The Clown Car Update for December 17, 2017 (by guest mechanic Kenny Pick)

Posted: December 18, 2017 in New Post

It’s almost Christmas and I’m sure many of you are having a hard time finding that last minute stocking stuffer for the Trump Cultist in your life. Joe told you about the Black Friday and Cyber Monday Clown Car Gift shop a few weeks ago, but there have been some last-minute items that are must-haves for that special Right Wing Lunatic you hold near and dear to your heart.


As we learned in last week’s Clown Car Update, Donald Dentures… Er… Trump had a little snafu with his lower plate while reading a speech Benjamin Netanyahu gave him as an early Hanukkah gift. An anonymous source has revealed that the dental disaster occurred after Trump unknowingly mixed up his Polygrip and Preparation H. The switcheroo caused Trump’s gums to shrink and sealed up his rectum causing him to slur his speech and be more full of shit than usual. Acting quickly, the pharmaceutical industry, with FDA approval has rushed a new untested product into the market! What is this new product you ask? It’s called Preparation D! Hemorrhoids acting up? Dentures loose? No problem! Now there is One Tube for Both Holes! The cutting-edge science of Preparation D provides anti-inflammatory relief on your tush AND a secure grip on your chompers! Preparation D… Good on the Gums, Good on the Bum!


Speaking of pains in the ass… Roy Moore! Roy Moore has realized that he won’t be able to collect a government paycheck that would ultimately lead to a cushy lobbying job. Inspired by his recent humiliating defeat in the Alabama special election he’s decided to become an entrepreneur! Only the advice of his extremely pleasant wife Kayla and their…ahem.. Lawyer, Roy is introducing his new line of Butt Hurt Pads! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads will help ease the pain of stunning defeats and rough rides on your horse! Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads come in 4 handsome styles: Flannel, Denim, Burlap and Black Leather with matching vest! They’re Classy & Sassy!


Another pharmaceutical miracle has also been announced for over the counter consumption! Introducing Shame-X! Shame-X has been genetically engineered from Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ DNA! Have you ever had a hard time telling a big fat lie? Have you ever had a problem intimidating the free press with baseless attacks? Have you ever turned your back on multiple women that have accused your boss of sexual assault?  Simply take one Shame-X pill a day and you’ll have no problem whatsoever being a hypocrite, liar, turncoat, traitor or just a horrible human being in general. All guilt, regret and remorse will be permanently suppressed! And when someone inevitably asks you “Have you no shame?” you can reply with confidence, “No! I use Shame-X!”


And here’s one more suggestion for your last-minute Trump Cult shopping needs… The Omarosa Manigault Exit Interview Kit! Each kit includes several Non-Disclosure Agreements, a helmet and 10 Roy Moore Butt Hurt Pads to cushion your landing when you are physically ejected from your job!


Happy Holidays and Happy Shopping!


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