Archive for August, 2016

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On Episode 399 the Tim Corrimal Show we know that if you are an undocumented resident in the United States and have been listening to Donald Trump this week,  you have packed, unpacked, and packed your belongings repeatedly. On any given day, at any given hour, Trump would simultaneously give you amnesty and throw you back to Mexico over his big, beautiful wall. You might say he was the Trump version of Schrodinger’s cat, with his mass deportation program alive and dead all at the same time. But unlike Schrodinger’s cat, Trump is never one to get put in a box with a bottle of cyanide. The only poison in his campaign comes from the candidate himself and the alt-right bigots who run it. With his poll numbers shrinking faster than his penis in a cold shower, Donald and his new team of skin-heads decided to float the idea that perhaps he would soften his position and let some of the “good ones” stay, with the condition that they pay back taxes and sign a contract to attend Trump University.

The most bizarre moment came during a Sean Hannity Town Hall when Trump decided to leave the fate of eleven million souls in the hands of the mouth-foaming knuckle-draggers in the Hannity audience. He asked them to voice their approval for choice number one, throw them all out, or choice number two, let them stay.  It was a fascinating  glimpse into what the decision making process would be in the White House during a national crisis. So let’s travel into the future, where President Trump is fast asleep, dreaming of shopping the maternity ward for the next Mrs. Trump.

It’s 3:00AM and the White House hot-line rings. The president’s Chief of Staff, Ivanka Trump, answers and hears the panicked voice of Secretary of Defense, Rudy Giuliani.  Trying to compensate for the loss of his lower teeth, he spits out the news, “The Ruthians have invaded Florida peninthula!” Ivanka clarified, “You mean Russians?” “Yeth,” Giuliani replies. Immediately Ivanka springs into action, rifling through her closet, frantically trying to decided on a casual look, a white a camisole and a blue blouse with jeans or an off-white business suit, better for the press conference. Given the urgency of the moment, she decides to go casual and grabs a Prada clutch as a smart accessory. With the gait of a runway model, Ivanka enters the president’s bedroom and gently wakes the commander-in-chief. “Mr. President Dad, Secretary Rudy is on the phone and it’s urgent.” President Trump shakes her off, “I already told him his health plan will cover the Viagra. Now tell him to go away!” “No, no, that’s not it. The Ruthians, I mean Russians, have invaded Florida,” Ivanka explained.

Bolting up in the bed he was suddenly fully awake. “We have a golf course down there. I hope they didn’t walk all over the greens!” President Trump was frantic. He grabbed his smart phone and started to tweet, “The Russians are bad, pathetic dogs, and so corrupt that I will now start calling Putin Crooked Vladimir.” Ivanka informed him that the Joint Chief’s of Staff had already been notified, but that just annoyed the president. “The Joint Chief’s! To hell with the Joint Chief’s! What about the Hannity?!” “Already waiting in the bunker,” Ivanka assured him.

Down in the Situation Room, a large map was displayed showing the position of Russian troops. “Which one is Florida?” Trump is confused. “The one that looks like a large sock”, points Sarah Palin, secretary of the newly formed Geography Advisory Board. “I know because I’ve been studying maps all my life. Did you know I can see Alaska from my house?” she added. “That’s Florida?! I thought that was Scotland!” Trump grumbled. “Well, never mind, lets get to work!”

Sean Hannity, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Focus Groups, opens a secure video link to the Breitbart.com comments section. “Well, here it is, people, our first crisis. So, my question to you is, number one, do we let them stay in Florida?” The audience grumbled, obviously not liking that choice. “OK, number two, do we nuke the hell out of Florida?” Cheers and whoops and chants of USA! USA! filled the room. President Trump gravely asks for the football. Surgeon General Ben Carson hands him an autographed NFL football. “No that one, you idiot, the one with the codes. It’s not like this is brain surgery!” Trump was irritated, anxious to nuke his first target since being elected. He punched in the codes to launch the missiles.  “Bye-buy, little Marco, nice debating  you!” He seemed to relish the thought of Marco Rubio vaporized like a boiling bottle of Perrier. But no time for that now, the Russians and Florida were destroyed by the Alt-right focus group. After a few celebratory moments, Hannity turned to Trump and asked,  “What would you have done if they didn’t take choice number two?” Trump smiled, “That would never happen, Sean, because everything I do is number two!”

 

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This week on Episode 398 of The Tim Corrimal Show, the Hindenburg of political campaigns known as the Trump campaign burst into flames and came crashing to the ground. The first sign of trouble was when Trump realized that his floating bag of gas was losing altitude and his poll numbers were on fire. So he threw a life line to Steve Bannon of Breitbart News and pollster Kellyanne Conway. Just when everything seemed under control, Paul Manafort, a Russian spy, was discovered playing with matches in the engine room. Needing to lose ballast, Trump threw him off the ship on Friday. This all ended with the skeleton of the ship burning on the ground and cable news analysts crying over the devastation to their TV ratings. Trump later expressed regret, not for destroying all those lives, but that the fire had burned his poll numbers to a crisp. Oh, the humanity!

