The Clown Car Update for January 9, 2022

Posted: January 11, 2022 in New Post

Do you want to run for Congress but cannot spell “Congress?” Have you ever had a DUI, or been charged with sex trafficking, domestic abuse, disorderly conduct, weapons violations, or rioting at the Capitol Building? Have you ever given birth in a pickup truck? Are you about to be evicted from your trailer park because of that meth lab explosion? Well, just hitch that home of yours to your F-150 and drive right down to Washington, D.C. because the Republican party wants you to run for office!

That’s right, the GOP (Gross Old Pricks) are currently recruiting lowlifes like you to run for important offices at the local, state, and federal level in 2022 so we can take back our country and run it like that ID theft scam that landed you a ten-year prison sentence.

“Why,” you may ask, “would you want me to run for office?” Simple. The Gross Old Pricks are looking for candidates who have no moral principles, complete disregard for the law, and most importantly, are willing to repeat everything Donald Trump says word for word. And don’t worry, we will help you every step of the way from expunging your criminal record to providing dark money funding and cocaine from Don Jr’s private stash! All we require is that you do or say anything that Trump asks and have your parole end before election day. That’s it!

Our party provides benefits that you will never find with any other organization. Perks like:

  • A fake GED
  • Free office space in the very building you ransacked last year
  • A great dental plan you probably desperately need
  • Regular appearances on OAN, Newsmax, and Fox News
  • A choice of any of Jim Jordan’s unused suit jackets
  • Free gerrymandering of your congressional district
  • Plausible deniability
  • You own personal bail bondsman
  • Hush money and NDA’s
  • The best criminal lawyers politics has to offer
  • Up to ten personal days for arraignments
  • And much, much more!

And if a Federal level office is not an option for you because the judge ordered you to not leave your state, there are plenty of ankle-bracelet-ready offices at the state and local level. Run as a Prick for school director and vote to burn history books. Or run as a Prick for state legislator and turn your congressional district map into a Rorschach test. The Gross Old Pricks have plenty of opportunities for you and your friends to actually put into law the ideas you came up with while you were retching into a bucket at the “Sit On It and Spin Bar & Grill!”

So let 2022 be the year you stop taking dead-end jobs through your work release program and use your recidivistic talents to destroy what is left of our democracy. This year, stop being sentenced by judges and start appointing them. Make 2022 the year you come to the Republican party and become a Gross Old Prick!

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