The Clown Car Update for February 18, 2018

Posted: February 19, 2018 in New Post


This week the Trump administration introduced its new budget which included a revision to the current Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) program. The new proposal is to replace the current food stamp program with a pre-packaged food distribution system sent directly to the recipients. Rick Mulvaney, the Marie Osmond of the White House budget office says it would work like Blue Apron, but you may even lose a little weight! You would receive a box with all the ingredients for a gourmet government meal. No more need to go to the supermarket and choose the food you want to eat. Instead, our experts at the Food and Drug Administration will scour the dumpsters of the best restaurants in the country to bring you what they think you deserve. So move over Blue Apron, here comes the new food supplement program. They call it “The Orange Middle Finger”.

The Clown Car has obtained an exclusive look at the preliminary menu for The Orange Middle Finger program:

The Breakfast Box: The kit includes,

  • One Egg (Whites only, of course)
  • A  Joni Ernst biscuit bag with some biscuit crumbs
  • Something that may have once been a slice of cheese
  • A secret sauce
  • Coffee grounds used maybe once

Directions: Beat the egg whites with the provided splinter of wood, cook over a medium trash can fire for two minutes, and melt the cheese slice over the egg. Don’t worry if the cheese slice does not melt right away because we don’t really know if it is cheese. Add the sauce, being careful not to get it on any exposed skin. If you do, seek medical attention immediately. If there is an actual biscuit in the bag, put the sandwich on it with the plastic gloves provided. If there was no biscuit, save the bag. It may come in handy a few minutes after the meal. The coffee may be brewed in the old filter the grounds are stuck to, or you may provide your own.

The Lunch Box: The kit includes,

  • Something meat
  • Beef or chicken gravy stuck to a paper plate
  • Instant potato powder with some black specks
  • A green and black vegetable
  • A juice box

Directions: Cook the meat thoroughly until everything that should not be on it burns off. Scrape the gravy off the plate and onto the meat after the meat is no longer moving. Mix the powdered potatoes with whatever liquid is available. TIP: You may use whatever is in the juice box. Heat the vegetables on the plate that had the gravy stuck to it and serve before it coagulates. If you didn’t use the juice box for the potatoes, drink with the non-corrosive straw only.

The Dinner Box: The kit includes,

  • Our choice meats collected only on American highways. Your choice of opossum, skunk, squirrel. Raccoon a dollar extra.
  • What we think is hollandaise sauce because it’s yellow
  • A lump of Au Gratin potatoes stuck to a piece of plastic
  • Asparagus (if it’s not wiggling)
  • A cigarette

Directions: Pre-heat an oven, if you have one, to 350°. Remove fur or tire fragments from the roast and bake until the internal temperature reaches 1000°.  While the roadkill is resting, heat the yellow sauce until all the lumps melt away. While the sauce is heating, pull the potatoes away from the plastic and heat along with the asparagus. Pour the yellow sauce over everything and enjoy! We recommend you smoke the cigarette within an hour of ingesting this meal.

So there’s a preview of what the Trump administration thinks our supplemental food program should look like in the future. No more food stamps, no more debit cards, and no more unnecessary trips to the supermarket. Instead, you can sit home on what John Kelly likes to call your lazy asses and get your boxed food delivered right to your door. And remember, Trump is always happy to give the poor “The Orange Middle Finger!”

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