413

Offered for your consideration, on Episode 413 of the Tim Corrimal Show, the curious case of Kellyanne Conway.  A normal little girl, who one night fell from her bed, hit her head and rolled underneath. There, unknown to her or her family was a portal into another dimension. Despite her parents’ attempts to bring her back, Kellyanne was lost to a world where lies become fact, tiny is large, and five people are considered a large crowd. Despite their desperate attempts, from that point on, Kellyanne was to live her life in a world of imagination, a place of fantasy a place of horror, a place known as…The Trump Zone.

As our story opens, Kellyanne’s parents are frantic because their daughter has come under the spell of a creature who is with her in the unknown dimension. She describes him as an orange saviour, someone who knows all and sees everything, even if what he sees is not really there at all. He sees large crowds where there is absolutely nothing. He believes that he is extremely wealthy and that millions of people love him, even though in this strange place there is no one but him and Kellyanne. And most frightening of all, he is able to lure people from our own dimension into his with a strange device called a Blackberry and something he refers to as a Twitter.

Fearful that more people like Kellyanne will be lured in by this orange menace, her parents frantically search for an expert in the field of interrogation and truth. Instead, they are only able to find a curious little man with a weird haircut named Chuck Todd. Chuck immediately goes to work and begins to ask Kellyanne questions, trying to make her see that what is true in that dimension is not true in ours. He started with what he thought would be a simple test. Holding up a photograph of the Trump inaugural next to one of the Obama inaugural, he asked Kellyanne, “Which of these pictures has more people?” The delusional child was quick to respond, “Why the Trump one, of course, Chuck!” Everyone was befuddled because the Trump picture was blank while there were over a million people in the Obama photo. “But Kellyanne, the Obama crowd is obviously larger. Can’t you see that?” “Oh, Chuck, you are just being overly dramatic!”, Kelly snapped, “you simply can’t see the ten million people in the Trump photo, but I and the Trumpoid can!”

Chuck was beside himself. Apparently, in the other dimension, facts don’t matter and the inhabitants see what they want. Chuck had seen this during acid trips and crack hangovers, but never in an entire universe. He tried to reason with Kellyanne, “But what you are saying is a lie. It just isn’t true.” But Kellyanne was unshaken. Thoroughly under the spell of the Trumpoid, lost in a dimension full mirrors and smoke, she was no longer attached to reality. “We have another word for lies here, Chuck, they are called ‘alternative  facts'”

Chuck was stunned! As word got out that an entire universe existed based on “alternative facts”, our world began to panic. What was real was not real anymore. Everyone began to question what was true or what was fake. Drivers began driving on the wrong side of the road, police no longer issued tickets to drivers following “alternative speed limits”, Vladimir Putin wore a shirt and Mitch McConnell had a chin. Yes, the world was burning and everything we thought was true was now in question.

Kelleyanne Conway. An ordinary little girl in extraordinary circumstances, trapped in a world of tiny fingers, orange skin, and terrible combovers.  A little girl with a bump on her head and a ticket to a world of illusion caught somewhere between sanity and a place that is known as…The Trump Zone.

412

This week, on Episode 412 of The Tim Corrimal Show, we investigate The Swamp Things! They were formed in an industrial accident when doctors, billionaires, crooked CEO’s, and Russian agents were accidentally splashed with a golden shower and, in an attempt to wash it off, ran into… Trump Swamp! The chemical reaction of urine and bullshit caused them to transform into The Swamp Things. Part dung, part snake, and part vegetation, they emerged from Trump Swamp to menace Capitol Hill, posing as cabinet appointments. For hours they waged a battle this week with our heroic defenders, the Senate Democrats, who skillfully fought off every attempt to cover Washington with the slime that they would fling from their deformed mouths.

First swamp rat was Betsy DeVos, who came from the Amway family fortune. Now anyone who has been to an Amway party knows, this will smell of cheap plastic and end with us taking an empty container we have no use for. Betsy tried to defend having guns in schools by using the same logic Ralphie used to get his mother to let him have a BB gun for Christmas:

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski’s candy store!