You would think that all this news earlier in the week would be dominating the headlines. But then the biggest surprise this week came Friday when archeologists in five cities made a fantastic discovery.  Simultaneously, in San Francisco, New York City, Cleveland, Seattle, and Los Angeles, evidence of an unknown branch of human evolution was discovered. Perfectly preserved specimens were found in all five cities, including one in Union Square in New York. Resembling an overweight and penis challenged Donald Trump, scientists quickly dubbed it Trumpus Micropenis, an extinct offshoot of Homo Non-Erectus.

The distinguishing characteristics of this new species is a large, protruding mid-section nearly obscuring a tiny and underdeveloped genitalia. The cranium seems to be rather out-sized for what is believed to have been vary small brain. Renee Costa, an archeologist with the Smithsonian Institute said, “He had a much bigger head than his brain size required, indicating that some physiological process caused his head to swell.” Other archaeologists pointed out that head swelling, often accompanied by abnormally tiny hands, is often is associated with the inability to grasp things. In addition, the outer cranium was totally devoid of hair, which the Micropenis apparently covered with primitive moss or animal pelts.

Additional features of the new humans ancestors included an orange tint to the skin, indicating some form of primitive camouflage. The skin was also particularly slimy, probably to enable the species to slip out of the grip of other bipeds when they were caught trying to steal things. Since there are only five known specimens, it is theorized that this branch became extinct almost as soon as it arose. Some scientists speculate that the small genitalia, along with the large stomach folds obscuring them, made it difficult for them to mate. Others disagree, pointing out that this creature was simply  repulsive, even to Neanderthal females.

The specimen found in Cleveland seems to have been the last of its kind and was apparently killed in a landslide caused by opposing tribes who felt threatened by its warlike tendencies. “It’s a good thing too,” Jeremy Cook, a psychological paleontologist from Columbia University pointed out. “It would have been a much uglier world if such a creature became the dominant species. I wouldn’t want to even think about it. To put it in layman’s terms, it would be like living in a world run by Donald Trumps!”

 

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Are you sick and tired of hearing something Donald Trump said, only to learn the next day that what you heard wasn’t what he said? Are you the kind of person that takes things literally when someone says he means it, literally? Do you have a difficult time detecting sarcasm? Is Donald Trump’s dog whistle humor too high in pitch for your ears to detect? Well, on Episode 397 of The Tim Corrimal Show we have a solution to all your interpretation difficulties that will save you time as well the embarrassment of sounding like Katrina Pierson. For this election cycle only, we are offering you Trumptionary, the all inclusive dictionary of Donald Trump’s words and phrases. Originally developed for the scholars at Trump University, this book is the definitive guide to what Donald Trump really means. Just look up a word or phrase when Trump speaks and you will really know what he meant to say. But don’t take our word for it, listen to these testimonials from actual users of this handy guide.

“I thought I heard Donald promise that my instructors at Trump University were hand picked by him personally. But when I looked up ‘picked personally’ in the Trumptionary, there it was in plain English that it means hired off the street with no qualifications whatsoever to teach real estate. Boy, was I fooled!” – Gene, White Plains, NY

“I was attending a Trump rally, and I thought I heard Donald say to punch the protestor next to me in the face. Good thing I checked my Trumptionary first. Turns out that ‘punch in the face’ really means to love and respect that person’s First Amendment rights!”  – Mike, Topeka, KS

“Talk about embarrassed. I was loading my Smith and Wesson to go out and shoot a politician when my neighbor asked me what I was doing. I told her what Donald Trump said about ‘Second Amendment remedies’ when she started to laugh and showed me her Trumptionary. There right on page 143 was the explanation. ‘Second Amendment remedies’ really means to get out and vote on election day. I saved a lot of good ammo that day!” – Elaine, Portland, OR

“After I heard Donald say that Barack Hussein Obama founded that filthy organization ISIS, I was so mad I stayed up all night writing a letter to my congressman demanding that he be impeached and tried for treason. Good thing I didn’t mail that letter. When my daughter asked my why I was up all night, I was stunned to find that ‘founded ISIS’ was sarcasm. If I only looked at my daughter’s copy of Trumptionary, I could have saved myself a sleepless night, not to mention the postage stamp!” – Coleen, Philadelphia, PA

First Trump signed the pledge. Then, when he got the nomination he promised he would become more ‘presidential’. Then a staffer gave me her copy of Trumptionary, and I nearly fell off my high horse! ‘Presidential’ means ‘buffoon’ and the word ‘pledge’ isn’t even in the Trumptionary!” – Reince, Kenosha, WI

If you act now, we will include our “Trumptionary” for PC or Mac. Just load it into your computer, put on your headphones, and never get fooled by a Trump rally speech again. With the software’s handy rewind feature, you can listen to the speech over and over and always get the latest interpretation in the actual voice of Rudy Giuliani. Don’t miss this fantastic offer by the people who brought you the Republican thesaurus,”Word Twister”. Operators are standing by and don’t forget to say the code words “Just Kidding” and get an extra 20% off the purchase price. Actually, we don’t really discount anything. You heard that wrong. After all, who you gonna believe, your own ears or Trumptionary?”

