On Monday, the Bone-Spur-In-Chief boldly proclaimed that if he were at the Parkland school he would have ended the incident himself.  “I really believe I’d run in, even if I didn’t have a weapon,” he said, safely behind a podium a thousand miles and twelve days from the tragedy. But if we go by his history, anything from an American Eagle to a very loud Coke can have him clinging like stink to a turd. So the Clown Car submitted some questions to Captain Courageous asking what he would have done in certain famous battles in history. Here are his responses:

The Barbary Wars (1801 – 1815)

Somebody just told me that this was a war with Muslims, which I would love to have but at first I read this wrong. I thought it was Bribery Wars, which I am an expert at. Believe me! Believe me!

Battle of the Alamo (February 23 – March 6, 1836)

If I was there this battle would have never happened because I never use Alamo rental cars anyway.  I have my own limo and it’s the biggest limo ever. Also, the Mexicans would never have won if my wall was there so Congress should do the right thing and build the wall. Also, Commander David Bowie would still be alive making hit records.

Battle of Hampton Roads (March 8–9, 1862)

If the roads in the Hamptons are that bad, they should pass my infrastructure bill right away.

Battle of Little Big Horn (June 25–26, 1876)

The same Indians who ambushed Gen. Custer ambushed me in 1993 when they pushed into my casino business. I lost like Custer and now everywhere you go there is a Mohegan Sun and they call me Little Tiny Horn. Ask Melania, that is not true and I think I will sue them as soon as I settle this Russian hoax.

Wounded Knee Massacre (December 29, 1890)

A wounded knee prevented me from serving in Vietnam…oh, and a bone spur! But If I went, I would have won the war all by myself and would never have been captured like John You-Know-Who who took away your great health care.

Battle of San Juan Hill (1 July 1898)

This was in the Spanish American War and that would have never happened if I was president because I would have kicked out all the Spanish before they started trouble. Build the wall!

Dolittle Raid (April 18, 1942)

Everyone knows that this was an air raid on Tokyo, but if I was there I would have followed orders and like the name says I would do little, just like I did in Vietnam.

Invasion of Normandy (June 6, 1944)

If I was there, I would have been the first to land, believe me! While everyone was going to Utah Beach or Omaha Beach I would have been in Miami Beach avoiding syphilis and gonorrhea like a brave soldier. I would have won all the medals and ribbons and got laid a lot.

Battle of the Buldge (16 December 1944 – 25 January 1945)

I would have been the best general in this battle because it was on the Western Front and honestly, I fight this battle every day because of my front. But my doctor says I am the fittest president ever and I have the biggest bulge where it counts. Believe me! Believe me!

Tet Offensive (January 30, 1968)

I love big tets and I would have been all over them them. If you don’t believe me, ask Stormy Daniels!

Battle of Hamburger Hill (May 10–20, 1969)

I eat a hamburger hill with large fries every night while I watch Fox News so this one I could handle alone!  And when I was finished it would be renamed it Big Mac Hill after the great American Gen. Ronald Macarthur.

It should be noted that for his imaginary bravery in the face of fake danger, Andy Borowitz reported in The New Yorker on Monday’s “The Borowitz Report” that,

Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.

Also, Trump has been awarded The Russian Federation Golden Shower of Valor, The Extra-Marital Affairs Award, The Purple Penis, and very soon will be given the Robert Mueller Major Indictment Recommendation. That one is for real!



We have all seen Sarah Huckabee Sanders at White House press briefings.  Do you wonder why she never tells the truth?  Do you wonder if anything can be done for the chronic constipation of facts? Can anything relieve the bloating she feels by holding in the real answer to a question? Well relief may be just a sopository away with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax is proven to give gentile, overnight relief to chronic constipation of the facts and it comes in many forms.

