Archive for May, 2020

This week, Donald J. Trump, stable genius and Professor Emeritus of Medicine at Trump University School of Alchemy, announced that he has self-prescribed hydroxychloroquine to ward off COVID-19 and mail-in voting by Democrats. The reason, he said, was a letter he received from a person claiming to be a doctor from Westchester, New York who claimed to have hundreds of patients on the drug. Well, we here at the Clown Car are not without the fake, half-baked medical knowledge and are very happy to share it. So we asked our resident physicians Drs. Youshud Panic and Deborah Gulpit to pen an open letter to the president with their recommendations based on their experience with suspect remedies for COVID-19 prevention. Here then is their letter:

Dear Supreme Potentate,

We know you are a very busy man trying to find people to blame for the pandemic while keeping up with your cable news viewing and blame Tweeting, but please take a minute to read our letter. Recently we have noticed that you have not been completely lucid and have been hallucinating about things like Obamagate and being a healthy weight. Knowing that you have recently been exposed to the COVID-19 virus by your personal valet and maybe a Russian hooker or two, we want to be assured that you are safe and protected. Our concern is not only for the security of our great country but also out of concern for the late-night comedy shows. You may not realize it but there is an entire cottage industry built around you and the really freaky things you say and Tweet. And with the economy tanking faster than you write checks to porn stars, we really don’t need unemployed comedians. So since we know you are willing to take medical advice from doctors you don’t even know, here are some things that you may want to add to your daily routine we have found useful in protecting our patients:

  • Always double up on the dose of any medication you are taking, like hydroxychloroquine or household bleach. Our motto here is “if it’s good, twice as much is better!”
  • Every day, preferably before a news conference or pubic appearance, mix a little Ex-lax or a laxative of your choosing with some ipecac syrup to clear your sinuses. It will resolve some of that sniffling you seem to have and may shorten those nasty press briefings with rude reporters.
  • And finally, as a night-cap to your daily routine, bathe in a warm tub for at least an hour to open your pores. To complete your sanitation process before bed, while you are soaking in the tub, plug in an ultraviolet lamp, and submerge it in the bathwater. As your pores open, the light will penetrate and sanitize your entire insides.

If you have any questions or need further instruction, please feel free to call our presidential hotline at 1-800-ITSAHOAX or leave an email at http://www.itwilldisappearlikemagic.com.

Respectfully.

Drs. Youshud Panic and Gulpit

America is opening up again and it is beautiful. According to our fearless leader, all is right again and we can now ignore that nasty little bug that is going around and finally get a haircut or take that long-desired golden shower. That’s right, even Russian hookers can go back to work! And without those annoying immunologists and epidemiologists like Dr. Fauci filling our heads with science and facts, we can run down to a Georgia massage parlor and get a happy ending. And rest assured, the president guarantees that it will be a very powerful re-opening and also very safe, some say the safest re-opening in the history of the universe. Why? Because anyone who wants a COVID-19 test can get one, that is if you work in the White House.

But just to hedge his bets a little, Donald would like to offer to his followers a new Trump product just in case things go slightly off the rails. From the man who brought you such scams as Trump Steaks, Trump Wine, Trump Airlines, and Trump University (GO PRICKS!), and five casino bankruptcies come Trump Funeral Services. That’s right, the Trump Organization wants you and your family to know that as warriors in the battle to re-elect Trump you catch COVID-19, your funeral will be as classy as Melania’s nude photos. Here’s what you get in the Trump Funeral Services package:

  • Exclusively from the Franklin Mint, genuine gold leaf casket with the American flag painted on top and Keep America Great emblazoned on the sides. As an extra bonus, the first ten-thousand patriots who die for his re-election, Donald Trump will personally autograph your death certificate of authenticity.
  • Inside the casket, you will be displayed in a full camouflage outfit and MAGA hat just like the one you wore at every Trump rally and quarantine protest. The casket will be lined with a Gadsdon flag with the words “Don’t Tread On Me” embroidered across the top. And rest assured, no one will tread on you six feet under.
  • A casket shell made of the same impenetrable concrete that his famous border wall is made of. That’s right, no Mexicans will ever be robbing the grave of our brave patriots who breathe in the Virus Droplets of Freedom to save Donald from a certain indictment in 2021.
  • A full military graveside service which will include a twenty-one sneeze salute, a full honor guard of the same medical personnel who intubated you in those final days, and as they lower you into your final resting place, the PA system will play “Live and Let Die.”
  • At each Trump funeral, the one and only Gene Huber will attend with his cardboard cutout of Donald Trump standing with your family as they proudly watch their freedom-loving family member lowered into a mass COVID-19 grave.
  • And as a timeless reminder of the asshole you were all your life, a granite grave marker engraved with your date of birth, date of death, and the words “Live Free or Intubate Me!”