 

 

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This week on Episode 396 of The Tim Corrimal Show, it’s abandon ship for the GOP! Since his disastrous post convention meltdown, Trump has seen his ship, along with his poll numbers, sink faster than Paul Ryan’s career. While Speaker Ryan is stubbornly standing with Captain Cheeto, other GOP rats, sensing their imminent drowning, are leaving the ship to seek the safety of the Democratic Party. This mass GOP defection, which this week included Meg Whitman, Bush aide Sally Bradshaw, and New York congressman Richard Hanna, has presented the D.N.C. with some unexpected challenges. As brilliantly outlined by Andy Borowitz in this week’s New Yorker magazine, the exodus is causing a refugee crisis never before experienced by D.N.C. staff. In an effort to thoroughly vet the incoming asylum seekers, the D.N.C. has developed a psychological profiling questionnaire to help screen the applicants in order to place them in the proper deprogramming level. Here at the Clown Car we have obtained a copy of the questionnaire.


Thank you for seeking asylum at the D.N.C. We are aware that transitioning  from the fact free environment of the GOP to a data filled world can cause serious mental distress. As a result, we have employed professional deprogrammers who are prepared to bring you back to the world of reality. This questionnaire will help our staff evaluate you mental state in order make your return to sanity as fast as possible, so please answer all questions honestly.

  1. When did you become a republican?
    1. Less than one year ago
    2. 1-5 years ago
    3. After a massive head injury
  2. As a member of the republican party, have you ever:
    1. Worn a three pointed hat
    2. Worn a foam Lady Liberty crown
    3. Seen Jesus on a piece of toast
  3. Have you ever been treated for the following:
    1. Obama Derangement Syndrome (ODS)
    2. Minority aversion
    3. Meka Brezinski virus
    4. David Vitter Dermatitis ( commonly known as Diaper Rash)
    5. Clinton Derangement Syndrome (CDS)
    6. Afluenza
    7. Benghazi Fever
  4. Have you ever endorsed Donald Trump?
    1. If your answer is yes, please attach proof that you have rescinded your endorsement and have been treated by medical professionals.
  5. How often do you watch Fox News?
    1. Once a week
    2. Three times a week
    3. My retina has been permanently damaged.
  6. Do you believe any of the following:
    1. Obama was born in Kenya
    2. Hilary Clinton killed Vince Foster and buried him in the Rose Garden
    3. Hilary Clinton organized and led the attack on our outpost in Benghazi
    4. Trump is a good businessman
    5. Michelle Obama is a man
    6. The Obama dogs are Muslim sympathizers
    7. Vaccines causes homosexuality
    8. Earth was created in 1980 by Ronald Reagan
  7. Climate change is:
    1. Backed up by scientific evidence
    2. A result of too many trees
    3. A liberal plot to take away my guns
  8. Upon seeing a homeless person, you would:
    1. Search your pockets for empty change
    2. Offer to take them for a meal
    3. Kick them and tell them it’s their own fault for not having a 401(k) like youn
  9. Have you ever been the GOP candidate for president?
  10. Are you or have you ever been the Speaker of the House?
  11. Are you capable of conversation that does not include:
    1. Defecit
    2. Less government
    3. Less regulation
    4. Tax cuts
    5. States rights
    6. The second amendment
    7. Liberty
    8. Any reference to Alex Jones
  12. Have you ever plagiarized a Michelle Obama speech?
  13. List highest level of education
    1. High school
    2. College
    3. Post graduate
    4. Trump University
  14. If you were in a public place where there was a crying baby, you would:
    1. Be tolerant and tell the parent it’s no problem
    2. Offer to hold the baby
    3. Punch the parent and tell them to get the baby out of here

After your initial screening, you will be assigned a counselor who will reacquaint you with science, math, and reading. If you are a former member of the Tea Party, personal hygiene will be added to your sessions.  Upon completion of your seminars, you will be given a certificate of completion with the full text of Ted Cruz’s 2016 GOP convention speech not endorsing Donald Trump.


So for all the disaffected republicans seeking to flee the scourge of Donald of Orange, there is hope. The D.N.C has opened it hearts and doors to the poor wandering souls escaping the smoldering ruins of their party. And for those like Paul Ryan and John McCain, who  are still trying to save the ship, a warning: Abandon ship because Captain Don left you a long time ago.