The Clown Car Update for January 2, 2022

Posted: January 6, 2022 in New Post

t’s 2022 and the new year brings new opportunities for Donald Trump’s minions to provide us with endless entertainment. We at the Clown Car can hardly wait to hear the latest dates for Trump’s reinstatement with Vice President John F. Kennedy, Jr. But there is no need to wait around Dealey Plaza to see what adventures await us in the predictions of Q.  Move over Nostradamus because here at the Clown Car Update we have our own crystal ball and it is telling us that 2022 looks to be a Q-tastic year! Here are a few of many predictions it has revealed:

Marjorie Taylor Greene will have a thought and have to be rushed to Walter Reed to be treated for shock. Doctors in attendance will assure her fans that from time to time, even thoughtless people will have a random thought enter their head and it is nothing to worry about. Doctors will release her, confident that she will never have another thought in her head.

Steve Bannon will go missing for several days before investigators discover his rancid corpse rolled up in a heap in a field a few miles from his home. From the forensic evidence, it will be concluded that he was rolled there by a swarm of dung beetles and abandoned as inedible.

Donald Trump Jr. will have to have nose reconstruction surgery after inhaling what he thought to be a pile of cocaine left on a bench in a park near his home but turned out to be a bag of Draino left there by a plumber working nearby. His surgeon will have to delay surgery until they clean up all the crap the Draino loosened from his head.

Lauren Boebert will team up with the WeatherTech car mat company to endorse a new line of birthing seat covers and floor mats for pickup trucks. They will come with blue and pink road flares to announce the sex of your newborn.

Matt Gaetz’s recent marriage will come to an abrupt end when his wife comes home and finds him in bed with a naked girl scout and fifty boxes of Thin Mints.

Ron Johnson will claim that COVID can be cured by swallowing Mahjong tiles dipped in Listerine. His claim will be based on the fact that both Mahjong and COVID started in China.  

Rand Paul will be forced to close his medical practice after it is revealed that his medical license was actually cut out from the back of a cereal box. He will first deny the reports and later blame Anthony Fauci for the error and demand his resignation.

Eric Trump will confuse Dr. Oz with the Wizard of Oz and ask for a brain.

Rudy Giuliani will write a tell-all book about Donald Trump’s attempts to overturn the election. The book, entitled “A Golden Shower of Lies,” will be available exclusively at Fantasy Island Adult Book Store next to Four Seasons Landscaping in downtown Philadelphia. Rudy himself will be there for a book signing and a free gift of “Just for Men” hair coloring.

Scientists, in an effort to offset the dangers of Artificial Intelligence, will announce the beginning of research on Artificial Stupidity modeled after the brain synapses of Louie Gohmert.

Fox News will fire Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Laura Ingraham for lying to its viewers. Just kidding!

When I asked our crystal ball if the Trump Cult will finally see the light in 2022, it laughed so hard it cracked. Oh well, Happy New Year!

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