Archive for March, 2021

If you are a Republican, the election of 2020 has been a real downer. That orange block of rotting Egg McMuffin stuffed into a suit lost the presidential race bigly! And with a fake pandemic, storming the Capitol, and all those QAnon clues to figure out, you just need a break. Well relief is on the way with the new video game from Hasbeen Toys, Stop-the-Vote. Here how it is played:

  • Level One: You are the Republican warriors who have to protect the sacred Ballot Box at the top of the hill. Your opponents, voters, mostly Democrats of color, charge up the hill. As they advance, the object of the game is to stop the Democrats from reaching the voting booth where the Ballot Box is hidden. Your first weapon is a voter ID cannon that knocks the Democrats off the voting hill thus disqualifying them. For every Democrat you prevent from getting to the Ballot Box you are awarded one Trump endorsement. When you collect ten Trump endorsements you advance to Level Two.
  • Level Two: A more powerful opponent, Stacy Abrams, is now threatening to charge up the hill with a larger mob of newly registered voters. You will need more than the Voter ID Cannon and Trump Steak Catapult to stop her. At Level Two you can add an ally to help, so you add Postmaster Louis DeJoy to your team. As the new voters try to mail their ballots to the Ballot Box at the top of the hill, you use DeJoy to blow up as many mail boxes as you can. For every mail box destroyed, you get one Golden Trump Statue. Once you collect 100 Trump Statues, you proceed to Level Three.
  • Level Three: This is the top level and it’s Armageddon! Your enemies are more powerful than ever as they are armed with a Democratic doomsday machine called the HR1! Armed with the HR1, Democrats can expand the number of voters to overwhelm Republican defenses. In addition, the HR1 prevents your Republican friends from drawing squiggly lines all over the state to insure no one but you can win there. So at Level Three your defenses add the Bullshit Armada. Made up of all the Republicans of the House and Senate, the Bullshit Armada will shoot bullshit all over the place to prevent the use of the HR1. The Armada is headed by Admiral McConnell nicknamed “Dr. No Chin!” He can spray bullshit all over the place and if that doesn’t work, he will launch the Filibuster torpedo! But wait! The Democrats surprise McConnell with the Filibuster Buster Anti-Filibuster Torpedo and after a huge explosion, millions of voters armed with the HR1 reach the Ballot Box while the Republican forces are showered in their own bullshit! GAME OVER!

    The moral of this game is this: If the Republicans think they can win by preventing people from voting, eventually most voters will realize they are just a stinking bullshit party!

The Mitch in the Ditch by NOT Dr. Seuss

It was a sunny new day when the new prez came in
He gave us new stimulus checks to begin
He gave us vaccines, he gave us our schools
He gave us our jobs back, he gave us the tools

But the Mitch in the Ditch, he did not like this at all
The Mitch in the Ditch he came straight from hell
The Mitch slid around in a filthy old ditch
The Mitch in the Ditch smelled like dead, dead, old fish!

“I will stop this new prez!” Mitch declared with a scowl
“I will scream bloody murder and howl and howl,
“I will stop all the bills, I will rumble and bluster,”
Then Mitch In the Ditch, who was an old old ball buster
Said, “I’ll stop you with this, my trusty Fill-Buster!”

The young dems in D.C. did not know what to think
They asked the new prez, “Why all the Mitch stink!”
“Why all the kick-kicking, why all the flus-fluster?”
“And what is this odd thing he calls a ‘Fill-Buster!?”

The new prez told them, “He’s just cranky and old!”
“He’s been let go from his job and left out in the cold!”
“And his wife lost her job, too. So she’s so sad and so blue,”
“‘Cause she spends much more time in the ditch with Mitch too!”

But the prez had a plan to get his bills passed,
And give Mitch in the Ditch a kick in the ass!
“We’ll just play along with his game for a while,”
“We’ll just play along,” prez said with a smile.

“Then when Mitch and his crew think they blocked all the bills,
When the Mitch in the Ditch thinks he’s king of the Hill,”
“We’ll sneak into his office and go to his desk,
“We’ll unlock the drawers of this Ditchy ditch pest,”
“And we’ll take back control, and steal back his luster,”
“Why, we’ll leave his dark office with his stupid Fill-Buster!”

The prez looked at the young Dems with a little sly smile.
They liked what they saw, they liked his sly style!
“Then what will you do with it?”, they all asked on the edge of their seats!
“Why we’ll take that Fill-Buster and make it ground meat!”

