It looks more and more like Ron DeSantis is getting into the 2024 presidential race and his main issue will be the dread disease of “woke-ism.” Ron gladly will tell you that by banning books, banning transgender children’s health care, and banning Mickey Mouse, he has made Florida the place where “woke” comes to die. Newsflash, Ron! Florida is where EVERYONE goes to die! Even Florida’s state motto is, “Death’s Waiting Room!” But how do you know if you’re woke? It can be confusing, but here at the Clown Car, we drew up some guidelines that might help you decide where you stand. How do you know if you’re woke? Well, here are some clues:

If your neighborhood is diverse in cultural experience, you’re probably woke.

If your neighborhood is diverse in the different model pickup trucks in the driveways, you are probably not woke!

If you floss and brush your teeth daily and see your dentist twice a year, you’re probably woke.

If you think toothpaste is something to paste your teeth back to your gums, you’re probably not woke.

If you spend hours at art museums enjoying the works of the masters, you’re probably woke.

If you spend hours at the corner minimart enjoying the artwork on the Doritos display, you’re probably not woke.

If your dream vacation is to visit the pyramids, dine at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and take a gondola ride in Venice, you’re probably woke.

If your dream vacation is checking into a Motel 6, picking up some Slim Jim’s, and jumping into their pool with an old inner tube, you’re probably not woke.

If you just enjoyed a great Fourth of July celebration that ended with a beautiful fireworks display, you’re probably woke.

If you just attended a Klan meeting that ended in a meth lab explosion, you’re probably not woke.

If you fly the American flag because you’re proud to stand up for democracy, you’re probably woke.

If you crapped your American flag underwear in the January 6 riot, you’re probably not woke.

If your home is at the end of cul-de-sac in a nice neighborhood, you’re probably woke.

If your home is hitched to a 2005 F-150 at the end of an abandoned strip mine, you’re probably not woke.

If you stocked up on surgical masks and hand sanitizer during the pandemic, you’re probably woke.

If you stocked up on ammunition, horse dewormer, and Wild Turkey during the pandemic, you’re probably not woke.

If you think empathy makes a better person, you’re probably woke.

If you think Empathy is the name of the stripper at Bubba’s Roadhouse, you’re probably not woke.

If you like to decorate for the holidays with multicultural displays, you’re probably woke.

If you put blinking lights on the spare tire rims in your front yard, you’re probably not woke.

If after looking at this profile you find that you’re “woke,” welcome to the human race!

If after looking at this profile you find that you are not “woke,” then come to DeSantis’s Florida, where, like Motel 6, he’ll keep a tiki torch lit for ya!

In a statement released late Saturday night, Fox News is reporting that Tucker Carlson, the host of the network’s top rated show, “The Klan Tonight,” was taken to the hospital after suffering life-threatening injuries during an attack by an unidentified assailant. For those not familiar with Fox News, Carlson is the one with the expression on his face like he just had a porcupine crawl out of his rectum. While details of the assault were kept sketchy, sources inside Fox News, speaking off the record because no one at Fox News is authorized to tell the truth,  have told the Clown Car Update some details of the event.

According to one source, Mr. Carlson, while he was alone in his dressing room shedding his skin, was attacked by an unknown assailant just before he was to appear on his White supremacy news hour. According to the source, the “assailant got his robes in a knot due to news stories that Tucker Carlson hates Trumpelstiltskin.  As was reported this week, text messages between Carlson and his fellow coven members, Sean Hannity and Laura Ingraham, revealed that they were ready to dump Trump like a bowel movement on Taco Tuesday.  According to the witness, the attacker, using a rolled up New York Times containing the account of his emails and texts, began beating Carlson while screaming “truth will not replace us!” One witness describing the attack said it was like “watching the Pillsbury Doe Boy beaten into a pizza shell!”

Meanwhile, surgeons at the reptile department of Bethesda Veterinary emergency department spent six hours in surgery trying to repair the damage caused by the brutal newspaper beating. A spokeswoman for the hospital described the injuries as “a horrific sight, even worse than what he looks like on television!”

At a briefing shortly after the procedure , Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, chief of reconstructive and serpentine surgery indicated that Mr. Carlson should be able to return to his normal time slot, but the newspaper beating he took this week “will likely wipe that smirk off his face permanently!”

