The Clown Car Update for December 19, 2021

Posted: December 22, 2021 in New Post

On Tuesday the House Special Committee gave us all an early Christmas surprise wrapped up in a Fox News gift bag when it announced it would seek criminal contempt charges against former Trump Chief of Staff Mark Meadows for defying their subpoena. In doing so, Liz Cheney read some frantic text messages sent to Meadows while the assault was going on. Surprisingly, they came from some of Trump’s most prominent ass-pimples including Fox News personalities and the man whose stupid gene was so powerful it broke through a condom, Don Jr. While these revelations set the news cycle on fire like a Fox News Christmas tree, there were messages that only the Clown Car Update was able to obtain. So here are some of the texts we uncovered that Liz Cheney never mentioned:

Rand Paul: “I think my neighbor is in that crowd! Can you please convince Mr. Trump to stop the assault? I just shit my pants and all my spare underwear are in my office!”

Laura Ingraham: “It’s going to take eleven months to convince my audience this never really happened!”

Matt Gaetz: “This is really great but can you have the president stop the assault by three o’clock? I have to pick up my date at school.”

Marjorie Taylor Greene: “This is great, just like at the gym back home but can you tell the prez I can only have sex with one of these guys at a time!”

Tucker Carlson: “I hope someone is in there collecting names and email addresses for our next Klan fundraiser!”

Don Jr.: “Please tell my Dad to stop this attack. My dealer is in there and left my next batch of cocaine in Pelosi’s office!”

Louie Gohmert: “Hey I’m more confused than usual. Are these people here for my asparagus recipes?”

Mitch McConnell: “Send someone here quick! I flipped on my shell and I can’t run!”

Ted Cruz: “Goddammit! I’m going to miss my flight to Cancun!”

Paul Gosar: “I don’t see why everyone is getting excited. This gang is a lot friendlier than my family!”

Ron Johnson: “They are smearing feces all over the walls. Starting to smell like Steve Bannon. No worries, I have some Listerine.”

Steve Bannon: “I love the smell of feces! It smells like victory! Also, my bathroom.”

Of course, Liz Cheney didn’t read all the messages she had for Trump. There is one, in particular, she is saving for when the committee’s investigation is concluded. It reads, “You are all going to prison. Merry Christmas!”

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