The Clown Car Update for August 14, 2022

Well, it was infrastructure week at Mar-A-Lago this week. That is, the infrastructure at Mar-A-Lago received a going-over by a team of FBI agents looking for evidence of a crime there. As has been noted many times this week on cable news, the FBI would have needed probable cause that there was evidence of a crime there, and what better proof than the fact that a criminal lives there? Anyway, the biggest question being asked this week is what was at Mar-A-Lago that would prompt such a search? Well, our investigative reporters at the Clown Car update have exclusive information of some of the items that were confiscated. This list includes:

• Items from the secret meeting in Helsinki with Vladimir Putin included a video of Trump shitting himself and the shock collar Trump was given to wear at the news conference.

• Tapes of Donald Trump having sex with Stormy Daniels were used to torture terror suspects at Gitmo. Also included was a sex doll made to look like Ivanka.

• A box containing Ted Cruz’s balls.

• The real results of Trump’s physicals while in the White House including his actual weight of 506 pounds taken on a truck scale at an undisclosed location off Rt. 495.

• A box of coupons for 20% off a golden shower is good for any hooker in the Moscow or Saint Petersburg area.

• Video of Trump’s colonoscopy showing the removal of six polyps and Lindsey Graham.

• Several boxes of human spines are suspected to belong to Republican members of Congress.

• Nude photographs of Marjorie Taylor Green were used to scare off allegators around Mar-A-Lago.

• Rudy Giuliani’s lower plate. Also a gift card for Rudy to Jiffy-Lube.

• A computer with Donald Trump’s Google search history includes questions like “is a woman still considered your daughter if you are divorced from her mother?” and “Does that apply to Eric?” Also, “How many ex-wives can you legally bury at a golf course, and could that include ex-porn stars?”

• A 24 hour emergency hotline to KFC.

It is notable what was not found in the search at Mar-A-Lago. First, there was no evidence of Melania. Second, there was no evidence of the “Pee-Pee Tape,” which is still believed to be at the personal office of Vladimir Putin and three very wealthy Russian hookers.