Archive for December, 2020

It happens to all lousy one-term presidents. You just lost an election and your time as president is over. As the holidays fade and Inauguration Day approaches for the new president, where to send the ex-president becomes a sad but necessary consideration. Sure, the ex-president doesn’t want to leave and will most likely resist attempts to make him leave the White House he came to cherish the last four years. Hell, he may even get violent and demand to stay even though the Constitution says it’s time to move on. The family and his party realize he can no longer live in the White House. Why he never really should have been allowed into the White House in the first place. As his former enablers, the task falls on you to convince him to leave. But where should he go? Where is the best place for your beloved ex-president? You want a place where you know you will never have to think about him again. It’s a tough job, but the Clown Car is here to help with a new program to help convince him that he’s all fucked up and really has to move. Just call “A Place for Don,” a service that will assist you in choosing the best living situation for your whiny loser ex-president.

Just look at the amenities “A Place for Don” has to offer the broken, demented old fart:

  • Memory Care Facilities: Just think, you want the ex-president to feel like it’s home so we have a full replica of the Oval Office where he can spend his twilight years still convinced that he got a second term and can still terrorize the entire country. His suite comes completely furnished with a Resolute Dest and a button to order Diet Coke, just like the real thing. And for a small extra fee, our friendly staff will call him several time a day pretending to be Kim jong-Un, Vladimir Putin, or any tyrant he has grown to love.
  • Activities: Our activities department has a schedule to fit the needs of your ex-president and keep him occupied while the rest of the world recovers from his time in office. We offer activities such as Executive Order Signing, Lego border wall building, obstructing justice, staff firing, and caging realistic baby dolls. And don’t forget our “Tweeting Hour” every day from 2AM to 3AM. And if a flu epidemic breaks out in our facility, he can wander freely around the facility playing “Super Spreader!”
  • Dietary Needs: We offer cuisine that fits the lifestyle that your ex-president is used to enjoying. Our food court is packed with comfort food offerings like McDonald’s, Domino’s Pizza, KFC, and the best chocolate cake ever! Your loved one can feast like the slob he was during his term and we also offer a bedtime snack of a Whopper with large fried and an hot apple pie. Yes, your ex-president will never go to bed hungry like all those families did last Christmas when he vetoed the Covid Relief Bill.
  • Hygiene: We take care of all of your ex-president’s daily hygiene needs starting with hair combing-over and spray-on tanning. And we also take care of all his shower needs, conducted by our experienced Russian hookers. And as an extra touch, our Lindsey Graham look-alike will top off his morning routine with a thorough ass-kissing.

So stop fretting about what to do with this used-up loser and leave the details to us. At “A Place for Don” we will take all of the worries out of getting rid of a reluctant loser. And you and the country could rest easy knowing that he is safely tucked away and will never occupy the real White House again!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and through Trump’s White House
Not a creature was left there, except the fat louse;
The lawsuits were filed by his lawyers with care,
In hopes that a recount soon would be theirs;
Ivanka and Jared were snug in their beds,
While visions of pardons danced in their heads;
With some super-size French fries and Big Macs to eat,
Donnie just settled down as he started to Tweet,
When on Fox TV he saw Hannity frown,
So he got out of bed and turned up the sound.
Away to the recliner he sailed like a ship,
Tore open Doritos and fresh garlic dip.
The color on the face of a crest fallen Sean,
Looked like day-old tortillas left out in the sun,
When what to Trump’s wondering eyes should appear,
But a bunch of reporters with camera gear,
When a limo pulled up to the very front row
Trump knew in a moment it was Prez-Elect Joe.
Much faster than vote counts his footsteps they grew,
And he stepped up to the mic to name his cabinet crew:
‘Now, Justice! now, Commerce! Now Anthony Fauci!
That last one made Donnie particularly grouchy!
Take charge of the government and tear down Trump’s wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!’
So off to transition Joe’s minions they flew,
With progressive ideas – and Kamala too.
And then in between “My Pillow” commercials
Came the knocking and yelling of federal marshals.
As he slapped on his wig and jumped up from his chair
Down came the door and Joe Biden was there.
“Your just a one-termer,” Joe said with a scowl
As his trusty dog Major just stood there and growled;
It’s a note of eviction he said with a grin,
And he walked right past Donnie and let himself in.


