The Clown Car Update for August 8, 2021

Posted: August 8, 2021 in New Post

According to a report by Right Wing Watch, Sarah Palin is praying. She is praying that America is not taken away from God as the founders intended. She is praying that America stops its shift to the left. And most of all, she is praying to God to see if he wants her to run for the Senate seat in Alaska. Well, the Clown Car Update took the liberty to text God on this latest threat from the Killa’ from Wasilla, and he sent us a copy of a letter he wrote to Sarah in response to her prayers:

Dear Ms. Palin,

Admittedly I have been distracted lately and many important details have slipped through my omnipotence. After Barack Obama was elected in 2010, I sort of relaxed and took my eye off your little blue ball for a bit and it ended up costing me. For one thing, I messed up on that Tea Party nonsense in 2010 and then I was side-swiped by seeing John Boehner become the Speaker of the House. At the urging of the Archangel Caucus here, I woke up long enough to prevent a Mormon from becoming president. THAT was a close one. First, I created eels to be slippery, but not Mitt Romney. He became that all on his own. Oh, and by the way, you might tell the the world I really don’t care about Mormon underwear or that My Pillow Guy either. Spoiler Alert: He’s headed to the other place!

After 2012 I admittedly took a few years off and sure enough, that Trump slime-ball slipped past my robe and beard. So forgive me, but I really have had my hands full undoing that divine mishap from the last four years. I did everything I could to get rid of that asswipe but my son warned me that Mueller was never going to pan out. So crucify me, already! I briefly thought of hitting that pile of dinosaur dung with a bolt of lightning when he held up that bible, but everyone thought it would be too flashy so I took the traditional route and sent a plague. So sorry about all the inconvenience and all, but, hey, give me credit, it worked and Netflix stock went through the roof!

Well, just as my man Joe Biden is president and all is going great with the Universe again – (I still have to deal with that Greene and Gaetz duo but a few well placed herpes viruses should take care of them) – I get this text message that you are waiting for me to tell you to run for the Senate?!? Let me be divinely clear: I never wanted you to exist in the first place, let alone run for anything! My best hope for you was that you would be trampled on by a moose after slugging a fifth of Jack Daniels and passing out in a wildlife preserve. But NO! After all I did for John McCain he double crossed me and put you on the ticket! That was the biggest breach of my instructions since Lot’s wife just HAD to look back at Sodom one more time. Pass the salt, please. So then I had to destroy the entire economy to get rid of you. That’s right, I crashed the housing market to prevent you from ever running again. And to make sure your political career was dead forever, I got you a gig on the closest thing to Hell that is on earth, Fox News.

So my message to your should be clear. NO! I do not want you to run for Senate. What I WANT is for one of the Robertson clan to mistake you for a duck! And just to make myself clear, be warned: If you do, I will see to it that Bristol ends up on Dancing With the Stars with Sean Spicer who gets her pregnant during rehearsal, may I be my witness! Stick that up your gotcha and smoke it!

May I Bless You,

P.S. Suck it up, cupcake!

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