And as a special tribute to the citizens of Wisconsin whose brave Supreme Court offered your lives in the interest of freedom and Donald Trump’s fat ass, we are offering a free funeral for every tenth member of your family to die of COVID-19. That’s right, we will punch your card every time a family member has their ticket punched. Just present proof of ten death certificates and test validating that you died of the virus and not an overdose of Wild Turkey.

So go ahead patriots, get out and enjoy the summer mask free and huddled together in large crowds because you are breathing in the air of freedom and showing you are as dumb as a brick and proud to die showing it, because in the end, the ass you’re saving is Donald Trump’s!

If you’ve been to the grocery store, hardware store, or home improvement center you will notice one item in very short supply if you see them at all. They are Clorox disinfecting wipes. This is not surprising since they claim to wipe out viruses in less time than it takes Trump to have sex with a porn star. So it comes as no surprise that these handy little germ killers flew off the shelves faster than a Russin hooker can wet a bedsheet. So now what do you do? Well, Donnie Trump has an answer, and, like it or not, it may eliminate the need for disinfecting wipes altogether.

Introducing Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways. That’s right, Trump now offers you the chance to completely eliminate the need for self-isolation, social distancing, and wearing a mask. With Trump Pandemic Wipe-Away cloths you will eliminate ninety-nine percent of all memory that COVID-19 ever existed. Pandemic Task Force? Wiped away! Dr. Fauci? Wiped away! Your grandparents? Wiped away! That’s right, just forget there ever was a COVID-19 virus and all your problems are wiped away!

Developed by the same stable genius that brought you Lysol intravenous therapy, Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways is the perfect solution to opening up this great country. Get back to the beaches, dine at your favorite restaurant, cheer on your favorite sports team without the guilt that your activities just sent Nana to the ICU. But what’s more important, Nana, or your stock portfolio?

And Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways come in convenient travel pouches so you can wipe away any thoughts of the coronavirus while you wipe away everyone in the supermarket. They fit easily in your purse or pocket so anytime someone tries to shame you for not wearing a mask, just whip out a Wipe-Away and sneeze in their face.

So listen to Donald Trump and get on with the business of the country and forget about the pandemic hoax. Get Trump Pandemic Wipe-Aways today and eat, drink, and party like there’s no tomorrow because, for most of you, there really isn’t!

Are you worried that hospital overcrowding may prevent you from getting emergency care? Has your face lift been canceled as “non-essential” surgery? Can’t get that Botox injection to keep your upper lip up? Is your bladder backed up like a Russian hooker with chlamydia? Or do you just want the good old fashioned feeling of being able to walk around a hospital without feeling guilty that you may have just killed that person you met in the elevator because you sneezed? Well, then we have great news for you because this week Vice-President and Jesus’ Petri dish Mike Pence invites you to visit the Pence Freedom Clinic.

At the Pence Freedom Clinic, we have taken all those CDC rules on safety and thrown them into the dumpster behind our building like all the other hazardous medical waste. That’s right, now you can have that knee replaced, that chin lifted, or even have a manicure all in the mask free environment of the Pence Freedom Clinic. Our waiting rooms are filled with fellow freedom loving Americans who never ran from a virus like a cowering liberal. Here we cough and sneeze like our grandparents did right out into the air. You won’t find any of those politically correct mouth coverings here! No sir, at the Pence Freedom Clinic we share the comradery of plagues just like the people in the Good Book did because we know that Jesus is our vaccine.

Whether you have the sniffles, a cough, or a fever, we don’t care because our motto here at the clinic is “let the bug fly!” We don’t waste beds in a separate COVID-19 unit because the whole damn place is a COVID-19 unit! And beds are never a problem because of our huge patient turnover. So there is no waiting for a room and no ventilator or personal protection equipment shortages. We simply don’t use any of that. The average patient is out of here in less that two days. And their grieving families need not worry about funeral arrangements with our final services package included with all admissions.

The quality of our staff is getting better every day as the lawsuits slowly have been settled. Most of our physicians have graduated from a medical school somewhere and have either been completely cleared of charges or have plea-bargains pending.  And our nurses are required to have at least three years of high school or equivalent in mandatory community service.

So when you have an urgent medical need please consider the Pence Freedom Clinic where regulations have been thrown out the window with all the medical waste. And remember, leave the mask behind because the life you save is probably someone else’s anyway.