421

Breaking news on Episode 421 of the Tim Corrimal Show!

President Trump today signed an executive order banning the use of certain salad dressing from being used in the country until further notice. The ban targets specific types of dressing including French, Greek, Italian, Ceasar, Thousand Island, Ranch, and Catalina. The ban is to go into effect immediately. Trump’s order states that use of these six dressings will be banned until, as the president stated, “we can find out what the hell is in them!” Further, the executive order directs the TSA, and ICE personnel to give preference to the entry of Russian dressing, which the president identified as being unjustly persecuted.

In the wake of the signing of the executive order, chaos has broken out at the nation’s restaurants and fast food chains. There was total confusion on what to do about salad dressings that have already been ordered by customers or have been stored in restaurant refrigerators. Reports have surfaced of salads and salad bars being detained in the kitchens of restaurants until the dressings on them could be thoroughly vetted. In many cases, customers have had to go straight to their appetizers or in extreme cases, right to the entree without having their salads served. Pro-salad dressing groups and salad dressing attorneys are reportedly on the scene trying to get these salad dressings admitted and sent to their destination tables.

“We are here to offer free legal advice to any salad dressing that has been illegally detained as a result of this unconstitutional ban issued by the president,” said Amy Smith of the Legal Center for Free Dressing Choice. “Whether you have ordered your dressing on your salad or on the side, this is a miscarriage of justice. People expecting to have their salads have been delayed here for hours until details of the ban are clarified,” Ms. Smith, who was working at a table in the Brooklyn Pizza Hut, told us that by her count, at least fifty salad orders were being detained at this location alone. “It is causing total chaos and the customers have been waiting hours to see what awaits their salads,” she told us.

Within hours of the ban’s announcement, spontaneous demonstrations of support have broken out all over the country. At the food court in LAX airport, police say at least ten-thousand pro-salad dressing supporters gathered outside to protest the president’s executive order. Signs saying “Free Our Fat-Free” and “Don’t Serve Our Constitution On The Side” were seen as protesters blocked the “Pick-Up” line.  One protestor told me she drove all the way from Catalina when she learned of the ban. “I live in Catalina,” Myra Donnally told me, as she waved a sign that declared “Catalina Dressing Just Wants To Be Part Of America!” “We have decent, law abiding dressings where I come from, and this ban hurts”, she told me while tears filled her eyes.

At least three legal challenges to the ban have already been filed in Federal Courts around the country.  Ellen Rosenblum, Oregon’s Attorney General, was the first to file for a stay of the order. In a statement issued with the filing, Ms. Rosenblum said:

It has always been the constitutional right of our people to have whatever salad dressing they want on their salads, regardless of their origins. In our state, in particular, we have many ranchers who look to the United States as a free and open market for Ranch dressing. To favor Russian dressing over Ranch is not only discriminatory, it is absolutely un-American!

For the administration’s part, it is fiercely pushing back at any suggestion that the executive order is outside the president’s authority. At an impromptu press briefing, press secretary Sean Spicer, in a contentious exchange with American Urban Radio Networks’ April Ryan, began screaming:

If the president puts Russian salad dressing on his salad tonight, somehow that’s Russian dressing favoritism! At some point April, you’re going to have to take no for an answer to ‘can I have Asian Balsamic on my spinach”

As he angrily stalked off from the press briefing, a reporter shouted out a question to which Spicer furiously responded, “No, that stain on my tie is not Russian dressing, it’s mustard!”

420

This week on Episode 420 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we have obtained a letter sent from the Kremlin to Donald Trump separating him from their employment. Following is the letter our agents intercepted:

Dearest Donald,

It is my sad but necessary duty to inform you that the Kremlin, specifically President Putin, has concluded that your services are no longer needed. It was not easy to reach this conclusion since he had placed so much hope and resources into making you appear to be a rational human being. This was obviously a mistake given your propensity to act like a complete oaf.