This Monday, Ron DeSantis, leading the anti-woke army against the invading forces of the evil Magic Kingdom, signed a bill giving him the power to run Disney’s special district board with appointees to the board hand-picked by him. With the power of the new bill, he now has appointed five former Nazi death camp guards to oversee the newly barbed wire theme park. You see, in Florida, freedom of speech has one condition: It must agree with Ron DeSantis. And since Disney chose to speak out last year against Benito DeSantis’ “don’t say gay” policy, they must now pay the price. So buckle up Mickey, and don’t even think about transitioning to a Minnie! There’s a new sheriff in town and there is no way he will allow you to play on Disney’s Girls Softball team!

Last year, the Clown Car Update gave you a preview of DeSantis Word, the newly renovated version of Disney World with a distinctive fascist flavor. And now that DeSantis has control, there will be new rides and innovations that he hopes will attract the White supremacist and tiki torch antisemites that reflect his vision of freedom in America. That’s right, no more Tinkerbells in DeSantis World, because this is a world that will be run by a big Goofy! And the Clown Car Update has an exclusive preview of the new attractions that White, straight, Christian Americans can begin to enjoy as soon as his Panzer tanks can clear the area:

It’s a White, White World:  No more “It’s a Small World” crap to corrupt your children with delusions of diversity. This new ride will take your and your children on tour of all the Whitest countries of the world. They will see the children of Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Iceland, and Greenland sing their now universally recognized tune “We’re the Master Race  After All!” a  song that celebrates the beauty of a world that is blonde and blue-eyed. This is one of DeSantis World’s most popular rides, but don’t let the long lines bother you. If you are White, you go right to the express line!

Slave Ships of the Caribbean:  Join the newly kidnapped people of Africa as they happily row their way on White slave galleons to their New World homes in the colonies. Join in as they happily sing shanties celebrating their joy at a new life serving on the plantations of their benevolent new owners. Leave your Critical Race Theory at the door because this is not the “1619 Project.” This is American history the way White people wrote it!

Mission to Mars: This ride is DeSantis World’s tribute to border security as the governor lures unsuspecting immigrants into a large space barge and sends them to the Red Planet. Ride along as the happy immigrants look forward to the new jobs they were promised drilling for water ice beneath the surface of the planet. This ride can be too intense for some people, so you may want to consider just joining in as a recruiter, luring unsuspecting immigrants into the spacecraft with free t-shirts that say “IT’S A COOKBOOK!”

Dino-Sue: Stand in the shadow of an incredible replica of the largest and most complete T-Rex fossil ever found. Sue was a male T-Rex who transitioned to female and as a result, became extinct. Located in the new Dead Animals Kingdom, this is the perfect way to teach your children what can happen if they want to change from their gender assigned at birth!  

As a reminder, DeSantis World wants our guests to be aware of the new rules of the park:

  • No wheelchairs, walkers, canes or other walking assistance will be permitted on the premises. We don’t want you slowing up our ambulatory guests.
  • No “woke” apparel with offensive sayings like “Black Lives Matter” or rainbow patterns promoting the LGBTQ+ agenda.
  • All women of menstruating age must present evidence of their last period. This can include a carbon-dated tampon or a Florida-approved doctor’s note that you have not had an abortion.
  • If you are a non-white guest, please use the non-white entrance at the gate to “The South African Apartheid Kingdom” at the rear of the park.

And while you are here, stay at one of our fine on-property resorts like “The Dead Dolphins” or our exclusive “White Cracker.” And save time in line by getting pre-screened for gay before you arrive. Ron DeSantis wants you to enjoy the real American experience at his new “DeSantis World,” the Whitest, straightest place on earth.

Marjorie Taylor Greene is like an attack of shingles. She’s not only painful, but extremely hard to look at. And like shingles, she could pop up at any time ruining an otherwise perfect week. So this week, like the nasty rash she is, she popped up in time to make the Clown Car Update for the third week in  row. This time, her peach tree dish of ideas developed a new theory that red and blue states should get a “divorce” because “The federal government is a monster and has become a weapon of the left against the right,” and as a result ideologies are “taught in schools that she claimed include “children having their gender changed or transitioned,” sort of like  she was transitioned from animal virus to human virus.

