rounds the corner and yes, it’s a tribute to the people who made the White Supremacist Parade possible, the Republican Party! Represented by its mascot, a big goofy looking elephant, the GOP, the Grand Oligarch Party, celebrates its first Thanksgiving free of political correctness and any semblance of decency or caring for anyone not rich and white in America. But what is that coming out of the back of Dumbo? It’s a dump of the crap that the GOP has been dropping on us for the last thirty years. Very realistic!

And now, the moment this enormous crowd has been waiting for, the man of the season, the guy who puts the smiles on white nationalists young and old, the man with the big belly, Donald Trump. The kids are going wild as Don and Melania wave and throw Medicare vouchers out to the cheering crowd. Don’t worry, he knows who’s been naughty and nice, because his little elf Omarosa is keeping a list of enemies who treated big Don with mean things to say on Twitter. Watch out, Lindsey Graham, it looks like you’ll be getting coal in your stocking this year! But don’t worry, it will be clean coal because Trump world is full of fantasies.

And so, ends the first annual White Supremacist Parade with all the pomp and pageantry of the old Jim Crow south. But don’t be sad, because this parade is just the beginning. The people responsible for this new tradition are already hard at work, planning next year’s parade. And there is no need to wait until next Thanksgiving either, because starting on January 20, 2017, Mr. Trump had guaranteed that there will be a constant parade of buffoons and cartoon characters to entertain us each and every day for the next four years.

 

 

 

 

 

406

The Presidential transition ran into a major snag this week as President-elect Trump was informed that he, not a casting director, must form the government. An Administration official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the newly elected billionaire appeared to be in shock. The source told the Clown Car Update for Episode 406 of The TimCorrimal Show that at the meeting, the president-elect seemed blindsided at the revelation. “It’s a good thing the meeting was behind closed doors because it got ugly in a hurry”, the official said. As the president ran down a list of duties and responsibilities that the president-elect was required to perform daily, Trump’s pallor began to turn from bright to pale orange.  “It was really scary,” the official said, “as his eyes slowly rolled back in his head, his tiny hands clutched at his stomach, and he slid from the chair to the floor, out cold!”

The source described the scene as chaotic. Apparently, before passing out, the president elect became so upset that he soiled himself and vomited up an entire Happy Meal. The smell was so intense that the room had to be evacuated except for medical personnel. Apparently, the president-elect’s hairpiece rolled across the room and rested right on Biden’s shoe. “Talk about busting a gut,” the official laughed, “Joe kept wiggling the thing around on the tip of his shoe. It looked like one of those Tribbles on Star Trek.” According to our source, Joe Biden had to be treated in one of the outer offices for a stomach muscle strain he received from laughing so hard.

The White House thought it would be a good idea to call Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Bornstein, but were surprised to find out that he had suddenly left the country the day after the election. When medics were unable to revive the president-elect, Kellyanne Conway was summoned to the White House. Upon her arrival, she was escorted into the room where he was laying in the remains of his regurgitated Big Mac, gurgling something about “a disaster, bigly”. Without batting one of her false eyelashes, she began kicking the president-elect’s twitching body with her boots. “This happens all the time.” she was quoted as saying, seeming to enjoy the exercise, “every time someone tells him he actually won.” He seemed to respond to Conway’s kicks and was soon sitting up in his chair. As his tiny fingers clutched the edge of the chair, the orange color came back to his skin and Conway leaned in and whispered, “If you just get through this meeting I promise we will stop on the way home for some KFC.”

After Trump stopped shaking, the meeting resumed and President Obama offered to show Trump the presidential living quarters. With that, our source told us, Trump began to turn pale again. “You mean I have to live here,” he reportedly said and sank to the floor once again. “That should do it for today,” Conway informed the group, “just roll him into the limo and we’ll have to do this another time.” As they drove away, Conway could be heard screaming in the car, “For that, no Twitter the rest of the day!”

As Trump’s motorcade slipped from view, an aide remarked that it was a good thing that the public didn’t see that. Just then, President Obama glanced over at Joe Biden. “Just uploaded to YouTube,” Biden laughed.

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You (Not)!

