Archive for February, 2016

This week on Episode 376 of The Tim Corrimal Show we investigate the new Donald  Trump  demographic of “poorly educated”.  He won them by a wide margin in Nevada and he loves them for it! Now one must wonder how the pollsters asked the question “are you poorly educated” without getting punched in the face. But apparently there is an entire group of GOP voters in Nevada who proudly wear the manner of uneducated. Who knew? But the fact is that that demographic helped Donald Trump past the finish line in what is apparently a proud new “Know-Nothing” Party.  And now, to show how much the poorly educated love The Donald, they have started several  new Super-PACs.

First is the “Right to Ignorance” PAC.  On their website, duh.org,  they display their motto, “The less you know, the freer you are!”.  Their goal: To raise “lots of money for Mr. Trump!” The plan is simple, according to PAC chairman and banjo enthusiast Bobby Trippe. “We are not asking much, but if one million contributors pledge just one dollar each, that’s got to be, like, a thousand dollars to make Mr. Trump president, maybe even get him into the White House!”  The “Right to Ignorance” Super PAC intends to spend the money on radio and TV campaign ads. To stretch their dollars and in order to get discounts from TV and radio outlets, the PAC plans to run all their ads AFTER each state’s primary .

Another innovative approach is the “Bad Splelers for Trump” Super PAC.  Their emphasis, according to spokeswoman Janet Q. would be on posters and lawn signs. (Ms. Q. asked that we not use her full last name because she never learned to spell it).  Ms. Q. explained their strategy: “We tried to start a “Go Fund Me” page but our techie Clyde somehow started a “Go Find Me” page instead. Only one letter off and for some reason we didn’t receive a single donation.  So we all chipped in and decided to buy poster paper and make the signs ourselves. Naturally, we went to Hobby Lobby where the nice Christian man was very supportive and sold us special magic markers that he said had spell-check built right into them! You guys will have to tell us if they are working, but he only charged an extra $50 each for the spell-check feature”.  Their website is still under construction due to some confusion with how many “w’s” are in “www”.

Last is the “Wal-Mart Shoppers for Freedom” Super PAC.  The organizer and chief spokesman for this PAC goes by the name of “Fruit of the Loom” Mike.  Mike is a permanent resident of the men’s underwear department where he got lost two years ago with his grand kids and could not find his way out. He was interviewed behind the door of the dressing room in menswear for fear of being recognized. Said Mike, “I don’t like to identify my exact location for fear of reprisals. Liberals hate freedom, you know!”  It is Mike’s hope that the Super PAC will show America that people are fed up with liberal obsession with education.

“We call ourselves the Blue Light Special Riders for Freedom! I never read a book in my life and sill own my RV outright. It’s parked outside, if I ever find the way out!”  Mike’s hope is that his Super PAC will help Trump win the election so that his grandchildren can live in an America like he grew up in, free and ignorant. “They live over there in the toy department”, he said referring to his grandchildren, “and I want them to be free to learn the important things in life like reloading ammo and duck calling”

I’m not sure how much money these new Super PACs will be raising for Donald Trump,  but one thing is for sure: As he gets closer to the republican nomination, the ignorant will be right there with him!

Please clap.

 

 

 

 

 

This week on Episode 375 it is the Pope versus the Dope! Trump warned us about Mexico. They are sending drugs, they are sending rapists, they are sending bad people.  And now, they are sending something not even Donald Trump expected; They are sending the Pope. Our enemies know no limits in the ways they will try to destroy us,  so why were we surprised to hear that Mexico and Pope Francis have declared war on Trumpmerica!

Yes, folks, this week Pope Francis had the temerity to say of the GOP’s presumptive nominee and head bigot, “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not building bridges, is not Christian,” Francis said. “This is not in the Gospel.” It was the encyclical heard around the world, and everyone on that February morning will remember where they were when war broke out between the Unite States of Trumpmerica and The Vatican.

It was like Pearl Harbor all over again.Trump was just laying in bed, dreaming of how to get the best deal on iron maidens and cinder block, when the enemy hit! Trump was awakened to the news that Pope Francis had said something about him. “Was it good, I like the pope.  Was it bad, then I don’t like the pope!” And just like after Pearl Harbor, the allied forces were quickly mobilized to meet the threat.

“Amazing comments from the pope — considering Vatican City is 100% surrounded by massive walls,”shot back Trump’s social media director.  Even Joe Scarborough jumped off Donald’s lap to defend him.  Showing a picture of the Vatican on MSNBC’s daily Trump infomercial, the murder suspect turned GOP ass lick quipped, “Pope Francis, tear down that wall”.  And he would be an expert since he tore down the wall between MSNBC and Fox News.