In any case, we at the Clown Car agree and have drawn up some divorce settlement proposals so that the separation is fair and equitable. So here is the offer from the Blue States of America to the newly formed Asylum of Red States:

Property (including, but not limited to):

The Blue States will retain: The Statue of Liberty

In return, The Red States will retain: The statue of the naked Trump

The Blue States will retain: The Constitution

In return, the Red States will retain: All existing copies of “Atlas Shrugged” and “Mein Kompf” (in the original German)

The Blue States will retain: All art museums

In return, the Red States will retain: Every velvet Elvis portrait

The Blue States will retain: Medicare

In return, the Red States will retain: All stockpiles of Ivermectin and Hydroxychloroquine

The Blue States will retain: Harvard, Yale, Princeton and MIT

In return, the Red States will retain: Trump University

The Blue States will retain: FEMA

In return, the Red States will retain: A year’s supply of sandbags

The Blue States will retain: Mt. Rushmore, The Hoover Dam, and The Lincoln Memorial

In return, the Red States will retain: Melania’s Christmas decorations

The Blue States will retain: The Golden State Bridge, The Brooklyn Bridge, and Disney Land

In return, the Red States will retain: Flint Michigan’s lead water pipes

The Blue States will retain: Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream

In return, the Red States will retain: Papa John’s Pizza and Golden Corral buffets

We know there will be a big fight for custody but the Blue States will not negotiate on Tom Hanks, Beyonce, Amy Poehler, Morgan Freeman, Tina Faye, Carol Burnette, or Robert DeNiro!

We will willingly yield custody of Brett Cavanaugh, Lauren Boebert, Donald Trump, Rosann Barr, Tucker Carlson, Donald Trump Jr, Kari Lake, Matt Gaetz, Eric Trump, Bill Cosby, and any Kardashian.

And if there is anyone who finds themselves uncomfortable remaining with a Blue States, we will provide trailer hitches for your home and Wild Turkey to ease the burden of being stupid. Oh, and here’s your three-pointed hat, there’s the door, and don’t let the Mason-Dixon line hit you in the ass on the way out!

This week we saw more balloons floating around than in  Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. The difference was we were spending over $1,000,000 each shooting them down, a trend we hope doesn’t continue into next Thanksgiving Day. One of the balloons was a Chinese spy balloon, according to President Biden this week, the others were private balloons not related to Chinese espionage.  It looks like some gender reveal parties got a real surprise by the United States Air Force.

However one flying anomaly got the attention of a certain congresswoman named Marjorie Taylor Greene. Hold on to your gazpacho because the congresswoman from Georgia declared that people are sounding alarms about countless whales and an unknown number of bird species are being killed by our wind turbines. Apparently the liberals’ obsession with clean energy has caused the deaths of the once-thought extinct flying Orcas. Apparently a huge quantity of these whales have been flying at a low altitude running into our turbine blades and being beached. Holy Jewish space lasers! Turbines are killing the flying sperm whale! Isn’t that an abortion?

This isn’t the first time the congresswoman from the Twilight Zone has expressed her concern with how liberals’ obsession with clean energy and aviation are causing suffering. In December, she discovered that Air Canada placed an order for 30 electric airplanes which made her drop her peach tree dish in shock! “How is there an electric airplane and what does that look like?” she asked. Then, to be as offensive as possible, she compared electric airplanes to slave ships.

”Remember back a long time ago when you’ve seen movies where people in those slave ships and, they’re down there and they’re rowing, and they’re being whipped to row?” “How are they gonna keep powering these electric airplanes, what are they gonna have, it’s like a spin class in a tube? Where they’ve got everybody riding spin cycles, and those mean nasty airline stewardesses that forced you to wear masks all the time on the plane…are they gonna be forcing you to like keep spinning to keep the airplane in the air?

I know some concepts are very hard for Margie, but by now you would think she has heard of batteries, like the one running very low in her head. But then again, she probably thinks “The Flintstones” is a documentary.  So, I guess we shouldn’t be surprised that the Madwoman form Milledgeville doesn’t realize that whales don’t fly and electric vehicles run on batteries. I can’t wait until she finds out how solar panels work, draining the sun’s energy until it’s burned out. She once wondered about the deep state, “They probably also want to know when you go to the bathroom, if your bowel movements are on time or consistent, what else do these people want to know?” Well, there is one thing: How the fuck did you become a member of Congress?!?!

