This week on Episode 402 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we preview the the debate showdown on Monday between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. To help you understand the debates and prepare you for the unexpected, here are some things t watch tomorrow night.
What to watch:
- Will Donald Trump invite his BFF Vladimir Putin to sit in the front row with Gennifer Flowers?
- Watch for any sign that Donald Trump is starting to crack under pressure, for example, if he starts telling the truth.
- Trump may use a familiar tactic if he feels he is losing the debate and tell Lester Holt he’s fired.
- It is a sign of trouble for Trump if at any time he requests a lifeline to Meatloaf.
- It may be a sign the Trump is tiring if he leaves the stage and sends in Gary Busey to finish.
- Will Trump wear a tie made in China or Mexico.
- Will Trump ban Muslims from attending the debate.
- Will Trump follow though on his threat to have Hillary Clinton stopped and frisked?
We also have some suggestions for Secretary Clinton to improve her performance. To that end, we have prepared a proposed opening statement, some one line zingers, and a closing statement.
Good evening. The man to my right is orange. That alone should make you pause before voting for him, but it is just the tip of the iceberg. Tonight, as we discuss the most important issues facing our country, his penis will shrink to the size of an acorn. He will pound his tiny fists in the podium and tell you this election is rigged. But at the end of the day, this man is nothing but a Big Mac with Ebola.
As I stand here tonight, our country faces many threats. Russia is determined to expand its influence, ISIS is determined to expand its terror, and domestic violence threatens our cities. But there is no threat greater than to have a man in the oval office who would give away the Ukraine for a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. We must not give the nuclear codes to a loser who would accidentally push the button because his hands were greasy from eating french fries. The man is a liar, a cheat, and from what Marla tells me, like an egg noodle in bed. In addition, despite his boasting, he is a girly man. In fact, Dr. Bornstein has not been able to find his testicles since that man attacked him on the stage. He talks a big game, but in reality he is a big stiff, except where it counts.
“So where did Kellyanne Conway put your balls after she cut them off?”
“Don’t look now, but that thing on your head just endorsed me”
“So when will Melania be giving Michelle Obama’s next speech?”
“I hear you once lost your balls in a box of raisins”
“Is it true that Putin’s wife found your lipstick on his ass”
“Is that shrinkage or did I scare you?”
“Your doctor called. Science rejected your body”
“Are those your hands or Q-tips?”
My fellow Americans. As we go to the polls on November 8, we must not forget what this man has told you. He said that he thought the nuclear triad was an Olympic event. He said that Brexit was good with gravy and mashed potatoes. He promises that the Mexican president will not only pay for a wall but also will attend Trump University. He has failed to allow us to see his tax returns or those pictures of him and Ivana in a hot tub. He has rejected our allies, embraced despots, and grabbed his daughter’s ass on national TV. And tonight, I can disclose, he crapped his pants here on stage at about the one hour mark. So when you go to the polls, remember, if you think things stinks now, wait ’till you get a whiff of this guy!
Of course, Hillary will never use any of this advice, and she would be wise to ignore it. All we here at the Clown Car can do is wish her the best of luck. I would tell her to “break a leg”, but with her luck, she would. Instead, one more word of advise: If all else failed, offer Trump a bowl of Skittles and, as Trump said, lets see what happens.