476

Scott  Pruitt was busy this week draining the swamp into his personal bank account. Using his position as director of the Environmental Protection Agency, he took aim at one particular area of the swamp that must have been on his mind ever since he heard of the pee tape. That’s right. This week Scott decided to do his own draining operation by asking one of his aides to look into purchasing a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel in Washington.  This request raised eyebrows in the Washington press, as well as Capitol Hill investigators. Just what would you want with a used Trump mattress?  Even Melania refuses to sleep on a mattress that Donald sleeps on!

As a result, the Clown Car investigative reporters took a trip over to the Trump International Hotel in Washington, D.C. to snoop around and see what other used goodies one might purchase from the hundreds of used items for sale. What we found might surprise you. Apparently, all sorts of used items from the hotel rooms are available for purchase at very reasonable prices. So we asked the head of housekeeping to take us on a tour of the used items warehouse and compiled a list of items you may want to purchase.

Trump’s Fabulous Used Mattresses: These are certified pre-owned Serta Perfect Pee-proof Mattresses offered at a fraction of the cost that you would expect to pay, say, in a hotel in Moscow. These are perfect for the family with a lot of bed-wetters, or just the occasional golden shower. Each of these wonderful mattresses has been thoroughly inspected and guaranteed free of bed bugs, fleas, crabs, and all bodily fluids. In addition, if you ever contract a sexually transmitted disease from one of their mattresses, Trump International will provide a complete denial to your spouse and a non-disclosure agreement crafted by Michael Cohen, depending on his availability.

Trump Bedsheets:  Made of the sleekest polyurethane, these plastic sheets are the perfect companion to your Trump Mattress. These unbelievably soft sheets have been tested to be 100% moisture proof by having Rudy Giuliani yell into them for ten hours, the equivalent of forty professional fire hoses. And yes, they can even match the stains on your Trump Mattress.

Trump Pillow Cases:  These are guaranteed sleep-used pillowcases which had held some of the most famous heads in America. The varieties are endless and range from Wilbur Ross drool to Don Jr’s hair grease. And now for a limited time, you can buy a Steve Bannon Mystery stain pillowcase at an unbelievably exorbantant price. These pillowcases are the perfect way to complete your Tump Hotel used bedding collection.

Trump International Used Soap:  These bars of soap come stuck together in a six-pack ready for an impromptu trip or a quick shower after shaking hands with Steve Bannon. These used bars of soap are loaded with phosphates so they are guaranteed by Scott Pruitt’s EPA to pollute even the cleanest drinking water. So wash your body part with soap that has already washed a thousand other body parts. Rub-a-dub-dub!

Trump International Towels and Wash Cloths:  Sold exclusively as is, these unlaundered towels and washcloths have washed the private parts of some of the most distinguished bodies in the world. As you clean your own cracks and crevasses you can let your mind run wild imagining the famous crevasses these towels and washcloths have already scoured.  Bibi Netanyahu, Tayyip Erdogan, Rodrigo Duterte. You can never know who used these before you. The possibilities are endless. Then after you are all nicely scoured, dry off with the plush bath-used Roseanne Barr towel collection. It’s an experience you can never get out of your head.

Used Bath Robes: Wrap yourself in the plush and luxurious odors of the famous guests that visited Trump International. Each used bathrobe has been pre-worn and is sold unlaundered to preserve the essence of its previous wearer. And check out the paisley Ted Cruz robes, available while supplies last.

And while you are at it, check out the Trump Internationals huge supply of used toiletries.  You can have a used bottle of Polident used by Rudy, or a partial roll of toilet paper used by Rex Tillerson the very moment he was fired. Combs. brushes, and head lice of cabinet members past and present. And they even have an annual white sale, no not the bedding, it’s a sale just for white people.  So get down to the Trump International Hotels used-items sale because as Scott Pruitt says, “everything in the Trump administration is always for sale.”

