Twilight’s Last Gleaming?

Posted: July 25, 2017 in New Post

In the last few days, Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi have unveiled the Democratic plan for helping the middle class regain their footing in the changing economy of the Twenty-First Century. To those of you who have heard me on The Tim Corrimal Show and Turn Up the Night with Kenny Pick, you know that this is something I have been advocating for a long time. In fact, the day after the House pulled the first version of their “health care” bill, I warned that it would be a tragically missed opportunity for the Democrats not to offer an alternative to the bile flowing from the gut of the depraved Republican party. My view has been for a long time that to simply oppose their destruction of the social safety net was not enough. They must remind American voters that it has been the Liberal Democrats who through the Great Depression, the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s, and the Great Recession of 2008, fought for the preservation of the American Dream for everyone.

As encouraged as I am about this first step in presenting a Democratic vision, there is a chorus of voices running through the party that is obsessed with “connecting with the disaffected Trump voters.” They warn against “identity politics” and encourage the party to tone down its commitment to justice for the disaffected and the disadvantaged. They see a disadvantage in standing for the rights of the LGBTQ community, supporting Black Lives Matter, fair immigration reform, workers bargaining rights, and justice for every American whether Christian, Jewish, Muslim, or atheist.

To me, these things are the soul of the Democratic Party. Caring about social justice and economic fairness has always gone hand and hand with Liberal ideals. They are not mutually exclusive and need not be separated in an effort to achieve electoral success. To the Trump voters who only seek validation of their bigotry, who only see justice in denying the rights of others, I say to hell with them. If the price of power requires catering to this basket of depolorables and their need to feel superior to anyone who is not what they consider “real Americans”, if selling our soul is the path to electoral victory, then maybe the republic we love so much is already lost.

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The Clown Car Update has learned of plans by Donald Trump to fire the Senate, the House of Representatives, and the Supreme Court except for Neil Gorsuch. Our Delaware Bureau Chief @francie57, reports that the move is designed to consolidate Trump’s power. The president also has decided to move Kremlin staff into the resulting empty space in the Capitol and the Supreme Court Buildings.

The reaction by Democrats to the move was swift. “He must be locked up!”, screamed Chuck Schumer, as he was being handcuffed by Secret Service\ and charged with the newly declared crime of “Conspiracy to not be nice to President Trump.” Other Democratic lawmakers were unavailable for comment and were seen boarding military aircraft headed for Guantanamo Bay. Witnesses at Andrews Air Force Base say that among the Democrats were some members of Trump’s own former staff including Sean Spicer and former Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sources close to Spicer tell The Clown Car News that his wife found his office ransacked with only a torn Easter Bunny outfit suggesting a violent struggle.

Republican reaction has been mostly muted, with a few exceptions. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell supported the move. “Look, he is allowing us to live and has pledged not to harm our families. I think that is very generous.” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan agreed. “Look,” Ryan said, “we should all be thankful for the opportunity to walk away unharmed. The president did win the election so it really is his government to run.”  When asked about the incarceration of the Democrats, Ryan declined to comment except to say that “Guantanamo is lovely this time of year.”

Reaction from around the world was mixed. French president Emmanuel Macron was taken by surprise. “I should have never shown him Napoleon’s grave,” Macron lamented, “he really, really liked Napoleon’s style!” German Chancellor Angela Merkel offered this assessment, “Let’s just say we have seen this here in Germany and believe me, it does not end well.” As for other reactions, Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels had some bad news for Melissa McCarthy. “We will be letting her go immediately. Spicer in Guantanamo just is not funny.”

Reaction in Russia was ecstatic. ‘We can now admit that we hacked your election and won!”, Vladimir Putin said in a statement, “and we got the idiot we wanted. We not only got our compounds back, but we get to have the Capitol Building as well! That dome will have to go, though. We really prefer onion domes, you know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Clown Car update has learned that the White House is planning more restrictive procedures to be put in place regarding the format of the daily briefing. Sources close to the White House communication office told the Clown Car Update that effective immediately, the identity of the person at the podium will be concealed from reporters. Various methods of concealment are being discussed including shadow screens and voice distortion equipment. But our sources tell us that there is a consensus forming around the idea of the person at the podium wearing a paper bag over their head.

