Archive for February, 2018

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We have all seen Sarah Huckabee Sanders at White House press briefings.  Do you wonder why she never tells the truth?  Do you wonder if anything can be done for the chronic constipation of facts? Can anything relieve the bloating she feels by holding in the real answer to a question? Well relief may be just a sopository away with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax is proven to give gentile, overnight relief to chronic constipation of the facts and it comes in many forms.

Look, we all have a hard time passing the truth at times. Our lives are busy and the boss is often a big jerk. He does stupid things, he says stupid things, and before you know it you are out there at the podium and you are blocked. And boy, that can be painful! No matter how hard you strain, the truth just won’t come out. Well now you can get fast relief with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax works in several ways to soften the truth so you can pass it easily and get on with your lying. And Ex-fax comes in three easy applications.

For gentile, overnight relief, there is Ex-fax gelcaps. Just take two jellcaps twenty-four hours before your press conference and leave the truth in your toilet. For hard facts, try Ex-fax fact softener to make facts easier to pass. And for immediate relief, there are Ex-fax supositories that are handy when there are only minutes before you have to lie your ass off. Don’t let chronic fact constipation get in the way of your life. Get those facts out of your system and out of your way so you can lie without those facts blocking your system.

Don’t take Ex-fax if you are pregnant or may become pregnant as Ex-fax may turn you child into a liar just like you. Tell you medical professional if you develop sypmtoms such as a guilty conscience or thoughts of telling the truth. Seek immediate attention if you start blurting out that “everything he says is a big fat lie!” as this may be a sign of a job threatening reaction. And remember, keep Ex-fax handy because just because Trump is full of it, doesn’t mean you have to be.

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This week the Trump administration introduced its new budget which included a revision to the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) program. The new proposal is to replace the current food stamp program with a pre-packaged food distribution system sent directly to the recipients. Rick Mulvaney, the Marie Osmond of the White House budget office says it would work like Blue Apron, but you may even lose a little weight! You would receive a box with all the ingredients for a gourmet government meal. No more need to go to the supermarket and choose the food you want to eat. Instead, our experts at the Food and Drug Administration will scour the dumpsters of the best restaurants in the country to bring you what they think you deserve. So move over Blue Apron, here comes the new food supplement program. They call it “The Orange Middle Finger”.

The Clown Car has obtained an exclusive look at the preliminary menu for The Orange Middle Finger program:

The Breakfast Box: The kit includes,

  • One Egg (Whites only, of course)
  • A  Joni Ernst biscuit bag with some biscuit crumbs
  • Something that may have once been a slice of cheese
  • A secret sauce
  • Coffee grounds used maybe once

Directions: Beat the egg whites with the provided splinter of wood, cook over a medium trash can fire for two minutes, and melt the cheese slice over the egg. Don’t worry if the cheese slice does not melt right away because we don’t really know if it is cheese. Add the sauce, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin. If you do, seek medical attention immediately. If there is an actual biscuit in the bag, put the sandwich on it with the plastic gloves provided. If there was no biscuit, save the bag. It may come in handy a few minutes after the meal. The coffee may be brewed in the old filter the grounds are stuck to, or you may provide your own.

The Lunch Box: The kit includes,

  • Something meat
  • Beef or chicken gravy stuck to a paper plate
  • Instant potato powder with some black specks
  • A green and black vegetable
  • A juice box

Directions: Cook the meat thoroughly until everything that should not be on it burns off. Scrape the gravy off the plate and onto the meat after the meat is no longer moving. Mix the powdered potatoes with whatever liquid is available. TIP: You may use whatever is in the juice box. Heat the vegetables on the plate that had the gravy stuck to it and serve before it coagulates. If you didn’t use the juice box for the potatoes, drink with the non-corrosive straw only.

The Dinner Box: The kit includes,

  • Our choice meats collected only on American highways. Your choice of opossum, skunk, squirrel. Raccoon a dollar extra.
  • What we think is hollandaise sauce because it’s yellow
  • A lump of Au Gratin potatoes stuck to a piece of plastic
  • Asparagus (if it’s not wiggling)
  • A cigarette

Directions: Pre-heat an oven, if you have one, to 350°. Remove fur or tire fragments from the roast and bake until the internal temperature reaches 1000°.  While the roadkill is resting, heat the yellow sauce until all the lumps melt away. While the sauce is heating, pull the potatoes away from the plastic and heat along with the asparagus. Pour the yellow sauce over everything and enjoy! We recommend you smoke the cigarette within an hour of ingesting this meal.

