Archive for September, 2017

443

On Thursday, Axios reported that Sean Spicer was known to have taken copious notes during his career, including his time as White House Press Secretary. Those notes will be what Axios describes as a “honey pot” of information that the Meuller team will undoubtedly be interested in reading. The Clown Car was able to discover some of the revelations contained in those notes:

  • As part of his job as press secretary, Spicer was expected to clean up after the president played with his Leggos.
  • Trump never wore pants in the Oval Office.
  •  Steve Bannon would often give Sean a wedgie right before a press briefing, accounting for his frequent foul moods
  • Trump once spent an entire day trying to call the prime minister of Nambia.
  • After every conversation with Putin, Trump would wet himself.
  • During that famous press briefing the day after the inauguration, Spicer was wearing a suit he borrowed from Chris Christie.
  • Donald Trump’s pajamas have a picture of  Vladimir Putin’s on the trap door.
  • When Donald Trump was unhappy with one of Spicer’s performances, he would have Kelly Anne Conway repeatedly kick him in the balls.
  • Mike Pence’s hair is actually made from dryer lint.
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a computer-generated image.
  • Before hiring Anthony Scaramucci, Donald Trump offered the job of Communications Director to “Snooky” Polizzi.
  • Last Easter, Reince Priebus once tried to escape the White House by hiding in Sean Spicer’s bunny costume.
  • Kelly Anne Conway once ate the liver of one of her staffers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  • John Kelly made Steve Bannon wear a flea and tick collar.

On July 21, Sean Spicer became unemployed, ending an epic run of six months. As far as future employment, Sean will be appearing daily on Times Square as Yosemite Sam, so be sure to tip him.

 

 

442

Ted Cruz likes porn, this according to…well…Ted Cruz. Late Monday, Ted pressed the like button to place a “heart” expressing his approval of a pornographic video that included two women and a man. The Clown Car can confirm that the man was not Ted Cruz. However, as previously reported here on the Clown Car Update, college roommates have told us that he did have definite tastes in his masturbatory repertoire. So we asked his roommates to give us more detail of the kind of porn sites Ted used to make his putter flutter. Here’s a partial list of what they told us:

BibleBimbos.com: Re-live Ted’s favorite sex stories from his favorite book, the Bible. See just how big Jonah’s whale really was. Read just what a burning bush really means. And see what else Moses was able to do with his magic staff. If you like Bible stories like Ted Cruz, you will love this site. Just don’t stare at it too long, or your pillar may turn to salt!

TexasTarts.com: Nothing is bigger than Texas porn site and this one can show you more positions than Donald Trump on an early morning tweetstorm. So do like Ted does and grab your panhandle and squeeze hard and enjoy the Lone Star porn stars! And remember, in Ted’s Texas, size does matter!

PaisleyPleasure.com: This one is inspired by Ted’s famous paisley robe from his college masturbation days. Take a nostalgic XXX tour of the early 90s when Ted was keeping his roommate awake with his squeaky mattress and sticky keyboard. Just click on the shaking bunkbed and away you go! You can enjoy all the porn videos that put a lump in Ted’s paisley robe.

ChokingtheChicken.com: Relax PETA, there are no real chickens being chocked on this site, just little Ted’s. On it, Ted Cruz himself shares some of his favorite masturbatory techniques which include “The Noah Flood” and “Shake the Bunkbed” If you plan to use that last one, you might want to ask your roommate to sleep somewhere else that night. As Ted warns, it might be a bumpy ride for the guy in the top bunk.

RightWingFlings.com: WARNING: All the men on this site look like Sean Hannity and all the women look like Ann Coulter. Click on this site and among the moans and grunts you will always hear someone whispering, “a little to the right!” If you are a Tea Bagger (and you wouldn’t be here if you haven’t done some teabagging) this one Ted has picked especially for you. Video titles include “Footsie at the Airport” and “Diaper Desire” While you romp through these videos, try to pick out your Senator or Congressman. He’s in there somewhere.

TrickleDown.com: This tempting porn treat comes with a warning: Put a plastic cover on the keyboard because this site will make a big splash! Inspired by the famous Steele Dossier, this website is dedicated to Golden Showers. All the girls on this are Russian and all the men are fat and look like Donald Trump. In fact, they look exactly like Donald Trump. I guess you can say that this is Ted’s favorite “streaming” site.

These are just a few of the many websites Ted has enjoyed and over the years. Many of them have received the highest award given to Ted Cruz porn sites, his Facebook “PeePee” Award. All Ted asks is that if you enjoy his choices, go over to his Facebook page and give him a “like” to let him know you came.

 

 

 

 

441

The Ballad of Chuck and Nancy

There was a young lady named Nancy
Whose head the Republicans fancied
She was smart, she was quick
She was really quite slick
If you crossed her your life got real chancy

And then there was Senator Chuck
Who was recently down on his luck
His majority lost
He was feeling the cost
Of a Senate that really did suck

One day Trump was elected our POTUS
And he put the whole country on notice
That with him as the head
Now Obamacare’s dead
And we’d never receive what was owed us

Mitch McConnell then whipped up a bill
To make Congress bend to his will
But the bill was defeated
And Mitch, he retreated
To swallow a big bitter pill

Then Harvey turned cities to moats
And people were rescued in boats
Trump said, “I’ll get you cash”
Mitch said, “Hey not so fast”
“I don’t think I could get all those votes”

Chuck and Nancy were sitting there still
Then said, “We can deliver a bill”
“In exchange for a deal,”
“Why it’s really a steal”
“You just have to bend to our will!”

Mitch and Ryan began to sweat
Trump said, “Chuck, you guys have a plan I would bet”
Chuck said, “Raise the debt ceiling”
Nancy said, “DACA healing”
Trump exclaimed,”That’s is it, we’re all set!”

Well the Tea Baggers’ faces turned red
They declared, “Mitch and Ryan are dead!”
“This is treason!”, they screamed
“This is one long, bad dream!”
“Mitch and Ryan, off with their heads!”

But Trump was as pleased as could be
‘Cause the press they just loved it, you see
Chuck and Nancy prevailed
Where the Teabaggers failed
And Trump smiled as he watched his TV

All the pundits were praising
Chuck and Nancy were raving
Of how POTUS and they made a deal
Mitch sat licking his wounds
Ryan sulked in his room
Watching their leadership caving

But don’t make a big fuss
For the lesson for us
Is just how Chucklosi succeeded
Just make Trump look like gold
And he’ll always be sold
Throwing Ryan and Mitch under the bus!