The Clown Car Update for August 2, 2015

This week on Episode 346 of the Tim Corrimal Show we preview the comedy event of the season. No, not the season premier of SNL or  the debut of Jon Stewart’s replacement, I’m speaking of the first GOP presidential debate on Fox (This Passes For) News this Thursday.  Many have complained that the Fox criteria for choosing which of the 17 candidates get to participate is unfair, and I agree. So, I have devised an alternative. Call it the “GOP Self Awareness Test”.  It would be used to confirm that your positions on the issues are just as screwed up as your party’s. There are 10 questions and a tiebreaker, just in case you find, as I suspect, that you are all on the lunatic fringe:

The best way to insure that all children are able to succeed in school is to:

1. Support programs like Head Start
2. Provide good nutrition
3. Provide a strong public education system
4. Force disadvantaged children to work as janitors after school

 

The Affordable Care Act has had the effect of:

1. Insuring 21 million people
2. Slowing the growth of health care costs
3. Lowering the deficit
4. Providing promiscuous co-eds birth control and causing the Ebola outbreak

 

Global warming is primarily caused by:

1. Mankind burning fossil fuels
2. Excess carbon emissions by large corporations
3. The proliferation of internal combustion engines
4. God’s anger over the Supreme Court’s marriage equality ruling

 

Dinosaurs roamed the earth during:

1. The Jurassic Period
2. The Triassic Period
3. The Cretaceous Period
4. The Revolutionary War Period

 

Barack Obama is:

1. The 44th President of the United States
2. The first African-American president
3. The first president to pass universal health care
4. The Anti-Christ

 

The economic collapse of 2008 was caused by:

1. A housing bubble
2. Predatory lending practices
3. Wall street trading toxic mortgages
4. Greedy poor people

 

The Supreme Court’s recent ruling on marriage equality:

1. Assures same-sex couples are treated equally under the 14th Amendment
2. Assures every marriage is recognized in all 50 states
3. Assures that same sex couples can enjoy the same rights and privileges of every couple
4. Assures God will smite down the United States and apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah

 

Ronald Reagan:

1. Raised taxes 11 times
2. Never uttered the word AIDS once during his presidency
3. Illegally sold arms to Iran in exchange for hostages
4. Is really still alive and is secretly being held by the New Black Panthers in a room at Planned Parenthood

 

Under the terms of the Iran Nuclear Deal:

1. Iran will give up about 14,000 of its 20,000 centrifuges
2. Iran will give up 97 percent of its enriched uranium
3. Iran will be forbidden from enriching uranium beyond energy-grade fuel
4. I have no idea what the terms are but am opposed to every word of it

 

President Obama was born in:

1. 1961
2. The United States
3. The State of Hawaii
4. Kenya or Mars

Compassionate conservatism is a better answer than liberalism to the following problems:

1. Budget deficits
2. Medicare cost control
3. Caring for the poor
4. Keeping us safe from terrorists

 

After taking the test, submit your answers to Fox News. They will verify your answers and tell you when and where to report for the debate. Winners will be chosen from those who answered all the questions correctly, plus the tiebreaker, if necessary. If you looked up the answers on Breitbart.com, The Drudge Report, or any other right wing honking machine, you are a cheat and automatically qualify to participate in any GOP event. If you noticed that all the answers are #4,  you are automatically disqualified for demonstrating analytical thinking. Good luck!