This action is sad, given the wonderful hopes we had for you and how promising our relationship seemed to be. Starting when you came to Mr. Putin to borrow money for a cab back to your hotel, we thought we had a solid relationship. We provided you with all the aid you needed to succeed. We gave you funds, we gave you support, and we gave you our finest urinating prostitutes. We cleaned those sheets and even had your hotel maid killed afterward. And to prove our loyalty to you, we filmed the whole thing and have safely hidden copies all over the world. All this was done because we thought you were a talented conman who was able to pull off a swindle of the American people without them realizing what we had done. We were obviously mistaken.

First, we never expected that Access Holywood tape and really, you should have tipped us off. While we fully appreciate your sexual proclivities as demonstrated on the many videos we all have enjoyed over the years, we never suspected that you would actually admit such things in public. Don’t take this the wrong way. Those videos have certainly been a big hit at Mr. Putin’s office parties.  But really, Mr. Trump, grabbing pussy? Please, Mr. Trump, a little public decorum would have helped.

Then, there is your constant tweeting. Please, Mr. Trump, unlike your taste in women, you are not thirteen. Your fingers are better used for other purposes, like that weird twirly thing you did with your penis. It really gets a lot of laughs every time we watch it at happy hour. But we digress because you really have to stop tweeting about Obama. Forget Obama, it wasn’t him that bugged you at Trump Tower, you idiot, that was us! How do you think we ensure you are living up to your part of the bargain?

And that brings us to our main point. We thought you would be smart enough to keep everyone in your country distracted while we annexed a few more countries like Ukraine and maybe Poland, Belarus, Hungary, and Romania if everything went exactly right. But your fumbling little fingers just proved to your people what we know all along. You have the self-control of a teenager sitting in the bathroom with his father’s porn collection. By the way, does Melania let you do that thing you do on tape with your hair and belly buttons? That is hilarious!

In closing, we along with President Putin would like to thank you for your service to Mother Russia and our prostitution industry. We also have our sincere promise that those videos will never, ever be given to WikiLeaks if you default on your loans. That was a joke, of course. They already have them. So President Putin extends his best wishes for your future endeavors. But from the way we saw you handle the repeal of Obamacare, we have concluded that it is time to repeal and replace you.  We ask that you return the keys to the hotel room, the rubber sheets, and the penis extender we loaned you. In short, Mr. Trump, you’re fired!

 

 

 

419

On Episode 419 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we reported that presidential press secretary Sean Spicer is resting quietly tonight at the convent of Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points after a night-long ordeal. D.C. police were summoned on Saturday night when neighbors heard what they thought was a disturbance coming from Mr. Spicer’s apartment.

When police arrived, they found Mr. Spicer levitating and frothing at the mouth. He was covered in what appeared to be an Easter Bunny costume. “His big bunny head was turning three hundred sixty degrees,” reported Officer J.D.Tippit of the D.C.P.D.  “Mr. Spicer’s head kept banging on the ceiling and he kept moaning the words ‘microwave ovens’ over and over”, said Tippit.

EMT’s quickly shot Mr. Spicer with tranquilizer darts to calm him down. He was only slightly bruised when he fell on his bunny head. He was rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center where he was given an MRI and some carrots. Doctors at Walter Reed determined that the secretary was not in control of his actions and his speech were actually coming from a demonic possession. This is what Hospital personnel, who spoke on condition of anonymity because of HIPPA rules, told us:

It was clear to all the doctors that Mr. Spicer was possessed. All that was left was the shell of the man and the voice of a demon screaming ‘fake news’. He was chewing bubble gum as huge bubbles would explode and shake the room. We called for a Catholic priest!

