Archive for April, 2019

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You’ve spent the last two years of your life working in the White House known in Mexico as Casa Loco. Then came the Mueller Report and everyone, including you, are looking for new career opportunities and “exit” signs. But as you prepare your resumes, start deleting text message and emails, and crushing your hard drive, there is one detail you may have forgotten about.  For years you have been exposed to the odor of criminal conspiracy, Big Macs, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Taco Bell, and Golden Showers.  Yes, my friend, you stink! You stink like, well, Trump! So now what do you do? You certainly can’t go out in the world with the stench of Trump all over you. Well, the Clown Car Update has the perfect solution to your problem: Trump Off.”  With Trump Off, you will completely purge the smell of your time in the Trump White House in one easy step. And it comes in a non-clog spray bottle that is recyclable, just like presidents.

So how does Trump Off work? Well, first you lock yourself naked in an airtight room and have someone you trust completely cover your body with Trump Off. Then scream “NO COLLUSION” and “NO OBSTRUCTION” for five to ten minutes while the ingredients in Trump Off melt away the Trump stench and stains off your body. Then simply rinse yourself off in the shower and watch all that Trump stink and the last pieces of your career go down the drain. It removes hamburder smell, urine and mushroom stains, and fried chicken grease. And the best part, Trump Off leaves no orange residue. And for extra difficult cases, there is Trump Off Heavy Duty.

But don’t take our word for it, just listen to these testimonials from real Trump Off users:

I was the White House counsel and for two years I went home after work smelling like a fast food dumpster. Even my wife start calling me Egg McMuffin. I thought I would never get the stink off until a friend in the Mueller office suggested Trump Off and just like that my wife was letting me sleep inside again. Thanks Trump Off! … Don McGahn

Thankfully, one of the investigators from the Southern District of New York told me I stunk just like “Individual 1.”  I’m going to prison soon and was worried what the other inmates would do to me with the Trump stench all over me. But thanks to Trump Off  I have nothing to worry about except that creepy guy in Block 4 with the ostrich skin jump suit… Michael Cohen

I really had a problem. Not only did I work in the Trump White House, but before that, I worked with the guy on The Apprentice! My Trump Stench was really baked in so I had to use Trump Off Heavy Duty. But with just one application I was welcome on all the cable shows again as if I never had anything to do with the slob. I even got to write a book about him! Thanks, Trump Off! … Omarosa Manigault

So don’t let your reputation be stained forever with the stench of having served in the fat folds of the Trump regime. Even with your witness protection agreement, you will be a pariah with that Trump smell all over you. And if someone close to you has the Trump stench all over them, show them you love them with a gift can of Trump Off. They will thank you someday. Are you listening, George Conway?

 

513

Well, Spring is here and along with Spring comes some annual traditions. Whether it’s the Jewish commemoration of Passover, the Christian observance of Easter, or just the joy of Tulips blooming in the garden, Spring is a time of renewal. And one of the enduring traditions of the season is the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. But this year the event has been placed in the hands of presidential advisor and “Man Without a Reich,” Stephen Miller. This year, Mr. Miller has decided on a theme of “Kids from Norway” and sent invitations to only blond, blue-eyed descendants of Norweigan immigrants.  That’s right, no kids from shit-hole countries this year! Just the refreshing glow of blond white children on the green White House lawn.

This year Mr. Miller has scheduled three egg rolling events for the children to enjoy. Here are the scheduled events for White House Easter Egg Roll 2019:

The Mueller Report Redaction Egg Roll: In this contest, two teams of children are each given a basket of color-coded eggs. In front of them is a copy of the Mueller Report laid out on the lawn. The object of the game is to roll the eggs over anything that may implicate the president in a crime or make him look bad. When only the words “and” and “the” remain the team wins! The winning team gets appointed the head of the Criminal Division of the Department of Justice. Well, just acting.

The Build the Wall Egg Roll Competition: In this event, two teams of Norweigan kids are each given a pallet of bricks at the bottom of a big hill. On top of the hill are staffers with barrels full of brown colored eggs. The staffers represent the three Mexican countries sending caravans to the border to kill everyone in the United States. As the barrels are emptied, the children must quickly use the bricks to build a wall before the caravan of eggs reach the bottom of the hill. The kids who manage to stop the greatest number of brown eggs win a scholarship to a Betsy DeVos white-only charter school.

The Sanctuary City Migrant Egg Roll: This is Stephen Miller’s favorite event of the year. Two teams of Norweigan children are given a pile of eggs representing asylum seekers. In front of the kids are three holes marked San Fransisco, Chicago, and New York. The object of the game is to load the eggs into wheelbarrows and transport them to one of the sanctuary city holes. The team to transport the most asylum seeking eggs into the holes win the contest. Extra credit is given for eggs deposited in San Francisco. The winning team receives a Nancy Pelosi piƱata,  a DVD of “Birth of a Nation”, and a White House dinner of junk food and cigars. Good luck kids!

Yes, this year the annual Easter Egg Roll will really live up to its name: A White House Easter Egg Roll. And the best part is that it was all organized by Stephen Miller, the most rotten egg of them all!

 

 

512

Are you planning to join the beautiful and exclusive club at Donald J. Trump’s Mar-A-Lago? Are you new to the wealthy-ass class and unsure of what to take on your first visit to the swamp people of Trump’s universe? Well, relax because the Clown Car Update has made your first-visit planning easy with a stress-reducing solution: The MAGA Swag Bag. With the Mag-Bag Swag Bag, you will never be caught unprepared like a Chinese spy.  Here’s what our Mag Bag Swag Bag includes:

  • Orange tanning cream – Don’t just visit the president, look just as ridiculous as he does with the glow of a person with a severe case of hepatitis. Eyecups included!
  • A black light – You’ve heard the rumors, you’ve read the Steele Dossier so you can never be too careful. This black light will reveal any stains on your bedding and is essential if you are in the presidential suite.
  • Rubber sheets – Just in case the black light shows something awful!
  • Baby wipes – Yep, kissing Trump’s ass is mandatory, so keep your brown nose fresh, clean, and shart-free!
  • Golf scoring card – Of course, with you as the loser.
  • Don Jr. Super Hold Hair Gel – Whether you are killing innocent wildlife or just lying around being a big jerk, you want to be sure your hair looks just like you just left the Jiffy-Lube!
  • Oranges – Because you never want to forget where you came from, you know, your oringes!
  • Non-stick toilet paper – There are few things more embarrassing than boarding Air Force One with the remnants of your last deuce on your shoe.
  • Self-folding umbrellas – They’re complicated, let us do it for you.
  • Rolled up Forbes magazine – You were a naughty one, now you get a spanking!
  • DVD of Shark Week – Always a must when you are getting a good spanking.
  • $10,000 in cash for hush money – With all the spanking going on, it’s always handy to have the hush money ready and at hand!
  • Eric Trump bobblehead – This one is a bit scary because it is indistinguishable from the real Eric.
  • Big Mac air freshener – For the Presidential Suite experience.
  • Pre-printed NDA’s – What happens at Mar-A-Lago stays at Mar-A-Lago!

Just order online and for the less of the cost of porn-star hush money, you can go on your first Mar-A-Lago adventure stress-free! And if you order in the next thirty days, we will include the Willam Barr Cover-Up Kit absolutely free. The kit comes with color-coded redaction pens, black sharpies, and ass kissing gel. So order your MAGA Swag Bag today because just like our President, it’s full of shit!

*Thanks to Kenny Pick for the initial idea for this Clown Car*