417

On Episode 417 of the Tim Corrimal Show we tackle the question left from this week news: Will the Trump be sharing a cell or be given individual accommodations. Whichever way this goes, a smart investor would be looking into companies that make handcuffs. Soon after Trump held the first ever Klan meeting in front of a joint session of congress, the tweets hit the fan. First, there was a Washington Post report that numerous Trump campaign workers, including the shiny new AG,  were actually little Russian dingleberries hanging off Putin’s ass. Almost simultaneously, the New York Times reported that anticipating that Trump cultists would try to wash away evidence in a drum of Kool-Aid, Obama administration officials squirreled away evidence damaging to the Orange Oracle.

And if that was not enough, on Friday the first leprechaun in history to be appointed AG was forced to recuse himself from any investigation of the Trump campaign because he accidentally kissed the Russian ambassador’s ass in full view of his staff. That was enough to put the Lemon Lout into an epic twitter frenzy on Saturday that had his aides running for the life boats.

So the Clown Car Update wants to know just when did Sergey Kislyak infiltrate the White House and how do we know?  Here are the top ten clues that a Russian agent has compromised the White House:

#10 There is electronic feedback coming from Trump’s wig.

#9   Before directing your call, the switchboard operator says “Das vadanya!”

#8   The presidents Big Mac just asked him so speak more clearly

#7   That painting of Andrew Jackson just winked!

#6   Ever since the White House cook’s mysterious death, the soup of the day is borscht.

#5   The president’s intelligence briefings are suddenly in Cyrillic script.

#4   The Olympic Doping Committee has asked your staff for urine samples

#3   Putin’s Face is suddenly on all the White House screensavers

#2   Who ordered the red curtains?

#1    No, that wasn’t Sean Spicer in that Easter Bunny costume!

Incidentally, Mr. Trump, Sergey wants you to know he will return your wallet as soon as his people are finished copying your account numbers. But look at it this way, Donnie, that investment you made in all those private prisons is about to pay off!

416

This week on Episode 416 of The Tim Corrimal Show we are introduced to a new character in the bizarre world of freaks and clowns known as the Trump Regime. His name was Gene Huber and he was yet another reminder of the through-the-looking-glass world we now live in. For those of you who may have missed his act, Gene was invited onstage by Herr Trump because he saw this lost soul on TV standing in line from 4 AM the day of the rally just to get a glimpse of the Orange Oligarch. From that moment, things spiraled into a surreal adventure in the fantasy world of Mr. Huber and his cardboard god.

While trying to conceal his erection, Mr. Huber stood onstage with the man that, until that moment, was only accessible to him in his nightly wet dreams. But here he was, right in front of him, the Lemon Lout himself, in full color and shaking his hand. To say the least, Gene Huber was stunned. Herr Trump actually hugged him and whispered in his ear that, as soon as this stunt was over, he better get right off the stage or he would be shot. It was a moment of magic. And then, just as Huber thought life could not get any better, Trump asked him to speak to the crowd. He proudly wiped away the tanning spray that rubbed off on him and stepped up to the mic. As a huge wet spot spread over his pants, he declared to the world how proud he was of the man Russia has code-named “Agent Wet Sheets”.

Later, during a CNN interview, Huber confessed to having a cardboard replica of Trump in his home that he prayed to every day. In an attempt to keep our listeners apprised of the deteriorating mental health the Trump Cult, the Clown Car caught with Mr. Huber at his home in Neverneverland. What we found was nothing less than shocking. Not only does he have a cardboard cutout of Trump, it turns out, the rest of his family is a fantasy too!

Huber’s home is actually a series of refrigerator boxes glued together into a three bedroom cardboard mansion. It was very roomy with the familiar smell of a FedEx warehouse. As we sat down on some wooden crates to talk politics, Huber became extremely animated. “I love the president!”, he blurted out, “so much that sometimes I want to jump out of my skin, which is white, by the way,” as if that was a question. He was sporting his Trump tee shirt, the same one he had on during his CNN interview. “I haven’t taken this shirt off since election day. Do you believe it! Even after it started to stick to me, I kept it on. I figure if the president can do all that sacrifice for me, the least I can do is suffer from a few bed sores to show my support.” We did believe it since Mr. Huber smelled like an old sock you find in a gym bag fifty years after you graduated high school.