That’s right, in response to Sen Chris Murphy’s question about the guns in schools, she gave the “Ralphie Defense”, “I think probably in Wyoming, I would imagine that there’s probably a gun in the school to protect from potential grizzlies,” DeVos said. Yes, when grizzlies attack, Betsy wants her schools to be ready. But Sen. Murphy had the perfect response, “You’ll shoot your eye out, Betsy!”

The next swamp rat was Tom Price, the doctor turned stock broker congressman. When asked about investing in a company just six days before he sponsored legislation that would increase its value four-fold, he simply responded, “my broker did that.” That’s right, it was just a coincidence, like when you hire hookers to piss on your sheets and they end up with yellow stains.  Go figure!

And then came Ben Carson, the neurosurgeon turned building inspector. He will be your next HUD secretary and his intentions are pure. When asked if he would prevent the president’s businesses from making money on programs intended for the poor, he assured us of what we all knew, “It will not be my intention to do anything to benefit any American.” That’s right, while he’s the HUD secretary, no one gets anything! And anyway, Ben wonders if we need an entire department dedicated to a 1963 Paul Newman movie anyway. “I think the money would be better spent on preventing Ebola from being weaponized. “So if there were a container of contaminated urine, and somehow it managed to find its way to someplace a lot of damage could be done. Someone comes up to a lab worker. He knows he’s got the urine. ‘How would you like to have a million dollars?’ … Such things have been known to happen.” Yep, Ben, just ask your boss.

And finally there was the Energy Department’s answer to Dumb and Dumber, Rick Perry. At his hearings, he apologized for ever wanting to dissove the agency he now wants to lead. After all, he misunderstood what the Department of Energy did. Before this hearing, he thought it was wasteful to have an agency dedicated to maintaining a bunny banging a drum. When the senators informed him that he would be responsible for nukes, he was visibly shocked.  “I thought it was just about batteries,” he told the senators, ” I never imagined there were microwave ovens involved. I thought this job would be as easy as 1,2,…uh…I can’t think of the other one. OOPS!” And he looked so smart with those horn-rimmed glasses.

So as this week’s confirmation hearings only confirmed on thing: When you wade into a swamp, you’re going to stink. But since this is only the first full week of the Trump presidency, give it a while. Just like swamp fungus, it may grow on you!

 

 

 

 

411-2

On Episode 411 of the Tim Corrimal Show we say move over Ron Popeil because there’s a new kid on the block and his tiny fingers are working fast. This week he introduced the next great invention everyone will want in their cabinet, just like in his. Yes, I’m talking about the newest time-saver from Trumpco, the Democracy-O-Matic.

Are you always wasting time trying to be politically correct? Does working around the Constitution have you wasting hours of precious time? Is the press always getting in the way of your latest propaganda? Well just look at how Democracy-O-Matic can save you time and give you perfectly cut soundbites in just seconds. Originally inspired by the German engineers of the Third Reich, Democracy-O-Matic is the perfect tool to cut and dice every kind of inconvenient law, ethical rule, resonable practice, or rights of the minority. Just place the parts of Democracy you don’t like in the top of the shredder and out comes perfectly minced pieces of what used to be your country.

Democracy-O-Matic comes with five convenient blade settings for every thing you want to shred. Have a large press pool to deal with? Just set the blade to hack and all the real journalists are cut out leaving just the perfectly shaped right-wing fact twisters. Serve them up with Russian dressing and you have propaganda bites as good as Putin’s.

And you can throw away thos old julienne blades. we replaced them with the Kellyanne blade to turn ugly little shitstorms into perfectly sliced explanations that no one will recognize. And how about that cumbersome Constitution? No need to spend time and money on lawyers and hours of preparation. Just insert the Democracy-O-Matic’s precision slicing blade to remove the parts of the Constitution you don’t like and keep the juicy ones that everyone in your party enjoys. Watch how easy freedom of the press, the right to due process, and the emoluments clause fall away leaving only the Second Amendment and slavery. You can just take all the other freedoms and protections and flush them right down garbage disposal. And when it comes to demolishing affordable health care for twenty million people, the job is made easy by attaching the snap-on death panels.