Posted: November 17, 2016 in New Post

According to the pundit class, the lesson liberals should learn from last Tuesday’s nightmare is that we haven’t been sensitive enough to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. My question to the Chris Matthews of the world is this: Just what needs and concerns should I be paying attention to?
Is it the need to hate minorities and to indiscriminatingly shoot African-Americans in the street for having a broken taillight, or worse, just being them?
Is it the need to hate the LGBTQ community and deny them basic services because of a Bible written by some anonymous Neanderthal?
Is the need to commit violence on transgender people who simply want to use the bathroom?
Is it the need of men to treat women like chattel, baby machines with no rights to decisions about their own bodies? Or the need to excuse the sexual abuse of women as nothing more than locker room talk?
Is it the concern that civil society no longer finds their racism acceptable in a multicultural country?
Is it the concern that their belief in white supremacy no longer has the support of decent human beings?
Is it the concern of the alt-right white supremacists who now revel in the fact that one of their own will now have an office just a few feet from the Oval Office?
I have a message for the cable news pundits and political analysts who are now trying to justify and normalize the sewage that is about to contaminate the White House: I have no desire to hear their needs and concerns. I have heard them before, in the calls for more gun violence, the murders of black youth, the rise of white nationalism, and the cries for racial purity. I have listened to their need to tie gay people to a fence and beat them to death. I have listened to their need to abuse women and laugh about it on a bus. I have listened to their need to preserve their white privilege while at the same time whine when they are called what they are, racists.
Yes, I have listened to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. I have been in touch with many of them over the last fifteen months, and it has left me with nothing but the intense need to take a shower.

405

For Episode 405 of the Tim Corrimal Show, this is my pre-election rant!

On Tuesday, we will not only be choosing the next president, but if our democracy survives at all. No one can be sure for certain what the outcome will be, but we will certainly make history. Either we will elect our first woman president, or an arsonist. It is worth recounting how we got here.

On the Democratic side, we had Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, debating policy and looking for a better future for our country. On the republican side, we had what the Republicans thought was a “deep bench” with an abundance of talent. What it actually turned out to be was an overflowing cesspool. It was certainly deep, but with an abundance of what usually lurks in a sewer. The Democratic side, produced a candidate who is intelligent, meticulously prepared, eminently qualified, with a lifetime of serving our country. The Republican side produced what one would expect from a cesspool. And, as what commonly occurs when one overflows, the biggest turd rose to the top. If the Republicans were health conscious, they would have been concerned that their turd was orange and hairy. But as we all know, Republicans have no interest in health, and the hairy orange turd was the natural excretion of what the party’s base has been fed for decades.

The Republican nominee launched his campaign with a barrage of insults for emigrants, particularly Latinos, calling them rapist and drug dealers. He proposed building a wall across our entire southern border. Most reasonable observers thought that sppech would be the end of his presidential aspiration, but unfortunately it was just beginning. What followed was one of the ugliest candidacies in modern history aided and abetted by the MSM. This turd did and said everything that would push a normal stool back to the bottom of the cesspool. But ratings were good, so our living rooms were filled with his stench for fifteen months.

He insulted a female debate moderator for exposing his misogyny, implying she was on her period. He criticized prisoners of war for being captured, insulted the looks of another female candidate, and then another candidate’s wife. He implicated that same candidate’s father in the assassination of JFK, falsely claimed to have seen Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the day of 9/11, mocked a disabled reporter, and threatened to ban an entire religion from entering the United States. He has called for the assassination of his opponent, has encouraged his audience to beat up protesters, has called for the murder of the wives and children of suspected terrorists, and proposed to use torture in violation of U.S. law.

He has expressed admiration for brutal dictators, most notably Vladimir Putin, while denouncing our own president as weak. He has asked Russia to spy on our own government. He has expressed interest in advancing the expansion of Russian interests against our allies in NATO and has threatened to end that alliance altogether. He has a fascination with nuclear weapons and wonders why we don’t use them more often. He would even like to see them spread to other countries like Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. And like a person with road rage, he would start WWIII if another country’s sailors merely gestured the wrong way.

