The Clown Car Update for April 22, 2018

Posted: April 22, 2018 in New Post


Thursday night, under pressure from the House Intelligence Committee, the Department of Justice released the famous “Comey Memos”. And without taking their lips off Trump’s ass for even a breath of air the republican’s on the committee were leaking faster than a Russian hooker.  The memos were heavily redacted and left out some “juicy” details to the imagination. Let’s just say they whet your appetite. Well, imagine no more because the Clown Car Update team has obtained the unredacted versions of the memos and they are real pissers. I would like to caution our readers that these memos are not office or child appropriate, so take appropriate measures and put on your golden shower caps!

Memo #1:

January 6, 2017

I executed the meeting just as I had planned. I told him I wanted to speak to him about a report written by Christopher Steele and paid for by [Mike Pence] and that the report was [uploaded by mistake to a popular porn site]. In the report, Mr. Steele claimed that the Russians had a videotape of him in a Moscow hotel room with five hookers.  On the tape, [the hookers peed on his mattress while Stormy Daniels spanked him in his underwear.]  I told him there were a lot of other allegations, but he seemed most interested in the tape. He asked me if [you could see him clearly or was there wiggle room for him to deny this to Melania].  I told him that I hadn’t seen the tape myself but the entire Intelligence Community and Sen. John McCain have [been using it at office parties since last July]. I told him I wasn’t saying that the tapes were authentic but he seemed obsessed with one aspect of them asking several times [did my penis look like I had shrinkage?]. We agreed to discuss this further in [Scott Pruitt’s soundproof booth]

Memo #2

January 28, 2017

I had dinner with the president in [Pruitt’s soundproof booth] at 6:30 PM. There were two servers who I had a chance to chat with. They were retired Navy submariners and we had a fun discussion about [Trump’s tiny hands].  The president talked non-stop about a number of topics then brought up the dossier. He said he wanted me to investigate the peepee tape because there was a [99%] chance Melania would absolutely believe he would do such a thing. Also, he asked me if I could investigate the incident and  [remove any DNA evidence from bedsheets].  I said that would not be a good idea so he asked if I would at least consider [taking a look at the sheets and give him any stain removal tips]. I declined and we finished dinner. He suggested that my family come for dinner sometime. He thought maybe then [he might ask my wife how to get the stains out]. We shook hands and I used hand sanitizer when I got into my car.

Memo #3

February 8, 2017

I went to the White House for a 4 PM “meet and greet” with Reince Priebus. As I sat there waiting in the West Wing lobby, Mike Flynn stopped by and sat down and we chatted about [how an orange clown like Trump could ever get elected]. There was no mention by either of us about [the time we watched the peepee tape together]. Then Rience’s assistant took me into the Chief of Staff’s office.  We discussed a variety of subjects including how the [hell a nitwit like Trump] ended up in the [White House]. He then asked me if I could assure him that [he could maybe get a copy of the peepee tape] so he could [have some job security]. I said that would have to go through proper channels, specifically the [Kremlin]. Before I left Reince took me in to say hello to the president. He was speaking with Sean Spicer who was introduced as the White House [Easter Bunny].  The president then brought up the “golden shower” thing and once again asked if I could find out [how to get pee stains out of a bedsheet]. I said I could not and departed.

*Publication of these memos has been cleared by our legal department using the Sean Hannity method which is throwing ten bucks at a lawyer we met in a bar so all this is covered by attorney-client privilege.




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