Archive for March, 2018

466

You can’t possibly handle your life as president of the United States and all the other things that come with being Donald J. Trump. Dealing with special prosecutors, Playboy Bunnies, porn stars, and women you sexually assaulted can clutter up your day. And let’s face it, you have more to worry about like North Korea, Iran, and whether your urine sample is sitting in Vladimir Putin’s vault. That’s where we come in. We are LegalSleeze.com and we will take care of all that messy legal stuff.

Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have a full range of legal services that are tailored for the president with an active sex life.  Don’t piss your time away on legal worries when we can piss it away for you. Here are some of the legal services we can provide:

  • Non-disclosure agreements: Whether you are screwing a porn star or just grabbing women by their genitals, you are going to want their silence and non-disclosure agreements are the way to go. Don’t let your sexual conquests come back to bite you on your orange ass. Our NDA’s are easy to fill out and don’t even require you to sign them or use your real name.
  • Clandestine payouts: Your non-disclosure agreement is no good without a hefty hush money payout, and at LegalSleeze.com we have the experts to guide you through the process. Whether it’s Rubles, Dollars, or simply a physical threat, we make this as easy as when you laundered all that money.  And the best part, your lawyer won’t have to get a home equity loan!
  • Shell Corporation Setup: You can make a secret payout as quietly as a hooker pissing on a mattress by setting up the payment with a shell corporation.  Paying hush-money without setting up a shell corporation is like having unprotected sex. It may feel easier at the time, but the burning sensation may come later.
  • Conspiracy Theories: Sometimes a good legal strategy isn’t what you need. That’s where a great conspiracy theory comes in. Move over Joe diGenova! “deep state” and “secret FBI cabals” have nothing on us. Try our templates for “aliens forced me to have sex”  and “the Russian hookers were FBI agents”. And they are easy to fill out. Even an illiterate who can’t spell “counsel” can complete the forms.
  • Aliases: If you absolutely have to put your name on a document, you certainly don’t want it to be your real name. John Barron, John Miller, and David Dennison are really getting old. Here at LegalSleeze.com, we have the largest inventory of fake names in the world, like Mike Littoris, Dick Hurtz, and Redd P. Ness just to name a few.

So before you spend a pile of cash on some white shoe legal firm, try our shitty boot firm first. And if things don’t work out, try our sister website, PrisonLife.com. We can prepare you for your new life working in the prison laundry with Pauly “Walnuts”. And remember, at LegalSleeze.com we are just like you, Mr. President. We’re sleezy!

465

How often has this happened to you? You’ve been indicted in Virginia and you have to wear an ankle bracelet.  Then, you get a call from your local Special Prosecutor that he has thirty-two more counts to charge you with. No problem,  you think,  because I already have my ankle bracelet. And then he drops the bomb on you.  The new charges ARE IN ANOTHER JURISDICTION! What do you do now? D.C. has one ankle bracelet and Virginia has another and neither one matches those new yellow jumpsuits. With two ankle bracelets, you will never match accessories. What color socks, what color shoes, what color cuffs? The list goes on until you don’t want to leave your house anymore even though you are not allowed to anyway.  Well, the Clown Shopping Network has great news. For the next hour, we are offering the newest fashion trend from Ivanka Trump, the Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelet Collection.

Now is your chance to serve your house arrest in style and not have to worry about accessorizing.  Each pair of Paul Manafort Ankle Bracelets is made of eighteen karat gold with only the most perfect war diamonds sold on the Russian black market. But that’s not all. These handsome matching bracelets are smart and Wi-Fi ready so you can receive all your phone, email, and text messages directly from your Russian handlers or whoever may be trying to reach you from Ukraine. And don’t worry about your cellular carrier, because these ankle bracelets are already JAILBROKEN!