He acts like an adolescent bully, using social media to belittle anyone who disagrees with him and then laughably sends his wife out to pretend that as First Lady she will be a champion for his victims. He tells female reporters to “shut up,” and has encouraged his supporters to harass the press whose job it is to cover his campaign. He seeks to muzzle the press, end free speech, and jail his political opponent.

He claims to have the temperament to be trusted with our nuclear codes, but cannot control his compulsive use of Twitter to attack a former Miss Universe. He brags about sexually assaulting women, and when accused by twelve women of doing exactly what he bragged about, lies about it without a tinge of conscience, pretending he doesn’t know them. To him they are pigs, liars, and dogs. He thinks all African-Americans are jobless, murderous drifters living in a dystopia of their own making, and then promises to be their messiah.

The people running his campaign come from the bottom of the very cesspool that produced him. They are a cabal of right-wing conspiracy theorists, Russian sympathizers, white supremacists, John Birchers, misogynists, and unrepentant bigots. They are what used to be restricted to the sludge at the bottom of the cesspool but have attached themselves like parasites to the floating fuzzy orange turd. And they are spreading into our political system, polluting the very democracy that was for over two-hundred years our fountain of hope. And at the very end of his campaign of destruction, he has shamelessly colluded with the FBI, the very institution that is supposed to protect our citizens and insure justice, to spread his lies and conspiracy theories. He has done all of this while at the same time trying to convince voters that this turd doesn’t really smell that bad.

On Tuesday, you have a choice. You can vote for Hillary Clinton, or vote for this cesspool to flood our democracy. Worse, you can choose to do nothing, or use your vote as a protest, falsely believing that by burning down the house you won’t die in the fire.

On August 9, 1974, in his swearing-in speech, President Gerald Ford referred to the ordeal of Watergate and said, “My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.” I hope on Tuesday night we can echo those words with the election of Hillary Clinton. If not, our long national nightmare will be just beginning.

 

404-1

On Episode 404 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we explore a new drug that may help people like Mike Pense get through a very tough condition.

Have you fallen into a sewer and want to pretend that you still smell shower fresh? Is your ship sinking but you want to pretend it’s really a submarine? Have you ever passed gas at a party and balmed the family dog? Is the top of your ticket a demented serial liar? Well, you may be suffering from a condition known as Chronic Reality Evasion and Elimination Prolaps or CREEP.

Mild CREEP outbursts can cause spinning and a states of denial.  Moderate to severe CREEP have been known to cause night Tweeting and compilsive calling to Sean Hannity. In rare cases, CREEP has resuted in the death of campaign. If you suffer from any of these symptoms, ask your health care professional about Avoidthefactsophen. Avoidthefactsophen is a fast acting lying aid that has been proven to turn your CREEP into a reasonable candidate. Just two Avoidthefactsophen in the morning and you are ready for the any camaign activity. Tell a crowd of thousands with a straight face that your running mate respects women. Look convincing when you tell a debate moderator that the person who said those things on the videotape is not you. Yes, you can do all these things and live with the illusion that you and your running mate are simply two regular white supremacists. And for those special moments when tapes pop up of your running mate on the Howard Stern Show, there is Avoidthefactsophen Extra Strength! The facts are gone faster than Chris Cristie’s chances avoiding indictment. It’s that simple. Reality just melts away and you can pretend that everything is normal. Ignore the the sound of jaws dropping to the floor. All you will hear is the beautiful sound of Benghazi and email servers. Yes, your long nightmare is over thanks to Avoidthefactsophen .

Tell your doctor that you are taking Avoidthefactsophen. Avoidthefactsophencan should not be taken with Politi-facts, Washington Post fact checkers, Google, or videotape.

If it is taken too often, Avoidthefactsophen may cause your poll numbers to drop suddenly to an unsafe level. In some rare cases loss of an election and indictments have been reported. Never take Avoidthefactsophen when evaluating whether or not to join a ticket with Donald Trump.

Do not take Avoidthefactsophen if you accociate with any creatures called “Trump.” Creatures called Trump include Melania, Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, and Donald Jr. that are found in fungus, sewers, and Trump Towers. Trumps can also be found lurking around lady’s rooms and killing innocent animals for their sadistic pleasure.