“We’ll drag it around on that big Senate floor,
“Then we’ll sweep up the bits and ‘swoosh’ out the door!”
“Well what,” the Dems wondered, “would Mitch in the Ditch do?”
“Oh he’ll trumpet and kick, he’ll jump up and pout,’
“He’ll take to the floor of the Senate and shout'”
“He’ll shout, shout, shout, shout “till he’s all shouted out,”

“He’ll threaten the villages, he’ll threaten the towns,”
“He’ll threaten to burn the whole Senate down!”
“Mitch in the Ditch will scream ‘phooey” and ‘heck'”
“He’ll threaten my dogs and a one-hundred car wreck!”

“But in the end, he’ll do what all Trumpets do,”
“Just slink back into his ditch with his whole motley crew!”
The Dems, all excited, asked prez, “Then what’s next?”
“We’ll pass bills for voting, we’ll pass bills for bridges,”
“We’ll pass bills for people to make living wages!”

“We’ll pass bills for Dreamers who want to stay,”
“We’ll pass bills that make life much better that way!”
And the Mitch in the Ditch, what happened to him is no mystery,
He forever will slink in the slime ditch of history!

It was an ugly week in journalism as the media relentlessly attacked one of the most loyal and trustworthy members of the new administration. We speak of course of Major Biden. Let’s not beat around the bush but rather lift our legs and piss right on it. The allegations leveled at Major were the ugliest example of speciesism ever experienced in the history of the presidency. What is speciesism? Well the dictionary defines it as “the assumption of human superiority leading to the exploitation of animals.” Human superiority? Huh! That’s a joke. Just who is scooping up whose shit? But we digress. This week, accused without any evidence, Major Biden was exiled to Delaware for alleged aggressive behavior at the White House. This is pure and simple species paw-secution! So as a paw-blic service, and to set the record straight we have agreed to issue the following statement from Major Biden:

This week, it was reported that I, Major Biden, displayed “aggressive” behavior in the White House. Further, it was alleged that there was a biting incident involving me and a member of the security staff. This is fake news. Ever since I arrived at the White House, me and my brother Champ have been the subject of biting criticism. This latest hoax is just an example of how desperate the Republican party has become to smear the pup-putations of President Biden’s closest allies. Let me set the record straight. I am a dog. Someone forgot to send me the memo that when I move into the White House there would be guys in suits with guns around Joe. And it would have been nice if the guy had his security badge where I could chew it! Enough said. And about the aggression, there was this guy was constantly knocking over my feeding bowl. Hell, the last guy who lived here would bite somebody if his McDonald’s order was late! Gimme a break!

And about the “disheveled” comments thrown at my brother Champ. Well, a note to Newsmax: Have you taken a look at the orange guy you call your leader? His hair looks like a sick badger crawled up the ass of a dead skunk then threw up a dead mouse. And that was on a good day! My brother Champ has been through a lot and is very old. To quote Maria Barkaromo, give him a break! And by the way, the latest ABC-ASPCA Poll says that Champ has a 90% approval rating which is 89% higher than Mitch McConnell. And Champ definitely smells a lot better.

Look, Major and Champ never put children in cages. We never grabbed pussycats. We never colluded with Russians. We never obstructed justice, even when we were hauled from the White House in crates. And we never were part of one single super-spreader event. So throw us a bone here, OK? If there is any fairness, both Champ and I will be allowed back into our rightful position for which we were In-dog-urated on January 20th. This miscarriage of justice must be overturned so we can return to the Rose Garden and dig up the stuff we buried there. I would like to thank our fans for all the cards, letters, and Milkbones we have received. And a special thanks to Sarah McLachlan and Eric McCormick for your continued sad commercials. We hope to see you back at the White House soon. I have to go now and take this call from Oprah!

It’s been a long year of quarantine, masks, social distancing, and Zoom calls. And the second most prevalent condition next to COVID-19 is becoming Cabin Fever. We all know the symptoms. That look in your dog’s eye like he wants to eat you. The fear that the couch is starting to suck you into another dimension. The way your spouse holds that kitchen knife with that look in their eye. And yes, we are all getting tired of sourdough bread and Netflix. But help is on the way because TEXAS IS OPEN!

That’s right, Governor Abbott and the Texas Travel Bureau want you to know that Texas is 100% open for business and there no restrictions on the fun you can have in the Lone Star State! Come to Texas where hospitality and Coronavirus abounds. That right, we are full of it, just like our governor. Our bars are full, our restaurants are packed, and our masks are off! You can cough, sneeze, and spittle to your heart’s content while enjoying a mask-free experience free of regulation and safe drinking water.