Trump’s eyes how they squinted with bags that were saggy!
His cheeks hung like lemons, his neck like a baggy;
His droll little mouth was forming a smirk,
As the last bit of ice cream dripped on his shirt  
The grease on his hands he wiped on his ass,
And the room almost emptied when he let out some gas;
He had an orangey face and a massive large girth
Like a big mother rhino about to give birth .
He was massive and huge; like an overweight elf
And Joe laughed when he saw him, in spite of himself.
So Trump threw up his arms and went back to his seat,
Grabbed a bucket of chicken and continued to eat;


Trump spoke not a word while Joe did his work
And Lysol-ed the Oval; then turned to the jerk,
And throwing his middle-finger up from his fist,
He motioned the Marshalls to cuff fat Trump’s wrist
Then he sprang to his car, to his team gave a wave,
And away they all drove with our country to save;
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove back to Dover,
‘You can sleep well this Christmas, the Trump nightmare is over!’

It’s the time of year when all the little children who have not yet been totally disillusioned by life yet are writing their letters to Santa Clause and flooding the already overwhelmed United States Postal System with un-needed junk mail. So we intercepted some from the White House mailroom:

Dear Santa,
Fuck your naughty list! I know I was on it but the joke is on you because I just pardoned myself and now I’m on the nice list and you will have to take me to court. So, send me a second term. Also, some Russian hookers. Oh, my stocking is the tiny one. And remember your non-disclosure agreement.

Always winning,
DJT

Dear Santa,
Hi, it’s Eric, but please don’t throw this letter away like my dad does every time I write to him. My dad is in a really bad mood this year and my stepmother said that I can’t come home this year because the guest room is being used by Rudy Giuliani and Borat’s daughter. They also said that they really can’t afford to buy me a gift because dad lost his job and all the money they are getting from the fake fundraisers is going to support my brother Don, Jr.’s cocaine habit. Even my wife Lara won’t spend Christmas with me because she says she got COVID and the new CDC guidelines say she has to stay away from me for seven months. That seems a long time but why would she lie to me? Anyway, since I have to spend Christmas alone, can you bring me a blow-up family and maybe even a girlfriend to go with them? One that looks like Maria Bartiromo would be good. Jeanine Pirro would not work though.

Home alone,
Eric

Dear Santa,

My name is Rudy and forgive the “Don’s Adult Toy and Dildo Shoppe” letterhead but it’s the only shop in this strip mall that would lend me some paper. Now, I understand that I am on your naughty list but I must appeal that decision since I believe it was based on fraud. I have thousands of affidavits from elf watchers that they observed your elves flipping votes for me on the nice list to votes for me on the naughty list. I’m prepared to take this to the Supreme Court if necessary but if you are reasonable then we can settle this right now. All I want for Christmas is some Fix-O-Dent, a case of hair dye, and a truckload of Gas-X for the loud farting I’ve had since I ate that sushi at the gas station across the street. I hope we can settle this so I don’t have to send that drunk blonde chick from Michigan to your house to scream at you!

Litigiously yours,
Rudy G,

Dear Santa,
My name is Ivanka. Things are not good at my house. My father recently lost his job but keeps telling everyone that he really got a four-year contract extension. My stepmother is very mean and told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about Christmas stuff. I have been a good girl this year and have sat on my daddy’s lap every time he asked me to, which is just about every day. He says it helps his golf game and makes his putter stand up. Anyway, this year I even carried a bible in my Prada purse so my daddy could hold it up in front of a church after he gassed peaceful protesters. So if you can, will you bring me a husband who can grow a beard and has a man’s voice? Thanks. And by the way, don’t use our chimney this year because my daddy is burning documents non-stop until January 20.

Yours truly,
Vankie

Dear Santa,
My name is Melania. I Be Best all year. In fact, all I ever do is that “Be Best” shit. But since everyone else is asking for stuff, why not me, right? So, first, a set of augmented reality glasses so that when I look at my fat loser husband I see Idris Elba instead of an orange slushy. Also, a handsome tennis pro for the new White House Tennis Pavilion. I was thinking, like, Rafael Nadal. And I really don’t care about all this fucking Christmas stuff, do you?