Stop campaign activity if you experience symptoms such as chest pain, dizziness, or a guilty conscience.  Campaign activity can put an extra strain on your heart, especially if your heart is already not in it. See your health care professional if you experience any of these symptoms. Seek immediate help if you have made an endorsement that lasts more than six hours as this can cause permanent damage to your political career.

You don’t have to suffer with the effects of that CREEP anymore. Get your life of denial back with Avoidthefactsophen, now available in suppositories.

 

 

 

 

403-1

This week on Episode 403 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we review the Humiliation at Hofstra!

It was the match of the century. In one corner, the Champ from Chappaqua, The Pant Suit Punisher, Hillary Clinton. In the other corner, the challenger, The Manhattan Manchild, the Twilight Tweeter, Donald “Tiny Hands” Trump!  This would be a ninty minute fight, there would be no lying, no exaggeration, and no fat shaming. The fighters touched crib notes and went to their corners.

The bell rings for round one. As the fighters circle one another Trump, in the black trunks, looks a little out of shape. He seems slow and unfocused. Clinton, in the white trunks, looks him in the eye like a laser. Trump bobs and weaves and out of nowhere, BAM! Hillary hits him with a $14 million dollar loan from his father. A solid hit to his ego. Trump staggers, putting up his tiny fists to protect himself from further injury. “A small loan, he counters, and I built a great company.” Trump defensively moves in and whispers to Clinton that he wants her to be happy in an effort to influence the referee, but Holt breaks it up. Round One goes to Clinton.

Trump’s corner furiously tries to get him on track. As round two begings, he swings wildly at Clinton with NAFTA. Miss! Swings wildly at Clinton with tax increases. Miss! Whenever he leans right, she goes left and it seems to be working. Trump can’t lay a glove on her and is becoming frustrated. He takes a couple more swings, “big league tax increase” he yells at Clinton. She counters with her website and Trump tries a counter with his but just then, CRASH! Trump’s website is down!  The referee gives a mandatory ten-count and the round is over. Round Two to Clinton.

Round Three. Clinton comes out swinging. Tax increase for the wealthy, a clean hit. Tax decrease for the middle class, clean hit. Trump tries to move in but Holt breaks it up. “It’s Secretary Clinton’s two minutes” he warnes. Clinton comes back with a $4 billion tax saving for Trump’s family under his plan. Trump is staggered, dazed. “How much?”, he asks Holt, “How much?” He is obiously out on his feet. Holt stops the fight, gives another mandatory ten-count and the round is over. Round Three to Clinton.

Round Four. Trump staggers from his corner and starts babbling about a big, fat, bubble.  He starts yellin’, Janet Yellen at Clinton, and is warned by Holt to stick to the subject. Then, BAM! Clinton lands a solid punch on his tax returns. He tries to counter with an audit, but he misses. He tries to hit her with emails. Misses. She hits him hard to the body with all of her tax returns. Then she hits him again with him not paying any taxes. He counters with “that makes me smart” and BAM, he is DOWN! He gets up in a daze. Clinton lands another solid punch, “You stiffed contractors!” He tries to counter with “I didn’t like their work”, but he goes down again. Trump staggers to his feet and is saved by the bell. Round four to Clinton, big time!

Round Five starts with racial tension. Clinton polks with better understanding and Trump flails wildly with law and order. Trump moves in and takes a huge swing with “stop and frisk” and misses wildly. He tries again and misses wildly again. It’s starting to look like he is tiring just as Holt warnes him an unconstituional call. Trump defends, backs away, and claims that Clinton is too prepared for the fight. The crowd roars with laughter as round five goes to Clinton.

Round Six. Trump is hit squarely with a birther punch. He polks at Clinton, but fails to land a punch. He calls a foul on Clinton for starting the birther round, but Holt doesn’t see it that way. Out of nowhere, Clinton attackes, “You were sued by the Justice department for housing discrimination”, the blow lands hard. Trump covers up, “never admitted guilt”. But he is hurt badly. When he went low, Clinton went high. Round Six to Clinton.

