The Clown Car Update for March 11, 2018

Posted: March 11, 2018 in New Post


The past few weeks have seen some high profile departures from the White House including Gary Cohn, Rob Porter, and possibly Melania. Reports have indicated that they are having problems filling positions, a rumor that Trump denies. But the Clown Car has learned that the White House has turned to a professional staffing company that is tailored to the president’s tastes. So welcome to Donald Trump’s “Zipper Recruiter” offering opportunities to work with the president, mostly under the table. Here are some opportunities you may be interested in:

Primary Purpose:  To coördinate the usage of the President’s staff.
Nature of the Work: Reporting directly to the Assistant to the President for Affairs. You and will ensure that the president’s staff is ready at a moments notice in case of Stormy day. Although the president’s staff is very small, it requires constant stroking to keep it up and running.
Job Requirements: Extensive experience in using magnifying equipment and use of tweezers is essential. A degree in microbiology is helpful, but not necessary. Must have soft hands.
Salary: Tips only.

Assistant to the President for Affairs:
Primary Purpose: Arrange and supervise the president’s affairs.
Nature of the Work: Works directly with the Chief-of-the-Staff to coördinate Mr. Trump’s affairs. The job requires driving a golf cart and ensuring that no DNA evidence is left behind on the bed after the president’s visit. Must be willing to tell “white lies” to Melania and hide details of affairs from the special prosecutor.
Job Requirements: Must possess a passport for possible travel to Russia or Slovenia in the event the president requires a new wife.
Salary:  Fifty thousand Rubles per year and one case of Trump Vodka.

Ultraviolet Wand Intern
Primary Purpose:  This is a temporary one year position learning the use of an ultraviolet wand to search for DNA evidence.  Works directly with the Assistant to the President for Affairs in cleanup operations.
Job Requirements:  Must supply your own rubber gloves and breathing filters.
Salary: There is no remuneration for this position but think of the book deals!

Porn Star
Primary Purpose:  To provide sexual favors to Mr. Trump in the event the president’s wife has another child or turns forty.
Job Requirements:  Must have a large bladder and be a self-starter. Will work directly under the president in many positions, but mainly as a missionary.  May be asked to take pictures of his junk and must be willing to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Salary:  Compensation is on a job by job basis along with a tiny tip.

Non-Disclosure Strategist
Primary Purpose:  To come up with fake names to put in non-disclosure agreements between the president and porn stars.  Past names have been Dick Redd, P.P. TIny, and Dick Hurtz.
Job Requirements:  Must be creative and be able to pay out of pocket expenses such as hush money and setting up fake shell companies. Speaking of shells, you must be a shell of a human being to work in this job.
Salary:  In-kind reimbursement, but don’t count on it.

Now that is just a sampling of the many openings now available in the Trump White House. If you don’t see anything you like, keep in mind that openings are developing every day as more and more staff are indicted. Go to and if you work at this White House for six months or more, you will receive guaranteed federal housing for between ten and thirty years underwritten by the Office of the Special Council. So whether you are an out of work stripper or just enjoy a golden shower now and then, do what hundreds of porn stars and Playboy Bunnies have done and check out Trump’s “Zipper”!


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