P.S. Don’t land in the Rose Garden. There is a major drainage problem!

Be best,
M.

Dear Santa,
My name is Don Jr. and I have only one request. SNOW! Lots and lots of SNOW! I really need lots of SNOW!

Highly yours,
DTJ

And of course, Christmas would not be complete without a letter from the staff and friends of The Tim Corrimal Show:

Dear Santa,
This year you brought us our Christmas gift early. We just want to thank you for stuffing our stockings on November 3rd with a brand new President and Vice-President!

P.S. Of course, if you want some ideas for extra stocking stuffers, we can always use two Democratic senators from Georgia!

Gratefully yours,
The staff and friends of The Tim Corrimal Show

Nothing gets you into the Christmas spirit like a good old holiday television special. And this year, the cast of the outgoing administration has provided some of the best selections for 2020. Here is the Clown Car Update’s guide to the Trump Christmas specials:

“A Very Rudy Christmas” Old lawyer Rudy is stranded on Christmas Eve in a small Pennsylvania town after he develops a leak in the side of his head. While his wig is at the salon getting an oil change he wanders into a garden center where he meets Donna the proprietor who is busy preparing her store for the annual town Christmas decoration contest. They realize they are in love but tragedy strikes when Donna loses the contest. Rudy vows to sue the town judges and demands that all the decorations except Donna’s are torn down. It all ends with a big town gathering where Rudy leads the town in song by farting Santa Claus Is Coming to Town. Premiers December 7 on OANN

“Christmas With a Dick-ens” The president of the United States has lost the election and is brooding alone in the White House on Christmas Eve. As he is planning his revenge on the people who voted against him, he is visited by three ghosts who show him the real meaning of a Christmas after you lose re-election. He learns a valuable lesson from the ghosts of Prosecutions Past, Prosecutions Present, and Prosecutions Yet to Be whose boney finger points to a future prison cell with his name on it. Premiers on December 10 on Newsmax

“You Call This a Wonderful Life?” Eric has always dreamed of blowing his little town and having a career of building big skyscrapers with his Legos. But when his father has a stroke after losing re-election and his brother Don Jr. develops a raging cocaine habit he is forced to marry his high school guidance counselor Lara and run his father’s bankrupt businesses. When the Manhattan bank examiners indict him for bank and wire fraud, he tries to commit suicide by jumping out of his ground-floor window when he meets Clarence the Devil who needs to finally earn his horns by showing Eric how his life really was worthless and had no effect whatsoever on anything. Premiers on Breitbart Streaming Channel December 12.

“White, White, Extremely White Christmas” The mayonnaise factory is having a contest because White Willie Pence is being forced to retire because he lost the election. So the week before Christmas Pence sends out White Tickets to all the Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish kids in the town. He is summoning all the blond, blue-eyed children to see which one will win the Whites only mayonnaise factory for their very own. But a glitch happens because the mail was screwed up by the postmaster in town, Louis DeJoy. It seems all the White Tickets accidentally went to a minority neighborhood and black and brown kids show up. Hilarity ensues when Pence turns purple, has a stroke, and due to hospital bed shortages caused by the pandemic, he has to share a room with a gay couple. Premiers on Fox News Channel December 14.

“A First Lady Last Christmas” First lady Melania Trump takes us on a tour of the hellscape that is her life as expressed by her choice of Christmas decorations for the White House. Whether it’s the creepy icy branches that want to grab you and pull off your limbs or blood-red Christmas trees that say “used tampons,” her view of Christmas would even scare Stephen Miller. For 2020, Mrs. Trump has added some unique artistic ornaments to the decor made by child laborers doing eighteen-hour shifts in Peking. Ornaments that say “Help me, I am being held against my will” fit right in with the First Lady’s theme of “Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff!” So join the First Lady this Christmas Eve for a “Be Best” holiday special. Premiers December 24, 2020, on Sinclair Broadcasting.

So enjoy these holiday specials and as Saint Nicholas said, “Happy Christmas to all and to Trump a good riddance!”