Archive for the ‘The GOP’ Category

On Episode 314 of The Tim Corrimal Show we celebrate Halloween with an “Ode to the GOP Halloween Clowns”:

 

They roam the night this time of year

To feast upon your brains

The seers of doom, with tales of fear

The end is near, they claim!

 

They hunger for your very soul,

They crave your bones and flesh

They never seem to get enough

Their pits are bottomless

 

For centuries they sucked our blood

And terrorized our towns

They’re known by many names you know,

Republicans, Tea Clowns

 

They come in many forms and shapes

They offer circuses and bread

They say they’ll help you, make you rich,

Then leave you to the dead!

 

One comes as Christie, large and loud

He blocks your bridge and mocks

Another comes as Voldemort,

You know him as Rick Scott

 

Another glows all orange bright,

The Speaker of the House!

To us he growls, barks, and cries

But to his ghoul friends  he’s a mouse.

 

Some dress in robes like reapers,

With their bony hands outstretched,

“Your civil rights are dead”, they screech,

“Your Constitution wrecked!” 

 

But the worst of them we never see

They hide in behind their cloaks,

They feed the beasts and fires of hell

They are the Brothers Koch.

 

And soon they’ll knock upon your door,

They’ll ask you for your vote

They’ll promise treats but give you tricks

Then throw you in the moat.

 

They’ll scare you with Ebola,

Or Islamic terrorists,

They’ll promise to protect you,

From harm and all of this.

 

But all they really want is power,

Fame and cash and more,

And all you get is pain and debt,

And endless years of war.

 

So listen friends, you are forewarned,

With my scary little rhyme,

Get out and vote, defeat these ghouls

And tell them “not this time!”

How the Liberal Stole Christmas

Posted: December 16, 2013 in The GOP

With great respect for (and apologies to) the great works of Dr. Seuss, I offer my Ode to the War On Christmas:

Every Foxie in Foxville liked Christmas a lot
But the Lib who lived just left of Foxville did not!

The Lib hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. The ACLU knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, that his budget was tight.
It could be his heads was not skewed to the right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was just bleeding, that’s all.

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his knees,
He stood there on Christmas Eve hating Foxies,

Staring out from his hybrid with a sour, liberal frown
At the warm loaded weapons below in their town,

For he knew every Foxie down in Foxville beneath

Was busy now hanging their Obama-in-effigy wreath.

“And they’re loading their ammo,” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! They’ll be shooting the deer”

Then he growled, with his Lib fingers nervously drumming,
“I must find some way to keep Christmas from coming!

For, tomorrow, I know all the blond Fox girls and boys
Will wake bright and early, making Fox and Friends noise!

And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the lies and dumb banter!
If there’s one thing they hate, it’s a big fat Black Santa!

And they’ll shriek squeaks and squeals, racing ’round on their wheels.
They’ll dance with teabaggers tied onto their heels.
They’ll blow their HerbHoovers. They’ll bang their Trickledownies.
They’ll tell their big whoopers. They’ll bang their Benghazies.
They’ll spin their tall tales. They’ll slam Harry Reid.
They’ll beat Hillary Clinton. They’ll slam legal weed.
And they’ll play noisy games like Obamacare Stinks,
A game with death panels and Big Slurpy drinks!
Then Mayor Boehner will make ear-splitting noises galore
Without ever once bringing a bill to the floor!

Then all the Foxies, young and old, will sit down to a feast.
And they’ll feast! And they’ll feast! And they’ll FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!

They’ll feast on the old, and they’ll feast on the poor,
A feast that they pay for with tax breaks galore!!

And then they’ll do something I hate most of all!
Every Foxie in Foxville, the tall and the small,

They’ll stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’ll stand hand-in-hand, as they pray to the Lord
That all the left wingers will wake up with sores

“And they’ll sing! And they’ll sing! And they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!”
And the more the Lib thought of this Fox Christmas Sing,
The more the Lib thought, “I must stop this whole thing!

Why for through all the Bush years I put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?”

Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Lib got a wonderful, awful idea!

“I know just what to do!” The Lib laughed in his throat.
“I’ll make a Black Santy Claus hat and a coat.”

And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great Liberal trick!
With this coat and this hat, I’ll be old Black Saint Nick!”
“All I need is a reindeer.” The Lib looked around.
But since all the reindeer were hunted, there was none to be found.

Did that stop the Liberal? Hah! The Lib simply said,
“If I can’t find a reindeer, I’ll use my Prius instead!”

Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks
On the top of the car with the family dog Max

Then the Lib pressed the peddle and the car started down
Toward the homes where the Foxies lay a-snooze in their town.

All their windows were dark. Foxies hate when it’s light.
All the Foxies were dreaming of a Santa who’s white.
When he came to the first little house of the square.

“This is stop number one,” the old Liberal Claus hissed,
As he climbed to the roof, arm raised with clenched fist.