Look, we all have a hard time passing the truth at times. Our lives are busy and the boss is often a big jerk. He does stupid things, he says stupid things, and before you know it you are out there at the podium and you are blocked. And boy, that can be painful! No matter how hard you strain, the truth just won’t come out. Well now you can get fast relief with Ex-fax.  Ex-fax works in several ways to soften the truth so you can pass it easily and get on with your lying. And Ex-fax comes in three easy applications.

For gentile, overnight relief, there is Ex-fax gelcaps. Just take two jellcaps twenty-four hours before your press conference and leave the truth in your toilet. For hard facts, try Ex-fax fact softener to make facts easier to pass. And for immediate relief, there are Ex-fax supositories that are handy when there are only minutes before you have to lie your ass off. Don’t let chronic fact constipation get in the way of your life. Get those facts out of your system and out of your way so you can lie without those facts blocking your system.

Don’t take Ex-fax if you are pregnant or may become pregnant as Ex-fax may turn you child into a liar just like you. Tell you medical professional if you develop sypmtoms such as a guilty conscience or thoughts of telling the truth. Seek immediate attention if you start blurting out that “everything he says is a big fat lie!” as this may be a sign of a job threatening reaction. And remember, keep Ex-fax handy because just because Trump is full of it, doesn’t mean you have to be.


This week the Trump administration introduced its new budget which included a revision to the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) program. The new proposal is to replace the current food stamp program with a pre-packaged food distribution system sent directly to the recipients. Rick Mulvaney, the Marie Osmond of the White House budget office says it would work like Blue Apron, but you may even lose a little weight! You would receive a box with all the ingredients for a gourmet government meal. No more need to go to the supermarket and choose the food you want to eat. Instead, our experts at the Food and Drug Administration will scour the dumpsters of the best restaurants in the country to bring you what they think you deserve. So move over Blue Apron, here comes the new food supplement program. They call it “The Orange Middle Finger”.

The Clown Car has obtained an exclusive look at the preliminary menu for The Orange Middle Finger program:

The Breakfast Box: The kit includes,

  • One Egg (Whites only, of course)
  • A  Joni Ernst biscuit bag with some biscuit crumbs
  • Something that may have once been a slice of cheese
  • A secret sauce
  • Coffee grounds used maybe once

Directions: Beat the egg whites with the provided splinter of wood, cook over a medium trash can fire for two minutes, and melt the cheese slice over the egg. Don’t worry if the cheese slice does not melt right away because we don’t really know if it is cheese. Add the sauce, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin. If you do, seek medical attention immediately. If there is an actual biscuit in the bag, put the sandwich on it with the plastic gloves provided. If there was no biscuit, save the bag. It may come in handy a few minutes after the meal. The coffee may be brewed in the old filter the grounds are stuck to, or you may provide your own.

The Lunch Box: The kit includes,

  • Something meat
  • Beef or chicken gravy stuck to a paper plate
  • Instant potato powder with some black specks
  • A green and black vegetable
  • A juice box

Directions: Cook the meat thoroughly until everything that should not be on it burns off. Scrape the gravy off the plate and onto the meat after the meat is no longer moving. Mix the powdered potatoes with whatever liquid is available. TIP: You may use whatever is in the juice box. Heat the vegetables on the plate that had the gravy stuck to it and serve before it coagulates. If you didn’t use the juice box for the potatoes, drink with the non-corrosive straw only.

The Dinner Box: The kit includes,

  • Our choice meats collected only on American highways. Your choice of opossum, skunk, squirrel. Raccoon a dollar extra.
  • What we think is hollandaise sauce because it’s yellow
  • A lump of Au Gratin potatoes stuck to a piece of plastic
  • Asparagus (if it’s not wiggling)
  • A cigarette

Directions: Pre-heat an oven, if you have one, to 350°. Remove fur or tire fragments from the roast and bake until the internal temperature reaches 1000°.  While the roadkill is resting, heat the yellow sauce until all the lumps melt away. While the sauce is heating, pull the potatoes away from the plastic and heat along with the asparagus. Pour the yellow sauce over everything and enjoy! We recommend you smoke the cigarette within an hour of ingesting this meal.