If anyone has been wondering which congress in history had the lowest average I.Q. scores, this week’s State of the Union address has left no doubt. Yep, call in the dogs and put out the fire, because the hunt is over! The winner by a country mile is the Republican 118th. That’s right, it’s like Dogpatch, Hooterville, and Pixley all rolled into D.C. for a big tailgate party in the Congressional parking lot on Tuesday evening and it was smoked crawdads and pickled pawpaws for everyone! Or as James Carville described it, “I tell people I have the equivalent of a Ph.D. in White trashology, and we saw real White trash on display.”

Which got us at the Clown Car Update to thinking, how would a White trash reporter describe what happened on Tuesday night. Well, it goes something like this:

“Well, the highlight of the evening was the display that made The Jerry Springer Show look like a Mensa convention. Marjorie Taylor Greene was there wearing a furry boa and looking like she fell out of an ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down! She was madder than a wet hen, just screaming and hollering all night with her nose all cattywampus. And Lauren Boebert, bless her heart, wore a scowl on her face all night like she just ate a bad batch of possum shanks. And Sen. John Kennedy of Louisiana was sittin’ there hotter than a goat’s butt in a pepper patch. It was hard to do, but they gave White trash a bad name.”

“But old Joe from Scranton got the last laugh, when he turned the tables on the Republican bumpkins faster than a one-legged man in a butt kickin’ competition. First, he accused the GOP of hating on Social Security and Medicare. That got those GOP dogs so riled up that they jumped up like someone put a burr in their saddle. They were just yellin’ and screamin’ like someone just took the last helpin’ of coot cobbler! They threw such a hissy fit that Joe broke out in a big grin and said “So I guess we all agree, Social Security and Medicare are off the table!” Well Kevin McCarthy, who was sittin’ just behind old Joe, didn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his ass. But he finally got up and clapped with the rest. Joe just grinned and said “Well butter my ass and call me a biscuit, we finally agree on something!”

“And so Scranton Joe won the night with a trap he set and he left feelin’ finer than a frog’s hair split four ways. And Kevin McCarthy and the Republicans? Well, let’s just say their next two years were off like a herd of turtles!”

Well, Thursday was “Groundhog Day” and guess who popped their head up once again? Yes, you guessed it. It was Stormy Daniels and the story of Trump’s magic mushroom that was in the news. It was revealed this week that a grand jury has been impaneled to determine whether former President Donald Trump committed a crime through his alleged role in making “hush money” payments suggesting the Manhattan District Attorney may soon bring charges against the ex-president. But unlike Punxsutawney Phil, Stormy is predicting much more than six more weeks of winter. The reemergence of her case is promising many months of hilarity focused on the man with the tiny penis.

To commemorate this historic event, the Clown Car Update, in conjunction with the Philadelphia Fantasy Island Adult Book Store is proud to offer a commemorative edition of the very magazine that spanked a future president! This authentic recreation is a limited edition and is numbered 1 – 130,000 to represent the number of dollars in the hush-money agreement. Each of these gorgeous reproductions is personally signed by Stormy herself and is accompanied by a never used size extra-small condom. This is a limited time offer and like Donald’s erections, where they’re gone, they’re gone forever! So order now without delay. Customers ordering in the next half-hour will receive an advance copy of the Manhattan D.A.’s indictment of Trump ABSOLUTELY FREE!

You will be proud to display this beautiful reproduction in your home, office, or favorite roadside rest stop. But don’t take our word for it. Just listen to the testimonials from actual purchasers of this fantastic piece of history:

  • Matt Gaetz: “Stormy’s way too old for my taste, but kudos to President Trump for being able to take a licking and keep on ticking!”
  • Marjorie Taylor Greene: “I used my copy to spank Kevin McCarthy in the congressional cloak room after every failed vote for Speaker!”
  • Punxsutawney Phil: “Six more weeks of winter?!?! No! Six more months of FUN!”