Round Seven. Clinton lands a blow right at the beginning with the cyber threat. “He invited Russia to attack us”, a deadly punch. Trump covers up, tring to defend Russia with a 400 pound man on a bed. He tries to cover up more with admirals and generals, but the damage is done. Trump staggers to his corner muttering “the cyber” and bleeding badly. Round Seven to Clinton.

Round Eight. The bell for round eight no sooner rings and Clinton lands a solid punch to Trumps support of the war in Iraq. He is so stunned that he starts calling for his trainer, Sean Hannity, but Holt will not allow it. As the bell to end the round rings, he trips into his corner screaming, “No one will call Hannity!” Round Eight to Clinton.

Round nine. Trump explodes like a nucear bomb, literally, he wants to give nuclear weapons to Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. Protection money, Clinton counters, he is letting down our allies. The puches land like a nuclear strike. Trump wobbles on his wiry little legs, “they have to pay up!” Trump mutters, “stamina, STAMINA, she doesn’t have STAMINA!” But it looks like rubbery legged Trump is the one losing stamina. He barely survives the ninth round. It goes to Clinton.

Round 10. “Visit 112 coutries, Donald!” A solid hit to the body. “Negotiate a peace deal, a cease-fire, a release of dissidents, spend 11 hours testifying in front of a congressional committee, he can talk to me about stamina.” Trump is now visably staggered, bearly standing, when she delivers the knockout punch. “Miss Piggy, Miss Housekeeping, her name is Alicia Machado” Trump hit the mat with the force of a 267 pound bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. As Holt counted to ten, he muttered “Rosie O’Donnell and then passed out cold. The fight was over. Clinton won the fight with a knockout.

It really didn’t matter, thought, because the judges at the end of the fight scored it a unanimous decision for Clinton. Trumps handlers screemed foul as they carried his lifeless campaign into the spin room. It was a scene right out of “The Champ”, his fans crying, looking at his lifeless body. “Wake up, Trump, wake up!” they cried. “Wake him up, Kellyanne!”, they cried. “Wake him up, Steve, we want Trump”. “It’s no use, kids” said Rudy, “he’s gone.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

402

This week on Episode 402 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we preview the the debate showdown on Monday  between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. To help you understand the debates and prepare you for the unexpected, here are some things t watch tomorrow night.

What to watch:

  • Will Donald Trump invite his BFF Vladimir Putin to sit in the front row with Gennifer Flowers?
  • Watch for any sign that Donald Trump is starting to crack under pressure, for example, if he starts telling the truth.
  • Trump may use a familiar tactic if he feels he is losing the debate and tell Lester Holt he’s fired.
  • It is a sign of trouble for Trump if at any time he requests a lifeline to Meatloaf.
  • It may be a sign the Trump is tiring if he  leaves the stage and sends in Gary Busey  to finish.
  • Will Trump wear a tie made in China or Mexico.
  • Will Trump ban Muslims from attending the debate.
  • Will Trump follow though on his threat to have Hillary Clinton stopped and frisked?

We also have some suggestions for Secretary Clinton to improve her performance. To that end, we have prepared a proposed opening statement, some one line zingers, and a closing statement.

Opening Statement:

Good evening. The man to my right is orange. That alone should make you pause before voting for him, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. Tonight, as we discuss the most important issues facing our country, his penis will shrink to the size of an acorn. He will pound his tiny fists in the podium and tell you this election is rigged. But at the end of the day, this man is nothing but a Big Mac with Ebola.

As I stand here tonight, our country faces many threats. Russia is determined to expand its influence, ISIS is determined to expand its terror, and domestic violence threatens our cities. But there is no threat greater than to have a man in the oval office who would give away the Ukraine for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We must not give the nuclear codes to a loser who would accidentally push the button because his hands were greasy from eating french fries. The man is a liar, a cheat, and from what Marla tells me, like an egg noodle in bed. In addition, despite his boasting, he is a girly man. In fact, Dr. Bornstein has not been able to find his testicles since that man attacked him  on the stage. He talks a big game, but in reality he is a big stiff, except where it counts.

Zingers:

“So where did Kellyanne Conway put your balls after she cut them off?”