And that’s not all. If you order now we will throw in our award-winning Pee Shooter. Just load it up yourself or with a Russian hooker and spray away! Either way you can defile any chair, bench, or bed that your predecessor slept in. You can even spray it around the office. What better way to establish that you are the alpha dog in the pack than by marking your territory with Trumpco’s Pee Shooter. And the best part, it is dishwasher safe. Just put it on the rack with all your other dishes and utensils.  And don’t worry, pee is sterile!

So order now and start shredding democracy just like our president-elect. And remember to use the code “Putin” when ordering and our agent will include a second Democracy-O-Matic and Pee Shooter absolutely free. You just pay additional shipping and loss of your right to a fair trial. Shredding democracy doesn’t have to take a lot of time, it can be done quickly, just like Donald Trump is doing.

Democracy Shredder: The easy way to turn your democracy into a Banana Republic smoothie!

410-1

Are you like our POSPOTUS* and full of shit? Are you feeling the need to pinch a loaf?  Are you experiencing diarrhea or constipation just like the Orange Overlord’s brain? Does the mere thought of Donald Trump having access to the nuclear codes send you rushing to the bathroom to avoid dropping a deuce in your pants? Well why not enjoy the “go” since you will be spending a lot more time on your toilet during the next four years? Well here on Episode 410 or The Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car has the perfect pastime to make your nature’s call enjoyable and challenging. You can now pass the time away playing the new toilet game, “Potty President”. Inspired by the popular games “Potty Basketball” and “Potty Golf”, “Potty President” is a fun pastime to play while you are passing gas, whether from your ass or Trump’s mouth.

Feel like the most powerful man in the world as you grunt and groan your way through the Trump presidency. Just drop your pants around your ankles and put your fingers on the nuclear codes. They look just like the real thing, too! Our wireless control module directs the action while you attack your enemies on a 3D map of the world. Just hang the map on the back of the bathroom door and bombs away! Yes, while you are blowing mud you can be blowing up North Korea, Iran, or that columnist from Newsweek who said nasty things about you.

And as an added bonus, you can tweet your war games on the provided Twitter account. Tell the world in one hundred-fourty characters how wiping out China was as easy as wiping your ass. And there’s more. If you are among the first three-hundred to purchase “Potty President”, we will include our wind-up Kellyanne Conway. She will accompany you every time you drop some shit on the world and explain how it just doesn’t smell like an ordinary person’s. Of course the president doesn’t make stinkers, that smell must be from Hillary Clinton! With Kellyanne there in the bathroom, all your farts will be spun into a lilac smelling fragrance and foul odors explained away as just the lingering smell left by the press.

So don’t wait. Make your next poop pop with all the excitement of crapping on the country like Donald Trump. And while you are at it, don’t forget our accessory kit which includes a blond comb over wig, a roll of U.S. Constitution toilet paper, and gold foil to make your commode look just like the one the Trump uses. Included in the accessory kit is a wind-up deplorable doll that will cheer for you every time you drop a loaf.

So don’t let bathroom time be a boring time. Let loose with nukes while you let loose with your colon just like the real Trump does. Taking a dump doesn’t have to be unpleasant. The next time you drop the kids off at the pool take “Potty President” into the bathroom with you! And don’t take our word for it, just listen to this testimonial from President-elect Trump:

Whenever I feel the need to grow a tail, I always take along ‘Potty President’, so while I’m squeezing a streamer, I can nuke China all at the same time!

So share a shit with the president, after all,  you’ll be swimming in his crap for the next four years!