The paper bag idea has been gaining momentum since the president is a big fan of the Gong Show’s “Unknown Comic”, Murray Langston. Our sources tell us that Langston, who developed a cult following in the  ’70s, has been an informal advisor to Trump on matters of national security and domestic policy, which may explain some of the comedic aspects of Trump’s agenda. Langston has previously proposed replacing the Affordable Care Act with a free first aid kit for all Americans as universal health coverage.  That idea apparently gained no traction on Capitol Hill. Langston was first consulted when both Sean Spicer and Sarah Huckabee Sanders expressed growing embarrassment with being identified with on camera briefings. Sources tell us that they no longer wanted to be associated with the Trump administration on live television. Langston faced similar embarrassment when he agreed to participate on the Gong Show. Fearing he would harm his reputation as a comic, he chose to appear on the show with a paper bag over his head.

The plan is to have the person at the podium wearing a large, brown paper bag with cutouts for their eyes and mouth. Also, to further disguise their identity, they would all wear cheap leisure suits. Steve Banon reportedly was insisting that the bags be white, but it was ultimately decided that white bags would be bad optics. There will also be some ground rules to go along with the paper bags. First, no reporter is to ask who is wearing the bag. White House bags are now considered classified. Bag wearing is restricted to the presenter only. All reporters must be bag free.

If the paper bag does not ultimately get the approval of the president, there is one other plan he is said to favor that was brought up at his meeting with Vladimir Putin last week, which is to have Sean and Sarah appear as two Russian nesting dolls.

 

 

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U.S. officials confirmed to Clown Car News that North Korea’s claim that it launched an intercontinental ballistic missile overnight, this time with a warhead containing Gov. Chris Christy of New Jersey.

“The United States strongly condemns North Korea’s launch of an intercontinental ballistic missile with Gov. Christy.” the statement said. “Launching Gov. Christy represents a new escalation of the threat to the United States, our allies and partners, the region, and New Jersey beaches.”

In the statement, the officials confirmed that the satellite photos have confirmed that the warhead with Gov. Christy has landed on a beach near the governor’s summer home. The satellite pictures depict an eerily empty beach with what officials presume is the very large warhead and a few survivors playing around him. North Korean leader Kim Jong Un said the governor was a gift for the U.S., in honor of the Fourth of July.

A spokesperson for Nikki Haley, the U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, have told Clown Car News, “We intend to bring North Korea’s provocative action before the UN Security Council. The United States seeks only the peaceful removal of all of Gov. Christy from the Jersey Shore. As we, along with others, have made clear, we will never accept North Korea sending Gov. Christy to our shores.

According to the U.S. and South Korea, the missile has to be “the most powerful yet developed by the North to carry such an enormous payload.”

In response to the launch, the U.S. Army and military personnel from South Korea conducted a missile exercise firing short-range missiles into the Sea of Japan, carrying a Kelly Anne Conway warhead. A defense official said this U.S.-South Korean “show of force” will give North Korea “alternative facts to consider.” Chief Pentagon spokesperson Dana White called North Korea’s launch of  Gov. Christy  “an enormous escalation.” The launch of Kelly Anne Conway, White continued,  “demonstrates that we have repulsive things we could send them too!”

Trump took to Twitter on Monday, before the Pentagon issued an official statement on the matter, to respond to reports that North Korea conducted another missile test.

“Just saw the pictures of Chirs Christy on the Jersey Shore. Does this guy have anything better to do with his life?” he tweeted late Monday, presumably referring to New Jersey’s governor. “Hard to believe that South Jersey will put up with this much longer. Perhaps Bruce Springsteen will put a heavy move on Christy and end this nonsense once and for all.”

As for what the president intends to do about this latest intrusion into our sacred Jersey Shore beaches, he seemed skeptical about our intelligence. “Maybe it was North Korea, maybe it was China. For all we know, this was just some four-hundred-pound governor sitting on the beach!”