“Don’t look now, but that thing on your head just endorsed me”

“So when will Melania be giving Michelle Obama’s next speech?”

“I hear you once lost your balls in a box of raisins”

“Is it true that Putin’s wife found your lipstick on his ass”

“Is that shrinkage or did I scare you?”

“Your doctor called. Science rejected your body”

“Are those your hands or Q-tips?”

Closing Statement

My fellow Americans. As we go to the polls on November 8, we must not forget what this man has told you. He said that he thought the nuclear triad was an Olympic event. He said that Brexit was good with gravy and mashed potatoes. He promises that the Mexican president will not only pay for a wall but also will attend Trump University. He has failed to allow us to see his tax returns or those pictures of him and Ivana in a hot tub. He has rejected our allies, embraced despots, and grabbed his daughter’s ass on national TV. And tonight, I can disclose, he crapped his pants here on stage at about the one hour mark. So when you go to the polls, remember, if you think things stinks now, wait ’till you get a whiff of this guy!

Of course, Hillary will never use any of this advice, and she would be wise to ignore it. All we here at the Clown Car can do is wish her the best of luck. I would tell her to “break a leg”, but with her luck, she would. Instead, one more word of advise: If all else failed, offer Trump a bowl of Skittles and, as Trump said, lets see what happens.

 

 

 

 

 

401

This week on Episode 401 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we take a look at the results of Donald Trump’s alleged physical exam. Spoiler alert: it is the best physical ever in the history of physicals. It was presumably conducted by Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Image result for dr bornstein letter

Dr. Harold N. Bornstein

If you have forgotten, that is the same Dr. Bornstein who reported the results of Trump’s last physical with all the excitement of an adolescent boy discovering his penis. He stated in that letter that “If elected, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” I presume this comparison was based on an autopsy Dr. Bornstein did  on the cadaver of Grover Cleveland. Now if you have never seen Dr. Bornstein, he looks like a cross between Woody Allen and Charles Manson.

So this week,  in response to criticism of Dr. Bornstein’s first letter, Donald Trump released the results of a physical performed last week. Of course, in typical Trump fashion, he did not release the information in a press release or a press conference. He did it as any con man would, on

screen-shot-2016-09-17-at-11-47-46-am

Donald Trump on the Dr. Oz comedy hour.

the reality show of another con man, Dr. Mehmet Oz who has promoted African mango seed  as “weight-loss marvel.” He obviously didn’t share this secret with the 267 pound Oompa Loompa seated next to him. That Trump would choose the Oz show is rather fitting, since the spectacle more resembled a fantasy that ends at the end of a yellow brick road. But ignore the man behind that curtain, because The Clown Car will now reveal the actual results, found in a dumpster behind Dr. Bornstein’s office.

Urine Sample:
A random collection reveals that Trump’s kidneys have been stressed by excessive urination on the press. The medical recommendation is that the patient cut back on pissing on the press and go back to his normal routine of pissing on his employees.

Semen Sample:
This is not a routine test, but was conducted at the request of the patient to demonstrate his superior sperm quality. The sample was collected by letting Trump look at pictures of his daughter in a bathing suit. The results were abnormal, with 98% of his sperm consisting of tails with no heads, which also describes his offspring.

Prostate Gland:
Which in a normal human male, is about the size of a walnut. As men age, the prostate tends to enlarge. To screen for prostate problems, the doctor performed a PSA blood test which revealed a low number, which Donald wanted annotated as a golf score. A digital rectal was also performed, in which the doctor inserts a finger in the patients rectum and feels around. This is normally uncomfortable for the patient, but Trump is used people crawling up his ass.

Testosterone:
This test is not done routinely but again was done on the request of the patient, mainly to demonstrate his virility. Trump’s testosterone levels were normal, a surprising result because the doctor noted that he had abnormally tiny balls. In fact, the doctor was “surprised this man had enough balls to run for president.”