*POSPOTUS copyright © 2017 by Kenny Pick

 

409

For Episode 409 of The Tim Corrimal Show, a parody with apologies to Clement Moore:

“Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Trump Flats
All his creatures were stirring, white supremacist rats:
Their hoods were all hung in the hallways with care,
In hopes a white Santa Clause soon would be there;

Trump’s children were nestled all snug in gold beds,
While visions of trust-money danced in their heads;
And Bannon in his robes, and Conway in fake lashes,
Had just finished the last of their media bashes,

When out in the press pool there arose such a clatter,
They crawled from under their rocks to see what was the matter.
Away to the flat screens they flew like a flash,
Flipped on the remote to watch Dana Bash.

The tint of her skin was as white as the snow
Reflecting the panic in the chyron below,
When what to their terrified eyes should appear,
But Trump’s miniature fingers tweeting Christmas Eve fear,

With his trusty old iPhone, so easy and quick,
They knew in a moment it was their orange skinned prick.
More rapid than lawsuits his tweeting storm came,
As he whistled, and shouted, and called them bad names;

Jail Clinton, Chris Cuomo, Katy Tur, that’ll fix her!
Then Tapper, then Maddow, then that ugly Wolf Blitzer!
To the top of Trump Tower! To the Mexican wall!
Now disappear, disappear, disappear all!

As misstatements in a wild tweetstorm do fly,
When they meet with the fact-checkers, continue to lie,
So up to the newsrooms his invectives they flew,
With a lot of misogyny and racism too.

And then, in a twinkling, the news it got worse
Now he was tweet-bashing Miss Universe.
As they covered their eyes and turned down the sound,
Down the escalator Trump came with a bound.

He was dressed in Trump clothes, with a shaggy blond wig,
And a hat made in Mexico, and a tie from Beijing
A bundle of tweets was stuck on his phone,
And he looked like he just passed a kidney stone.

His eyes – how they raged! His tweets would not go!
His cheeks turned bright orange, the iPhone was slow!
His droll little mouth looked like his butt hole
And his multiple chins looked like doughy soft rolls

His stumpy fat fingers kept tapping the screen,
As he yelled, “Tweets are frozen and I’m gonna scream!”
He had a broad ass and a taco bowl belly,
With a tattoo that read, “I hate Megyn Kelly”

He paced and he mocked, a right nasty old elf,
And they cringed when they saw him, in spite of themselves;
But his twitching left eye and his nasty Trump frown,
Soon let them know they better humor this clown;

They spoke not a word, but went straight to their work,
Then gave back the iPhone to the fat orange jerk,
The tweets were all sent, so thumbing his nose,
He went to the exit and up the escalator he rose;

As he entered his penthouse, to the press gave a shout,
And away they all flew to report on the lout.
But they heard him exclaim, ere he slipped into his den,
IF YOU THINK IT’S BAD NOW, WAIT UNTIL I’M SWORN IN!

408-1

On Wednesday, the news leaked out of the plans for the 58th Presidential inaugural and they promise to be Trumpian. no little hands here, just all big hand on deck to make this the most tremendous, hugest, inaugural in history. It will beat all the other inaugurals combined, bigly, and the Clown Car Update has obtained an exclusive copy of the planning for Episode 408 of The Tim Corrimal Show. These are the details we are aware of as of today:

Priority Booking at Premier Inaugural Hotel
You and your designees will recieve priority booking for up to eight hotel rooms at your own expense. Unfortunately, nearly all the hotels in the D.C. area have been closed due to serious health and safety violations discovered by the Trump administration’s HHS department. Fortunately, one hotel in the D.C. area did pass the inspection, The Trump International Hotel, Washington, D.C. Rooms are going fast, so get your reservations in early. There is a four-month minimum stay.

Exclusive Inaugural Events for $1,000,000+ Underwriters

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to a special event:

  • Leadership Luncheon – 4 Tickets

An exclusive event with Cabinet appointees and House and Senate leadership. Our most generous supporters will be treated to view a live lobotomy performed on Mitt Romney by the Secretary of HUD-designee, Ben Carson. Afterwards, Mr. Romney will greet attendees and apologize for saying nasty things about the president-elect.