So there’s a preview of what the Trump administration thinks our supplemental food program should look like in the future. No more food stamps, no more debit cards, and no more unnecessary trips to the supermarket. Instead, you can sit home on what John Kelly likes to call your lazy asses and get your boxed food delivered right to your door. And remember, Trump is always happy to give the poor “The Orange Middle Finger!”

Today I read that Marty Allen, one half of the 1960s comedy team of Allen and Rossi, passed away on Tuesday at the age of 95. I am sure that most who read this blog – assuming ANYONE reads this blog – would be too young to know of Mr Allen.  But in the 60s, the team of Allen and Rossi graced the stages of many variety shows, not the least of which was The Ed Sullivan Show. Their humour was very popular if not as sophisticated as Seinfeld or SNL, but they made us laugh, and that is always a good thing. But the purpose of my writing today is not to rehash the career of long-forgotten comedians. You can Google their names if you are interested in TV trivia. You see, Marty Allen and his partner, Steve Rossi occupy a special memory from my childhood.

First, some background. Growing up my parents had a special connection the Congregation of the Passion order of Catholic priests. My uncle belonged to the order, as did my mother’s high school classmate, Fr. Joseph Guzinski.  Fr. Guzinski remained very close to my mom through the years and became a missionary on the small island of Jamaica. There, he laboured among the poor and struggled to build a church and bring food and medical care to the forgotten people in the mountains of that resort island. There was desperate poverty but Fr. Dunstan brought hope everywhere he went. My parents supported him with fund drives, medical supplies, and sponsorships. One was a Chinese-Jamaican exchange student who lived with my family when she attended Marywood College here in Scranton.  Fr. Dunstan was very good at spotting talent and Violet received his first scholarship and my first childhood crush. Alas, at 11 years old, the best I could hope for was to be her little brother.


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Fr. Dunstan and me



Fr. Dunstan was also good at promoting his causes and two of his most faithful partners in his missionary work was the comedy team of Marty Allen and Steve Rossi.  Through their popularity and generosity, they helped fund father’s many projects to alleviate the poverty in the mountains of Jamaica. Fr. Dunstan had an ear for music as well as academic excellence, and two of his children from the mission had talent that he insisted needed a boost. Regretfully, I no longer remember their names, but one played the concert piano and the other had the voice of an angel.

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Fr. Dunstan and his talented proteges

So Fr. Dunstan asked Allen and Rossi to help them out any way they could. What they came up with was better than anyone could have hoped for: A spot on the Ed Sullivan Show, the same studio where the greatest acts of their age appeared. Through their contacts in the industry, Allen and Rossi made these two poor Jamaican young men’s dream come true. They appeared on American TV on the biggest variety show at the time. I only met the young men briefly at my home as they were on the way to New York for the show, accompanied by my parents and Fr. Dunstan. That Sunday night, they met Allen and Rossi at the theatre and I watched at home as our “hometown” talent became stars for the night.  And all this was made possible through the kindness of two celebrities who shared their good fortune with the less fortunate.

Fr. Dunstan passed away in 2016. My parents have also left me with only their memories. So today, when I read Marty Allen’s obituary in the New York Times, I shed a few tears. Some for my lost childhood, and some for the kindness of this wonderful stranger.

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Allen and Rossi


The Russians have one on May Day.  The French have one on Bastille Day.  The North Koreans have one every day.  Now Donald Trump is pouting and whining to the Pentagon that he wants one too! That’s right, a big military parade where Donnie can watch all the people who didn’t have bone spurs march in front of him and salute his fat ass.

