443

On Thursday, Axios reported that Sean Spicer was known to have taken copious notes during his career, including his time as White House Press Secretary. Those notes will be what Axios describes as a “honey pot” of information that the Meuller team will undoubtedly be interested in reading. The Clown Car was able to discover some of the revelations contained in those notes:

  • As part of his job as press secretary, Spicer was expected to clean up after the president played with his Leggos.
  • Trump never wore pants in the Oval Office.
  •  Steve Bannon would often give Sean a wedgie right before a press briefing, accounting for his frequent foul moods
  • Trump once spent an entire day trying to call the prime minister of Nambia.
  • After every conversation with Putin, Trump would wet himself.
  • During that famous press briefing the day after the inauguration, Spicer was wearing a suit he borrowed from Chris Christie.
  • Donald Trump’s pajamas have a picture of  Vladimir Putin’s on the trap door.
  • When Donald Trump was unhappy with one of Spicer’s performances, he would have Kelly Anne Conway repeatedly kick him in the balls.
  • Mike Pence’s hair is actually made from dryer lint.
  • Sarah Huckabee Sanders is a computer-generated image.
  • Before hiring Anthony Scaramucci, Donald Trump offered the job of Communications Director to “Snooky” Polizzi.
  • Last Easter, Reince Priebus once tried to escape the White House by hiding in Sean Spicer’s bunny costume.
  • Kelly Anne Conway once ate the liver of one of her staffers with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.
  • John Kelly made Steve Bannon wear a flea and tick collar.

On July 21, Sean Spicer became unemployed, ending an epic run of six months. As far as future employment, Sean will be appearing daily on Times Square as Yosemite Sam, so be sure to tip him.

 

 

442

Ted Cruz likes porn, this according to…well…Ted Cruz. Late Monday, Ted pressed the like button to place a “heart” expressing his approval of a pornographic video that included two women and a man. The Clown Car can confirm that the man was not Ted Cruz. However, as previously reported here on the Clown Car Update, college roommates have told us that he did have definite tastes in his masturbatory repertoire. So we asked his roommates to give us more detail of the kind of porn sites Ted used to make his putter flutter. Here’s a partial list of what they told us:

BibleBimbos.com: Re-live Ted’s favorite sex stories from his favorite book, the Bible. See just how big Jonah’s whale really was. Read just what a burning bush really means. And see what else Moses was able to do with his magic staff. If you like Bible stories like Ted Cruz, you will love this site. Just don’t stare at it too long, or your pillar may turn to salt!

TexasTarts.com: Nothing is bigger than Texas porn site and this one can show you more positions than Donald Trump on an early morning tweetstorm. So do like Ted does and grab your panhandle and squeeze hard and enjoy the Lone Star porn stars! And remember, in Ted’s Texas, size does matter!

PaisleyPleasure.com: This one is inspired by Ted’s famous paisley robe from his college masturbation days. Take a nostalgic XXX tour of the early 90s when Ted was keeping his roommate awake with his squeaky mattress and sticky keyboard. Just click on the shaking bunkbed and away you go! You can enjoy all the porn videos that put a lump in Ted’s paisley robe.

ChokingtheChicken.com: Relax PETA, there are no real chickens being chocked on this site, just little Ted’s. On it, Ted Cruz himself shares some of his favorite masturbatory techniques which include “The Noah Flood” and “Shake the Bunkbed” If you plan to use that last one, you might want to ask your roommate to sleep somewhere else that night. As Ted warns, it might be a bumpy ride for the guy in the top bunk.

RightWingFlings.com: WARNING: All the men on this site look like Sean Hannity and all the women look like Ann Coulter. Click on this site and among the moans and grunts you will always hear someone whispering, “a little to the right!” If you are a Tea Bagger (and you wouldn’t be here if you haven’t done some teabagging) this one Ted has picked especially for you. Video titles include “Footsie at the Airport” and “Diaper Desire” While you romp through these videos, try to pick out your Senator or Congressman. He’s in there somewhere.