So don’t delay. Porn stars are standing by to take your order! This may be your last chance to own what Stormy Daniels has described as “the quickest three seconds” in American presidential history!

If you’re the Attorney General, your caseload is growing by the minute and you are just another breaking news bulletin away from finding Don Jr. doing lines off classified documents. Finding enough FBI agents and Special Counsels to investigate can be both time consuming and frustrating. With all the classified documents, Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and Trumps hidden all over the country no wonder you spend more time finding investigators and prosecutors than doing the important work of indicting the former president. Getting qualified candidates can be harder than finding vegetables at a Mar-A-Lago buffet. But there is a solution. From the company that brought you ZipRecruiter comes ZipRecruiter, A.G. Edition to take the work out of hiring.

With these this new tool, finding qualified agents and Special Counsels is a breeze by tapping in to our database of qualified candidates.  We have candidates from all over the world from ex-KGB to rogue Secret Service Agents who can be dispatched to search for classified documents anywhere and anytime of the day or night.

Do you suspect there are classified documents in those Habitats for Humanity! We’ll have a confession out of Jimmy Carter before he drives one more nail in his walls of deceit! Have you found classified documents hidden behind George W. Bush’s ugly paintings? We’ll tear those ugly monstrosities apart and retrieve those documents faster than you can say “weapons of mass destruction!” And it will be “Mission Accomplished!” when we rip out those classified docs from Dick Cheney’s pacemaker!

So don’t waste any more of your valuable time finding the right person for the job. Let ZipRecruiter, A.G. Edition do the looking for you. Instead, spend your time holding press conferences explaining why a special persecutor is needed to search Clarence Thomas’s robes for pubic hairs or Monica Lewinsky’s blue dress for DNA. What’s that you say? Mike Pence just found more documents hidden in mother’s dildo collection?! Fear not! We are on the way!

Every Trumper in Georgia liked Herschel a lot

But most voters in Georgia who voted did not!

They didn’t like Walker’s senatorial bid

Now please don’t ask us why,

Ask one of his kids!

It could be the voters knew Herschel was dumb

It could be he couldn’t add one and one

But I think that the most likely reason of all

May have been that his brain was

Two sizes too small

But whatever the reason, his math or his brain

Seeing Herschel in congress drove Georgians insane

Staring down at their ballots at his name on the page

Threw voters in Georgia into tantrums and rage!

For they knew that the Trumpers wanted this dope

To clog up the Senate with Republican votes

“And he’s spinning his lies!” they snarled with a grin

“They think that for Christmas that Herschel will win!

Then they said to themselves without one little doubt

“We’ll vote Warnock in, and vote Herschel out!”

For most Georgians knew if Herschel won with this ruse

He’d be voting with Graham, McConnell, and Cruz!

And they’ll screech and they’ll scream and make terrible noise

All the noise, all the noise, all the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!

And they’ll scream and they’ll holler until we were deaf

About Biden’s agenda being way too far left

And they’ll scream and they’ll scream and they’ll scream, scream, scream, scream!

They would scream about laptops’

‘Till their heads swelled like yeast

Which was something Chuck Schumer

Couldn’t stand in the least!

And then there was something

Georgians liked least of all

Was how Herschel Walker

Would slither and crawl

And look at the camera

And lie to us all

He’d Lie! And He’d Lie!

And he’d lie, lie, lie, lie!

He’d lie about girlfriends, he’d lie about wives

He’d lie about children, and how he’s pro-life

Never paid for abortions, was a cop, and somehow

How a bull he once knew knocked up every cow!

He talked about werewolves, vampires, pronouns

While Graham and Cruz

Played his personal clowns

The more Georgian’s heard this Cuckoo bird sing

The more that they thought, “We must stop this whole thing!”

“Why for at least for a year we’ve put up with him now

“We must stop Herschel from winning

…..But HOW?

Then they got an idea, a terrific idea

Georgia voters got a wonderful, brilliant idea!

“We know what to do!” they said to themselves

And they pulled their car keys down from the shelves

Around all of Georgia

Their cars circled fast

Telling all Warnock voters

To get off their ass

Around the whole state they

Unfolded their plan

Pick up every voter from youngsters to grams

And give then a ride to their polling station

To save all our freedoms, to save our great nation!