Colonoscopy:
This test is performed to screen for colon cancer. To prepare for the test, the patient normally has to drink a liquid that cleans out the colon. It was noted by Dr. Bornstein that during this procedure it was the only time Donald Trump was not full of shit. A tube with a camera is inserted into the patient’s rectum temporarily replacing the cameras from Fox News. The patient is given an anesthetic, which Kellyanne Conway was hoping would last until November 9th. The results of this test were normal, except for one polyp. A biopsy determined that the polyp was not a polyp at all, but actually Rudy Giuliani’s lower plate.

Body Mass Index (BMI):
BMI is a measure of body fat based on height and weight. At six feet and two inches, a normal body mass is 18.5-24.9. Trump’s BMI measured 34.3 which is considered obese. To make the number appear normal, Dr. Bornstein listed Trump’s height as seven feet and one inch.

Blood Count:
Trump’s red cell count was high, attributed to his love of red meat and Vladimir Putin. Not surprising,  he had a ton of white blood cells. A blood smear was performed which under a microscope revealed that his white blood cells were oddly shaped like hoods.

While shocking, the report we found in the doctor’s trash revealed a Donald Trump that was not nearly as healthy as his trip to the Emerald City of Oz would suggest. Dr. Bornstein’s noted that Trump’s only complaints were that his his clothes were tight and he had chronic constipation which confirms what we knew all along, that Donald Trump is nothing but suit filled with crap.

 

 

 

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From Tennis to Terror

Posted: September 1, 2016 in New Post

I spent yesterday in New York City at the U S Open Tennis Tournament. It was a lovely late summer day doing what I love, being around people who share a common passion for the game. It was an international gathering, full of interesting people from many different cultures and backgrounds both on and off the court. It was extremely crowded, but whether walking around, standing in line, or in the cramped grandstands watching a match, everyone I met was polite and accommodating. Smiles and comradely overcame any cultural or language differences. We moved over so others could sit, stepped aside for others to pass, and shared high fives when our favorite player made a great shot. Some waved the flag of their country, some wore hijabs, some wore yarmulkes, some like me wore ball caps. We were all united, enjoying the sport.

And then last night I came home. I turned on the television, which was tuned to MSNBC, and was treated to the rantings of an orange monster projecting a vomit of fear and hate all over an audience that seemingly enjoyed the spray. It was the opposite of what I had just experienced in New York, a crowd of angry, hateful bigots cheering on their grand wizard spewing a litany of lies. The America he described was unrecognizable as he painted a picture of a nation on fire that will burn to the ground unless they put him in charge. Follow him, he said, and famine would end, disease would vanish, and their lives would no longer be threatened by the “other”. And by the “other” he meant anyone who was not of white European heritage. It was a speech that could have been given in Germany or Italy in the 1930s. It was sickening.

The analysis that followed, however, further advanced the false legitimacy of the would be dictator. Treating his incendiary provocation as if it were a real policy speech, Steve Kornacki and a panel of experts tried to explain what we just heard. On the panel was Hugh Hewitt, MSNBC’s latest effort in it’s right wing nut-job outreach program. It was a great speech, Hewitt told us, and a great day for the dictator-in-waiting and all real Americans. Moderate republicans, who were appalled his candidacy, could now vote for him because he stood next to Mexico’s president without shooting him on live television. In addition, the dictator-in-waiting will be humane as he tears apart eleven million families and exiles his opponent, Hillary Clinton, along with them. Hewitt was not alone, as his enthusiasm for the racist rhetoric was shared by the likes of grand wizard David Duke and other white supremacists. This is what now passes as legitimate political discussion, the rantings of a bigot and his support among a blood thirsty mob of racists. Only Maria Teresa Kumar of Voto Latino expressed the horror of was just smeared across the television screens of America and the world.

There are many questions I have been pondering after last night’s chilling reminder that our democracy is on the eve of destruction. Where is the so called liberal media? Where are the voices like Edward R. Murrow? Have they been replaced by the likes of Hugh Hewitt? And how could such a lovely late summer day in New York end with a chilling reminder that a dictator-in-waiting is determined we never enjoy a day like it again?