 

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Maybe you’re an FBI director between opportunities. Maybe your just a normal person looking for a great opportunity. You answer an ad in the Washington Post for a self-starter who wants the career of a lifetime to work in a high-profile position as a “person-of-interest.” However, when you arrive you are blindfolded and led into a dark room and attached to a microwave oven. When your blindfold is removed, you are sitting in a blinding light and across from you sits a man dressed as the Easter Bunny. He begins the conversation by screaming at you that Trump’s inauguration had the biggest crowds and to shut up and listen. Is this a setup? Was that newspaper ad a trap to get you to join a cult? Are you going to be found in pieces in a garbage bag floating in the Potomac? The Bunnyman tells you “you are hired!” And then it hits you. This is far, far worse. You begin to suspect you have been hired to work on the White House staff! How can you be sure? Here are the top ten ways to know you are working in the Trump White House:

10. Your employee handbook has a section on how to plead the Fifth.

9.   Your benefit package includes a criminal defense lawyer.

8.   At your orientation, you are shown the first three seasons of “Orange Is the New Black”

7.   Your screen saver is a subpoena

6.   Your Secret Service codename is “Suspect 432”

5.    You have a reserved seat in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee

4.    On your first day of work you are offered a plea deal

3.    You are given training on the proper way to be handcuffed

2.    At your job interview, you are read your Miranda Rights

1.    Repeat after me, “I don’t remember!”

If you recognize any of these signs, it’s already too late. You have joined the Trump White House and you’re probably looking at five to ten in a federal penitentiary. That’s right, you have been left to twist slowly, slowly in the wind and that view you have is the underside of a bus.

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Matthew 26: 17-30

The Last Cabinet Meeting 

On the one hundred and forty-second day of the Festival of Alternative Facts, the disciples came to Trump and asked, “Where do you want us to make preparations for you to eat the truth?”

He replied, “Go into the Cabinet Room to a certain man named Kushner and tell him, ‘The Orange Oracle says: The appointed time is near. I am going to celebrate the how great I am with my disciples in the White House’” So the disciples did as Babygod had directed them and prepared the spectacle.

When the time came, Trump was reclining at the table with the Fifteen. And while they were tripping over themselves trying to be the first to kiss his ample ass, he said, “Truly I tell you, one of you will betray me.”

They were very sad and began to say to him one after the other, “Surely you don’t mean me, Lord Trump?”

Trump replied, “The one who has dipped his lips into my ass will leak stuff.The Son of Fred lies just as it is written about him. But woe to that man who leaks bad things about the Son of Fred! It would be better for him if he had not been born, BIGLY”

While they were eating, Trump pulled down his pants and bent over saying, “Come and kiss this, this is my ass!” 

Then he pulled up his pants, and when he had given thanks, said, “Sing hymns of praise of me!”

And they sang, one by one, as parrots in a nut house.

Apostle Pence sang“It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to lie for you with a straight face and serve as the chief ass-kisser to the Great Leader who has assembled a team of the most pathetic self-serving sycophants. With you, I will finally have the opportunity to completely destroy what is left of reality and democracy which I so miserably failed to do alone as a congressman or governor.  

Apostle Sessions sang: “We are receiving, as you know — I’m not sure the rest of these lesser apostles understand — the support of sleazebags,  all over America. They have been very frustrated having to hide under rocks and damp cracks in the basement. They are so thrilled that, due to your greatness, they can now walk in the light of day and openly hate anyone not white, straight, or male. You have blessed me with the opportunity to do what I do best, pretend to be a decent human being while stonewalling every effort to expose you or me for what we are, a miserable nail fungus on the toes of America. Oh, and you are not under investigation!”

Apostle Mulvaney sang:Oh Lord Trump, thank you for a budget that allows us to starve worthless people who need starving. At the same time, with your holy blessing, we have been able to focus on the forgotten man and woman, who labor under the burden of having billions of dollars and the indignity of having to pay taxes. Trump be praised!”

Apostle Chao: Oh holy and blessed Trump, it was infrastructure week and you came to the Department of Transportation and thrilled hundreds and hundreds of people hanging out watching you walking on water. Who needs new bridges, right? And the buffet you arranged with just one fish and one loaf was a miracle, BIGLY!