But is one parade a year enough for Fat Donnie? Probably not, so plans are underway to convert Pentagon City into a gigantic theme park dedicated to Trump himself.  In an exclusive report, the Clown Car Update has obtained the Pentagon’s plan which is codenamed “Operation Pacifier”.  Here are some of the attractions that are being planned:

Mission to Russia: Don’t eat lunch before getting in line, because it’s a topsy-turvy ride through Moscow during the 2013 Miss Universe Pagent. It’s like you are right there with Donnie, walking into a hotel room with three of your favourite Russian hookers. But you better wear a bathing suit because those sprinklers are about to give you a golden shower as realistic as the one Donnie got. And the best part, at the end of the ride, you get a videotape of your adventure just like the one Putin put together for Donnie.

The Trump Tunnel of Love: This is a fun ride for any Trump lover. You may enter with your wife or girlfriend, but you come out the other end with a famous porn star! But don’t worry, at the end of the ride your porn star will give you a non-disclosure agreement so you can deny everything to your wife. And where IS your wife? Don’t worry, her and that Secret Service agent found a car of their own!

Trump Tower of Terror: If you have a weak heart, this is not the ride for you. You fly up and down faster than Natalia Veselnitskaya trying to pass out dirt on Hillary Clinton. Enter at your own risk because on every floor you will meet a Trump. In the lobby, you are greeted by creepy Eric drooling on himself and asking you if you have a juice box and a straw. Then the elevator takes you faster and faster up to the top floor where you are chased by Donald himself wearing nothing but his tidy whities! And just when you think he is about to go all Stormy Daniels on you the elevator flies you back down to the lobby. This ride leaves everyone sick to their stomach. Everyone gets a tee shirt though. It says, “I saw Donnie in his underwear and all I got was this lousy teeshirt!”

Trumpcot Center: This is a celebration of all the shithole countries in the world. Visit all the shithouse cultures that Donald Trump wants to keep from coming to the United States. Haiti, Puerto Rico, and of course the entire country of Africa. I know, Puerto Rico is part of the United States and Africa is a continent, but not at Trumpcot Center! And at Trumpcot, we have countries you’ve never heard of, like Normay and Binomo! And stay for the fireworks at night when we blow up North Korea!

The Daily Military Parade: This is the reason you came, the daily Grand Trump Military Parade chuck full of phallic symbols.  Long, fat missiles and the biggest nuclear button ever, way bigger than Rocket Man’s! And there are soldiers, thousands of them marching without a single bone spur. And watching it all is Donald Trump, dressed in a uniform designed just for him by the experts at the Pentagon. And on the Commander-In-Chief’s chest are the Medal of Valor for Keeping Eric, The Studio 54 Perfect Attendance Ribbon, The Distinguished Service Condom for Avoiding VD, and The Purple Prick for wounding his penis during Operation Stormy Daniels.

So don’t be a weepy Omarosa! Gather up the family and start planning now to visit the newest theme park right in the heart of Virginia. Do what Donald does every day and leave reality behind and enjoy the fantasy of a world made just for you! And remember, here in Trump World loving Donald is not only fun, it’s the law!





Washington was rocked this week with the revelation of a classified memo in the possession of the Trump administration. It reveals classified information that exposes secrets about how our government has been conducting the people’s business for the last year. No, I am not speaking of the Nunes memo that came out on Friday but a secret memo that was sent by Dr Ronny Jackson to Trump’s Chief-of-Staff shortly after his physical. The Clown Car has obtained a copy of this classified memo. It explains a lot and here it is, exclusively from The Clown Car Update team:

TO: Gen. John Kelly, Chief-of-Staff
FROM: Adm. Ronny Jackson, MD
RE: [Male President 1]

During my recent examination of the [Male President 1], it was revealed that he is suffering from syphilitic dementia. We became suspicious when during his mental test he repeatedly identified a rhinoceros as his father in a KKK hood. We became further alarmed when during a Rorschach test, he described an ink blot as his mother Melania. A physical exam revealed that he has what would normally be described as a very tiny lesion that in this case covered the entire genital area.  A biopsy of the lesion revealed it came from an aggressive strain of syphilis common to Studio 54 during the 1970s. A CT scan of Trump’s head revealed nothing.

