Archive for July, 2018

482

Lordy! There are tapes! That was the news this week as we all were treated to the first installment of the taped conversations between super-attorney Michael Cohen and the President of the United States and last man you want next to you at the restroom urinals, Donald J. Trump. On the tape, you can hear Mike and Donnie plotting to literally cover up his ass. As ugly an image as that is, it was also delicious to listen to two idiots making a bomb that would eventually blow up right in Donnie’s pants. Ouch! But there’s more! The Clown Car Update has been able to obtain some of the over one-hundred tapes still undisclosed. And now, we have put together a boxed set of the Trump-Cohen duets greatest hits available to all our listeners who pledge to vote on November 6, 2018.

Here are a few of the titles you will treasure for years to come:

  • I Left My Pants in Downtown Moscow
  • Tiny Balls of Fire
  • You Can’t Always Piss When You Want
  • Good Golly Miss Stormy
  • I Heard It Through the Indictment
  • Ring of Fired FBI Agents
  • Papa’s Got A Brand New Bag of Money
  • The Yellow Pee of Texas
  • Whiter Shade of Yellow
  • Stairway to Prison
  • I Walk the Lineup
  • Georgia Federal Prison On My Mind
  • The Teen Contestants, They Are A-changin!
  • (I Can’t Get No) Pardon!

And from the world of great movie themes, we have added:

  • Pee-drops Keep Fallin’ On My Head
  • Wind Beneath My Pants
  • Singin’ In The Golden Rain
  • Ding Ding My Dong Is Dead
  • Hakuna Your TaTa’s
  • Beauty and the Orange Beast
  • Up Where It Belongs
  • Everybody Does It Better (Melania’s Theme)
  • Let’s Call the Whole Investigation Off
  • As Prison Time Goes By
  • Zipper A-Do-Da
  • Thanks for the Mammaries
  • The Whizzer of Oz

And if you pledge now, we will send your Trump-Cohen Boxed Set in an authentic replica of the paper bag used in the Watergate payoffs. And that’s not all! If you pledge to take one person with you to vote on November 6, we will include a director’s cut DVD of the Pee-Pee Tape with commentary narrated by producer Vladimir Putin.  Don’t miss this rare opportunity to own the tapes that brought old Donnie Down. And with this perfect keepsake, you will be able to answer your grandchildren when they ask, “What the fuck were you all thinking?!”

481

This week, Donald Trump was summoned by his handler, Vladimir Putin, to Helsinki for his eighteen-month performance review. The review was held in private as required by the Amalgamated Society of Sedition (ASS), Union Local 1600, Moscow. Members of the union are commonly referred to as “ASSes”. During each rating period, an ASS is required to meet with their handler and go over how perfect an ASS they have been. This particular performance review attracted a lot of media attention because it involved Donald Trump, the biggest ASS in the world and his handler, Vladimir Putin. There has been rampant speculation as to what happened in the meeting since the only people in the room were Putin, two interpreters, and the Trump the ASS. But the Clown Car Update was able to acquire a copy of the ASS’s performance review after one of the interpreters left a copy in a bathroom after getting sick listening to the ASS for two hours. So here are some excerpts from Donald Trump’s ASS performance review:

Attendance: Not Satisfactory: Despite the Russian Federation providing you with a big White House and top security, you are hardly ever there. Every time I call to talk about a new policy I want you to try, you are inevitably on a golf course. For example, when I had the idea of building gulags for children crossing the border, much as my hero Joe Stalin did, you were making a fool of yourself swinging a golf club and showing how fat your ass is. As a result, I was forced to give the order directly to that other ASS you have running your justice department. Truthfully, I can’t understand a thing he is saying. Is that English? Anyway, you must make an effort to work more. Try pretending that those hookers I gave you are waiting in your office to pee on your putter.

Communication: Good: You have done a good job convincing your followers that you are a genius. I would have given you an “excellent” in this category except those followers are dumber than you are. Also, you never make complete sentences and sniffle a lot. Keep in mind, the cocaine is for the hookers, not you. You have achieved a good rating because you lie so fast and often that your fake news press can’t keep up. And I will never forget when you told Melania that you were all alone in that hotel room and the dripping sound was a leak in the plumbing. I still laugh every time I watch that video!

