Yes, the Secret Service may have thought they deleted their text messages from January 6. But The Clown Car Update forensic IT lab has recovered Secret Service Texts from the morning of January 6, 2020 and here they are exclusively on the Tim Corrimal Show. Warning to listeners: Some of the language may contain “gallows humor!”:
From USSS Director James M. Murray:
6:00 A.M.: “All agents should be aware of today’s itinerary for POTUS and Vice-POTUS, Tangerine Jesus, and Milk Dud. LOL! Anyway, the Orange Bozo wants strict radio silence all day, so we will communicate exclusively by text message or through QAnon. Remember that the POTUS will speak on the Ellipse at noon so plan for the riot to begin about one o’clock. For you agents assigned to drive The Albino and Mother Teresa to the Capitol, make sure to take the long way so he doesn’t see the platform being constructed. We don’t want to tip him off! Tell him there is a gay pride parade taking place on the regular route. I will text further instructions after Prima Donald finishes his morning dump and the air quality returns to normal.
7:30 A.M.: “Attention: All agents assigned to VP LGBBQ. Orange Julius wants his vice-poodle turned over to the rioters as soon as the vote count starts. You are to tell him they just want to have a group prayer meeting for his safety and that the rope is not for him. If Mother protests, flash the Chippendale calendar at her to knock her out. Further instructions to follow after the Bronze Burrito finishes licking the hash-browns from his little fingers.
From the agent assigned to Mike Pence to USSS Director:
10:00 A.M.: “White House, we have a problem. Milk Dud is getting very suspicious after hearing the hammering and nailing through his bedroom window. Also, he thinks he heard someone say ‘hang Mike Pence!’ We told him they were building a grandstand for Donnie Bratso’s speech, but he still was curious why there was a trap door and a cross beam.” Please advise.
10:05 A.M.: From USSS Director: “Just tell him they are planning to hang Hilary Clinton in effigy or it’s the door to hell for all those PRIDE marchers.”
10:10 P.M.: From Pence Detail: “OK. He bought it. We’re leaving for the Capitol.
2:0O P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Status check. Did you lure Trump’s Poodle into the carrier?
2:07 P.M.: Pence detail: “Negative. He didn’t go after the jar of mayo. Now he’s really suspicious. Please advise.
2:08 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Get him into the limo! POTUS wants him out of there, now!”
2:09 P.M.: Pence detail: “No go with the limo either!
2:10 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Throw a bible into the back seat and see if he follows.
2:11 P.M.: Pence detail: “He’s holding the door to the limo open with a bible of his own! He actually has a bigger bible!”
2:12 P.M.: From USSS director to Pence detail: “Abort! Oops! Do NOT say abort! I mean abandon the plan!”
2:20 P.M.: “OK. The Stepford Veep is in the safe room!”
2:30 P.M.: From USSS director to Trump detail: “Get the Tweet Creep home. No hanging today.
2:31 P.M.: From Trump detail: “He’s pissed! He’s yelling and screaming and, OMG! He just shit himself!” “Code Red!” Baby Fingers has his hands around the driver’s neck. He’s not really hurting him but those tiny fingers pinch. He keeps grabbing the wheel. Lord Lard wants us to take him to the hanging. Please advise!”
2:32 P.M.: From USSS director to Trump detail: “Throw him a chicken leg and diet Coke.”
2:35 P.M.: From Trump detail: “OK. That worked! Returning to Casa Loco!”
Upon returning to the White House, There was rumored to be one more text sent that day from someone “in the room where it happened.” Yes, Alexander Hamilton himself, texting from the grave asked Americans, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?”
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