Archive for April, 2020

Yes, it’s been a long, long time since we all sat down in our favorite restaurant and enjoyed the camaraderie of sharing our bacteria and viruses with the strangers at the next table. Or had the pleasure of getting our hair trimmed while the stylist’s breath shares the tacos and onions they just had for lunch. And finally the pure pleasure of taking our seat in a movie and realize that you just sat on some unidentified liquid left by the last occupant. Well if your state is still stuck in the mud of social distancing Georgia has news for you: We are open for business! That’s right, Governor Brian Kemp invites you to come to the Peach State and throw off the yoke of government oppression and breath in the fresh COVID-19 droplets of freedom!

First, check into one of our luxurious hotels where our accomodating staff are free of the cumbersome masks and gloves you have to endure in government oppressed states. That’s right you are greeted with a nice sweaty hand-shake and the spray of a hearty “hello” as you enter our lobbies. And after those freedom droplets settle on your mucus membranes enjoy our suites that are free of all the smells of disinfectant and cleaning products that make you feel you are a prisoner of a left-wing hoax.

Now, for your dining pleasure, visit one of Georgia’s fine dining establishments ready to spread joy and disease on your fun getaway. For example, go to “The SARS Bar” where our buffets are legendary. Turned over every night so the fresh side is up our food is prepared to peak perfection every other Tuesday. And to give that at-home experience all freedom-loving Americans love, we have removed all the sneeze guards so everyone can just feel free to reach in and sample your favorite entrees. And don’t worry, there are no freedom-hating tongs to fiddle with. At “The SARS Bar” feel free to grab what you want with your fingers of liberty!

And after dinner, what is better than a great movie. Our theaters are now featuring such classic hits as “Contagion,” “World War Z,” and “The Andromeda Strain.” And don’t worry about visiting the refreshment stand because you share with everyone our community tub of popcorn and our community pool of Coca-Cola. Just dip in your straw or rent one from our disinfesting station. And with our bench seating, you can snuggle up next to that stranger with the matted orange beard. Enjoy the show!

And while you’re in Georgia you can have peace of mind if you need medical attention, which you have a 98% probability. Our medical teams are up on the latest treatment for infectious diseases which are President Trump approved like Hydochloroquin, Isopropyl alcohol injections, and ultraviolet light enemas. Just put on this gown and the doctor will be in shortly!

So if you’re sick of being cooped up in your little apartment or having to live in freedom-hating states like New York or Pennsylvania, then come to Georgia. “Our hospitality is infectious!”

Another week in quarantine, another week of being subjected to the media sideshow that is the Trump Administration. Every day, an orange blob of jello dressed in an ill-fitting suit steps up to the microphone and for two hours lies mislead and blames everyone from the media to Santa Clause for the mishandling of the pandemic crisis.

His scapegoating is like hiring Russian hookers for a golden shower then blaming them for having wet bedsheets. This week alone he has used a pandemic briefing to show a campaign video, belittled reporters who pointed out his golf-while-America-got-sick February, and then blamed the World Health Organization for the entire thing. Trump has blamed China, governors, the media and Nancy Pelosi for his failure.

But soon he will be running out of scapegoats faster than COVID-19 can run through a meatpacking plant. So the Clown Car update, in its patriotic duty to assist the president in his efforts to deflect blame has developed a list of new culprits to pin his disaster on. Here are a few new ones just to ease his burden:

  • Obama’s dogs Bo and Sunny: That’s right, Trump has consulted with experts like Drs. Oz and Phil and has discovered that it may have been fleas left over fro the Obama Administration that were the original cause of COVID-19. Worse yet, President Obama knew about the fleas before he left office but hid all the White House flea powder. IT also explains why that thing on Donnie’s head keeps scratching.
  • Hunter Biden: Rudy Guiliani has teamed up with One America News Network to uncover what Hunter Biden was really up to working for Burisma. That’s right, according to Guiliani’s sources placed deep in a landfill in eastern Ukraine, Biden secretly carried the virus to the United States in a briefcase and left it under the Resolute Desk to infect the future President Trump. All these facts have been thoroughly vetted by Sean Hannity.
  • Hillary Clinton’s emails: Have you ever wondered why Hillary hid all those damning emails from the public? That’s right, they were covered with COVID-19. All this time she was plotting to undermine Fat Donnie’s reelection by hiding those emails until just the right time to upset the 2020 elections. There will be a thorough investigation headed by Fox News’ Laura Ingraham.
  • Robert Mueller: And you just thought Robert Mueller was just trying to indict poor Donnie on false charges of collusion and obstruction of justice? Nope! He was running a secret laboratory developing the COVID-19 virus and infecting the country by placing it on all the indictments he handed down. As a result, Trump will have Bill Barr appoint Kid Rock assistant U.S. Attorney for a special investigation.
  • The Whistleblower: “This is why it is more important than ever to have his name,” said Lindsey Graham from his plantation in South Carolina.
  • COVID-1 thru COVID-18: As Kellyanne Conway so brilliantly pointed out, there were plenty of chances for the World Health Organization to find a cure for this virus when the first eighteen COVIDS were around. “Why did we wait until the nineteenth to act?” Kellyanne asked reporters. “Eighteen opportunities and they blew it!”