We are writing this memo to alert you to some signs you should look for in case you want to consider a 25th Amendment remedy.

  • Abnormal gait – You may notice he is walking like he has a load in his Depends.
  • Confusion, disorientation – For example not able to distinguish between CJ and DJ
  • Sudden personality changes – For example, he may appoint you to run the FBI and then order you to be arrested.
  • Changes in mental stability – This one may be difficult to spot.
  • Urinary incontinence – This one he may actually enjoy.
  • Shrinking of hands and feet
  • Dry mouth – May result in slurring words like “cities” and “states” to sound like “titties” and “schatch”.
  • Memory problems – May forget that he is married, especially in the presence of a famous porn star.
  • Muscle contractions – Especially in the thumbs during the early morning hours. If possible, keep his phone out of reach.
  • Poor concentration – He may only read three or four words of a security brief and then scream “witch hunt!”

If you or any of your staff observe any of these symptoms, let me know immediately. We are asking to classify this memo as top secret due to the sensitivity of the subject matter. Also, because the public report of [Male President 1]’s physical was total bullshit. I mean really, you believed one-hundred thirty-nine pounds? If you did, I have a memo from Devin Nunes to give sell you!






Wisconsin is best known for cheese, which is made from sour milk. It is also known for Scott Walker and Paul Ryan, which were made from sour politicians. This week, we can add to that list Sen. Ron Johnson, a sour politician with a cheesy conspiracy theory. On Tuesday, Johnson took his X-File to Fox News or as you may know it, the SyFy Network, to reveal that Donald Trump is the victim of a vast conspiracy by forces inside the FBI to take him down. No, not the forces inside Donnie’s head that push his tiny fingers on Twitter. We are talking the “deep state”. Given the seriousness of the allegation, the Clown Car felt it our duty to investigate the “secret society” Johnson claimed was working its dark force. What we found will shock you.

We started by contacting Johnson’s office who instructed us to go to a dumpster behind Ping Pong Pizza and look for a pair of Ivanka Trump shoes. We were to look inside the shoes for instructions. Along with a note that read “Help, we are chained to a shoe factory in Bangladesh” was a note that read, “Go inside and ask for a “Stormy Daniels” pizza.

Inside, we found out that a “Stormy Danials” was a pizza with two large melons garnished with a tiny sausage. Under one of the melons were instructions to go to the men’s room and tell the attendant you were there for a number two. He led us to stall number two where instead of a commode were a set of stairs leading to the basement. At the bottom of the stairs, a man that looked like George Soros asked us for the passphrase, which was “Into titties”.  What we saw next was shocking!

The room was packed with FBI agents wearing “Hillary for America” tee-shirts and to hide their identity wore “Saul Alinsky” masks. On the wall was a floor to ceiling poster of Donald J. Trump. Each part of his body was marked with notations. The head read “Where a brain would normally be” and the area near the groin read simply “Missing genitalia”.  His hair had the instructions “Piss here”.

Each agent was working on a different project. One was developing a chocolate cake that made you fart from your mouth. Another was working on Diet Coke that made you constantly sniff and say “United Shates”. Off in a corner, Russian hookers were peeing on mattresses while a fat Donald stand-in kept saying, “Make America wet again!”  In the back of the room were three burly FBI agents loading crates of ice cream and ketchup that they claimed made you tweet stupid things in the middle of the night.

The Clown Car investigators were startled to find that everything Sen Johnson said was true. There is a secret society plotting the takedown of the president.  And as we left, we passed a door marked “Private: Special Prosecutor” and next to it a row of orange jumpsuits size triple-X.

Next week we follow a tip by congressman Steve King and visit an FBI lab where agents are producing creatures that are half human with calves the size of cantaloupes!


