Archive for November, 2016

 

 

407-1

Thanksgiving Day, millions of Americans excitedly watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with its fabulous balloons, wonderful floats, marching bands, and Broadway talent.  This Thanksgiving, the first of the post-PC era, has seen a new tradition in honor of the new Bigot-in-Chief, Donald Trump. It was the first annual Trump All White Meat Turkey Day Parade held around the block that holds Trump Tower.

For Episode 407 of the Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car Update was there to bring you all the excitement that thrilled the crowd of young and not-so-young white supremacists. They stood for hours in the early dawn hours of frigid New York, their flannel hoods and robes their only source of warmth. But it was all worth it as a parade of their favorite KKK superheroes and Nazi cartoon characters excited the little ones with visions of what promises to be a very, very white Christmas. So, let’s join the parade’s official MC, David Duke, as he describes the festivities!

First up is the Rudy Giuliani balloon. Its enormous head is inflated with over one million cubic feet of laughing gas and held down by one hundred volunteers from the psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital. The balloon has a mouth that is constantly moving and spitting on the crowds below, just like the real Rudy. The kids seem to love it, as the rude balloon yells over and over “lock her up”, just like the real Rudy did every day on Fox News. It is sure to become a favorite here for years to come as America’s Mayor becomes America’s Buffoon Balloon!

The next balloon is something special, a reminder of America’s nostalgic past when every building had a ‘whites only’ entrance. That’s right, it’s the Jeff Sessions balloon, with a life-size Beauregard in flowing white robes and holding his famous KKK hood in his hand. But watch out, his eyes are moving back and forth, searching for non-white faces in the crowd. The music blares “Dixie’s Land,” as balloon Jeff’s confederate flag waves in the wind. And as a special touch, stuck to the bottom of Jeff’s shoe is the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Hear that sound? Yes, it’s the White Supremacist Marching Band conducted by Richard Spencer, president of the National Policy Institute. But don’t let that fancy name fool you, this is the same group that hates anyone who is not white and of European decent. The theme of this rollicking band is “Heil to the Chief” as each member is sporting a Hitler moustache.  Let’s listen, shall we, as the band plays “Das Lied der Deutschen” or “The Song of the Germans”. On second thought, let’s not.

Oh, oh! What’s that commotion you hear in the distance? Why it’s the General Michael Flynn float. No Muslims are allowed on this float, as Gen. Flynn runs around and around chasing a woman in a Burqa. This float was put together by Islamophobs around the country who took time from their busy militia duties to lovingly build a tribute to the general. The float is covered with shredded copies of the Quran, and just above the animation is a reenactment of a suspect being water boarded as the crowd cheers U-S-A, U-S-A.

As the parade nears its finale with the appearance of the big guy of the day, the last balloon rounds the corner and yes, it’s a tribute to the people who made the White Supremacist Parade possible, the Republican Party! Represented by its mascot, a big goofy looking elephant, the GOP, the Grand Oligarch Party, celebrates its first Thanksgiving free of political correctness and any semblance of decency or caring for anyone not rich and white in America. But what is that coming out of the back of Dumbo? It’s a dump of the crap that the GOP has been dropping on us for the last thirty years. Very realistic!

And now, the moment this enormous crowd has been waiting for, the man of the season, the guy who puts the smiles on white nationalists young and old, the man with the big belly, Donald Trump. The kids are going wild as Don and Melania wave and throw Medicare vouchers out to the cheering crowd. Don’t worry, he knows who’s been naughty and nice, because his little elf Omarosa is keeping a list of enemies who treated big Don with mean things to say on Twitter. Watch out, Lindsey Graham, it looks like you’ll be getting coal in your stocking this year! But don’t worry, it will be clean coal because Trump world is full of fantasies.

And so, ends the first annual White Supremacist Parade with all the pomp and pageantry of the old Jim Crow south. But don’t be sad, because this parade is just the beginning. The people responsible for this new tradition are already hard at work, planning next year’s parade. And there is no need to wait until next Thanksgiving either, because starting on January 20, 2017, Mr. Trump had guaranteed that there will be a constant parade of buffoons and cartoon characters to entertain us each and every day for the next four years.