So we asked what Mr. Huber’s family thought about all the notoriety he was receiving after his encounter with Trump last Saturday. “Would you like to meet them?”  Of course, and he ran into the adjacent room (I’m sorry, box) to get his wife.  “I’ll just be a moment,” he yelled, “she takes a while to get blown up.” A few minutes later, Huber sat a five-foot blow-up doll next to him that looked remarkably like Melania Trump. “Ain’t she a beauty,” his eyes were gleeming, “we’ve been married for ten years.” When I pointed out that it was a blow-up doll he got that look in his eye that alarmed the Secret Service. We quickly moved on.

“Get the kids in here, honey.” But that doll just stared straight ahead with a blank look, just like the real Melania. “Never mind, dear, you look tired. I’ll get them.” Off to another box (I mean room), and returned with Barbie and Ken dolls. “Look just like their beautiful Mom. This one’s Ivanka, this one is Tiffany, and the boy is Barron.” What about the two larger dolls laying in the corner of the living room? “Oh, that’s Donald, Jr., and Eric. They’re dummies.”

As we wrapped up the interview, the time came to meet the reason we came, the cardboard cutout Mr. Huber calls his president. We entered a room lined with lit candles, which in a home of cardboard boxes seemed a bit problematic. But there it was, in all its glory, a six-foot replica of the Tangerine Tyrant. In the background, audio was playing of Trump’s inaugural address, now known as the “I Had a Nightmare” speech.Huber dropped to his knees, said a few prayers, and we quietly left to the sounds of “grab ’em by the p***y.”

As we drove away smoke seemed to be coming from Mr. Huber’s house of cardboard. We later found out that one of the candles started a fire and burned it to the ground. All that was left was a cardboard Trump standing in the middle of a smoldering mess. You know, just like in real life.

 

 

 

shady-bunch

Here’s the story of a Slovenian lady
Who was brought up to be beautiful and bold
She was just the age that Donald likes them,
No more than twelve years old.

Here’s the story, of a man who’s Shady,
Who was busy conning people from their bucks
He had four kids who were just like him,
Yes, they were cheating f**ks.

Till the one day, Don got rid of Marla Maples
And Melania was purchased over lunch,
And he took her home just like his other trophies,
That’s the way they all became the Shady Bunch.

This week Episode 415 of The Tim Corrimal Show opens with a crisis in the Shady’s big white house. It seems that Ivanka Shady, Don’s little daughter,  wants to follow in her daddy’s footsteps and cheat people out of millions of dollars. She decided one day that she will set up a little shop on the sidewalk outside her home and sell shoes. While all the kids were selling lemonade, Ivanka wanted to bring jobs back to her neighborhood by selling cheaply made shoes made in China. Fearing that her step-mother would not approve, she set up a secret supply chain from a Chinese sweat-shop to her home and stored her inventory in her father’s wig closet. To make room for her inventory, she threw all of her daddy’s wigs into an empty room where her father stored a curious yellow liquid that he collected on trips to Russia. In her haste, little Ivanka accidentally spilled a fifty-five-gallon drum of the liquid all over her dad’s wigs. She was in bigly trouble.

Little Ivanka had to replace the urine soaked wigs before her father found out. If she sold all her shoes, she would be able to replace the wigs and still have a little profit. But it all had to be done before the next week when her father was going to run for president of the neighborhood association.  She would need help!

