Archive for March, 2015

This week Sen. Ted Cruz,  resident alien and newly announced candidate for president, compared his denial of climate change to the accomplishments of Galileo Galilei. On Episode 328 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we explore the similarities between Ted and Galileo to see if they hold up to closer scrutiny. So here is how Ted Cruz stacks up to the great Galileo.

  • Galileo invented the telescope to look at the stars in the heavens.
    • Ted Cruz invented a presidential campaign to become a star on Fox News
  • Galileo believed that the earth revolved around the sun
    • Ted Cruz believes that the earth revolves around him
  • Galileo discovered the moons of Jupiter
    • Ted Cruz was mooned by Rand Paul supporters
  • Galileo practiced the scientific method
    • Ted Cruz had to practice kissing his wife
  • Galileo collected data to validate scientific theories
    • Ted Cruz collects PAC money to repeat conspiracy theories
  • Galileo was ordered to read psalms as part of his sentence
    • Ted Cruz forced Liberty University students to listen to his speech as part of their sentence
  • Galileo developed the principle of flotation
    • Ted Cruz developed the principle of bloviation
  • Galileo developed the laws of falling bodies
    • Ted Cruz is about to discover the law of falling polls
  • The principles espoused by Galileo are still in use in the 21st Century
    • The principles Ted Cruz espouses haven’t been used since the 10th Century
  • Galileo was considered the father of modern science
    • Ted Cruz has a father who is considered a nut
  • Galileo believed that the tides were caused by the sloshing back and forth of water due to the rotation of earth
    • Ted Cruz’ ideas are believed to be caused by water sloshing back and forth on his brain
  • Galileo’s beliefs put him under house arrest
    • Ted Cruz’ beliefs give republicans cardiac arrest
  • Galileo was buried in a small room next to a chapel
    • Ted Cruz’ campaign will be buried in a small hole next to “The Rent Is Too Damn High” guy.

Besides learning of the striking similarities between Ted and Galileo, we also learned from Ted how absolutely frightening it is to go to Princeton. According to Ted it was sort of like going to Afghanistan, only in New Jersey. The horrors of Princeton obviously left Ted in a delusional state. The good news is that there are generous mental health benefits under his new Obamacare policy.

This week, self-described prophet and killer of innocent ducks once again shared his thoughts with the world. This time he chose to share his fantasy of raping and dismembering women in front of their husband and father.  Well, that’s if the family was full of atheists. According to Phil, the only thing stopping him or anyone from living out this obsession is the Good Book and Jesus. Otherwise, lock your doors when you hear a duck call.

Now I can’t be too sure if Phil ever cracked that book open for a moment and actually read what is in it. But I took the opportunity to scan it briefly and found this nugget that sounds eerily like Phil’s fantasy.  I found this passage on BibleGateway.com. It’s from Judges 19:16-29:

16 That evening an old man from the hill country of Ephraim, who was living in Gibeah (the inhabitants of the place were Benjamites), came in from his work in the fields. 17 When he looked and saw the traveler in the city square, the old man asked, “Where are you going? Where did you come from?”

18 He answered, “We are on our way from Bethlehem in Judah to a remote area in the hill country of Ephraim where I live. I have been to Bethlehem in Judah and now I am going to the house of the Lord.[a] No one has taken me in for the night. 19 We have both straw and fodder for our donkeys and bread and wine for ourselves your servants—me, the woman and the young man with us. We don’t need anything.”

20 “You are welcome at my house,” the old man said. “Let me supply whatever you need. Only don’t spend the night in the square.” 21 So he took him into his house and fed his donkeys. After they had washed their feet, they had something to eat and drink.

22 While they were enjoying themselves, some of the wicked men of the city surrounded the house. Pounding on the door, they shouted to the old man who owned the house, “Bring out the man who came to your house so we can have sex with him.”