The priest,  Father Joseph Dyer from Georgetown, arrived on the scene and recognized the demon immediately. “It’s the Trumpzuzu. I have vanquished him before, and this is his revenge.” He quickly went to work, again described by medical staff:

Fr. Dyer found Sean lying on the bed where he had ny now lost control of his bowels. . The stench was unbearable. He was screaming something about Sean Hannity and Judge Napolitano and began to rise from his bed. Fr. Dyer yelled, “I cast you out, orange spirit, in Jesus name, boggidy, boggidy, boggidy, amen!”  Spicer moaned, “You are fake. You are so dishonest!” At that point, Fr. Dyer pulled out President Obama’s birth certificate and shouted, “It is Obama who commands you!” With that the specter of a huge blond wig jumped from Sean’s body and flew out the window! Mr. Spicer crashed back onto his bed and went silent. We all thought he was dead but Fr. Dyer assured us he would be OK now that he was free of Trumpzuzu.

And the Clown Car is pleased to report that after the exorcism Mr. Spicer was moved here to a convent where he will be rehabilitated. Here at Our Lady of Perpetual Talking Points, the Passionist nuns will have to re-teach him to eat, walk, and put on a lapel pin right side up. And the nuns are hopeful that Mr. Spicer may even be able to deal with facts again some day. Fingers crossed. Needless to say, our hopes and best wishes go out to Secretary Spicer and his bunny family.

 

 

418

On Episode 418 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we dive into the crazy world of Trumpcare and the iPhones for healthcare world of Donald Trump. Yes, this week Jason “I Can’t Look My Daughter In The Eye” Chaffetz explained Trumpcare this way: Give up your iPhone and by health care instead. They have even started running a TV ad campaign!

Welcome to Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium!

Here at Crazy Donnie’s Health Care Emporium, you can pawn for procedures. Lost your Obamacare? No worries, we have you covered here at Crazy Donnie’s. That’s right, we have a complete line of medical procedures designed just for you and your family! No money, no problem! Our pawn-for-procedures shop is open twenty-four hours a day, seven days week. Just come in and choose from the largest menu of medical procedures in the world and our friendly staff will arrange for an almost-doctor to evaluate your condition. Headphones for hernias, phlebotomies for flat screens, iPhones for eye surgery, we have it all. And we won’t be undersold!

Need a kidney, don’t piss away your money. Need a lung, breath easy with our generous trade-in plans. Have a nasty cut, we have cut our prices on all stitches and bandages so low you will never faint from blood loss again! And now, for the upcoming Easter and Passover observances, we have cut our prices even lower. Just listen to these health care bargains.

  • Mole removal, regularly two iPhones and now reduced to a Blackberry.
  • Liver transplants, regularly going for a smart TV, for this limited time only, reduced to a one-thousand-watts microwave.
  • Colonoscopies, now at a low, low price of one surround-sound system! And if we remove a polyp, ITS ON US!
  • Prostate cancer screening, normally costing a cable box and a Roku, for a limited time available for one XM radio (one-year subscription required).

And that’s not all! Browse our March blow-out flyer for extra savings. And speaking of blow-outs, if you blew out an appendix, our surgeons are ready to cut it out for the low, low trade-in of an electric dryer. Other March specials include heart stints, new or refurbished. New stints starting at a toaster oven. Refurbished for an iPhone5.

Speaking of the Ides of March, look into our Eyes of March Special! Lasix surgery, cataract removal, detached retina repair and more! Trade in your Kindle and we will have you seeing so good you will almost be able to read our malpractice release form. With over a century of eye surgery under their belts, our vision doctors Ron and Rand Paul will cut your corneas without cutting corners. And if you can’t see after they’re finished, we offer a full refund and a coupon for five dollars off a pair of dark glasses.

It’s March Madness at Crazy Donnie’s! Do you have erectile dysfunction, we’ll have you popping up for a pop-up toaster! Need a heart bypass?  Our staff physician Dr. Ben Carson will take a stab at it, and he is a stabbing expert! Oh, sure he’s a brain surgeon, but hearts are just brains in your chest, just like slaves are just involuntary immigrants. Push, pull, or drag in your old vehicle for new heart valves or up to four bypasses.