So there’s a preview of what the Trump administration thinks our supplemental food program should look like in the future. No more food stamps, no more debit cards, and no more unnecessary trips to the supermarket. Instead, you can sit home on what John Kelly likes to call your lazy asses and get your boxed food delivered right to your door. And remember, Trump is always happy to give the poor “The Orange Middle Finger!”

Today I read that Marty Allen, one half of the 1960s comedy team of Allen and Rossi, passed away on Tuesday at the age of 95. I am sure that most who read this blog – assuming ANYONE reads this blog – would be too young to know of Mr Allen.  But in the 60s, the team of Allen and Rossi graced the stages of many variety shows, not the least of which was The Ed Sullivan Show. Their humour was very popular if not as sophisticated as Seinfeld or SNL, but they made us laugh, and that is always a good thing. But the purpose of my writing today is not to rehash the career of long-forgotten comedians. You can Google their names if you are interested in TV trivia. You see, Marty Allen and his partner, Steve Rossi occupy a special memory from my childhood.

First, some background. Growing up my parents had a special connection the Congregation of the Passion order of Catholic priests. My uncle belonged to the order, as did my mother’s high school classmate, Fr. Joseph Guzinski.  Fr. Guzinski remained very close to my mom through the years and became a missionary on the small island of Jamaica. There, he laboured among the poor and struggled to build a church and bring food and medical care to the forgotten people in the mountains of that resort island. There was desperate poverty but Fr. Dunstan brought hope everywhere he went. My parents supported him with fund drives, medical supplies, and sponsorships. One was a Chinese-Jamaican exchange student who lived with my family when she attended Marywood College here in Scranton.  Fr. Dunstan was very good at spotting talent and Violet received his first scholarship and my first childhood crush. Alas, at 11 years old, the best I could hope for was to be her little brother.

 

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Fr. Dunstan and me

 

 

Fr. Dunstan was also good at promoting his causes and two of his most faithful partners in his missionary work was the comedy team of Marty Allen and Steve Rossi.  Through their popularity and generosity, they helped fund father’s many projects to alleviate the poverty in the mountains of Jamaica. Fr. Dunstan had an ear for music as well as academic excellence, and two of his children from the mission had talent that he insisted needed a boost. Regretfully, I no longer remember their names, but one played the concert piano and the other had the voice of an angel.

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Fr. Dunstan and his talented proteges

So Fr. Dunstan asked Allen and Rossi to help them out any way they could. What they came up with was better than anyone could have hoped for: A spot on the Ed Sullivan Show, the same studio where the greatest acts of their age appeared. Through their contacts in the industry, Allen and Rossi made these two poor Jamaican young men’s dream come true. They appeared on American TV on the biggest variety show at the time. I only met the young men briefly at my home as they were on the way to New York for the show, accompanied by my parents and Fr. Dunstan. That Sunday night, they met Allen and Rossi at the theatre and I watched at home as our “hometown” talent became stars for the night.  And all this was made possible through the kindness of two celebrities who shared their good fortune with the less fortunate.

Fr. Dunstan passed away in 2016. My parents have also left me with only their memories. So today, when I read Marty Allen’s obituary in the New York Times, I shed a few tears. Some for my lost childhood, and some for the kindness of this wonderful stranger.

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Allen and Rossi

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The Russians have one on May Day.  The French have one on Bastille Day.  The North Koreans have one every day.  Now Donald Trump is pouting and whining to the Pentagon that he wants one too! That’s right, a big military parade where Donnie can watch all the people who didn’t have bone spurs march in front of him and salute his fat ass.

But is one parade a year enough for Fat Donnie? Probably not, so plans are underway to convert Pentagon City into a gigantic theme park dedicated to Trump himself.  In an exclusive report, the Clown Car Update has obtained the Pentagon’s plan which is codenamed “Operation Pacifier”.  Here are some of the attractions that are being planned:

Mission to Russia: Don’t eat lunch before getting in line, because it’s a topsy-turvy ride through Moscow during the 2013 Miss Universe Pagent. It’s like you are right there with Donnie, walking into a hotel room with three of your favourite Russian hookers. But you better wear a bathing suit because those sprinklers are about to give you a golden shower as realistic as the one Donnie got. And the best part, at the end of the ride, you get a videotape of your adventure just like the one Putin put together for Donnie.

The Trump Tunnel of Love: This is a fun ride for any Trump lover. You may enter with your wife or girlfriend, but you come out the other end with a famous porn star! But don’t worry, at the end of the ride your porn star will give you a non-disclosure agreement so you can deny everything to your wife. And where IS your wife? Don’t worry, her and that Secret Service agent found a car of their own!