 

 

 

399-1

On Episode 399 the Tim Corrimal Show we know that if you are an undocumented resident in the United States and have been listening to Donald Trump this week,  you have packed, unpacked, and packed your belongings repeatedly. On any given day, at any given hour, Trump would simultaneously give you amnesty and throw you back to Mexico over his big, beautiful wall. You might say he was the Trump version of Schrodinger’s cat, with his mass deportation program alive and dead all at the same time. But unlike Schrodinger’s cat, Trump is never one to get put in a box with a bottle of cyanide. The only poison in his campaign comes from the candidate himself and the alt-right bigots who run it. With his poll numbers shrinking faster than his penis in a cold shower, Donald and his new team of skin-heads decided to float the idea that perhaps he would soften his position and let some of the “good ones” stay, with the condition that they pay back taxes and sign a contract to attend Trump University.

The most bizarre moment came during a Sean Hannity Town Hall when Trump decided to leave the fate of eleven million souls in the hands of the mouth-foaming knuckle-draggers in the Hannity audience. He asked them to voice their approval for choice number one, throw them all out, or choice number two, let them stay.  It was a fascinating  glimpse into what the decision making process would be in the White House during a national crisis. So let’s travel into the future, where President Trump is fast asleep, dreaming of shopping the maternity ward for the next Mrs. Trump.

It’s 3:00AM and the White House hot-line rings. The president’s Chief of Staff, Ivanka Trump, answers and hears the panicked voice of Secretary of Defense, Rudy Giuliani.  Trying to compensate for the loss of his lower teeth, he spits out the news, “The Ruthians have invaded Florida peninthula!” Ivanka clarified, “You mean Russians?” “Yeth,” Giuliani replies. Immediately Ivanka springs into action, rifling through her closet, frantically trying to decided on a casual look, a white a camisole and a blue blouse with jeans or an off-white business suit, better for the press conference. Given the urgency of the moment, she decides to go casual and grabs a Prada clutch as a smart accessory. With the gait of a runway model, Ivanka enters the president’s bedroom and gently wakes the commander-in-chief. “Mr. President Dad, Secretary Rudy is on the phone and it’s urgent.” President Trump shakes her off, “I already told him his health plan will cover the Viagra. Now tell him to go away!” “No, no, that’s not it. The Ruthians, I mean Russians, have invaded Florida,” Ivanka explained.

Bolting up in the bed he was suddenly fully awake. “We have a golf course down there. I hope they didn’t walk all over the greens!” President Trump was frantic. He grabbed his smart phone and started to tweet, “The Russians are bad, pathetic dogs, and so corrupt that I will now start calling Putin Crooked Vladimir.” Ivanka informed him that the Joint Chief’s of Staff had already been notified, but that just annoyed the president. “The Joint Chief’s! To hell with the Joint Chief’s! What about the Hannity?!” “Already waiting in the bunker,” Ivanka assured him.

Down in the Situation Room, a large map was displayed showing the position of Russian troops. “Which one is Florida?” Trump is confused. “The one that looks like a large sock”, points Sarah Palin, secretary of the newly formed Geography Advisory Board. “I know because I’ve been studying maps all my life. Did you know I can see Alaska from my house?” she added. “That’s Florida?! I thought that was Scotland!” Trump grumbled. “Well, never mind, lets get to work!”

Sean Hannity, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Focus Groups, opens a secure video link to the Breitbart.com comments section. “Well, here it is, people, our first crisis. So, my question to you is, number one, do we let them stay in Florida?” The audience grumbled, obviously not liking that choice. “OK, number two, do we nuke the hell out of Florida?” Cheers and whoops and chants of USA! USA! filled the room. President Trump gravely asks for the football. Surgeon General Ben Carson hands him an autographed NFL football. “No that one, you idiot, the one with the codes. It’s not like this is brain surgery!” Trump was irritated, anxious to nuke his first target since being elected. He punched in the codes to launch the missiles.  “Bye-buy, little Marco, nice debating  you!” He seemed to relish the thought of Marco Rubio vaporized like a boiling bottle of Perrier. But no time for that now, the Russians and Florida were destroyed by the Alt-right focus group. After a few celebratory moments, Hannity turned to Trump and asked,  “What would you have done if they didn’t take choice number two?” Trump smiled, “That would never happen, Sean, because everything I do is number two!”