Then he slid down the chimney, it was really tight, man!.
Almost as tight as a Paul Ryan plan.

He got stuck only once, for a minute or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue

Where the little Foxies guns hung all in a row.
“These guns,” he said, “are the first things to go!”

Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and took every stuffed pheasant!

Pop guns, filibusters, subpoenas, and cheese!
Checkerboards, tax breaks, their voter ID’s!

And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Lib, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Fox feast!
He took Fox Lie pudding! He took their red meat!

He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, he even took the last bag of Stand Your Ground hash!

Then he stuffed all the food up the chimney with glee.
“Now,” grinned the Lib, “I will stuff up the tree!”

As the Lib took the tree, as he started his run,
He heard a small sound like the click of a gun.

He turned around fast, and he saw a blond Fox!
Little Megyn-Lou Fox, who’s IQ was like rocks.

She stared at the Lib and said, “Santy Claus, freeze!,
Why are you taking our Fox Christmas tree?”

But, you know, that old Lib was so smart and so slick,
He told her the tree was Obamacare sick!

“Why, my sweet little snot,” the fake Santy Claus said,
“They canceled its policy, this tree may be dead.

So I’m taking it down to the hospital dear.
I’ll buy junk insurance, then I’ll bring it back here.”

And his fib fooled the woman. He patted her head,
And he got her a scotch, and he sent her to bed.

And when Megyn-Lou Fox was in bed with her liquor,
He threw up the tree then climbed up much quicker!

And the one speck of food that he left for the mouse
Was a food stamp that was recently cut by the House.

It was quarter of dawn. All the Foxies in bed,
All the Foxies still snoozing, when he packed up his sled,

Packed it up with their scandals, their rumors, their ranting,
Their proof of wrongdoing, their birthers and yapping!

“Pooh-pooh to the Foxies!” he went liberally humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!

They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
They’ll look for their guns and their ammo clips too
Then the Foxies down in Foxville will all cry boo-hoo!

That’s a noise,” grinned the Lib, “that I simply must hear!”
He paused, and the Lib put a hand to his ear.

And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low, it was the Fox Sunday Show.
Christmas came just the same, they just cashed in some stocks
And asked for more tax breaks to cushion the shock

They bought brand new Porsches, they bought brand new clothes
They brought them all home wrapped in ribbons and bows
Then they laughed at us all, yes this story is true
See, when Foxies want more, they just take it from you!

Today I’ve been watching the House of Representative’s hearings on the problems with the ACA rollout.  It is fascinating how Republican/Tea Party congressmen enjoy what is known as “The Kangaroo Court”. This is not to be confused with Justices Thomas, Alito, or Scalia who have their own version. No, I’m speaking of the court that has become so popular with the GOP/TP ever since President Obama raised his hand to take his first oath of office.

So just what is the GOP’s obsession with the Kangaroo? Well, to answer that question, lets take a look at their unique characteristics.  No, not the GOP congress, Kangaroos.

  • Kangaroos are marsupials. Now that may be known to most of you, but to the scientifically challenged GOP, not so much.  So they may confuse the word “marsupial”  with a Christian fundamentalist sect, or an automatic weapon.  Either of these misinterpretations would endear the Kangaroo to any right wing radical in congress. Can’t you just hear Steve King praising the God fearing, Christ loving Marsupials for their faithful resistance to all evils Liberal.  Or can you imaging Louie Gomert’s Meet the Press interview where he defends our right to own a marsupial and vows to fight any effort to restrict their use in defense our homes?
  • Of the 60 different species of Kangaroos, the largest is the RED Kangaroo. Need I say more?
  • Kangaroos have powerful legs and are known for their jumping ability, as is the GOP. They can jump from one Obama scandal to the next before an observer can blow his didgeridoo. Witness any interview on Meet the Press and you will marvel at the speed a member of the GOP can jump from Benghazi to Solyndra then back to the IRS before David Gregory even has  chance to wipe the brown spots off his nose.
  • Kangaroos can twist their ears in any direction. This is especially useful to GOP congressmen in filtering out facts when they are corrected on current talking point. I have actually seen Michele Bachmann’s ears spinning after being corrected on actual American history.
  • Finally, and perhaps most important, female Kangaroos have pouches. This is especially handy for GOP congressmen for collecting all that money the Koch brothers pay them to hop around and jump as high as they are told. Look closely the next time you see a member of the GOP and no matter how slim or rotund, they all have a full pouch.

So my proposal is this: Perhaps the GOP has the wrong logo. Yes, I love elephants, and they are intensely sensitive and loyal animals (which probably should disqualify them from being associated with the Republican Party to begin with!).  But, given the GOP propensity for Kangaroo Courts, maybe the Kangaroo is more appropriate. And, as an added coincidence, the current GOP chairman, Reince Priebus sort of resembles a Kangaroo, don’t you think?