 

 

 

 

475

This year, four in ten Americans will be diagnosed with a hideous disease no one in the Republican party is willing to talk about.  It strikes all levels of society, young and old, rich and poor, male and female.  In its most severe form, its victims lose all self-control, tweeting racist slurs, misogynist rants, homophobic vitriol, and xenophobic hate. They often show up at Trump rallies with misspelled signs and poor dental hygiene. Commonly known as Trumpism, this is an offshoot of Epstein-Barr Syndrome called Rosanne-Barr Syndrome.  It can tear apart families and turn a pleasant evening into an embarrassing display of public stupidity.  But now for the first time, there is hope. From Sonofi Pasteur, the makers of Ambien, relief has come in its newest drug, Roseannebien.

No more do you have to worry about waking up to find that you sent out a bunch of racist Tweets in the middle of the night.  Or worse, that you grabbed your crotch and spit during the National Anthem live on television.  Save your family, friends, and co-workers the stress of not knowing if your show is canceled and if they will have jobs next week. In clinical trials, Roseannebien has been proven to offer relief from even the most severe racist impulses.  This is because Roseannebien works two ways to relieve symptoms. First, Roseannebien contains a powerful nerve agent that prevents you from picking up your arms and using your thumbs to post on Twitter or grab your crotch. Second, Roseannebien works on the speech centers of your brain to prevent you from making a complete ass of yourself by actually saying the things you are thinking. And better yet, when Roseannebien is taken daily, you will never be able to sing the Star Spangled Banner out loud.

Be aware of the side effects of Roseannebien. Don’t take Roseannebien if you are thinking of becoming pregnant since it is not safe to pass along your defective genes. Do not consume alcohol while taking Roseannebien as it can neutralize its effects and turn you into a drunken racist. Stop taking Roseannebien and call your medical professional if you have intelligent thoughts or feelings as this may cause you discomfort.  Seek emergency treatment if you actually act like a decent human being or Tweet something that is considered actually funny as this may be a sign of a serious condition called humanity.

Ask your doctor if Roseannebien can be part of your treatment for being a disgusting human being. Roseanne-Barr Syndrome does not have to mean a life of public rejection because you are a raging racist asshole. There is help.  If you cannot afford Roseannebien, Sanofi Pasteur would normally be able to help, but since Trump gutted Obamacare you are on your own. Rosannebien, when you just can’t shut the fuck up!

 

474

On Thursday morning the world was shocked, SHOCKED that the planned summit between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un was cancelled.  Naturally, the world was disappointed, but as Stormy Daniels told reporters “with Donald, everything is over before it starts!”.  No one was disappointed as much as the people at the Franklin Mint who found themselves stuck with thousands of Singapore Summit Commemorative coins. But some quick thinking on the part of the Franklin Mint’s staff and the problem was over faster than Trump having sex.  As a result, the Franklin Mint is proud to offer for the first time ever, “The Donald Trump – Robert S. Mueller III Deposition Commemorative Coin” freshly salvaged from the Singapore summit scraps.  Each of these rare collectables has been hand cut, removing the image of Kim Jong Un and inserting the image of Robert Mueller handing the president a subpoena.

This coin, representing what could be the last interview of the Trump presidency, is accompanied by a certificate of authenticity and the original letter from President Trump to Kim Jong Un telling him that they were no longer going steady and he wanted to see other people:

Dear Kim,

I heard in the second period homeroom from my best friend Johnny Bolton that he saw you behind the stadium bleachers on Friday with Xi Jinping.  Also, my other best friend Rudy further told me that you actually kissed XI and slipped him the tongue.  Sadly, based on the tremendous anger this has caused me and open hostility displayed in your groping Moon Jae-in in the chemistry lab,  I feel it is inappropriate, at this time, to go to the movies as planned Friday night.  Therefore, please let this letter serve to as notice that I will not be taking you to the prom.  You talk about your big penis, but mine is so massive and powerful that I pray to God I never hurt a virgin.

If you change your mind about Xi or Moon, please do not hesitate to call me or write. You have lost a great opportunity to go to the prom with the Makeout King and a lot of people were (I would never say it) but everyone thinks we were shoe-ins to get the Best Couple at the Prom Award. This missed opportunity is a truly sad moment, since I don’t have another prom date because of Stormy now going with Michael Avenatti.  So call me if you miss me.