Tickets to Official Inaugural Events:

You and your designees will receive the following allotment of tickets to official inaugural events:

  • Vice President’s Dinner -4 Tickets

An intimate and completely heterosexual dinner with Mike Pense and his female wife. Pizza and cake will be served by Indiana vendors who cater exclusively to straight couples. Since these bakers are celebrsting their religious freedom, LGBTQ underwriters are excluded from this event.

  • Ladies Luncheon – 8 Tickets

An opportunity to meet the ladies of the first families. First Lady Melania Trump will address the attendees with a speech formerly given in 1962 by Jacqueline Kennedy.

  • Victory Reception – 8 Tickets

An entertainment-filled welcome reception. Scott Baio will thrill the crowd with a re-enactment of his most popular scenes from his hit show, “Joanie Loves Chachi”with Sen. Joanie Ernst playing the Erin Moran parts. The finale will feature the newly castrated Sen. Ted Cruz reprising his role in the college production of “The Crucible”.

  • Candlelight Dinner – 8 Tickets

An elegant dinner with special appearances by President-elect Trump or a cardbeard facsimile. In honor of the fossil fuel indistry underwriters, candles will be replaced with gas lamps and oil-burning torches. The ballroom will be heated by coal donated by miners from West Virginia who still believe that Trump will get their jobs back.

  • Inaugural Concert and Fireworks – 8 Tickets

An exciting celebration on the National Mall with musical guest Ted Nugent playing his one hit song over and over again. After the concert, Ted Nugent will shit his pants when he hears the fireworks to commemorate the way he avioded the draft.

  • Parade – 8 Tickets

A celebration of our nations European origins stretching from Capitol Hill to the White House on historic Pennsylvania Avenue. The parade will feature The Hoods and Robes Marching Band and will conclude with a cross-burning at the end of the route. There, Steve Bannon will be awarded the Medal of Freedom.

  • Inaugural Ball Premier Access – 8 TIckets

A black-tie affair with premier access tickets which allow entrance to any Kentucky Fried Chicken, Burger King, or Taco Bell in the D.C. Metro area. Sorry, but in deference to the HUD secretary-designate, there will be no Popeye’s venues.

Presidential Swearing-In Ceremony – 8 Tickets
Be there when white America gets its country back with the swearing-in of Fuhrer Trump. He will be sworn in on a copy of “Art of the Deal” by Russian President Valdimir Putin with an invocation by Julian Assange. Assange will then be granted a presidential pardon for making this day possible. Putin will be given Poland.

Hospitality and Transportation
Due to the deportation of all hospitality workers and shuttle drivers, no service will be available to you or your designees.

Recognition
Your corporation will be recognized on all official inaugural printed material and all legislation benefiting your industry. Continuing access to President Trump can be purchased though the Trump Foundation or Trump University.

Of course, some of the original plans for the gala had to be abandoned. The origonal plans were to have Trump flown to the inaugural platform in a helocopter and lowered to the podium. Those plans had to be scraped when test dummies kept losing their wigs in the transfer. Also, Trump complained that there was nothing to grab on the helocopter since none of the Miss Teen Universe contestants would fly with him.

 

 

 

 

407-1

Thanksgiving Day, millions of Americans excitedly watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade with its fabulous balloons, wonderful floats, marching bands, and Broadway talent.  This Thanksgiving, the first of the post-PC era, has seen a new tradition in honor of the new Bigot-in-Chief, Donald Trump. It was the first annual Trump All White Meat Turkey Day Parade held around the block that holds Trump Tower.

For Episode 407 of the Tim Corrimal Show, The Clown Car Update was there to bring you all the excitement that thrilled the crowd of young and not-so-young white supremacists. They stood for hours in the early dawn hours of frigid New York, their flannel hoods and robes their only source of warmth. But it was all worth it as a parade of their favorite KKK superheroes and Nazi cartoon characters excited the little ones with visions of what promises to be a very, very white Christmas. So, let’s join the parade’s official MC, David Duke, as he describes the festivities!

