Archive for September, 2016

 

402

This week on Episode 402 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we preview the the debate showdown on Monday  between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. To help you understand the debates and prepare you for the unexpected, here are some things t watch tomorrow night.

What to watch:

  • Will Donald Trump invite his BFF Vladimir Putin to sit in the front row with Gennifer Flowers?
  • Watch for any sign that Donald Trump is starting to crack under pressure, for example, if he starts telling the truth.
  • Trump may use a familiar tactic if he feels he is losing the debate and tell Lester Holt he’s fired.
  • It is a sign of trouble for Trump if at any time he requests a lifeline to Meatloaf.
  • It may be a sign the Trump is tiring if he  leaves the stage and sends in Gary Busey  to finish.
  • Will Trump wear a tie made in China or Mexico.
  • Will Trump ban Muslims from attending the debate.
  • Will Trump follow though on his threat to have Hillary Clinton stopped and frisked?

We also have some suggestions for Secretary Clinton to improve her performance. To that end, we have prepared a proposed opening statement, some one line zingers, and a closing statement.

Opening Statement:

Good evening. The man to my right is orange. That alone should make you pause before voting for him, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. Tonight, as we discuss the most important issues facing our country, his penis will shrink to the size of an acorn. He will pound his tiny fists in the podium and tell you this election is rigged. But at the end of the day, this man is nothing but a Big Mac with Ebola.

As I stand here tonight, our country faces many threats. Russia is determined to expand its influence, ISIS is determined to expand its terror, and domestic violence threatens our cities. But there is no threat greater than to have a man in the oval office who would give away the Ukraine for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We must not give the nuclear codes to a loser who would accidentally push the button because his hands were greasy from eating french fries. The man is a liar, a cheat, and from what Marla tells me, like an egg noodle in bed. In addition, despite his boasting, he is a girly man. In fact, Dr. Bornstein has not been able to find his testicles since that man attacked him  on the stage. He talks a big game, but in reality he is a big stiff, except where it counts.

Zingers:

“So where did Kellyanne Conway put your balls after she cut them off?”

“Don’t look now, but that thing on your head just endorsed me”

“So when will Melania be giving Michelle Obama’s next speech?”

“I hear you once lost your balls in a box of raisins”

“Is it true that Putin’s wife found your lipstick on his ass”

“Is that shrinkage or did I scare you?”

“Your doctor called. Science rejected your body”

“Are those your hands or Q-tips?”

Closing Statement

My fellow Americans. As we go to the polls on November 8, we must not forget what this man has told you. He said that he thought the nuclear triad was an Olympic event. He said that Brexit was good with gravy and mashed potatoes. He promises that the Mexican president will not only pay for a wall but also will attend Trump University. He has failed to allow us to see his tax returns or those pictures of him and Ivana in a hot tub. He has rejected our allies, embraced despots, and grabbed his daughter’s ass on national TV. And tonight, I can disclose, he crapped his pants here on stage at about the one hour mark. So when you go to the polls, remember, if you think things stinks now, wait ’till you get a whiff of this guy!

Of course, Hillary will never use any of this advice, and she would be wise to ignore it. All we here at the Clown Car can do is wish her the best of luck. I would tell her to “break a leg”, but with her luck, she would. Instead, one more word of advise: If all else failed, offer Trump a bowl of Skittles and, as Trump said, lets see what happens.

 

 

 

 

 

401

This week on Episode 401 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we take a look at the results of Donald Trump’s alleged physical exam. Spoiler alert: it is the best physical ever in the history of physicals. It was presumably conducted by Dr. Harold Bornstein.

Image result for dr bornstein letter

Dr. Harold N. Bornstein

If you have forgotten, that is the same Dr. Bornstein who reported the results of Trump’s last physical with all the excitement of an adolescent boy discovering his penis. He stated in that letter that “If elected, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency.” I presume this comparison was based on an autopsy Dr. Bornstein did  on the cadaver of Grover Cleveland. Now if you have never seen Dr. Bornstein, he looks like a cross between Woody Allen and Charles Manson.

So this week,  in response to criticism of Dr. Bornstein’s first letter, Donald Trump released the results of a physical performed last week. Of course, in typical Trump fashion, he did not release the information in a press release or a press conference. He did it as any con man would, on

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Donald Trump on the Dr. Oz comedy hour.

the reality show of another con man, Dr. Mehmet Oz who has promoted African mango seed  as “weight-loss marvel.” He obviously didn’t share this secret with the 267 pound Oompa Loompa seated next to him. That Trump would choose the Oz show is rather fitting, since the spectacle more resembled a fantasy that ends at the end of a yellow brick road. But ignore the man behind that curtain, because The Clown Car will now reveal the actual results, found in a dumpster behind Dr. Bornstein’s office.

Urine Sample:
A random collection reveals that Trump’s kidneys have been stressed by excessive urination on the press. The medical recommendation is that the patient cut back on pissing on the press and go back to his normal routine of pissing on his employees.