23 The owner of the house went outside and said to them, “No, my friends, don’t be so vile. Since this man is my guest, don’t do this outrageous thing. 24 Look, here is my virgin daughter, and his concubine. I will bring them out to you now, and you can use them and do to them whatever you wish. But as for this man, don’t do such an outrageous thing.”

25 But the men would not listen to him. So the man took his concubine and sent her outside to them, and they raped her and abused her throughout the night, and at dawn they let her go. 26 At daybreak the woman went back to the house where her master was staying, fell down at the door and lay there until daylight.

27 When her master got up in the morning and opened the door of the house and stepped out to continue on his way, there lay his concubine, fallen in the doorway of the house, with her hands on the threshold. 28 He said to her, “Get up; let’s go.” But there was no answer. Then the man put her on his donkey and set out for home.

29 When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.

To sum up, a kind, god fearing old man, a believer, offers a traveler, another believer, the comfort of his home. He is rewarded by having his traveler’s wife taken by a mob, raped all night, and left dead on his doorstep in the morning, Then, the traveler takes her corpse home, dismembers it, and mails her body parts all over Israel. What makes this story even uglier, if that’s possible,  is that later God organizes an army with sharp swords and slings and a war ensues!

Wow. Phil, that’s some book you keep waving in our noses. I guess you read those stories to your children at bedtime?  It would explain a lot.  One thing your good book does illustrate is that evil can strike anyone, believer or non-believer. Evil is an equal opportunity psychopath.  How do I know, Phil? The bible tells me so!

An article in today’s New York Times, Michael S, Schmidt gives us a hint of what we should expect in the remaining 595 days left until we elect a new president. It will be a Clinton bashing fest, complete with whispers, rumors, innuendo, and false scandals. The email kerfuffle started by an Times’ ill researched hit piece was the first salvo in what promises to be an unrelenting assault on Hilary and anything Clinton.

Today’s article, coincidentally by the same reporter, is typical of the type of “journalism” we can expect not only from the right wing fringe on Fox News, but in a main stream press who have for decades now considered the Clintons as “the usual suspects” in crimes undetermined.  Written to imitate reporting, the reporter cannot escape his own prejudices in the phraseology he uses. For example, while admitting that the emails she sent to the Benghazi committee contained no evidence of wrongdoing, he injects this plum:

they did show that Mrs. Clinton’s top aides at times corresponded with her about State Department matters from their personal email accounts, raising questions about her recent assertions that she made it her practice to email aides at their government addresses so the messages would be preserved, in compliance with federal record-keeping regulations. [emphasis mine]

“Raising questions”? By whom? You, Mr. Schmidt? This is a clever and not so subtle way that this and other reporters sway the reader into beleiving that there is something sinister going on in Clinton Land, but we just can’t put our finger on it. Later in the article, he further leads the reader to believe in the shady side of Ms. Clinton when he refers to

…her elusive email personality…

Elusive if you want it to seem that way. Of course, every other candidate from Jeb Bush to Scott Walker are presumed to be hiding nothing when they too have been very selective in which emails they allowed to be made public. But of course, the Clintons are shady characters. Just ask Ken Starr.

As he concludes the article, he adds this gem for the conspiracy minded,

Some may not be satisfied with that explanation or the records Mrs. Clinton has provided.

“Some”, the ethereal experts that Fox News offers to cement the evidence in the tin foil brains of their foaming-at-the-mouth viewers. We have become accustomed to the Fox News fiasco, but in the past few years it has become disconcerting that what we used to rely on for objective reporting has fallen into the trap of the “both sides do it” syndrome. And worse yet, in the case of the Clintons, the never ending suspicion that somewhere, there are bodies buried.

Sometimes our view of the world depends on how you are looking at it. For Dick Cheney, that would be hanging upside down in a cave. So it’s no surprise that in his latest interview in Playboy Magazine, we find that in the Cheney universe, up is down and down is up. Today on Episode 327 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the Clown Car takes a look at some of the questions he was asked and what we may conclude from his answers.

