The Clown Car Update for January 21, 2018

Posted: January 21, 2018 in New Post

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On Friday, January 12, the mass of lard and body odour known as Donald Trump had his annual physical. As with everything else in the Trump cult, his physician, Dr Ronny Jackson was so impressed with the results that he could hardly contain himself. In case you missed his press conference on Tuesday, here is his glowing, over-the-top assessment:

Hello. I’m Dr Ronny Jackson and on this past Friday, I was given the privilege and honor, of giving a physical exam to what can only be described as the most perfect specimen medical science has ever documented.  We were aware of President Trump’s high IQ and stamina, but no one on the medical team expected what we witnessed. I will go through some of the details now and later I will take questions.

Vitals

The president’s temperature was 98.6 degrees, but believe me, the female members of the medical team in attendance thought he was much hotter! It must have been the split in the back of his hospital gown. He measured 75 inches but in my eyes, he is so much taller than that. At two hundred and thirty-nine pounds he is a hunka-hunka burnin’ love!

Urine

The president’s urine was clear. It came in three flavors:  peach and raspberry Snapple and diet Coke. An examination of the president’s urinary function found that he can pee a distance of over fifty feet, an incredible skill he developed during the Miss America Pagent in Moscow. He was born with an extra kidney so that in the unlikely event he needs one, he can actually donate his own kidney to himself.

Reproductive organs

We nicknamed it “The Whale”. Enough said. A microscopic examination of the president’s spermatozoa found the most athletic, intelligent, and best-looking sperm ever observed. The sample we examined were actually working on string theory forming math equations with their tails. They were orange tinged with color and one named Eric kept swimming in a circle.

Gastrointestinal exam

The medical team felt no need to perform a colonoscopy since there have been so many people crawling up the president’s ass the past year and no one reported a problem. Upon examination of stool  we enjoyed Ben and Jerry’s “Chunky Monkey” and Häagen-Dazs Brownie a la Mode.

Cardiopulmonary exam

The president had a big heart.  His heart rhythm was perfect, to which the president remarked: “not bad for a white guy.” There were no racist sentiments found. He has an unusual but efficient heart structure with no left and all right ventricles.

A cognitive screening exam was done and the president had a perfect score, the highest score possible. In the test, he easily distinguished images of a pig, a cow, a horse, and a Russian hooker.  He identified the biggest numbers and repeated the best words. He was able to draw three stick figures with large breasts counted down from two to one.  He is rated a stable genius.

In summery, the president is in excellent health and will reamin in excellent health for the remainder of the Twenty-First Century. We discussed some life style changes such as cutting down to six KFC buckets a day. The president also agreed to get more exercise and to that goal called Stormy Daniels.

After the press briefing, the Clown Car spoke with members of the medical team who agreed to talk off the record.  They all agreed that the information given to the public was basically horse shit and that Trump is nothing more than two hundred eighty pounds of animal fat with a mouth. One health provider who assisted with the exam said it took an hour to figure out where his stomach ended and his thighs began. One doctor said, “finding his genitalia under all those folds was impossible. Finally, we just had him pee and we followed the stream!” As far as a colonoscopy, they had this to say: “There were two orifices, and they both were full of shit.”

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