Semen Sample:
This is not a routine test, but was conducted at the request of the patient to demonstrate his superior sperm quality. The sample was collected by letting Trump look at pictures of his daughter in a bathing suit. The results were abnormal, with 98% of his sperm consisting of tails with no heads, which also describes his offspring.

Prostate Gland:
Which in a normal human male, is about the size of a walnut. As men age, the prostate tends to enlarge. To screen for prostate problems, the doctor performed a PSA blood test which revealed a low number, which Donald wanted annotated as a golf score. A digital rectal was also performed, in which the doctor inserts a finger in the patients rectum and feels around. This is normally uncomfortable for the patient, but Trump is used people crawling up his ass.

Testosterone:
This test is not done routinely but again was done on the request of the patient, mainly to demonstrate his virility. Trump’s testosterone levels were normal, a surprising result because the doctor noted that he had abnormally tiny balls. In fact, the doctor was “surprised this man had enough balls to run for president.”

Colonoscopy:
This test is performed to screen for colon cancer. To prepare for the test, the patient normally has to drink a liquid that cleans out the colon. It was noted by Dr. Bornstein that during this procedure it was the only time Donald Trump was not full of shit. A tube with a camera is inserted into the patient’s rectum temporarily replacing the cameras from Fox News. The patient is given an anesthetic, which Kellyanne Conway was hoping would last until November 9th. The results of this test were normal, except for one polyp. A biopsy determined that the polyp was not a polyp at all, but actually Rudy Giuliani’s lower plate.

Body Mass Index (BMI):
BMI is a measure of body fat based on height and weight. At six feet and two inches, a normal body mass is 18.5-24.9. Trump’s BMI measured 34.3 which is considered obese. To make the number appear normal, Dr. Bornstein listed Trump’s height as seven feet and one inch.

Blood Count:
Trump’s red cell count was high, attributed to his love of red meat and Vladimir Putin. Not surprising,  he had a ton of white blood cells. A blood smear was performed which under a microscope revealed that his white blood cells were oddly shaped like hoods.

While shocking, the report we found in the doctor’s trash revealed a Donald Trump that was not nearly as healthy as his trip to the Emerald City of Oz would suggest. Dr. Bornstein’s noted that Trump’s only complaints were that his his clothes were tight and he had chronic constipation which confirms what we knew all along, that Donald Trump is nothing but suit filled with crap.

 

 

 

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From Tennis to Terror

Posted: September 1, 2016 in New Post

I spent yesterday in New York City at the U S Open Tennis Tournament. It was a lovely late summer day doing what I love, being around people who share a common passion for the game. It was an international gathering, full of interesting people from many different cultures and backgrounds both on and off the court. It was extremely crowded, but whether walking around, standing in line, or in the cramped grandstands watching a match, everyone I met was polite and accommodating. Smiles and comradely overcame any cultural or language differences. We moved over so others could sit, stepped aside for others to pass, and shared high fives when our favorite player made a great shot. Some waved the flag of their country, some wore hijabs, some wore yarmulkes, some like me wore ball caps. We were all united, enjoying the sport.

And then last night I came home. I turned on the television, which was tuned to MSNBC, and was treated to the rantings of an orange monster projecting a vomit of fear and hate all over an audience that seemingly enjoyed the spray. It was the opposite of what I had just experienced in New York, a crowd of angry, hateful bigots cheering on their grand wizard spewing a litany of lies. The America he described was unrecognizable as he painted a picture of a nation on fire that will burn to the ground unless they put him in charge. Follow him, he said, and famine would end, disease would vanish, and their lives would no longer be threatened by the “other”. And by the “other” he meant anyone who was not of white European heritage. It was a speech that could have been given in Germany or Italy in the 1930s. It was sickening.

The analysis that followed, however, further advanced the false legitimacy of the would be dictator. Treating his incendiary provocation as if it were a real policy speech, Steve Kornacki and a panel of experts tried to explain what we just heard. On the panel was Hugh Hewitt, MSNBC’s latest effort in it’s right wing nut-job outreach program. It was a great speech, Hewitt told us, and a great day for the dictator-in-waiting and all real Americans. Moderate republicans, who were appalled his candidacy, could now vote for him because he stood next to Mexico’s president without shooting him on live television. In addition, the dictator-in-waiting will be humane as he tears apart eleven million families and exiles his opponent, Hillary Clinton, along with them. Hewitt was not alone, as his enthusiasm for the racist rhetoric was shared by the likes of grand wizard David Duke and other white supremacists. This is what now passes as legitimate political discussion, the rantings of a bigot and his support among a blood thirsty mob of racists. Only Maria Teresa Kumar of Voto Latino expressed the horror of was just smeared across the television screens of America and the world.

There are many questions I have been pondering after last night’s chilling reminder that our democracy is on the eve of destruction. Where is the so called liberal media? Where are the voices like Edward R. Murrow? Have they been replaced by the likes of Hugh Hewitt? And how could such a lovely late summer day in New York end with a chilling reminder that a dictator-in-waiting is determined we never enjoy a day like it again?