The Clinton presidency never happened.

Q. Do you feel Obama, either intentionally or inadvertently, has undone your and President Bush’s work?  

A. Oh absolutely. Where do you start?

Somewhere in the Cheney universe, he and George Bush created a utopian America, where 9/11, two endless wars, and an epic economic collapse never happened.  For that to be true, George W. Bush had to have been president in another decade, a prosperous decade of economic growth and relative peace. Now, the last time that happened was between 1993 and 2000. So we must conclude that Bush, not Clinton was president in the 90’s.

The Korean and Vietnam Wars never happened

Q. What could the Obama administration be doing right now….to repel Putin in Eastern Ukrain?

A. ..since the end of World War II [it is true] that United States leadership in the world produces a far more peaceful, less hostile world and greater prosperity.

Yes, the Korean and Vietnam wars were quit tranquil, nothing to see here but peace and prosperity, so move along.

DUI’s are not a bad thing

Q. How bad were [your] actual DUIs?  

A. Not bad. I mean, I was driving at the time and I had been drinking

So DUI’s are not bad if you separate the drinking from the driving.  Of course if you separate the drinking from the driving, you avoid the DUI in the first place.

Yale’s affirmative action program includes the dull children of ex-presidents

Q. Have you given some thought to how life would have been different had you not flunked out of Yale? 

A. [There was a story] George W. Bush told at commencement at Yale in 2001. Of course, he was a graduate. And he told…the graduating class of 2001, “If you graduate from Yale with a gentleman’s C, you can become president of the United States.

I guess gentleman’s C is Yale’s way of making it appear that George W. Bush actually achieved something while he was there, sort of like a “Mission Accomplished” banner with a diploma attached.

He may not have even been vice president

Q.  Your critics call [your interogation] techniques torture. To your knowledge, was President Bush briefed about the actual methods that were to be employed? 

A. I believe he was.

He believes, but he’s not sure. Or maybe he was there and no one could see him, like when he stands in front of a mirror.

He’s running out of money

Q. What could the Obama administration be doing right now…. to repel Putin in Eastern Ukraine…. ?

A. First and foremost, we’ve got to rebuild the military.

Apparently his Halliburton profit sharing has not been doing so well since we stopped invading countries for imaginary reasons.

Torture is in the eye of the beholder

Q. What do you say to those who argue that the measures you and President Bush put in place to defend America after 9/11 were unlawful?

A. …we bent over backward to adhere to the law

Literally bent over backwards, you know, like on a board… with a cloth over your face… pouring water into your mouth.

So that’s the upside down world of Dick Cheney. Funny how different the world can be when your hanging upside down in a cave. But, as they used to sing about the Adams family,

He’s sneaky and he’s kooky, mysterious and spooky,

he’s altogether ooky, Dick Cheney you’re a creep!.

 

The 1% Solution

Posted: March 17, 2015 in New Post

A few days ago Tim Corrimal sent me a link to a poignant article that chronicled the lives of real life workers at a Hardee’s restaurant. This wasn’t the Hardee biscuit line of Joni Ernst. This wasn’t an “up from the bootstraps” story of rags to senate riches designed to justify the ruthless policies of the Ayn Rand cult. No, this was the story of real people living and struggling to survive on minimum or near minimum wage. They are not lazy or dependent as GOP myth would have you believe. They have real families, real responsibilities, and real dreams. They struggle every day to make ends meet and provide for their loved ones, and yet remain dedicated to their job and their customers. They are the working poor. They are the real job creators. They are the backbone of America.

Yet again today, another GOP voice, one of elite privilege, one with a dynastic family name, came out in opposition to the minimum wage. Jeb Bush, of the WMD/Mission Accomplished Bushes, today had this to say”

“We need to leave it to the private sector,” he responded. “I think state minimum wages are fine. The federal government shouldn’t be doing this.” He went on, “The federal government doing this will make it harder and harder for the first rung of the ladder to be reached, particularly for young people, particularly for people that have less education.”