First, she asked her step-brother, Steve Shady, for help. But Steve was a nasty bastard!  He was too busy running for president of his fraternity, Phi Amma Nazi, to bother helping his step-sister. He just laughed at her and said, “Honey badger don’t give a shit!” Desperate, she continued on to her other step-brother, Reince Shady, who said he had to go on Meet the Press and he only took orders from big brother Steve. What could Ivanka do? She had to sell these shoes fast, but she needed help. Then it came to her! She could always turn to the dependable and but dizzy housekeeper, Kellyanne.  She was always dizzy because of all the spinning she did. Though Kellyanne was a maid, she was considered just as Shady as the rest of the family. She came up with a plan.

First, take all the shoes to Nordstrom’s and tell them that Shady shoes are the best and greatest shoes ever, hand made in Italy by artful craftsmen using fine leather. This was a lie, of course, since the shoes were made of plastic and cardboard, just like her father’s career. But lying was part of business, just like her daddy always taught her. So it was all good and as soon as the money started rolling in from Nordstrom’s, Ivanka could replace the wigs.

The plan seemed to be perfect until complaints started pouring in. Nordstrom’s was extremely upset because customers complained that as soon as the shoes got wet, the cardboard disintegrated and left them wearing nothing but plastic bags. Kellyanne tried to convince the department store that they were the Joni Ernst collection. Nordstrom’s did not buy it and dropped the entire line. When they announced they would no longer carry Shady shoes, word got back to Donald Shady. He confronted the maid, Kellyanne, who confessed what she was doing with Ivanka. Fearful that Donald would fire her, she threw Ivanka under the bus and told him about the wigs. She was surprised when Donald started to laugh and laugh. He explained that the wigs were already soaked in urine. Why did she think they were all yellow!

A big family meeting was called and Ivanka told her story to the entire family. Steven Shady said for the first time that he was proud of his little sister and awarded her the Order of the German Cross. The show ends with the entire Shady family sitting on the huge wall Donald built in the back yard to keep their Mexican neighbors out. As the episode ends, Donald takes the nuclear biscuit out of his pocket and, to the delight of his kids, he launches a warhead toward Australia.

Tune in next week for another hilarious episode when Donald Shady accuses his neighbor’s Chihuahua of delivering their morning paper and taking away American dog’s jobs.

414-1

This week on Episode 414 of the Tim Corrimal Show, we bring you highlights of Trump’s speech at the annual prayer breakfast on Thursday, one day after his meeting with black leaders to honor the beginning of Black History Month. Here is a recap of Mr. Trump’s remarks:

Thank you, everyone, for coming out today to pray to me and have this wonderful breakfast that was one of the best prayer breakfast ever. The steaks were huge and the eggs were scrambled, just like my executive orders.  I’m impressed with the turnout today. I’m looking over the crowd and it looks to me like a million or a million and a half people jammed in here. Of course, the dishonest press won’t report that they are so dishonest. Really, it’s a good thing Jesus and God are here as my special guests to witness the size of the crowd. And if the media doesn’t report the right numbers this time, God has promised to turn Wolf Blitzer into a lump of salt and send locusts to infest Chuck Todd’s goatee. People are coming up to me and saying “Mr. President, this is going to be the most watched episode of “Celebrity  Prayer Breakfast” ever. Through the roof! Anyway, we are not here to talk about ratings but prayer.

Before I start, I want to thank God and his son Jesus for coming here today. I know they are almost as busy as I am, so thank you. They have had a remarkable run and have done a terrific job, so let’s give them a round of applause! I plan to appoint them God and Savior for another year, so guys, your job is secure. I’m just joking, we’ll have to see.

Anyway, let me mention my meeting with the blacks yesterday. We were there to celebrate Black History Month. I am happy my administration decided to give blacks a whole month, not just Black Friday like under Obama. And it was a disaster with people pushing and shoving to buy cheap tvs for their black friends.  Actually, I don’t have any black friends because for some reason my father never had any black tenants in our building. Luckily Omarosa and Ben Carson brought a bunch of their black friends to the meeting and we talked about Frederick Douglass who is a terrific guy. Fred are you here? I don’t see him. Stand up Fred so we can give you a big hand! What…Oh…he is?! Anyway, I loved Douglass family, although My Three Sons, never had the ratings I had, but then who did? Certainly not Arnold Schwarzenegger, who’s ratings are going down the tubes. So, since we have to pray, let’s pray for Arnold.

