Archive for December, 2015

Since it’s the first Tim Corrimal Show of the 2016, I thought I would offer eight predictions for 2016.  It will be interesting to look back this December and see how many come true!

  1. Donald Trump will be nominated by the GOP at their July convention after a crushing primary battle.  Then, during his address to the convention he will shock the political world by withdrawing his nomination revealing that he has a serious health issue. Addressing the convention, Trump will be quoted as saying, “I am sorry to inform my tremendous supporters that doctors have discovered that I have head lice, which in my case are beautiful head lice, but just the same, can be fatal given my luxurious flowing hair .”  The convention will be suspended to give delegates time to return to their hotel rooms and shower.
  2. After the shocker at July’s GOP convention, the republicans will nominate Ted Cruz who will lose in a landslide after revelations that the paisley rob he reportedly wore in college while roaming through the women’s dorm was not a robe at all, but a full body tattoo.
  3. John McCain, in publishing his memoir, will reveal that the pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate occurred while he and his staff were under the influence of LSD.  “It was that bad brown acid again. We had a very bad experience,” McCain will be quoted as saying. The incident will be credited for Bristol Palin naming her first child “Tripp”.
  4. In more Palin news, Bristol Palin will announce she is pregnant once again, this time with twins.  The abstinence advocate will defend herself against charges of hypocrisy by blaming her pregnancy on President Obama. “If Obama never did that ‘Cash for Clunkers’ thing, my boyfriend would never be able to afford a van with a mattress!” Bristol will name the twins “Smith” and “Wesson”.
  5. After a failed run for the presidency, Lindsey Graham will resign from the senate and join the cast in the next season of  “American Horror Story entitled “American Horror Story: Terror, Terror, Everywhere”. He will have a recurring role as a ghostly figure who continually warns the other characters of impending doom, and then feints.
  6. Gas prices will drop below $2.00 a gallon and will become a election issue for republicans. They will blame President Obama for increased traffic tie-ups and fatalities involving potential GOP voters.
  7. After a disastrous 2015, the Benghazi committee will reorganize and refocus its investigation. Chairman Trey Gowdy will announce that subpoenas are being prepared for whoever is the democratic presidential candidate for 2020.
  8. And finally, Louie Gohmert will say something really stupid in 2016. I know what you are all thinking, but I had to have at least one prediction that I’m certain will verify by December!

Some of you may be thinking that some of these predictions are a bit far fetched, but think about it. Are they really any more bizarre than what we actually witnessed in 2015?

 

On Episode 366 of The Tim Corrimal Show, I decimate one more Holiday classic just for the fun of irritating people like Bill O’Reilly:

DEAR EDITOR: I am 8 years old.
Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus.
Papa says, ‘If you see it on Fox News it’s so.’
Please tell me the truth; is there a Santa Claus?

VIRGINIA O’HANLON.
115 WEST NINETY-FIFTH STREET.

VIRGINIA, your little friends are wrong. They are the children of liberals. They are waging a War on Christmas. They have been affected by something known as “public education”. They do not believe except in fact-based evidence.  They think that nothing can be which is not verifiable by their socialist little minds. All liberal minds, Virginia, whether they be men’s or children’s, are evil. In this great universe of ours liberals are mere insects, ants, in their intellect, as compared with the dangerous world around them as measured by  intelligent conservatives capable of grasping the real threat to our white, Christian country.

Yes, VIRGINIA, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as Ebola, Benghazi, and Obama’s plot to take away our guns exist.  And you know that they abound and give to your life its highest anxiety level possible.  Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Megyn Kelleys.  There would be no greed, no offshore accounts, no white privilege to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except reminiscing about Ronald Reagan. The eternal light with which free markets fill the world would be extinguished.

Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe that Obama is a Muslim! You might get your papa to hire men with assault weapons to watch our southern borders on Christmas Eve to protect Santa Claus from Mexicans, but even if they did not see Santa Claus , what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither liberals nor fact checkers can see. Did you ever see Muslims celebrating on 9/11 in New Jersey? Of course not, but that’s no proof that they are not there. No liberal can conceive or imagine all the terrorists there are unseen and unseeable in the world except on Fox News.

You may look inside Bill O’Reilly’s head and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world of right wing hysteria which not the most intelligent liberal,  nor even the united intelligence of all the liberals that ever lived, could see. Only blind faith, demagoguery, xenophobia, bigotry, and misogyny can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernatural beauty of the Fox News Alternate Universe. Is it all real? Ah, VIRGINIA, in all this world there is nothing else more real and abiding.

No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives, and he lives forever, just like all those lies we tell to get people to vote republican. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay, ten times ten thousand years from now, he will and we will be here to continue to make stuff up and put fear in everyone’s hearts!

This week on episode 365 of the Tim Corrimal Show,  the Three Islamophobic Stooges are back, and they are wackier than ever! I am, of course, referring to Louie “Larry” Gohmert, Steve “Curly Joe” King, and their sadistic and abusive ringleader, Donald “Moe” Trump.  This week the were in full slap-stick splendor with an array of sight gags and idiotic utterances that make the original Stooges seem like Steven Hawking.