 

 

 

 

 

406

The Presidential transition ran into a major snag this week as President-elect Trump was informed that he, not a casting director, must form the government. An Administration official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the newly elected billionaire appeared to be in shock. The source told the Clown Car Update for Episode 406 of The TimCorrimal Show that at the meeting, the president-elect seemed blindsided at the revelation. “It’s a good thing the meeting was behind closed doors because it got ugly in a hurry”, the official said. As the president ran down a list of duties and responsibilities that the president-elect was required to perform daily, Trump’s pallor began to turn from bright to pale orange.  “It was really scary,” the official said, “as his eyes slowly rolled back in his head, his tiny hands clutched at his stomach, and he slid from the chair to the floor, out cold!”

The source described the scene as chaotic. Apparently, before passing out, the president elect became so upset that he soiled himself and vomited up an entire Happy Meal. The smell was so intense that the room had to be evacuated except for medical personnel. Apparently, the president-elect’s hairpiece rolled across the room and rested right on Biden’s shoe. “Talk about busting a gut,” the official laughed, “Joe kept wiggling the thing around on the tip of his shoe. It looked like one of those Tribbles on Star Trek.” According to our source, Joe Biden had to be treated in one of the outer offices for a stomach muscle strain he received from laughing so hard.

The White House thought it would be a good idea to call Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Bornstein, but were surprised to find out that he had suddenly left the country the day after the election. When medics were unable to revive the president-elect, Kellyanne Conway was summoned to the White House. Upon her arrival, she was escorted into the room where he was laying in the remains of his regurgitated Big Mac, gurgling something about “a disaster, bigly”. Without batting one of her false eyelashes, she began kicking the president-elect’s twitching body with her boots. “This happens all the time.” she was quoted as saying, seeming to enjoy the exercise, “every time someone tells him he actually won.” He seemed to respond to Conway’s kicks and was soon sitting up in his chair. As his tiny fingers clutched the edge of the chair, the orange color came back to his skin and Conway leaned in and whispered, “If you just get through this meeting I promise we will stop on the way home for some KFC.”

After Trump stopped shaking, the meeting resumed and President Obama offered to show Trump the presidential living quarters. With that, our source told us, Trump began to turn pale again. “You mean I have to live here,” he reportedly said and sank to the floor once again. “That should do it for today,” Conway informed the group, “just roll him into the limo and we’ll have to do this another time.” As they drove away, Conway could be heard screaming in the car, “For that, no Twitter the rest of the day!”

As Trump’s motorcade slipped from view, an aide remarked that it was a good thing that the public didn’t see that. Just then, President Obama glanced over at Joe Biden. “Just uploaded to YouTube,” Biden laughed.

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You (Not)!

Posted: November 17, 2016 in New Post

According to the pundit class, the lesson liberals should learn from last Tuesday’s nightmare is that we haven’t been sensitive enough to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. My question to the Chris Matthews of the world is this: Just what needs and concerns should I be paying attention to?
Is it the need to hate minorities and to indiscriminatingly shoot African-Americans in the street for having a broken taillight, or worse, just being them?
Is it the need to hate the LGBTQ community and deny them basic services because of a Bible written by some anonymous Neanderthal?
Is the need to commit violence on transgender people who simply want to use the bathroom?
Is it the need of men to treat women like chattel, baby machines with no rights to decisions about their own bodies? Or the need to excuse the sexual abuse of women as nothing more than locker room talk?
Is it the concern that civil society no longer finds their racism acceptable in a multicultural country?
Is it the concern that their belief in white supremacy no longer has the support of decent human beings?
Is it the concern of the alt-right white supremacists who now revel in the fact that one of their own will now have an office just a few feet from the Oval Office?
I have a message for the cable news pundits and political analysts who are now trying to justify and normalize the sewage that is about to contaminate the White House: I have no desire to hear their needs and concerns. I have heard them before, in the calls for more gun violence, the murders of black youth, the rise of white nationalism, and the cries for racial purity. I have listened to their need to tie gay people to a fence and beat them to death. I have listened to their need to abuse women and laugh about it on a bus. I have listened to their need to preserve their white privilege while at the same time whine when they are called what they are, racists.
Yes, I have listened to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. I have been in touch with many of them over the last fifteen months, and it has left me with nothing but the intense need to take a shower.

405

For Episode 405 of the Tim Corrimal Show, this is my pre-election rant!