But first, I want to talk about Bowling Green and the massacre there. It seems that there was a terrible massacre there that the dishonest press refused to cover, but my advisor Kellyanne Conway was able to slip it by Chris Matthews.  Over three million people were killed there by Hillary Clinton’s mobs. Now, the dishonest press (and they are so dishonest) say that not that many people live in Bowling Green. But this is the same press that falsely reported that Inauguration Day was January 21 so all those people showed up to support me a day late.  Anyway, let us have a moment of silence for all the people who were not killed in Bowling Green.

And now, from The Two Corinthians,  Trump’s Prayer:

Donald Trump, who art from heaven, hallowed be my name, since it has been on the cover of Time magazine more times than Tom Brady. My kingdom come, because I won a tremendous victory in the electoral college and would have won the popular vote if it wasn’t for all those illegal votes in California. My will be done, because I will issue execitive orders, on Earth as it is in Trump Tower. Give us this day our daily briefings, and forgive the press their trespasses, as they are dishonest, and lead us not into temptation to hire Russian hookers, but deliver us from NAFTA and so called Federal judges. Amen

 

413

Offered for your consideration, on Episode 413 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the curious case of Kellyanne Conway.  A normal little girl, who one night fell from her bed, hit her head and rolled underneath. There, unknown to her or her family was a portal into another dimension. Despite her parents’ attempts to bring her back, Kellyanne was lost to a world where lies become fact, tiny is large, and five people are considered a large crowd. Despite their desperate attempts, from that point on, Kellyanne was to live her life in a world of imagination, a place of fantasy a place of horror, a place known as…The Trump Zone.

As our story opens, Kellyanne’s parents are frantic because their daughter has come under the spell of a creature who is with her in the unknown dimension. She describes him as an orange saviour, someone who knows all and sees everything, even if what he sees is not really there at all. He sees large crowds where there is absolutely nothing. He believes that he is extremely wealthy and that millions of people love him, even though in this strange place there is no one but him and Kellyanne. And most frightening of all, he is able to lure people from our own dimension into his with a strange device called a Blackberry and something he refers to as a Twitter.

Fearful that more people like Kellyanne will be lured in by this orange menace, her parents frantically search for an expert in the field of interrogation and truth. Instead, they are only able to find a curious little man with a weird haircut named Chuck Todd. Chuck immediately goes to work and begins to ask Kellyanne questions, trying to make her see that what is true in that dimension is not true in ours. He started with what he thought would be a simple test. Holding up a photograph of the Trump inaugural next to one of the Obama inaugural, he asked Kellyanne, “Which of these pictures has more people?” The delusional child was quick to respond, “Why the Trump one, of course, Chuck!” Everyone was befuddled because the Trump picture was blank while there were over a million people in the Obama photo. “But Kellyanne, the Obama crowd is obviously larger. Can’t you see that?” “Oh, Chuck, you are just being overly dramatic!”, Kelly snapped, “you simply can’t see the ten million people in the Trump photo, but I and the Trumpoid can!”

Chuck was beside himself. Apparently, in the other dimension, facts don’t matter and the inhabitants see what they want. Chuck had seen this during acid trips and crack hangovers, but never in an entire universe. He tried to reason with Kellyanne, “But what you are saying is a lie. It just isn’t true.” But Kellyanne was unshaken. Thoroughly under the spell of the Trumpoid, lost in a dimension full mirrors and smoke, she was no longer attached to reality. “We have another word for lies here, Chuck, they are called ‘alternative  facts'”

Chuck was stunned! As word got out that an entire universe existed based on “alternative facts”, our world began to panic. What was real was not real anymore. Everyone began to question what was true or what was fake. Drivers began driving on the wrong side of the road, police no longer issued tickets to drivers following “alternative speed limits”, Vladimir Putin wore a shirt and Mitch McConnell had a chin. Yes, the world was burning and everything we thought was true was now in question.

