As if this pandemic was not dangerous enough, Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has discovered a new and more deadly variant than either Omicron or Delta. As he testified to the Senate on Tuesday, he declared that the new virus infecting our country is Multiple Obnoxious Repulsive & Obstructive Nitwit Syndrome or M.O.R.O.N.S. The shocking revelation came just after Dr. Fauci was questioned about his federal finance disclosures by Sen. Roger Marshall of Kansas. As Dr. Fauci was concluding his response to the senator he could be heard telling a colleague about these M.O.R.O.N.S.
After the hearing, Dr. Fauci told reporters M.O.R.O.N.S. have already infiltrated the population to a degree he never anticipated. “Just this morning at the hearing I was exposed to two cases of M.O.R.O.N.S. right here in the Senate.” According to the famed immunologist, he positively identified two cases of M.O.R.O.N.S., Sen. Paul and Sen. Marshall. However, according to the doctor, this has spread far beyond those two examples. The Clown Car Update reached out to the Center For Disease Control and Prevention for more information. Here is what we were told by a spokesperson for the CDC:
“We have determined that M.O.R.O.N.S. can be encountered anywhere and is more prevalent than any variant discovered so far. The public should be aware that they can encounter M.O.R.O.N.S. anywhere. We have seen cases of M.O.R.O.N.S. at school board meetings, town halls, Trump rallies, and most recently, as Dr. Fauci indicated, in Congress. The CDC recommends avoiding contact with M.O.R.O.N.S. if at all possible. However, if you absolutely have to go somewhere where there may be M.O.R.O.N.S., take precautions like wearing protective ear-coverings, preferably noise-canceling earplugs if available.”
The CDC spokesperson told the Clown Car Update that M.O.R.O.N.S. is most prevalent in some southern states like Florida and Texas where M.O.R.O.N.S. has even infected the governors’ offices. But there are other states like South Dakota that also have high-ranking M.O.R.O.N.S. Symptoms include Rand’s Palsy, Marjorie Taylor Gangrene, and Mitch Itch.
The CDC expects to have a rapid M.O.R.O.N.S. test available in the next few weeks and encourage the most vulnerable to get tested. Among the most susceptible are members of the Republican party and anyone who has an underlying problem like being a Fox News personality. The test will be an easy swab inserted far into your ear canal to see if any grey matter is present. If grey matter is absent, you have run into M.O.R.O.N.S.
If you do run into M.O.R.O.N.S., especially in your family or with any of your friends or co-workers, it is best to avoid all social contact. The CDC recommends unfriending any Facebook M.O.R.O.N.S. you may have following you. Unfortunately, the major pharmaceutical companies do not expect to be able to develop a vaccine for this particular variant. As we were told by a spokesperson for Pfizer, “there is just no cure because in the Republican party there will always be M.O.R.O.N.S.!”
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