The Clown Car Update for March 4, 2018

Posted: March 5, 2018 in New Post

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On Monday, the Bone-Spur-In-Chief boldly proclaimed that if he were at the Parkland school he would have ended the incident himself.  “I really believe I’d run in, even if I didn’t have a weapon,” he said, safely behind a podium a thousand miles and twelve days from the tragedy. But if we go by his history, anything from an American Eagle to a very loud Coke can have him clinging like stink to a turd. So the Clown Car submitted some questions to Captain Courageous asking what he would have done in certain famous battles in history. Here are his responses:

The Barbary Wars (1801 – 1815)

Somebody just told me that this was a war with Muslims, which I would love to have but at first I read this wrong. I thought it was Bribery Wars, which I am an expert at. Believe me! Believe me!

Battle of the Alamo (February 23 – March 6, 1836)

If I was there this battle would have never happened because I never use Alamo rental cars anyway.  I have my own limo and it’s the biggest limo ever. Also, the Mexicans would never have won if my wall was there so Congress should do the right thing and build the wall. Also, Commander David Bowie would still be alive making hit records.

Battle of Hampton Roads (March 8–9, 1862)

If the roads in the Hamptons are that bad, they should pass my infrastructure bill right away.

Battle of Little Big Horn (June 25–26, 1876)

The same Indians who ambushed Gen. Custer ambushed me in 1993 when they pushed into my casino business. I lost like Custer and now everywhere you go there is a Mohegan Sun and they call me Little Tiny Horn. Ask Melania, that is not true and I think I will sue them as soon as I settle this Russian hoax.

Wounded Knee Massacre (December 29, 1890)

A wounded knee prevented me from serving in Vietnam…oh, and a bone spur! But If I went, I would have won the war all by myself and would never have been captured like John You-Know-Who who took away your great health care.

Battle of San Juan Hill (1 July 1898)

This was in the Spanish American War and that would have never happened if I was president because I would have kicked out all the Spanish before they started trouble. Build the wall!

Dolittle Raid (April 18, 1942)

Everyone knows that this was an air raid on Tokyo, but if I was there I would have followed orders and like the name says I would do little, just like I did in Vietnam.

Invasion of Normandy (June 6, 1944)

If I was there, I would have been the first to land, believe me! While everyone was going to Utah Beach or Omaha Beach I would have been in Miami Beach avoiding syphilis and gonorrhea like a brave soldier. I would have won all the medals and ribbons and got laid a lot.

Battle of the Buldge (16 December 1944 – 25 January 1945)

I would have been the best general in this battle because it was on the Western Front and honestly, I fight this battle every day because of my front. But my doctor says I am the fittest president ever and I have the biggest bulge where it counts. Believe me! Believe me!

Tet Offensive (January 30, 1968)

I love big tets and I would have been all over them them. If you don’t believe me, ask Stormy Daniels!

Battle of Hamburger Hill (May 10–20, 1969)

I eat a hamburger hill with large fries every night while I watch Fox News so this one I could handle alone!  And when I was finished it would be renamed it Big Mac Hill after the great American Gen. Ronald Macarthur.

It should be noted that for his imaginary bravery in the face of fake danger, Andy Borowitz reported in The New Yorker on Monday’s “The Borowitz Report” that,

Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.

Also, Trump has been awarded The Russian Federation Golden Shower of Valor, The Extra-Marital Affairs Award, The Purple Penis, and very soon will be given the Robert Mueller Major Indictment Recommendation. That one is for real!

 

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