On Friday, January 12, the mass of lard and body odour known as Donald Trump had his annual physical. As with everything else in the Trump cult, his physician, Dr Ronny Jackson was so impressed with the results that he could hardly contain himself. In case you missed his press conference on Tuesday, here is his glowing, over-the-top assessment:

Hello. I’m Dr Ronny Jackson and on this past Friday, I was given the privilege and honor, of giving a physical exam to what can only be described as the most perfect specimen medical science has ever documented.  We were aware of President Trump’s high IQ and stamina, but no one on the medical team expected what we witnessed. I will go through some of the details now and later I will take questions.


The president’s temperature was 98.6 degrees, but believe me, the female members of the medical team in attendance thought he was much hotter! It must have been the split in the back of his hospital gown. He measured 75 inches but in my eyes, he is so much taller than that. At two hundred and thirty-nine pounds he is a hunka-hunka burnin’ love!


The president’s urine was clear. It came in three flavors:  peach and raspberry Snapple and diet Coke. An examination of the president’s urinary function found that he can pee a distance of over fifty feet, an incredible skill he developed during the Miss America Pagent in Moscow. He was born with an extra kidney so that in the unlikely event he needs one, he can actually donate his own kidney to himself.

Reproductive organs

We nicknamed it “The Whale”. Enough said. A microscopic examination of the president’s spermatozoa found the most athletic, intelligent, and best-looking sperm ever observed. The sample we examined were actually working on string theory forming math equations with their tails. They were orange tinged with color and one named Eric kept swimming in a circle.

Gastrointestinal exam

The medical team felt no need to perform a colonoscopy since there have been so many people crawling up the president’s ass the past year and no one reported a problem. Upon examination of stool  we enjoyed Ben and Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey” and Häagen-Dazs Brownie a la Mode.

Cardiopulmonary exam

The president had a big heart.  His heart rhythm was perfect, to which the president remarked: “not bad for a white guy.” There were no racist sentiments found. He has an unusual but efficient heart structure with no left and all right ventricles.

A cognitive screening exam was done and the president had a perfect score, the highest score possible. In the test, he easily distinguished images of a pig, a cow, a horse, and a Russian hooker.  He identified the biggest numbers and repeated the best words. He was able to draw three stick figures with large breasts counted down from two to one.  He is rated a stable genius.

In summery, the president is in excellent health and will reamin in excellent health for the remainder of the Twenty-First Century. We discussed some life style changes such as cutting down to six KFC buckets a day. The president also agreed to get more exercise and to that goal called Stormy Daniels.

After the press briefing, the Clown Car spoke with members of the medical team who agreed to talk off the record.  They all agreed that the information given to the public was basically horse shit and that Trump is nothing more than two hundred eighty pounds of animal fat with a mouth. One health provider who assisted with the exam said it took an hour to figure out where his stomach ended and his thighs began. One doctor said, “finding his genitalia under all those folds was impossible. Finally, we just had him pee and we followed the stream!” As far as a colonoscopy, they had this to say: “There were two orifices, and they both were full of shit.”


Are you having trouble recruiting white immigrants? Do applicants from shithole countries keep clogging your inbox? Do you wish that all your applicants looked like they work at Fox News? Well, your troubles are over because now there is WhiteRecruiter! WhiteRecruiter is the easy way to keep black and brown people from infiltrating your lily-white country.

WhiteRecruiter put you in touch with millions of pure white immigrants from the whitest countries possible. We have people ready to go from Norway, Sweeden, Iceland, Greenland, Denmark, and Finland. And if that is not white enough for you, we have immigrants from the Faroe Islands where they have not seen melanin in over five thousand years!

Here’s how WhiteRecruiter works. First, we eliminate any applications from the African continent. Then, we eliminate people from Haiti who all have AIDS as well as most of South America, the Carribean Islands, Samoa, and Puerto Rico. I know what you are thinking: “Puerto Rico? But that’s part of the United States!” Well, not to Trump! Next, we ask all applicants to submit DNA test results to verify that they do not have even the most remote relationship with anyone south of the Arctic Circle. Then they are carefully interviewed by the members of Fox and Friends for a complete whitewashing.