Kelleyanne Conway. An ordinary little girl in extraordinary circumstances, trapped in a world of tiny fingers, orange skin, and terrible combovers.  A little girl with a bump on her head and a ticket to a world of illusion caught somewhere between sanity and a place that is known as…The Trump Zone.

412

This week, on Episode 412 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we investigate The Swamp Things! They were formed in an industrial accident when doctors, billionaires, crooked CEO’s, and Russian agents were accidentally splashed with a golden shower and, in an attempt to wash it off, ran into… Trump Swamp! The chemical reaction of urine and bullshit caused them to transform into The Swamp Things. Part dung, part snake, and part vegetation, they emerged from Trump Swamp to menace Capitol Hill, posing as cabinet appointments. For hours they waged a battle this week with our heroic defenders, the Senate Democrats, who skillfully fought off every attempt to cover Washington with the slime that they would fling from their deformed mouths.

First swamp rat was Betsy DeVos, who came from the Amway family fortune. Now anyone who has been to an Amway party knows, this will smell of cheap plastic and end with us taking an empty container we have no use for. Betsy tried to defend having guns in schools by using the same logic Ralphie used to get his mother to let him have a BB gun for Christmas:

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store!

That’s right, in response to Sen Chris Murphy’s question about the guns in schools, she gave the “Ralphie Defense”, “I think probably in Wyoming, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies,” DeVos said. Yes, when grizzlies attack, Betsy wants her schools to be ready. But Sen. Murphy had the perfect response, “You’ll shoot your eye out, Betsy!”

The next swamp rat was Tom Price, the doctor turned stock broker congressman. When asked about investing in a company just six days before he sponsored legislation that would increase its value four-fold, he simply responded, “my broker did that.” That’s right, it was just a coincidence, like when you hire hookers to piss on your sheets and they end up with yellow stains.  Go figure!

And then came Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon turned building inspector. He will be your next HUD secretary and his intentions are pure. When asked if he would prevent the president’s businesses from making money on programs intended for the poor, he assured us of what we all knew, “It will not be my intention to do anything to benefit any American.” That’s right, while he’s the HUD secretary, no one gets anything! And anyway, Ben wonders if we need an entire department dedicated to a 1963 Paul Newman movie anyway. “I think the money would be better spent on preventing Ebola from being weaponized. “So if there were a container of contaminated urine, and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace a lot of damage could be done. Someone comes up to a lab worker. He knows he’s got the urine. ‘How would you like to have a million dollars?’ … Such things have been known to happen.” Yep, Ben, just ask your boss.

And finally there was the Energy Department’s answer to Dumb and Dumber, Rick Perry. At his hearings, he apologized for ever wanting to dissove the agency he now wants to lead. After all, he misunderstood what the Department of Energy did. Before this hearing, he thought it was wasteful to have an agency dedicated to maintaining a bunny banging a drum. When the senators informed him that he would be responsible for nukes, he was visibly shocked.  “I thought it was just about batteries,” he told the senators, ” I never imagined there were microwave ovens involved. I thought this job would be as easy as 1,2,…uh…I can’t think of the other one. OOPS!” And he looked so smart with those horn-rimmed glasses.

So as this week’s confirmation hearings only confirmed on thing: When you wade into a swamp, you’re going to stink. But since this is only the first full week of the Trump presidency, give it a while. Just like swamp fungus, it may grow on you!

 

 

 

 

411-2

On Episode 411 of the Tim Corrimal Show we say move over Ron Popeil because there’s a new kid on the block and his tiny fingers are working fast. This week he introduced the next great invention everyone will want in their cabinet, just like in his. Yes, I’m talking about the newest time-saver from Trumpco, the Democracy-O-Matic.