Leave it to the private sector, the same private sector who gave us junk bonds, credit default swaps, and predator lending. Leave it to the states, the same states who decided to go to war to preserve the right to keep human beings as personal property.  Leave it to the corporations, the same corporations who poison our air and foul our water only to take profit, but never responsibility. For people earning minimum wage, that rung of the ladder is the last one they ever climb.

Mr. Bush’s comment is laughable. In the Bush universe, the Federal government, by enforcing a minimum wage, is just making it harder on the working poor. He wants you to believe, contrary to the facts, that by giving the working poor more money, we make them poorer. If your head is spinning right now, don’t be surprised. The Bushes always ask us to believe in the oxymoronic. War will bring peace, cutting taxes will increase revenue, and starving children will make them stronger.

The first Bush called his approach “a thousand points of light”. The second Bush called it “compassionate conservatism”. What this Bush will ultimately call his agenda is still to be determined. Maybe “loving indifference”, “hateful caring”, or what it is, “The Cult of Cruelty”.  However he decides to guild it, the results will be the same for the employees of Hardee’s. They will continue to work hard, dream big, and most likely never leap from the biscuit line to the senate. They will spend their entire lives standing on the first rung of the ladder looking up at Jeb.

This week on Episode 326 of The Tim Corrimal Show I presented my interpretation of the GOP’s letter to Iran:

An open letter to the leaders of the Islamic Republic of Iran

It has come to our attention while observing your nuclear negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand the republican party. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our party — the blind hatred we have for President Obama and our party’s insistence on demonstrating our stupidity on a global scale  — both which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.

First, since our country passed the Civil Rights and the Voting Rights Acts, republicans have deeply resented having to share our country with minorities. Things were simple before meddling liberals insisted on guaranteeing everyone equal rights thus starting us on a slippery slope. Just as gay marriage leads to polygamy, so equal rights led to the illegitimate presidency of Barack Obama. To make matters worse, he secretly is a Muslim. Now, you must appreciate the irony in that! A Muslim negotiating with his fellow Muslims. So you should be warned that whatever this Kenyan anti-colonialist is promising we will negate with the stroke of a burning cross. Every so often we chose a new leader. Last week it was Benjamin Netanyahu. No, our party never particularly liked Jews either, but for now they suit our purpose. So any agreement he does not approve will be considered a Kenyan socialist sellout of Israel.  Further, it may not be recognized in future Fox News segments.

Second, the republican party has unique characteristics.

For example, we are white and Christian (and Jewish for now). In 2008, our party made a stand against elitists with educations who believe that reading and adding up big numbers make you smart. But we fought against the oppression of education, reading, science, and art and established the party of fake plumbers and ditsy governors. That’s right, you are dealing with the Tea Party. Yes, the same party that whose senator threw a snowball onto the floor of our Senate to demonstrate our ignorance of science. We may not know every word in our Constitution, hell, we may not know a single word in our Constitution. But one word we do know and it is this one: we will never agree to anything that the Kenyan socialist does. OK, that’s 10 words, but only liberal elitists would add them up anyway. The point is, you may think we’re stupid but guess what? Your the stupid one.

In addition, our party also has a fascination with bombs. In fact, if the liberals force us to let our elephant go like they did to the circus, we may use Wile E. Coyote as a mascot.  And have you ever listened to the words of our national anthem? We didn’t think so because it was written by a great American, Ken Starr. Its called the Starr Spangled Banner and it has bombs in it. Bombs bursting in air. So if you don’t stop making nuclear stuff a Starr spangled bomb is going to burst in the air right over one of your Ayatollahs. Just ask the Clintons about Starr bombs!

What these two characteristics mean is that you can deal with a smarty pants Harvard guy or you can go to war with us and our real leader Benjamin. The choice is yours but be advised, Bill O’Reilly will deny agreement faster than you can say “I was in a war zone”.