But the best came from The Donald himself. After warning Mr. Pope that ISIS ultimate goal was to ransack the Vatican and steal the Popemobile , he issued this statement:

“Did you ever see this guy? He wears a little beanie on his head and walks around in a dress with beads around his neck. What is he, one of those transgender people trying to get into the women’s bathroom? And he waves these little arms around at everybody like that handicapped New York Times reporter. He looks ridiculous. And speaking of looking ridiculous, have you seen the Pope’s army? Swiss Guards, he calls them.  Swiss cheese, I call them. They look like little elves in orange striped bags!. He’ll be changing his tune when ISIS comes in and his baggy pants army poop in them and run away like little girls.  What will he do then, bless them to death? No, He’s going to call me and I’m gonna make a great deal.  I’ll save him from ISIS if he renames the Vatican “Plaza de Trumpo”.  Really, he won’t be able to call his good little Catholic boy “Jebra” because he’ll be back with his mommy and daddy having his consolation milk and cookies. Oh, and just to be safe, maybe we should ban Catholics from coming in until we figure out what’s going on here!”

It’s been an interesting primary season so far, sometimes frustrating, sometimes aggravating. But I never thought it would get to the point of the old saying, “It’s enough to piss off the Pope!”

 

 

Sources close to the Special Committee on Benghazi have informed me that chairman Trey Gowdy plans to convene a special session to investigate a possible link to Benghazi and the sudden death of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. In private conversations, Chairman Gowdy has reportedly expressed concern that at the time of Justice Scalia’s death,  the whereabouts of Sec. Hillary Clinton and her current email server have not been established. Further, the President took several minutes before acknowledging the Justice’s death, further indicating a potential cover-up.

The source tells me that for several hours after his death, Sec. Clinton was privately telling friends and family that Justice Scalia was “Vince Fostered” while publicly saying that he died of “natural causes”. Further, the source claims to have been told by witnesses at the scene that a pant suit and a “Hillary 2016” campaign button were found in an empty field nearby Justice Scalia’s luxury cabin.  Officials at the scene have not responded to our emails.

There has  been no time schedule for the special hearing, but the source said that subpoenas and innuendos will start to be sent out in the coming days through legal channels and Fox News.  “No one is targeting Sec. Clinton”, the source insisted, “it’s just that we just don’t know, we just don’t know. It is a very disturbing prospect.”  The source cited reports by Alex Jones that he had a “gut feeling” of foul play, and the evidence will ultimately lead to the Obama/Clinton cartel. I will keep you posted as things continue to develop.

 

 

 

With the annoying mini primaries behind us, we can now focus on states with actual populations. So I thought this would be a good time on Episode 374 of the Tim Corrimal Show to look back at the GOP aliens who were briefly with us and are now gone, and who better guide us on our retrospective than Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. So here from the files of Mulder and Scully, are the evasive mysteries of 2016:

Carley Fiorina: X-File “The Fetus Woman”, she gave Mulder and Scully a run for their Planned Parenthood funding when she used her power of defiant lying to put the image of live fetuses in peoples heads. Whenever her deceit was exposed, she would kill humans with a withering scowl, which was used to send her back to her own dimension by making her look in a mirror .

Rick Santorum: X-File “The Frothy Man”, he was first observed oozing from a crack in a small Pennsylvania town and spread as far as Washington, D.C.  He was created from a mixture of lubricant and other nasty material and had a particularly obnoxious smell.  He reached the height of his power in the 2012 Iowa Caucuses, but in 2016, he was forced back into his crack, never to be seen again.

Rand Paul: X-File “The Aqua Buddha Man”,  was an alien with a curious growth on his head believed to be a toxic fungus.  He disappeared suddenly and is thought to be hiding somewhere in Kentucky.

Chris Christie: X-File “The Bridge Man” he once caused a panic when he sealed off New Jersey from Manhattan. He was know for yelling and eating cookies and is believed to have given a computer virus to Marco Rubio and  to have been killed shortly after and buried in New Hampshire.

Bobby Jindal: X-File “Dorian White”, his real name was Piyush and was the son of immigrants from Punjab, India. He became of interest to the X-Files because despite being descendant from Indian immigrants, his portrait in the Louisiana State House turned Caucasian.  Although he was spotted in 2016, he actually died in 2009 attempting to rebut the State of the Union address.

Rick Perry: X-File “Horn Rim Man” was actually a large rock with a head. He was easily tricked back to his own dimension in 2016 by asking him to count to three.

Mike Huckabee:  X-File “The Rapture Man”,  first came of interest when he tried to sneak into the girls locker room in high school, his weakness was a deadly fear of gay people.  He was dissolved after getting a close whiff of Kim Davis’ hair.

George Pataki/Scott Walker:  X-File “The Nowhere Men”, they were conjoined twins who bored each other to death.

Lindsey Graham: X-File “The Fainting Man” he died of freight after reading one of his own warnings about terrorists.

