The Clown Car Update for August 29, 2021

The speed with which the takeover happened is breathtaking. The scene on the ground has been absolute chaos. As the government is moving against its own citizens, people are frantically trying to get out. The streets are full of people who want to escape the oppression of their government. The highways are jammed. And the mobs at the airport are heartbreaking as at-risk families try desperately to get the next flight out. The children are fearful for their lives as the deadline for getting to safety approaches. And the pleas to Washington to do more to help these refugees are getting more frantic. Yes, this is the situation in Florida as the new school year approaches under the rule of Ron DeSantis, the Emperor Nero of the Sunshine State.

Governor DeSantis, or as the resistance movement in Florida calls him, Gov. DeathSentence, doubled and tripled down this week on his executive orders as his state reached the highest infection rates than at any time during the pandemic began. And while all this is happening, he is fiddling away to his knuckle dragging base as the world watches Florida burn to the ground. But the Clown Car Update has learned that Gov. DeathSentence is not stopping there. Leaked documents that were thoroughly sanitized with Purell before we touched them indicate further restrictions on safety mandates are planned. Here are some of the school safety protocols he is planning to roll back in the name of freedumb!

• Schools will no longer be able to require fire extinguishers. The governor wants every parent to decide if they want a fire extinguished if it breaks out in a school facility. In a draft statement, the governor will say, “We want the parents to be free to assess the situation and decide for themselves what, if any, measures are to be taken for the safety of their children.”

• Crossing guards will no longer be able to tell students when it is or is not safe to cross the street. It is imperative that freedom of parents to let their children cross whenever they want, preserving individual choice. In addition, it will be an important life lesson for how to dodge traffic as adults, if they get that far.

• In line with the elimination of crossing guards, school districts will be banned from imposing speed limits in school zones. Drivers will be free of excessive restrictions on their time from government interference so they can speed to their destination without local officials telling them how fast they can drive past crossing students.

• Food standards in school cafeterias will be eliminated, allowing parents to decide what their child can and cannot eat or drink. In line with this executive order, fast food, sugary drinks, candy, cigarettes and alcoholic beverages will be offered as a freedom alternative.

• State inspection of school buses will be eliminated as well as mandatorly background checks for drivers so that parents can decide on the safety standards of the vehicles their children ride on. The governor is expected to encourage parents to “go kick the tires yourself, or take it for a spin with your kids and fifty of their friends!”

If all these proposed executive actions have you concerned about the fate of the people of Florida, you can do your part by sponsoring a refugee fleeing from the American Taliban. Or simply donate to clowncarrefugeefund.what? Or if you can’t do anything, don’t worry because according to the latest climate data, the entire state will be underwater before the school year is over!