Another week, another stretch of bad news about the coronavirus. It’s spreading faster than tanning spray in Trump’s face. No one is sure where it will end and a vaccine is said to be twelve to eighteen months away. This is making Trump more nervous than Jeff Sessions at a Black Lives Matter rally. And, since he knows nothing about science, he thought a vaccine could be whipped up as fast as a pissing hooker in a Moscow hotel. Well, the experts told him, not so fast. But don’t despair, Mr. President, we have the solution for you. Welcome to Vaccines-R-Us, a for-big-profits organization dedicated to the fast and easy development for vaccines for anything from black plague to blackheads.
How do we do it? Simple. We don’t test, we are not approved by the FDA, and we don’t use time-consuming scientific methods. Instead, we just take a stab at a formula that might be used to stop the pandemic and hope for the best. First, we obtain a blood sample from a victim, in this case, someone with Covid-19. Then, we add some Purell, bleach, and common rubbing alcohol and BINGO! we have a vaccine. Just pop out your veins, America, we are ready to shoot.
And the best part of all, we do no animal testing. All our tests are done on human victims. And our costs are kept low by constantly moving our mobile facility to undisclosed locations. And our researchers are carefully chosen from malpractice courts around the country and paid minimum wage. This way we can pass the savings and a quick cure on to the government in record time!
You’ve seen our ads on Fox News and InfoWars, and now we are ready to help America and our president in a crisis. So just call us on a burner phone, Mr. Trump and we will fix you up with a vaccine for anything you want. Unfortunately, there is no vaccine to prevent what is going to happen to you on Election Day.
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