Archive for March, 2020

The Stock market is tanking. The economy is crashing. There is no toilet paper, hand sanitizer, soap, meat, or potatoes. And don’t even try to find a Russian hooker. What there is a lot of is panic in the White House about what all this means for Fat Donnie’s re-election chances. And this week, Donnie came up with an idea that would solve this whole economic slowdown faster than he can woof down a bucket of KFC. And it is so simple. Send the old people back to work. Rub your nose, touch your face, cough on the counters and don’t worry, the only ones who will die are unproductive anyway. But think of it, what is more important, a sinking economy or your stinking grandparents?

So to jump-start the economy the Trump administration is introducing a new program called Gramps4Kids. That’s right, just call 1-877-Gramps4Kids and donate your grandparents to the cause of economic security for the next generation. Yes, they taught you how to ride a bike, they bought you your first snowboard, and they always give you money on your birthday. But what have they done for you lately? Just sit around watching Wheel of Fortune and farting. Well, now they can do you one more favor and save the Dow Jones Industrial average by becoming virus absorbers. They die so you can reap the profits in your investments. And the best part is, your donation to Gramps4Kids is tax-deductible.

And it doesn’t even matter how old or useless your grandparents are. No matter if they are an ass-sagging seventy-year-old or a drooling eighty-year-old, we can use them. Just call 1-877-Gramps4Kids and we will come to your house and haul them away. Just wheel them out to the curb and we’ll do the rest. But make sure the will is up-to-date though! And if you have great-grand-parents, better yet. They get an extra tax credit! Wrinkled, drooling, sagging, or just plain decrepit. We will take them all and give them Covid-19.

And while you’re at it, don’t forget we accept old uncles, aunts, great-aunts, great-uncles and elderly cousins you hardly ever see except at a funeral. And speaking of funerals, think of the money you save on final expenses by donating gramma and gramps to Gramps4Kids. It’s a win-win for everyone (except pop-pop). So call 1-877-Gramps4Kids today and donate your elderly relatives so the president can pack the churches on Easter Sunday with fresh young faces. Yes, gram and gramps may have bounced you on their knees, and now it’s time to bounce them to the curb because as our motto goes, “They’re just in the way of your 401(k)!”

He has the best words. You know who I mean, the Stable Genius, the Natural Medical Wonder, the Man with a Big Brain, Donald J. Trump. And this week, he accused Vice President Joe Biden of being senile. Talk about the pot calling the kettle orange! Well, here at the Clown Car Update we decided to take a look back at some of the “best words” our stable nincompoop has come up with over the last few years:

  • U-Licious S. Grant: The Eighteenth president of the United States.
    • Used in a sentence: “U-Licious S, Grant was a general in the war to end Northern aggression.”
  • Space Cap-sicle: Apparently a popsicle that is consumed by astronauts as a frozen snack.
    • Used in a sentence: “Harry joined the Space Force so he could eat grape space cap-sickles.”
  • Infantroopen: Either a group of baby soldiers or what is left in a diaper.
    • Used in a sentence: “The few, the proud, the infantroopen!”
  • Sahhven Country: A country that has a lot of sahhvs.
    • Used in a sentence: “That shit-hole country is sahhven.”
  • Defensive Mishiz: Surface to air missiles that miss.
    • Used in a sentence: “We kept launching them but our defenses are mishiz!”
  • Momemtum: Momentum but only for a moment.
    • Used in a sentence: “He thought he had the momentum, but it turned out only to be momemtum.”
  • Con-ducking: Taking advantage of unsuspecting birds.
    • Used in a sentence: “We caught Don Jr. con-ducking the pigeons in the park.”
  • Asbadidizziz: Very bad, but not as bad as it could be.
    • Used in a sentence: “Asbadidizziz, the Trump administration could actually get worse!”
  • Shu-tick-six: A statistic with a lisp.
    • Used in a sentence: “I could never understand her because she uses too many shu-tick-six.”
  • Transpants: A surgical procedure usually done by a tailor.
    • Used in a sentence: “Jim finally found a donor for a pair of transpants.”
  • Lawmarkers: Felt tipped pens for marking laws.
    • Senator Benson could not attend the hearing because his lawmarker leaked all over his shirt.”
  • Supply churn: A system by which you provide butter.
    • Used in a sentence: “I didn’t have butter on my toast today because of an interruption in the supply churn.”
  • Raydoh free Europe: Formerly Radio Free Europe, now a bakery.
    • I love the bread a raydoh free Europe.
  • Stankchuary: An area that hasn’t been cleaned in a long time.
    • Used in a sentence: “Trump’s pants smell like a stankchuary!”
  • Slock Rocket: An inverstment firm on the moon.
    • Used in a sentence: “After joining the Space Force, in invested in the Slock Rocket.”
  • Missuria: A state that borders Nambia.
    • Used in a sentence: “You have to show him, he’s from Missuria.”

