Archive for January, 2018

456.2

Are you having trouble recruiting white immigrants? Do applicants from shithole countries keep clogging your inbox? Do you wish that all your applicants looked like they work at Fox News? Well, your troubles are over because now there is WhiteRecruiter! WhiteRecruiter is the easy way to keep black and brown people from infiltrating your lily-white country.

WhiteRecruiter put you in touch with millions of pure white immigrants from the whitest countries possible. We have people ready to go from Norway, Sweeden, Iceland, Greenland, Denmark, and Finland. And if that is not white enough for you, we have immigrants from the Faroe Islands where they have not seen melanin in over five thousand years!

Here’s how WhiteRecruiter works. First, we eliminate any applications from the African continent. Then, we eliminate people from Haiti who all have AIDS as well as most of South America, the Carribean Islands, Samoa, and Puerto Rico. I know what you are thinking: “Puerto Rico? But that’s part of the United States!” Well, not to Trump! Next, we ask all applicants to submit DNA test results to verify that they do not have even the most remote relationship with anyone south of the Arctic Circle. Then they are carefully interviewed by the members of Fox and Friends for a complete whitewashing.

Just listen to some of the testimonials from users of WhiteRecruiter:

Before WhiteRecruiter, I would spend most of my day lying to Jake Tapper about why people of color were not qualified to work in the White House. Now, with WhiteRecruiter, all I see is white, white, white all day. Thanks,WhiteRecruiter! – KellyAnn Conway

WhiteRecruiter is absolutely amazing! I never knew that so many Norwegians wanted to come to the United States. I thought they loved eating fish and living in the dark for six months a year! – Sarah Huckabee

I’ve dreamed of something like WhiteRecruiter all my life. I wish we had WhiteRecruiter when we were writing the Muslim Travel Ban. – Stephen Miller

With WhiteRecriuter, we are keeping all the wrong people in their huts where they belong! – John Kelly

Yes, WhiteRecruiter has been helping the White House keep out the hut dwellers and make America great again with a basket of lily-white deporables. So keep those undesirables out of your inbox and in their shithole huts.  UseWhiteRecruiter for all your immigration needs. And coming soon, WhiteAncestryDNA to be assured your DNA is shithole free and white!

455

It was the divorce of the century. On one side, a career driven parent trying to prove that he could become the greatest of his peers. On the other, a parent dedicated to his cause but driven by the demons of wanting to have a career of his own. Caught in the middle of this struggle is the innocent little child, watching his parents tear his world apart. No, I am not talking about the plot from the Best Picture of 1979, Kramer vs Kramer. I am talking about the brutal breakup of Steve Bannon and his soul mate, Donald J. Trump. And, as in all messy divorces, the court is asked to divide up the property and decide the fate of the children. The Clown Car has obtained the divorce decree in this matter, Trumpy vs Trumpy:

Divorce

IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that Steve “Sloppy” Bannon, Petitioner, and Donnie “Doe Boy” Trump are divorced and that the marriage between them is dissolved on the ground of mutual stupidity.

Children of the Marriage

The Court finds that there are several children of the marriage and their custody is decided as follows:

  1. Mitch McConnel – a child of the marriage to be remanded to the Northern Virginia Tortois Rescue Facility until custodial possession is obtained by Secretary of Transportation Elaine Chao.
  2. Paul Ryan – A child of the marriage remanded to the Ayn Rand Institute to be made eligible for adoption.
  3. Eric Trump – A child of the marriage to be remanded to the cast of Saturday Night Live Weekend Update.
  4. Jared Kushner – To be remanded to the custody of Benjamin Netanyahu.
  5. Ivanka Trump – To be remanded to her birth mother Ivana Trump along with her entire line of cheesey shoes, dresses, and fashion accessories.
  6. Donald Trump Jr. – To be remanded to his Russian handlers until permanent custody can be arranged with Vladimir Putin.
  7. Sarah Huckabee Sanders – To be remanded to her birth father, Lucifer, the Father of Lies.
  8. Kellyanne Conway – To be remanded to the custody of the Shutter Island Institute for the Criminally Insane.

Division of Marital Estate

Property to Donald J. Trump:

IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that Donald is awarded the following property:

  1. The child size desk in the Oval Office complete with all toys and colouring books.
  2. A case of Diet Coke, two hundred gallons of ice cream, a life membership in Kentucky Fried Chicken Bucket of the Day Club.
  3. Souvenir wrappers from McDonald’s Big Macs and Fish Fillet sandwiches consumed during the presidential election campaign of 2016.
  4. All size “small” winter gloves.
  5. All personal grooming items including but not limited to wigs, hairspray, tanning spray, and hairpieces, and bottles of Essence of Putin Perfume.
  6. All videotapes titled “Golden Showers: Russian Edition”.
  7. An envelope titled “Indictments”.

Property to Bannon

IT IS ORDERED AND DECREED that Steven “Sloppy” Bannon is awarded the following property:

  1. Roy Moore
  2. Alabama
  3. The “Make America Great Again” T-Shirt business.
  4. Jeff Sessions’ recusal letter
  5. All toiletries and personal care items belonging to Bannon including flea collars, tick spray, lice combs, and nose hair wax.
  6. An autographed first edition of “Fire and Fury”
  7. A red and rust 1979 Ford Pinto with a “I Can Suck My Own C***K” bumper sticker.
  8. A Brietbart.com Empoyee 401k
  9. A basket of deplorbles.

Of course, as in most messy divorces, the court cannot solve all the problems and scars left behind and the case of Trumpy vs Trumpy is no different. In the end, there is one issue that is yet to be resolved: Who will end up with Robert Mueller?