First up is the Rudy Giuliani balloon. Its enormous head is inflated with over one million cubic feet of laughing gas and held down by one hundred volunteers from the psychiatric ward of Bellevue Hospital. The balloon has a mouth that is constantly moving and spitting on the crowds below, just like the real Rudy. The kids seem to love it, as the rude balloon yells over and over “lock her up”, just like the real Rudy did every day on Fox News. It is sure to become a favorite here for years to come as America’s Mayor becomes America’s Buffoon Balloon!

The next balloon is something special, a reminder of America’s nostalgic past when every building had a ‘whites only’ entrance. That’s right, it’s the Jeff Sessions balloon, with a life-size Beauregard in flowing white robes and holding his famous KKK hood in his hand. But watch out, his eyes are moving back and forth, searching for non-white faces in the crowd. The music blares “Dixie’s Land,” as balloon Jeff’s confederate flag waves in the wind. And as a special touch, stuck to the bottom of Jeff’s shoe is the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

Hear that sound? Yes, it’s the White Supremacist Marching Band conducted by Richard Spencer, president of the National Policy Institute. But don’t let that fancy name fool you, this is the same group that hates anyone who is not white and of European decent. The theme of this rollicking band is “Heil to the Chief” as each member is sporting a Hitler moustache.  Let’s listen, shall we, as the band plays “Das Lied der Deutschen” or “The Song of the Germans”. On second thought, let’s not.

Oh, oh! What’s that commotion you hear in the distance? Why it’s the General Michael Flynn float. No Muslims are allowed on this float, as Gen. Flynn runs around and around chasing a woman in a Burqa. This float was put together by Islamophobs around the country who took time from their busy militia duties to lovingly build a tribute to the general. The float is covered with shredded copies of the Quran, and just above the animation is a reenactment of a suspect being water boarded as the crowd cheers U-S-A, U-S-A.

As the parade nears its finale with the appearance of the big guy of the day, the last balloon rounds the corner and yes, it’s a tribute to the people who made the White Supremacist Parade possible, the Republican Party! Represented by its mascot, a big goofy looking elephant, the GOP, the Grand Oligarch Party, celebrates its first Thanksgiving free of political correctness and any semblance of decency or caring for anyone not rich and white in America. But what is that coming out of the back of Dumbo? It’s a dump of the crap that the GOP has been dropping on us for the last thirty years. Very realistic!

And now, the moment this enormous crowd has been waiting for, the man of the season, the guy who puts the smiles on white nationalists young and old, the man with the big belly, Donald Trump. The kids are going wild as Don and Melania wave and throw Medicare vouchers out to the cheering crowd. Don’t worry, he knows who’s been naughty and nice, because his little elf Omarosa is keeping a list of enemies who treated big Don with mean things to say on Twitter. Watch out, Lindsey Graham, it looks like you’ll be getting coal in your stocking this year! But don’t worry, it will be clean coal because Trump world is full of fantasies.

And so, ends the first annual White Supremacist Parade with all the pomp and pageantry of the old Jim Crow south. But don’t be sad, because this parade is just the beginning. The people responsible for this new tradition are already hard at work, planning next year’s parade. And there is no need to wait until next Thanksgiving either, because starting on January 20, 2017, Mr. Trump had guaranteed that there will be a constant parade of buffoons and cartoon characters to entertain us each and every day for the next four years.

 

 

 

 

 

406

The Presidential transition ran into a major snag this week as President-elect Trump was informed that he, not a casting director, must form the government. An Administration official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said the newly elected billionaire appeared to be in shock. The source told the Clown Car Update for Episode 406 of The TimCorrimal Show that at the meeting, the president-elect seemed blindsided at the revelation. “It’s a good thing the meeting was behind closed doors because it got ugly in a hurry”, the official said. As the president ran down a list of duties and responsibilities that the president-elect was required to perform daily, Trump’s pallor began to turn from bright to pale orange.  “It was really scary,” the official said, “as his eyes slowly rolled back in his head, his tiny hands clutched at his stomach, and he slid from the chair to the floor, out cold!”