Come to completely unregulated Texas where anything goes, including the power grid. But don’t let negativity hold you back from the vacation of a lifetime, or maybe your final vacation. Here in Texas, we honor the spirit of the Alamo every day where every single man died. And as our former governor Rick Perry says, Texans rather die than be without indoor dining or have government-regulated running water. Texas may not have a dependable power grid or the greatest indoor plumbing, but one thing is for sure, we will always be first in hospitality and the newest wave of Coronavirus. Texas is 268,820 square miles of chock -full of COVID protein spikes. It’s bigger than England. It’s bigger than Germany. It’s bigger than France. And it’s killed more people with the virus than all those countries combined!

So come to Texas where we went from the Lone Star to the Death Star! As our friend Tom Bodett says, “We’ll leave the light on for ya (unless the power grid fails and then you’ll need a flashlight and maybe your own bottled water).”

Disclaimer: Texas is not responsible for deaths due to contracting COVID-19, hypothermia, or dehydration. While traveling in Texas you may be asked to report any companions who may have died during the trip. You should not come to Texas if you require constant access to electricity, water, ICUs, or a government that gives a fuck. Do not enter Texas if you are pregnant or may become pregnant because our hospitals are full. Texas isn’t for everyone, especially those who like heat in cold weather. If you cannot afford a trip to Texas, sorry, we can’t help you. Piss off.

How time flies when you are dreading something and there is nothing more dreadful than the annual QPAC gathering. It seems like only yesterday that this band of right-wing loons gathered somewhere else other than at Marjorie Taylor Green’s office. But here we are, ready for the 2021 Matt Schlapp-in-the-face. Now, for those listening to this podcast who may not be familiar with QPAC it is an acronym for Qanon Pricks, Assholes, and Criminals. Yes, they are all there and ready to share with America their vision for ’21. That’s 1821. And, since it is highly unlikely that you have ever been to one of these hate-fests, here is a sample of the itinerary for this year’s event:

Nazi Salute Workshop: To be held in the “Pat Buchanan Auditorium.” Instructors Laura Ingraham and Josh Hawley demonstrate the proper way to salute the former president when he enters the building. Ms. Ingraham re-lives her famous Nazi salute from the RNC and Josh Hawley instructs how to incorporate a fist to the Nazi salute to encourage an insurrection.

Conspiracy Theory 101: To be held in Ballroom Q. Qanon Shaman Jacob Chansley presents a beginner’s course on how to develop conspiracy theories. Lesson One illustrates how the names of certain historical figures foretold the coming liberal takeover of our country and how to recognize the clues. FDR was code for For Death to Republicans, JFK was code for Jail For the Klan, and MLK was code for Most Likely a Killer. Mr. Chansley will enlighten you on how to recognize conspiracy in names and properly wear a buffalo headdress. An organic food buffet will follow.

Religious Freedom and the Gay Agenda’s Wedding Cake Tyranny: To be held in the newly renamed “Marjorie Taylor Green” room (Formerly the “Mike Pence” room). Bakers from around the country teach how to turn down gay couples seeking wedding cakes with lame excuses like “Sorry, we just ran out of flour,” or “All we have left is sourdough,” or “Our cake guy just came down with COVID.” These and other valuable excuses will help you avoid expensive litigation and confronting the fact that you are a raging homophobe.

White Supremacy Fashion Do’s and Don’ts: To be held in Ballroom 3-K. Avoid the fashion faux pas that can turn your next attempted insurrection into a Facebook fashion embarrassment. Subjects include “Can you wear camo white after Labor Day?” and “Proper Headdress Horn Care.” Also, how to get urine and feces stains out of your hood and robe. Don’t get caught in this year’s Capitol riot in carrying last year’s zip ties. And check out our new Mother and Son matching combat gear for those special Mother’s Day gift ideas.

Creating Alternate Realities: To be held off-site in Disney World’s Fantasyland. Guide Ron Johnson takes us on a ride of unbelievable 3D adventure where leftist provocateurs dressed as Trump supporters attack our Capitol as innocent white supremacists look on with horror. Tucker Carlson narrates the action. Buckle in for a ride with Antifa thugs dressed as Oathkeepers smashing Capitol Police with fake Trump flag poles while Black Lives Matter hoodlums parade Confederate flags under the Capitol dome. After the ride, Ron Johnson pretends to be Peter Pan and flies away as Gym Jordon yells “I saw NOTHING!”

So tune in this weekend for Qanon Pricks, Assholes, and Criminals. Don’t miss one minute of the action so you can stay informed with the latest misinformation and lunacy the right has to offer. Don’t be Q-less because when it comes to the 2021 right-wing lunacy, THE BEST IS YET TO COME!