Transplants, broken arms, broken legs, broken toes, broken promises, we have them all at Crazy Donnie’s! And remember, if we can’t treat it, you shouldn’t have it! Crazy Donnie! His health care plan is INSANE!

 

417

On Episode 417 of the Tim Corrimal Show we tackle the question left from this week news: Will the Trump be sharing a cell or be given individual accommodations. Whichever way this goes, a smart investor would be looking into companies that make handcuffs. Soon after Trump held the first ever Klan meeting in front of a joint session of congress, the tweets hit the fan. First, there was a Washington Post report that numerous Trump campaign workers, including the shiny new AG,  were actually little Russian dingleberries hanging off Putin’s ass. Almost simultaneously, the New York Times reported that anticipating that Trump cultists would try to wash away evidence in a drum of Kool-Aid, Obama administration officials squirreled away evidence damaging to the Orange Oracle.

And if that was not enough, on Friday the first leprechaun in history to be appointed AG was forced to recuse himself from any investigation of the Trump campaign because he accidentally kissed the Russian ambassador’s ass in full view of his staff. That was enough to put the Lemon Lout into an epic twitter frenzy on Saturday that had his aides running for the life boats.

So the Clown Car Update wants to know just when did Sergey Kislyak infiltrate the White House and how do we know?  Here are the top ten clues that a Russian agent has compromised the White House:

#10 There is electronic feedback coming from Trump’s wig.

#9   Before directing your call, the switchboard operator says “Das vadanya!”

#8   The presidents Big Mac just asked him so speak more clearly

#7   That painting of Andrew Jackson just winked!

#6   Ever since the White House cook’s mysterious death, the soup of the day is borscht.

#5   The president’s intelligence briefings are suddenly in Cyrillic script.

#4   The Olympic Doping Committee has asked your staff for urine samples

#3   Putin’s Face is suddenly on all the White House screensavers

#2   Who ordered the red curtains?

#1    No, that wasn’t Sean Spicer in that Easter Bunny costume!

Incidentally, Mr. Trump, Sergey wants you to know he will return your wallet as soon as his people are finished copying your account numbers. But look at it this way, Donnie, that investment you made in all those private prisons is about to pay off!

416

This week on Episode 416 of The Tim Corrimal Show we are introduced to a new character in the bizarre world of freaks and clowns known as the Trump Regime. His name was Gene Huber and he was yet another reminder of the through-the-looking-glass world we now live in. For those of you who may have missed his act, Gene was invited onstage by Herr Trump because he saw this lost soul on TV standing in line from 4 AM the day of the rally just to get a glimpse of the Orange Oligarch. From that moment, things spiraled into a surreal adventure in the fantasy world of Mr. Huber and his cardboard god.

While trying to conceal his erection, Mr. Huber stood onstage with the man that, until that moment, was only accessible to him in his nightly wet dreams. But here he was, right in front of him, the Lemon Lout himself, in full color and shaking his hand. To say the least, Gene Huber was stunned. Herr Trump actually hugged him and whispered in his ear that, as soon as this stunt was over, he better get right off the stage or he would be shot. It was a moment of magic. And then, just as Huber thought life could not get any better, Trump asked him to speak to the crowd. He proudly wiped away the tanning spray that rubbed off on him and stepped up to the mic. As a huge wet spot spread over his pants, he declared to the world how proud he was of the man Russia has code-named “Agent Wet Sheets”.

Later, during a CNN interview, Huber confessed to having a cardboard replica of Trump in his home that he prayed to every day. In an attempt to keep our listeners apprised of the deteriorating mental health the Trump Cult, the Clown Car caught with Mr. Huber at his home in Neverneverland. What we found was nothing less than shocking. Not only does he have a cardboard cutout of Trump, it turns out, the rest of his family is a fantasy too!

