Archive for January, 2018


Wisconsin is best known for cheese, which is made from sour milk. It is also known for Scott Walker and Paul Ryan, which were made from sour politicians. This week, we can add to that list Sen. Ron Johnson, a sour politician with a cheesy conspiracy theory. On Tuesday, Johnson took his X-File to Fox News or as you may know it, the SyFy Network, to reveal that Donald Trump is the victim of a vast conspiracy by forces inside the FBI to take him down. No, not the forces inside Donnie’s head that push his tiny fingers on Twitter. We are talking the “deep state”. Given the seriousness of the allegation, the Clown Car felt it our duty to investigate the “secret society” Johnson claimed was working its dark force. What we found will shock you.

We started by contacting Johnson’s office who instructed us to go to a dumpster behind Ping Pong Pizza and look for a pair of Ivanka Trump shoes. We were to look inside the shoes for instructions. Along with a note that read “Help, we are chained to a shoe factory in Bangladesh” was a note that read, “Go inside and ask for a “Stormy Daniels” pizza.

Inside, we found out that a “Stormy Danials” was a pizza with two large melons garnished with a tiny sausage. Under one of the melons were instructions to go to the men’s room and tell the attendant you were there for a number two. He led us to stall number two where instead of a commode were a set of stairs leading to the basement. At the bottom of the stairs, a man that looked like George Soros asked us for the passphrase, which was “Into titties”.  What we saw next was shocking!

The room was packed with FBI agents wearing “Hillary for America” tee-shirts and to hide their identity wore “Saul Alinsky” masks. On the wall was a floor to ceiling poster of Donald J. Trump. Each part of his body was marked with notations. The head read “Where a brain would normally be” and the area near the groin read simply “Missing genitalia”.  His hair had the instructions “Piss here”.

Each agent was working on a different project. One was developing a chocolate cake that made you fart from your mouth. Another was working on Diet Coke that made you constantly sniff and say “United Shates”. Off in a corner, Russian hookers were peeing on mattresses while a fat Donald stand-in kept saying, “Make America wet again!”  In the back of the room were three burly FBI agents loading crates of ice cream and ketchup that they claimed made you tweet stupid things in the middle of the night.

The Clown Car investigators were startled to find that everything Sen Johnson said was true. There is a secret society plotting the takedown of the president.  And as we left, we passed a door marked “Private: Special Prosecutor” and next to it a row of orange jumpsuits size triple-X.

Next week we follow a tip by congressman Steve King and visit an FBI lab where agents are producing creatures that are half human with calves the size of cantaloupes!


On Friday, January 12, the mass of lard and body odour known as Donald Trump had his annual physical. As with everything else in the Trump cult, his physician, Dr Ronny Jackson was so impressed with the results that he could hardly contain himself. In case you missed his press conference on Tuesday, here is his glowing, over-the-top assessment:

Hello. I’m Dr Ronny Jackson and on this past Friday, I was given the privilege and honor, of giving a physical exam to what can only be described as the most perfect specimen medical science has ever documented.  We were aware of President Trump’s high IQ and stamina, but no one on the medical team expected what we witnessed. I will go through some of the details now and later I will take questions.


The president’s temperature was 98.6 degrees, but believe me, the female members of the medical team in attendance thought he was much hotter! It must have been the split in the back of his hospital gown. He measured 75 inches but in my eyes, he is so much taller than that. At two hundred and thirty-nine pounds he is a hunka-hunka burnin’ love!


The president’s urine was clear. It came in three flavors:  peach and raspberry Snapple and diet Coke. An examination of the president’s urinary function found that he can pee a distance of over fifty feet, an incredible skill he developed during the Miss America Pagent in Moscow. He was born with an extra kidney so that in the unlikely event he needs one, he can actually donate his own kidney to himself.

Reproductive organs

We nicknamed it “The Whale”. Enough said. A microscopic examination of the president’s spermatozoa found the most athletic, intelligent, and best-looking sperm ever observed. The sample we examined were actually working on string theory forming math equations with their tails. They were orange tinged with color and one named Eric kept swimming in a circle.

Gastrointestinal exam

The medical team felt no need to perform a colonoscopy since there have been so many people crawling up the president’s ass the past year and no one reported a problem. Upon examination of stool  we enjoyed Ben and Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey” and Häagen-Dazs Brownie a la Mode.

Cardiopulmonary exam

The president had a big heart.  His heart rhythm was perfect, to which the president remarked: “not bad for a white guy.” There were no racist sentiments found. He has an unusual but efficient heart structure with no left and all right ventricles.

A cognitive screening exam was done and the president had a perfect score, the highest score possible. In the test, he easily distinguished images of a pig, a cow, a horse, and a Russian hooker.  He identified the biggest numbers and repeated the best words. He was able to draw three stick figures with large breasts counted down from two to one.  He is rated a stable genius.

In summery, the president is in excellent health and will reamin in excellent health for the remainder of the Twenty-First Century. We discussed some life style changes such as cutting down to six KFC buckets a day. The president also agreed to get more exercise and to that goal called Stormy Daniels.

After the press briefing, the Clown Car spoke with members of the medical team who agreed to talk off the record.  They all agreed that the information given to the public was basically horse shit and that Trump is nothing more than two hundred eighty pounds of animal fat with a mouth. One health provider who assisted with the exam said it took an hour to figure out where his stomach ended and his thighs began. One doctor said, “finding his genitalia under all those folds was impossible. Finally, we just had him pee and we followed the stream!” As far as a colonoscopy, they had this to say: “There were two orifices, and they both were full of shit.”


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