The source described the scene as chaotic. Apparently, before passing out, the president elect became so upset that he soiled himself and vomited up an entire Happy Meal. The smell was so intense that the room had to be evacuated except for medical personnel. Apparently, the president-elect’s hairpiece rolled across the room and rested right on Biden’s shoe. “Talk about busting a gut,” the official laughed, “Joe kept wiggling the thing around on the tip of his shoe. It looked like one of those Tribbles on Star Trek.” According to our source, Joe Biden had to be treated in one of the outer offices for a stomach muscle strain he received from laughing so hard.

The White House thought it would be a good idea to call Trump’s personal physician, Dr. Bornstein, but were surprised to find out that he had suddenly left the country the day after the election. When medics were unable to revive the president-elect, Kellyanne Conway was summoned to the White House. Upon her arrival, she was escorted into the room where he was laying in the remains of his regurgitated Big Mac, gurgling something about “a disaster, bigly”. Without batting one of her false eyelashes, she began kicking the president-elect’s twitching body with her boots. “This happens all the time.” she was quoted as saying, seeming to enjoy the exercise, “every time someone tells him he actually won.” He seemed to respond to Conway’s kicks and was soon sitting up in his chair. As his tiny fingers clutched the edge of the chair, the orange color came back to his skin and Conway leaned in and whispered, “If you just get through this meeting I promise we will stop on the way home for some KFC.”

After Trump stopped shaking, the meeting resumed and President Obama offered to show Trump the presidential living quarters. With that, our source told us, Trump began to turn pale again. “You mean I have to live here,” he reportedly said and sank to the floor once again. “That should do it for today,” Conway informed the group, “just roll him into the limo and we’ll have to do this another time.” As they drove away, Conway could be heard screaming in the car, “For that, no Twitter the rest of the day!”

As Trump’s motorcade slipped from view, an aide remarked that it was a good thing that the public didn’t see that. Just then, President Obama glanced over at Joe Biden. “Just uploaded to YouTube,” Biden laughed.

Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You (Not)!

Posted: November 17, 2016 in New Post

According to the pundit class, the lesson liberals should learn from last Tuesday’s nightmare is that we haven’t been sensitive enough to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. My question to the Chris Matthews of the world is this: Just what needs and concerns should I be paying attention to?
Is it the need to hate minorities and to indiscriminatingly shoot African-Americans in the street for having a broken taillight, or worse, just being them?
Is it the need to hate the LGBTQ community and deny them basic services because of a Bible written by some anonymous Neanderthal?
Is the need to commit violence on transgender people who simply want to use the bathroom?
Is it the need of men to treat women like chattel, baby machines with no rights to decisions about their own bodies? Or the need to excuse the sexual abuse of women as nothing more than locker room talk?
Is it the concern that civil society no longer finds their racism acceptable in a multicultural country?
Is it the concern that their belief in white supremacy no longer has the support of decent human beings?
Is it the concern of the alt-right white supremacists who now revel in the fact that one of their own will now have an office just a few feet from the Oval Office?
I have a message for the cable news pundits and political analysts who are now trying to justify and normalize the sewage that is about to contaminate the White House: I have no desire to hear their needs and concerns. I have heard them before, in the calls for more gun violence, the murders of black youth, the rise of white nationalism, and the cries for racial purity. I have listened to their need to tie gay people to a fence and beat them to death. I have listened to their need to abuse women and laugh about it on a bus. I have listened to their need to preserve their white privilege while at the same time whine when they are called what they are, racists.
Yes, I have listened to the needs and concerns of the Trump voter. I have been in touch with many of them over the last fifteen months, and it has left me with nothing but the intense need to take a shower.

405

For Episode 405 of the Tim Corrimal Show, this is my pre-election rant!

On Tuesday, we will not only be choosing the next president, but if our democracy survives at all. No one can be sure for certain what the outcome will be, but we will certainly make history. Either we will elect our first woman president, or an arsonist. It is worth recounting how we got here.