Trump Tower of Terror: If you have a weak heart, this is not the ride for you. You fly up and down faster than Natalia Veselnitskaya trying to pass out dirt on Hillary Clinton. Enter at your own risk because on every floor you will meet a Trump. In the lobby, you are greeted by creepy Eric drooling on himself and asking you if you have a juice box and a straw. Then the elevator takes you faster and faster up to the top floor where you are chased by Donald himself wearing nothing but his tidy whities! And just when you think he is about to go all Stormy Daniels on you the elevator flies you back down to the lobby. This ride leaves everyone sick to their stomach. Everyone gets a tee shirt though. It says, “I saw Donnie in his underwear and all I got was this lousy teeshirt!”

Trumpcot Center: This is a celebration of all the shithole countries in the world. Visit all the shithouse cultures that Donald Trump wants to keep from coming to the United States. Haiti, Puerto Rico, and of course the entire country of Africa. I know, Puerto Rico is part of the United States and Africa is a continent, but not at Trumpcot Center! And at Trumpcot, we have countries you’ve never heard of, like Normay and Binomo! And stay for the fireworks at night when we blow up North Korea!

The Daily Military Parade: This is the reason you came, the daily Grand Trump Military Parade chuck full of phallic symbols.  Long, fat missiles and the biggest nuclear button ever, way bigger than Rocket Man’s! And there are soldiers, thousands of them marching without a single bone spur. And watching it all is Donald Trump, dressed in a uniform designed just for him by the experts at the Pentagon. And on the Commander-In-Chief’s chest are the Medal of Valor for Keeping Eric, The Studio 54 Perfect Attendance Ribbon, The Distinguished Service Condom for Avoiding VD, and The Purple Prick for wounding his penis during Operation Stormy Daniels.

So don’t be a weepy Omarosa! Gather up the family and start planning now to visit the newest theme park right in the heart of Virginia. Do what Donald does every day and leave reality behind and enjoy the fantasy of a world made just for you! And remember, here in Trump World loving Donald is not only fun, it’s the law!

 

 

 

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Washington was rocked this week with the revelation of a classified memo in the possession of the Trump administration. It reveals classified information that exposes secrets about how our government has been conducting the people’s business for the last year. No, I am not speaking of the Nunes memo that came out on Friday but a secret memo that was sent by Dr Ronny Jackson to Trump’s Chief-of-Staff shortly after his physical. The Clown Car has obtained a copy of this classified memo. It explains a lot and here it is, exclusively from The Clown Car Update team:

TO: Gen. John Kelly, Chief-of-Staff
FROM: Adm. Ronny Jackson, MD
RE: [Male President 1]

During my recent examination of the [Male President 1], it was revealed that he is suffering from syphilitic dementia. We became suspicious when during his mental test he repeatedly identified a rhinoceros as his father in a KKK hood. We became further alarmed when during a Rorschach test, he described an ink blot as his mother Melania. A physical exam revealed that he has what would normally be described as a very tiny lesion that in this case covered the entire genital area.  A biopsy of the lesion revealed it came from an aggressive strain of syphilis common to Studio 54 during the 1970s. A CT scan of Trump’s head revealed nothing.

We are writing this memo to alert you to some signs you should look for in case you want to consider a 25th Amendment remedy.

  • Abnormal gait – You may notice he is walking like he has a load in his Depends.
  • Confusion, disorientation – For example not able to distinguish between CJ and DJ
  • Sudden personality changes – For example, he may appoint you to run the FBI and then order you to be arrested.
  • Changes in mental stability – This one may be difficult to spot.
  • Urinary incontinence – This one he may actually enjoy.
  • Shrinking of hands and feet
  • Dry mouth – May result in slurring words like “cities” and “states” to sound like “titties” and “schatch”.
  • Memory problems – May forget that he is married, especially in the presence of a famous porn star.
  • Muscle contractions – Especially in the thumbs during the early morning hours. If possible, keep his phone out of reach.
  • Poor concentration – He may only read three or four words of a security brief and then scream “witch hunt!”

If you or any of your staff observe any of these symptoms, let me know immediately. We are asking to classify this memo as top secret due to the sensitivity of the subject matter. Also, because the public report of [Male President 1]’s physical was total bullshit. I mean really, you believed one-hundred thirty-nine pounds? If you did, I have a memo from Devin Nunes to give sell you!