Archive for May, 2021

This week, President Biden called on the intelligence community to issue a definitive report on whether or not the plague that has disrupted life in America for months originated in a secret lab. Biden has asked his Director of National Intelligence for a more rigorous effort to uncover the plagues origin. At the same time, the G.O.P. is facing mounting criticism for early denials that the virus escaped from one of its labs in Florida. In a statement, the president said, “we want the world to know definitively where Marjorie Taylor Greene came from.”

It has been suspected for years that the G.O.P. have been conducting experiments at its research lab in Mar-A-Lago to develop a biological weapon capable of irritating everyone it comes in contact with. It is believed that former experiments have resulted in the development of such past pestilence as Marco Rubio, Rick Scott, Ron DeSantis, and prom king Matt Gaetz. However, the seriousness of the what has become known as the MTG-21 out-break has prompted demands from all corners of the world for answers as to her origins.

It was first speculated that MTG-21 was the product of a Georgia wet market or small farm barn manure, thus causing an animal to human transfer. Many scientist believe that a so-called spillover event, like occurred daily in Donald Trump’s toilet remains the most plausible explanation for her development. But the cause is still uncertain.

One of the earliest victims of the MTG-21 was David Hogg, a gun control advocate and survivor of the Parkland shooting. “She came out of nowhere, like that green slime you see in some of the Si-Fi movies. The thing is that ones it gloms onto you, it’s hard to shake. She followed me around like stink on a turd.” Hogg, fortunately, has fully recovered from his experience, although he says he still he has nightmares of that voice he described like “a dying pterodactyl!”

U.S. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was a victim of this latest G.O.P. virus and she says, “it is a hot mess!” According to AOC, she believes she contracted the bug through the mail slot on her office door. “After that, I couldn’t shake it! Everywhere I went MTG-21 was just everywhere.” “The worst of it,” AOC continued “was the constant ringing in my ears. The sound of her voice was like listening to a rabid Hyena!”

No matter what the origin of Marjorie Taylor Greene, this much we know: You do not want to catch this one anywhere near you or your loved-ones. Humans should avoid contact with her at all cost. The CDC recommends a social distance of a ten-foot pole from her, wearing ear protection, and above all, if you do contract MTG-19, seek the help of a professional, preferably an exorcist.

This week it was revealed that Joe Biden uses VENMO, the same app Matt Gaetz used to pay underage girls for sex. OH NOES! But before you get your wig in a knot, Joe was not using it for sex. He was sending money to his grandchildren. However, what was soon revealed was how easily one can access the private messages of anyone using VENMO, as Buzzfeed reported. Which started us at the Clown Car Update to thinking, maybe we can access a few accounts of some of the Trump Cult and see what they were up to. And VOILA! We found some and here they are:

Marjorie Taylor Green:

  • $50.00 to “Witch’s Brew” for “Crazy Potion.” An additional $10.00 for the Extra-Crazy.
  • $100.00 for special scope to see into AOC’s mail slot.
  • $300.00 for gym membership in the “Polyamorous Fitness Club” for group sex classes.
  • $85.00 for a Nancy Pelosi doll with extra long needles.
  • $25.00 for a Donald Trump dildo with note “redundant.”

Matt Gaetz:

  • $32.50 for “Gorilla Glue Hair Gel.”
  • $36.00 for a copy of a “High School Class of 2030” with a note “future hook-ups”
  • $50,000 to a “house painter” with the notation “Joel Greenberg hit.”
  • $25.00 for a “fake Middle School I.D.”
  • $135.00 for a tuxedo rental and corsage with a note “prom night.”

Kevin McCarthy:

  • 50 cents received from a user named Serpent with notation “for my soul.”
  • $12.00 for a tube of Preparation H Lip Balm with notation “for Donnie’s hemorrhoid days.”
  • $80.00 for a box of kevlar face masks with note “Liz Cheney protection.”

Rudy Giuliani:

  • $35,000 to Sacha Baron Cohen note “unseen hotel footage.”
  • $125.00 to Jiffy Lube note “head oil change.”
  • $25.00 for a rental of the movie”Kissin’ Cousins.”
  • $10.00 for a spittoon.

Liz Cheney:

  • $300.00 for “buckshot.”
  • $10.00 for practice targets with note, “Kevin McCarthy face.”
  • $25.00 movie rental for “V for Vendetta!”

Lindsey Graham:

  • $1000.00 for pearls, note “for clutching.”
  • $150 to re-upholster “fainting couch.”
  • $10.50 for a copy of “Gone with the Wind.”
  • $50.00 for blow-up doll of Donald Trump note “for those lonely nights.”

Mitch McConnell:

  • $10.00 for a “chin strap.”
  • $25.00 for a copy of the book “The Shell Game.”

Ted Cruz:

  • $14.00 for can of beard flea powder.
  • $1500.00 for a “Cancun getaway!”