But to the Clown Car Update, the blame lays with the Orange Jello Mold jiggling out to the podium evey day and we already have a vaccine for that: The election on November 3!

First, from the Clown Car Update, we wish all our listeners a happy Easter and a kosher and joyous Passover. Amid one of the worst pandemics in history the wartime president, General Lemonface has blamed everyone for the lack of preparedness from Barack Obama to the Easter Bunny. And speaking of the Easter Bunny, the burning question at the White House this holiday is, “How will social distancing affect the annual White House Easter Egg Roll?”

Well, slip on your homemade face coverings and just relax because Donnie has it all figured out. Instead of having groups of children hunt for Easter eggs, First Lady and former “Be Best” spokeswoman will host the nation’s governors for the First Annual White House Easter Medical Supply Hunt. Yes, every governor is invited to come to the South Lawn of the White House and search for coveted personal protective equipment and COVID-19 test kits. Here is how it will work.

Jared Kushner will hide N95 masks, testing kits, and ventilators generously donated from his own personal Federal stockpile and hide them in various locations around and in the White House. Each governor, wearing a special color-coded lipstick, will have one hour to search and find the medical equipment and roll it out to Donald Trump who will be standing somewhere in the South Lawn. They will then drop off the equipment into a circle with the name of their state. Then, they must kiss Donnie’s ass leaving their color-coded lip impression on his vast and ample rump. Attorney General William Barr will then tally the number of ass kisses each state has smacked on the Presidential Cheeks. The governor who has kissed Donnie’s ass the most times in one hour gets to keep the equipment he found. There is one catch. however. There is a special area of Donnie’s ass that is exclusively reserved for Lindsey Graham. Any governor whose lipstick is found in that area is automatically disqualified.

So enjoy your Easter or Passover celebrations, drink up your hydroxychloroquine and watch your governor compete at the First Annual White House Easter Medical Supply Hunt. The life he or she saves may be your own!

Another week, another reminder that it’s been thirty-nine months since the president of the United States is a three-hundred-pound orange lump of human lard. And every day this week at five-o’clock just in time to have you throw up the take-out you risked your life to get, that orange lump appears in high definition to hold a campaign rally. These events disguised as daily briefings always include a parade of ass-pimples falling over themselves, ignoring all the social distancing guidelines, to praise Donald Trump for leading us through this elaborate Deep State hoax.

And this week, the ass-pimple of the week was the “My Pillow Guy” Mark Lindell who was brought to the podium to make an ass of himself faster than a Russian hooker could piss on Donnie’s hair. And as an extra treat, he made up a prayer to fat Donnie that must have come from the bottom of Pillow Guy’s profits. In his remarks, Mr. Lindell suggested that we take the opportunity this virus has given us to catch up on our Bible reading. But the Clown Car Update has discovered that this was just meant to be an infomercial to introduce a new line of pillows called “My Biblical Pillow.”

According to Mike Lindell, “My Biblical Pillow” combines a restful night’s sleep with a reading of the Bible. Every time you move your head on one of these over-priced rip-offs the pillow recites a passage from the good old book. Just imagine falling to sleep to passages from the Old Testament like these:

“The people of Samaria must bear their guilt because they have rebelled against their God. They will fall by the sword; their little ones will be dashed to the ground, their pregnant women ripped open.” (Hosea 13:4, 9, 16)

Yep, drift off to sleep with the thought of babies splattered on the ground and women having their uterus ripped open. Ah, what comfort.

Or how about waking up in the middle of the night to this comforting thought:

“And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: ‘If you give the Ammonites into my hands, whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.’ . . . When Jephthah returned to his home who should come out to meet him but his daughter, and he did to her as he had vowed.” (Judges 11:30–39)

How about that Jephthah! He burned his daughter alive for a win! Now, who do we know who might do something like that? Thoughts, Ivanka?

And if you are tossing and turning worrying about all the hoaxes the Deep State are cooking up to stop Donnie from being re-elected, your pillow will comfort you with this passage:

“And if ye will not for all this hearken unto me, but walk contrary unto me; I will chastise you seven times for your sins. And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.” (Leviticus 26:27–290)

OK! If God is pissed at you, you will be turned into a flesh-eating zombie. Watch out Eric, Don Jr, and Ivanka. Trump may be running out of Big Macs!

So plump up that pillow and catch up with your Biblical nightmares with the new “My Biblical Pillow.” Or perhaps you should sleep on a Clown Car Biblical pillow that has this passage from the Book of Biden: “And the orange plague will be lifted and the darkness that has prevailed will lift on the third day of the eleventh month in the Year of the Lord 2020!” Or if by some terrible twist of fate Donnie is somehow re-elected, just have someone put that pillow over your face!