Are you always wasting time trying to be politically correct? Does working around the Constitution have you wasting hours of precious time? Is the press always getting in the way of your latest propaganda? Well just look at how Democracy-O-Matic can save you time and give you perfectly cut soundbites in just seconds. Originally inspired by the German engineers of the Third Reich, Democracy-O-Matic is the perfect tool to cut and dice every kind of inconvenient law, ethical rule, resonable practice, or rights of the minority. Just place the parts of Democracy you don’t like in the top of the shredder and out comes perfectly minced pieces of what used to be your country.

Democracy-O-Matic comes with five convenient blade settings for every thing you want to shred. Have a large press pool to deal with? Just set the blade to hack and all the real journalists are cut out leaving just the perfectly shaped right-wing fact twisters. Serve them up with Russian dressing and you have propaganda bites as good as Putin’s.

And you can throw away thos old julienne blades. we replaced them with the Kellyanne blade to turn ugly little shitstorms into perfectly sliced explanations that no one will recognize. And how about that cumbersome Constitution? No need to spend time and money on lawyers and hours of preparation. Just insert the Democracy-O-Matic’s precision slicing blade to remove the parts of the Constitution you don’t like and keep the juicy ones that everyone in your party enjoys. Watch how easy freedom of the press, the right to due process, and the emoluments clause fall away leaving only the Second Amendment and slavery. You can just take all the other freedoms and protections and flush them right down garbage disposal. And when it comes to demolishing affordable health care for twenty million people, the job is made easy by attaching the snap-on death panels.

And that’s not all. If you order now we will throw in our award-winning Pee Shooter. Just load it up yourself or with a Russian hooker and spray away! Either way you can defile any chair, bench, or bed that your predecessor slept in. You can even spray it around the office. What better way to establish that you are the alpha dog in the pack than by marking your territory with Trumpco’s Pee Shooter. And the best part, it is dishwasher safe. Just put it on the rack with all your other dishes and utensils.  And don’t worry, pee is sterile!

So order now and start shredding democracy just like our president-elect. And remember to use the code “Putin” when ordering and our agent will include a second Democracy-O-Matic and Pee Shooter absolutely free. You just pay additional shipping and loss of your right to a fair trial. Shredding democracy doesn’t have to take a lot of time, it can be done quickly, just like Donald Trump is doing.

Democracy Shredder: The easy way to turn your democracy into a Banana Republic smoothie!

410-1

Are you like our POSPOTUS* and full of shit? Are you feeling the need to pinch a loaf?  Are you experiencing diarrhea or constipation just like the Orange Overlord’s brain? Does the mere thought of Donald Trump having access to the nuclear codes send you rushing to the bathroom to avoid dropping a deuce in your pants? Well why not enjoy the “go” since you will be spending a lot more time on your toilet during the next four years? Well here on Episode 410 or The Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car has the perfect pastime to make your nature’s call enjoyable and challenging. You can now pass the time away playing the new toilet game, “Potty President”. Inspired by the popular games “Potty Basketball” and “Potty Golf”, “Potty President” is a fun pastime to play while you are passing gas, whether from your ass or Trump’s mouth.

Feel like the most powerful man in the world as you grunt and groan your way through the Trump presidency. Just drop your pants around your ankles and put your fingers on the nuclear codes. They look just like the real thing, too! Our wireless control module directs the action while you attack your enemies on a 3D map of the world. Just hang the map on the back of the bathroom door and bombs away! Yes, while you are blowing mud you can be blowing up North Korea, Iran, or that columnist from Newsweek who said nasty things about you.

And as an added bonus, you can tweet your war games on the provided Twitter account. Tell the world in one hundred-fourty characters how wiping out China was as easy as wiping your ass. And there’s more. If you are among the first three-hundred to purchase “Potty President”, we will include our wind-up Kellyanne Conway. She will accompany you every time you drop some shit on the world and explain how it just doesn’t smell like an ordinary person’s. Of course the president doesn’t make stinkers, that smell must be from Hillary Clinton! With Kellyanne there in the bathroom, all your farts will be spun into a lilac smelling fragrance and foul odors explained away as just the lingering smell left by the press.