Sincerely yours, a very, very sad,

Donald J. Trump

Hurry, because, at $130,000 each, these coins will not last longer than a Michael Cohen non-disclosure agreement.  Each of these rare coins is numbered one through infinity and come with a very limited money back guarantee.  This coin is the perfect addition to your Franklin Mint MAGA collection.  And watch for new coin offerings soon including the “Trump University Graduate Commemorative Coin” emblazoned on the back with their motto “Go Pricks”.  And also coming soon, the “Moscow Golden Shower 2013 Commemorative Coin” wrapped in a piece of authentic Moscow hotel bedsheet.  And remember at The Franklin Mint we believe like Stormy that even though Trump pulled out we can still make money!

 

 

473

Being president is a very tough job. And being president without an accomplishment to show for over a year in office can be frustrating. Special counsels, porn stars, and being Eric’s father can lead to a very depressing life. Making matters worse, that black guy who was president before you got a Nobel Peace Prize and all you ever got was a subpoena.  Well, it doesn’t have to be that way, Mr. Trump because now from the “For Dummies” series of books comes “The Nobel Peace Prize for Dummies”. Each chapter will guide you step by step on how to go from fat slob to fat cat in just one easy-to-read book. The chapters include:

Chapter One: What’s a Nobel Anyway? Sure you’re a very stable genius, but you can’t possibly read everything (or anything). You don’t know Alfred Nobel from Alfred E. Newman. So this chapter walks you through the history of the Nobel prizes and famous idiots like you who never got one. The chapter includes basic information like where are Sweden and Norway?

Chapter Five: Does the Prize Money Have to be Laundered?  This chapter will put you at ease since all the money from the prize is legal and does not require a Non-Disclosure Agreement. No Russians, no porn stars, No Cohen, no laundering.

Chapter Eight: Does Size Matter?: You may be concerned about what Stormy Daniels said about your penis, but this chapter explains why size does not matter to the Nobel committee. Many examples of men with tiny penises who received the Nobel prize are demonstrated. And surprise, did you know that even women or foreigners can get them too?

Chapter Ten: Pay to Play. How to Bribe the Judges: It worked with the mob in Manhattan and it works with people in Oslo. Just write the checks payable to Essential Consultants LLC and treat the judges like you treat everyone you screw.

Chapter Eleven: You should be quite familiar with his chapter so you can skip it.

Chapter Thirteen: Receiving the Prize in Prison: Don’t let Mueller get you down, you can get indicted and convicted and still receive the Nobel prize. This chapter gives you tips on hiding the prize from the cellmate with the face tattoo and the gold bull hanging from his nose. Another tip, you may be able to trade the prize for Happy Meals.

Chapter Fifteen: You Won the Prize, Now What?: Well, you’re in Oslo and we have pissing hookers too! Enjoy!

Chapter Eighteen: Is Nobel Peace Prize Waterproof?:  Yes. This is an important chapter especially if you plan to visit Oslo’s fine brothels for a refreshing Golden Shower. Wear the award around your neck or better yet, let the girls use it to give you a proper spanking! Let the streams flow freely,  confident that your award comes with a urine-proof coating.  It’s dishwasher safe and our legal experts tell us it’s subpoena-proof.

And if you like “The Nobel Peace Prize for Dummies” try our other self-help books, “North Korea Negotiations for Dummies”,  “McDonald’s Drive-Thru for Dummies”, and our ever-popular “Russian Collusion for Dummies”. And remember, Mr. Trump, you may win a Nobel Peace Prize, but as everyone knows, you will always be a dummy!

 

 

 

472

It seems like a year ago that Trump’s own legal team leaked a list of questions that were allegedly proposed by Robert Mueller.  It turned out that the questions were actually written by Trump’s own attorney,  Jay Sekulow in an attempt to scare Trump into backing down from an interview with the Special Counsel’s office. However, what was missing were the questions we at the Clown Car want to be answered. To remedy that situation, we prepared a list of questions we at the Clown Car Update would like Trump to answer:

At what point did you determine that being orange was an attractive look?