To kick off our Stooges feature we have Mr. Trump,  the leader of the republican party and boss of all the stooges.  On Monday, he issued his plan for ending the threat of terrorism in the United States, and it was as insane as it was “Trumpian”  He called for a “total and complete shutdown” of Muslims entering the U.S.“until our country’s representatives can figure out what is going on.”  He went on to say :

It is obvious to anybody the hatred [among Muslims] is beyond comprehension.  Where this hatred comes from and why, we will have to determine.

Let me help you out, Mr. Trump, with where the hatred comes from.  It comes from narcissistic American billionaires with bad comb-overs blaming an entire religion for the actions of a handful of psychopaths. It comes from bloviating reality TV stars thinking that ignorance is a virtue.  It comes from right wing nuts who value their guns over their children.  And it comes from Stooges like you who hand the terrorist the very thing they want; your bigoted intolerance.

But what is a Stooges’ show without the supporting cast?  Piling on the hypocrisy of their ringleader,  Louie Gohmert,  of Texas and Steve King of Iowa, eye-poked, slapped and hair-pulled their way into the mayhem.   Louie offered this analysis of just what the terrorists are up to, and threw in an Obama plot.  You see, the Administration is deliberately depositing terrorists in the mid-west as an excuse to take away our guns.  That’s right, it’s all a left wing plot to stop law abiding Christians from owning an AR-15 like Jesus intended. It’s all in the Second Commandment. Or was that the Second Amendment?  Who knows with Louie.  This is the same stooge that, in defense of the Alaska oil pipeline, said his only concern was for the poor Caribou. You see, he said, “So when they [the Caribou] want to go on a date, they invite each other to head over to the pipeline.”  Fossil fuel, the Caribou’s aphrodisiac!

Then, Steve King, Iowa’s whoopee cushion, slapped and eye-poked his  fellow congressman, Keith Ellison.  On “All In with Chris Hayes”, King claimed Ellison, who is Muslim,  was not loyal to the United States.  According to King,  he would not renounce Sharia Law.  Ellison later in the show pointed out that not only is he a loyal American, but had a son serving active duty in the military.  But that never impresses a Stooge.  All they know do is poke you in the eye and walk away with a “yuk-yuk”.

If you are looking for a reason for all this slapstick mayhem you saw this week, maybe the best explanation comes from Dr Seuss.  Paraphrasing a passage from his Christmas classic, “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” may have the answer.

The Trump hated Muslims! The whole Islam religion!

Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his head was skewed to far to the right.

It could be, perhaps, that his wig was too tight.

But I think the most likely reason of all,

May have been that his brain was ten sizes too small.

Whatever the reason, his wig or his brain,

He stood there on Monday, hating them just the same.

This week on Episode 364 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car Update features a very strange endorsement.  Last week the New Hampshire Union Leader was expected to endorse the juggernaut of the GOP presidential race, the man who has been leading in the polls the entire political season, the person who has been dominating the GOP primary process from the day he announced his candidacy.  Except they didn’t.  Instead, the chose to endorse Chris Christie, who in the latest Real Clear Politics average of national polls is garnering a whopping 2.7% among Republican voters,  just ahead of George Pataki and genital warts.

On Sunday,  the paper’s editor,  Joe McQuaid went on meet the press to justify his decision.  It went badly.  As John Amato at Crooks and Liars pointed out,  the justification for the report was simply ridiculous.   When asked about the scandal ridden governor and Bridgegate, McQuaid defended his decision by saying  “… I don’t think they’re going to lay a glove on Christie”.   So there we have maybe the lowest bar for electing someone to the presidency in modern history: “Vote for Christie, he won’t be indicted!”. It really makes for a great bumper sticker,  don’t you think?

Maybe this will be a turning point in the GOP primary,  when the candidates,  who already seemed to be aiming quite low may be able to lower expectations even more.  So, I imagine we will be seeing new slogans appear on the bumpers of pick-up trucks and gun racks.  Here are some that I imagine will be coming out soon:

 

  • “Ted Cruz: He’s not as crazy as his father!”
  • “Mike Huckabee:  The president for the rapture!”
  • “Marco Rubio:  Don’t Worry, the White House Doesn’t Come With a Credit Card”
  • “Donald Trump: Never Insulted Aborigines”
  • “Jeb Bush: He’s a Fixer-Upper”
  • “Ben Carson: Never shot in a Popeye’s organization!”
  • “Carly Fiorina: ISIS? Did You See What She Did To Hewlett Packard!”
  • “Jim Gilmore: If they don’t know who I am, they can’t attack you!”
  • “Lindsey Graham: His feinting is under control”
  • “John Kasich: He’s crazy,  but he hides it well”
  • “George Pataki: Pacing himself”
  • “Rand Paul: Well, He’s not Ron Paul!”
  • “Rick Santorum: Pennsylvania Survived Him!”

Now, I doubt we will be seeing many of these, but given the new standards for endorsing candidates, I don’t think they are out of the question.  But there is one in the works on the Democratic side that will surly be on bumpers very soon, and it goes like this:

VOTE FOR DEMOCRATS: THEY’RE TREMENDOUS!