On the Democratic side, we had Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, debating policy and looking for a better future for our country. On the republican side, we had what the Republicans thought was a “deep bench” with an abundance of talent. What it actually turned out to be was an overflowing cesspool. It was certainly deep, but with an abundance of what usually lurks in a sewer. The Democratic side, produced a candidate who is intelligent, meticulously prepared, eminently qualified, with a lifetime of serving our country. The Republican side produced what one would expect from a cesspool. And, as what commonly occurs when one overflows, the biggest turd rose to the top. If the Republicans were health conscious, they would have been concerned that their turd was orange and hairy. But as we all know, Republicans have no interest in health, and the hairy orange turd was the natural excretion of what the party’s base has been fed for decades.

The Republican nominee launched his campaign with a barrage of insults for emigrants, particularly Latinos, calling them rapist and drug dealers. He proposed building a wall across our entire southern border. Most reasonable observers thought that sppech would be the end of his presidential aspiration, but unfortunately it was just beginning. What followed was one of the ugliest candidacies in modern history aided and abetted by the MSM. This turd did and said everything that would push a normal stool back to the bottom of the cesspool. But ratings were good, so our living rooms were filled with his stench for fifteen months.

He insulted a female debate moderator for exposing his misogyny, implying she was on her period. He criticized prisoners of war for being captured, insulted the looks of another female candidate, and then another candidate’s wife. He implicated that same candidate’s father in the assassination of JFK, falsely claimed to have seen Muslims in New Jersey celebrating the day of 9/11, mocked a disabled reporter, and threatened to ban an entire religion from entering the United States. He has called for the assassination of his opponent, has encouraged his audience to beat up protesters, has called for the murder of the wives and children of suspected terrorists, and proposed to use torture in violation of U.S. law.

He has expressed admiration for brutal dictators, most notably Vladimir Putin, while denouncing our own president as weak. He has asked Russia to spy on our own government. He has expressed interest in advancing the expansion of Russian interests against our allies in NATO and has threatened to end that alliance altogether. He has a fascination with nuclear weapons and wonders why we don’t use them more often. He would even like to see them spread to other countries like Japan, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia. And like a person with road rage, he would start WWIII if another country’s sailors merely gestured the wrong way.

He acts like an adolescent bully, using social media to belittle anyone who disagrees with him and then laughably sends his wife out to pretend that as First Lady she will be a champion for his victims. He tells female reporters to “shut up,” and has encouraged his supporters to harass the press whose job it is to cover his campaign. He seeks to muzzle the press, end free speech, and jail his political opponent.

He claims to have the temperament to be trusted with our nuclear codes, but cannot control his compulsive use of Twitter to attack a former Miss Universe. He brags about sexually assaulting women, and when accused by twelve women of doing exactly what he bragged about, lies about it without a tinge of conscience, pretending he doesn’t know them. To him they are pigs, liars, and dogs. He thinks all African-Americans are jobless, murderous drifters living in a dystopia of their own making, and then promises to be their messiah.

The people running his campaign come from the bottom of the very cesspool that produced him. They are a cabal of right-wing conspiracy theorists, Russian sympathizers, white supremacists, John Birchers, misogynists, and unrepentant bigots. They are what used to be restricted to the sludge at the bottom of the cesspool but have attached themselves like parasites to the floating fuzzy orange turd. And they are spreading into our political system, polluting the very democracy that was for over two-hundred years our fountain of hope. And at the very end of his campaign of destruction, he has shamelessly colluded with the FBI, the very institution that is supposed to protect our citizens and insure justice, to spread his lies and conspiracy theories. He has done all of this while at the same time trying to convince voters that this turd doesn’t really smell that bad.

On Tuesday, you have a choice. You can vote for Hillary Clinton, or vote for this cesspool to flood our democracy. Worse, you can choose to do nothing, or use your vote as a protest, falsely believing that by burning down the house you won’t die in the fire.

On August 9, 1974, in his swearing-in speech, President Gerald Ford referred to the ordeal of Watergate and said, “My fellow Americans, our long national nightmare is over.” I hope on Tuesday night we can echo those words with the election of Hillary Clinton. If not, our long national nightmare will be just beginning.