The Clown Car Update for May 6, 2018

Posted: May 6, 2018 in New Post

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Last Wednesday night the residents of Fox Nation were shocked to hear Rudy Guiliani, former New York mayor, and current American Dental Association poster-boy for poor dental hygiene, break the news to them of what all Americans with most of their teeth already knew: Donald Trump is a liar. Yes, Trump, through his attorney and favorite cuck, Michael Cohen, actually paid Stormy Daniels to keep quiet about their affair, something most women who had sex with Trump would be happy to do for free. But as always, Rudy made other claims on various Fox News shows that were destroyed before they aired. But as always, the Clown Car Update got the tapes and they are bombshells.

Tupac Shakur and the Notorious B.I.G. murders:

Rudy claimed on “Justice with Judge Janine” that it was Donald J. Trump who authorized Michael Cohen to arrange the drive-by shootings of both hip-hop artists but said that both were perfectly legal because he never really knew if Michael actually arranged those particular murders.  According to Rudy, Donald gave Cohen a retainer fee every month to take care of such things as killing hip-hop artists and paying off porn stars he may have slept with. Rudy explained that such arrangements are routine with lawyers and he had similar arrangements with his clients. In fact, he is working on a “case” for Kanye West right now concerning Charlamagne Tha God.

Tylenol Poisonings

In late September/early October 1982, seven Chicago-area people died from popping Tylenol pills laced with cyanide. On “Fox and Friends” this week, Rudy Guiliani said he can now reveal new facts in the case. According to Rudy, Donald Trump was planning to market his own pain reliever under the brand name “Trumpinol.” Knowing that Tylenol had a corner on the market, Trump paid a then sixteen-year-old Michael Cohen to lace some bottles of Tylenol with cyanide at a drug store where he worked part-time as a stocking clerk.  Trump funneled the money through a mail slot in the door of a Rite-Aid. Rudy explained that this was all perfectly legal because it was an official U.S. Postal Service mail slot. Also, it is common practice for lawyers for famous or wealthy people to hire young high-school kids to poison people and as a matter of fact, Rudy is working on a similar case for Kim Kardashian.

The Nicole Brown/Ron Goldman Double Murder

I know what you are thinking, we know who did this one. But do you? Well, in an interview on Sean Hannity’s radio show, Rudy explained what really happened and laid some facts on Sean. As Guiliani explained, it was a simple real estate deal and that was it. He was arranging to buy O.J. Simpson’s house for some Russian oligarch and things just got crazy.  Apparently, Nicole was holding out for more money. Trump funneled money to a then young personal injury attorney Michael Cohen who Trump knew from his Tylenol poisoning days. Trump had been sending Cohen thirty-five thousand dollars since the Tylenol misunderstanding to keep him quiet and as a retainer. Well, Donald told Michael to take care of things at the Simpson home. Trump was unaware of what Michael Cohen did. All Trump was told was that he left a pair of gloves at the scene. All totally innocent, Rudy said. In fact, he took care of things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he is working on a similar case for Donald Jr against his wife in the divorce case. Stay tuned on that one.

The Kennedy Assassination

This was the strangest admission of all. On the Tucker Carlson Show, Rudy revealed that a seventeen-year-old Donald Trump was sending periodic retainers of thirty-five thousand dollars to Michael Cohen’s mother in anticipation that she would give birth to him three years after the assassination. It was all for perfectly legitimate opposition research on Rafael Cruz, the father of Ted Cruz. Trump paid Mrs. Cohen to take pictures of Raphael Cruz having breakfast with Lee Harvey Oswald. According to Guiliani, this is all legitimate oppo research, unlike the kind that was done by crooked Hillary. Rudy said he did things like this all the time for clients. In fact, he has worked on similar oppo research for U.S. Grant who claims his opponent Horatio Seymour’s father was involved in the Lincoln assassination.

These are only a few of the stunning revelations Rudy Guiliani made in his attempt to distance Donald Trump from some of the more salacious charges lodged against him. However, there still remain questions about some of Trump’s most notorious crimes, not the least of which was fathering Eric.

 

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