The Manifort Ankle Bracelet supports all your favorite apps like Twitter so you don’t have to miss a single tweet from Donald as he describes you as a low-level coffee boy in two hundred and eighty characters. And such a comfortable fit, you will hardly know you have them on. With the easy slip-on clasp, you are buttoned up and ready for an entire day of hoping for a pardon from the president.

If you don’t believe these are the greatest ankle bracelets you will ever own, just listen to this testimonial from “Pharm Bro” Martin Shkreli who purchased these fabulous bracelets for the full retail price:

These ankle bracelets are worth every penny. if I owned this company, I would be charging you fifty times the price just like I did with life saving drugs!

If you call the Clown Shopping Network within the next fifteen minutes, we can offer these fashionable, perfectly matched ankle bracelets for the unbelievable low price of $149.95 plus court costs. And if you call now, we will throw in an additional gift, a Tiffany Trump sterling silver frame to perfectly display your indictment for all your family and friends to see. And all our Paul Manafort Limited Edition Diamond Ankle Bracelets come with our “Plea for Free Guarantee”.  If for any reason you decide to enter into a plea agreement you can return your bracelets for a full refund.  Just flip it back as easily as when you flipped when facing life in prison.

So call now. Our friendly FBI agents are standing by to take your sworn statements.  And be sure to stay tuned for our next hour when the Clown Shopping Network will be offering special savings on prison-themed accessories because as Robert Mueller says, we’re just getting started!

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The past few weeks have seen some high profile departures from the White House including Gary Cohn, Rob Porter, and possibly Melania. Reports have indicated that they are having problems filling positions, a rumor that Trump denies. But the Clown Car has learned that the White House has turned to a professional staffing company that is tailored to the president’s tastes. So welcome to Donald Trump’s “Zipper Recruiter” offering opportunities to work with the president, mostly under the table. Here are some opportunities you may be interested in:

Chief-of-the-Staff:
Primary Purpose:  To coördinate the usage of the President’s staff.
Nature of the Work: Reporting directly to the Assistant to the President for Affairs. You and will ensure that the president’s staff is ready at a moments notice in case of Stormy day. Although the president’s staff is very small, it requires constant stroking to keep it up and running.
Job Requirements: Extensive experience in using magnifying equipment and use of tweezers is essential. A degree in microbiology is helpful, but not necessary. Must have soft hands.
Salary: Tips only.

Assistant to the President for Affairs:
Primary Purpose: Arrange and supervise the president’s affairs.
Nature of the Work: Works directly with the Chief-of-the-Staff to coördinate Mr. Trump’s affairs. The job requires driving a golf cart and ensuring that no DNA evidence is left behind on the bed after the president’s visit. Must be willing to tell “white lies” to Melania and hide details of affairs from the special prosecutor.
Job Requirements: Must possess a passport for possible travel to Russia or Slovenia in the event the president requires a new wife.
Salary:  Fifty thousand Rubles per year and one case of Trump Vodka.

Ultraviolet Wand Intern
Primary Purpose:  This is a temporary one year position learning the use of an ultraviolet wand to search for DNA evidence.  Works directly with the Assistant to the President for Affairs in cleanup operations.
Job Requirements:  Must supply your own rubber gloves and breathing filters.
Salary: There is no remuneration for this position but think of the book deals!

Porn Star
Primary Purpose:  To provide sexual favors to Mr. Trump in the event the president’s wife has another child or turns forty.
Job Requirements:  Must have a large bladder and be a self-starter. Will work directly under the president in many positions, but mainly as a missionary.  May be asked to take pictures of his junk and must be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Salary:  Compensation is on a job by job basis along with a tiny tip.

Non-Disclosure Strategist
Primary Purpose:  To come up with fake names to put in non-disclosure agreements between the president and porn stars.  Past names have been Dick Redd, P.P. TIny, and Dick Hurtz.
Job Requirements:  Must be creative and be able to pay out of pocket expenses such as hush money and setting up fake shell companies. Speaking of shells, you must be a shell of a human being to work in this job.
Salary:  In-kind reimbursement, but don’t count on it.