We hope this letter enriches your knowledge of our party and promotes mutual understanding and clarity as nuclear negotiations progress.

Sincerely,

Sens. Moe, Larry, and Curly

The New Confederacy

Posted: March 9, 2015 in New Post

Today 47 senators succeeded from the United States of America.  In doing so they dishonored the United States, spit on their oath to defend its constitution, and demonstrated the ultimate contempt for the its president. There is no more pretense, no more theater. They are in a treasonous hysteria.

The formation of the New Confederacy began on January 21, 2015 when the Speaker of the House, John Boehner, chose a new leader for the New Confederate government. It was Benjamin Netanyahu who also holds the position as Israel’s Prime Minister. Boehner then invited his new president to address what would be the last joint session of the congress of the former United States. This was done without consultation with the U S president or regard for his conduct of foreign policy.

When the New Confederacy President Netanyahu arrived, he gave a speech to a crowd largely made up of representatives of the old union who interrupted him 50 times with applause and standing ovations. It was to be his first State of the New Confederacy Address and they loved it. No one yelled “you lie”, though the speech was riddled with them. No one cared about his birth certificate even though he was born in Israel.  No one cared that his real loyalties were to another government, because so were theirs.

And today the New Confederacy, under the guidance of its foreign minister designate, Tom Cotton, took its first action as a new government. Today, 47 men and women who formerly pledged allegiance to the stars and striped, instead took up the cause of their new country. Like the assault on Fort Sumter, these new rebels rained bombs upon the peace talks under way between the United States and Iran. In a letter to their counterparts among the hard-liners in Iran, they pleaded with them to scuttle the talks and deny Barack Obama and the rest of the world the promise of peace. If they did, the rewards to the New Confederacy and Iran would be the shared goal of endless war. The war profiteers of the New Confederacy would have a new income stream, and the extremists in the Middle East would have a new recruiting tool. It was a win, win.

You will not know it from watching cable news, reading a newspaper or surfing the internet, but today was one of the saddest days in our nations history. Today, 47 men and women formerly loyal to the United States let their bigotry toward the first black president and their lust for war lead them to reach out to our enemies in a shared desire for bloodshed. 47 men and women who claimed to love the Constitution burned it at the feet of the mullahs in Iran. Today, 47 men and women said they no longer love the United States of America.

Call Ken Starr, get out the old blue dress, ring up Paula Jones because the 90’s are back. This week on Episode 325 of the Tim Corrimal Show there’s a Clinton threatening to run for president and that means the GOP Scandal Machine is back in business. And this week it spit out a scandal so damaging, so positively evil that finally the Clintons were ruined. Was Monica Lewinsky found at the bottom of the Clinton’s swimming pool? Did ISIS make a contribution to the Clinton Foundation? No, this week the media’s hair caught fire as the world learned that Hillary Clinton used email. Private email. So private that we don’t know what is in it, so it must be very bad. Was she selling arms to the Iranians? Was she selling state secrets to the Russians? Was she secretly posing as a Nigerian prince? We’ll never know because the Clintons are always hiding something, like Vince Foster’s body. But hang in there because the election cycle is just warming up and the Clinton scandal machine will be pumping them out faster than subpoenas from a Benghazi committee. Here then are the rumored scandals yet to be investigated:

  • Over a period of four years Hillary Clinton repeated violated the State Department’s ban on pant suits
  • She may have stolen towels and liquor from hotel rooms while on diplomatic missions
  • She repeatedly used Bill’s handicap placard in the State Department’s parking lot
  • Violating long standing rest room rules, she repeatedly used a personal hand soap instead of the one provided by the State Department.
  • She may have violated the rules covering the unauthorized use of the copy machine when planning Chelsae’s wedding
  • She repeatedly violated break room rules taking the last cup of coffee without making a new pot
  • She is suspected of  searching other State Department employees lunches for cookies
  • She violated State Department rules regarding eating at your desk
  • She used government computers to bid on eBay
  • After she left the state department a case of toilet paper was reported missing from the supply closet
  • She is suspected of using her government phone to make prank calls to Henry Kissinger

This is just a short list of the many revelations you will be hearing about in the months to come. You can find them in such prestigious sources as WorldNet Daily, The Drudge Report, Newsmax, the Fox News Channel, and any right wing nut with a computer. So pop your popcorn and lock up your daughters, folks, the Clintons are back!

