GaetzGate! It’s in the news and in your nose because like Matt Gaetz himself, it stinks. For those who may have not been paying attention, Matt Gaetz, the congressman voted People Magazine’s most slap-able face on the planet, has been accused of sex trafficking. And yes of course, he is a Republican, the party of family values. Or should we say, the family of partying values? In any event, Matt has been exploring new employment ideas one of which is an advice column. Now here at the Clown Car Update we believe in due process even in the case of rat-fuckers like old Matty boy. So to give the guy a chance, here are some samples of his “Advice for Dating” column now running on your local 4Chan network:
Dear Matt,
Recently I was elected to Congress from Georgia’s 14th Congressional District. Before that, I was a gym rat who would have sex with anything that walked, crawled, or slithered into the gym. Now that I’m in Congress, no one seems to want to have sex with me. Even Kevin McCarthy made me take a shower just to shake his hand at my swearing-in. I’m getting desperate enough that I have thought of gunning someone down with my AR-15 just to jump his dead bones! HELP!
Majorie Taylor Blue in DC
Dear Blue in DC,
I, too, have had trouble getting dates in DC since my election. It’s all the fault of Antifa and the Black Lives Matter movement. It’s called “cancel culture” and these radicals are trying to cancel our sex lives. The good news is that, for a price, I have a guy in Florida who can arrange for a hook-up. Send me your information about your age preference and I will see what he can do. Allow four to six weeks for a response as he is in federal prison awaiting trial.
Matty
Dear Matt,
I really need your help. Recently I was filmed in a hotel room lying on a bed fixing my junk. It was a frame-up since I was really looking for the hair dye I accidentally dropped down my pants. Also, my lower plate is loose from all the screaming I did about Dominion voting machines. Should I sue?
Leaking in Philadelphia
Dear Leaking,
Maybe you should check your inbox or a newspaper before suing Dominion. Also, I have to check my junk every day for FBI bugs, so I know the feeling.
Matty
Dear Matt,
I am a white, white, male approaching 60. My wife insists on nothing but the missionary position. Plus, she insists I call her “mother!” And forget oral sex, the closest we ever come is when she gargles before bed. I heard you have some contacts in the local high schools. Can you fix me up?
No BJ’s in Indiana
Dear No BJ’s,
Hey, have you ever heard of Marjorie Taylor Green?
Dear Matt,
It seems the more I try, the more everyone hates me. My wife hates me because I let the president call her ugly. My father hates me because I let the president call him an assassin. My kids hate me because I blamed them for leaving Texas during the power outage. How can I get people to like me?
Despised in Cancun
Dear Despised,
Truth is, even I hate you! The best advice I can give you is to go to the nearest Metro station and lay on the tracks.
Matty
Dear Matt,
I’m seventeen years old and would like to go to the Bahamas this weekend. Where can I find a date?
Waiting in Homeroom
Dear Homeroom,
First, I told you never to use this column to contact me. Give me a minute to get plane tickets and I’ll meet you at the airport. Do you still take Apple Pay?
Matty
Unfortunately, right after that last letter Mr. Gaetz was taken into custody. at Reagan International Airport. But not to worry, Matt expects to be back writing his column as soon as he raises bail with a fundraiser. Because as Matt’s girlfriends say, “with a face like his, you need all the money you can get!”
The Poorly Written Political Blog 