Huber’s home is actually a series of refrigerator boxes glued together into a three bedroom cardboard mansion. It was very roomy with the familiar smell of a FedEx warehouse. As we sat down on some wooden crates to talk politics, Huber became extremely animated. “I love the president!”, he blurted out, “so much that sometimes I want to jump out of my skin, which is white, by the way,” as if that was a question. He was sporting his Trump tee shirt, the same one he had on during his CNN interview. “I haven’t taken this shirt off since election day. Do you believe it! Even after it started to stick to me, I kept it on. I figure if the president can do all that sacrifice for me, the least I can do is suffer from a few bed sores to show my support.” We did believe it since Mr. Huber smelled like an old sock you find in a gym bag fifty years after you graduated high school.

So we asked what Mr. Huber’s family thought about all the notoriety he was receiving after his encounter with Trump last Saturday. “Would you like to meet them?”  Of course, and he ran into the adjacent room (I’m sorry, box) to get his wife.  “I’ll just be a moment,” he yelled, “she takes a while to get blown up.” A few minutes later, Huber sat a five-foot blow-up doll next to him that looked remarkably like Melania Trump. “Ain’t she a beauty,” his eyes were gleeming, “we’ve been married for ten years.” When I pointed out that it was a blow-up doll he got that look in his eye that alarmed the Secret Service. We quickly moved on.

“Get the kids in here, honey.” But that doll just stared straight ahead with a blank look, just like the real Melania. “Never mind, dear, you look tired. I’ll get them.” Off to another box (I mean room), and returned with Barbie and Ken dolls. “Look just like their beautiful Mom. This one’s Ivanka, this one is Tiffany, and the boy is Barron.” What about the two larger dolls laying in the corner of the living room? “Oh, that’s Donald, Jr., and Eric. They’re dummies.”

As we wrapped up the interview, the time came to meet the reason we came, the cardboard cutout Mr. Huber calls his president. We entered a room lined with lit candles, which in a home of cardboard boxes seemed a bit problematic. But there it was, in all its glory, a six-foot replica of the Tangerine Tyrant. In the background, audio was playing of Trump’s inaugural address, now known as the “I Had a Nightmare” speech.Huber dropped to his knees, said a few prayers, and we quietly left to the sounds of “grab ’em by the p***y.”

As we drove away smoke seemed to be coming from Mr. Huber’s house of cardboard. We later found out that one of the candles started a fire and burned it to the ground. All that was left was a cardboard Trump standing in the middle of a smoldering mess. You know, just like in real life.

 

 

 

shady-bunch

Here’s the story of a Slovenian lady
Who was brought up to be beautiful and bold
She was just the age that Donald likes them,
No more than twelve years old.

Here’s the story, of a man who’s Shady,
Who was busy conning people from their bucks
He had four kids who were just like him,
Yes, they were cheating f**ks.

Till the one day, Don got rid of Marla Maples
And Melania was purchased over lunch,
And he took her home just like his other trophies,
That’s the way they all became the Shady Bunch.

This week Episode 415 of The Tim Corrimal Show opens with a crisis in the Shady’s big white house. It seems that Ivanka Shady, Don’s little daughter,  wants to follow in her daddy’s footsteps and cheat people out of millions of dollars. She decided one day that she will set up a little shop on the sidewalk outside her home and sell shoes. While all the kids were selling lemonade, Ivanka wanted to bring jobs back to her neighborhood by selling cheaply made shoes made in China. Fearing that her step-mother would not approve, she set up a secret supply chain from a Chinese sweat-shop to her home and stored her inventory in her father’s wig closet. To make room for her inventory, she threw all of her daddy’s wigs into an empty room where her father stored a curious yellow liquid that he collected on trips to Russia. In her haste, little Ivanka accidentally spilled a fifty-five-gallon drum of the liquid all over her dad’s wigs. She was in bigly trouble.

Little Ivanka had to replace the urine soaked wigs before her father found out. If she sold all her shoes, she would be able to replace the wigs and still have a little profit. But it all had to be done before the next week when her father was going to run for president of the neighborhood association.  She would need help!