Creativity: Needs improvement: You have a hard time thinking “outside the box.” And you know what box I am talking about. Sometimes I think you think with your little Donald instead of that little brain you have. For example, that Stormy Daniels thing has everyone at the Kremlin worried. Why the hell would you give her that much money just to shut her up? You realize there are more effective ways to shut people up? And now she has that lawyer Avenatti. Truthfully, he even scares me. You must try to challenge yourself. As a suggestion, during the next year, try getting Melania to have sex with you.

Managerial Style: Not good: You do not have a managerial style. What you have is the self-control of a four-year-old with diarrhea. Your statements and tweets are causing moral problems with your staff and they are leaving faster than those four Happy Meals are leaving your colon. We know you are the biggest ASS in the White House, but you really don’t need to flaunt it so often.

Technical Skills: Poor: We gave you a smartphone to keep in touch with us, not to spend your time sending tweets that make no sense. For the first year that you worked for us, we actually had our decoders working twenty-four hours a day.  And “covfefe?” That one cost of weeks of work! Get a grip, Donald. Remember we made you president, but above all, you are an ASS.

In summary, your performance to date has been marginal at best, with very few satisfactory moments. You can make a start in improving your performance later today at the press conference by telling the world what a great guy I am. If you can’t improve your performance, we may have to let you go. However, we will let you pass because honestly, you are the biggest ASS we could find right now.

 

 

 

480

Donald J. Trump is currently on a historic European trip. He has already attended a NATO conference, met with the Prime Minister and Queen of Great Britain, and on Monday of this week will have a summit with Vladimir Putin. To commemorate this historic occasion,  the Clown Car along with The Franklin Mint is proud to offer for a limited time the Trump European Tour Bobblehead Collection. Each bobblehead is artfully crafted to be a realistic representation of the people and events that occurred as Trump shit over everybody from Brussels to Helsinki. The collection includes:

The Trump Bobblehead: Hand painted in realistic orange tint, this bobblehead is perfectly proportioned and anatomically correct. Each detail was carefully researched to capture the essence of Trump from the urine stains to the tiny hands and penis. Wig glue and depends sold separately.

The Melania Trump Bobblehead: The perfect companion to the Trump bobblehead, this perfect representation of the First Lady complete with her Zara “I really don’t care. Do U?” jacket.  Just don’t get her hand too close to the Trump’s bobblehead tiny hand or she will slap it away like a fly on a horse’s ass. And Melania comes with her own private bedroom, just like at the White House.

The Angela Merkel Bobblehead: She’s tough, she’s German, and she’s ready to stare down the Orange American.  Crafted in a leaning position staring across a table from a sitting Donald, this Angela Bobblehead comes with a Russian pipeline and millions of vehicles she intends to export to the United States. If you wiggle Angela’s finger at Trump, he comically folds his hands, his eyes light up and he shits his pants into a refillable depends. Fake shit sold separately.

The Emmanuel Macron Bobblehead: Emmanuel comes with his own guillotine and military parade. Look out, the Trump bobblehead is going to be jealous! But think twice before you put him on the guillotine, Emmanuel. Just remember what happened to Kathy Griffin! WARNING: If you have the Macron bobblehead shake hands with the Trump bobblehead, it will leave a permanent thumb mark!

The Queen Elizabeth II Bobblehead: This Queen Elizabeth II is exquisitely crafted to depict the Queen of England reacting to meeting Donald Trump for the first time as the Queen kneels in front of her “throne” and throws up. Just fill the Queen’s crown with the provided fake vomit and touch her bum with the Trump bobblehead and she hurls chunks! Buckingham Castle and overactive bladder Prince Phillip sold separately.

The Putin/Trump Meeting Bobbleheads: This is a two bobblehead set and depicts the historic meeting between Donald J. Trump and his Russian handler, Vladimir Putin. Both are depicted shirtless with realistic man-boobs and fat folds. And these bobbleheads double as a clock! Just twist Trump’s wig and he bends over and kisses Putin’s ass repeatedly to count the time of day. At midnight and noon, Trump’s kiss makes a realistic sucking sound.  Accessories include a pee-pee tape, peeing hookers, and a happy meal.

If you order today, the Clown Car and the Franklin Mint will include a replica of the Trump Baby Baloon flown over London during the president’s visit. This is a life-size reproduction and can be flown at family picnics, county fairs, or at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Prade. They can be filled with helium but are best flown with hot gas from a sick colon. These are limited to the first ten million people who order the complete set of bobbleheads. And remember when you think bobblehead, think Trump!