Unfortunately, the more mysteries that are resolved, the more are left to be explained.  Still unexplained are  Donald Trump, “The Racoon Man”; Ted Cruz, “The Slime Man”; Marco Rubio, “The Droid Man”; John Kasich, “The Sweet Talking Man”; Jeb!, “The Invisible Man”; Ben Carson, “The Dozing Surgeon”.  Luckily, we have on our side our own “Mulder and Scully” team of Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton to figure out the mysteries of these creatures and ultimately save us all, because despite the lies of the GOP, “the truth is out there!”

 

 

 

On Episode 373 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we wondered what strategy do you use in order to win the Iowa caucus? Well, if you follow the corporate media pundits, you place third. You see, coming in third, when you were expected to come in fourth or fifth is the equivalent of winning, at least if you are desperate for anyone other than Donald Trump or Ted Cruz to get the nomination. It works like the old “Abbot and Costello” routine, “Who’s on First?”. Let’s let Abbott and Costello explain it:

Costello:  Who won Iowa?

Abbott:    Rubio.

Costello:  He came in first?

Abbott:    No, third.

Costello:  So who came in first?

Abbott:    Cruz.

Costello:  So Cruz won?

Abbott:    No, Rubio won.

Costello:  So Cruz came in second?

Abbott:    No, Trump came in second.

Costello:  I’m not asking who came in second, I’m asking who won?

Abbott:    That’s what I’m telling you, Rubio!

Costello:  So Rubio came in first?

Abbott:    No, Rubio came in third.

Costello:  So Rubio lost?

Abbott:    No he won.

Costello:  How can he win if he came in THIRD?!

Abbott:     He did better.

Costello:   Better than who?

Abbott:      Better than expected.

Costello:    Who was expected?

Abbott:      Trump

Costello:  But Trump came in SECOND!

Abbott:      Yes, and he was the loser.

Costello:  OK! So I’m the guy who gets the most votes. So I come in first. The next guy gets the second most votes, so he comes in second. Another guy gets the third most votes and he comes in third. So I won!

Abbott:    Maybe.

Costello:  How “maybe”? I got the most votes!

Abbott:    That’s not how it works. You see, if you get the most votes, but were expected to do well, you lose. If you get more votes than expected and come in third, you win.

Costello:  So if I come in second, I win?

Abbott:    No, that’s Trump. We’re not talking about him!

Costello:  So how did Paul, Huckabee, and Santorum finish?

Abbott:    Fourth, eighth, and tenth.

Costello:  So they won BIG!

Abbott:    Oh no! They dropped out of the race.

Costello feints.

So if you are confused like Costello, so am I, but this is the way the Iowa works.  If you win, you lose, and if you lose, you win.  It’s a spin game, not a contest and the winner is not always the person with the most votes, but the person with the most pundits. Or as Lou Costello said when he ended that classic routine, “I don’t even know what I’m talking about!”

 

The Iowa Caucuses are the “Groundhog Day” of politics.  Besides sharing the month of February every four years, they have another thing in common: one features rodents crawling out of their holes to make a prediction that almost never comes true, the other features Punxsutawney Phil. Now, I’m not one to make predictions myself. So for Episode 372 of The Tim Corrimal Show we have conducted the first ever poll of Iowa voter. It was devised by me and asked a range of questions in an effort to obtain a profile of the typical Iowa GOP voter. The poll is not scientific, but these voters do not believe in science anyway.  So lets drill baby drill down into their answers:

  • On nuclear weapons:
    • 60% say they trust republicans more than democrats with the nuclear football.
    • 40% think the nuclear football is an actual exploding football.
  •  On climate change:
    • 55% do not believe in climate change
    • 45% believe that snow is God’s dandruff
  • On Renewable energy:
    • Only 1% think we should invest in more renewable sources of energy
    • 92% think we should invest in refillable wine boxes.
  • On Religious freedom:
    • 90% believe that their religious freedoms are being taken away
    • 100% believe they have seen Jesus on a piece of toast
  • On the Founding fathers:
    • 80% believe our founding fathers were Christians
    • 40% believe Moses was one of the founding fathers
  • On Abortion:
    • 100% oppose abortion, even in the case of rape or incest
    • 90% of the respondents say they are the result of incest
  • On Gun Rights:
    • 70% oppose any restrictions on gun ownership
    • 90% oppose any restriction on used car parts in their front yard
  • On President Obama:
    • 66% believe President Obama is the anti-Christ
    • 44% admit to drinking anti-freeze
  • On Science:
    • 33% believe dinosaurs and man co-existed
    • 40% thought “The Flintstones” was a documentary
    • 93% said they believed in intelligent design
    • 50% defined “intelligent design” as a John Deer tractor

You may draw your own conclusions from this profile. Many of the GOP candidates have pandered to the very beliefs that were reflected in our survey, so who will win is anybody’s guess.  But as our friend Punxsutawney Phil has often predicted, you can expect at least six more months of GOP insanity!