TrickleDown.com: This tempting porn treat comes with a warning: Put a plastic cover on the keyboard because this site will make a big splash! Inspired by the famous Steele Dossier, this website is dedicated to Golden Showers. All the girls on this are Russian and all the men are fat and look like Donald Trump. In fact, they look exactly like Donald Trump. I guess you can say that this is Ted’s favorite “streaming” site.

These are just a few of the many websites Ted has enjoyed and over the years. Many of them have received the highest award given to Ted Cruz porn sites, his Facebook “PeePee” Award. All Ted asks is that if you enjoy his choices, go over to his Facebook page and give him a “like” to let him know you came.

 

 

 

 

441

The Ballad of Chuck and Nancy

There was a young lady named Nancy
Whose head the Republicans fancied
She was smart, she was quick
She was really quite slick
If you crossed her your life got real chancy

And then there was Senator Chuck
Who was recently down on his luck
His majority lost
He was feeling the cost
Of a Senate that really did suck

One day Trump was elected our POTUS
And he put the whole country on notice
That with him as the head
Now Obamacare’s dead
And we’d never receive what was owed us

Mitch McConnell then whipped up a bill
To make Congress bend to his will
But the bill was defeated
And Mitch, he retreated
To swallow a big bitter pill

Then Harvey turned cities to moats
And people were rescued in boats
Trump said, “I’ll get you cash”
Mitch said, “Hey not so fast”
“I don’t think I could get all those votes”

Chuck and Nancy were sitting there still
Then said, “We can deliver a bill”
“In exchange for a deal,”
“Why it’s really a steal”
“You just have to bend to our will!”

Mitch and Ryan began to sweat
Trump said, “Chuck, you guys have a plan I would bet”
Chuck said, “Raise the debt ceiling”
Nancy said, “DACA healing”
Trump exclaimed,”That’s is it, we’re all set!”

Well the Tea Baggers’ faces turned red
They declared, “Mitch and Ryan are dead!”
“This is treason!”, they screamed
“This is one long, bad dream!”
“Mitch and Ryan, off with their heads!”

But Trump was as pleased as could be
‘Cause the press they just loved it, you see
Chuck and Nancy prevailed
Where the Teabaggers failed
And Trump smiled as he watched his TV

All the pundits were praising
Chuck and Nancy were raving
Of how POTUS and they made a deal
Mitch sat licking his wounds
Ryan sulked in his room
Watching their leadership caving

But don’t make a big fuss
For the lesson for us
Is just how Chucklosi succeeded
Just make Trump look like gold
And he’ll always be sold
Throwing Ryan and Mitch under the bus!

440-1

Has this ever happened to you? You’re at an important sales meeting with black clients and your boss tells them how much better off the slaves were before they were emancipated? Or you are at a wedding reception and your plus-one reveals how much they admired Hitler? Or you’re attending a Trump news conference where he just endorsed Nazi’s and you are a member of his cabinet? You try to pretend that everything is normal, but it’s hard to keep a smile on your face, right? Well, worry no more because for all those socially awkward and embarrassing moments there is now relief. All you need is PermaSmile!

Yes, PermaSmile is the newest treatment for the embarrassment of being associated with an asshole. PermaSmile has been clinically proven to keep a smile on your face no matter how much you want to punch that jerk next to you in the face. You no longer have to worry how you are going to keep a stupid grin on your face while your boss is making a complete ass of him or herself. Just use PermaSmile before every event and stand there like an idiot knowing that all public sees is those pearly whites!

Developed by members of Trump’s White House staff, PermaSmile is the only proven effective treatment for Shocked Face Syndrome or SFS. Take it from Donald J. Trumps’ associates, the people who suffered for the last eight months next to the most obnoxious man on the planet saying the most vulgar and hateful things. Just listen to their testimonials:

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan says,

I used to pee myself every time I had to be with him in public. Now, with PermaSmile, I can go out with confidence knowing that no matter what vile vitriol comes from his mouth, I will be smiling the whole time!

And Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao, who has to stand next to Donald Trump while he insults her husband, had this to say,

My brain tells me to turn and smash him right across that orange piehole, but thanks to PermaSmile, all the public sees is a stupid grin on my face. It fools everybody!

