Archive for November, 2021

This Thursday is Thanksgiving, the time of year we stop to celebrate the first feast of fall when the Native Americans brought corn and other harvests to the Pilgrims in exchange for anthrax. This past Friday President Biden pardoned a turkey (no, not Steve Bannon). This Friday, in the spirit of the season, people will line up at dawn in the parking lot of their local Wal-Mart ready to trample to death anyone who gets between them and that Black Friday special. But here at the Clown Car Update, we think it’s a time for us to reflect on the things we all should be thankful for and also some things we are not so thankful for. Here is our list:

Thankful: That we have a vaccine for our kids so they can return back to school safely.
Not Thankful: Matt Gaetz will be returning back to school in an unmarked van.

Thankful: If Marjorie Taylor Greene is not YOUR congressperson.
Not Thankful: That Marjorie Taylor Greene IS a congressperson.

Thankful: World leaders have agreed on a proposal to save the planet.
Not Thankful: Part of the planet is Florida.

Thankful: For the Thanksgiving turkey with stuffing.
Not Thankful: That Kyrsten Sinema insisted that before getting stuffing your turkey be means-tested.

Thankful: This year, thanks to vaccines, we can have Thanksgiving with our families.
Not Thankful: Thanks to vaccines, we have no excuse not to have Thanksgiving with our families.

Thankful: President Biden signed a 1.2 trillion dollar infrastructure bill.
Not Thankful: Half of that will be spent on delousing Steve Bannon.

Thankful: This year you will be allowed to stand for hours in Times Square to celebrate New Year’s Eve.
Not Thankful: Because of supply chain issues there is a shortage of adult diapers.

Thankful: Trump is no longer president.
Not Thankful: Trump was ever president.

Thankful: This year Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will allow spectators.
Not Thankful: The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will debut a Chris Christy balloon.

Thankful: Santa Clause will soon be stuffing all the stockings.
Not Thankful: For his support, Joe Manchin insisted that Santa stuff the stockings with coal.

Thankful: For Big Bird.
Not Thankful: For Ted Cruz.

And if all else fails, remember you should be thankful that you are not Joe Rogan, you are not Elon Musk, and you are not Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend!

Has this ever happened to you? There you are, waiting on Dealey Plaza for Donald Trump’s 2024 running mate to appear. Everyone is having fun chanting “We never landed on the moon!” and hanging on tight so they don’t fall off the edge of the earth. The clock strikes 12:29 PM and then…..NO JFK JR.! Not even a “J”, “F”, or “K”! NADA!

As a QAnon activist, you have so much to do in your workday. Tracking lizard aliens, keeping track of the covens of child-eating, blood-sucking Democrats, and predicting the date Donald Trump will return in in a yellow stream of glory. And when you have to keep revising your predictions when they never came true, recruiting dead people to reveal the latest master plan can be time-consuming and when they don’t show, extremely frustrating. But it doesn’t have to be that way anymore with Q-Recruiter, the recruiting specialist with the perfect dead person for any occasion.

At Q-Recruiter, we match the perfect QAnon zombie with your specifications to the special occasion you have in mind. We attend seances all over the world and meet the most qualified spirits and upload their resumes into our vast database. Then, all you have to do is post the event at which you need a dead person to appear and we send the perfect ghoul. Choose from our many categories:

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  • Dead Rock Stars
  • Dead Lawyers (But really, aren’t they all dead inside?)

Need someone to lead your next Civil War? How about Robert E. Lee! Need to find those flesh-eating Democrats? Who better than Jeffrey Dahmer? And how great would Trump’s reinstatement inaugural be with the ghost of Richard Nixon to swear him in holding the Pee-Pee Tapes? And the best part is that you can use Q-Recruiter absolutely free for your first event. Just type in the coupon code ELVIS and enjoy your first dead person on us.

Don’t get caught in Dealey Plaza without a dead running mate for Donald Trump in 2024. Make sure he has a corpse just like the one he had his first four years. How about Heinrich Himmler or Joseph Goebbels. And don’t forget a new first lady! Eva Braun anyone? Save time, save embarrassment, and save money by recruiting your next dead person on Q-Recruiter. At Q-Recruiter our candidates are just like your next prediction: Dead on arrival!

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert opposes President Joe Biden’s plan to offer family leave time to anyone having a child. Why? Because Rep. Boebert knows that real American women don’t have time for family leave. Unlike the current Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg, she knows that a Republican Transportation Secretary would have remained on the job making sure our roads and bridges continue to crumble before our eyes. And she just doesn’t understand how a man had a baby anyway!

And congresswoman Boebert doesn’t just blab the blab, she struts her stuff! She quit high school in her senior year to pursue her dream of a career as a professional pole dancer. To pay the bills, she took a job as a third-assistant manager at the Rifle, Colorado McDonalds. There she learned that government assistance wasn’t necessary when you could pick yourself up by your ammunition belt and become a pistol-packin’ drive-thru window attendant.

After obtaining her GED, she used her newfound skill at writing her name to sign a petition to run for the U.S. Congress. And like all American women’s dreams, she finally got to Washington and got to see all the wonderful things her former classmates enjoyed on their senior trip. And she went right to work fomenting an insurrection against her new employer and advocating for everyone’s right to open-carry at your local Hooters. That is why she is now introducing a bill that would be a QAnon alternative to President Biden’s family leave bill. This bill is designed for the American woman on the go with no time to spare, just like Rep. Boebert. Do you know she once gave birth to one of her demon seeds in the1 front seat of a pickup truck, tied up the umbilical cord around the stick shift, and went right back to work slinging Egg McMuffins and hash browns! Well, she wants you to have the same freedom from health care and hospitals as she had, that is before she became a member of congress. The bill is F-150 named after the pickup truck she herself gave birth in. Here’s what’s in her bill:

  • Your choice of paid-in-full birthing pickup trucks. Choose from her favorite F-150, the ever-popular Dodge Ram, or the heavy duty Chevy Silverado with a trailer hitch in case you want to bring your home along.
  • Free afterbirth cleaning of your truck at Ren and Stimpy’s dollar car wash and pet grooming center. For an additional fee, get yourself cleaned up there too!
  • A free baby carrier harness so you can drive directly to your job at Burger King holding your newborn in one hand while flipping burgers with the other.
  • A coupon from Red Robin for a free appetizer with the purchase of an entree at the regular price. Offer not valid near Texas abortion clinics.
  • A $50 bail-bond for one occasion of public drunkenness.

So call your Senator and congressperson today and tell them to support Bill F-150 and free American women from unnecessary interaction with their families. Because Rep. Boebert knows that your life is not as empty as her head!