The Clown Car Update for August 9, 2015

Posted: August 9, 2015 in New Post

The GOP presidential debate is now history, and has been analyzed by every pundit, blogger, or self-appointed expert on politics. What I have not seen is an analysis of what it was like for the first time viewers of Fox News . So, here on Episode 347 of the Tim Corrimal Show we sort of did a Frank Luntz type focus group of 10 volunteers who watched the debate and discussed their impressions as the debate went along. The following is a chronological description of our experience.

8:55 PM – The group begins to panic because they suddenly realize that the debate is about to begin and no one knows where to find Fox News.

8:57 PM – They finally find Fox News and try to tune in.  Unexpectedly,  a warning pops up on the TV that says “You are about to watch Fox News. This action cannot be undone. Do you want to continue?”  The panel hesitated a moment, but  voted “Yes”.

8:58 PM – Another warning pops up on the TV that says “This program is rated PIP for “Possibly Inducing Paranoia”.  Not recommended for anyone with a history of analytical thinking or rational behavior. Do you want to continue?”  The panel voted “Yes”.

8:59 PM – As the Fox News Channel comes on, the group is overwhelmed with alerts, banners, and colorful moving headlines. They were warned about this ahead of time and were provided sun glasses to reduce the glare. And yes, like everything else on Fox News, the sun glasses were polarizing.

9:00 PM – The moderators are introduced.  In the center of the questioners is a woman with blond hair and uncommonly long eyelashes which seem to defy gravity. The group’s guessed that the woman was obviously the leader by the relative appearance of her companions. The one on her left named Bret seems to have the low sloping brow of a Neanderthal and the disposition of a German interrogator.  The man to her right named Chris seems very pale and near death.

9:30 PM – After the first half hour of the debate it is the consensus of the group is that they are being punked.  I assured the group that, as scary as it may be, these candidates are real, except Rand Paul, who is a Muppet.

10:00 PM – One member of the group has a seizure.  Despite the warnings, he peeked over his sunglasses and fixated on the “Fox News Alert” chyron on the lower left of the TV screen. The EMT’s said he will be OK, they’ve seen this before when people watch too much of Fox News graphics.  The condition has a name:  Fox Neurological Unraveling of the Temporal Synapse or Fox NUTS for short.  It’s sort of like a seizure characterized by the patient screaming “Benghazi” and “liberty” repeatedly. Except for long term viewers, the effects are temporary.

10:45 PM – Ben Carson has been talking for about 30 seconds now and the entire panel has slipped into a deep coma.

11:00 PM – It’s over. Most of the panel members have revived with only a few still a bit groggy from the Ben Carson segment. They have recorded their impressions and they are as follows:

  • 9 of the 10 experienced nausea, headache, and rapid heart beat for the entire 2 hours. One panel member had to be hospitalized.
  • 1 panel member actually believed Fox News Channel really exits, the other 8 believe I was playing a DVR of a fictitious channel
  • 5 said they would never be able to watch TV again, 4 said there life no longer had meaning
  • 6 will require professional de-programming

Frank Luntz, call me!








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