And finally, Sen. Dean Heller says,

He made me sit next to him while he threatened to primary my ass, but thanks to PermaSmile, all you ever saw was a shit-eating grin on my face. My smile said ‘ha, ha’ while my brain said ‘go fuck yourself, Donnie!’

Tell your doctor before taking a job in the Trump White House because PermaSmile may not be for everyone. Do not use PermaSmile if you are allergic to its ingredients or have a pre-existing condition known as TAS (Trump Aversion Syndrome). Consult your doctor if you experience any of the following symptoms: Fox News Addiction, Sean Hannity Brain Loss, Roger Stone Face, or Jeffrey Lord Dementia. Seek emergency treatment for a smile lasting more than four hours as this may lead to permanent damage or a condition known as “Joker Face.”

Remember, use PermaSmile for all your anxious, awkward moments. PermaSmile is available in spray, cream, or a fast acting suppository with a tiny hand applicator.

“PermaSmile: Smile Though Your Heart is Aching!”

Permasmile has not been approved by the FDA and has not been proven to prevent or cure any condition such as being a deplorable Trump supporter.

Here is a speech by the president of the United States to the American people. It addresses a long war of which most Americans had grown weary. The president, who was a long time critic of the war, was now in the Oval Office. He now had a different view. So he came up with a secret plan to win the war where his two predecessors failed. The plan, he said, was secret and the details would not be revealed, but we were to trust him and his generals that he would get us an honorable win. No, it was not last night. No, the war was not in Afghanistan. No, it was not President Trump. No, it was not August 21, 2017. It was November 3, 1969, and it was President Richard M. Nixon presenting his “secret plan” to bring peace with honor.

Now, if you are my age, you know how that all worked out. If you are too young to have lived through those times, read your history books. Some suggestions would be The Best and the Brightest” by David Halberstam and “The Pentagon Papers”.  After you have digested the contents of these two books, ask yourself, “what has changed?” The answer I believe you will find is “NOTHING!” The government lied to us then, and they are lying to us now. The President then and now were corrupt grifters who sold the American people a dystopic vision of America that they claimed only they could fix. And the generals around them made a career of making war and deceiving the American people that they could win a war they knew was already hopelessly lost. Like the French before us, we failed in Vietnam because we trusted generals whose only plan was to wage war and we trusted politicians whose only plan was to perpetuate their power. Welcome to Trump, Afghanistan, and 2017!

On April 30, 1975, the war in Vietnam came to an end with the last of our people having to be rescued from the roof of our embassy as the North Vietnam Army poured into Saigon. After twenty years, there were over one trillion dollars spent, over 58,000 American troops and 1.4 million South Vietnamese killed. And for what? To have the same result we wasted all that blood and treasure to avoid. Sound familiar?

Afghanistan has been labeled “The Graveyard of Empires.” From the losses of Alexander the Great, the Anglo-Afghan Wars of the 19th and 20th Centuries, and the Soviet Unions incursions in the 1980s, Afghanistan has proven a place where great powers go to die. It is the same today. Our president and our generals are lying to us and, worse, asking us to blind ourselves to history. What they are not telling you is what they really know: We will never win in Afghanistan and whenever the day comes that we do leave, the result will be exactly what they said we could avoid. We will lose Afghanistan to the Taliban as we lost South Vietnam to the NVA. They all lied to us in the 1960s, and they are lying to us now.

 

439

Anthropologists and Civil War historians were thrilled this week to discover a long lost artifact of the Confederacy that they never knew existed. The discovery was made even more remarkable in that it was unearthed in New York City. Among a group of ordinary elevator-passengers was discovered a relic of the 19th Century, an orange tinged racist politician. What made the find even more remarkable was that it was still talking. “It was saying the vilest, hateful things I have ever heard,” one worker said, “It was like the Civil War never ended.” Another worker who was being treated for exposure to the racist language said “It was just horrifying! It literally took my breath away.”