Just listen to some of the testimonials from users of WhiteRecruiter:

Before WhiteRecruiter, I would spend most of my day lying to Jake Tapper about why people of color were not qualified to work in the White House. Now, with WhiteRecruiter, all I see is white, white, white all day. Thanks,WhiteRecruiter! – KellyAnn Conway

WhiteRecruiter is absolutely amazing! I never knew that so many Norwegians wanted to come to the United States. I thought they loved eating fish and living in the dark for six months a year! – Sarah Huckabee

I’ve dreamed of something like WhiteRecruiter all my life. I wish we had WhiteRecruiter when we were writing the Muslim Travel Ban. – Stephen Miller

With WhiteRecriuter, we are keeping all the wrong people in their huts where they belong! – John Kelly

Yes, WhiteRecruiter has been helping the White House keep out the hut dwellers and make America great again with a basket of lily-white deporables. So keep those undesirables out of your inbox and in their shithole huts.  UseWhiteRecruiter for all your immigration needs. And coming soon, WhiteAncestryDNA to be assured your DNA is shithole free and white!

It’s almost Christmas and I’m sure many of you are having a hard time finding that last minute stocking stuffer for the Trump Cultist in your life. Joe told you about the Black Friday and Cyber Monday Clown Car Gift shop a few weeks ago, but there have been some last-minute items that are must-haves for that special Right Wing Lunatic you hold near and dear to your heart.


As we learned in last week’s Clown Car Update, Donald Dentures… Er… Trump had a little snafu with his lower plate while reading a speech Benjamin Netanyahu gave him as an early Hanukkah gift. An anonymous source has revealed that the dental disaster occurred after Trump unknowingly mixed up his Polygrip and Preparation H. The switcheroo caused Trump’s gums to shrink and sealed up his rectum causing him to slur his speech and be more full of shit than usual. Acting quickly, the pharmaceutical industry, with FDA approval has rushed a new untested product into the market! What is this new product you ask? It’s called Preparation D! Hemorrhoids acting up? Dentures loose? No problem! Now there is One Tube for Both Holes! The cutting-edge science of Preparation D provides anti-inflammatory relief on your tush AND a secure grip on your chompers! Preparation D… Good on the Gums, Good on the Bum!


Speaking of pains in the ass… Roy Moore! Roy Moore has realized that he won’t be able to collect a government paycheck that would ultimately lead to a cushy lobbying job. Inspired by his recent humiliating defeat in the Alabama special election he’s decided to become an entrepreneur! Only the advice of his extremely pleasant wife Kayla and their…ahem.. Lawyer, Roy is introducing his new line of Butt Hurt Pads! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads will help ease the pain of stunning defeats and rough rides on your horse! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads come in 4 handsome styles: Flannel, Denim, Burlap and Black Leather with matching vest! They’re Classy & Sassy!


Another pharmaceutical miracle has also been announced for over the counter consumption! Introducing Shame-X! Shame-X has been genetically engineered from Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ DNA! Have you ever had a hard time telling a big fat lie? Have you ever had a problem intimidating the free press with baseless attacks? Have you ever turned your back on multiple women that have accused your boss of sexual assault?  Simply take one Shame-X pill a day and you’ll have no problem whatsoever being a hypocrite, liar, turncoat, traitor or just a horrible human being in general. All guilt, regret and remorse will be permanently suppressed! And when someone inevitably asks you “Have you no shame?” you can reply with confidence, “No! I use Shame-X!”


And here’s one more suggestion for your last-minute Trump Cult shopping needs… The Omarosa Manigault Exit Interview Kit! Each kit includes several Non-Disclosure Agreements, a helmet and 10 Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads to cushion your landing when you are physically ejected from your job!


Happy Holidays and Happy Shopping!