So don’t wait. Make your next poop pop with all the excitement of crapping on the country like Donald Trump. And while you are at it, don’t forget our accessory kit which includes a blond comb over wig, a roll of U.S. Constitution toilet paper, and gold foil to make your commode look just like the one the Trump uses. Included in the accessory kit is a wind-up deplorable doll that will cheer for you every time you drop a loaf.

So don’t let bathroom time be a boring time. Let loose with nukes while you let loose with your colon just like the real Trump does. Taking a dump doesn’t have to be unpleasant. The next time you drop the kids off at the pool take “Potty President” into the bathroom with you! And don’t take our word for it, just listen to this testimonial from President-elect Trump:

Whenever I feel the need to grow a tail, I always take along ‘Potty President’, so while I’m squeezing a streamer, I can nuke China all at the same time!

So share a shit with the president, after all,  you’ll be swimming in his crap for the next four years!

*POSPOTUS copyright © 2017 by Kenny Pick

 

409

For Episode 409 of The Tim Corrimal Show, a parody with apologies to Clement Moore:

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Trump Flats
All his creatures were stirring, white supremacist rats:
Their hoods were all hung in the hallways with care,
In hopes a white Santa Clause soon would be there;

Trump’s children were nestled all snug in gold beds,
While visions of trust-money danced in their heads;
And Bannon in his robes, and Conway in fake lashes,
Had just finished the last of their media bashes,

When out in the press pool there arose such a clatter,
They crawled from under their rocks to see what was the matter.
Away to the flat screens they flew like a flash,
Flipped on the remote to watch Dana Bash.

The tint of her skin was as white as the snow
Reflecting the panic in the chyron below,
When what to their terrified eyes should appear,
But Trump’s miniature fingers tweeting Christmas Eve fear,

With his trusty old iPhone, so easy and quick,
They knew in a moment it was their orange skinned prick.
More rapid than lawsuits his tweeting storm came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and called them bad names;

Jail Clinton, Chris Cuomo, Katy Tur, that’ll fix her!
Then Tapper, then Maddow, then that ugly Wolf Blitzer!
To the top of Trump Tower! To the Mexican wall!
Now disappear, disappear, disappear all!

As misstatements in a wild tweetstorm do fly,
When they meet with the fact-checkers, continue to lie,
So up to the newsrooms his invectives they flew,
With a lot of misogyny and racism too.

And then, in a twinkling, the news it got worse
Now he was tweet-bashing Miss Universe.
As they covered their eyes and turned down the sound,
Down the escalator Trump came with a bound.

He was dressed in Trump clothes, with a shaggy blond wig,
And a hat made in Mexico, and a tie from Beijing
A bundle of tweets was stuck on his phone,
And he looked like he just passed a kidney stone.

His eyes – how they raged! His tweets would not go!
His cheeks turned bright orange, the iPhone was slow!
His droll little mouth looked like his butt hole
And his multiple chins looked like doughy soft rolls

His stumpy fat fingers kept tapping the screen,
As he yelled, “Tweets are frozen and I’m gonna scream!”
He had a broad ass and a taco bowl belly,
With a tattoo that read, “I hate Megyn Kelly”

He paced and he mocked, a right nasty old elf,
And they cringed when they saw him, in spite of themselves;
But his twitching left eye and his nasty Trump frown,
Soon let them know they better humor this clown;

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Then gave back the iPhone to the fat orange jerk,
The tweets were all sent, so thumbing his nose,
He went to the exit and up the escalator he rose;

As he entered his penthouse, to the press gave a shout,
And away they all flew to report on the lout.
But they heard him exclaim, ere he slipped into his den,
IF YOU THINK IT’S BAD NOW, WAIT UNTIL I’M SWORN IN!