Rand Paul:

  • $1.50 for Chia Wig Seeds.
  • $3000.00 for fake medical license.
  • $4678.50 for medical treatment for cracked ribs note “why do all my neighbors hate me?”

And there was one more account with a user name StillPresident45becausethe2020electionwasstolenfromme. It was such an odd user name we decided to investigate and found a payment in Rubles to Vladimir for “PPE.” At first this confused us as to why someone would have to go to Russia for personal protection equipment. It was not until after we identified the user as Donald J. Trump that we understood the note meant… PeePeeExtortion!

A Capitol Hill maintenance crew was shocked to discover a rarely-seen school of Moderate Republicans hidden in a supply closet in the Rayburn Office Building on the Capitol Hill campus. Capitol police quickly responded to calls from the maintenance staff and turned over the specimens to the National Park Service for authentication. The specimens were well preserved and appeared to date back to the Pre-Trump Era.

The Moderate Republicans (MR’s) were thought be have been driven to extinction by the modern political party known as the Trumpublicans. The Moderate Republicans differ from their modern counterparts as they possess vertebrae. Researchers at the Institute for Historical Accuracy believe that the Moderates were overtaken by the Trumpublicans who have much larger mouths and teeth like shards of glass. They would lure the Moderate Republicans into their lair at Mar-A-Lago and were thought to be able to swallow prey twice the size of their bodies, especially the Marjorie Taylor Greene variety.

How this particular school of Moderate Republicans survived the Trumpublicans’ massacre remains a mystery for now. Jim Letterman, a research historian at the Institute for Historical Accuracy, theorizes that they were initially hidden in the closet years ago by friendly Democratic staffers and camouflaged themselves wearing Trump 2024 campaign buttons. “Unlike the leech-like Trumpublicans, these ancient oddities are quite resilient and are able to walk and stand upright,” said Mr. Letterman. “In addition to having strong spines, these Moderates can survive without attaching themselves to Donald Trump’s ass,” he added. “They also do not leave slime trails.”

Among the specimens are thought to be various sub-groups of MR’s including Romneys, Cheneys, Kinzingers, and Flakes. Of the four sub-groups discovered this week, the Cheney one is believed to be the most vicious, partially explaining how this particular group survived. The Cheneys are thought to have the ability to disable other predators by shooting them in the face with buckshot, a trait handed down through generations of natural selection.

What will become of these newly discovered species is yet undetermined. Researchers are hopeful that they can be released back into Congress at some point. When asked for a comment on this discovery, a spokesman for the Trumpublicans had no comment beyond telling the Clown Car Update that their lips were busy elsewhere.

This week, vaccine hesitancy was stalling President Biden’s efforts to get to herd immunity by July 4th of this year. In a recent PBS/Marist poll almost half of registered Republicans say they will not get vaccinated. There have been many attempts to get these knuckleheads to get the “Fauci Ouchie” from bars offering free beer to the governor of West Virginia offering a $100 savings bond for a shot! So this week, President Biden is taking the shaman by the horns and offering free giveaways to Republicans who agree to get vaccinated. Here is the schedule for the upcoming week for special giveaway incentives:

Shaman Headdress Sunday: Any Republican taking a COVID vaccine on Sunday will receive an authentic QAnon Shaman Headdress Kit just like the one Jacob Chansley wore while farting on the floor of the Senate. This headdress is made of genuine faux raccoon and buffalo fur with realistic styrofoam horns. Included in the giveaway is a full makeup kit with all the colors you need to paint your body like the real Jacob Chansley. You also will receive a boxed lunch of pure organic food personally selected by Mr. Chansley’s mother courtesy of Chick-Fil-A .

Magnetic QAnon Calendar Monday: Republican vaccine volunteers on Monday will receive a beautifully designed magnetic calendar with all the QAnon holidays brightly marked. You will never forget to send a holiday card to your fellow Q’s on “Storm the Capitol Remembrance Day” or “That Time Q Predicted the Liberals Would All Be Executed But It Never Happened Day.” You will be proud to display this calendar on your refrigerator or on the bumper of your pickup truck just above your Bulls Balls Truck Nuts.

Tucker Tuesday: This Tuesday, all Republican recipients of the COVID vaccine will receive a talking doll of Tucker Carson himself. Molded in Tucker’s infamous frozen surprise face, just smack him in the head and he will say things like “Immigrants will not replace White Americans!” or “Pull that mask off that kid or I’ll call the police!” Your choice of regular necktie or his retro-bowtie look! Includes Tiki Torch.

White Supremacist Wednesday: Any Republican receiving the COVID vaccine in Wednesday will receive a hood and robe set with the Trump 2024 logo embroidered on the back of every robe. Get vaccinated and proudly display your allegiance to Obergroupenburger Trump at the next Klan meeting. Comes in sizes large, extra-large, and bloated-old-white-guy!

