The Clown Car Update for November 26, 2017

Posted: November 26, 2017 in New Post

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Black Friday/Cyber Monday Specials from the Clown Car Gift Shop:

The Putin Tapes: Narrated by Christopher Steele, this is the authentic video produced and directed by the ex-KGB agent and current Russian president Vladimir Putin. Don’t piss your money away on bootleg copies this holiday season. This is the original, high definition version obtained by Bob Mueller and it’s flowing with golden showers of fun. But have your Depends on because you will laugh so hard you may lose control of your bladder. And with this holiday offer, we will include a bonus feature “The Mystery of Donnie’s Tiny Penis” absolutely free.

The Steve Bannon Grooming Kit:  This collection of grooming aids comes in a handy cloth bag scented with the nostalgic odour of your high school gym socks.  Steve personally picked out the items in this kit, including a lice removal comb and a pair of extra-large tweezers for those hard to remove ticks. The toiletries include Steve’s own nose hair wax and axle oil shampoo for that final grooming touch. So whether you are addressing a CPAC convention or just out for a tiki torch march you will always look like you just woke up in a dumpster covered in vomit.

The Roy Moore Mall Scooter: So many teens, so little time. That’s what Roy used to say until he invented the Roy Moore Mall Scooter.  Save time and energy while running around the mall chasing underage girls. With this scooter, you can fly from Kid’s Gap to Toys-R-Us in seconds and still have time to talk to that fourteen-year-old at Auntie Ann’s Pretzels. And our deluxe model even has its own Mateus Rose wine holder for those extra special dates.

Eyebrows by Huckabee:  Have the eyebrows you only imagined in your worse nightmare with Sarah’s new eyebrow liner line. Designed for Ms Huckabee by the same people who paint the lines on the interstate highway system, Eyebrows by Huckabee are the surest way to have eyebrows just like the White House press secretary.  And they come in three thicknesses: Wide, Extra Wide, and Don’t-Even-Think-of-Asking-That Question Super-Wide!

Replica Nuclear Football:  Yes, this realistic suitcase looks like the actual nuclear football and was designed for our current president to make him think he has the real thing. What? Do you think they were actually stupid enough to give Trump the real nuclear codes? Designed by the Franklin Mint shortly after the 2016 elections, these replicas are limited and are numbered 2 through 666. Number 1 was given to Donald Trump.

Kim Jong-un/Donald Trump Deuling Action Figures:  Trade insults and bring the world to the brink of nuclear war with these realistic, talking action figures from Mattel. Both these figures come with buttons as easy to push as the real Kim and Donnie. Just push Donnie’s button and hear him say “Little Kim”. Push again and he sings “Rocket Man”.  But Kim has something to say too. Just push his button and he calls Donnie “A mentally deranged dotard” Fiji Water bottle sold separately.

Bag-o-Clean Coal:  Personally designed for the 2017 holiday season by Scott Pruitt, this is not the old coal for naughty children. No, this coal is clean and healthy, hand washed seven times by the caring miners in the West Virginia strip mines. Just pop this bag into your pot belly and smell the aroma of methane and sulphur fill your home with the odors of holidays past. And with each bag, you get a free pair of asbestos gloves to protect your hands when you shake out the ashes.  Oh, and don’t forget the canary!

Jeff Sessions Memory Boost:  Is your memory fading? Do you forget meetings with Russians you used to easily remember? Well just in time for the holiday season comes Jeff Sessions Memory Boost. Prevent those embarrassing moments when you have to say “I don’t remember” and those needless return trips to revise your testimony to Congress. Now all those dinners with Sergei come instantly to mind with the speed of WikiLeaks with Jeff Sessions Memory Boost.

Steve Mnuchin/Louise Linton Dollar Bill Toilet Paper:  Steve and Louise want to share the thrill of holding sheets of dollar bills this holiday season with Dollar Bill Toilet Paper.  Why should these rich bastards be the only ones to have the pleasure of holding sheets of money while after taking a crap all over America? After all, these guys have been wiping their asses with the Constitution for almost a year now.  You have to go, so why not enjoy the go by wiping yourself with Steve and Louise Dollar Bill Toilet Paper. Please do not attempt to spend after use.

Have a healthy and happy holiday shopping season and this year remember the men and women who put their lives on the line every day at Fox News to defend our right to say “Merry Christmas.” Happy Holidays everyone!

 

 

 

 

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