They stuffed them in Chevys

And old Subarus

They stuffed them in pickups

One by one, two by two!

Then they went to the drive-in

And gave them all snacks

Pizza and soda

McMuffins, Big Macs

As they went to the polls

the caravan grew

For these Georgians, they knew

They knew what to do!

“Now we’ll all vote for Warnock!”

They said to loud cheers

And keep him in office

For another SIX YEARS!

As they all got in line, Herschel tugged at their sleeves

“Why vote for Warnock instead of for ME?!”

But the voters in line were so smart

and so slick

They gave him an answer, and gave it up quick!

“Why my little dumb snot,” voters said to the lad

“All the lights have gone out in your empty head!”

“So we’re sending you home to your nice Texas digs”

“To enjoy a great Christmas with your hundreds of kids!”

And the fib fooled poor Herschel as they patted his head

“Now go vote for Warnock, and then straight to bed!”

“And when you wake up this all will have passed”

“You can go back to Texas with your sorry ass!”

And when Hershel awoke and turned on his TV

There was Steve Kornacki on NBC

Declaring the winner

was Warnock, not he!

And what happened then…..?

Well… Georgia they say

Fox News pulled the plug

And called it a day.

And Americans thought something

They hadn’t before

Maybe Georgia isn’t so red anymore

Maybe Trumpism…perhaps…was a

Large oozing sore!”

And before Georgia voters turned off their TV’s

Kornacki left a present under their Christmas tree.

He gave his last total, just one more time

It was Dems 51, GOP 49!

Kanye West, Nazi sympathizers, Speaker of the House Marjorie Taylor Greene, Shingles! It’s all very tiring and then add to that we are facing yet another Holiday Season with Covid. So it’s time to put down that box of tangled Christmas lights, throw that Elf on a Shelf into the fireplace, pour yourself another glass of extra rum-spiked eggnog, and watch a Christmas movie. And this year, the Hallmark Channel has made some interesting movies you thought would never be made. So let’s look at our TV Guide and see some descriptions of the special holiday treats the folks at Hallmark have in store for us this December.

A Christmas Karen: It’s Christmas Eve, the busiest day of the year at Palmer’s Grocery Store and Karen is hopping mad and she wants to see the manager NOW! A black individual just took the last Butterball from the freezer and she demands that the last Butterball should go to a white person. Hilarity ensues when Karen returns to work the day after Christmas and discovers that the other customer is the CEO of her company! Happy New Year, Karen!

Christmas at Kari Lake: Kari Lake is usually a very happy place at Christmas but not this year because its namesake is not happy. Why? Well, her Christmas wish of becoming governor just met a little roadblock: the voters. When she threatens to stop all Christmas celebrations unless she is appointed governor she falls asleep on Christmas Eve and is visited by the Ghost of Elections Yet to Come who takes her to a graveyard where she is shown where her political future is buried.

The Indictment Before Christmas: In a twist on the Christmas classic by Clement C. Moore, Donald Trump is startled by a visit from Santa who slides down the chimney with a big surprise for the Orange Fraudcicle, when what to his wondering eyes should appear but Jack Smith with a criminal indictment!

Frosty the Snowman: Don Jr.’s wish comes true when Frosty the drug dealer delivers a pile of snow just in time for Christmas! He’ll never be able to fall asleep this Christmas Eve!

A Greene Christmas: Crazy Town is all excited as Marjorie Taylor Greene has been re-elected to represent them in Congress. But a mysterious letter arrives on Christmas Eve with a shocking revelation: Margie’s GED certificate is a forgery and she is way too stupid to serve!

Herschel Walker’s Sad Christmas: Everyone is excited on Christmas Eve because they know exactly what they want for Christmas. Everyone, that is, but poor Herschel. He just can’t decide, Werewolf or Vampire? All your kids will enjoy this Christmas treat, and maybe some of them are Herschel’s!

 These are just a sample of the hundreds of movies Hallmark has lined up for you to enjoy. There are many more like “Sieg Heil! Christmas,” “The Fatherland at Christmas,” and “White Supremacists Holiday.” Just check your local listings for times and channels and if they are legal in your state. Happy Holidays!