And of course, my favorite, “Urottahere!” Used in a sentence: “Hey Trump, on November 3 urottahere!

Another week, another stretch of bad news about the coronavirus. It’s spreading faster than tanning spray in Trump’s face. No one is sure where it will end and a vaccine is said to be twelve to eighteen months away. This is making Trump more nervous than Jeff Sessions at a Black Lives Matter rally. And, since he knows nothing about science, he thought a vaccine could be whipped up as fast as a pissing hooker in a Moscow hotel. Well, the experts told him, not so fast. But don’t despair, Mr. President, we have the solution for you. Welcome to Vaccines-R-Us, a for-big-profits organization dedicated to the fast and easy development for vaccines for anything from black plague to blackheads.

How do we do it? Simple. We don’t test, we are not approved by the FDA, and we don’t use time-consuming scientific methods. Instead, we just take a stab at a formula that might be used to stop the pandemic and hope for the best. First, we obtain a blood sample from a victim, in this case, someone with Covid-19. Then, we add some Purell, bleach, and common rubbing alcohol and BINGO! we have a vaccine. Just pop out your veins, America, we are ready to shoot.

And the best part of all, we do no animal testing. All our tests are done on human victims. And our costs are kept low by constantly moving our mobile facility to undisclosed locations. And our researchers are carefully chosen from malpractice courts around the country and paid minimum wage. This way we can pass the savings and a quick cure on to the government in record time!

You’ve seen our ads on Fox News and InfoWars, and now we are ready to help America and our president in a crisis. So just call us on a burner phone, Mr. Trump and we will fix you up with a vaccine for anything you want. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine to prevent what is going to happen to you on Election Day.

This week’s news was dominated by news of a deadly virus spreading unchecked across the globe. It had cost countless lives and driving down the economies of entire countries. No, we are not speaking of the coronavirus. We are speaking of something much worse, much more insidious than that. We are speaking of the Trumpovirus.

If you are not familiar with this threat. let’s began with its origins. It is believed to have originated in New York. Sometime in June of 2015, the first signs of the virus were seen coming down the escalator at Trump Tower. At first, everyone thought it was harmless until later that year when it began to spread beyond New York to states in the South and Mid-West. And then, on that fateful day on November 8, 2016, the entire country was overtaken by the Trumpovirus.

Since then, the cost has been staggering. Families are no longer speaking to one another. Thanksgiving dinner has been reduced to shambles with old crazy uncles babbling on about walls and “covfefe.” Zombies with red MAGA hats wander the streets unable to find their way back to the truck stop. And in Washington, an entire political party had come down with a fatal case of spinal absentitis.

So if you have any of the following signs of the disease, seek medical or spiritual attention immediately:

  • A change in skin pigmentation to a strange shade of orange characterized with a white “tan line” around the hairline.
  • Folds of fat especially around your neck, belly, thighs, and buttocks.
  • Slurring of words such as United Schates, tolerited, oranges, and hamburders.
  • Inability to stand straight, giving the victim the posture of a fat penguin.
  • Hallucinations of Revolutionary War fighter pilots.
  • Uncontrolled craving for Egg McMuffins and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
  • An irrational fear of Nancy Pelosi.

If you recognize any of these symptoms, do not delay. Seek help immediately either from your health care professional or an exorcist. Time is crucial as this disease gets worse as time passes. And by no means should you have unprotected sex during this crisis. It could lead to birth defects such as Don Jr and Eric!

So you can take the advice of the Virus-in Chief and take a sharpie and draw a big black line around your house. But experts recommend that the best way to prevent its spread is to send the virus back where it came from this November 3!