Have you ever watched “Orange Is the New Black”?

Did you ever misrepresent the size of your wealth or penis to get women to sleep with you?

When Stormy Daniels spanked you, did you wet yourself?

When Stormy Daniels spanked you, did she injure Devin Nunes?

Boxers, briefs, or very briefs?

After you had sex with Stormy Daniels, did she assist you in locating your penis afterward?

Here is a picture of Russian hookers performing a golden shower. Can you identify the fat bald guy sitting under the shower?

You claim to be a germaphobe. How do you account for Steven Miller?

Have you ever had sex with a Big Mac, Kentucky Fried Chicken leg, or Fish Fillet sandwich?

Did you disclose the receipt of gifts from your Happy Meals?

When you were with Rudy Giuliani in drag, did you ever grab his fake boobs or slip him the tongue? 

Have you ever masturbated to pictures of real billionaires?

Did you ever have a sexual relationship with Vladimir Putin? Jared Kushner? Ice Cream?

How much do you weigh? Are you willing to step on a scale for us?

Did you try to force AG Sessions to resign by threatening to burn down his tree?

Did you ever threaten AG Sessions with elficide?

Do you buy your suit pants at Duluth Trading Company?

Did you really think TY Cobb was Colonel Sanders?

Is it true that your staff wear raincoats when Rudy Giuliani is giving a presentation?

Have you ever tried penis enhancement products? Why do you think they don’t work for you?

Did you ever claim shrinkage? If so, was it to Rudy Giuliani?

 Can you touch your toes? When is the last time you have seen your penis?

Your hair flap, Super Glue or Flex tape?

Dr. Harold Bornstein: Real or a muppet?

On the Montreal Cognitive Test, is it true you could not identify your daughter Tiffany?

Of course, these are only a partial list. Many questions are still unanswered like where did Eric come from? What is your hair made of? Has Rudy Giuliani lost his mind or is he a military experiment gone bad? And the question of the year, do you prefer a striped or orange jumpsuit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

471-1

Last Wednesday night the residents of Fox Nation were shocked to hear Rudy Guiliani, former New York mayor, and current American Dental Association poster-boy for poor dental hygiene, break the news to them of what all Americans with most of their teeth already knew: Donald Trump is a liar. Yes, Trump, through his attorney and favorite cuck, Michael Cohen, actually paid Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair, something most women who had sex with Trump would be happy to do for free. But as always, Rudy made other claims on various Fox News shows that were destroyed before they aired. But as always, the Clown Car Update got the tapes and they are bombshells.

Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. murders:

Rudy claimed on “Justice with Judge Janine” that it was Donald J. Trump who authorized Michael Cohen to arrange the drive-by shootings of both hip-hop artists but said that both were perfectly legal because he never really knew if Michael actually arranged those particular murders.  According to Rudy, Donald gave Cohen a retainer fee every month to take care of such things as killing hip-hop artists and paying off porn stars he may have slept with. Rudy explained that such arrangements are routine with lawyers and he had similar arrangements with his clients. In fact, he is working on a “case” for Kanye West right now concerning Charlamagne Tha God.

Tylenol Poisonings

In late September/early October 1982, seven Chicago-area people died from popping Tylenol pills laced with cyanide. On “Fox and Friends” this week, Rudy Guiliani said he can now reveal new facts in the case. According to Rudy, Donald Trump was planning to market his own pain reliever under the brand name “Trumpinol.” Knowing that Tylenol had a corner on the market, Trump paid a then sixteen-year-old Michael Cohen to lace some bottles of Tylenol with cyanide at a drug store where he worked part-time as a stocking clerk.  Trump funneled the money through a mail slot in the door of a Rite-Aid. Rudy explained that this was all perfectly legal because it was an official U.S. Postal Service mail slot. Also, it is common practice for lawyers for famous or wealthy people to hire young high-school kids to poison people and as a matter of fact, Rudy is working on a similar case for Kim Kardashian.

