The Clown Car Update for August 9, 2020

Posted: August 9, 2020 in New Post

Recently, a group of who we can loosely call “physicians” and calling themselves America’s Frontline Doctors held a gathering on the steps of the Supreme Court at the “White Coat Summit,” the purpose of which was to dispute the medical consensus on the novel coronavirus. The event was organized by the right-wing group Tea Party Patriots, which is backed by wealthy Republican donors. The highlighted speaker, Stella Immanuel, an alleged pediatrician, declared that wearing a mask is not necessary and that Hydroxychloroquine was a miracle cure for COVID-19. Needless to say, Stella soon replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci as Donald Trump’s go-to doctor. The problem, however, is that Stella has some other, shall we say, odd beliefs that would make you think twice before letting her poke your kid with a syringe.

Among Stella’s beliefs are that our medicine is made from alien DNA, and gynecological problems like cysts and endometriosis are in fact caused by people having sex in their dreams with demons and witches.  But Old Trumpy just fell in love with Stella and declared, “I thought she was very impressive,” and “I thought her voice was an important voice, but I know nothing about her.” Of course, he said the same thing about Stormy Daniels.

But here at the Clown Car we always endeavor to cater to even the most exotic tastes and do not want any of our readers, much less those that are part of the Trump Family Cult, to miss out on important information. Therefore, together with Dr. Stella Immnuel, we are proud to offer our own alien DNA testing service for Trumpers, Now for a limited time, you can have Dr. Stella examine your saliva and see what planet you came from and what your tendencies may be. We offer three packages depending on how detailed you would like your report. For example:

Basic Ancestry with Traits: For example, for a low, low price of $99 we offer to trace your DNA all the way back to the planet you came from. For example, if your ancestors are from Planet Gohmert Minor we will find your ancestry and give you the common traits for Planet Gohmert such as genetic disposition to excessive drooling, non-critical thinking, and mind-twisting stupidity. Incidentally, in case you are related to Louis Gohmert, we offer specific instructions on where to find your mouth.

Health Plus Ancestry Service: For $199 this package includes everything in the basic package plus health tendencies. This includes your genetic probability of producing genetically deficient offspring (think Eric) or developing serious chronic conditions such as orange skin syndrome, Whopper Gut, and Penguin Posture.

VIP Health plus Ancestry Service: With this service at $499 you get two kits and a trip back to whatever alien world Trump cultists come from. Also included is an extra kit so you can test another deplorable along with you! Yes, now you can share the DNA with a family member, friend, or a member of your Klan. Hell, get a bunch of these kits and take the entire basket of deplorables back to wherever you came from. You can then enjoy the very swamp world where your defective DNA was sprouted.

And remember, while offers the finest quality control and backs up the results with a 100% guarantee, we caution everyone that your results may be disappointing but as Trump says, it is what it is!

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