“This discovery is absolutely remarkable,” one Civil War expert told us. “To see a living, breathing southern racist from the 19th Century alive and speaking in our midst is simply amazing.” Other historians and Civil War buffs were excited by the discovery and the possibility that there could be more like him on the same elevator. “I’ll bet there are a lot of 19th Century racists around here, and we probably don’t have to look too far to find them,” Dan Winthrop, a Civil War re-enactor predicted. “I never thought people like him still existed in 2017”, he declared.

Gene Helm, a forensic anthropologist said that the specimen was not very well preserved and exhibited signs of a very bad diet of junk food and ice cream. “It was extremely bloated and had an odd fungus growing on the top of his head. It looks like a two scoop a day habit.” She was somewhat perplexed by the orange color of the skin. “Either someone pissed on his grave or on him when he was still alive.” After the unearthing in Trump Tower, thousands of racists revealed themselves from under rocks and caves where no one ever wanted to look. “We have a leader now,” one white supremacist declared while holding a Tiki torch he had just purchased from Home Depot, “and he’s got a full set of teeth to boot!”

Chris Cantwell, a.k.a. The Weeping Nazi was overwhelmed with emotion. “I just can’t stop crying, but these are tears of joy! Now that we have a real 19th Century racist on our side, maybe I can get back on OkCupid. Just call 631-791-5842 and ask for the ‘Grim Weeper’.”

But not everyone was thrilled with the discovery. Mary Scott, a restaurant owner in Bowling Green and a survivor of that infamous massacre, told us, “We thought people like that were extinct. I hope there aren’t too many left.”  And the discovery of what is being called “The Lost Racist” prompted a fierce reaction from Senators and Congressmen alike. “This revelation in Trump Tower is absolutely unacceptable,” said, one Republican senator who wanted his remarks to remain off the record. “But one thing is certain,” he continued, “that artifact must be removed from the Oval Office!” And The Clown Car couldn’t agree more!

438

The crisis with North Korea heated up this morning with new threats being exchanges between Washington and Pyongyang. In a series of manic tweets, Donald Trump warned that if Kim Jong-un continues to threaten the United States, it will result in a pissing contest “the likes of which the world has never seen before.” Tweeting in the pre-dawn morning Sunday, Trump said, “I mean this will be a literal pissing contest. I will personally go to North Korea and piss all over their puny nuclear warhead. And believe me, I am able to to that because I assure you there is no problem down there, no matter what Little Kim or Little Marco said about me!”

Kim was quick to fire back tweeting, “He’s always calling me Little Kim, but for a man over six feet tall, he must have the penis of a. Just look at those tiny hands. And you know what they say about a man with tiny hands?” Trump responded with another tweet. “Little Kim best not keep saying I have a little penis or he will feel its fire and fury!” to which Kim quickly replied, “Sounds like a urinary tract infection. If I were him, I would get that looked at. That’s if they could locate his tiny penis.” Kim added, “We consider his penis no more than a lump which we can beat to a jelly any time.”

That last remark seemed to set Trump off and he ordered Gen. Mattis to prepare for a major global pissing contest. “I will piss on Kim like a Russian hooker,” Trump tweeted, “and it won’t be pretty, believe me! My dick is locked and loaded!” For his part, Secretary Mattis and cautioned the president against threats that would cause a miscalculation. “This could get very messy quickly. He may try to piss on Kim and end up pissing all over the people in Seoul. Anyone who has seen his bathroom floor knows his aim is not very good. And he always leaves the seat up,” Mattis said.

Reaction across the country and the world was mixed. Critics of the president denounced the idea of public urination. One mother told us, “For parents with bedwetters, this is a disaster.” But supporters had a different view. Anthony Scaranucci, Trump’s former communication’s chief said, “I love the president. I love when he pisses on people. As the Mooch always says, ‘better pissed off than pissed on.” But for the people of Guam, there was this dire warning: “If the piss starts to fly, do not look up as it will blind you. Also, do not use conditioner on your hair as it will bind urine to your hair.”

As for who would win a pissing contest between Trump and Kim, it seems some people have no doubt. Five Russian hookers in a joint statement issued this warning to the North Korean leader: “Don’t bet against Donald Trump in a pissing contest. Take it from us, this guy could take a soaking!”