 

“Sometimes you have to get sick to get better”. Growing up, whenever I was facing some hardship, this was my mother’s consolation. It seemed odd at the time, but as I grew older, and the challenges of life became more difficult, I began to understand what she meant. Avoiding some inevitable discomfort delays the permanent relief of eventually being restored. Looking toward the restoration sometimes makes the suffering more tolerable.

Today the Supreme Court took up a second right wing challenge to the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, derisively called “Obamacare” by its manic opponents. According to most legal experts, the case for the plaintiffs seems weak at best. Buried deep in the 900 pages of the act are four words, “established by the states”. According to the plaintiffs, these words were intended to exclude purchasers from receiving government subsidies for their premiums if their state did not set up its own insurance exchange. Defenders of the PPACA cite decades of court precedent that the context and overall intent of the law, not just isolated words, should be the guide when wording is ambiguous. If you’re interested, you can read some of the details of the case here.

What concerns me, and what has concerned me for some time now, is the cynicism of this case. It was not initiated to bring justice to someone wronged or compensate a victim of a crime. Its sole intention is to deny health care to millions of people because it does not agree with their ideology. The lawsuit is indicative of how cavalier we have become as a nation toward the suffering and discomfort of others. I expect this from conservatives, it is their nature. They are driven by some notion of a person’s worth being linked to money and power. Their world view is a singular one, centered on the preservation of self and condescension toward the less fortunate. They are the followers of Ayn Rand, disciples of her religion of greed. They have found expression in the form of the Tea Party and are granted legitimacy by a lazy press that is more interested in the appearance of neutrality than the practice of journalism.

As a liberal I know this enemy and have understood its underpinnings all of my adult life. What is distressing to me are the people who have benefited from liberal policies but seem enamored with the phony Tea Party rhetoric. Liberty, freedom, and American exceptionalism make great bumper stickers and are easy to endorse. The dignity of work, pride in family, self reliance, and freedom from government regulation are all attractive concepts. The problem is that conservatives have hijacked these concepts and used them as cover for their real agenda.

When conservatives talk of freedom, they are not speaking of the freedom to marry the person you love. They are speaking of the freedom to deny your rights if they don’t approve of whom you marry. When conservatives talk of liberty, they are not speaking of the liberty to be free of discrimination and the threat of violence. They are speaking of the liberty to shoot you because the color of your skin is an indication of your guilt. And when conservatives speak of American exceptionalism, they are not talking about the foundations of equality, justice, and opportunity for all. They are speaking of imposing their will on any country or leader who can be exploited for their profit. The dignity of work means no unemployment benefits, pride in family means not for same-sex couples, self reliance means sink or swim, and freedom from regulation means relieving corporations of liability for their crimes and negligence.

It seems to me that the bumper stickers are winning. Those arguments have elected Republican majorities in the house and senate. Those catchy phrases have helped elect Republican presidents who have given us a politicized Supreme Court that is more an enforcement arm of their party than a judicial body.

Maybe history and liberal warnings of the folly of conservative policies are too esoteric. The lessons of history fade, and the warning sound abstract. The harm modern conservative policies would do have to be made existential. The Supreme Court’s decision taking health care away from a friend or loved one may remind people of the real life consequences of  conservative ideology. Maybe handing all three branches of government over to the Tea Party would end the media love affair.  Maybe my mother’s words apply to our country. Sometimes you have to get sick to get better.