408-1

On Wednesday, the news leaked out of the plans for the 58th Presidential inaugural and they promise to be Trumpian. no little hands here, just all big hand on deck to make this the most tremendous, hugest, inaugural in history. It will beat all the other inaugurals combined, bigly, and the Clown Car Update has obtained an exclusive copy of the planning for Episode 408 of The Tim Corrimal Show. These are the details we are aware of as of today:

Priority Booking at Premier Inaugural Hotel
You and your designees will recieve priority booking for up to eight hotel rooms at your own expense. Unfortunately, nearly all the hotels in the D.C. area have been closed due to serious health and safety violations discovered by the Trump administration’s HHS department. Fortunately, one hotel in the D.C. area did pass the inspection, The Trump International Hotel, Washington, D.C. Rooms are going fast, so get your reservations in early. There is a four-month minimum stay.

Exclusive Inaugural Events for $1,000,000+ Underwriters

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to a special event:

  • Leadership Luncheon – 4 Tickets

An exclusive event with Cabinet appointees and House and Senate leadership. Our most generous supporters will be treated to view a live lobotomy performed on Mitt Romney by the Secretary of HUD-designee, Ben Carson. Afterwards, Mr. Romney will greet attendees and apologize for saying nasty things about the president-elect.

Tickets to Official Inaugural Events:

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to official inaugural events:

  • Vice President’s Dinner -4 Tickets

An intimate and completely heterosexual dinner with Mike Pense and his female wife. Pizza and cake will be served by Indiana vendors who cater exclusively to straight couples. Since these bakers are celebrsting their religious freedom, LGBTQ underwriters are excluded from this event.

  • Ladies Luncheon – 8 Tickets

An opportunity to meet the ladies of the first families. First Lady Melania Trump will address the attendees with a speech formerly given in 1962 by Jacqueline Kennedy.

  • Victory Reception – 8 Tickets

An entertainment-filled welcome reception. Scott Baio will thrill the crowd with a re-enactment of his most popular scenes from his hit show, “Joanie Loves Chachi”with Sen. Joanie Ernst playing the Erin Moran parts. The finale will feature the newly castrated Sen. Ted Cruz reprising his role in the college production of “The Crucible”.

  • Candlelight Dinner – 8 Tickets

An elegant dinner with special appearances by President-elect Trump or a cardbeard facsimile. In honor of the fossil fuel indistry underwriters, candles will be replaced with gas lamps and oil-burning torches. The ballroom will be heated by coal donated by miners from West Virginia who still believe that Trump will get their jobs back.

  • Inaugural Concert and Fireworks – 8 Tickets

An exciting celebration on the National Mall with musical guest Ted Nugent playing his one hit song over and over again. After the concert, Ted Nugent will shit his pants when he hears the fireworks to commemorate the way he avioded the draft.

  • Parade – 8 Tickets

A celebration of our nations European origins stretching from Capitol Hill to the White House on historic Pennsylvania Avenue. The parade will feature The Hoods and Robes Marching Band and will conclude with a cross-burning at the end of the route. There, Steve Bannon will be awarded the Medal of Freedom.

  • Inaugural Ball Premier Access – 8 TIckets

A black-tie affair with premier access tickets which allow entrance to any Kentucky Fried Chicken, Burger King, or Taco Bell in the D.C. Metro area. Sorry, but in deference to the HUD secretary-designate, there will be no Popeye’s venues.

Presidential Swearing-In Ceremony – 8 Tickets
Be there when white America gets its country back with the swearing-in of Fuhrer Trump. He will be sworn in on a copy of “Art of the Deal” by Russian President Valdimir Putin with an invocation by Julian Assange. Assange will then be granted a presidential pardon for making this day possible. Putin will be given Poland.

Hospitality and Transportation
Due to the deportation of all hospitality workers and shuttle drivers, no service will be available to you or your designees.

Recognition
Your corporation will be recognized on all official inaugural printed material and all legislation benefiting your industry. Continuing access to President Trump can be purchased though the Trump Foundation or Trump University.

Of course, some of the original plans for the gala had to be abandoned. The origonal plans were to have Trump flown to the inaugural platform in a helocopter and lowered to the podium. Those plans had to be scraped when test dummies kept losing their wigs in the transfer. Also, Trump complained that there was nothing to grab on the helocopter since none of the Miss Teen Universe contestants would fly with him.