First, she asked her step-brother, Steve Shady, for help. But Steve was a nasty bastard!  He was too busy running for president of his fraternity, Phi Amma Nazi, to bother helping his step-sister. He just laughed at her and said, “Honey badger don’t give a shit!” Desperate, she continued on to her other step-brother, Reince Shady, who said he had to go on Meet the Press and he only took orders from big brother Steve. What could Ivanka do? She had to sell these shoes fast, but she needed help. Then it came to her! She could always turn to the dependable and but dizzy housekeeper, Kellyanne.  She was always dizzy because of all the spinning she did. Though Kellyanne was a maid, she was considered just as Shady as the rest of the family. She came up with a plan.

First, take all the shoes to Nordstrom’s and tell them that Shady shoes are the best and greatest shoes ever, hand made in Italy by artful craftsmen using fine leather. This was a lie, of course, since the shoes were made of plastic and cardboard, just like her father’s career. But lying was part of business, just like her daddy always taught her. So it was all good and as soon as the money started rolling in from Nordstrom’s, Ivanka could replace the wigs.

The plan seemed to be perfect until complaints started pouring in. Nordstrom’s was extremely upset because customers complained that as soon as the shoes got wet, the cardboard disintegrated and left them wearing nothing but plastic bags. Kellyanne tried to convince the department store that they were the Joni Ernst collection. Nordstrom’s did not buy it and dropped the entire line. When they announced they would no longer carry Shady shoes, word got back to Donald Shady. He confronted the maid, Kellyanne, who confessed what she was doing with Ivanka. Fearful that Donald would fire her, she threw Ivanka under the bus and told him about the wigs. She was surprised when Donald started to laugh and laugh. He explained that the wigs were already soaked in urine. Why did she think they were all yellow!

A big family meeting was called and Ivanka told her story to the entire family. Steven Shady said for the first time that he was proud of his little sister and awarded her the Order of the German Cross. The show ends with the entire Shady family sitting on the huge wall Donald built in the back yard to keep their Mexican neighbors out. As the episode ends, Donald takes the nuclear biscuit out of his pocket and, to the delight of his kids, he launches a warhead toward Australia.

Tune in next week for another hilarious episode when Donald Shady accuses his neighbor’s Chihuahua of delivering their morning paper and taking away American dog’s jobs.

414-1

This week on Episode 414 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we bring you highlights of Trump’s speech at the annual prayer breakfast on Thursday, one day after his meeting with black leaders to honor the beginning of Black History Month. Here is a recap of Mr. Trump’s remarks:

Thank you, everyone, for coming out today to pray to me and have this wonderful breakfast that was one of the best prayer breakfast ever. The steaks were huge and the eggs were scrambled, just like my executive orders.  I’m impressed with the turnout today. I’m looking over the crowd and it looks to me like a million or a million and a half people jammed in here. Of course, the dishonest press won’t report that they are so dishonest. Really, it’s a good thing Jesus and God are here as my special guests to witness the size of the crowd. And if the media doesn’t report the right numbers this time, God has promised to turn Wolf Blitzer into a lump of salt and send locusts to infest Chuck Todd’s goatee. People are coming up to me and saying “Mr. President, this is going to be the most watched episode of “Celebrity  Prayer Breakfast” ever. Through the roof! Anyway, we are not here to talk about ratings but prayer.

Before I start, I want to thank God and his son Jesus for coming here today. I know they are almost as busy as I am, so thank you. They have had a remarkable run and have done a terrific job, so let’s give them a round of applause! I plan to appoint them God and Savior for another year, so guys, your job is secure. I’m just joking, we’ll have to see.