 

 

437

This week on Episode 437 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we discussed the newly leaked transcripts of the phone conversation between Donnie and real world leaders. But in a Clown Car exclusive, we have obtained a transcript of a phone call that was never reported between Trump and one of his favorite contractors.

But first, a story that has touched the hearts of all Americans. Last week it was revealed that our heroic United States Secret Service was evicted from Trump Tower when Donald Trump turned a tiny thumbs-down on a new lease forcing the brave agents to relocate to the street below. Braving the summer swelter and choking on exhaust fumes, these brave men and women honored their mission to protect their penis challenged orange client by working out of a hot dog cart in front of Trump Tower. Now, they need your help.  If you are in the vicinity of Trump Tower, please go and buy a tiny hot dog called a “Donnie”, an orange slush, or a bag of Trump Tiny Nuts to show your support for these patriotic Americans. Every penny will go to protect our Secret Service Agents from the insensitivity of their prick landlord!

And now, exclusive to The Clown Car Update, here is the transcript of the call between Trump and his favorite contractor, Satan:

Satan: Beelzebub, here. Hell is where your heart is. To whom am I speaking?

Trump: It’s me.

Satan: Oh, Donnie. How are things going? That’s a great deal you made; your soul for Ohio, Pennsylvania, and Michigan. I don’t think anybody saw that coming!

Trump: No, and you can’t talk like that to the press, OK? It makes me look bad. But that’s not why I called. There’s a problem up here and you have to fix it.

Satan: Donnie, we already discussed this. I can’t do anything about your hands or your penis. That was the Big Guy, you know? There are some things I just can’t fix.

Trump: No, no. Not that. It’s this Russia investigation. I thought my soul got me eight years as president. They are talking about removing me and replacing me with that pasty leggo guy.

Satan: I think you misunderstood the deal, Donnie. Your soul got you elected. I never said anything about eight years.

Trump: But it’s right here, in Section Three of the Contract, “For your immortal soul you get to win the the presidential election and get eight years.” It’s in black and white.

Satan: First, you should not be bringing up black and white with me after I got Jeff Session through as Attorney General. Second, you are misreading that clause. You get elected and eight years in prison. It’s in the footnote after the asterisk.

Trump: I never read the whole contract. I never read those things. Reading is for losers. I make great deals without reading.

Satan: Yes, my man Putin told me that. He said that deal you signed with those Russian hookers was a real pisser! AHAHAHAHAH!

Trump: If those tapes get out it will kill me!  My wig is all wet and I have shrinkage! This is a killer. And I owe him a lot of money too.

Satan: I know. That’s why I had him handle your election rigging. It was one of my best moves. He looks great on a horse too!

Trump:  I’ve been making calls all day, and yours was the most unpleasant. At least Putin was nice to me. This was bad. And my other line is ringing.

Satan: Oh yeah, that would be Bob Mueller. Anyway, I have another call too. This Eric Bolling is a real crybaby!

It should be noted that we contacted the White House for a comment and received this email from Steve Bannon, Trump’s chief strategist: “Go f**k yourself, you lying motherf**ker. I’m busy sucking my own c**k!” Satan never responded to our request for comment, but we think he and Bannon are the same guy.

 

 

 

436

On Episode 436 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we recapped this long week’s events:

On Monday, Jared Kushner appeared before investigators from the Senate Intelligence Committee to testify about his meetings with Russian officials. In an eleven page prepared statement, he claimed that in the meeting with Donald, Jr. and Russian intelligence operatives, he was so disinterested that he texted an aide asking “Can u pls call me on my cell? Need excuse to get out of meeting.” He later texted the same aide asking, “Can u pls call Ivanka and tell her we are having an affair? Need excuse to get out of administration!”

Kushner said in his statement that his failure to reveal the meetings with Russian officials can be easily explained by his busy schedule and inexperience in politics. Kushner recalled, “I was so busy going from meeting to meeting I even forgot my potty training at times. It got messy!”

