The Clown Car Update for January 28, 2018

Posted: January 30, 2018 in New Post


Wisconsin is best known for cheese, which is made from sour milk. It is also known for Scott Walker and Paul Ryan, which were made from sour politicians. This week, we can add to that list Sen. Ron Johnson, a sour politician with a cheesy conspiracy theory. On Tuesday, Johnson took his X-File to Fox News or as you may know it, the SyFy Network, to reveal that Donald Trump is the victim of a vast conspiracy by forces inside the FBI to take him down. No, not the forces inside Donnie’s head that push his tiny fingers on Twitter. We are talking the “deep state”. Given the seriousness of the allegation, the Clown Car felt it our duty to investigate the “secret society” Johnson claimed was working its dark force. What we found will shock you.

We started by contacting Johnson’s office who instructed us to go to a dumpster behind Ping Pong Pizza and look for a pair of Ivanka Trump shoes. We were to look inside the shoes for instructions. Along with a note that read “Help, we are chained to a shoe factory in Bangladesh” was a note that read, “Go inside and ask for a “Stormy Daniels” pizza.

Inside, we found out that a “Stormy Danials” was a pizza with two large melons garnished with a tiny sausage. Under one of the melons were instructions to go to the men’s room and tell the attendant you were there for a number two. He led us to stall number two where instead of a commode were a set of stairs leading to the basement. At the bottom of the stairs, a man that looked like George Soros asked us for the passphrase, which was “Into titties”.  What we saw next was shocking!

The room was packed with FBI agents wearing “Hillary for America” tee-shirts and to hide their identity wore “Saul Alinsky” masks. On the wall was a floor to ceiling poster of Donald J. Trump. Each part of his body was marked with notations. The head read “Where a brain would normally be” and the area near the groin read simply “Missing genitalia”.  His hair had the instructions “Piss here”.

Each agent was working on a different project. One was developing a chocolate cake that made you fart from your mouth. Another was working on Diet Coke that made you constantly sniff and say “United Shates”. Off in a corner, Russian hookers were peeing on mattresses while a fat Donald stand-in kept saying, “Make America wet again!”  In the back of the room were three burly FBI agents loading crates of ice cream and ketchup that they claimed made you tweet stupid things in the middle of the night.

The Clown Car investigators were startled to find that everything Sen Johnson said was true. There is a secret society plotting the takedown of the president.  And as we left, we passed a door marked “Private: Special Prosecutor” and next to it a row of orange jumpsuits size triple-X.

Next week we follow a tip by congressman Steve King and visit an FBI lab where agents are producing creatures that are half human with calves the size of cantaloupes!

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