Apostle Perry: “You found me wondering in the wilderness of Texas and brought me into the light of your greatness. When I couldn’t remember the third thing, you not only made me remember but also put me in charge of it. You have taught me that the Department of Energy is the Department of high-energy not low energy like Jeb Bush. Because of you, we are no longer held hostage to facts but can now claim that climate change is a Chinese hoax, just like those Chinese finger traps I was stuck in last night in my hotel room.”

Apostle Carson: “Like Lazarus, you have raised me from the dead sleep of unconsciousness to help me serve you and not to help any American. Praise you for Popeye Organizations and big belt buckles. I pray you keep me in perpetual slumber, amen.”

When they had sung a hymn, they went out to the Mount of Olive Garden for lunch.

This is the word of the Lord.

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There are a lot of things you should refrain from doing when you reach the age of 80. Never try out for the Olympic Gymnastic team. Don’t try to “hold it” until the next rest stop. And never, I mean never, be the last Senator to interview James Comey during a three-hour hearing. And although John McCain never tried a triple backflip and always has a pee bottle handy, he did violate the third rule when the elder statesman and cranky old man from Arizona, apparently had a stroke on live television while questioning the witness.

It was a historic day, to say the least. It was the first time in history that you had the former FBI director, who was fired by the current president, testifying to potential obstruction of justice. Second, it was the first day in that Donald Trump didn’t tweet a word. Sources tell us this was accomplished by distracting him with buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken and various artist conceptions of what his inauguration would have looked like if anyone attended.

But it all built to the most dramatic moment at the very end of the hearing when Sen. John McCain, the man who made Sarah Palin and Depends Breathable undergarments famous. As he proceeded,  his line of questioning sounded a drunk asking how his pants got pulled over his head. “Why,” he asked Comey, “did you end the Clinton email investigation and not the Trump/Russia investigation?” This was like asking Franklin Roosevelt why he was fighting the Second World War and not the Civil War. Comey explained that one investigation was finished and one was ongoing. McCain just was totally confused and looked like the time your grandfather wandered into the panty department in Target.

As McCain persisted in asking the same question over and over again and you could see his staff behind him frantically dialing 911 on their cellphones. They were looking on like family members watching Grampa remove all his clothes and jump into his birthday cake. Just shield the kid’s eyes and grab a big towel. But in this case, there was no towel, just Sen. Gramps flailing through papers, which didn’t help because all that was in front of him was his lunch order from the day before. Realizing McCain’s dilemma, Comey explained again that the Clinton investigation had reached a conclusion and the Trump/Russian investigation had not. This seemed to make him angrier, and I swear he mumbled something like “get off my lawn” or “build the dang fence.” He blurted out, “there just seems to be a double standard here.” Yes, John, you are right, there is a double standard. One for when investigations end, and one for when they are ongoing.

Now I know that McCain must have a professional staff who probably took him aside, explained that he had just crapped his pants in front of millions of viewers, and then quickly medicated him. Thankfully, he was the last questioner and was never elected president. But there is a lesson for us all here which is, when you reach the age of eighty, stop hitting on twenty-year-olds, stay close to a bathroom, and never, never go last at a Senate hearing.

 

 

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This week, Donald Trump posted an early morning tweet that to the majority of people not on crack made absolutely no sense. It went like this: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” When he was asked about the  “covfefe” tweet during a press conference, Spicy told our reporters, “The President and a small group of people know exactly what he meant”. Right. Which means that the president has completely lost his mind and fell asleep on the toilet. Well, our Clown Car reporters dug deeper into the mystery of “covfefe” and found that this is not the only code word Trump’s staff has had to explain. We found a partial list of other words that Trump invented to express his delusions. Here is a partial list:

Peememe: This means “I’m ready for you to piss on me” It was used between Trump and his Russian contacts as a signal to send in the peeing hookers. Used in a Tweet it would be “This was such a stressful day and I’m horney peememe”