 

 

 

479

As predicted by the half-man half-fish prognosticator and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Alex Jones, the Second Civil War broke out on the Fourth of July. It is possible you missed the outbreak of hostilities because you were busy grilling burgers and watching fireworks displays. That is exactly what the liberal left wanted you to be doing while they launched a brutal attack on Trump supporters while they were eating dinner at their favorite restaurants. Reports of cruel stares, lousy service, and deliberately late appetizers were rampant. In one extreme case, there were reports of Trump supporters being served food with gluten. Others had their cheese plates taken from the table early and denied Perrier, Geneva Conventions be damned!

After the outbreak of hostilities, there were floods of heartbreaking letters from the front. Here is just one of them provided to us by Adam Herbert at Mic Check Radio:

To General Pendleton, Supreme Commander of the United Patriot Forces:

Sir. Our campaign to wage psychological warfare on the Red Hat army is going smoothly. Our first attempt involving the airdropping of article clippings from the New York Times and copies of the Constitution met with mixed results, largely due to the lack of reading ability above the first grade level among the enemy. However, our second attempt where we cut off their access to Fox News and other right wing outlets and replaced it with a 24/7 stream of CNN, MSNBC, PBS, and the BBC has met with great success and we expect them to accept our demands for unconditional surrender by week’s end, as their feeble traitor minds can’t handle truth and culture. Once that happens, we will resupply and rendezvous with the rest of our forces for the siege on DC so that we might remove the Orange Traitor.

Colonel Baker, 42nd Battalion, UPF

After reading hundreds of heartbreaking letters like these, we at the Clown Car Update don’t want you marching off to battle ill-equipped.  So we are introducing The Civil War II Outfitters Emporium for all your battlefield needs. There is no reason to have to fight this war and not stay in the style you are used to. Just look at our line of Civil War II equipment designed by our experts just for the modern Blue Wave Union Army. They include:

  • Scott Pruitt tactical pants: You wouldn’t want to be in Scott Pruitt’s shoes, but how about his pants? Well, maybe that’s the wrong way to put it, but his tactical pants are the perfect start to the new Blue Wave Union uniform. It has compartments in the compartments, and they are all totally secured like Scott’s old phone booth. Keep your iPhone, iPad, or laptop right with you as you troll the enemy on Twitter!
  • MRE’s: That’s right, our Blue Wave Union Army needs food, and what better way to fill a soldiers belly that with a Civil War II Outfitters Emporium MRE (McDonald’s ready to eat). Happy meals, fish fillets, chicken nuggets all included. And even after fifty years, they still taste just like they do at your local McDonald’s. Just ask the president of the Confederates.
  • Avocado slicer and peelers: There is no way you want to start your morning of hostilities without a good breakfast that includes toast and a good avocado spread. And our avocado knives come in three brilliant colors so you look great confronting right-wingers at the hotel’s free breakfast buffet.
  • Military-grade Jamba Juice holders: As you march into battle, whether to tweet at a Trump troll or just changing your Facebook profile to “wounded in action”, you want to know your Jamba Juice will be safe and secure. Available in jumbo size too!
  • Comfort hypoallergenic pillows: After a grueling day of trolling on Breitbart comments section, a Blue Wave Union soldier needs a good night’s sleep. But running all over the country to demonstrations and marches, all you get are hard hotel pillows. But our hotel comfort hypoallergenic bamboo shredded memory foam pillow relieves snoring, insomnia, asthma, neck pain, and migraines caused by MAGA exposure. Sleep like the snowflake you are and wake fresh the next morning to hand out leaflets or just throw things at the chyron on Fox News.
  • Hipster man-bun net: This is military-grade for those days on the battlefield when you have no time to re-groom. Keep that man-bun perfectly secure knowing that even the enemy will admire your hipster class!

And if you order now, we will include a wartime supply of Deplorable Repellant Spray available in aerosol cans or pump spray for the times you just can’t get away from the enemy, like at a family wedding or Thanksgiving dinner. And after you get to the battle use our Civil War II Outfitters Emporium app for quick purchase and free delivery.  Our motto is “During Civil War II, we are all blue!”