Anyway, let me mention my meeting with the blacks yesterday. We were there to celebrate Black History Month. I am happy my administration decided to give blacks a whole month, not just Black Friday like under Obama. And it was a disaster with people pushing and shoving to buy cheap tvs for their black friends.  Actually, I don’t have any black friends because for some reason my father never had any black tenants in our building. Luckily Omarosa and Ben Carson brought a bunch of their black friends to the meeting and we talked about Frederick Douglass who is a terrific guy. Fred are you here? I don’t see him. Stand up Fred so we can give you a big hand! What…Oh…he is?! Anyway, I loved Douglass family, although My Three Sons, never had the ratings I had, but then who did? Certainly not Arnold Schwarzenegger, who’s ratings are going down the tubes. So, since we have to pray, let’s pray for Arnold.

But first, I want to talk about Bowling Green and the massacre there. It seems that there was a terrible massacre there that the dishonest press refused to cover, but my advisor Kellyanne Conway was able to slip it by Chris Matthews.  Over three million people were killed there by Hillary Clinton’s mobs. Now, the dishonest press (and they are so dishonest) say that not that many people live in Bowling Green. But this is the same press that falsely reported that Inauguration Day was January 21 so all those people showed up to support me a day late.  Anyway, let us have a moment of silence for all the people who were not killed in Bowling Green.

And now, from The Two Corinthians,  Trump’s Prayer:

Donald Trump, who art from heaven, hallowed be my name, since it has been on the cover of Time magazine more times than Tom Brady. My kingdom come, because I won a tremendous victory in the electoral college and would have won the popular vote if it wasn’t for all those illegal votes in California. My will be done, because I will issue execitive orders, on Earth as it is in Trump Tower. Give us this day our daily briefings, and forgive the press their trespasses, as they are dishonest, and lead us not into temptation to hire Russian hookers, but deliver us from NAFTA and so called Federal judges. Amen

 

413

Offered for your consideration, on Episode 413 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the curious case of Kellyanne Conway.  A normal little girl, who one night fell from her bed, hit her head and rolled underneath. There, unknown to her or her family was a portal into another dimension. Despite her parents’ attempts to bring her back, Kellyanne was lost to a world where lies become fact, tiny is large, and five people are considered a large crowd. Despite their desperate attempts, from that point on, Kellyanne was to live her life in a world of imagination, a place of fantasy a place of horror, a place known as…The Trump Zone.

As our story opens, Kellyanne’s parents are frantic because their daughter has come under the spell of a creature who is with her in the unknown dimension. She describes him as an orange saviour, someone who knows all and sees everything, even if what he sees is not really there at all. He sees large crowds where there is absolutely nothing. He believes that he is extremely wealthy and that millions of people love him, even though in this strange place there is no one but him and Kellyanne. And most frightening of all, he is able to lure people from our own dimension into his with a strange device called a Blackberry and something he refers to as a Twitter.

Fearful that more people like Kellyanne will be lured in by this orange menace, her parents frantically search for an expert in the field of interrogation and truth. Instead, they are only able to find a curious little man with a weird haircut named Chuck Todd. Chuck immediately goes to work and begins to ask Kellyanne questions, trying to make her see that what is true in that dimension is not true in ours. He started with what he thought would be a simple test. Holding up a photograph of the Trump inaugural next to one of the Obama inaugural, he asked Kellyanne, “Which of these pictures has more people?” The delusional child was quick to respond, “Why the Trump one, of course, Chuck!” Everyone was befuddled because the Trump picture was blank while there were over a million people in the Obama photo. “But Kellyanne, the Obama crowd is obviously larger. Can’t you see that?” “Oh, Chuck, you are just being overly dramatic!”, Kelly snapped, “you simply can’t see the ten million people in the Trump photo, but I and the Trumpoid can!”