Putdada: This means “Putin is my daddy”. It is how Vladimir Putin demands Donald Trump to start any conversation with himself or a Russian official. On Twitter, it would look like “Obama tapped my wires Putindada”

Scooptutu: This means “Since I’m the president, everyone gets one scoop of ice cream and I get two” This is obviously a really big deal to Trump, along with the fact that he gets the extra chicken sauce and the largest diet Coke.  On Twitter, it would be “I just had a great dinner. Nuked Syria, then had the best chocolate cake scooptutu”

Combama: This is a vision Trump has in his most dreaded nightmare. In it, he is chased by a man with Jim Comey’s body and Barack Obama’s head. This explains his tweet “Bad man, sick man, Combama!”

Obamtap: This is used when the voices inside Donald’s head start telling him someone is watching him and leaking information.  He hallucinates that Obama is under his desk listening to his phone conversations. He tweets “Funny noises in my head, obamatap!”

Inteloopse: Sometimes, when meeting with Russian spies, Trump has been known to blurt out top secret information like the name of American spies working in the Kremlin. Trump then tweets “Inteloops!”

Endhaphape: This is a code word known only to Trump’s most trusted advisors. It is used when he is bragging about his sexual exploits in Russia. It means “happy ending”.  In a tweet, it would be “The girls just gave me a golden shower and endhaphap.”

Hoodwinke: This word is a nod of appreciation to the KKK and white supremacists. As we all know, Trump loves his supporters, especially those white ones, who sometimes wear hoods.  on Twitter it looks like this, “I don’t even know David Duke hoodwink”

Popepoope: A code word for “the Pope’s evil and full of shit” in a tweet, it would look like “The Pope just handed me his encyclical on climate change popepoop.”

Now, the Clown Car reporters were only able to obtain a partial list of these code words. Our sources tell us that some code words are only known to Donald himself. For example, tinypeepee, badshrinkage, poopedpants, and wigglue. For now, we will leave those interpretations to you!

Ryad, Saudi Arabia: Dear Diary, I just landed in Saudi Arabia and I love this place! Everywhere you look, there is a big picture of me just like in my bedroom. So many people come up to me and tell me how better looking I am than Obama because he’s bad or sick. It really feels like home here because all the men are wearing white robes. It’s like one big Trump rally! Later, those guys took out swords and started to dance. It scared the shit out of me and I dropped a load in my pants. They must have really liked my dancing because later the king gave me a medal. The fake news said I curtseyed but like the dishonest media they are, they got the story wrong. I had to dip because my Depends started to shift. On our last night, I gave a speech about how much I love all the Muslims there but that I really don’t want them coming to my country. They seemed OK with that because I sold them lots of guns to help them kill other Muslims. Then we all touched a big glowing ball and it told me I was the best-looking president ever, I had bigger crowds than Obama, and I really won the popular vote. I must remember to fire Sean Spicer and get one of these balls.

Tel Aviv, Israel:  Dear Diary, we finally landed in Israel and believe me, it is good to be out of the Middle East. There are too many Muslims with swords.  My son-in-law Jared is here too and he’s a Jew, so that makes Bibi happy. Bibi has a wall like I want and I got to go there with a guy with a beard and a beanie on his head. They gave me a beanie to wear too, but mine had a helicopter on it.  I touched the wall and everyone thought I was praying but I closed my eyes and wished that Jim Comey would drop dead. Just in case, I hid the tape of me trying to bribe him in a hole in the wall. Later at a news conference, I assured Bibi that I never told the Russians what he told me about ISIS. He looked surprised.