The Nicole Brown/Ron Goldman Double Murder

I know what you are thinking, we know who did this one. But do you? Well, in an interview on Sean Hannity’s radio show, Rudy explained what really happened and laid some facts on Sean. As Guiliani explained, it was a simple real estate deal and that was it. He was arranging to buy O.J. Simpson’s house for some Russian oligarch and things just got crazy.  Apparently, Nicole was holding out for more money. Trump funneled money to a then young personal injury attorney Michael Cohen who Trump knew from his Tylenol poisoning days. Trump had been sending Cohen thirty-five thousand dollars since the Tylenol misunderstanding to keep him quiet and as a retainer. Well, Donald told Michael to take care of things at the Simpson home. Trump was unaware of what Michael Cohen did. All Trump was told was that he left a pair of gloves at the scene. All totally innocent, Rudy said. In fact, he took care of things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he is working on a similar case for Donald Jr against his wife in the divorce case. Stay tuned on that one.

The Kennedy Assassination

This was the strangest admission of all. On the Tucker Carlson Show, Rudy revealed that a seventeen-year-old Donald Trump was sending periodic retainers of thirty-five thousand dollars to Michael Cohen’s mother in anticipation that she would give birth to him three years after the assassination. It was all for perfectly legitimate opposition research on Rafael Cruz, the father of Ted Cruz. Trump paid Mrs. Cohen to take pictures of Raphael Cruz having breakfast with Lee Harvey Oswald. According to Guiliani, this is all legitimate oppo research, unlike the kind that was done by crooked Hillary. Rudy said he did things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he has worked on similar oppo research for U.S. Grant who claims his opponent Horatio Seymour’s father was involved in the Lincoln assassination.

These are only a few of the stunning revelations Rudy Guiliani made in his attempt to distance Donald Trump from some of the more salacious charges lodged against him. However, there still remain questions about some of Trump’s most notorious crimes, not the least of which was fathering Eric.

 

470

Lawyers, if you ever had a client like Donald J. Trump, you know the value of silence. But between his Twitter account and phone line to Fox and Friends, it’s hard to get him to shut up. But just in time for Trump’s new legal team comes Pie Hole Duct Tape. Pie Hole Duct Tape has so many uses you will never run out of ideas. Does Trump want to call Fox and Friends this morning? Well, just apply Pie Hole Duct Tape to his mouth and all they hear are muffled rambling. They will never notice the difference! And how about those early morning Tweets? For those occasions try Twitter Thumbs Duct Tape and securely tape his thumbs to his wrist for a secure hold even on his most angry mornings. With his thumbs taped to his wrist, he can’t hold a phone. In fact, he can’t even hold a chicken leg. So get Pie-Hole Duct Tape and the companion Twitter Thumb Duct Tape and be a lawyer who can sleep at night again.

Now this week, as Donald Trump’s legal problems piled up, he reached out for additional representation. A desperate search by his legal team ended after being turned down by the law firm of Chargum, Lotts, and Moore. In desperation, the president was about to name Kanye West to his legal team when Rudy Giuliani announced that he would come to the rescue.  He promptly began negotiations with Robert Mueller but had to deliver some bad news. What bad news did Rudy deliver to Trump?  Here are the top ten things Donald J. Trump does not want to hear from his attorneys:

10.  “We are going to have to bill you by the lie”

9.   “One of your attorneys hired an attorney and now he needs an attorney”

8.   “The FBI just raided Ronnie Jackson’s office and took the scale”

7.  “Vladimir sold the pee-pee tape on eBay to a bidder named MuellerFBI

6.  “Donald Jr and Eric just flipped”

5.  “They subpoenaed your MacDonald’s drive-through records”

4.  “That Easter Bunny was an FBI agent”

3.  “Macrone has the bedsheets”

2. “Avenatti just called with an offer and we’re going to work for him!”