*****

Also Monday, Duke of Orange gave a speech at the annual Boy Scout Jamboree. After the controversial talk in which he described to forty thousand underage boys what it was like to have an orgy on a yacht, he recalled his own experience avoiding the Boy Scouts. He explained that, like with the military, he avoided joining due to a scalp fungus and the fact that there was no pussy grabbing merit badge.

*****

On Tuesday, in a speech in Youngstown, Ohio,  Twitler imagined being put on Mount Rushmore. The National Park Service later Tweeted: “Surveyed available rock. Not enough space available for his ass.”

*****

Late Wednesday, newly appointed White House consigliere Tony “Walnuts” Scaramucci threatened to call the FBI on Chief of Staff Reince Priebus unless he stops leaking information about him and having the staff call him Scaramucus. On Thursday, Reince Priebus called the FBI himself after waking up with the severed head of the Easter Bunny in his bed with a note that said: “Sean Spicer sleeps with the fishes!”

*****

On Thursday, Congress dealt Trump a setback to his love affair with Vladimir Putin. They passed a veto-proof bill that put heavy sanctions on Russia. “It was a big blow more disturbing than the one Steve Bannon does to himself,” said Anthony Scramucci.

Early Friday morning, America’s death panel, A.K.A. the Republican party,  lost a crucial vote in their attempt to kill Obamacare when John McCain cast the deciding “no” vote killing what the GOP referred to as the “skinny repeal”. Not to be discouraged, Mitch McConnell promised to fight on to repeal the ACA with an “anorexic repeal”. Other plans he has lined up are the “bulimic repeal”, the “average build repeal”, and the “plus size appeal”.

*****

And finally, late on Friday, Reince was thrown under the Prie-bus. After months of speculation that Reince Priebus would be replaced, Donald Trump finally pulled the trigger and fired the beleaguered chief of staff. But still afraid of his ex-boss, Reince issued this carefully worded statement: “The president was very good to me, even when he took me into the Oval Office last night and had the entire cabinet kick me in the balls. That actually didn’t hurt as much as when he held me and let Scaramucci punch me until he ruptured my spleen. Even though it was a terrible beating and doctors warn that there still may be some internal bleeding, it was my honor if it helped advance this president’s agenda. I wish Anthony and the president all the best and apologize for any scratches they may have incurred on their hands from my rib fragments”

Preibus will be reassigned to the position of equipment manager on the newly resurrected Trump University football team. Head coach Anthony Scaramucci brags that they will be “the dirtiest meanest, most intimidating cock-suckers in the NCAA! GO PRICKS!”

Twilight’s Last Gleaming?

Posted: July 25, 2017 in New Post

In the last few days, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have unveiled the Democratic plan for helping the middle class regain their footing in the changing economy of the Twenty-First Century. To those of you who have heard me on The Tim Corrimal Show and Turn Up the Night with Kenny Pick, you know that this is something I have been advocating for a long time. In fact, the day after the House pulled the first version of their “health care” bill, I warned that it would be a tragically missed opportunity for the Democrats not to offer an alternative to the bile flowing from the gut of the depraved Republican party. My view has been for a long time that to simply oppose their destruction of the social safety net was not enough. They must remind American voters that it has been the Liberal Democrats who through the Great Depression, the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s, and the Great Recession of 2008, fought for the preservation of the American Dream for everyone.

As encouraged as I am about this first step in presenting a Democratic vision, there is a chorus of voices running through the party that is obsessed with “connecting with the disaffected Trump voters.” They warn against “identity politics” and encourage the party to tone down its commitment to justice for the disaffected and the disadvantaged. They see a disadvantage in standing for the rights of the LGBTQ community, supporting Black Lives Matter, fair immigration reform, workers bargaining rights, and justice for every American whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist.

To me, these things are the soul of the Democratic Party. Caring about social justice and economic fairness has always gone hand and hand with Liberal ideals. They are not mutually exclusive and need not be separated in an effort to achieve electoral success. To the Trump voters who only seek validation of their bigotry, who only see justice in denying the rights of others, I say to hell with them. If the price of power requires catering to this basket of depolorables and their need to feel superior to anyone who is not what they consider “real Americans”, if selling our soul is the path to electoral victory, then maybe the republic we love so much is already lost.