Chuck was beside himself. Apparently, in the other dimension, facts don’t matter and the inhabitants see what they want. Chuck had seen this during acid trips and crack hangovers, but never in an entire universe. He tried to reason with Kellyanne, “But what you are saying is a lie. It just isn’t true.” But Kellyanne was unshaken. Thoroughly under the spell of the Trumpoid, lost in a dimension full mirrors and smoke, she was no longer attached to reality. “We have another word for lies here, Chuck, they are called ‘alternative  facts'”

Chuck was stunned! As word got out that an entire universe existed based on “alternative facts”, our world began to panic. What was real was not real anymore. Everyone began to question what was true or what was fake. Drivers began driving on the wrong side of the road, police no longer issued tickets to drivers following “alternative speed limits”, Vladimir Putin wore a shirt and Mitch McConnell had a chin. Yes, the world was burning and everything we thought was true was now in question.

Kelleyanne Conway. An ordinary little girl in extraordinary circumstances, trapped in a world of tiny fingers, orange skin, and terrible combovers.  A little girl with a bump on her head and a ticket to a world of illusion caught somewhere between sanity and a place that is known as…The Trump Zone.

412

This week, on Episode 412 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we investigate The Swamp Things! They were formed in an industrial accident when doctors, billionaires, crooked CEO’s, and Russian agents were accidentally splashed with a golden shower and, in an attempt to wash it off, ran into… Trump Swamp! The chemical reaction of urine and bullshit caused them to transform into The Swamp Things. Part dung, part snake, and part vegetation, they emerged from Trump Swamp to menace Capitol Hill, posing as cabinet appointments. For hours they waged a battle this week with our heroic defenders, the Senate Democrats, who skillfully fought off every attempt to cover Washington with the slime that they would fling from their deformed mouths.

First swamp rat was Betsy DeVos, who came from the Amway family fortune. Now anyone who has been to an Amway party knows, this will smell of cheap plastic and end with us taking an empty container we have no use for. Betsy tried to defend having guns in schools by using the same logic Ralphie used to get his mother to let him have a BB gun for Christmas:

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store!

That’s right, in response to Sen Chris Murphy’s question about the guns in schools, she gave the “Ralphie Defense”, “I think probably in Wyoming, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies,” DeVos said. Yes, when grizzlies attack, Betsy wants her schools to be ready. But Sen. Murphy had the perfect response, “You’ll shoot your eye out, Betsy!”

The next swamp rat was Tom Price, the doctor turned stock broker congressman. When asked about investing in a company just six days before he sponsored legislation that would increase its value four-fold, he simply responded, “my broker did that.” That’s right, it was just a coincidence, like when you hire hookers to piss on your sheets and they end up with yellow stains.  Go figure!

And then came Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon turned building inspector. He will be your next HUD secretary and his intentions are pure. When asked if he would prevent the president’s businesses from making money on programs intended for the poor, he assured us of what we all knew, “It will not be my intention to do anything to benefit any American.” That’s right, while he’s the HUD secretary, no one gets anything! And anyway, Ben wonders if we need an entire department dedicated to a 1963 Paul Newman movie anyway. “I think the money would be better spent on preventing Ebola from being weaponized. “So if there were a container of contaminated urine, and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace a lot of damage could be done. Someone comes up to a lab worker. He knows he’s got the urine. ‘How would you like to have a million dollars?’ … Such things have been known to happen.” Yep, Ben, just ask your boss.

And finally there was the Energy Department’s answer to Dumb and Dumber, Rick Perry. At his hearings, he apologized for ever wanting to dissove the agency he now wants to lead. After all, he misunderstood what the Department of Energy did. Before this hearing, he thought it was wasteful to have an agency dedicated to maintaining a bunny banging a drum. When the senators informed him that he would be responsible for nukes, he was visibly shocked.  “I thought it was just about batteries,” he told the senators, ” I never imagined there were microwave ovens involved. I thought this job would be as easy as 1,2,…uh…I can’t think of the other one. OOPS!” And he looked so smart with those horn-rimmed glasses.

So as this week’s confirmation hearings only confirmed on thing: When you wade into a swamp, you’re going to stink. But since this is only the first full week of the Trump presidency, give it a while. Just like swamp fungus, it may grow on you!