1.  “Melania’s hat was wired”

 

 

469

Thursday night, under pressure from the House Intelligence Committee, the Department of Justice released the famous “Comey Memos”. And without taking their lips off Trump’s ass for even a breath of air the republican’s on the committee were leaking faster than a Russian hooker.  The memos were heavily redacted and left out some “juicy” details to the imagination. Let’s just say they whet your appetite. Well, imagine no more because the Clown Car Update team has obtained the unredacted versions of the memos and they are real pissers. I would like to caution our readers that these memos are not office or child appropriate, so take appropriate measures and put on your golden shower caps!

Memo #1:

January 6, 2017

I executed the meeting just as I had planned. I told him I wanted to speak to him about a report written by Christopher Steele and paid for by [Mike Pence] and that the report was [uploaded by mistake to a popular porn site]. In the report, Mr. Steele claimed that the Russians had a videotape of him in a Moscow hotel room with five hookers.  On the tape, [the hookers peed on his mattress while Stormy Daniels spanked him in his underwear.]  I told him there were a lot of other allegations, but he seemed most interested in the tape. He asked me if [you could see him clearly or was there wiggle room for him to deny this to Melania].  I told him that I hadn’t seen the tape myself but the entire Intelligence Community and Sen. John McCain have [been using it at office parties since last July]. I told him I wasn’t saying that the tapes were authentic but he seemed obsessed with one aspect of them asking several times [did my penis look like I had shrinkage?]. We agreed to discuss this further in [Scott Pruitt’s soundproof booth]

Memo #2

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with the president in [Pruitt’s soundproof booth] at 6:30 PM. There were two servers who I had a chance to chat with. They were retired Navy submariners and we had a fun discussion about [Trump’s tiny hands].  The president talked non-stop about a number of topics then brought up the dossier. He said he wanted me to investigate the peepee tape because there was a [99%] chance Melania would absolutely believe he would do such a thing. Also, he asked me if I could investigate the incident and  [remove any DNA evidence from bedsheets].  I said that would not be a good idea so he asked if I would at least consider [taking a look at the sheets and give him any stain removal tips]. I declined and we finished dinner. He suggested that my family come for dinner sometime. He thought maybe then [he might ask my wife how to get the stains out]. We shook hands and I used hand sanitizer when I got into my car.

Memo #3

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House for a 4 PM “meet and greet” with Reince Priebus. As I sat there waiting in the West Wing lobby, Mike Flynn stopped by and sat down and we chatted about [how an orange clown like Trump could ever get elected]. There was no mention by either of us about [the time we watched the peepee tape together]. Then Rience’s assistant took me into the Chief of Staff’s office.  We discussed a variety of subjects including how the [hell a nitwit like Trump] ended up in the [White House]. He then asked me if I could assure him that [he could maybe get a copy of the peepee tape] so he could [have some job security]. I said that would have to go through proper channels, specifically the [Kremlin]. Before I left Reince took me in to say hello to the president. He was speaking with Sean Spicer who was introduced as the White House [Easter Bunny].  The president then brought up the “golden shower” thing and once again asked if I could find out [how to get pee stains out of a bedsheet]. I said I could not and departed.

*Publication of these memos has been cleared by our legal department using the Sean Hannity method which is throwing ten bucks at a lawyer we met in a bar so all this is covered by attorney-client privilege.

 

 

 

468

Knock, knock. Who’s there? Soup. Soup who? Souprise, motherfucker! That’s the greeting Trump’s personal lawyer and prime ass-pimple, Michael Cohen received on Monday morning as he began his work week of paying off porn stars and burning underwear. As the news unfolded, panic spread in the West Wing and the Oval Office itself. What was in the piles of documents, cell phones, computers, and empty Kentucky Fried Chicken buckets that may produce evidence of a crime? As always, the Office of Special Prosecutor was silent about the raid, but the Clown Car Update was able to obtain a partial list of items taken from Mr. Cohen’s office. The items include:

  • Exhibit 1:  A rolled up magazine used by Stormy Daniels to spank Donald Trump along with a pair of spanking-worn underwear in size 52.
  • Exhibit 2:  Stained sheets and blankets from the Moscow Ritz Carleton Hotel along with a videotape marked “Donald Takes a Shower”.
  • Exhibit 3:  An audio recording of Stormy Daniels describing Donald Trump’s penis as “a dead slug in a saucer of beer.”
  • Exhibit 4:  Trump wigs made of pubic hairs
  • Exhibit 5: Paul Ryan’s spine which forensic experts estimate the was removed sometime after November 8, 2016.
  • Exhibit 6: Fred Trump’s hood and sheet collection.
  • Exhibit 7: Thousands of unsold “Trump University” pennants saying “Trump University, Go Pricks!”
  • Exhibit 8:  A shoebox filled with love letters marked “Poody Porn”.
  • Exhibit 9:  A case of Billy Bush “Tic Tacs” from the Access Holywood bus used for inappropriate and unwanted kissing.
  • Exhibit 10: DNA evidence proving that Sean Hannity was cloned from a polyp removed from Donal Trump’s colon in 1961.
  • Exhibit 11: A video by this year’s Easter Bunny claiming that Trump was fondled his cottontail at the annual Easter Egg Roll. An NDA and a 130,000 carrot payout were included.
  • Exhibit 12: The Stormy Daniels DVD Box Set featuring a patriotic dedication by David Dennison.

This is just a small sample of the voluminous material taken from Cohen’s office that included documents, tapes, cell phones, and sex toys.  Needless to say, Michael Cohen’s lawyer Stephen Ryan, called the raids “inappropriate and unnecessary” and complained that investigators seized privileged records, to which Robert Mueller replied, “SAYS WHO?!?!”

 

 

467.1

The Trump Administration has ordered two thousand National Guard troops to the Delaware border to stop a caravan of Amazon.com shoppers from getting their orders free of sales tax. Responding to a segment he saw on “Fox and Friends” Sunday morning, Trump tweeted “Delaware is doing very little, if not NOTHING, at stopping people from ordering stuff through their Amazon Prime accounts and having them shipped to their homes in by using the US Postal System. They laugh at our dumb postal laws that use the Post Office like it was a delivery service. They must stop the big merchandise and book flows, or I will stop their cash cow, NAFTA. NEED WALL AROUND AMAZON.”  In a later tweet, Trump emphasized his frustration with the situation tweeting “These large “caravans” of people are taking advantage of Amazon Prime Days sales and want into the act. MUST STOP JEFF BEZOS!”

Trump’s tweetstorm and National Guard order can be traced to a commercial that aired between “Fox and Friends” segments and enraged the president according to two sources who spoke on condition of anonymity because they have Amazon Prime accounts. According to the sources, the president awoke to his usual breakfast of McDonalds Sausage Burritos and hashbrowns and became so upset that he never finished his Sausage McGriddle Meal. He immediately called Director of Homeland Security Kirstjen M. Nielsen who held a press conference on Monday.

At her press conference, Secretary Nielsen said that Jeff Bezos is causing a crisis at the Delaware border by offering free shipping until April 30.  She indicated that the threat will be meet with the full force of the United States military. We asked her how much having boots on the ground will cost. “That depends on Amazon. We are insisting that they pay for the boots. I ordered them from Amazon to take advantage of the free shipping.”

Jeff Bezos, founder, and CEO of Amazon fired back. “This is an attack on democracy and free enterprise and we intend to respond in kind. We have ordered our distribution centers that effective immediately we will start delivery by drone!”  After Bezos’ comments, Trump swiftly tweeted, “I have drones and my drones are bigger than Little Amazon Jeff’s!”

And the conflict has rattled the markets. Fear of a drone war and loss of free shipping has caused panic buying on Amazon. “The orders are coming in faster than Trump can down a KFC family bucket,” Bezos told us,  “and orders are up for everything except Ivanka’s shoes.” Public reaction to the president’s attacks on the “caravan” and Amazon has been harsh and swift.  Of two hundred million customer reviews on Trump’s presidency, he has earned an average rating of one-half a star. When asked if they would recommend Trump to a friend, 99% of customers said “NO!” One customer commented, “I voted for Trump but when he arrived I was disappointed. The packaging was shabby and he had a strange urine odor about him. I will be returning him in November.”