Now that is just a sampling of the many openings now available in the Trump White House. If you don’t see anything you like, keep in mind that openings are developing every day as more and more staff are indicted. Go to Zipperrecruiter.com/PP and if you work at this White House for six months or more, you will receive guaranteed federal housing for between ten and thirty years underwritten by the Office of the Special Council. So whether you are an out of work stripper or just enjoy a golden shower now and then, do what hundreds of porn stars and Playboy Bunnies have done and check out Trump’s “Zipper”!

 

463

On Monday, the Bone-Spur-In-Chief boldly proclaimed that if he were at the Parkland school he would have ended the incident himself.  “I really believe I’d run in, even if I didn’t have a weapon,” he said, safely behind a podium a thousand miles and twelve days from the tragedy. But if we go by his history, anything from an American Eagle to a very loud Coke can have him clinging like stink to a turd. So the Clown Car submitted some questions to Captain Courageous asking what he would have done in certain famous battles in history. Here are his responses:

The Barbary Wars (1801 – 1815)

Somebody just told me that this was a war with Muslims, which I would love to have but at first I read this wrong. I thought it was Bribery Wars, which I am an expert at. Believe me! Believe me!

Battle of the Alamo (February 23 – March 6, 1836)

If I was there this battle would have never happened because I never use Alamo rental cars anyway.  I have my own limo and it’s the biggest limo ever. Also, the Mexicans would never have won if my wall was there so Congress should do the right thing and build the wall. Also, Commander David Bowie would still be alive making hit records.

Battle of Hampton Roads (March 8–9, 1862)

If the roads in the Hamptons are that bad, they should pass my infrastructure bill right away.

Battle of Little Big Horn (June 25–26, 1876)

The same Indians who ambushed Gen. Custer ambushed me in 1993 when they pushed into my casino business. I lost like Custer and now everywhere you go there is a Mohegan Sun and they call me Little Tiny Horn. Ask Melania, that is not true and I think I will sue them as soon as I settle this Russian hoax.

Wounded Knee Massacre (December 29, 1890)

A wounded knee prevented me from serving in Vietnam…oh, and a bone spur! But If I went, I would have won the war all by myself and would never have been captured like John You-Know-Who who took away your great health care.

Battle of San Juan Hill (1 July 1898)

This was in the Spanish American War and that would have never happened if I was president because I would have kicked out all the Spanish before they started trouble. Build the wall!

Dolittle Raid (April 18, 1942)

Everyone knows that this was an air raid on Tokyo, but if I was there I would have followed orders and like the name says I would do little, just like I did in Vietnam.

Invasion of Normandy (June 6, 1944)

If I was there, I would have been the first to land, believe me! While everyone was going to Utah Beach or Omaha Beach I would have been in Miami Beach avoiding syphilis and gonorrhea like a brave soldier. I would have won all the medals and ribbons and got laid a lot.

Battle of the Buldge (16 December 1944 – 25 January 1945)

I would have been the best general in this battle because it was on the Western Front and honestly, I fight this battle every day because of my front. But my doctor says I am the fittest president ever and I have the biggest bulge where it counts. Believe me! Believe me!

Tet Offensive (January 30, 1968)

I love big tets and I would have been all over them them. If you don’t believe me, ask Stormy Daniels!

Battle of Hamburger Hill (May 10–20, 1969)

I eat a hamburger hill with large fries every night while I watch Fox News so this one I could handle alone!  And when I was finished it would be renamed it Big Mac Hill after the great American Gen. Ronald Macarthur.

It should be noted that for his imaginary bravery in the face of fake danger, Andy Borowitz reported in The New Yorker on Monday’s “The Borowitz Report” that,

Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.

Also, Trump has been awarded The Russian Federation Golden Shower of Valor, The Extra-Marital Affairs Award, The Purple Penis, and very soon will be given the Robert Mueller Major Indictment Recommendation. That one is for real!