Rome: Dear Diary, Today we landed in Rome. After this, they said we will go to Italy. I can’t wait for Italy because there you get to grab anything you want and get away with it. It’s like all the Italian men are Donald Trump. I tried to grab Melania’s hand on the tarmac but she slapped my hand away. I think she’s still mad about that pissing thing in Moscow or maybe that pussy thing. Whatever, she won’t even hold my hand. She says she doesn’t know where it’s been. Sad. She is such a loser because I have the biggest, best hands to hold. Even those guys in the sheets in Ryad held my hand. I never kissed them like Bush though, because that’s gay and I am not gay. Also, my penis is really big.  I met the pope today. Sean Spicer wanted to come along to confess to lying so much. I sent him home. The pope wore a beanie and a robe. I guess he’s half Muslim and half Jewish. I gave him a set of books from Martin Luthor King, Jr. and told him how much the blacks loved me at home. Then I asked him if he would go on CNN and tell everyone that I am not under investigation by the FBI. He said no and instead gave Ivana a rosary and told her to pray for America. He’s really something. Such a kidder! As we left, all the Cardinals waved goodbye with the special Cardinal Salute holding up their middle fingers in my honor.

Brussels, Belgium: We arrived in Belgium which is a nice break from my European trip. Here I will attend a NATO meeting. To be honest, I have no idea what NATO stands for, but Bannon tells me they owe me a lot of money. I told them to pay up or I might have to send some Russians to mess up their beautiful city. Then we took pictures and some guy from Montenegro tried to get his mug in front of me. I gave him the Montana Body Slam and got in front of him. Note: Add Montenegro to my travel ban. Tomorrow we go to Sicily and I’m looking forward to seeing some old mob buddies hiding there. I guess I’ll be meeting with the seven Giamatti families because they call it the G-7. They helped me with a lot of real estate deals so maybe they can help with Comey. Tomorrow we fly back to Washington where I can finally have some KFC and a decent bowel movement. Traveling really blocks me up and I’m having a Movantik moment. And after I get back, Kellyanne promised me THREE scoops of ice cream and I will be giving the commencement address to the 2017 class of Trump University. “Go Pricks!”

 

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Sources close to the White House have told the Clown Car that the president of the United States has defected to Russia. Apparently thinking around the president’s legal team is that after the appointment of a special counsel on Thursday, this was his only move left. Last night, on his first foreign tour of his presidency, Trump tweeted one word that left the world baffled.It was “Rosebud.” Moments later, our sources tell us, Trump ordered Air Force One to be prepared for an unscheduled stop in Moscow, Russia.  A few hours later, Trump’s entourage landed at Domodedovo International Airport where they were greeted by Trump’s closest friend and advisor, Vladimir Putin.

On the flight to Moscow, Trump’s new press secretary, Sean Spicelov told reporters that Trump felt underappreciated by friends and enemies alike and decided to spend the rest of his life among the only source of support he had left, the Russians. The scene on Air Force One was surreal as Spicelov, who bore a striking resemblance to Sean Spicer except for a pair of glasses with a big nose and mustache attached, told reporters the plan. Apparently, weeks ago, when the president met with Sergey Lavrov and Sergey Kislyak in the Oval Office, a note was passed from Trump to Lavrov asking to get him out of this mess. Apparently, all the laughing that was seen on the photos of the meeting was Lavrov’s reaction when Trump lamented that he should have never left those pissers in Moscow. Trump said everything trickled out of control since then. The Russians at the time assured him that if he ever needed to get away, the girls in Moscow were still there, ready to shower him with praise.

The appointment of the special counsel was the last straw, according to Spicelov, and the plan was set in motion. Trump contacted Putin’s office and, in exchange for the nuclear codes, Putin agreed to give Trump asylum. When asked by Andrea Mitchell of NBC News about the wisdom of giving such sensitive information to Putin, Spicelov abruptly turned the press briefing over to Sarah Sanderlosky, who, except for a blond wig and a large mole on her nose, resembled Sarah Huckabee Sanders. She dismissed Mitchell’s question, explaining that the nuclear codes were the property of the American people, not the fake news press. Asked if she Trump was concerned Putin would use the codes against the United States, she replied, “well, that would solve the problem of that special counsel then, wouldn’t it?”

When we contacted Melania Trump at Trump Tower, she dismissed the entire incident as her husband just acting out. Melania Trump told The Clown Car that her husband was engaged in “boy talk, and he was led on – like, egg on – from Lavrov to say dirty and bad stuff” in the Oval Office. “He’ll be back!” When asked how she was so sure, Melania responded, “he forgot his golf clubs!”