Thirsty Thursday: For this giveaway, Joe Biden has pulled out all the stops and suspended his ban on meat to offer all-you-can-drink meat-based beer for just taking a COVID vaccine. Get the shot then join your Republican friends at an all day open bar featuring Lamb Lager, Porterhouse Porter, and Cream of Chicken Cream Ale. Also, get your Johnson & Johnsons all-a-flutter when you meet and greet Larry Kudlow who will be signing autographs all day!

Firearms Friday: Nothing gets a Republican excited more than a shot and then a shot! So on Firearms Friday every Republican over the age of 12 (or in the case of Alabama, age 5) will receive a genuine MJT-45 Demwhacker assault rifle designed exclusively for the COVID vaccine Republican rollout. Made to the exact specifications of its namesake Marjorie Taylor Green, the MJT-45 is the perfect assault rifle whether you are making a pandering campaign commercial or just having fun with friends destroying Democracy at the Capitol!

Sleepy Saturday: This is the last day for Republicans to take advantage of vaccine giveaway week and we have made it extra special. To celebrate the end of a hard week of fact-avoidance and conspiracy theory spreading, every Republican agreeing to get the COVID vaccine will receive a My Pillow bed set directly from the My Pillow Guy himself, Mike Lindell. Mike has designed this set with the Proud Boys in mind with camouflage print so you can sleep, confident that that murderous mob of Antifa and BLM radicals can’t see you while you count white sheep and catch some Z’s!

So, Republicans, what are you waiting for? This week Joe is offering you some of the finest incentives a Republican can dream of just for doing what you crave the most: Bearing your arms!

What I am about to tell you is a matter of human record. Explain it, we cannot. Disprove it, we cannot. We simply invite you to explore with us the amazing world of right-wing lunacy. To take that one step beyond! This story may surprise you. It may terrify you. It’s the story of Larry Kudlow.

Larry, you see, used to occupy the highest levels of our government but through a cruel twist of fate, he was swept out of office and is now condemned to walk in the shadows between life and death, a dimension of delusions known as Fox News. This week Mr. Kudlow woke up to an ordinary world, put on his ordinary tie, and went to his ordinary kitchen. As he reached for his normal breakfast of cereal and Boars Head Beer brewed from real boars’ heads he noticed something strange about the beer can. Instead of a picture of a boar’s head there was instead a picture of barley, hops, and yeast. Was the world gone mad? What demon’s trick put a plant-based beer in his refrigerator? Larry threw away his beer in a panic and hurriedly headed to work in the Fox studios. Surely there would be an explanation there.

As Mr. Kudlow entered the studio he sensed the panic that had taken over the world. Joe Biden, in a mad power grab, had banned all meat from the world. No ham, no sausages, no cheeseburgers, no pork rind. This could not stand. Larry had to warn the world what had just happened. So he went on the air to warn of an evil president’s plan to ban meat. “No burger on July 4′” he screamed into the cameras! “No steaks on the barbecue. I’m sure Middle America is just going to love that. Can you grill those Brussels sprouts?” And just before he was cut off the air he screamed, “”You can throw back a plant-based beer with your grilled Brussels sprouts and wave your American flag. Call it July 4th Green. “Well,” he screamed out of his studio window, “we’re not going to take it anymore!”

Larry ran from the studio and into the street to find an upside-down world. The hot dog vendor was now selling hot carrots. He ran to a Subway sandwich shop to find only mushroom and kale hoagies. Then in desperation, he ran to a nearby Texas Roadhouse and in a breathless panic asked the waiter if they had steak! “Of course,” the waiter said. Larry began to breath a little easier until the waiter asked, “Would you like that made of avocado or hummus?”

Larry ran into the street again, bumping into strangers munching on celery sticks and watercress sandwiches. He passed an Italian restaurant serving spaghetti squash and granola meatballs. And then, in absolute horror, he saw children licking lollypops made of broccoli flowerets! The buildings began to spin. The ground beneath him began to move. His body shook uncontrollably. Shaking, shaking, shaking until a voice from far away became louder and louder. “Larry!” his wife yelled as she shook him awake. “Larry, are you having that nightmare again?” He rose up from the bed, looked at his wife and asked, “What’s for breakfast?” She said, “why cereal and Boars Head beer of course made from real boars’ heads.” It was true. The refrigerator was filled with Brown Gravy Beer, Lamb Chop Lager, Cream of Chicken Cream Ale, and Porter House Steak Porter. There was even a six-pack of Coors Cows.

Larry sat down at the table still shaken by the night’s terror. Was that a dream or was it a warning? Were the liberals going to take my meat beer away forever? He only knew for now, he was back, if only temporarily, in the land of meat beer. Mr. Kudlow finished his breakfast, walked to his car with his world restored. But as he pulled out from his driveway, he saw a little girl with an evil looking smile munching on an asparagus tip.

Mr. Larry Kudlow. A man caught in the shadows between life and death. A dimension between grilled burgers and grilled broccoli. A dimension where your only crime is to have the head on your beer be a real head. Mr. Larry Kudlow, caught between reality and madness in a far right-wing region of the Alt-right Zone!