On Tuesday, we will not only be choosing the next president, but if our democracy survives at all. No one can be sure for certain what the outcome will be, but we will certainly make history. Either we will elect our first woman president, or an arsonist. It is worth recounting how we got here.

On the Democratic side, we had Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, debating policy and looking for a better future for our country. On the republican side, we had what the Republicans thought was a “deep bench” with an abundance of talent. What it actually turned out to be was an overflowing cesspool. It was certainly deep, but with an abundance of what usually lurks in a sewer. The Democratic side, produced a candidate who is intelligent, meticulously prepared, eminently qualified, with a lifetime of serving our country. The Republican side produced what one would expect from a cesspool. And, as what commonly occurs when one overflows, the biggest turd rose to the top. If the Republicans were health conscious, they would have been concerned that their turd was orange and hairy. But as we all know, Republicans have no interest in health, and the hairy orange turd was the natural excretion of what the party’s base has been fed for decades.

The Republican nominee launched his campaign with a barrage of insults for emigrants, particularly Latinos, calling them rapist and drug dealers. He proposed building a wall across our entire southern border. Most reasonable observers thought that sppech would be the end of his presidential aspiration, but unfortunately it was just beginning. What followed was one of the ugliest candidacies in modern history aided and abetted by the MSM. This turd did and said everything that would push a normal stool back to the bottom of the cesspool. But ratings were good, so our living rooms were filled with his stench for fifteen months.

He insulted a female debate moderator for exposing his misogyny, implying she was on her period. He criticized prisoners of war for being captured, insulted the looks of another female candidate, and then another candidate’s wife. He implicated that same candidate’s father in the assassination of JFK, falsely claimed to have seen Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the day of 9/11, mocked a disabled reporter, and threatened to ban an entire religion from entering the United States. He has called for the assassination of his opponent, has encouraged his audience to beat up protesters, has called for the murder of the wives and children of suspected terrorists, and proposed to use torture in violation of U.S. law.

He has expressed admiration for brutal dictators, most notably Vladimir Putin, while denouncing our own president as weak. He has asked Russia to spy on our own government. He has expressed interest in advancing the expansion of Russian interests against our allies in NATO and has threatened to end that alliance altogether. He has a fascination with nuclear weapons and wonders why we don’t use them more often. He would even like to see them spread to other countries like Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. And like a person with road rage, he would start WWIII if another country’s sailors merely gestured the wrong way.

He acts like an adolescent bully, using social media to belittle anyone who disagrees with him and then laughably sends his wife out to pretend that as First Lady she will be a champion for his victims. He tells female reporters to “shut up,” and has encouraged his supporters to harass the press whose job it is to cover his campaign. He seeks to muzzle the press, end free speech, and jail his political opponent.

He claims to have the temperament to be trusted with our nuclear codes, but cannot control his compulsive use of Twitter to attack a former Miss Universe. He brags about sexually assaulting women, and when accused by twelve women of doing exactly what he bragged about, lies about it without a tinge of conscience, pretending he doesn’t know them. To him they are pigs, liars, and dogs. He thinks all African-Americans are jobless, murderous drifters living in a dystopia of their own making, and then promises to be their messiah.

The people running his campaign come from the bottom of the very cesspool that produced him. They are a cabal of right-wing conspiracy theorists, Russian sympathizers, white supremacists, John Birchers, misogynists, and unrepentant bigots. They are what used to be restricted to the sludge at the bottom of the cesspool but have attached themselves like parasites to the floating fuzzy orange turd. And they are spreading into our political system, polluting the very democracy that was for over two-hundred years our fountain of hope. And at the very end of his campaign of destruction, he has shamelessly colluded with the FBI, the very institution that is supposed to protect our citizens and insure justice, to spread his lies and conspiracy theories. He has done all of this while at the same time trying to convince voters that this turd doesn’t really smell that bad.

On Tuesday, you have a choice. You can vote for Hillary Clinton, or vote for this cesspool to flood our democracy. Worse, you can choose to do nothing, or use your vote as a protest, falsely believing that by burning down the house you won’t die in the fire.

On August 9, 1974, in his swearing-in speech, President Gerald Ford referred to the ordeal of Watergate and said, “My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.” I hope on Tuesday night we can echo those words with the election of Hillary Clinton. If not, our long national nightmare will be just beginning.