This week on Episode 324 of The Tim Corrimal Show we visit the annual CPAC convention in Washington DC. For those of you who only causally pay attention to right wing lunacy (by the way, congratulations, you are probably much healthier for that), CPAC is like a porn convention for young conservatives. And since so many young conservatives are God fearing Christians, this is their one opportunity to have a sexual experience. To a CPAC attendee it is a parade of one conservative porn star after another, in the flesh, re-enacting their best performances live and non stop for two whole days.  It is very exhausting to an outsider but there is so much pent up sexual frustration in the building, there can be no satisfying this crowd. So who were the stars this year sending the young conservatives back to the their rooms to pleasure themselves?

Lets start with the stud of this year’s CPAC porn fest, Scott “Big Prick” Walker. He’s a natural. Dumb as a dildo with a sexy bald spot, he has a talent for sending young conservatives swooning into sexual ecstasy.  He has screwed unions, teachers, and universities all while in a threesome with the Koch brothers. And the best part is that he can do all these things with many different positions, like on immigration and evolution. Yes, Scott’s exploits  provided CPAC youngsters hours of orgasm filled moments alone in their rooms. And the best thing, if you vote for him in the CPAC straw poll, you got a free, life size, anatomically correct doll of Scott. Its an action figure of Scott Walker shooting ISIS members trying to unionize.

Next we had Sarah Palin, the sexual fantasy of any young CPAC man (and woman, but they cannot openly admit that here). Sarah’s sexual talent is twisting and turning the English language into a torture chamber that the Marquis de Sade would find excessive. For those willing to submit, she takes the audience on a fantasy trip that makes 50 Shades of Gray seem like a family film. Tie up the lame stream media and force them to scream? You betcha! Whip all the liberals until they beg for mercy? You betcha! Handcuff all those animal lovers and make them use their dogs as step stools? You betcha! By the time Sarah got to the part where we kill all the terrorists and Nazis, the restrooms had lines a mile long. And the vendors could not keep the Sarah Palin leather Gotcha Gloves on the shelves.

And no one will forget the King of Conservative Porn, the Wig Party’s only representative, Donald Trump. This was probably the most glittery sexual experience at the fair, complete with exotic hairdos, and endless erotic stories of wealth, power, and exclusive outtakes of Gary Busey tea bagging the Donald. He had the crowd from the beginning with that hair and that Chinese made necktie. But the crowd was brought to climax with erotically descriptive account of how he would end the threat of ISIS. “You gotta hit ’em hard, you gotta hit ’em firm, and you can’t play games. You gotta go hard and fast and firm.” ISIS will forever tremble in fear of being hit hard and fast and firm by a bloated douche bag in a bad wig.

But there was one voice of caution at this conservative orgy, and that was from the bible thumping, duck calling preacher, Phil Robertson. He was there to accept the “Andrew Breitbart Defender of the First Amendment Award”, itself a verbal turn on for any young conservative. Phil took time off from delousing his beard to warn these youngsters that sexual desire, even conservative sexual desire, can have terrible consequences. Before you rush off to have mad sex with Laura Ingraham, remember that the beatniks and hippies invented STD’s as revenge on all Jesus loving kids and have passed their infection down through the generations. Phil warned that too much sex with too many partners have infected 110 million people with “Revenge of the Hippies” disease. The only way to prevent is to marry someone as clean as you, preferably, as he did, a young underage girl with no sexual experience.

The fest ended on a somber note, a strategy planned by the organizers to ensure they didn’t turn these sex crazed conservative looneys into the street in a manic condition. The crowd was calmed down by presenting the somber side of the conservative movement, the “reasonable” alternatives. These included Chris Christie and Jeb Bush who from all reports left the crowd flaccid and the restrooms unoccupied. And so ended another CPAC sex fest, its attendees headed home ready to do battle with anyone who dares throw a hippie induced liberal STD their way.